Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 14 - Diamond Sam - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Here's something about
a show of impressionists

coming to Boston this fall.

Well, why wait?

I do one that'll
knock your socks off.

He's talkin' about
French painters, doofus.

Yeah? Well, so am I.

Yeah, I do a great Cezanne.

Get outta here.
No, I do. Watch this.

Hosey, posey, life is perfect.

Hey, ya better smile



when ya say that, Pilgrim.

Now, now, now, now,

just a-just a darned
second there, young fella.

Okay, okay, I got
one. Watch this.

Hey, fellers.

I believe we might
be in for just a little rain

before this day's over.

Woody, who is that?

It's Dwight Womack,
mayor of Hanover, Indiana.

No, Woody, Woody,
when you do impressions,

you gotta do impressions
of famous people.

Well, if I could do
somebody famous,

why would I be doin'
Dwight Womack?

Yeah, good point.



Yeah, he's got a point.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, everybody.

Sam?

This is our first time
back in Cheers since,

you know, yesterday.

Don't you think we should
announce our engagement?

Oh. All right. Okay.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Oh, no, no, you do it.

You're the man.

All right, listen up, everybody.

I have an announcement
to make here.

Uh, Diane and I decided to...

Oh, Sam,

what are you going to say?

Well, I was just
going to tell them...

I see.

Well, what do you
want me to say?

Oh, come on, Diane, nobody
knows who the Lunts are.

Due to our desire to be... what?

Conjoined. Conjoined, uh...

hey, well, Diane and I, uh,

would like you to,
uh, celebrate with us

by, uh, toasting our nuptials.

Ouch.

No, no, Woody, it's, uh...

What Sam so eloquently
expressed was that he and I

have officially become
engaged to be married.

How about that Al, huh?

Oh, marriage, Sam.

I thought you'd said
you'd never marry Diane.

Well, I-I never, uh,
said that exactly.

No, no, I think the exact
words were "I'd rather have

every hair on my body
pulled out simultaneously."

Well, that-that's
just an expression.

I mean...

No, seriously, you know,

we all knew it was going
to happen sooner or later.

I just thought I'd
get it over with.

Well, Diane, Sam,
congratulations to both of you.

Diane, I hope you're planning

to stay for the entire
ceremony this time.

Ours was...

Ours was very
touching, I thought.

Well, another one bites
the matrimonial dust.

I guess that leaves
only one stud

to satisfy all the
babes in this bar.

Yeah, I can handle it, too.

Hi.

I bet you never thought
you'd see the day, huh?

Nice shirt, Sam.

Is it new?

No, it's not. It, uh...

Did you hear
what I said up there

about me and Diane
getting engaged?

The beer distributor called.

He wants to know
if he can change

the delivery day to Wednesday.

Carla,

I know that we haven't
always seen eye-to-eye,

but you could at
least wish us well.

I need a draft.

Fascinating.

She's experiencing denial.

What's that mean, Dr. Crane?

Well, simply put, it
means that the human mind

blocks out that which it
cannot emotionally accept.

What's that mean, Dr. Crane?

It means that you
don't understand this,

and you never will.

Oh.

I think perhaps I should get
personally involved in this.

After all, Carla
is a good friend.

I think I could help her

alleviate her suffering.

Besides, there's
nothing good on TV.

So I don't see any ring here.

What gives, you guys, huh?

Well, we're doing a little
window shopping. Yeah?

But she's got her eye
on a big ol' diamond

in the window of, uh,
Barton and Lyles. Yeah?

Oh, no, no, Sam.

Now that's much too expensive.

I would be content with any one

of the smaller
stones we saw today.

Oh, now wait a second.

Hey, Woody, give me
the phone there, will ya?

Listen, you might as
well have the best ring.

You got the best husband.

Hmm?

Is it any wonder I love you?

I'm twice blessed.

I'm getting the
most wonderful guy

and one helluva rock.

Yeah, let me,
uh, let me find out

just how much
this thing is here.

Yeah, find out there, Sammy.

