Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 21 - Simon Says - full transcript
Frasier's colleague from his Rhodes scholar days, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, is a world renowned marriage counselor and is in Boston to accept an honorary degree. Despite Sam not wanting to do it, Diane asks Finch-Royce to provide a counseling session for her and Sam, to which the doctor agrees with Frasier funding the session as his wedding gift. After the Q&A session with Sam and Diane, Finch-Royce pronounces that Sam and Diane are the most ill-matched couple ever and that they should never see each other again let alone get married; he then leaves the bar to return to his hotel, as he wants a quiet evening of calling his wife in England, eating a quiet dinner, having a soothing shower and going to sleep early. But his evening doesn't go as planned as Diane, incensed with the Finch-Royce's assessment, is determined to prove the good doctor wrong for the sake of her and Sam's future. The one person who is glad that Finch-Royce's evening does not go according to plan is Frasier, who has his own beef with his old friend.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Well, I'm out of here, I guess.
Going to stop over
at the health club.
You belong to a health club?
Yeah, yeah. Vera gave me a
membership for my birthday.
It's, uh, real subtle, huh?
You-You actually go
there and work out?
Yeah. I try to do, uh, about
25 in the pool every day.
Laps?
Cannonballs.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Uh, great, Miss
Harville, thanks.
Hot dog!
What's up?
They just delivered
my new mattress.
Finally, a decent night's rest.
Now all I got to do
is figure out what to
do with my old mattress.
Any suggestions?
Well, mine's in the Smithsonian.
Oh, will they send a truck?
Hey, Frasier!
The usual?
Oh, not just yet.
I'm meeting a
friend for a drink.
Simon Finch-Royce. Mm.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, the
n-noted marriage counselor?
No, Dr. Finch-Royce,
the circus geek.
Ah.
Yes, of course, the
marriage counselor.
We were students together
when I was a Rhodes Scholar.
Wow, you were a Rhodes Scholar?
Tell me this:
how come the stuff they
fill in the potholes with
is darker than the
rest of the road?
I don't know, Woody.
I missed that day.
And now it's come
back to haunt you.
Sam...
Simon Finch-Royce is an
eminent psychotherapist
who specializes
in marital relations.
Does "eminent"
by any chance mean
"rich and single"?
Anyway, Sam, I
think it's safe to say
that he has saved
hundreds, nay, thousands
of troubled marriages.
It's even rumored that he had
a hand in helping Chuck and Di.
Speaking of that, why
don't you upchuck and die?
♪ Three little maids
from school are we... ♪
♪ Pert as a schoolgirl
well may be... ♪
♪ Filled to the brim
with girlish glee ♪
♪ Three little
maids from school. ♪
Sam, you want me
to call the police?
Uh, no...
no cause for alarm, Woody.
Simon and I did the spring
musical together at Oxford.
It was The Mikado.
Simon played Pitti-Sing,
and I was Yum-Yum.
And a handsomer
Yum-Yum I've never seen.
It's good to see you, Simon.
Uh, how was your
flight? All right?
Oh, relatively crash-free.
Can I buy you a drink?
Yes, a pint of beer,
but none of that
weak-kneed American bile.
Give me, uh, a little
something with hair on it.
Here I am.
So, uh, you married?
Yes, quite happily.
Too bad. Could've
been my first Englishman.
No, no, no, wait, there
was that one other guy,
but he was so white, I kept
losing him in the sheets.
Do we know her?
Yes, that's Carla.
Have her scrubbed
and sent to my tent.
Sam, a Guinness for my friend.
Guinness coming right up.
Oh, Simon, by the way:
Sam Malone, Woody Boyd.
Simon Finch-Royce. Hi. Hi.
Howdy. Howdy.
Oh, and, uh, this
is Diane Chambers.
Oh, how do you do?
Delighted to make
your acquaintance.
You're so much taller than
you looked on your book jacket.
Ah, yes, but you see, the
book's only about that big.
That must be it.
So, what brings you here?
Oh, I'm accepting
an honorary degree.
It's nothing much...
Just a small college...
But, uh, any excuse
to pop over the pond.
Doc, uh,
Hi. I'm Norm Peterson.
Oh.
I have to tell you that my wife
is a big fan of yours, sir. Oh.
Yeah, she reads
all those marriage
improvement books.
Great. Have they helped?
Well, they've helped me.
It, uh, gives her
something to do in bed.
I have a few questions...
Thank you, Norm.
Shall we just go over here,
where it's a little quieter?
Splendid idea.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Frasier, please join us.
Oh, Sam, may I have
a seltzer, please?
You know, I had a thought.
Sam and I are about
to be married, and...
dare I ask it, could
you be persuaded
to possibly have a
session or two with us?
Oh, Diane...
I think it's a capital idea.
Ah, well, then,
let it be my
wedding gift to you.
