Cheers (1982–1993): Season 5, Episode 12 - Dance, Diane, Dance - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, wow, Sammy!

Woody, Woody,
Woody, jump up there

and fix the TV. Again, will you?

Whoa, whoa!

Perfect, Perfect!

Don't move!

Oh, wait a second,
Woody... Uh, just a...

just a minor adjustment.

That's it!

Oh, I sure hope this game
doesn't go into overtime.



♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪



Sam, here's your change.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, dear.

What?

I can't remember whether
or not I left my stove on.

Oh, boy.

No, it's off.

A-ha. I think.

It's off. Of course it's off.

It's on. My apartment's on fire.

Still...

Go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, wait, uh, before you go,

uh, while you were
up there at Melville's

a Madame Likova called.

Something about
showing up tonight

with, uh, a videotape
and analysis?

Here? Madame Likova? Yeah.

Well, we've got to get
this place cleaned up.

Everyone, out!

What's the big deal? Who is she?

What?

Well, she...

Promise me, all of you, that
you won't make fun of me.

Yeah, right.

Hey... Carla, come on.

No, we, uh, we won't make
fun of you, we promise.

I've been studying ballet.

Sam!

You laughed.

No, no, we just, uh,
all thought of a joke.

What joke?

You in a tutu.

Come on. What is this?

Come on. Tell us all about it.

Madame Likova has
been visiting Boston

and she consented to
teach a class at the college.

On a caprice,

I decided to enroll
and I was accepted.

Our final session entailed doing
a solo performance on videotape.

Oh, I get it... That
way she could

puke in the privacy
of her own home.

Diane, uh,

why the sudden
interest in ballet?

Oh, Norman, it's not sudden.

I've had an on-again,
off-again love affair

with the ballet since I
was seven years old.

I studied for a
while, then gave it up.

Regrettably, of course.

Although I was blessed
with a swan-like neck

and natural grace...

I abandoned my dream of
becoming a prima ballerina

and concentrated instead
on my career as a novelist.

Which explains why you're
here in a bar pushing beers.

Oh, I remember the first time
I ever put on my toe shoes...

Excuse me, Diane. Isn't
your apartment on fire?

Oh, my God!

I completely forgot!

My poor kitty.

Wait a minute.

I'm sure I turned it off.

Hi, Cliff.

Hey, Diane. Hi, everybody.

Sammy? Hey!

Mind if I put one of these up
on the old, uh, bulletin board?

Go ahead.

Ah, better take this old
one of mine down, huh?

Boy, oh, boy,
nobody was interested

in my singles potluck séance.

What's going up this time?

Well, you know, for years

I've been saving up
and, uh, finally made it.

I bought myself a
snazzy Italian sports car.

Yup.

As of tomorrow I'm
going to be the owner

of a brand new Alfredo.

Hey, all right.

But first I got to, uh,

sell off the old Cliff-mobile.

Wait a minute.

Now you own a 1965
Chevy station wagon, right?

Yes, sir.

This is a picture
of a Rolls-Royce.

What are you doing?

Uh, read the copy there, Sammy.

"Chevy, the Rolls-Royce
of station wagons."

Oh, come on.

Smart.

Um, ex... excuse me.

Yeah?

I'm looking for Diane Chambers.

Oh, she's not here right now.

Oh, I'll bet you, you're
Madame Lik... Likova.

Oh! Oh, goodness no.

No.

How Madame would laugh
if she heard you say that.

And then she would strike me.

No, I, I am Leeza,
her assistant.

Oh, Sam Malone, hi.

Hello. Hello.

Frasier Crane.

Hello.

Uh, well, is Madame

going to come here

later on tonight?

Oh, no, no, Madame Likova
would never come to a tavern.

No, I am bringing by

the tape and analysis for Diane.

Normally the students
pick them up themselves,

but, well, Madame
Likova can be very... harsh,

so I wanted to soften the blow

by bringing them here myself.

Her dancing's that bad, huh?

I am afraid so.

That is why I, I, I wanted
to come here myself

and, and tell her not
to dance anymore.

Uh, but I, I have to go now.

Uh, we are checking out tonight.

And an impatient Madame Likova

is a dangerous Madame Likova.

Oh.

Uh, give her this
videotape and this envelope

and tell her I'm so sorry.

Well, I will. Thank
you very much.

Yes, thank you.

Do Svidaniya.

"Do Svidaniya," huh?

Those Russkies can never leave

without slipping in
some Soviet propaganda.

Hey, you guys think, uh, Diane

is really that bad of a dancer?

I don't know.

Guess there's no way
of ever knowing, is there?

Yeah, none that I
can really think of.

Me, uh, neither.

And who knows if that VCR

in Sammy's office
even works, you know?

There's, uh,
there's only one way

to find out, you
know. How's that?

Get a tape and, uh,
slip it right in there.

Talk about luck.

Here's a tape right here.

That's extremely insensitive.

No, it's not. No, it's not.

It's like driving by the
scene of an accident.

You don't want to look,

but you just can't
help yourself.

Yeah, and in this case you get
to play it over and over again.

Is it working?

Guess so.

Hey, that's Miss Chambers.

