Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 13 - Chambers vs. Malone - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, fellas, do me a favor.

You guys have had a few drinks.

Sit down. Let me
buy you some coffee.

Aw, th-thanks anyway, Sam,

but everything's under control.

Pete hasn't had a
thing to drink all night.

He's our designated driver.

Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
That's a good idea, Pete.

I'm not the designated driver.

I thought you were.



No, no, I-I'm not the
designated driver.

What about you, Mark?

I'm with Sam. I think we
ought to try it sometime.

Wait right here. I'm
gonna call you a cab.

Speaking of driving
someone home,

since you've been drinking,
I'd be happy to give you a lift.

Oh, thanks, but, uh,

all I've been drinking
is soda water.

Oh.

Well, in that case, Woody,
make me a double martini.

One of us is getting
driven home tonight.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪



♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

How are you today, Mr. Peterson?

Never been better, Woody.

You know, just once
I'd like to be better.

What's the matter there, Normie?

You look a little, uh,
down in the mouth, huh?

I don't know, Cliff.

There's something
missing from my life, I think.

I mean, sure, I got, you know,

the nice wife, uh,
career, a house, but...

I guess I'm talking about
that spiritual something

that can kind of give it
all meaning, you know?

Enable me to be at peace

with myself and the world.

Uh, The Miss Teeny Bikini
Beauty Pageant's on tonight.

Well, that ought to do it.

♪ Da dum la de da dum... ♪

♪ La de da dum... ♪

Oh, isn't it a glorious day?

Well, it sure is, Miss Chambers.

Especially if you like
it cloudy and damp.

Woody, I'm not talking about

superficial things,
like the weather.

I'm talking about the day.

Today is going to be the
most special day of my life.

Do you believe in intuition?

No.

But I have this strange
feeling that someday I will.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Sammy!

What's the matter?

You got a weird
look on your face.

I don't know if I
should tell you.

Well, let me help you out.

Don't.

Well, Sam,

this morning I woke up with

the most overwhelming feeling

that you would
propose to me today.

Whew. Talk about fate.
Talk about coincidence.

You have the same feeling?

No, I just wish you'd talk
about fate or coincidence.

Anything but marriage.

Look, I am not gonna
propose to you, Diane.

I know this sounds crazy.

It's not like me to be
given to mystical nonsense,

but the feeling is so strong.

It's an absolute certainty.

Well, if it's fate, it's fate.

Diane,

will you do me the honor of

becoming my w-w-waitress?

Pretty good, huh?

Sam, will you give
me a Cutty rocks?

Did you hear that?

Diane said she woke up

with this feeling that
I'm gonna propose to her.

The stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

Don't ever

make fun of a woman when

she says she has a
feeling about something.

Sammy,

you're tampering with
the psychic world here,

and you're gonna be sorry.

Oh, come on.

No, no, no, I'm serious.

It has to do with
a woman's cycle.

See, somehow it's plugged
into the supernatural.

Oh, you're being ridiculous.

No, no, Sammy, please.
Come here. Please.

What? Just promise me

you'll be careful.

Okay, I'll be careful.

Thank you.

Oh, oh, oh, my God!

What? Ooh!

What?

Something's happened
to me here. What?

Carla, get Diane over here.

I'm gonna ask her to
marry me... buddy Norm!

Oh!

That's twice, man.

Hey, there, Sammy!
Today's my big day!

All right, Tom.

Will you marry me?

The results of the last
bar exam are due out,

and I'm feeling lucky.

Hey, you know what they
say, eleventh time's the charm.

Okay, okay, okay, I had a
few problems in the past.

But this time, I
really nailed it.

Tell me, Tom, is the
7-11 still giving out

a free Big Gulp with
every, uh, law degree?

Hey, Tom, how come
you're not downtown

waiting for the
old results, huh?

I got a friend calling me
here when they're posted.

But I got a hunch I
did pretty well this time.

Yeah, like General
Custer had a hunch that

the Little Big Horn was a gift
shop and picnic grounds, huh?

Hey, hey, lay off.

The guy's worked hard.