I was considering
the gravy boat, but I think
our relationship
transcends mere crockery.
Are you sure you don't mind?
Oh, not at all. I'm a
terrible workaholic.
And also, it'll be refreshing
to work with a couple
who are not on
the brink of disaster.
Thank you, Sam. Will you
excuse us for a minute here?
Can I talk to you
for a minute, please?
Oh, excuse me.
Why do you want to do this?
We're not in trouble.
We're not even married yet.
Sam, marriage counselors
aren't just for people
who are having troubles.
His expertise will help us lay
a solid foundation
for our married life.
Now, what say we give it a go?
Hey, wh-what's with
this English accent?
Ever since he walked in here,
you-you been
talking like the queen
was your Aunt
Betty or something.
Oh, tosh. What twaddle.
See, th...
Hey, yeah, but, you
know, so, if you Brits
ever find yourself in trouble
against, uh, another major
military power like Argentina,
you know, one thing is, uh,
well, we Yanks'll be
there to bail you out
just like we were during
the last two big ones, huh?
Cliffie, Cliff!
There's a gentleman over
here that thinks you know
absolutely nothing
about photosynthesis.
Oh, yeah, who?
Why... Why, I'll
straighten him out.
The first paper that was done...
So, Doctor, when shall we begin?
Why not right now?
Sure. Is-is there anywhere
with a little privacy?
Well, there's Sam's office.
You don't mind, do you, Sam?
Of course you don't. Lovely.
Oh, Simon, Simon, this
is strictly professional.
I want you to bill me for this.
Oh, right.
Yes. And I do want you
to completely disregard
our years and
years of friendship
when determining your fee.
Oh, well, whatever you say.
Look, I mean it, now.
I-I'll hear nothing of that 40%
psychiatrist's courtesy discount
that's customary
here in the States.
I wouldn't dream
of insulting you.
Well, I'm glad we
worked that out.
Well, now, uh, where to begin.
Well, usually, at this point,
you would tell me
what a loathsome,
contemptible swine he is,
and, uh, you would describe
in some detail what a wanton,
libidinous trollop she is...
but as you're only engaged,
we'll just have to
look forward to that.
When I was on the staff of
the London Psychiatric Hospital
just after my divorce,
we had a couple that...
Excuse me.
Hmm?
You've been divorced?
Yes, I have.
That's great.
Now, Sam, Sam, I can
say to you with pride,
"Yes, I have been divorced,"
because it is only
from our failures
that we gain knowledge.
Consequently, I was able to make
a much better choice
of a second wife.
Perhaps my vision
was clearer for the
tears that I had shed.
You are the wisest man I know.
High praise, indeed.
Well, now, uh...
I need to begin to
get to know you two,
so, Diane, why don't,
why don't you start?
Well, they say you don't
have prenatal memories,
but I have a distinct
in-utero recollection
of a Fourth of July concert
my mother attended.
There was at least
one Souza march...
And then he proposed
to me in, of all places,
a court of law.
This time I acquiesced and
agreed to become Mrs. Malone...
which brings us here today.
You know, my wife has a skirt
very similar to the
one you're wearing.
Sam...
a little of your
history, please.
Oh, right, all
right. Okay, uh...
Let's see, uh, it was,
uh, August 5, 1973.
I, uh, got my first
major league save.
It was in Baltimore.
Sam, you don't have
to go into all of that.
If you can go back to the womb,
I can go back to the
damn Oriole doubleheader.
Anyway, uh...
sweltering day.
Frank Robinson had
been killing me all season,
but this day, I'm telling you...
it happened every single time.
Which means that,
no matter what town you were in,
these women would just hang
around outside your locker room,
I mean, complete strangers,
and-and throw themselves at you?
Yeah.
It was great.
Well, uh, moving on.
Now, um, what-what are the keys
to a successful marriage?
Well, there are numerous
schools of thought.
Uh, many experts claim
that the most important single
ingredient in a marriage is...
Quickly now.
Love?
Sex.
Honesty...
because from honesty springs...
Fidelity.
Sex.
Yes, trust.
Oh, I was going to say that.
Well, those people are wrong.
Now, during the, uh, course
of my counseling, I have come up
with a number of scenarios,
the responses to which
give very useful pointers
to a couple's compatibility.
So, Sam, we'll start with you.
You're on your honeymoon.
With Diane?
With Diane.
Now, the two of you
are on a tropical beach
wearing nothing but
your swimming togs.
Uh, Doctor, I do have
a tendency to freckle.
Diane is wearing a big hat.
Now, Sam, you see
a woman walk by.
Her flesh is tawny
from the tropic sun.
Her proud yet supple
bosoms heave mightily
against the constraints
of her tiny bikini.
You think she is the most beautiful
creature that you have ever seen.
At this moment, Diane
turns to you and says,
"A penny for your thoughts."
Do you share them with her?
Uh, gee, that's, uh,
that's hard to say.
