Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 20 - Dinner at Eight-ish - full transcript

Frasier and Lilith announce that they are moving in together and as the instigators of the relationship, they invite Sam and Diane over as their first dinner guests. Just prior to Sam and Diane's arrival, the new couple analyze their relationship and who manipulated who into doing what, which starts an evening long argument. As Sam and Diane arrive, the evening goes on a roller coaster of emotions, the major downturn initiated by a secret revealed by Diane. Thus Diane becomes the third member embroiled in the emotional battle for the evening. The dip and the apartment main floor powder room play key roles in how those emotions manifest themselves. Frasier believes that he has the ultimate answer to the evening's problems.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, what're you
doing there, Norm?

Oh, Vera signed me
up to give a speech

at her Women's Auxiliary Club.

I hate public speaking.

Yeah, you're not
alone there, pal.

Well, it's awful, you know.

You're standing there

in front of a group
of total strangers...

palms sweating, your throat dry,

your mouth feels
like it's full of cotton.



Your knees practically buckling.

It can be a miserable
experience. I tell you.

So what's the topic?

"Poise: The Key to Success."

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪



♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Thanks, Mom. Yeah,
don't worry about it.

I'll find somebody
to sit for the kids.

Bye.

She can't do it?

She's scared to.

Oh, yeah, I'll, uh, watch
the kids for you, Carla.

It's not fair. This
always happens to me

when I have a date
on a weeknight.

Oh, who's the lucky guy?

My butcher.

Oh, yeah? What
happened to Eddie?

Eddie's in Vancouver.

My butcher's three blocks down.

Life is short.

I wouldn't mind, uh, looking
after your kids for you, Carla.

What am I gonna do now?

Well, I'd do it, but I'm
working on Wednesday.

Yeah.

Yeah, Vera and I would love to,

but, uh, we have this
thing Wednesday night.

Yeah, uh, Diane and I

have a thing, too. Yeah.

Maybe it's the same thing.

I don't think so. Probably not.

Oh, I'm, uh, I'm not
busy Wednesday.

Well, guess I'm gonna
have to cancel my date.

Well, is this a day to press in
your memory books or what?

Well, you guys
sound pretty chipper.

Shall I tell them, Lilith?

Out with it, or I'm liable
to burst with anticipation.

Doctors Sternin and Crane
are proud to announce

that they are now
officially POSSLQ's.

It means "Persons of the Opposite
Sex Sharing Living Quarters."

Yes.

Oh.

You see, it's a little, uh,
lovers' in-joke we picked up

from a Census Bureau acronym.

Oh, I love those.

Well, man, hey, that's great.

Congratulations. Yes, yes.

Thank you.

But this is... quite a surprise.

You've only known
each other a few months,

and you're moving in together?

That's pretty impetuous.

Well, a week ago, we decided
to take a chance on cohabitation,

but we waited a week
before announcing the news,

so as to avoid

putting any undue pressure

on the success or
failure of the endeavor.

And now we are pleased
to announce the effort

a limited success.

Yes, pretty darn impetuous.

Well, we thought
that the two of you

were responsible
for Lilith and I

finding each other in
this cockeyed world,

so, we, uh, we thought
we'd like to have you

over for dinner on Wednesday
night as our very first guests.

Aw. Why, we'd be honored.

Yeah, I'll be there.

Great. We'll get away

from the hurly-burly
of this place

and concentrate completely
on the lost art of conversation.

Hmm. I'll be there anyway.

All right,

Wednesday night it is
then. Oh, uh, shall we say,

oh, uh, what...

8:00-ish?

Wonderful.

You don't know how
happy this makes me.

So, you and Diane have this
thing Wednesday night, huh?

Well, why don't you
just come out and say it?

You don't want to spend an
evening alone with my kids.

We don't want to spend an
evening alone with your kids.

Neither do I.

But what choice do I have?

Well... Carla,

I think Cliff might be
interested in watching them.

Hey, hey,

what are you doing
Wednesday night?

Pumping iron.

Okay, Cliff, you're up.

Be at my house
Wednesday at 6:00.

But remember, you asked for it.

Here, come here. Here...

obviously, she doesn't think
that I can handle the kids, huh?

