Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 18 - One Last Fling - full transcript

Hey, Cheers is filmed

before a live studio audience.

Hi, Wood.

Let me get a beer, will you?

Oh, say, what'd you
do to your thumb there?

Oh, well, it's a
long story, but, uh,

I was playing this guy
some pool last night,

and I had this one-
four-seven combination.

Yeah.

So, I was trying to show off

and sink all of
them in one shot,



but the balls were positioned

in such a way that I had to lean

way over the edge of the table

and get in a kind
of twisted-up...

Yeah, so, what, you fell
and you broke your thumb?

No. I still couldn't
get the shot,

so I went and got the bridge

and I got up on a chair

and I put all my
weight on the bridge.

And it snapped and you
fell and broke your thumb?

No.

I made the shot
and I beat the guy.

Oh, so he got angry and
he broke your thumb, right?

No, I beat him fair and square



and he paid me the
ten bucks he owed me.

So, how did you
break your thumb?

I slipped on the ice
on the way home.

Woody, why did you go into

all that long-winded
detail about the game?

Well, now, it wouldn't
have been much of a story

without the pool stuff.

Hello, Woody.

What happened to your thumb?

Oh, I slipped on the ice.

Woody, why didn't you tell
him the long, drawn-out version?

That's the guy I was
playing pool with.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

What the hell is keeping Diane?

I'm gonna be late for school.

School, Carla?

Well, I must say I'm
delightfully astonished.

You know, I've always
held that adult education

is one of the finest gifts
that one can give oneself.

Kudos on joining the
ever-burgeoning ranks

of enlightened, wondering minds

seeking betterment
through knowledge.

It's traffic school, you nimrod.

You got pinched, huh, Carla?

Yeah, speeding.

But it wasn't my fault.

There was a leaf
stuck on my windshield,

and I had to gun her
up to 80 to blow it off.

What, and the cop
didn't believe you?

No. Couldn't be bribed, either.

Carla, what, you offered
a policeman money?

Money? With a
body like this? Huh.

Hello, everyone.

We're back.

Sammy, where you been, man?

Picking china patterns.

This may have been the
stupidest morning of my life.

Oh, Sam, don't forget.

Tomorrow we
register for flatware.

The second stupidest.

Well, did you select
something nice?

We've committed to
Royal Doulton's Carlisle

for the fine china,

but Sam still hasn't
made up his mind

about the everyday ware.

Yes, I have.

I, I like the dishes with the
different colored flowers.

Oh, ish!

Come on, I love those.

They're just like I
had when I was a kid.

They're real pretty,

and-and if you don't like
the food on your plate,

you can hide it in the pattern.

Okay, fine.

Well, uh, why don't
you think about it,

and if you still insist

that they're not the
most garish, bourgeois,

stomach-turningly
ugly pattern in the book,

then that's what we'll get.

She's making me nuts

with this wedding stuff.

So, ditch her.

You know, if I had my way,

I would find the nearest
justice of the peace

and, and tie the knot.

You know, that's
not such a bad idea.

Right. Or you could ditch her.

Don't you have traffic
school, or something?

Nuts! Now I'm gonna be late!

Well, I guess I can make
it if I run all the yellows.

Sam... Yo.

I've got Penelope from the
bridal registry on the line,

and we're going back

over the linen choices.

Now, for the fingertip towels

in the guest bath, do
we want monogrammed,

or is that too ootsie?

The second thing you said.

I agree.

Of course... a simple
initial can be elegant.

Oh, I think you'd better
look at the picture.

I need a man's opinion.

Frasier, help Diane,
will you please?

Sam, these will be
our fingertip towels

for the rest of our lives.

We'd better get married
quick, or I'm gonna kill her.

All right, all right, that's it.

Bachelor party here tonight.

What are you talking about?

Well, didn't you hear the man?

Uh, they might be eloping.

And I'm not gonna
be, uh, done out

of my right as best man

to, uh, throw him the best
wingding of the century.

All right now, so what're
we gonna have...?

Just a second here, Cliff.

Uh, Sam asked you
to be his best man?