Wh-When you say "bikini",
is it that French cut...?
Sam!
I'm just trying to
clarify things here.
All right, all right,
do I tell her? Um...
No, of course not.
You wouldn't trust
me to handle that?
Well, yes, of course I would.
Did I say no? I meant yes.
All right.
Diane, it's your wedding night.
You and Sam have just made love,
and Sam has not performed
to your satisfaction.
He asks you how it was.
Do you tell him?
I never have before.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I tell you I'm kidding.
Of course I wouldn't tell him.
It would hurt his feelings.
Fine. Well, I...
just have to express
my appreciation
that you've been
so open with me.
I've heard enough.
That's it?
Of course, Sam,
that's all he has to hear.
The good doctor
is a brilliant man.
I'm sure he has a complete
handle on our relationship.
Yes, I have.
You two should not
only not get married,
you should never
see each other again.
What?!
Well, I'm sorry to be so blunt,
but sometimes a surgeon
has to cut in order to cure.
Whoa...
what's the problem?
Well, would that
there were only one,
but there are so many.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I
see what you mean.
I mean...
first of all, and
most obviously,
you have absolutely
nothing in common.
Then, on top of that,
you have an appalling
lack of communication.
What about the idea
that opposites attract?
Ah, the song of
the truly desperate.
Well, take it from...
take it from one
who has observed
dozens of failed marriages...
The only thing that
opposites attract is divorce.
Well, don't, wait
a minute, don't go.
What shall we do?
Well, think yourselves lucky.
I mean, you found out now.
Saved yourself years,
perhaps decades,
of pain and heartache.
Cheerio.
Ah, Simon!
Simon, I've signed
a blank check.
Now, remember, no favors.
I want you to fill
in your regular fee.
Oh, as you wish. Thanks.
Say, excuse me, I must
dash back to the hotel.
Oh, listen, just for my ledger,
uh, what amount
should I fill in?
$1,500.
Fine. $1,500. Done.
Pretentious limey bastard.
Well, what am I saying?
It was your wedding
gift and he is the best.
The man's a quack.
Imagine he had the nerve to say
that Sam and I
shouldn't get married.
That we have absolutely
nothing in common.
Excuse me, Diane.
What exactly do you
two have in common?
Well, we...
Wait a minute.
Somebody suggesting
Sam and Diane aren't
right for each other.
Now, where have
I heard that be...
Of course. My prayers.
What are we gone do?
We're going to get
married, of course.
We're not going to listen
to that sack of fish 'n' chips.
Wait a minute.
Why, that wily old bird.
He's brilliant.
Hold it, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.
First, he's brilliant,
then he's a quack,
and now he's brilliant again?!
Don't you see?
It was a test.
He was testing our resolve
in the face of his
pronouncement.
Come on, let's go to his hotel.
No, I don't want to
do that. Come on.
Sam, we have to prove to
him that we are indivisible.
Oh, I can't believe
that I almost fell
for the oldest
trick in the book.
Come on.
Why, I thought the oldest
trick in the book was the one
where the guy tells you
you got a spot on your shirt
and then when you
look down, bud-oom...
Flicks you in the nose.
Well, uh, Woody, you do
have a spot on your shirt there.
Ah, no, no, no,
no, no, Mr. Clavin.
I'm not falling for that.
I'm much too smart for you.
Wait, no, no, Woody, Woody.
You, you got a spot right there.
Yeah, yeah, right.
You're not gone make
me look like a dope.
No, darling, I've settled
in for the evening.
I'm desperate for a
bit of peace and quiet,
so I'll just have a bite to eat
and a bath and pop into bed.
Oh, that pompous twit
Frasier Crane says hello.
Yes, bad as usual, if not worse.
Still, you may be amused to
know I stuck him for $1,500.
Oh, uh, excuse me, darling.
There's someone at the door.
Shall we say...
Yes, all right.
Yes, I love you, too.
Oh!
Hello, Doctor.
Ah, this is a surprise.
Uh, sorry about this.
We didn't catch you on
the hopper, did we? Uh...
No, but thanks for asking.
Come in.
This will only take a moment.
You know, you're
a very clever man.
It wasn't until after
you'd left that we realized
you were merely
testing our resolve.
So we stand before you now
as proof we are steadfast in
our devotion to one another.
Well, that's very lovely,
but it wasn't a test.
Oh, listen to him, Sam.
It's yet another test.
I'm afraid I haven't made
myself sufficiently clear.
Um...
you two are an accident
waiting to marry.
Well, you couldn't
be more wrong.
If you only knew the enormous
obstacles we've overcome,
you would know
that we are destined
to die in each other's arms.
Because, although we
are very different people,
our parts mesh
together perfectly.
We have achieved symbiosis.
Well, not every
time, but it's close.
Sorry about this.
Aren't we all?
All I'm saying is
maybe he's right.
