Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 9 - From Beer to Eternity - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Buon giorno, norm.

Cliffy.

Yeah, kind of bright
out there today, huh?

I wouldn't know.

Yeah...

Feel sorry for all those
people who have to squint.

Ahh... say, cliff,

those wouldn't be new
glasses, would they?

Oh, hey, noticed, huh?

Yeah, Italian imports.
65 smackeroonies.



That's right. Notice the
sleek European styling there,

the sturdy, reinforced frames,

the high-tech, shatterproof
reflective lenses

that allow me to
scope out the dollies

without drawing
attention to myself.

You can walk up to 'em
naked with your hair on fire

and not draw
attention to yourself.

Yeah? What would you know?

It'll only work on women.

Ooh, they seem to
have given you courage.

Prove it.

Well, what do you mean?

I wouldn't mind seeing a
little demonstration myself.

All right, all right.



All right.

You got the shades. What
are you worrying about?

Come on, come on.

Ahem. Uh, excuse me.

Oh, perfect.

Thanks.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go where people
know people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

I don't care what anybody says.

We had better chatter out there.

Shut up, cliff.

Sounds suspiciously as if
there is no joy in mudville.

Who gives a damn? We lost.

We didn't lose.
We got dumped on.

We were dragged by our
noses through the dung heap.

They ripped out our guts,

held them up for us to see,

and then they rammed
'em down our throats.

Ahh, it's a grand old game.

Damn. Now I know why they
weren't afraid to let me play.

They were great out there.

They were like the '27 Yankees.

He's exaggerating.
There were only 9 of 'em.

Come on, guys, we can't just sit
around and cry in our beer here.

Norman's right.

We don't have any. Come
on, Diane, step on it, will ya?

I feel a tear welling up here.

All right, what the hell?
First round on the house.

Hey, Sam...

Yeah, well, if you think I'm
drinking with you guys, you're nuts.

I'd rather drink with
those snail pellets

from Gary's old towne tavern.

At least they're winners.

That really hurts, Carla.

I don't think we played so bad.

Oh, listen to Mr. Gold
glove over here. Come on.

Yeah? You drew more
flies than bad liver.

Aw, gimme a break.

The only thing more
amazing than that

was that you dropped
every one of 'em.

Come on, will ya?

I just have a little problem
with balls hit directly at me.

I think it's probably...
It's the sun, you know,

or that I can't bend over.

Poor Norman.

Well, at least some of us
looked good out there, huh?

Yeah, cliff, the less of your
face showing, the better.

Listen to yourselves.

You're letting a minor setback
in some trivial competition

ruin what is an
otherwise lovely day.

Bleeeh.

Forget it, Sam.

You just don't get it, do you?

It's not just the guys
from Gary's beat us

at basketball,
volleyball, darts,

and every other sport
known to mankind.

It's more than that.

I'm a jock. This is a jock bar,

but if we keep losing, all
the jocks are gonna say,

"hey, cheers is for losers.

Let's go drink over at Gary's."

Oh, they'll never say that.

Oh, they'll never say that.
They'll say, "me no like cheers.

Let's go to Gary's."

Gentlemen of cheers.

Oh... And ladies...

Tough game out there today.

What are you doing here?

Boy, you guys
had the worst luck.

Yeah, looks like it just
followed us home, huh?

Listen, we were over
having a celebration

at my little tavern,
and I kept thinking,

"something's missing."

Wasn't as happy as it
usually is when we beat you.

And then I realized what it was.

I didn't get a chance to
thank you guys for the game.

So I came over
here to do it now.

Way to go.

The pop-up king.

Many thanks.

Great glasses.

Oh, oh...

This is what I was afraid of...

Hard feelings.

What are you talking about?

You guys have nothing
to hang your heads about.

You played hard. You played
clean. You gave it your all.

Just remember, it takes
2 sides to make a victory...

One side to win and you guys.

Excuse me, but you've
obviously come here

to belittle my friends.

Why I can only speculate.

Perhaps you're compensating
for some physical shortcoming.

But it's tragic that
you place such stock

in a silly competition.

What of higher attainments?
What of loftier pursuits?

What of art and philosophy?

What of music?

I graduated magna cum laude

in American literature
from Princeton.

Oh? Couldn't make summa?

Hey, look, Gary,

you only came here
to rub our noses in it.

You've done a great job.
Mission accomplished.

Now why don't you take off?

Yeah, take a hike.

But, Sam, I came here in
the spirit of sportsmanship.

I'll show you sportsmanship.

[Cliff raspberries]

People, people...

This is neither the
time nor the place

for such childish behavior.

Yeah, let's save it for
when we kick his butt.

In what? We're kind of
running out of sports, aren't we?

Well, it's really been a
truly enjoyable afternoon.

Gentlemen, ladies, see you.

Hey, hey, hey, listen,
I'll have you know

that I'm putting together a
team right this very moment

that's gonna have you
shaking in those shoes of yours.

Those are nice.

Oh, thanks. And...
Is that a challenge?

Yeah.

In what sport?

I'll tell you in what sport.

In, uh...

Bowling.

Yeah, bowling.

Great. I've knocked down
a pin or two in my day.

