Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 19 - Dog Bites Cliff - full transcript
On his postal route, Cliff is bitten by a dog, and decides to sue the owner for $200,000. Madeline, the dog's owner, ends up being a beautiful, voluptuous woman, but one that is up front about wanting to help Cliff despite the fact that she has little money. Cliff and Madeline start dating, the gang at the bar thinking that it only a ploy on her part for Cliff not to sue. Cliff realizes this is the case, but is still dating her in hopes of trading dropping the lawsuit for a roll in the sack. Madeline announces to everyone that her lawyer wants her to get Cliff to sign a waiver to absolve her of any responsibility, but she refuses to do so. Perhaps Madeline really does like Cliff. Or maybe she's got other methods of getting her way. Madeline and Cliff make it all the way to bed in a nice suite at the Ritz, when... Meanwhile, Diane is off on a Buddhist monastery retreat for a couple of weeks.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Don't work too
hard there, Diane.
I don't mind.
Our wedding day
draws ever nearer,
and all this conditioning
is simply preparation
for that special moment.
When you and I exchange rings,
my hands must be pristine,
because everyone's
eyes will be on my fingers.
And everyone's fingers'll
be down their throats.
Oh, Carla.
Sweet, pathetic Carla.
Can't you see that I am
in far too good a mood
to let your petty
asides bother me?
I'm afraid you'll
just have to find
some other way of... bugging me.
If you insist.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Yes! Thank you for telling me.
If you don't hear from
me in an hour, I'll be there.
Okay, thank you.
Oh, Sam, uh, may I
speak to you for a minute?
Oh, it'd be a new
record if you do.
Um, that was a Buddhist
monastery called The Glade.
I've been hoping to
go on retreat there,
and guess what?
They have a vacancy.
Oh, great!
Yeah, I heard all the monks went
to Fort Lauderdale this year.
No, Sam, it's not a resort.
It's a contemplative retreat
where people go as a
means of purifying their souls.
For two weeks, you're
isolated from others
to commune with yourself.
You are provided
with a small room.
You're fed pure,
toxin-free foods.
Oh, oh, wait, wait.
And...
they have the biggest
Buddha east of the Mississippi.
Ooh!
Man!
Boy, he is a bruiser, isn't he?
Uh-huh.
Well, it's not exactly Vegas,
but, uh, all right,
I'll give it a try.
Wh-Wh-What should I bring?
Oh...
No, Sam...
I'm going alone.
Only in my solitude
can I discover who we are.
Oh, wait-wait a minute here.
This isn't one of
those weird cults
where they-they
mess with your head
and you end up handing
out flowers at the airport.
You will be coming
back, won't you?
No, I won't be
coming back, but I will.
I guess I just made up
a little Zen koan, didn't I?
Let me explain.
A koan is a... a paradox
upon which one meditates
in order to become
more enlightened.
Uh, well, for example,
what was your face before
your parents were born?
Easy. A ten.
This is kind of fun.
You got any more?
Well, I'm off to The Glade.
It is all right, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, what the heck?
Why not? Sure, go ahead.
Good-bye, my love.
Bye-bye.
Steal me an ashtray.
Hey, hey, hey, is Diane taking
the day off again?
No.
Good.
She's taking two weeks off.
No, Sammy, that's not fair!
Come on, she's always takin' off
for one stupid
reason or another.
Can't we just kill her?
Sh-She's my fiancée, Carla.
Is that a yes?
No, it's not.
Hey, hey, everybody.
Hey, Cliffie.
What's with your leg?
Eh, I'd rather
not talk about it.
Got bitten by a dog.
Ten stitches to close the wound.
I tell you, these
unleashed animals
are a menace to postal workers.
Well, you're going
to sue, aren't you?
Well...
Now, I may be wrong, Carla,
but I don't think you can sue
members of the animal kingdom.
I'm talking about the
owners, Nellie Belle.
No, there-there's
no need to sue.
I left a, uh, strongly
worded note in their mailbox.
