Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 23 - Norm's First Hurrah - full transcript

Norm announces to the bar that he has a great new job at a prestigious CPA firm. Everyone at the bar soon learn first hand that Norm over-sold his job as his office, the size of a phone ...

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

You missing something, Woody?

Yeah, well, I had a $20 bill in
my pocket and now it's gone.

Well, say good-bye
to that Andy Jackson.

Oh, see you later, Andy.

Boy, oh, boy.

Talk about your lucky days, huh?

Just found 20 smackers
back there in the pool room.

Yeah, and to celebrate
my good fortune,

I'm gonna buy a round of
drinks for all my, uh, friends.

What are you gonna do
with the other 19 bucks?



Woody, that could
be your $20 bill.

The one you lost.

Hey, yeah, you know, I
was in the pool room earlier.

Wait a second.

Now let's be fair about this.

Uh, give me the serial number.

Oh, come on, man.

Nobody knows serial numbers.

L-2-1-8-8-6-1-1-9-B

That's amazing.

How'd you do that?

Oh, I memorize the serial
numbers on all my currency.

Why?

For just such an occasion.



Tell you, though, I pray
everyday I don't get rich.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Oh, groom.

Hmm?

Sweetheart, we're
going to have to decide

where we're going
for our honeymoon.

Where do you want to go?

Boy, I don't know.

Where, where, where
do you want to go?

I told you where I
want to go... Tibet.

Well, it's our honeymoon.

Of course we're going to bed.

No, you whammo.

Tibet the country.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Sam, imagine getting
up in the morning

and looking out on
the roof of the world.

Look where we'd
stay. Isn't it quaint?

Looks like where
the dogs sleep. It is.

The dogs sleep with us.

You wouldn't want to
freeze to death, would you?

Diane,

I didn't sleep with
dogs when I was single.

I'm not about to start now.

For goodness sake,
don't you want to taste

the exciting and fascinating
things that life has to offer?

No.

I'd rather marry you.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what
do you say to a cold one?

"See ya later, Vera,
I'll be at Cheers."

You're looking
unusually chipper today.

Yeah, I'm feeling
kind of chipper, Fras.

Is there any particular reason,

other than the fact that
we live in a democracy

and sushi bars appear
to be on the decline?

Well, I was gonna

tell Vera first, but
why break tradition?

I just landed a great new job

at Masters and Holly and Dixon.

Oh, wonderful!

It's one of the top
C.P.A. firms in Boston.

Yes, I hear that's
quite a successful firm.

You know, over half
of their executives

require therapy
on a regular basis.

So, uh, here's my card.

Oh, great. Just in case.

Thank you.

It's a very impressive place.

Uh, they occupy
the entire 25th floor

of the Boston Towers.

And they hired you?

It must have been the altitude.

No, no, no, no,
seriously, Norm, I'm sorry.

You know, I hope this
works out to be, you know,

sort of a long-term
arrangement for you.

Long enough anyway
for them to see you

wear your other suit.

Very funny. Very
funny, you guys.

But I'll have you know they

gave me the key to the executive

washroom this morning.

Did it come with
a bucket and mop?

Laugh all you want, okay,

but I think this is
finally the job for me.

I've got a secretary.

I have an expense account,

a very ritzy office

all to myself, so...

Good for you, Norman.

How about a round of
applause for our new executive?

Well, I started late.

I didn't want to be impolite.

I'm really excited for
you, Norman. Thanks.

I can tell by the
way you're talking

that this is the job that's
going to fire your enthusiasm.

When do you start?

About, uh, three hours ago.

What are you doing here?

I didn't want to appear
over-anxious, you know.

Yeah, no danger
there, huh, Buddy?

No, no, I'm on my lunch hour.

Oh.

But, you know, I could
be late if I wanted to.

I mean, I got free
rein over there.

I happen to be my own boss.

So that's how you got the job.

Thanks for the send-off, guys.

Well, I hope you're
all proud of yourselves.

Why?

What'd we do?

Well, I think we could have been

a bit more thunderous
in our applause.

Uh, except for Woody.

Sam, didn't you see the
hurt in Norman's eyes?

He was seeking our
support and approval.

It's his first day on the job

and all we did
was give him jibes.

Don't worry about
it, sweetheart.

He's had hundreds
of first days on the job.

You know, Diane's right.

It's obvious how
much we mean to him.

I think we may
have let him down.

Oh... Gee, I hope not.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, too late to do
anything about that now.

Refill, huh, Sam?

Hey, it's not too late.

We could march en masse

down to Norman's office and
show him that we're in his corner.

Oh, sure.

Perhaps buy the new hotshot
a little office warming gift.