Maybe we should
give it some thought.
Maybe we should wait.
Maybe I'm a confirmed bachelor.
Maybe you'll do me the
honor of sticking a sock in it.
I take it it didn't go so well.
He claims it wasn't a test.
If you ask me, his
methods are highly suspect.
How can he say that
we are mismatched
on the basis of
two silly questions.
I didn't even answer
mine accurately.
I said what I thought
he wanted to hear.
Sam, did you answer the
way you wanted to answer
or the way you thought
he wanted you to answer?
Or the way you thought
I wanted you to answer?
I don't know, I got confused
after the babe in
the bikini walked by.
Well, Diane,
did you tell Simon all this?
No, I didn't.
But I'm going to now.
Come on, Sam.
We just came
back from that hotel.
I'm not going back there again.
Sam, this is a crucial
point in our relationship.
Oh, I am starved.
I haven't eaten
all day. Come on.
Uh, both of you,
go to Finch-Royce.
Tell him the truth.
Let him make an accurate
assessment of your relationship.
You owe it to me.
You owe it to him.
And most of all, you
owe it to yourselves.
Now don't come back
until you're fully satisfied.
I don't care
how long it takes.
All right, all right.
Right. Thank you.
1,500 bucks, my butt.
Frasier Crane can
play hardball, too.
If you need anything
else, just let me know.
Oh, thank you.
Now, are you sure the
soup is piping hot this time?
Oh, yes, sir.
I burned myself on the bowl.
Excellent.
Ah, how lovely to see you again.
What's it been, 30 minutes?
I'm sorry to barge in.
I hope we're not disturbing you.
Well, actually, I was just
about to have my dinner.
Dinner?
Yes, I mean, uh, I
don't want to sound rude,
but I actually would
like to eat it while it's hot.
I'm sorry, but this is simply
too important to put it off.
It's been preying on our minds.
We really can't
think of anything else.
Isn't that right,
Sam? Yeah, right.
Are you gone eat those crackers?
Yes, I am. Now, could
you please just say
whatever it is
you've come to say?
Very well.
From the moment of
your pronouncement,
we felt that you were wrong,
and now we realize why.
We gave you the wrong answers
to your questions
about the honeymoon.
We've thought it over
and now we want to
give you our real answers.
Yes, well, it doesn't
matter what you say now.
You see, I mean, what matters
is your first response,
your gut reaction.
I mean, you've had two
hours to think about it now.
Yes, well, sometimes,
it takes Sam two hours
to come up with
his first thought.
I don't, I don't
appreciate that.
You know, it was
your stupid idea
to come here in the first place.
All of a sudden, he says
something you don't like
and now you, you don't
believe him anymore?
Well, he's wrong.
He doesn't know
what he's talking about.
Don't you think he's
capable of making a mistake?
That's highly unlikely...
Although I did let
the two of you in.
Excuse me, um...
Come on, let's get
out of here, will you?
I'm starved, I'm gone
go have some dinner.
You want to join me?
Please say yes.
Oh, I wondered what
was keeping you.
I was beginning to get worried.
Did we get you
out of the shower?
No, no, no, no, the,
uh, the soup was so hot
it set off the sprinkler system.
Sam and I have
been to the library
and we've done
extensive research.
We're here to tell you
that you are full of rubbish.
How thoughtful.
Most people would
only have phoned.
Now, if you'll just examine
the parts that I have marked...
I think I've shown
remarkable restraint so far,
but I have had just
about enough of this.
Now, I've said
that you're not compatible
and you have done nothing
to show me otherwise.
Look, I don't know what
we're supposed to do
or what we're supposed
to say, but we're here,
fighting for our lives together.
Now doesn't that
count for something?
No.
Why not?
Well, let me answer
you this way: Sam,
do you really want to be here?
No.
Oh, what do you mean "no"?
I mean no. I don't
want to be here.
I mean, this whole thing
was your stupid idea.
What do we care if this guy
doesn't think we
should get married?
Nobody we know thinks
we should get married.
We don't go bugging them in
the middle of the night, do we?
All right,
what do you suggest we do?
Nothing.
Oh!
That's your solution
to everything: nothing!
Is that what you're going to do
for the rest of
your life: nothing?
I haven't decided yet.
I've grown to hate them.
That's it. I've died
and gone to hell.
Doctor, there's one thing
you haven't considered.
Right. Fine. All right. Okay.
Um, Sam, Diane,
you two are perfect together.
I'm sorry I made a mistake,
but I now see that you are
the most perfectly matched
couple on the face of the earth.
But, why, why am
I telling you this?
Let's, let's share it with the
rest of the world, shall we?
Hear this, world,
the rest of you can
stop getting married now!
It's been done to perfection!
Envy them, sofa.
Envy them, chair.
For you shall never
be as cozy as they.
For I guarantee
that their marriage
will be a total
epoch-shattering success.