Well, that's too bad, Cliff.
I know a lawyer who would
take it on a contingency basis.
It wouldn't cost you a dime,
and you might end up
with a sizable settlement.
All right, if it'll get you
off my back. All right.
Cheers.
Yeah, oh, just a minute, please.
Mr. Clavin, for you.
Uh, take a message.
I'll call 'em back, Wood.
Yeah, can he get back to you?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
She wants to know
how your leg is.
Eh? Eh? See? The mutt's
owner tracked me down.
Well, tell her that
she can deep-six
that phony concern of hers.
It doesn't cut it with me.
You can deep-six
your phony concern.
It doesn't cut it with him.
Tell her my leg and
I will see her in court.
His leg and him
will see you in court.
Oh, okay, I'll tell him.
Uh, your mom wants you to
be home by 6:00 for dinner.
Woody, Woody, why didn't
you tell me it was my mother?
I just did.
No, I mean before.
Well, I didn't know it was
her till I picked up the phone.
No, Woody...
When you were talkin' to her,
why didn't you say it was her?
She already knew that.
Uh, I'd leave it alone, Cliff.
I think it's one of
those Zen koan things.
Eh, buono sera, mi amigos.
Hey, Cliffie, how's your leg?
Oh, stiffening up there, Sammy.
Uh, the muscle's all cramped,
and I think the, uh, wound's
getting a little infected.
And the mental anguish
that goes along with this...
You know, you just... you
just can't put a price on this.
Well, let me guess here.
You've seen an attorney.
Yep. Yeah, yeah, the guy
said that, uh, you know,
97% of all these
canine attack cases...
decided in favor of the postman.
Well, good for you, Cliff.
You deserve to get a
little satisfaction out of this.
Yeah, yeah, about, uh,
200,000 clams worth.
Two hundred thousand?!
Dinner is on Cliff, all right?
Huh, what do you say, buddy?
I'll go upstairs,
snag us a table,
check out the specials.
I'll be right back.
Eh, eh?
Hey, maybe I could sue
somebody about my broken thumb.
I mean, after all, I
did slip on the ice.
Well, maybe so.
Where'd it happen?
Right outside the bar here.
No, you don't have a case.
Hey, Cliff? Huh?
Have you ever thought
that you might be suing
some poor, sweet,
little old lady?
Hey, listen, uh, sharpie,
who she is is irrelevant.
It's the letter of the law
that's been violated here,
and I just can't wait
to get her into court
and tear her to pieces
with my verbal gymnastics.
Um...
I'm looking
for a Mr. Cliff Clavin.
Yep.
You left this note
in my mailbox.
I'm afraid it was
my dog that bit you.
Uh...
Uh...
Excuse me.
Cliffie, wh-what are
you trying to say?
Yes, sh-she is very attractive.
Mr. Clavin, I'm terribly
sorry about what happened.
Uh, how is your leg?
Cliffie, we're in luck.
The special is filet
of... filet... filet... filet...
Great. Stereo.
Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys,
hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa!
Sit down, sit down.
Come on, come on, come on.
Can I, uh... can I...
can I offer you
a-a drink, Miss...?
Keith. Madeline Keith.
A white wine would
be lovely, thank you.
Coming right up.
Look, um... I don't
have very much money,
but I'd like to help
with the doctor bills.
That's good.
That's good.
Anything to ease the burden
on you and your family.
You're not married.
You're not married.
Oh, oh, I mean, I'm not married.
But I could be if I
wanted to, right, Sam?
Sure, Cliff.
Well...
I can't imagine a man
like you living alone.
Uh, uh, I don't live alone.
I live with my... mother.
Oh?
Yeah, well, it's, you
know, not that I have to.
It's we're related.
Uh, well, you know,
don't get me wrong.
I mean, I like her. Uh...
No, I think it's wonderful
that you're taking care of
your mother in her old age.
Oh, uh... couldn't throw her
out in the street, I guess, huh?