Maybe a potted plant.

Good!

Okay, hurry up.

Let's get going here.

Wonderful, Carla.

That's the kind of enthusiasm

that's going to make
Norman feel better.

The hell with that yutz.

I wanna go downtown and see

some Yuppie buns
in tight Italian suits.

Well, then it's settled.

We'll go.

Wish I could join you,

but I've got an
appointment at 1:00.

Oh, what the hell?

Mrs. Segal's rather
a compulsive cleaner.

If I'm a little late, maybe
she'll tidy up the office.

Give my best to Norm.

Well, aren't you coming?

Oh, I gotta take
care of the bar here.

Oh, Sam, we've
got to show Norman

our impressive phalanx.

Oh, that's all right, honey.

He saw mine at the gym.

And then there was
this 1938 accident

where the elevator
plunged 86 floors.

Get me out of this thing!

Oh, my.

What an exquisite place
to come to work everyday.

Have you ever seen such
sumptuous surroundings?

Well, you obviously
haven't been to the, uh,

new downtown
postal annex, Diane.

So, uh, where's Woody?

I hope he's not lost.

Gee, what are the odds?

2511. Here we are.

Damn. Got another one
of those carpet shocks.

Well, Carla, if you'd
walk like a lady,

that wouldn't happen.

If I walked like a lady,
nothing would happen.

Sorry I'm late.

Ah, Woody, uh,

couldn't you find a bigger one?

No.

You know,

at the risk of sounding
self-congratulatory,

I think we're fabulous.

Just think

how Norman will appreciate this.

You know, I
remember the first day

I worked at The
Third Eye Bookstore.

Ramu was explaining to
me the difference between...

I think it was between
psychic and occult.

Ouch!

Think we could get
this carpet for the bar?

All right. Everyone ready?

Surprise!

Don't you guys ever think
about maybe calling first?

Yeah, well, we couldn't
find a phone booth.

Until now.

Say, did anybody
ever see Das Boot?

What're you guys doing here?

Well, we wanted to come down

and celebrate your
first day on the new job.

Yeah, we brought you a gift.

Uh, let me find the
perfect spot for this.

There.

Don't forget to water it.

Thanks, I'll write
myself a note, Woody.

So, guys, I, uh...

guess I probably exaggerated
a little bit about the office.

But, uh, you know,
it's just 'cause

you were razzing me so much,

and it's actually quite

a big step to have
an office at all.

I mean, many people in this
firm have to share an office.

Oh, just a sec. Sorry.

Yeah?

Just, uh, set it right
here, that's fine.

Let me guess.

Peterson.

Right.

I'm Thompkins.

Looks like we're
office partners.

So...

if you're lookin' for a
secretary, I'm available.

But I want you to know
I do not take shorthand,

I don't type and I
don't make coffee.

Well, what do you do?

Hire me and find out.

Carla, I don't think
he caught that.

Next time try to
be more obvious.

Okay, let's let Norman
get back to work.

Thanks.

Oh, Norman, keep
up the spirits, huh?

Remember... no small
offices, only small people.

That's right, right.

Okay... oh, my
God, look at the time.

If I don't get back right now,

Mrs. Segal will be
shampooing the rug.

Well, okay.

Thanks, thanks
a lot for the plant.

Wait, wait, my supervisor.

Everybody hide.

Peterson.

Hi, sir.

What are all these
people doing in here?

Well, they're new
clients, sir, and, uh,

we were just holding
a little impromptu

seminar on the
tax laws, and, uh...

So in conclusion,
folks, I'd like you to, uh,

file early and, um... file out.

Right, fine.

Thank you, Mr. Peterson.

Thank you. New
clients, sir, so...

You're, uh, you're
Thompkins, aren't you?

Yes, sir.

Yes, well, welcome aboard.

Pay attention.

You can learn a
lot from this man.

Thank you, sir. That's
very kind of you to say.

No, I was talking to you.

By the way, sir, I understand
you're a big Red Sox fan.

Yeah.

You know, my father
has season tickets,

uh, right behind the
dugout. No kidding?

Yeah, you know, I'm,
I'm usually so busy

with work here, I, I
rarely get to use them.

Thompkins, let's have lunch.

Thank you.

Oh, that's a, wait.

That's a, uh, lovely
tie you've got there, sir.

What, this ugly thing?

Yeah.

Oh, my wife bought it.

Yeah, how is the missus?

We're divorcing.

Well, I hope you
stick it to her, sir.

I just wanted to
make sure you're okay.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm great.

Top of the world, ma!

Hey, the first day at a
new job is always traumatic.

Look at me.