When and where?

I'll just let you know, ok?

Ok.

Ok.

Ok. Ok.

Ok! Ok!

Ok!! Ok!!

Bowling?

Don't worry. I got
this theory, Sam.

You see, all those other sports

required real athletic ability.

But with bowling,

we got the makings
of a great team.

Carla...

Listen. You go to any
bowling alley, what do you see?

A bunch of out-of-shape
couch potatoes

who do nothing but sit
around and swill beer.

All right, we're number 1!

[All shout and cheer]

Back so soon from the
sport of the great unwashed?

How was the audition?

Tryout. Diane, in
sports, it's called a tryout.

We got a team.

Yeah, of what I'd like to know.

I'm gonna call
Gary and call it off.

I'm telling you,

when one lousy bar can't
produce 4 decent bowlers,

it's time for america to take
a long, hard look at itself.

Hey, you!

You don't know anything
about bowling, do you?

Hey, woodhead...

I asked you if you
know how to bowl.

You have bowled, haven't you?

Yes.

When? When?

B-Before.

Before what?

Before I came to cheers.

You're good, aren't ya?!

Yeah, I won a couple trophies.

Sammy, Sam,
Sam, don't call it off.

Wh-what? Hold on a second.

We got a ringer.

We got what?

We got a ringer. Woody.
Woody is a bowling machine.

Trust me. He's got a
room full of trophies.

Uh, hey, gare. No,
we're not wimping out.

Yeah, tomorrow,

Vic's bowl-a-rama, we rumble.

Ok. Ok!

Aw, that's...

All right, Woody.

Please don't ask
me to bowl. I can't.

Why not?

The tragedy.

W-What tragedy? What tragedy?

Once I maimed a man
in a bowling accident.

I'll never bowl again
as long as I live.

Great idea, Sam. Bowling.

Ok, uh, it's time to go.

Let's see if we can,
you know, maybe,

somehow manage not
to embarrass ourselves.

Ladies and gentlemen,
knute rockne.

Come on. Let's go.
I wanna warm up.

Hold on a second, guys.

Say, Woody, still not too
late to change your mind.

[All talking at once]

Don't you understand?
I maimed a man.

Bowling accidents happen.

You read about them
in the paper all the time.

He was only an innocent
maintenance man.

Aw, man, he knew the risks.

I still don't know what
happened, you know?

One minute, I was
picking up the 8-10 split,

and the next thing I
know, the 10-pin flies

and hits old Sully
right between the eyes,

and he goes down
like a sack of wheat.

Sam, I ruined the man's life.

Oh, come on. I'm sure
you're exaggerating.

Oh, no... no, I'm not.

Old Sully got too dimwitted to
stay in bowling maintenance.

Last I heard, he was a clown
at children's birthday parties.

Well, what's wrong with that?

He wasn't invited to them.

Come on, Woody.

Listen, man, I have never
begged for anything in my life.

[Clears throat]

That I actually
enjoyed once I got it.

Come on, please! Come on.

Join the team here.

We need you, Woody. Come on.

I can't.

Since the accident,
I haven't been able

to set foot in a bowling alley.

Well, why don't
you just try it today?

Maybe the memory's faded.

Hey, you don't understand
what's at stake...

Hey, can't you hear me?! No!

Sammy, I'll take a
crack at him here.

Listen, man, all right?

Now, every once in a while,

you just gotta look
beyond yourself, ok,

and think about the team.

My old high-school football
coach used to always say,

"give the ball to Peterson.

He'll know what to do with it."

Well, hey, I didn't
want that responsibility,

but for the good of the team...

You understand... I took it.

We went ahead, and
we had a great season.

Were you the
fullback, Mr. Peterson?

No, I was the equipment manager,

but that's not
what I'm talking...

You're wasting your
breath. He ain't bowling.

Think about that, Woody.

Man: All right!

Yeah!

[Chanting] Old towne
tavern! Old towne tavern!

Old towne tavern!
Old towne tavern!

Quiet, you guys.

Let's show our worthy
opponent a little courtesy.

Back off, buster,

or I'll put vaseline
in your finger holes.

Just try to touch my ball.

I'm talking about your nose.

Choke on it.

Choke on it.

You guys got the
cheering under control.

I'm gonna mosey up
to the bar for a beer.

Cliff: Hey, you're gonna
miss the game, norm.

Then that's a perfect plan, huh?

Hey, cliffy, how we doing?

Uh, 50 pins down.

Sinking like a stone, Sammy.

Bar patrons: Norm!

How the hell do
they know him here?

He's got a life, you know.

That's all right,
man. That's ok.

Hey, tawny.

Has anyone ever told you you
make even bowling shoes look sexy?

Can't you ever stop?

You're fraternizing
with the enemy.

No, I'm just trying
to distract her here

so she won't know what to do.

A little wink, a sexy nod,

and a glimpse of
these taut, athletic buns.

Oh, wait a second here, tawny.

Oh, what's this?

I think your butt
needs a tune-up.

Diane: Sam.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I'm here as a driver only,

but I brought someone
with me who'd like to bowl.

Woody! Oh!

[Cheering]

Hey, time-out, Gary.