Well, not in so many words,

but, uh, you know,
who's closest?

So, uh...

Hold on now, I don't know.

I may not have known Sam
as long as some of you guys,

but we're pretty darned close.

I think I'm kind of like
the brother he never had.

Wait, Woody, Sam has a brother.

Guess we're not as
close as I thought.

Well, look, I think
we better throw

the greatest bachelor party

for the greatest
bachelor who ever lived.

Tell you what.

I'll pick up some deli platters
and some champagne,

and you guys can
just reimburse me,

you know, at your
leisure, all right?

Why didn't you say
so in the first place?

Okay, we got the food
and the drink taken care of.

Now we need a little
bit of entertainment.

Who's gonna...?

Well, I-I think
tradition calls for, uh,

what about a stag film, huh?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think there's

a place on my route
that might sell them.

Uh, the, uh, Hot and
Nasty Video Boutique.

Yeah, I think there might be
one or two laying around there.

Okay, we got the food,
drink, entertainment.

Now all we need is a, uh,

a girl jumping out of the cake.

Oh, yeah, I've seen them do that

in the movies all the time.

That seems like a
waste of good cake to me.

You see, Woody, the cake

is really immaterial.

It's the girl who's
the actual dessert.

Right.

Well, then I think it
should be Miss Chambers.

Ooh. Aw, come on.

Ee-i-ee-i-oh!

Hey, listen, tractor-boy...

you know,

no guy wants his fiancée
jumping out of a cake.

It's, I mean, it's like taking
your mother to the prom.

Or so I'm told.

Okay, okay, okay,

so where can we get
Sammy someone hot?

Dare we look in his book?

Nah, Sammy's
had all those girls.

Oh, Sam, stop being
such a grumble-bunny.

Just grit your teeth and
pick out a dust ruffle.

Guys, I still say

we're missing a bet
right under our noses.

Look, pal, trust me...

Oh, it's... that's okay.

Listen, I... it
wouldn't hurt to ask.

No, no, no, no, don't, don't...

Excuse me, Miss Chambers?

Yes, Woody? Uh...

Uh, would you like to jump out
of Sam's bachelor party cake?

Woody, I abhor such
juvenile, sexist male rituals.

Yeah, but would you do it?

Just checking.

All right, guys, you're right.

We're going to have to find

some other beautiful
girl to be Sam's dessert.

Wait a minute.

I, I just realized

why you want
me, the bride-to-be,

to jump from the cake.

It's a wonderful irony.

Oh...

Of course I'll do it.

Of course.

Oh, great.

Imagine me, of all people,

missing the point of a joke.

Hey, don't worry about
it, Miss Chambers.

It even happens to me.

Sammy, uh, what time
you got there, man?

11:15.

11:15. How did it
get so late so early?

I'd better be getting
home to, uh, Vera.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you know what they say:

"An early bird catches
the obsessive-compulsive."

'Night, Sam.

Oh, boy!

They sure took off
in a hurry, didn't they?

Yeah, but that doesn't seem
suspicious to you, does it?

No, I... I guess not.

Oh, hey, I have an idea.

You go in the back

and total these receipts,
and we'll get out of here.

Okay.

All right.

Say, Woody, when I
come back out here,

there's not going to be a
surprise for me, is there?

A surprise party, maybe?

No.

You're not lying, are you?

Sam, you'd know if I was lying.

I'd... I'd tell you.

Right. I'll, uh, I'll
be in my office.

All right.

Come on in, guys.

He doesn't suspect a thing.

Come on down, fellas.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Okay? In the words of
the immortal bard, "Party!"

Uh, Sam, you can go home now.

Surprise!

Wow!

Sam, you should have
seen the look on your face!

Ooh!

Hey!

All right!

Boy! Thanks, guys.

Yeah, man.

That last scene gave me new
respect for rowing machines.

I hear you, bud. Ooh!

Hey, you guys, oh! Thank you.

This has been fantastic.

I have to admit

that I used to think
that bachelor parties

were kind of embarrassing.

Get the lights!

Oh, God, not again...

Girl in there, right?

Well...

Just your type.