Oh, boy.

Why is she hopping
around like that?

Well, she's dancing, Woody.

Get out!

I don't know, guys.

You know, maybe
this isn't funny.

Sam, are you
looking at the screen?

I-I-I'm sorry. I'm just...

Being laughed at is
going to be the least

of Diane's worries.

If she ever reads this analysis,

she's going to be shattered.

Take a look at this thing.

Oh, boy.

"Poor, poor,

poor, terrible..."

Ooh, how was her attendance?

What... I mean, what
are we gonna do?

She thinks her teacher's
going to show up tonight.

Uh, what are we
going to tell her?

We're not going
to tell her anything.

Madame Likova is going

to write her a
splendid analysis.

Can I borrow your office?

Oh, hey, now wait a second now.

Do you think this is
the right way to do it?

Oh, listen, what harm can it do?

I mean, she said this
was a one-shot deal.

Why not let her
leave it a winner?

Uh, why would you,
her favorite doormat,

want to make her feel
better about herself?

Oh, I hear what you're saying.

Yeah, sure, she
mocked me, debased me,

humiliated me, ridiculed
me, finally left me at the altar,

but you never really can
forget your first love, can you?

Back again.

And you'll all be happy to know

that my oven was off.

Ah!

But I had left the milk out,

so it wasn't a wasted trip.

Uh, Diane,

while you were out,
your, uh, dance teacher's

assistant came by.

Oh, poo.

Madame Likova didn't come?

No, no, uh, she got hold
of a bad bowl of borscht.

Uh...

but she, she, uh, told us
to make sure you got this.

Here it is.

Yeah.

The moment of truth.

Mm...

Oh, I can't.

Oh, oh, come on.

You, you're going to
have to open it sometime.

"Technique: very good.

"Strength: very good.

"Emotional
response: outstanding.

Flexibility: average"?

Well, I always thought
I was very flexible.

"Excellent natural instincts."

"Soul of a dancer."

"If not for the late start,

could have had a
career in dance."

Oh, my.

Oh, I'd love to call
her and thank her.

Maybe I can still
catch her at the hotel.

Oh, no, no, Diane, I don't
think that's a good idea at all.

Why not?

Why not...?

Why not?

Because, uh, because...

Well, uh, you know,
she's probably packing

and if you disturb
her right now,

she'd probably put, uh, her,
her work clothes in one bag

and her regular
stuff in another bag.

Then if the airline
lost one of those bags,

then she, you know,
either she wouldn't be able

to work or she'd look real
goofy out there on the street.

That's why not.

Is there something
you're not telling me?

No! Ha! No.

We're just, uh...

What are we doing here?

Uh, well, we're, ha,
we're horsing around.

Horsing around, huh?

No, listen.

The fact is we're all just

thrilled to death
about the report.

Now you go ahead and call
her. I'm out of here, fellas.

Sit.

Ah, yes, Madame Likova, please.

Oh, boy...

Oh, I see.

She's busy, huh?

Well, maybe...

Oh, Madame Likova!

Madame Likova!

Yes, yes.

This is Diane Chambers.

I'm, I'm so glad I caught you.

I...

Yes. Yes, Madame Likova.

I read it. I...

Did you really mean
everything you said?

Ah, yes, I'm sorry.

I know you always
mean what you say.

Hello?

She hung up.

Well, she was never one to chat.

This is unbelievable.

Mmm.

I never thought I was this good.

Maybe I've been
too critical of myself.

I really don't think
that's possible.

I must view my tape again...
Through Madame's eyes.

Would any of you mind, if...?

Mind?

We'd be angry if you didn't.

Oh, my friends.

I'm, I'm so glad you're all here
to share this moment with me.

I tell you what.

What don't you come and stand

right up close to
the television here?

Oh, okay.

So you get the best
possible viewing,

and we'll just sort
of surround you

behind you so we don't
distract you, all right?

Hit it!

Yes, yes. Look at me.

Ever since I was a child, I
wanted to dance so badly.

Ooh, looks like
you got your wish.

Norman, don't
you think it's time

you got home to your beloved?

No, no, it's, uh, Vera's
night to howl tonight.

She's, uh, hosting
a Tupperware party.

I'd say, uh,

right about now they're
probably knee-deep

in lettuce crispers.

Vera's really into Tupperware?

Are you kidding?

She wants to be buried
in one of those things.

I can just, uh, see the service.

You know, they lower
you into the ground,

somebody burps the corner

and you're sealed
fresh for eternity, I guess.

Oh...

Was that a sigh, Diane?

I don't know.

Come on. What's
the matter? Come on.

Nothing. You
mentioned eternity, and...

it got me to thinking.

"For of all the sad
words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these:
It might have been."

Yeah.

I wonder what
might have happened

if I had pursued my dream.

Who knows?

I might have ended up
an accomplished ballerina.

Now I'll never know.

Yeah, that is
tough, but, uh, well,

that's what you
get for dreaming.

Didn't you ever have
a dream, Norman?

No.

Not at all? Nope.

You never wanted something
that was out of reach?

Well, uh... beer nuts.

Norman, I'm serious.

So am I. Could you just...