And I stake my life on it!
Wait, let, let me
put that on record.
I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce,
being of sound mind,
declare that Sam and Diane
shall be together
throughout all eternity,
and if I am wrong,
I hereby promise that
I will take my own life
in the most disgusting
manner possible!
Here, take the tape.
No, no, no, no, no!
Take the whole machine.
It's my wedding gift to you...
To you, the most perfect couple
since the dawn of time!
See?
a live studio audience.
Well, I'm out of here, I guess.
Going to stop over
at the health club.
You belong to a health club?
Yeah, yeah. Vera gave me a
membership for my birthday.
It's, uh, real subtle, huh?
You-You actually go
there and work out?
Yeah. I try to do, uh, about
25 in the pool every day.
Laps?
Cannonballs.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Uh, great, Miss
Harville, thanks.
Hot dog!
What's up?
They just delivered
my new mattress.
Finally, a decent night's rest.
Now all I got to do
is figure out what to
do with my old mattress.
Any suggestions?
Well, mine's in the Smithsonian.
Oh, will they send a truck?
Hey, Frasier!
The usual?
Oh, not just yet.
I'm meeting a
friend for a drink.
Simon Finch-Royce. Mm.
Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, the
n-noted marriage counselor?
No, Dr. Finch-Royce,
the circus geek.
Ah.
Yes, of course, the
marriage counselor.
We were students together
when I was a Rhodes Scholar.
Wow, you were a Rhodes Scholar?
Tell me this:
how come the stuff they
fill in the potholes with
is darker than the
rest of the road?
I don't know, Woody.
I missed that day.
And now it's come
back to haunt you.
Sam...
Simon Finch-Royce is an
eminent psychotherapist
who specializes
in marital relations.
Does "eminent"
by any chance mean
"rich and single"?
Anyway, Sam, I
think it's safe to say
that he has saved
hundreds, nay, thousands
of troubled marriages.
It's even rumored that he had
a hand in helping Chuck and Di.
Speaking of that, why
don't you upchuck and die?
♪ Three little maids
from school are we... ♪
♪ Pert as a schoolgirl
well may be... ♪
♪ Filled to the brim
with girlish glee ♪
♪ Three little
maids from school. ♪
Sam, you want me
to call the police?
Uh, no...
no cause for alarm, Woody.
Simon and I did the spring
musical together at Oxford.
It was The Mikado.
Simon played Pitti-Sing,
and I was Yum-Yum.
And a handsomer
Yum-Yum I've never seen.
It's good to see you, Simon.
Uh, how was your
flight? All right?
Oh, relatively crash-free.
Can I buy you a drink?
Yes, a pint of beer,
but none of that
weak-kneed American bile.
Give me, uh, a little
something with hair on it.
Here I am.
So, uh, you married?
Yes, quite happily.
Too bad. Could've
been my first Englishman.
No, no, no, wait, there
was that one other guy,
but he was so white, I kept
losing him in the sheets.
Do we know her?
Yes, that's Carla.
Have her scrubbed
and sent to my tent.
Sam, a Guinness for my friend.
Guinness coming right up.
Oh, Simon, by the way:
Sam Malone, Woody Boyd.
Simon Finch-Royce. Hi. Hi.
Howdy. Howdy.
Oh, and, uh, this
is Diane Chambers.
Oh, how do you do?
Delighted to make
your acquaintance.
You're so much taller than
you looked on your book jacket.
Ah, yes, but you see, the
book's only about that big.
That must be it.
So, what brings you here?
Oh, I'm accepting
an honorary degree.
It's nothing much...
Just a small college...
But, uh, any excuse
to pop over the pond.
Doc, uh,
Hi. I'm Norm Peterson.
Oh.
I have to tell you that my wife
is a big fan of yours, sir. Oh.
Yeah, she reads
all those marriage
improvement books.
Great. Have they helped?
Well, they've helped me.
It, uh, gives her
something to do in bed.
I have a few questions...
Thank you, Norm.
Shall we just go over here,
where it's a little quieter?
Splendid idea.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Frasier, please join us.
Oh, Sam, may I have
a seltzer, please?
You know, I had a thought.
Sam and I are about
to be married, and...
dare I ask it, could
you be persuaded
to possibly have a
session or two with us?
Oh, Diane...
I think it's a capital idea.
Ah, well, then,
let it be my
wedding gift to you.
I was considering
the gravy boat, but I think
our relationship
transcends mere crockery.
Are you sure you don't mind?
Oh, not at all. I'm a
terrible workaholic.
And also, it'll be refreshing
to work with a couple
who are not on
the brink of disaster.
Thank you, Sam. Will you
excuse us for a minute here?
Can I talk to you
for a minute, please?
Oh, excuse me.
Why do you want to do this?
We're not in trouble.
We're not even married yet.