Hey, I mean, who-who'd
make my lunch?
Oh, Mr. Clavin...
You know... it's too bad
we didn't meet under
different circumstances.
We could've been friends.
Yeah... I guess
that is too bad, huh?
Look... here is my number.
If you need anything...
call me.
Maybe it's just me,
but I think that
woman's kind of pretty.
Really? I, uh... hadn't noticed.
Too busy thinking
about the lawsuit, huh?
Lawsuit?
Jake the Snake is
body-slammed to the mat.
He's pinned by Hulk Hogan.
One, two, three!
The Hulk wins it!
Oh, man, that Hulk
Hogan is amazing, isn't he?
Woody, the thing is fixed.
Oh, that's too bad.
Hulk Hogan can't have children.
It's evolution's loss.
Hey, everybody.
Cliffie, who died?
The old Cliff Clavin,
that's who, Normie.
Nice threads.
Ah, thank you, Sammy.
Can I have a little drink there,
uh, Woody?
We have, uh, enough time
before Madeline and I go
out to dinner this evening.
Wait a minute, are you
still seeing each other?
Every day this week, buddy.
Oh, things are
getting pretty hot, huh?
Sammy, our relationship is not
based merely on
the physical, huh?
He isn't getting any.
Well, I, uh, better go check
up on our reservations.
Uh, Cliff, I hate to bring
up an ugly subject, but, uh...
Oh, that's okay, Sam.
We're already in the area.
Are-Are you still planning to
go through with the lawsuit?
Well, you, uh, you
know how slowly
the wheels of justice
grind there, Samuel.
Uh-oh.
Guess what sap is being suckered
into dropping a lawsuit?
Well, now, not
necessarily now, all right?
Let's just take a
look at all these facts,
as complicated as they may be,
and see if we can come
to a conclusion about this.
Okay, let's start where
this gorgeous woman
is interested in
Cliff, all right?
Now, I don't think we have
to go any further than that.
No, now, just a second.
I mean, I don't think
we're really being fair.
Now, let's say
if an ugly woman
were interested in Cliff,
would any of us be suspicious?
If a living woman
were interested in Cliff,
I'd be suspicious.
You know, I got to go along
with Dr. Crane on this one.
I can't believe that
someone would actually lie
just to save a lot of money.
Woody, don't help me, okay?
Listen, somebody's
got to tell Cliff the truth.
I guarantee that he'll never
talk to the person who does.
Okay, you talked me into it.
Hey, Hopalong!
Come here. I
want to talk to you.
Huh?
I don't know how
to tell you this.
Wait a minute. Yes, I do.
You're an idiot!
Everybody in the bar thinks
that babe is
playing you for a fool
and the second you drop
your lawsuit, you're history.
You are a sap.
I know... but I'm having
the time of my life.
You know, uh, how
often am I a sap
with a beautiful woman?
I mean, I usually am a
sap with the bowsers,
but, uh...
when Madeline and I
walk into a restaurant,
all the guys' heads, they turn.
And they're not saying, "Hey...
there's a beautiful woman
over there with a sap."
Yes, they are.
Look, all I know is that
as long as we're together,
there's a good chance she may
grant me the, uh, ultimate favor.
Yeah, right, Clavin.
You're threatening
to sue her, not kill her.
Oh, uh, Madeline.
You... You look
ravishing as ever.
Thank you, Cliff. I
thought you would like it.
Like it?!
If I had better legs,
I'd get one for myself.
Oh, Cliff, you're adorable.
Uh, we better get going.
Uh, late for the
reservations, huh?
Um, before we go,
I think we need to sit
down and have a talk.
Is, there, uh, something wrong?
Actually, yes.
What, uh... what
is it, Madeline?
Well...
this lawsuit has been
preying on my mind,
and... well, my
attorney gave me this.
It's a waiver form.
It releases me from all
liability for the dog bite.
And, uh, I guess you
want me to sign it, huh?
I want you to tear it up.