Hi, uh, you got a ring in the
window there by the door?

It's a big diamond

with two little diamonds
on either side there.

Yeah, uh, that's the one.

Yeah, how-how
much does that cost?

How much?

Fifty-two hundred.

Boy, what am I going to do here?

Bruce. What?

Friend of mine in
the jewelry business.

He buys diamonds
and gold wholesale

and then you don't
have to pay the markup,

which is like a zillion percent.

Oh, you know, that-that's
kinda silly. No, no.

It's the same gold,
same diamonds.

Well, if it's the same
ring, it's the same ring.

Absolutely.

Give me the phone. All right.

Yeah, I'll call the
guy. Yeah, do it, do it.

Uh, Sam, I don't think
that's a good idea.

Why not?

Diane's not the kind of
woman who'd like to find out

that her ring was
bought from a jeweler

who begins every
transaction with, "Psst, buddy."

Oh, no, you make...

you're makin' it
sound worse than it is.

I mean, I'm sure
everything's legit.

All right, fine, Bruce. Great.

Psst, Sammy, come here.

Dee-daa. Huh?

Not bad for 1,200 bucks, huh?

Wow, I'll say.

Hey, Carla, you,
uh, see the ring

that Sammy got for Diane here?

You know, I'm thinking

about having my
house texture-coated.

You have your choice
of 24 decorator colors.

Amazing.

Yeah, and
surprisingly reasonable.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, you guys, you
want to see a classic?

Here, watch.

Hi, Diane. Hi, Sam.

Oh boy, hey, you know,

that finger looks
a little warm there.

Maybe you should cool
it down with some ice.

Sam.

What? What? What's
the matter? What's wrong?

Nothing.

It's beautiful.

Oh. Oh.

Just think, hours ago,

I was admiring this
magnificent ring in the window,

thinking it was an
unattainable treasure.

And now, here
it is on my finger.

Yep, there it is, all right.

That's the one.

How about that, huh?

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Well, yeah...

Thank you. Yeah.

You're welcome.

Hey, uh, Carla, do you realize

that when Sammy
and Diane get married,

uh, Diane's going
to be your boss?

Nice shirt, Norm. Is it new?

Sam...

I felt that I couldn't
possibly ask you for this,

but now that you've
actually gone out

and purchased
it, I can tell you.

This is the only
ring I ever wanted.

Mmm.

Where's the box?

Box?

Yeah, you know,
the one it came in.

Oh, yeah, uh...

this, this one
didn't seem to come

with one of those, did it?

Really?

Oh, I'm surprised they
didn't give you one,

especially considering how
much this must have cost.

Oh, well, they did, they did.

It's just that I told
them, uh, keep the box.

She'll just wear it.

That's what I said, all right.

Sam?

Yeah.

This may sound frivolous,

but every woman
wants to keep the box

that her engagement
ring came in.

I already have a space reserved
for it in my memento drawer,

right between my French
Club pin and my retainer.

All right, all right.

I mean, fine, honey,

I'll just, uh, go on,

go back, and,
uh... I'll get the box.

Uh, don't forget your
receipt there, Sammy.

Ah, they'll probably
remember your face.

You can relax, everybody.

Got the box.

All right, Sammy.

They just, uh,
gave it to ya, huh?

No, no, I had to buy something.

Oh, yeah?

Wha, wha, what'd you get?

Sterling silver corncob holders.

290 bucks.

Do you believe that?

Wow. Why'd you buy those things?

Well, everything else
seemed like such a rip-off.

I'm still way ahead,
though. It's okay.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Think about it.

Oh, Sam, there you are.

Yeah, and here you
are, my little darling.

One ring box, just your size.

How 'bout that, huh?

You happy?

Delirious.

Oh, good.

I just wish I'd gone with you

when you went back
to Barton and Lyles.

I want to buy myself that dress.

Oh, which dress is that?

The one in the window.

Right next door in
Justine's window.

Don't you remember?

I was admiring it
as we walked by.

Oh, sure, sure, sure, yeah.