I'm pushing 40, practically
starting over again.

Oh, Norman, that's not true.

Yes, it is.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm delivering
supplies to the supply room.

This isn't the
supply room. Sorry.

Well, it's 2511, right?

Right.

Then it's the supply room.

Well, it may have been

the supply room once,
okay, but now it's my office.

What does it say
on this invoice?

2511.

Thank you.

See what I mean, Diane?

I just wasn't meant
to be a success.

Norman, may I speak
to you for a moment?

You make me sick.

You're a quitter, Norman.

No, you're worse than that.

You're a non-starter.

You don't even try.

You sit around the bar all day.

You sit around
your house all day.

You sit around here all day.

You sit around life all day.

How are you gonna feel some day

at the end of your
life when you're lying,

no, make that sitting,
on your deathbed

and you realize

that the only thing you've
done in your life is sit around

and watch people do things,

make things out of their lives.

Well, maybe you're
right, Norman.

Maybe you're not
meant for success.

Maybe you're meant
for exactly what you are.

Nothing.

Diane, you have no
right to say that to me.

Norman, I said those
things to you because I care.

You must care an
awful lot about me.

Well, I do.

All of your friends care
about you an awful lot.

And we're tired of seeing
you give up so easily.

Maybe I won't give
up so easily this time.

Maybe those harsh, stinging,

offensive words of yours,

words that I'll take to
my grave, by the way...

maybe they finally struck
a cord with me, Diane.

Oh, Norman, do you mean it?

Oh, yes, I do, Diane.

You know, every
place I've worked,

my name has been
synonymous with patsy.

Well, I think it's high time
my name stood for ruthless.

Now people may
not like the new me,

but they're gonna
respect the new me.

Diane, I want you to mark
this date on your calendar,

for today is the day

the new me is born.

Happy birthday.

Sign here. Uh-uh.

I'm gonna tell the boss.

No, no, Norman,
Norman, Norman...

Thank you, Mr. Springsteen.

Well, it's a start.

Yeah.

You know, I was thinking
while you were gone,

it's not really fair to have you

make all the honeymoon plans,

so I went ahead
and I did them myself.

All you have to do

is pack your bags and
set your dial for fun.

Oh, God, it's
Niagara Falls, isn't it?

No, it's not Niagara Falls.

That place is a tourist trap.

You ready for this?

Disneyworld.

You want to go to Disneyworld
for our honeymoon?

Oh, yeah.

But, Sam, I always thought

that would be someplace
we'd go when we have kids.

Well, hey, no,

this is not just for kids.

This, this is for
"children of all ages."

I mean, can you say the
same thing about Tibet?

Well, how can you compare
Disneyworld and Tibet...

where we might possibly

unravel the mysteries of life?

Well, there, there
are lots of mysteries

you can unravel at Disneyworld.

For example?

Um, all right, all right,

uh, why is it that,
uh, Donald Duck

wears a top and no
bottom, whereas Mickey

wears a bottom and no top?

Oh, Sammy, it-it's
because, you know, uh,

a duck's private's are
hidden by their feathers

and mouse's is, uh,
well, need I say more?

While you're at
it, I mean, why is it

we've never seen Donald fly?

I mean, I've seen that
damn duck do The Carioca.

Yeah, and if Mickey's
dating Minnie,

how come he has
such a high voice?

Oh, now, whoa,
wait, are you trying

to tell me that Mickey...

All right, all right, all
right, we'll go! We'll go!

Evening, everybody.

Norm!

Norman.

Well, look at you.

You look like the cat
that swallowed the canary.

Give me a beer to wash him down.

Hey, you're, uh, you're in
kinda late there, me bucko.

So how was your first day?

Well, I tell you, I
feel a lot better now

than I did this morning.

Diane, I took your advice

and I spent the afternoon
jotting down some ideas

I think'll save the
company a lot of money.

Oh, Norman!

That's wonderful!

I'm gonna pitch it to
my supervisor tomorrow.

But, I tell you,
I'm a little nervous

about putting my
butt on the line.

How do you think the line feels?

Norman...

why waste time
with the supervisor?

He'll only take credit
for the idea himself.

Why don't you
go right to the top?

Present your idea to
the Board of Directors.

I don't know, the
thought of standing there

in a room full of bigwigs
just gives me the cold sweats.

Boy, yeah, I can sympathize
with you there, Normie.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'll never forget
my first oral report.

Sixth grade. Yeah?

Yeah, boy, was I
nervous. I tell you.

I went to my father and
he said, "Hey, just relax.

"You'll be fine as
long as you can

imagine the other
kids in their underwear."