Well, I don't understand...
Please, just tear it up.
When this first began,
I thought I could get
you to drop the lawsuit,
if I was nice to you.
But then, the funniest
thing happened.
I grew to like you... a lot.
But I'll understand
if you hate me
for what I was going to do.
I was playing with your emotions
when you've been
so honest with me.
Uh, well, I-I forgive
you, Madeline, uh...
No, you're a decent guy, Cliff.
Maybe I just better go.
No, uh, Madeline, wait.
Uh, look, I-I-I...
Anything you did, it doesn't
make a difference to me.
You're not just saying
that to make me feel better?
No, I swear it. Scout's honor.
Oh, Cliff, oh!
Oh!
Doesn't it feel good
to clear the air?
Oh, yeah, it does.
Look, why don't we
forget about the dinner
and rent a room somewhere
and just celebrate
our socks off?
Really?
Well, uh...
well, the, uh, Ritz is
just around the corner.
Why, Cliff, I think
that's a wonderful idea.
Carla, would, uh, you be a dear
and, uh, cancel
dinner reservations
for the, uh, Sap party?
We're, uh...
we're going to have, uh,
Ritz service at the room.
I, uh, I meant Ritz
service at the room.
Can you believe I said
"Ritz service at the room"?
What I meant was, uh,
Ritz service at the room.
Cheers.
Oh, hey, Mr. Clavin, what's new?
Sure thing. Hold on.
Sam, it's for you.
Yeah, Cliff?
Oh, hey, Sammy... Sammy?
It's, uh, it's about to happen.
And y-you stopped to call me?
She's, uh, she's in the john
putting on her
best bib and tucker.
Hey, uh, Sam, can I
make a small confession?
Sure.
I'm scared.
Well, Cliff, if it's
any consolation,
I've seen her, and
I'm scared for you.
Oh, my God...
Oh, Sam...
Slide over, Cliff.
No, I meant this way, Cliff.
Oh. Yes, ma'am.
Now... isn't this wonderful?
Yeah...
I wish the guys in
the bar could see us.
Really?
Oh, I mean, you know,
it's just a figure of speech.
Uh... uh, they just
think that we're together
because you-you want
me to drop the lawsuit and...
Well, they couldn't
be more wrong.
Oh, no, I know, uh... I know.
It's just, uh...
I wish I could, uh...
convince them of that.
I know.
If only that silly lawsuit
were out of the way,
I could focus my
total attention on you,
taking you to a
height of ecstasy
you never dreamed possible.
Yeah, I could go for that...
but, uh, well, I, uh...
I ripped up that
release form in the bar.
Well, there...
No...
Unless...
Unless what?
Unless... No...
No, what? No, tell me.
Well, I happen to
have another copy
of that release
form in my purse.
Oh, what a break!
I'm a lucky guy!
Uh, you got a pen?
Oh!
Oh, I feel a terrible burden
lifted off my shoulders.
Oh, yeah. Me, too.
W-W-W-W-What now?
Well, you just lie back...
Yeah?
And close your eyes...
Oh, yeah!
And I'll check my
phone messages.
Uh, excuse me?
Well, I get very distracted
when I haven't
checked my messages.
And you don't want me
to be distracted, do you?
Oh, my God!
Uh-oh.
And, uh, she hung
up the phone and said,
"Cliff, uh, I don't know
how to tell you this, but, uh,
my husband's come back."
Wait a minute now.
She's married all this
time and never told you?
Yeah. Seems that her husband,
a true and gallant soldier
of these United States,
was, uh, lost and presumed dead
during some, uh, secret
mission out there in the Far East.
Oh, as it turns out,
he was only wounded,
and although he suffered,
uh, years of torture,
see, uh, uh, somehow,
he managed to, uh,
dig a tunnel with
a pair of chopsticks
and... make his way
to a, uh, pay phone
and, uh, give her a call.
Cliff, this is an
unbelievable story.
Oh, yeah, Sammy.