All right. Settle down.

Oh, who's taking
care of the bar, here?

Oh, don't worry. We closed it.

We would have been here sooner,

but it took a while to get
all those people out of there.

Oh, well, great, yeah.

All right, go get
some shoes on, here.

[Cheering]

W-What made him change his mind?

I don't know.

He was right in the
middle of doing something,

and he said, "I can't let
the guys down. Let's go."

All right, Woody.

Whoa. How are we gonna do this?

We've already started here.

Cliff, what about
your wrist injury?

What injury?

Don't make me hurt you.

Oh. Oh!

Aah! Man: Easy. Easy.

Oh, Gary, we're gonna need
an injury substitution here.

Hey, you got it.

The one thing I've never
been called is "unfair."

I can believe that's the one
thing you've never been called.

All right, well, I'm
gonna go fire Woody up.

Ah, the alleys. Thanks.

It's really a sensory
experience, you know?

The scent of aqua net
on a beehive hairdo.

The roar of polyester
against old naugahyde.

The sight of the cigarettes
stubbed out in a Patty melt.

All this plus the anticipation
of placing your feet

in shoes only 7,000 others
have worn before you.

Man: Woody! Yeah!

Let's go!

Listen, if this is gonna
be tough on you,

I want you to know that you
don't have to do this, Woody.

Oh, I want to, Sam.

You absolutely sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

Y'all have been
like family to me.

I love you guys.

Sam: Ok. All right, Woody.

Yeah, watch this, gare.

Yeah.

If you're having second
thoughts, that's ok, pal.

Oh, no. I want to do this.

Ok, I'm ready.

Woody!

Woody?

I wanna do this, Sam.

Remember, I love you guys.

I'm ready, Sam.

It's ok, Woody.

Move, ball.

I don't know what I
was worried about.

This is easy. Those
guys are dead meat,

you know what I'm saying, Sam?

Sit down, Woody.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Whoo!

[Chanting] Old towne tavern!

Old towne tavern!
Old towne tavern!

Old towne tavern! Hey!

Nice game, Sam.

Oh, get out of here.
We said 2 out of 3,

and we're taking
you to the wall on this.

That's right.

All right, all of you
in favor of saving

what shred of
dignity we have left

by sneaking out of
here, raise your hand.

That's one...

Carla: Hey, how come you voted?

You're not even playing.

I thought we were
ordering pizza.

Sam, we can't quit.

Listen, Sam, um, maybe we
can sweeten the pot a little.

Sam: Get out of here.

No, no, no, no.

If you guys win, I'll
set you up with tawny.

Maybe we can talk.

And if we win,

you set me up with, uh...

The sweetheart of sigma chi.

Excuse me?

I didn't date sigma chis.

I was phi epsilon delta.

You girls had
quite a reputation.

Yes. For academic achievement.

Is that what it was?

Tell me. Isn't it true that
"phi epsilon" is Greek

for "hi, sailor"?

Give me your shoes.

Give me your shoes!

Hey, uh, Diane, you're bowling?

Yes.

Come on. What, are
you any good at this?

Yes!

You whisper a word of
this to anyone who matters,

I'll find you,
and I'll kill you.

You think I came by my utter
contempt for the sport by accident?!

Hardly.

I took it in college.

You bowled in college?

Yes. I needed the p.E. Credits.

I could read between frames,

and you didn't have to run.

I spent 6 semesters sweating
in a tawdry bowling alley.

Bowlers don't sweat.

They do when
they're wearing tweed.

In spite of my complete
disdain for the experience,

I have no intention of letting

this Ivy league
lounge lizard insult me

and my sorority sisters

and send cheers to
ignominious defeat.

Your mama.

[Chanting] Chambers!
Chambers! Chambers! Chambers!

Chambers! Chambers!
Chambers! Chambers!

Chambers! Chambers!

Thank you! Thank
you! Now put me down!

I'm afraid of heights, and
someone has very cold hands.

Ok, everybody. Line
up. I'm pouring beer!

Hey, I gotta hand
it to you, whitey.

For once, you did
something that didn't make me

want to shove a rat in your
mouth and sew your lips shut.

Such praise. I blush.

Congratulations, Sam.

Yeah, thank you.

Uh, excuse me.
Continue celebrating.

Huzzah huzzah.

It was a great win,
wasn't it, Sam?

Yeah, it was. Thanks to you.

Oh, don't thank me.

I've been amply rewarded just
seeing how well you're taking this.

The old Sam Malone
would have died

before letting a woman
salvage his athletic pride.

You've grown.

You know something,
I think I have.

Oh, by the way...

Tawny wasn't the only one looking
sexy out there in bowling shoes.

Well, thank you.

No. Oh, no, no. I
was talking about me.

You know, I'm surprised
you didn't mention that.

All right, seriously. Seriously.

Great form out there.

Thank you.

Oh, no, no, I was
still talking about me.

All right, all jokes aside here.

Thank you very much
for helping me beat Gary.

Well, I was getting
tired of listening

to some ignorant
blowhard take himself

and some stupid
competition so seriously.

Boy, he really does
that, doesn't he?

No. I was talking about you.