So make the obligatory
speech and have at her!

Yeah!

Oh, no, I can't do it.

I... you know...

No, I-I know you
went to a lot of trouble.

I'm sorry, but it just
wouldn't be right.

What? Come on,
Sammy. What is this?

Malone, King of the Road!

Better make hay, buddy.

After this, it is one woman

for the rest of
your life. Oh, boy.

Yeah...

I-I never really thought
about it in those terms before.

One woman for
the rest of my life.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I mean, she's... she's a...
she's a great woman, but, uh...

there's only one of her...

for the rest of my life.

But, you know, it'll go quickly.

Just go-go ahead, cut the cake.

Boy, it really makes you think.

You know, I've been a
bachelor a good long time.

I mean, a good lot of women.

Now there won't
be any more women.

Just woman.

One woman.

Yeah, but what a woman!

I mean, you know
what? I've got an idea.

Why don't we have some cake?

One perfume.

One set of earlobes.

Not, not even
sensitive earlobes.

One pair of lips
flapping in my ears...

day after day until I die.

Oh, my God!

Sammy, Sammy, that's great.

Look, we got a big,
wonderful cake here, you know,

with a... with a very
special surprise inside...

which just might spoil
if you don't shut up!

Uh... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What am I doing?

I mean, if I'm
going to tie myself

to the old ball and
chain, I might as well get

one last night of
freedom in here.

Okay, bring her out here.

Strap her on.

Come on.

Yeah!

Strap this on!

Sam, you should see
the look on your face!

Hi, guys.

Hey, Carla, how
was traffic school?

Eh, it was all right.

Yeah?

Well, don't all those
gory movies they show

kind of turn your stomach a bit?

Hey, Norm, you're forgetting...

I've seen Diane without makeup.

Hello, everyone.

Hi.

Hello, you.

Let me help you with that.

Well, all right.

Boy, you look fantastic, dear.

That is a great outfit on you.

Sam... Hmm?

You make a lousy sycophant.

Yes, but I make
a great margarita.

May I speak to you
in your office, please?

Sure, anything you
want. You betcha.

Oh, come on, smile.

For some reason,

I don't feel like smiling.

Did I ever tell you
how cute you are

when you're mad?

Come on, listen, snap
out of this, will you?

I mean, I-I didn't say
all that stuff last night

to hurt your feelings.

My feelings aren't hurt.

I just feel bad for you.

Sentenced to a life
with one perfume...

one set of insensitive earlobes,

one set of lips
flapping in your ear...

till you die.

Come on! I was
with a bunch of guys.

I mean, they forced
me to make a speech.

How the hell did I know
my fiancée was hiding

in the cake, taking dictation?

Did you mean it, Sam?

No.

See, it's just this...

this whole marriage thing's

kind of snuck up
on me, that's all.

I mean, I'm happy that
you're the only woman

I'll make love to again... ever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, but-but, you see...

I mean, if I had known

that the last one was
going to be the last one,

I-I-I would've
prepared myself for it.

Sweetheart, it's
kind of like popcorn.

Now, you-you can munch away

as long as you know
there's a bowlful,

but, you know,
if all of a sudden,

it's all gone, there's nothing
left but the salt and the duds,

well, you feel bad,
because if you'd known

the last kernel was the last
one, you would've savored it.

Am I making
myself clear on this?

Oh, yes, yes...

Oh. I'm salt and duds.

Well, I-I-I don't know. I...

I don't know what to say
to make this right, except...

I'm sorry.

Would 24 hours
of wild, uninhibited,

hedonistic sexual carousing
with anything in a tube top suffice?

In-in a-addition to
saying I'm sorry?

Sam, you can apologize
till the cows come home,

but it won't alleviate
the problem.

After much consideration,

I propose that you
go on a flesh binge.

Sow your wild oats.

Get it out of your system.

Savor your last
kernel of popcorn.

Are you serious?

Absolutely.

It's the only way we can
establish a clean slate.

No guilt, no
remorse, no regrets.

So...

dive into that little black
book of yours and enjoy.

Oh, you know,

I threw that dumb thing
away when we got engaged.