Yeah, but my guess is that,
uh, they'll settle down once

they're confronted with a
strong male authority figure.

Are you bringing your mom?

I'm home, sweet potato.

Just a moment, cinnamon bear.

How was your day?

Oh, I want to take
you now, by the dip.

You impulsive man.
We have guests coming.

Yes, I know.

It'll be our little
joke on them.

Every time they
say the word "dip,"

we'll become giddy
with remembrance.

The word itself will
become a syllable filled

with our overwhelming passion.

Dear, you're using sex to
express your aggression

toward the confines
of polite society.

Dip.

I love that.

What is that heavenly aroma
coming from the kitchen?

Dinner.

Oh, yes, of course, dinner.

Well, I'm sorry I'm
late, by the way. I got...

No explanation is necessary.

I know you far too well
to have expected you

to be on time tonight.

Oh, right.

Why is that?

Because I've learned that

a certain self-centered
insensitivity

is a fundamental part of
your psychological makeup.

And it only endears you to me.

I'm so glad you
shared that with me.

Of course you can't
know everything about me.

I mean, who would have thought
that I'd enjoy living with you,

but here we are.

You didn't expect to
enjoy living with me?

Well, you do have a...

uncompromising quality.

Mm.

A very attractive
one it is, though.

Well, if you were
hesitant, why do it?

That's the way you
arranged it, isn't it?

It was your idea.

Ah, yes, well,

you see, you're
forgetting the, uh,

passive-aggressive trick you
have of leading someone else

into doing something
that you want to do,

thereby absolving yourself

of responsibility.

And very adorable it
is, too, my little parsnip.

Why do you insist on
displaying your magazines

in that insipid
accordion design?

I'm sorry if this one little
touch of theatrical flair

is too much for
your retentive nature.

We'll go into my
retentive nature later.

For now, we have guests coming.

You know, I see what
you're trying to do here.

You want me to begin
the argument that you wish

you could start yourself.

Well, I will not do it.

If you want to have an
altercation, you will have to...

How could you be
late on a night like this?!

Didn't you know I'd be
nervous making my first dinner

in your house while your
stupid friends are looking at me

and judging my every move?

I'll never forgive you for this!

Never, never, never, never!

Just a minute!

Darling, I think that
was a real breakthrough.

So come out of the
bathroom, and after dinner,

we'll build on it.

But, our-our guests
are here now.

Dear heart?

Darling.

Coming! Coming!

Hi! Come in, come in!

I hope we're not early.

Oh, no, no, no, your
timing is just perfect.

Oh.

Boy, am I hungry.

Sam.

Well, I am.

So, where's your lovely POSSLQ?

Oh, she's around somewhere.

Peach blossom?

Don't make
yourself too beautiful.

I can hardly stand
to look at you now.

Come on... please
come out, darling.

Please.

What was that?

Oh, uh...

got something stuck
in her contact lens.

Oh, I hate that. Yeah.

Li-Listen, here,
come sit down, relax.

Uh, pour yourself
some wine, whatever.

Just, uh, make
yourselves comfortable.

Oh, oh, Diane, could you hand
me that cheese knife, please?

Thank you.

Uh, enjoy. I'll be right back.

What do you think you're doing?!

Might I have a little privacy?

We can resolve all this later,

but for now, these people may
be my friends, but they are not

the greatest
conversationalists in the world,

and I could use your help.

Good chips.

Lilith. Ah.

Welcome to our home.

I am so happy
for the both of you.

Yeah, absolutely.
Congratulations.

Yeah, that's great.

Love what you've done
with this place, man.

Oh, yes, I love

the masculine touches.

Thank you.

Say, that, uh, that
dip looks good.

Mmm.

Dip?

Yeah, the, uh, the dip.

Could you, uh, pass it, please?

Yes, of course.

Be my guest. Here you are.

Oh, thank you.

Oh...

Oh, yeah, that is great dip.

Mmm, here. Yeah, try it.

Mmm, delicious, Lilith.

Frasier, have you tried
some of Lilith's dip?

Yes, I-I have, yes.

Well, then I don't have
to tell you how good it is.

Mmm.

It's quite good.

Well, I don't mean
to hog it here.