It's unbelievable to
me, and I was there.
But, uh, she barely had
time to blow me a kiss
and wish me a
happy life, and, uh...
then she was gone...
like a dream in the night.
What a maroon.
I... I guess we were
like a pair of lovers
that were never meant to be.
Like Romeo and Juliet...
Rhett, Scarlett...
Heathcliff, Kathy...
Heath, Cliff and Kathy?
Isn't that three
people, Mr. Clavin?
a live studio audience.
Don't work too
hard there, Diane.
I don't mind.
Our wedding day
draws ever nearer,
and all this conditioning
is simply preparation
for that special moment.
When you and I exchange rings,
my hands must be pristine,
because everyone's
eyes will be on my fingers.
And everyone's fingers'll
be down their throats.
Oh, Carla.
Sweet, pathetic Carla.
Can't you see that I am
in far too good a mood
to let your petty
asides bother me?
I'm afraid you'll
just have to find
some other way of... bugging me.
If you insist.
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Yes! Thank you for telling me.
If you don't hear from
me in an hour, I'll be there.
Okay, thank you.
Oh, Sam, uh, may I
speak to you for a minute?
Oh, it'd be a new
record if you do.
Um, that was a Buddhist
monastery called The Glade.
I've been hoping to
go on retreat there,
and guess what?
They have a vacancy.
Oh, great!
Yeah, I heard all the monks went
to Fort Lauderdale this year.
No, Sam, it's not a resort.
It's a contemplative retreat
where people go as a
means of purifying their souls.
For two weeks, you're
isolated from others
to commune with yourself.
You are provided
with a small room.
You're fed pure,
toxin-free foods.
Oh, oh, wait, wait.
And...
they have the biggest
Buddha east of the Mississippi.
Ooh!
Man!
Boy, he is a bruiser, isn't he?
Uh-huh.
Well, it's not exactly Vegas,
but, uh, all right,
I'll give it a try.
Wh-Wh-What should I bring?
Oh...
No, Sam...
I'm going alone.
Only in my solitude
can I discover who we are.
Oh, wait-wait a minute here.
This isn't one of
those weird cults
where they-they
mess with your head
and you end up handing
out flowers at the airport.
You will be coming
back, won't you?
No, I won't be
coming back, but I will.
I guess I just made up
a little Zen koan, didn't I?
Let me explain.
A koan is a... a paradox
upon which one meditates
in order to become
more enlightened.
Uh, well, for example,
what was your face before
your parents were born?
Easy. A ten.
This is kind of fun.
You got any more?
Well, I'm off to The Glade.
It is all right, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, what the heck?
Why not? Sure, go ahead.
Good-bye, my love.
Bye-bye.
Steal me an ashtray.
Hey, hey, hey, is Diane taking
the day off again?
No.
Good.
She's taking two weeks off.
No, Sammy, that's not fair!
Come on, she's always takin' off
for one stupid
reason or another.
Can't we just kill her?
Sh-She's my fiancée, Carla.
Is that a yes?
No, it's not.
Hey, hey, everybody.
Hey, Cliffie.
What's with your leg?
Eh, I'd rather
not talk about it.
Got bitten by a dog.
Ten stitches to close the wound.
I tell you, these
unleashed animals
are a menace to postal workers.
Well, you're going
to sue, aren't you?
Well...
Now, I may be wrong, Carla,
but I don't think you can sue
members of the animal kingdom.
I'm talking about the
owners, Nellie Belle.
No, there-there's
no need to sue.
I left a, uh, strongly
worded note in their mailbox.
Well, that's too bad, Cliff.
I know a lawyer who would
take it on a contingency basis.
It wouldn't cost you a dime,
and you might end up
with a sizable settlement.
All right, if it'll get you
off my back. All right.
Cheers.
Yeah, oh, just a minute, please.
Mr. Clavin, for you.
Uh, take a message.
I'll call 'em back, Wood.
Yeah, can he get back to you?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
She wants to know
how your leg is.