Yeah... oh, it's perfect.

I'd love it.

Well, you know,
it's kinda slack now.

Why don't ya take off?

Do a little shopping.

Really? Yeah, go ahead.

Oh, Sam. Uh.

I'll get my purse.

All right.

So, uh, Sammy...

when Diane sees the ring

in the window of the fancy store

and also on her finger,

what do you think she'll say?

Well, I'm off.

Uh, no, Diane, uh,
wait a second here.

Uh, I can't...

I can't let you go
through with this.

What?

Well, uh, I, I bought

that dress for ya.

Sam Malone...

Yeah.

I don't believe you.

No, it's a fact.

It's in my car right up there.

Oh, you scamp.

Oh, go get it, please.

Uh, you know, I...

I was kinda hopin'
to surprise you with it.

Well, I already
know about it now.

Right.

What am I standin'
here for then, huh?

Oh...

Say, you know, that's, uh...

that was such an
interesting dress.

How would you
describe that color?

Pink.

Pink! Right.

You always know
the perfect word.

Pink.

Who woulda thought?

I wonder what's keeping Sam.

He's certainly been
gone a long time.

Where is Sam?

"Where is Sam?"

I think she's starting to relate
to her environment again.

Well, I think we've
made great progress.

Carla,

can you tell me who Sam is?

Of course. He's my boss.

Did you know that he is
now engaged to be married?

Yes. I'm very happy for him.

See how well we've done?

Carla...

who is the charming soul
that has agreed to marry him?

Norm.

Well, I'm not the
miracle worker.

Here we go.

The one you wanted
and, uh, three more.

Oh, Sam!

What?

You impetuous
fool. Oh, I love them.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

Uh-huh. Wait a minute.

You were gone an
awfully long time.

I thought you were
just going to your car.

Well, I got a-a parking ticket,

and I, uh, I wanted
to fight it in court.

Do I, uh, detect a
snafu there, Sammy?

Every damn dress in
the window was pink.

Oh, boy, that must have,
uh, cost you a pretty penny.

That's all right.

I'll get some of it back.

She couldn't possibly
like all four of them.

Oh, Sam, I love all of them.

I can't decide which one
to wear tonight to dinner.

Oh, go... oh, boy, uh, right.

What did we say, uh, 7:00?

Oh, could we
make it a little later?

I have to stop by the store
to get the ring appraised.

Pardon me?

The insurance man said

that there has to be
an appraisal on file

in order to have this
covered in my theft policy.

Boy, they, uh... they don't
make it easy, do they?

Uh, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you, uh,
let me handle that?

I'll have it appraised.

Uh, why... yeah, why
don't you give me the ring?

Oh, no, Sam!

Just as our love is
forever, so is this ring.

From here on out,

it will never leave my finger.

Beautiful.

That's really beautiful.

Woody, you want to get
me some aspirin there?

Sam, I think this
has gone too far.

You're caught in a
quagmire of deceit.

You're just going to
sink deeper and deeper,

and to what avail?

To my butt's avail.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe I should just...

bite the bullet and
be honest with her.

I mean, I really want
this relationship to work.

We do, too, Sammy.

Uh, Diane?

Yes.

I, uh, I have something
I want to say to you.

Uh, I'm afraid you're
not going to like it.

After receiving this...

beautiful symbol
of our relationship...

A symbol that has
touched me very deeply...

Nothing you say could
ever disappoint me.

What is it?

I have to go to the doctor.

What for? No, it's
nothing serious.

It's, uh...

I just figured that, you know,

we-we're getting married.

Uh, I might as well
have a check-up

and make sure the old
Evinrude's still cranking.

I don't see any
cause for alarm in that.

No.

In fact, I think
it's quite sensible.

Good, good.

I love the dresses.

Oh, me, too.

Thanks so much.

Lovely.

So, uh, what now, Kemo Sammy?

It's no problem.
It's no problem.

I'll just, uh... I'll go
back to the store

and I'll... I'll handle it.

Tell you, though...
no way in the world

am I going to buy
that expensive ring.