Uh, you guys look hungry.

He-Help yourself.

So, Frasier,

was it good for you, too?

What the hell's in this dip?

Well...

may I propose a toast?

Mmm!

To your house.

Our house.

Hear, hear.

Yes.

♪ Our house ♪

Oh, I love that.

♪ Is a very, very,
very fine house ♪

♪ With two cats in the yard ♪

♪ Life used to be so hard ♪

♪ Now everything is
easy 'cause of you ♪

♪ And our... ♪

♪ Our house ♪

♪ Is a very, very,
very fine house ♪

♪ With two cats in the yard ♪

♪ Life used to be so hard ♪

♪ Now... ♪
Et cetera, et cetera.

You know what I love
about your relationship?

No.

You never seem to have
an unexpressed thought.

I've noticed that.

How do you maintain
that level of honesty?

Well, it's simple.

Frasier and I keep no
secrets from each other.

Oh, come on.

You don't mean to tell me

you tell each other everything.

Certainly. Exactly.

We've bared our
souls to each other.

Oh, now no guy's going to
tell his brand-new girlfriend

about all the women he...

You know.

Oh, but there must be
no secrets in that area.

That's where
honesty counts most.

Gee, you know, I-I'm afraid

I don't think that's
such a good idea.

You mean the two of
you, planning marriage,

haven't already
had this discussion?

Of course we have.

Well, Diane's told
us about both of hers,

and we're just about up to the
Johnson Administration on mine.

Uh, seriously, though, um,

I-I think that we're all
entitled to our little secrets.

Why?

They only lead to embarrassment

when they're
inevitably revealed.

Exactly.

I know I feel better

knowing that
Frasier has told you

he and I were once engaged,

so I don't have to worry

about you discovering it at
some inopportune moment.

Like now, for instance.

Dear...

dear, I thought I told you
that Diane and I used to date.

Date, yes.

That you had decided to marry

and spend the rest of
your life with her, no.

Semantics.

And why were you afraid
to tell me that one detail?

Because she still means

something to you, doesn't she?

She means absolutely
nothing to me.

I mean, if I notice her at all,
it's merely as an annoyance,

like a bug flying
around in a room.

Diane, Diane, be a dear.

Would you grab me the
cheese knife, please?

Frasier,

I'm sorry this happened,

but I think it would
be best for everyone

if you told her the truth.

Diane's right.

All right, all right.

Darling, I'm going to tell you

the whole truth.

Out with it.

All right, uh,

Diane and I were engaged
to be married and...

she left me at the altar.

The whole experience
was so... humiliating,

I-I-I've just been trying
to forget it ever since.

Your feelings for
her were genuine?

Yes.

And it's only on
account of her action

that you're not married to her

at this very moment?

Well, I-I never really
looked at it that way.

And if Sam were
out of the picture,

you'd throw me over and
run back to her, wouldn't you?

I don't love her anymore.

You switch your passions

on and off very
quickly, Dr. Crane.

I do not!

Then you do still love her!

Well, I never did!

You were going to marry her!

Well, maybe I just
thought I loved her!

How do I know you don't
just think you love me?

Well, I don't.

I mean, I-I
didn't... I-I never...

I will not be grilled
like a common criminal!

Cheese knife?

All right, thank you
very much. Bye.

Ordering another round
for the corner table, honey.

All right, Corinne.

Now listen, uh, thanks a lot
for subbin' on such short notice.

Hey, this is my life.

It shouldn't, uh, it
shouldn't be so bad.

You know, it's not really
very crowded tonight.

That's what you
said the last time.

When I got home,

my can was dragging
this far off the ground.

Thanks for sharing
that with us, Corinne.

Well, that was Carla's daughter.

She said that, uh, the kids

are going to drop
off Mr. Clavin.

All right. All right.

I don't think her kids
are old enough to drive.

What was that?

Cliff! Cliff!

Cliff, Cliff buddy,
are you all right?

Wait, there's a note.

"Don't open until Christmas."

Aw, shoot.

Now look here, Lilith,
you needn't worry

about Frasier
carrying a torch for me.

I assure you

he feels nothing but
resentment toward me.