Eh? Eh? See? The mutt's
owner tracked me down.
Well, tell her that
she can deep-six
that phony concern of hers.
It doesn't cut it with me.
You can deep-six
your phony concern.
It doesn't cut it with him.
Tell her my leg and
I will see her in court.
His leg and him
will see you in court.
Oh, okay, I'll tell him.
Uh, your mom wants you to
be home by 6:00 for dinner.
Woody, Woody, why didn't
you tell me it was my mother?
I just did.
No, I mean before.
Well, I didn't know it was
her till I picked up the phone.
No, Woody...
When you were talkin' to her,
why didn't you say it was her?
She already knew that.
Uh, I'd leave it alone, Cliff.
I think it's one of
those Zen koan things.
Eh, buono sera, mi amigos.
Hey, Cliffie, how's your leg?
Oh, stiffening up there, Sammy.
Uh, the muscle's all cramped,
and I think the, uh, wound's
getting a little infected.
And the mental anguish
that goes along with this...
You know, you just... you
just can't put a price on this.
Well, let me guess here.
You've seen an attorney.
Yep. Yeah, yeah, the guy
said that, uh, you know,
97% of all these
canine attack cases...
decided in favor of the postman.
Well, good for you, Cliff.
You deserve to get a
little satisfaction out of this.
Yeah, yeah, about, uh,
200,000 clams worth.
Two hundred thousand?!
Dinner is on Cliff, all right?
Huh, what do you say, buddy?
I'll go upstairs,
snag us a table,
check out the specials.
I'll be right back.
Eh, eh?
Hey, maybe I could sue
somebody about my broken thumb.
I mean, after all, I
did slip on the ice.
Well, maybe so.
Where'd it happen?
Right outside the bar here.
No, you don't have a case.
Hey, Cliff? Huh?
Have you ever thought
that you might be suing
some poor, sweet,
little old lady?
Hey, listen, uh, sharpie,
who she is is irrelevant.
It's the letter of the law
that's been violated here,
and I just can't wait
to get her into court
and tear her to pieces
with my verbal gymnastics.
Um...
I'm looking
for a Mr. Cliff Clavin.
Yep.
You left this note
in my mailbox.
I'm afraid it was
my dog that bit you.
Uh...
Uh...
Excuse me.
Cliffie, wh-what are
you trying to say?
Yes, sh-she is very attractive.
Mr. Clavin, I'm terribly
sorry about what happened.
Uh, how is your leg?
Cliffie, we're in luck.
The special is filet
of... filet... filet... filet...
Great. Stereo.
Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys,
hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa!
Sit down, sit down.
Come on, come on, come on.
Can I, uh... can I...
can I offer you
a-a drink, Miss...?
Keith. Madeline Keith.
A white wine would
be lovely, thank you.
Coming right up.
Look, um... I don't
have very much money,
but I'd like to help
with the doctor bills.
That's good.
That's good.
Anything to ease the burden
on you and your family.
You're not married.
You're not married.
Oh, oh, I mean, I'm not married.
But I could be if I
wanted to, right, Sam?
Sure, Cliff.
Well...
I can't imagine a man
like you living alone.
Uh, uh, I don't live alone.
I live with my... mother.
Oh?
Yeah, well, it's, you
know, not that I have to.
It's we're related.
Uh, well, you know,
don't get me wrong.
I mean, I like her. Uh...
No, I think it's wonderful
that you're taking care of
your mother in her old age.
Oh, uh... couldn't throw her
out in the street, I guess, huh?
Hey, I mean, who-who'd
make my lunch?
Oh, Mr. Clavin...
You know... it's too bad
we didn't meet under
different circumstances.
We could've been friends.
Yeah... I guess
that is too bad, huh?
Look... here is my number.
If you need anything...
call me.
Maybe it's just me,
but I think that
woman's kind of pretty.
Really? I, uh... hadn't noticed.
Too busy thinking
about the lawsuit, huh?