Sam, marriage counselors
aren't just for people
who are having troubles.
His expertise will help us lay
a solid foundation
for our married life.
Now, what say we give it a go?
Hey, wh-what's with
this English accent?
Ever since he walked in here,
you-you been
talking like the queen
was your Aunt
Betty or something.
Oh, tosh. What twaddle.
See, th...
Hey, yeah, but, you
know, so, if you Brits
ever find yourself in trouble
against, uh, another major
military power like Argentina,
you know, one thing is, uh,
well, we Yanks'll be
there to bail you out
just like we were during
the last two big ones, huh?
Cliffie, Cliff!
There's a gentleman over
here that thinks you know
absolutely nothing
about photosynthesis.
Oh, yeah, who?
Why... Why, I'll
straighten him out.
The first paper that was done...
So, Doctor, when shall we begin?
Why not right now?
Sure. Is-is there anywhere
with a little privacy?
Well, there's Sam's office.
You don't mind, do you, Sam?
Of course you don't. Lovely.
Oh, Simon, Simon, this
is strictly professional.
I want you to bill me for this.
Oh, right.
Yes. And I do want you
to completely disregard
our years and
years of friendship
when determining your fee.
Oh, well, whatever you say.
Look, I mean it, now.
I-I'll hear nothing of that 40%
psychiatrist's courtesy discount
that's customary
here in the States.
I wouldn't dream
of insulting you.
Well, I'm glad we
worked that out.
Well, now, uh, where to begin.
Well, usually, at this point,
you would tell me
what a loathsome,
contemptible swine he is,
and, uh, you would describe
in some detail what a wanton,
libidinous trollop she is...
but as you're only engaged,
we'll just have to
look forward to that.
When I was on the staff of
the London Psychiatric Hospital
just after my divorce,
we had a couple that...
Excuse me.
Hmm?
You've been divorced?
Yes, I have.
That's great.
Now, Sam, Sam, I can
say to you with pride,
"Yes, I have been divorced,"
because it is only
from our failures
that we gain knowledge.
Consequently, I was able to make
a much better choice
of a second wife.
Perhaps my vision
was clearer for the
tears that I had shed.
You are the wisest man I know.
High praise, indeed.
Well, now, uh...
I need to begin to
get to know you two,
so, Diane, why don't,
why don't you start?
Well, they say you don't
have prenatal memories,
but I have a distinct
in-utero recollection
of a Fourth of July concert
my mother attended.
There was at least
one Souza march...
And then he proposed
to me in, of all places,
a court of law.
This time I acquiesced and
agreed to become Mrs. Malone...
which brings us here today.
You know, my wife has a skirt
very similar to the
one you're wearing.
Sam...
a little of your
history, please.
Oh, right, all
right. Okay, uh...
Let's see, uh, it was,
uh, August 5, 1973.
I, uh, got my first
major league save.
It was in Baltimore.
Sam, you don't have
to go into all of that.
If you can go back to the womb,
I can go back to the
damn Oriole doubleheader.
Anyway, uh...
sweltering day.
Frank Robinson had
been killing me all season,
but this day, I'm telling you...
it happened every single time.
Which means that,
no matter what town you were in,
these women would just hang
around outside your locker room,
I mean, complete strangers,
and-and throw themselves at you?
Yeah.
It was great.
Well, uh, moving on.
Now, um, what-what are the keys
to a successful marriage?
Well, there are numerous
schools of thought.
Uh, many experts claim
that the most important single
ingredient in a marriage is...
Quickly now.
Love?
Sex.
Honesty...
because from honesty springs...
Fidelity.
Sex.
Yes, trust.
Oh, I was going to say that.
Well, those people are wrong.
Now, during the, uh, course
of my counseling, I have come up
with a number of scenarios,
the responses to which
give very useful pointers
to a couple's compatibility.
So, Sam, we'll start with you.
You're on your honeymoon.
With Diane?
With Diane.
Now, the two of you
are on a tropical beach
wearing nothing but
your swimming togs.
Uh, Doctor, I do have
a tendency to freckle.
Diane is wearing a big hat.
Now, Sam, you see
a woman walk by.
Her flesh is tawny
from the tropic sun.
Her proud yet supple
bosoms heave mightily
against the constraints
of her tiny bikini.
You think she is the most beautiful
creature that you have ever seen.
At this moment, Diane
turns to you and says,
"A penny for your thoughts."
Do you share them with her?
Uh, gee, that's, uh,
that's hard to say.
Wh-When you say "bikini",
is it that French cut...?
Sam!
I'm just trying to
clarify things here.
All right, all right,
do I tell her? Um...
No, of course not.
You wouldn't trust
me to handle that?
Well, yes, of course I would.
Did I say no? I meant yes.
All right.
Diane, it's your wedding night.
You and Sam have just made love,
and Sam has not performed
to your satisfaction.
He asks you how it was.
Do you tell him?