Which was no big deal for me

because I'd gotten that far
with half the girls in class already.

Even then, huh?

Yeah, anyway, I was,
uh, just describing

how they make maple syrup
by draining the sap from trees

when I happened to look
down and notice how nicely

Cindy Van Rippen had filled out.

Ooh. Oh, yes. Ha-ha.

Well, what happened next?

Oh, well, I, uh, I smiled at
her and she smiled at me

and then after my little speech

we stole a few moments
in the cloakroom.

No, I mean after they
drain the sap from the trees.

I don't remember, Woody.

Oh, great, Sam.

Get us all revved up and
then leave out the best part.

Norman, nothing takes the
place of personal support.

Therefore, when you're
ready to make your proposal,

I will be at your side.

Tell them that you've
hired a personal

secretary to assist
you, at your expense.

Diane, please, I mean,

you've been more than
helpful already, okay?

I don't need anyone
to hold my hand.

I just need a little practice.

Well, uh, Normie,

well, why don't you,
uh, try it out on us, huh?

That's a good idea actually.

Oh, yes, it is good. Good, good.

Stand up here so
we can all see you.

All right.

Uh, now remember, guys,

uh, this room'll be
a pressure cooker,

so just, uh, you know,
stay on top of me, okay?

Really heckle me.

It'll help.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Uh, what's good about it?

What time can you be there?

Enjoy a 58% growth.

Cash flow.

And we'll achieve it no later...

Thank God.

Thank God you're here.

Norman, don't worry, please.

Everything is
going to be perfect.

I hope so.

I'm, uh, having
a very tough time

picturing the chairman of
the board in his underpants.

Oh, no.

What? Now what? What?

Oh, Pierre forgot the
chocolate croissant I ordered.

Don't worry about
it. It wasn't that good.

That's a nice suit, Peterson.

They make it in your size?

Pay no attention to him.

Norman is making a proposal
today at the board meeting.

Well, he's wasting his time.

Those stuffed shirts don't
care about anybody's ideas.

Why don't you just have
the courage to wish him well?

Why don't you
take a flying leap?

Touche.

Now listen, I don't like
to make predictions,

but you're going to be

in the top echelon of
this company someday.

Your idea is so good

they can't help but applaud it.

I hope you're right, Diane,

but, uh, we have
a few minutes now

and I just, I wanna splash
some water on my face.

Fine, fine, I'll go
prepare the coffee.

Okay.

It's a special Viennese blend.

They're bound to be impressed.

Oh, great, great.

For my part I
think I'd like to get

a second opinion on this pastry,

you know what I mean?

Diane!

It's-It's gone!

What's gone?

Well, my proposal and my career.

The pastry!

Oh, no.

If my plan is
implemented immediately,

we'll enjoy a 58%

growth in cash flow.

And we'll achieve
it no later than

the third quarter of
the next fiscal year.

Thompkins. The thief.

Get in there and
defend yourself.

Damn right I will.

Thompkins, you idiot!

You've completely
ignored the obvious.

Our resulting tax liability
would cost us a fortune.

Uh, actually, sir,
it's not my plan.

It's the new guy,
Peterson's, you see...

Don't try blaming another
man for this garbage.

Now stop wasting our
time and get back to work.

Just my luck.

I had to share the
office with a moron.

Hey, sorry.

I'll give him this, though.

The man knows his pastry.

Oh, geez.

Now, Norman. Please.

Now don't let this faze you.

You have to keep pushing.

I know that this
idea didn't succeed,

but others will.

No, no, Diane.

A few moments ago I almost made

the biggest mistake of
my professional life, okay?

And it was because I
was doing something

that just wasn't me.

I am not a go-getter.

I've never been a go-getter.

And what's more, I don't
even want to be a go-getter.

I'm very happy right where I am.

And I'm tired of all
these people saying,

"Peterson, you've gotta push.

"You gotta get ahead.

You gotta make that goal."

I don't even wanna
make the goal, Diane.

I wanna be a bench warmer, okay?

The world needs bench warmers.

I mean, if there were no bench
warmers, what would we have?

We'd have cold benches.
A lot of cold benches.

And the world does
not need that, Diane.

In this great pageantry of life,

Norm Peterson may
be a, a motionless lump,

but he's a very damn good one.

Norman, I've never
seen you so impassioned.

That's 'cause I
believe in this, Diane.

Look, Norm Peterson

is totally happy being
an anonymous cog

in the gigantic
machinery of this firm.

Oh, I forgot.

Didn't you wanna say
something at the meeting?

Just how delighted I was
to be part of the firm, sir.

Well, we're glad to have
you aboard, Springsteen.

I'm home.