Lawsuit?
Jake the Snake is
body-slammed to the mat.
He's pinned by Hulk Hogan.
One, two, three!
The Hulk wins it!
Oh, man, that Hulk
Hogan is amazing, isn't he?
Woody, the thing is fixed.
Oh, that's too bad.
Hulk Hogan can't have children.
It's evolution's loss.
Hey, everybody.
Cliffie, who died?
The old Cliff Clavin,
that's who, Normie.
Nice threads.
Ah, thank you, Sammy.
Can I have a little drink there,
uh, Woody?
We have, uh, enough time
before Madeline and I go
out to dinner this evening.
Wait a minute, are you
still seeing each other?
Every day this week, buddy.
Oh, things are
getting pretty hot, huh?
Sammy, our relationship is not
based merely on
the physical, huh?
He isn't getting any.
Well, I, uh, better go check
up on our reservations.
Uh, Cliff, I hate to bring
up an ugly subject, but, uh...
Oh, that's okay, Sam.
We're already in the area.
Are-Are you still planning to
go through with the lawsuit?
Well, you, uh, you
know how slowly
the wheels of justice
grind there, Samuel.
Uh-oh.
Guess what sap is being suckered
into dropping a lawsuit?
Well, now, not
necessarily now, all right?
Let's just take a
look at all these facts,
as complicated as they may be,
and see if we can come
to a conclusion about this.
Okay, let's start where
this gorgeous woman
is interested in
Cliff, all right?
Now, I don't think we have
to go any further than that.
No, now, just a second.
I mean, I don't think
we're really being fair.
Now, let's say
if an ugly woman
were interested in Cliff,
would any of us be suspicious?
If a living woman
were interested in Cliff,
I'd be suspicious.
You know, I got to go along
with Dr. Crane on this one.
I can't believe that
someone would actually lie
just to save a lot of money.
Woody, don't help me, okay?
Listen, somebody's
got to tell Cliff the truth.
I guarantee that he'll never
talk to the person who does.
Okay, you talked me into it.
Hey, Hopalong!
Come here. I
want to talk to you.
Huh?
I don't know how
to tell you this.
Wait a minute. Yes, I do.
You're an idiot!
Everybody in the bar thinks
that babe is
playing you for a fool
and the second you drop
your lawsuit, you're history.
You are a sap.
I know... but I'm having
the time of my life.
You know, uh, how
often am I a sap
with a beautiful woman?
I mean, I usually am a
sap with the bowsers,
but, uh...
when Madeline and I
walk into a restaurant,
all the guys' heads, they turn.
And they're not saying, "Hey...
there's a beautiful woman
over there with a sap."
Yes, they are.
Look, all I know is that
as long as we're together,
there's a good chance she may
grant me the, uh, ultimate favor.
Yeah, right, Clavin.
You're threatening
to sue her, not kill her.
Oh, uh, Madeline.
You... You look
ravishing as ever.
Thank you, Cliff. I
thought you would like it.
Like it?!
If I had better legs,
I'd get one for myself.
Oh, Cliff, you're adorable.
Uh, we better get going.
Uh, late for the
reservations, huh?
Um, before we go,
I think we need to sit
down and have a talk.
Is, there, uh, something wrong?
Actually, yes.
What, uh... what
is it, Madeline?
Well...
this lawsuit has been
preying on my mind,
and... well, my
attorney gave me this.
It's a waiver form.
It releases me from all
liability for the dog bite.
And, uh, I guess you
want me to sign it, huh?
I want you to tear it up.
Well, I don't understand...
Please, just tear it up.
When this first began,
I thought I could get
you to drop the lawsuit,
if I was nice to you.
But then, the funniest
thing happened.
I grew to like you... a lot.
But I'll understand
if you hate me
for what I was going to do.
I was playing with your emotions
when you've been
so honest with me.
Uh, well, I-I forgive
you, Madeline, uh...
No, you're a decent guy, Cliff.
Maybe I just better go.