The ring is bought. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you shelled out

for the ring in the window,
didn't you, Sammy?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I got a real
interesting price on it.

Full price?

Right around there, yeah.

As soon as I switch this one
for the... ring on her finger,

my problems are over.

Oh, Sam, what
did the doctor say?

Same thing he
always does: "Wow!"

But you're fine, yes?

Oh, yeah, no problem there.

No, uh...

You know, actually,
I-I was sitting

in the, uh, waiting room there,

and I, uh, realized that, uh,

I had never officially put

that ring on your
finger, and I'd...

well, I'd kind of like to.

Sam, you're just
sweeping me off my feet.

Um, okay, well,
uh, close your eyes.

Why?

Uh, well, there, uh...

there-there's something
I want to say to you,

and, uh, I might get embarrassed

if-if you saw me... say it.

Okay.

All right. I can't
wait to hear this.

Right...

Diane... you're really neat.

I think this big
step we've taken

has made you positively goofy.

Well, maybe it has.

That's me... just one big goof.

Yeah, they, uh... they
haven't found a chick

that can outsmart me.

All right, Sammy.

Did he say "chick" or "chimp"?

Cheers.

Uh, no, I'm sorry.

Norman is
uncharacteristically absent.

May I... take a message for him?

Uh-huh.

Bruce wants to
know about the ring?

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh...

Yes, I think it's safe to say

that Sam's fiancée was
completely fooled by it.

Boy, I'm starved.

I hear it's a great restaurant.

You're quite the little
chatterbox tonight.

Oh, you want me to talk?

Well, it's not necessary.

Fine, I'll talk.

I don't appreciate

being given junk jewelry

and then lied to about it.

Oh, now, wait a second,
that is not junk jewelry, Diane.

Oh, Sam, please, no more lies.

How could you pledge

your troth with a paste ring?

Oh, that is not a paste ring!

All right, all
right, there was...

there was another ring.

I... but I switched it

for the one in the window.

I swear to God I did, Diane!

Oh, please, don't
bother swearing.

You have no idea
what this day has...

I know this obviously
means nothing to you.

I'd rather go without
than wear a lie.

No, no, no!

Explain that part about
switching rings again.

Oh, there's something shiny!

No. Just another paper wrapper.

Oh, look at us. We're filthy.

Yeah.

By the way, I hate that dress.

Considering the circumstances
under which it was obtained,

it's hardly one of my
favorites anymore.

Okay.

Then I can count
on you not wearing it

when you visit me
in the poorhouse

that you put me in.

Oh, Sam, get off it.

No, no, no, wait a second.

Le-Let's tally up
the damages here.

The first ring was $1,200.

The box was $290.

Four lovely pink frocks
was a mere $950.

The, uh, damages on the car

will be at least a grand.

And let's not forget
about the $5,200 bite

I was hoping to
avoid in the first place.

Bringing it to a
grand total of $9,000...

for a ring I no longer have.

Well, I hasten to add that
this was all of your own volition.

Ah...

$290 for the box?

Yeah.

Do you like... do you
like corn on the cob?

Well, I guess I'm
just stupid to think

that I could make
someone like you happy

on a budget of someone like me.

I'm sorry.

Well, you should be.

All right, I said I was!

Give me a bit of slack.

Even... had that been
the... bargain ring,

it would've been

sinfully impetuous
of me to cast it away.

Well, here's the
bargain ring right now.

Why don't you give it
the old heave-ho, too?

Hmm...

Hmm.

I'm somehow reminded
of a fable penned

by an anonymous
18th century author...

concerning the young mistress

of a great feudal estate

and a woodchopper who
worked on the estate...

Diane... not now, please?

Could I just tell you the moral?

What?

You're really neat.

Hardly a rich soul, I know.

The fact remains that...

no matter what the cost...

a ring is, above all else,

a symbol of the feelings

that two people
have for each other.

So, truly, Sam, this
is the ring I want.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, here.

Let me do this.

Uh...

But nothing says
we can't keep looking.

No!