Yeah.

Everyone has dreams, Norman.

Everyone except me.

I learned

early in life not to have 'em.

Oh...

Yeah! I figure they're useless.

They don't come true anyway.

Norman...

Yeah, life's tough enough

without getting
yourself all worked up

over something that's
not gonna happen.

Mm-mm.

Dreams... they just
give you heartache.

But isn't the real heartache

knowing that you had the
potential to do something

and you never tried?

Listen to me.

Listen to me!

Do I have another choice?

I have the potential
to be a dancer.

I still have a fighting chance
to make my dream come true.

I'm gonna send my
tape to Boston Ballet.

You know... In fact, I am

going to drop it
in the mail tonight.

I, uh...

Oh, Norman...

Diane?

Oh, this is so
wonderful. Well...

Thank you so much.

Um...

I'm too excited to stick around.

Anyway, you know how
to lock up, right, Norman?

You kidding? I'm the
one who taught you.

Right.

Good night.

Yeah.

Well.

Ah, alone in a bar.

Maybe Diane is right.

I guess dreams can come true.

Hello, everyone.

My!

Don't you look the ballerina.

Thank you, Carla.

Now, why don't you
take a flying leap?

Sam, the reason I came early

was to tell you that I'm
going to be a little late.

You're not early.
You're right on time.

Oh. Well, then, I'm
going to be quite late.

I'm auditioning
for Boston Ballet.

Would you mind

if I warmed up?

This seems a tad high,
but it might serve as a barre.

Well, it is a bar,
Miss Chambers.

No, Woody, when
a dancer warms up,

they hold onto a barre.

That is a bar.

If I might interrupt here, uh...

Please.

Diane, what audition?

Well, you know
I sent off my tape

to Boston Ballet.

Yeah. What audition?

Well, they had the nerve
to send it back unopened.

They never even looked at it.

I think that's patently unfair.

Is that giving art a chance?

Well, uh, Diane, do you think,

uh, maybe you're just not ready
for the Boston Ballet? Hmm?

Yes, I am.

I know it.

Madame Likova knows it.

The only people
who don't know it

are the people at Boston Ballet,

and they're about to find out.

They're rehearsing now.

They're going to see me

if I have to do a grand
jeté over the gate.

Uh, Diane, I think that
might be a mistake.

Why?

Don't you think I'm good enough?

Oh, no. Oh, hey,
are you kidding me?

I think you're wonderful.

Heh. So what's the point?

Um, Frasier, the point?

The point is...

You know...

you two have been behaving
very mysteriously lately.

Oh...

Are you planning
a surprise party?

You're onto us.

Darn! Oh...

Well, I will try
to act surprised.

Oh.

Well, that's great, but
as I was saying, Diane,

the point is...
well, not to make

a big scene about this thing.

You see, I-I'm sure
the Boston Ballet

must have, uh,

open auditions, you know,

from time to time.

Why not, uh, wait till then?

I've wasted enough
time already. Thank you.

No, wait, Di-Diane,
wait a second here.

Uh, oh, boy.

Listen, I-I'm going to...

I-I'm going to have
to tell you something,

and, uh, you may not like it.

You see, the-the
truth... the truth is that...

Sam, I know what it is.

You're afraid of losing
me to the world of ballet.

No, no, see, that's...

See, that's not what
I'm afraid of at all.

Oh, my plucky little man.

I-I-I... Whoo, boy!

I'm just going to have to
come right out and, uh, say this.

Uh, I-I hope I don't hurt
your feelings here, um...

Please, please,
please, don't do this.

Help me here, Frasier.

Diane, please, please,
please, don't do this.

Sam...

this is one of the most
genuine displays of affection

you've ever shown me.

With love like
this in my corner,

how could I possibly fail?

Yeah, well...

Hmm...

Frasier, she's not
going to believe me.

Tell her. Come on, tell her.

Diane, Diane, just a second.

There's something I've
got to get off my chest.

Uh... Yes, Frasier?

Knock 'em dead.

Thank you.

What?!

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Miss, we're in the
middle of a rehearsal.

Yes, yes, and-and
you're all very wonderful,

but I have something
I'd like to say.

Miss, please...

This will only take a second.

Hold it, everybody.

Oh, you may put her down.

Kirby, please show
the lady to the wings.

Oh, no, no, please.

I must prove to you
that I indeed belong

in your fine fraternity. Kirby!

I'm sorry, miss,

but we just don't have
time for this right now.

I don't have much time myself.

A dancer's career
is not a long one.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

I have a dream: to be a dancer.

And in order for
it to come true,

you must see me dance.

Oh, yes, my technique
is not quite as polished

as it should be, but is
that all there is to art?

Mere technique?

Or is it not the passion

and emotion and pain that
lie deep within our souls?

For I have that emotion.
I have felt that pain.

I... I am a feeling person,

and I can communicate those
feelings to you through dance,

so judge me not by what
my arms and legs are doing.

Judge me... by
what I make you feel.

No, most importantly,
judge me...

for I must dance.

Damn it, I must!

Well...

Oh! Thank you!

You won't be disappointed.

Oh, oh!

Psst! Hey!

Never mind.