Woody,

how about a beer for our
future barrister here? Okay?

Thank you, Norm. All right.

So what, uh, what kind of law

are you gonna
specialize in there, Tom?

Specialize?

So a free Big
Gulp, you say, huh?

Sam, it doesn't have
to be a formal proposal.

Excuse me?

Well, we've already
gone the traditional route,

and I know how you
loathe long sentences.

I know you think I'm
gonna propose to you.

But, trust me, it's
not gonna happen.

Before I ask you
to marry me, Diane,

there'll be snowflakes
in hell, pigs will fly,

Norm will hate beer...

Hey, everybody, I'm an attorney!

Nah.

Thank you, Barbara G. Bridleton,

Miss Teeny Bikini, South Dakota.

Well, that's it.

I think Miss Arkansas
has got it hands down.

In your hat, Miss Arkansas.

Miss Nebraska's
the class of this field.

Oh, yeah, Miss Nebraska.

I was particularly impressed
by her life's ambition

to work for world peace and
open an aerobics dance studio.

Now, wait a minute.
Look at this one here.

Ooh, yeah.

Not that often you see an
impression of Edward G. Robinson

while twirling a baton.

Hey, Woody, Miss Indiana.

Yeah, but Boston's my home now.

♪ Dum dum da da da da da ♪

♪ De da da da de. ♪

Anytime you're ready, Sam.

Gee, I'd love to
propose to you, Diane,

but I'm tied up kind of
for the rest of my life.

Deep down inside,

you know this is
going to happen.

You're going to propose to me.

You say that every day.

But I don't say this every day.

It's today.

That is one scary woman.

Sammy, come on. It's
late. It's time to go home.

It's my turn to lock up.

Besides, you look
tired. You need your rest.

And you might do something
stupid that you'll regret

for the rest of
your life. Go on.

Would you relax, please?

Do I look like a guy who's
about to do something stupid?

Always.

That's not the point, Sam.

Leave me alone, will ya?

Guys, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna lock up now.

Yeah, all right, Sammy.

We can watch the
rest of this meat show

over at Normie's house.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Vera won't let me watch those,
uh, beauty contests, Cliffie.

Yeah? How come?

Well, she... she's says
they're degrading to women

and they make me
randy as a jackrabbit.

Woody,

you go on home.
I'll finish up here.

I want to be alone with Sam.

Run, Sam, run!

Diane, don't you think...

You know, on second thought,
guys, why don't you take off?

I'd like to have

a little private moment
here with Diane.

That's it! It is all over!

Now...

I don't have the
strength to fight anymore.

All chance of victory is gone.

The only thing for
me now is to go home,

pick up the pieces
of my shattered life,

and try to go on.

Good night, Miss Chambers.

And, uh, good luck.

Oh, thanks, Woody.

But since Sam and I are
destined to be married,

luck is the one
thing we don't need.

Oh.

Well, how about a salad bowl?

Yes, that would be nice.

Great. You saved
me some shopping.

Good night, Woody.

Good night, Sammy.

Good night, Woody.

Well, Sam, you clever boy.

Since you've arranged
for us to be alone,

I'm all ears.

But you better hurry.
Almost midnight.

I wanted to talk to you alone

'cause I didn't want
to embarrass you in...

in front of the other people.

Sit down, will you, please?

Look, Diane...

I want you to stop this nonsense
about me proposing to you.

About us being married.

About us getting...
about us period.

I've had it. That's it.

I don't want to hear any more.

Yes, Sam, fine, fine,

but you really
should get at it, okay?

Would you stop it, please?

Man, you're making me nuts!

This is exactly what
I'm talking about!

You know, all right,
it was fun for a while,

like a little game, but
it's not cute anymore.

It's serious, Diane.

You know, I-I was really

ticked off at first when
you turned me down.

But now I see how
smart you were.

I am never gonna ask
you to marry me again.

Can I be any more
clear than this?

I'm never gonna ask
you to marry me again.

Oh, no, oh, no, no,
come on, Oh, no, no!

No, no, no, no, stop that!

Listen, you know how much

I hate it when you cry.