I never have before.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I tell you I'm kidding.
Of course I wouldn't tell him.
It would hurt his feelings.
Fine. Well, I...
just have to express
my appreciation
that you've been
so open with me.
I've heard enough.
That's it?
Of course, Sam,
that's all he has to hear.
The good doctor
is a brilliant man.
I'm sure he has a complete
handle on our relationship.
Yes, I have.
You two should not
only not get married,
you should never
see each other again.
What?!
Well, I'm sorry to be so blunt,
but sometimes a surgeon
has to cut in order to cure.
Whoa...
what's the problem?
Well, would that
there were only one,
but there are so many.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I
see what you mean.
I mean...
first of all, and
most obviously,
you have absolutely
nothing in common.
Then, on top of that,
you have an appalling
lack of communication.
What about the idea
that opposites attract?
Ah, the song of
the truly desperate.
Well, take it from...
take it from one
who has observed
dozens of failed marriages...
The only thing that
opposites attract is divorce.
Well, don't, wait
a minute, don't go.
What shall we do?
Well, think yourselves lucky.
I mean, you found out now.
Saved yourself years,
perhaps decades,
of pain and heartache.
Cheerio.
Ah, Simon!
Simon, I've signed
a blank check.
Now, remember, no favors.
I want you to fill
in your regular fee.
Oh, as you wish. Thanks.
Say, excuse me, I must
dash back to the hotel.
Oh, listen, just for my ledger,
uh, what amount
should I fill in?
$1,500.
Fine. $1,500. Done.
Pretentious limey bastard.
Well, what am I saying?
It was your wedding
gift and he is the best.
The man's a quack.
Imagine he had the nerve to say
that Sam and I
shouldn't get married.
That we have absolutely
nothing in common.
Excuse me, Diane.
What exactly do you
two have in common?
Well, we...
Wait a minute.
Somebody suggesting
Sam and Diane aren't
right for each other.
Now, where have
I heard that be...
Of course. My prayers.
What are we gone do?
We're going to get
married, of course.
We're not going to listen
to that sack of fish 'n' chips.
Wait a minute.
Why, that wily old bird.
He's brilliant.
Hold it, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.
First, he's brilliant,
then he's a quack,
and now he's brilliant again?!
Don't you see?
It was a test.
He was testing our resolve
in the face of his
pronouncement.
Come on, let's go to his hotel.
No, I don't want to
do that. Come on.
Sam, we have to prove to
him that we are indivisible.
Oh, I can't believe
that I almost fell
for the oldest
trick in the book.
Come on.
Why, I thought the oldest
trick in the book was the one
where the guy tells you
you got a spot on your shirt
and then when you
look down, bud-oom...
Flicks you in the nose.
Well, uh, Woody, you do
have a spot on your shirt there.
Ah, no, no, no,
no, no, Mr. Clavin.
I'm not falling for that.
I'm much too smart for you.
Wait, no, no, Woody, Woody.
You, you got a spot right there.
Yeah, yeah, right.
You're not gone make
me look like a dope.
No, darling, I've settled
in for the evening.
I'm desperate for a
bit of peace and quiet,
so I'll just have a bite to eat
and a bath and pop into bed.
Oh, that pompous twit
Frasier Crane says hello.
Yes, bad as usual, if not worse.
Still, you may be amused to
know I stuck him for $1,500.
Oh, uh, excuse me, darling.
There's someone at the door.
Shall we say...
Yes, all right.
Yes, I love you, too.
Oh!
Hello, Doctor.
Ah, this is a surprise.
Uh, sorry about this.
We didn't catch you on
the hopper, did we? Uh...
No, but thanks for asking.
Come in.
This will only take a moment.
You know, you're
a very clever man.
It wasn't until after
you'd left that we realized
you were merely
testing our resolve.
So we stand before you now
as proof we are steadfast in
our devotion to one another.
Well, that's very lovely,
but it wasn't a test.
Oh, listen to him, Sam.
It's yet another test.
I'm afraid I haven't made
myself sufficiently clear.
Um...
you two are an accident
waiting to marry.
Well, you couldn't
be more wrong.
If you only knew the enormous
obstacles we've overcome,
you would know
that we are destined
to die in each other's arms.
Because, although we
are very different people,
our parts mesh
together perfectly.
We have achieved symbiosis.
Well, not every
time, but it's close.
Sorry about this.
Aren't we all?
All I'm saying is
maybe he's right.
Maybe we should
give it some thought.
Maybe we should wait.
Maybe I'm a confirmed bachelor.
Maybe you'll do me the
honor of sticking a sock in it.
I take it it didn't go so well.
He claims it wasn't a test.
If you ask me, his
methods are highly suspect.
How can he say that
we are mismatched
on the basis of
two silly questions.
I didn't even answer
mine accurately.
I said what I thought
he wanted to hear.