He knows I was using him

to forget the real
love I felt, and feel,

for Sam here.

Is there any more Chex Mix?

You see, Sam is my real love.

I'm ashamed to say that Frasier

was a convenient
dalliance on my part,

at a time when I needed someone,

anyone.

I'm sorry it was him.

So, essentially,
Frasier was a toy

you played with briefly
and then threw away.

Well, it wasn't that bad.

A fellow human being,

whose emotions you twisted
for your own satisfaction,

with no consideration
for his feelings.

Frasier had some fun.

We would speak nothing
but French on Sundays.

I heard it all.

How could I have been so blind?

Don't blame yourself.

That's right.

You can't blame anyone
in these situations.

He can blame you.

Now look here.

Our relationship
was a two-way street.

Yes, and I was run
over in both directions.

Oh, Frasier, you had fun.

Diane, I never
had a whit of fun,

especially on Sundays.

And the only thing
more egregious

than your French
pronunciation is your syntax.

Dinner, everyone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

Come on, this whole thing
has gone on too far here.

Hey, listen up.

This is what happens
when you open old wounds.

I mean, I don't know

what happened between
Frasier and Diane,

but it seems to me
they had a little fun,

but they just weren't
right for each other.

But now that they've
found somebody

that, uh, is right for them,

I-I think you both should
be happy for each other.

And leave it at that.

Oh.

Je regrette, mes amis.

I'm sorry, too, Diane.

I don't know what came over me.

Diane, can you forgive me?

Oh, I'm the one who's sorry.

And happy for both of you.

Thank you.

And thank you, Sam.

Yes. Mmm, well, I just
thought it went on long enough.

Besides, I-I have to
use the bathroom here.

Would anyone like
some more lasagna?

No, thank you.

I think we've had our fill.

Fine, then I'll
just get the coffee.

Lasagna?

I wasn't even thinking Italian.

Well, I was closest.

I said something with meat.

That will be all then, Jill.

You can come by and
clean up in the morning.

Thank you, Dr. Sternin.

You mean you had
someone back there

helping you with this?

With the side dishes, yes.

But at the risk of
sounding immodest,

I have to take credit
for the lasagna myself.

Oh, well.

Well, bravo.

Well, shall we adjourn
to the living room

for some coffee?

Nice.

Oh, may I propose another toast?

Why stop at seven? Hah.

Well,

we have all learned a
valuable lesson this evening.

We shouldn't be
frightened of the past,

or of any affairs

our lovers have had. Indeed,

we should be grateful
for those past experiences

because they've made him or her

the person we love today.

Hear, hear.

Well said.

Oh, hey, let me, uh, fill some
of these wine glasses here.

Good night, Dr. Sternin.

Good night.

Oh, Sam Malone!

Oh, you beautiful man!

Where have you
been keeping yourself?

Hey, Jill, how the
hell you been, huh?

Great, just great.

Well, you still doing massage?

Just the way you like 'em.

Who is this, Sam?

Uh, you know, it's
gettin' kinda late.

Maybe you oughta take off.

Bye-bye.

Huh!

Why is it

that we cannot go to
one, single, solitary place

in the entire city of Boston

without running into some
woman that you've had a fling with?

Oh, come on, you're
exaggerating here.

Mm-hmm. At the
market, at the movies,

when we got our blood
test, for heaven's sake.

Well, what're we
supposed to do, move?

I mean, come on.

Excuse me.

Oh, now, don't,
no, don't-don't go...

What-what're you so upset about?

I wasn't even dating you
when I went out with Jill.

That's when you
were living with Frasier.

She lived with you?

Well, only briefly. Uh...

You said you'd never
lived with anyone but me!

Yeah, open... that's right.

What are you doing?

I should have
thought of this earlier.

Yeah.

What was that?

Frasier, what are you doing?

Frasier, the door
seems to be jammed.

Frasier?

Sam, open the door.

Macanudo?

Oh!

Frasier! Don't mind if I do.

Thank you. Open the door.

You know, I don't
think I can stand

this caterwauling in here.

Why don't we go upstairs.

I've got all 13 episodes
of I, Claudius on tape.

Great. Man, I love
gladiator flicks.

Frasier, we are not amused!