But I know you know, so
it's not gonna work. Forget it.

This really hadn't
occurred to me...

but I guess it's
actually a possibility.

I'm not listening. Uh-uh.

Maybe you don't love me.

God in heaven,
it's not possible!

Nothing! That's it!

It's not affecting me at all.

I'm immune to this stuff.

Yeah, you're not
gonna soften me up.

No way. That's it.

You know, it's not gonna
make me feel sorry for you.

In fact, I'll tell you what
it's gonna make me do.

You want to know what
it's gonna make me do?

I'm gonna tell you what
it's gonna make me do.

It's gonna make me propose
to you, is what it's gonna do.

Oh, come on, don't... don't cry.

Oh, Diane,

will you marry me?

No, Sam.

The Lord is my
Shepherd; I shall not want.

In verdant pastures,
He gives me repose.

Beside restful
waters, He leads me.

He refreshes my soul...

Oh, Warden, have you
heard from the governor yet?

I'm sorry, Sam.

Oh, well.

He maketh me lie
down in green pastures;

He leadeth me
beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul;

He leadeth me
in the paths of ri...

Father, do you really
believe in the afterlife?

Yes, my son, I do.

Well, good.

Maybe I can find her
there, and... get her again!

Mmm-mmm! Ooh!

What's wrong?

Mmm. Oh...

I just had a flash

that I got the electric
chair for killing you.

Well, that's silly.

Massachusetts doesn't
have the death penalty.

What?

Uh...

Nothing. Nothing at all.

No death penalty, huh?

No, not at present,

but I'm-I'm sure they're...
going to reinstate it.

In fact, I'm on my way to...

campaign for it at
this very moment.

Excuse me.

Hey, everybody, you're
not going to believe this.

Well, you passed the bar.

I'll believe anything.

Yeah? Well, Sam's
in jail, smarty pants.

What? Yeah.

Diane had him arrested
for assault and battery.

My hero.

Is Diane all right?

I think she's fine.

I just don't have
all the details.

Well, how do you
know all this stuff?

Sam called me

to retain my services.

Oh, to do what, prune his trees?

Has he been arraigned yet?

No, 2:00.

Well, maybe

we ought to go down
to the courthouse

in case Sammy needs
character witnesses.

No, they don't do that
until the trial, Carla.

Well, what sort of
defense you plan on using?

I'm thinking about
pleading insanity.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

What about Sammy?

Bail is set at $2,500.

Next case.

Your Honor, I swear
I never touched her.

Take a seat.

Case number one
five seven eight six...

The Commonwealth
of Massachusetts

versus Sam Malone.

Defendant is charged

with willful assault...

Oh, what is this?

I swear I never laid a
hand on her, Your Honor.

Mr. Malone...

I'm sorry, Your Honor.
Just take a seat, Miss...

Chambers. Thank you.

The defendant is charged

with willful assault and battery

against the person of
one Diane Chambers.

How does the defendant plead?

Not guilty.

Motions, gentlemen.

Your Honor,

due to the violent
circumstances of this crime,

and in order to
protect the victim

from a reoccurrence of
the events of evening last,

the State recommends
that bail be set at an amount

commensurate with the
serious nature of this offense.

Motion denied.

Hey! I'm the one that's

supposed to say that.

Right, right.

Sorry, Your Honor,
uh, it's my first case.

You're kidding!

Your Honor, my client, uh,

has no prior
convictions or arrests.

A well-known businessman

and respected member
of this community.

I therefore move
that bail be waived

and he be released on
his own recognizance.

I don't think Mr. Malone poses

any general threat to
the community; so moved.

All right!

Sorry, Your Honor.

Trial is set for two months
from this date at 10:00 a.m.

All right, everybody,
it's been a long day.

This court will reconvene
tomorrow morning.

Your Honor?

Yes, Miss, uh... Chambers?

Would it be all right

if I said something
at this time?

I don't think that's
really necessary.

I think it might help
to expedite matters.

Well, if you must,
but please be brief.

Oh, geez...!

Your Honor, I just
want you to know...