I'm sure you have one
or two numbers etched

in your memory.

You listen to me.

I'm only going to agree to do
this because I love you, Diane.

Well, don't do it for me, Sam.

Do it for the health
of our future marriage.

Right, right, right.

Uh, excuse me, uh...

when do my, uh, 24 hours begin?

Right now.

All right. The same as mine.

Okay. Wait, wait,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Yours?

Of course, Sam.

This is the only
way we can be sure

that I have all other
men out of my system.

No... no...

Sammy back yet?

Uh, well, uh,

"T" minus 30
minutes and counting.

I figure right about now,

Sammy's probably leaning
back in bed and smoking.

Oh, wait, I don't, uh, remember

ever seeing Sammy
smoke a cigarette.

Who said anything
about cigarettes?

Ho, the man!

All right!

Hey, what's the score, Sammy?

Oh, Norm, you know he's not
the kind of guy to kiss and tell...

not that he wastes much time
kissing, anyway, eh, compadre?

Yeah, you guys
know me, all right.

So, has anyone, uh...
anyone heard from Diane?

No, not a word. It's
been heaven. Ah.

Why? You worried about her?

No, I'm not worried.

Wha-What makes
you think I'm worried?

Uh, what time is it, anyway?

It's time for you
to stop worrying.

I mean, for God's sakes, Sammy,

who'd be stupid
enough to touch Diane?

Besides you.

Good point.

You know, uh, yeah, what
am I worried about here?

Oh, Rick, you
really came through.

Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!

Rick was kind enough
to drive me to work

when my car broke down.

I knew that.

I, uh...

I just wanted to give
him a thank-you shake.

Thank you, thank you.

Uh, maybe I'll, uh, take
a rain check on that drink.

Uh, good luck
with your marriage.

Yes. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you, Rick.

Well...

I guess I'll just, uh...

begin my shift.

Uh, yeah, like hell you will!

Sam? Now, Sam! Sam!

All right.

Where were you last night, hmm?

I was taking full
advantage of my 24 hours.

I looked into the
recesses of my heart,

and I realized
that I still had...

one oat that needed to be sown.

One fantastic oat.

Is that all you
think about... sex?

You know, it's disgusting!

Wh-Wh-Whatever happened
to romance, to commitment?

I mean, look at you!

Look at you... you haven't
even changed your dress!

I am wearing this dress
again because I like it.

It sets off my eyes.

Yeah, I'll set off your eyes.

You know...

You want know something?

I had the exact same
24 hours you did,

and I didn't do anything.

You know why?

Because I happen to
be a one-woman guy.

I mean, I mean,

I think we got something
special going here,

and I didn't want to cheapen
it, like somebody else

I could mention.

You-you know, people
could refer to you as a tart.

How can you say that?

Easy. Tart!

Tart, tart, tart, tart!

I mean, what-what else

do you call somebody
who didn't go home?

How do you know that?

Because I was idiot enough
to spend the entire night

watching your
apartment from my car,

and you did not go home.

Well, you must be exhausted.

Yeah, yeah, that's
right! I'm exhausted.

You're damned
right, I'm exhausted.

Oh, come on, Sam.

Now, you had a little
catnap around 6:00 a.m.

Did not.

How'd you know that?

Because I was down the street

in my car watching you watch me.

Oh, my God, you spied on me!

I mean, that stinks!

What... what hap...
what happened to faith?

What-what-what happened...
what happened to trust?

My God!

Sam!

I took a lover's leap of faith

in granting you
sexual carte blanche

for the past 24 hours!

And just as my heart suspected,

instead of gallivanting about,

you spent the whole
time spying on me.

I had one last night to go
out and have a great time,

and I blow it.

God, I'm a poor
excuse for a stud.

I don't know about that.

We still have
five minutes left...

in our deal.

Five minutes?

Mm-hmm.

Well, hell, somebody
should've told me that.

Damn it!

How long did you
say we have here?

Five minutes.

Not enough time.
Now, come on, Sam.

We'd better skip
to the good part.

No... come on.

We have to go to
work! Sam! Whoo!