Sam, did you answer the
way you wanted to answer
or the way you thought
he wanted you to answer?
Or the way you thought
I wanted you to answer?
I don't know, I got confused
after the babe in
the bikini walked by.
Well, Diane,
did you tell Simon all this?
No, I didn't.
But I'm going to now.
Come on, Sam.
We just came
back from that hotel.
I'm not going back there again.
Sam, this is a crucial
point in our relationship.
Oh, I am starved.
I haven't eaten
all day. Come on.
Uh, both of you,
go to Finch-Royce.
Tell him the truth.
Let him make an accurate
assessment of your relationship.
You owe it to me.
You owe it to him.
And most of all, you
owe it to yourselves.
Now don't come back
until you're fully satisfied.
I don't care
how long it takes.
All right, all right.
Right. Thank you.
1,500 bucks, my butt.
Frasier Crane can
play hardball, too.
If you need anything
else, just let me know.
Oh, thank you.
Now, are you sure the
soup is piping hot this time?
Oh, yes, sir.
I burned myself on the bowl.
Excellent.
Ah, how lovely to see you again.
What's it been, 30 minutes?
I'm sorry to barge in.
I hope we're not disturbing you.
Well, actually, I was just
about to have my dinner.
Dinner?
Yes, I mean, uh, I
don't want to sound rude,
but I actually would
like to eat it while it's hot.
I'm sorry, but this is simply
too important to put it off.
It's been preying on our minds.
We really can't
think of anything else.
Isn't that right,
Sam? Yeah, right.
Are you gone eat those crackers?
Yes, I am. Now, could
you please just say
whatever it is
you've come to say?
Very well.
From the moment of
your pronouncement,
we felt that you were wrong,
and now we realize why.
We gave you the wrong answers
to your questions
about the honeymoon.
We've thought it over
and now we want to
give you our real answers.
Yes, well, it doesn't
matter what you say now.
You see, I mean, what matters
is your first response,
your gut reaction.
I mean, you've had two
hours to think about it now.
Yes, well, sometimes,
it takes Sam two hours
to come up with
his first thought.
I don't, I don't
appreciate that.
You know, it was
your stupid idea
to come here in the first place.
All of a sudden, he says
something you don't like
and now you, you don't
believe him anymore?
Well, he's wrong.
He doesn't know
what he's talking about.
Don't you think he's
capable of making a mistake?
That's highly unlikely...
Although I did let
the two of you in.
Excuse me, um...
Come on, let's get
out of here, will you?
I'm starved, I'm gone
go have some dinner.
You want to join me?
Please say yes.
Oh, I wondered what
was keeping you.
I was beginning to get worried.
Did we get you
out of the shower?
No, no, no, no, the,
uh, the soup was so hot
it set off the sprinkler system.
Sam and I have
been to the library
and we've done
extensive research.
We're here to tell you
that you are full of rubbish.
How thoughtful.
Most people would
only have phoned.
Now, if you'll just examine
the parts that I have marked...
I think I've shown
remarkable restraint so far,
but I have had just
about enough of this.
Now, I've said
that you're not compatible
and you have done nothing
to show me otherwise.
Look, I don't know what
we're supposed to do
or what we're supposed
to say, but we're here,
fighting for our lives together.
Now doesn't that
count for something?
No.
Why not?
Well, let me answer
you this way: Sam,
do you really want to be here?
No.
Oh, what do you mean "no"?
I mean no. I don't
want to be here.
I mean, this whole thing
was your stupid idea.
What do we care if this guy
doesn't think we
should get married?
Nobody we know thinks
we should get married.
We don't go bugging them in
the middle of the night, do we?
All right,
what do you suggest we do?
Nothing.
Oh!
That's your solution
to everything: nothing!
Is that what you're going to do
for the rest of
your life: nothing?
I haven't decided yet.
I've grown to hate them.
That's it. I've died
and gone to hell.
Doctor, there's one thing
you haven't considered.
Right. Fine. All right. Okay.
Um, Sam, Diane,
you two are perfect together.
I'm sorry I made a mistake,
but I now see that you are
the most perfectly matched
couple on the face of the earth.
But, why, why am
I telling you this?
Let's, let's share it with the
rest of the world, shall we?
Hear this, world,
the rest of you can
stop getting married now!
It's been done to perfection!
Envy them, sofa.
Envy them, chair.
For you shall never
be as cozy as they.
For I guarantee
that their marriage
will be a total
epoch-shattering success.
And I stake my life on it!
Wait, let, let me
put that on record.
I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce,
being of sound mind,
declare that Sam and Diane
shall be together
throughout all eternity,
and if I am wrong,
I hereby promise that
I will take my own life
in the most disgusting
manner possible!
Here, take the tape.
No, no, no, no, no!
Take the whole machine.
It's my wedding gift to you...
To you, the most perfect couple
since the dawn of time!
See?