Should I come up there?

Why not?

Your Honor, I, I just
want you to know

that I understand
why the accused...

And, by the way, the
man I intend to marry...

Was, uh,

was upset last night.

After all, I did just turn down

his proposal of marriage.

I see. But if you
intend to marry him,

why did you say
no to his proposal?

It's a long story.

Make it a short one,

and maybe we can save the
good people of Massachusetts

the cost of a trial.

Well, let's see.

Um, the accused and I

have been going together

on and off for about four years.

I guess you could
describe our relationship

as a bit stormy,

but that's also part
of its excitement.

Earlier this year,

the accused proposed to me.

I said no

because I thought

he was on the rebound
from another relationship.

I was wrong,

so I changed my mind.

But he wouldn't propose to
me again, the little dickens.

Until last night, that is,

but this time I fear...

he was only asking
me to marry him

because I was
crying and upset...

albeit unintentional.

It was emotional
blackmail on my part.

I couldn't say yes

under those circumstances.

You do understand,

don't you, Your Honor?

I'm sorry, I was
just trying to imagine

the long version of the story.

Although... gallant,

his proposal

couldn't have been sincere.

The accused was
merely respons...

Hey, will you say my na...
Sam, my name is Sam.

Make her say my
name, will you please?

Calm down, Mr. Malone.

Go on, Miss Chambers.

Well, the next thing
I know, the acc...

Sam is chasing me
down the street...

For six blocks, to be exact...

Until I tripped and fell...

thus sustaining my injuries,

a bruised thigh and
a wrenched neck.

Did he hit you or
push you in any way?

Well, no.

Not exactly.

Look, Miss Chambers,

it doesn't appear
that Mr. Malone

is directly responsible
for your injuries.

Now, is there any way
I could persuade you

to drop the charges against him?

I have a solution, if
it pleases the court.

If you can get us out of this,
it absolutely thrills the court.

What if my client
proposes to her again?

Yes, I could alwa...

Are you crazy?!

I like the idea.

Does the State have any
objections to his proposing?

None, Your Honor.

How about it, Miss Chambers?

This all right with you?

I suppose it would be all right
if it were a sincere proposal.

Well, I guess it's your
move, Mr. Malone.

You mean, I have
to propose to her

to keep from going to jail

where I wouldn't be
going in the first place

if she'd said yes to any
one of my three proposals?

That's a very ironic
way of putting it.

Now, which is it going to
be, a wedding or a trial?

How long would I
have to be in jail?

Diane, will you marry me?

That didn't sound very sincere.

I ask the court, did
that sound sincere?

No, it didn't.

Try again.

Y-You, you have no idea
what you're sentencing me to.

Mr. Malone, come up here
and let's get this over with.

Diane...

will you marry me?

Okay.

Case dismissed.

Congratulations.

All rise.

What do you know?

I got you off!

Thank you, Tom. Yeah,

Yeah, all in a day's
work, Sammy, my boy.

You're looking at
Thomas Babson, Esquire...

undefeated.

Oh, Tom?

Uh, if you got any
time next week,

my trees need pruning.

How about Saturday?
Be fine; thanks.

Well,

guess I don't need
this for a while.

Sam... I'm sorry.

I guess I got a
little carried away.

I wanted to expose
our relationship

to the scrutiny of the court.

God knows I've
tried to figure it out.

I'm at a complete loss.

Oh, it makes
perfect sense to me.

You want me to propose
to you. I propose to you.

You say no, I say fine, I
never want to see you again.

You drive me nuts

telling me you want
me to propose again.

I do, you turn me down.

Next thing I know,
I'm in a court of law

where I've got to propose
to you or I'll go to jail.

It's the classic
American love story.

That's pretty absurd.

Well, don't worry.

I'm not going to hold
you to that proposal.

I know it was made

under duress.

Bye, Sam.

Where are you going?

You know, you're not
going to get off that easy.

No, you're going to pay
for what you put me through.

What do you mean?

I proposed to you, you said yes.

Now, they can stop
me from killing you,

but they can't stop
me from marrying you.

Oh, Sam!