No, uh, Madeline, wait.
Uh, look, I-I-I...
Anything you did, it doesn't
make a difference to me.
You're not just saying
that to make me feel better?
No, I swear it. Scout's honor.
Oh, Cliff, oh!
Oh!
Doesn't it feel good
to clear the air?
Oh, yeah, it does.
Look, why don't we
forget about the dinner
and rent a room somewhere
and just celebrate
our socks off?
Really?
Well, uh...
well, the, uh, Ritz is
just around the corner.
Why, Cliff, I think
that's a wonderful idea.
Carla, would, uh, you be a dear
and, uh, cancel
dinner reservations
for the, uh, Sap party?
We're, uh...
we're going to have, uh,
Ritz service at the room.
I, uh, I meant Ritz
service at the room.
Can you believe I said
"Ritz service at the room"?
What I meant was, uh,
Ritz service at the room.
Cheers.
Oh, hey, Mr. Clavin, what's new?
Sure thing. Hold on.
Sam, it's for you.
Yeah, Cliff?
Oh, hey, Sammy... Sammy?
It's, uh, it's about to happen.
And y-you stopped to call me?
She's, uh, she's in the john
putting on her
best bib and tucker.
Hey, uh, Sam, can I
make a small confession?
Sure.
I'm scared.
Well, Cliff, if it's
any consolation,
I've seen her, and
I'm scared for you.
Oh, my God...
Oh, Sam...
Slide over, Cliff.
No, I meant this way, Cliff.
Oh. Yes, ma'am.
Now... isn't this wonderful?
Yeah...
I wish the guys in
the bar could see us.
Really?
Oh, I mean, you know,
it's just a figure of speech.
Uh... uh, they just
think that we're together
because you-you want
me to drop the lawsuit and...
Well, they couldn't
be more wrong.
Oh, no, I know, uh... I know.
It's just, uh...
I wish I could, uh...
convince them of that.
I know.
If only that silly lawsuit
were out of the way,
I could focus my
total attention on you,
taking you to a
height of ecstasy
you never dreamed possible.
Yeah, I could go for that...
but, uh, well, I, uh...
I ripped up that
release form in the bar.
Well, there...
No...
Unless...
Unless what?
Unless... No...
No, what? No, tell me.
Well, I happen to
have another copy
of that release
form in my purse.
Oh, what a break!
I'm a lucky guy!
Uh, you got a pen?
Oh!
Oh, I feel a terrible burden
lifted off my shoulders.
Oh, yeah. Me, too.
W-W-W-W-What now?
Well, you just lie back...
Yeah?
And close your eyes...
Oh, yeah!
And I'll check my
phone messages.
Uh, excuse me?
Well, I get very distracted
when I haven't
checked my messages.
And you don't want me
to be distracted, do you?
Oh, my God!
Uh-oh.
And, uh, she hung
up the phone and said,
"Cliff, uh, I don't know
how to tell you this, but, uh,
my husband's come back."
Wait a minute now.
She's married all this
time and never told you?
Yeah. Seems that her husband,
a true and gallant soldier
of these United States,
was, uh, lost and presumed dead
during some, uh, secret
mission out there in the Far East.
Oh, as it turns out,
he was only wounded,
and although he suffered,
uh, years of torture,
see, uh, uh, somehow,
he managed to, uh,
dig a tunnel with
a pair of chopsticks
and... make his way
to a, uh, pay phone
and, uh, give her a call.
Cliff, this is an
unbelievable story.
Oh, yeah, Sammy.
It's unbelievable to
me, and I was there.
But, uh, she barely had
time to blow me a kiss
and wish me a
happy life, and, uh...
then she was gone...
like a dream in the night.
What a maroon.
I... I guess we were
like a pair of lovers
that were never meant to be.
Like Romeo and Juliet...
Rhett, Scarlett...
Heathcliff, Kathy...
Heath, Cliff and Kathy?
Isn't that three
people, Mr. Clavin?