Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Bar Stoolie - full transcript

Cliff bonds with his long-lost father until he learns the real reason why he came back to see him. Meanwhile, Sam suspects that Diane intentionally sabotaged his date with a smart, cultured woman.

Sam: "Cheers" is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Ok, Mr. Peterson, it's your turn

to send a tape recorded
hello to my folks back home.

I don't know what
to say here, Woody.

Just hurry it up,
will ya, normie?

I got some audio gems that'll have
them howling in the old hoosier state.

In the old hoosier state.

Ok, just let me find the end
of miss chambers' message.

All right.

Your son is a
hard-working young man.

You should be proud!



We at cheers certainly are.

[Tape fast forwards]

I think it's a little
further along here.

I believe it was Elizabeth
Barrett Browning who said...

[Tape fast forwards]

Now let me tell you a
little bit about myself...

[Tape fast forwards]

Fill me up. I think
we're in here for a while.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪



♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Okey-dokey. Mr. Peterson,

found the end of miss
chambers' message.

It's ready to go.

Um... hi, folks.

This is norm.

[Tape stops]

Oh, no, that's the
end of the tape.

I'm sorry you didn't get to
leave your whole message.

That was the whole message.

Oh, thanks.

Sam, two beefeater
martinis, please.

[Hums]

Well, you're just
bubbling with energy.

Oh, you must have
mastered the childproof cap

on your flintstones vitamins.

Yeah. That's pretty cute, Diane.

Hmm. Scored again.

I guess I'll be saying
that a lot tonight.

You got an evening of
romance planned, Sam?

Yeah. I sure do.

Who's the bimbo du jour?

That's the girl, all right.

Claudia's been a
tough nut to crack,

but tonight's the night

she's gonna be enjoying all the
rides in Sammy's magic kingdom.

She's in for a Mickey
mouse evening

with goofy as her guide.

Boy, Sam, I wish I could
read women like you.

I mean, I can never really
tell when a woman likes me.

Hey, Woody, women give off
different subtle signs of interest.

Me, I stand there naked
with a Rose in my teeth.

I'll watch for that one.

Sam, what signal is
your date giving you?

Not only is Claudia
mentally undressing me,

she's mentally fixing me
breakfast the next morning.

I'm sorry this is
taking so long here.

I hope you're not getting bored.

Oh, no. I enjoy
watching you work.

I'm glad to hear that.

You know, I've got some mirrors
at home. We can both watch.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

One second. Yeah?

Yeah, as a matter
of fact, he is.

Hold on one second.
Cliffie, telephone.

Somebody wants to talk to cliff?

This is a first, bud.

I don't think anyone's
ever called you here before.

I know who this is. It's
a tootsie on my route

who's been eyeing
the cut of my jib

through her levelors.

Her old man's
probably out of town.

She's looking
for a little c.O.D...

Cliffie on demand.

I know how to handle this babe.

Hello.

Listen, I never
want to speak to you

as long as I live! Good-bye!

Who's that?

It was a man who has the nerve

to call himself my father.

He'd have to have
nerve to admit that.

Are you still carrying a grudge?

Damn straight how would you
feel if your father deserted you

at the formative age of 9?

Well, cliff, don't you at least
want to hear what he has to say?

Perhaps he's trying
to make amends.

No way. I don't want to have
anything to do with that bum.

I know how these father/son
relationships can be.

I remember my dad didn't want me

to get serious with Vera.

He'd heard that she had
loose morals. You're kidding?

Actually he got the story wrong.

Turns out she had loose molars.

At least you had a
father figure, norm.

Norm.

Yeah.

Sam.

Hmm? Yes, five minutes,
we'll be out of here.

What's this?

A date of yours reading
artforum magazine?

And it's right side up, too.

I hope this doesn't mean

we're going to have
to talk afterwards.

Why do I keep trying to
communicate with you?

It must be the
Margaret mead in me.

That's a wonderful issue.

Yes, it is.

Did you happen
to read their article

on Chinese tapestries?

Yes. It was fascinating.

Wasn't it?

The only problem was

20 minutes later, I
wanted to read it again.

Ha! Reads and has
a sense of humor.

Did you lose a bet?

Excuse me?

I'm Diane chambers.

Claudia Mitchell.

So, you and Sam
are going... Out?

Yes, we're going to try

that new Indian
restaurant, rajah's.

Oh, I understand their chef is
a master of tandoori cooking.

I don't really know that
much about Indian food.

It's the one area where I'm
not really able to be pretentious.

Well, I am, so we
have the bases covered.

Mind if I sit down?

Please!

I mean, after all,
the game of billiards

was invented by the
ancient phoenicians.

It gained newfound popularity

after a group of benedictine
monks invented felt.

Thank you, Sam.

Good lord.

I think that's my father.

There's still time to slip out
through the window in the bathroom.

No, no. I want to hear
what the rat has to say.

Don't let on who I am, huh?

Can I help you?

Yeah. Do you happen
to know cliff clavin?

I, uh...

I...

Sam, I'm no good under pressure.

Hi. I'm Sam Malone. I'm
the owner of the place.

Oh, hi. I'm cliff,
sr., his father.

I called his ma, and said he
hangs out here sometimes.

Is he around?

Uh... no, actually, he's not. I
think he's away on business.

That's too bad. I
wanted to talk to him.

Gee, it's funny. My own
son, I don't even know

what he does for a living,

I don't even know
what he looks like.

Cliff might be away
for a while here.

Is there any message
you'd like me to give to him?

I think I'll hang around
awhile. It's kind of personal.

I'd like to deliver it myself.

Oh. Here.

Oh, thanks.

Excuse me.

I got something to say.

Can I have the sports page?

Oh. Yeah, sure.

There you are.

[Speaking French]

Well, you two seem
to be getting along.

Are you ready?

Not to mention willing and able.

A bientôt.

J'espere.

I have this great idea.

Why don't we invite Diane
to come with us for dinner.

What?

Oh, no. I don't think that
would be a good idea.

No, don't be silly.
It would be perfect.

Diane knows all
about Indian food.

Well, yeah, so do I.

I'll order buffalo.

You can have the
Geronimo burger.

Claudia, I really don't want

to be a third wheel.

Yeah, but I want
you to come, Diane.

Yeah, but I want us to be alone.

Well, there's plenty
of time for that later.

Besides, what could you do
in a restaurant full of people?

You'd be surprised.

Yes, you would.

What? Just butt out
of this whole thing.

Sam, I think you're being
kind of a drip about this.

Quite frankly, I am
surprised at you.

Oh. Well, all right.

Diane, if you have
nothing better to do

than tag along, why
don't you join us?

I really don't think...

Oh, please, Diane. I insist.

It'll be fun.

Yeah. Loads.

Great! Then we're set. Ok.

I'm gonna go freshen up,
and I'll be back in a minute.

Okey-doke.

Please get me out of this.

Uh-uh. If you don't go,

she's going to think
that I told you not to go,

and then she's gonna
think I'm even a bigger heel.

You're going.

Ok. Fine. Fine.

You bet, "fine. Fine."

Give me the phone, will you?

Sam, you're out of your mind.

Please, I may look stupid,

but I'm way ahead of her.

Give me some credit for
having brains, will ya? Hello.

Hello.

Uh... yeah, this is Sam Malone.

I made a reservation
for two at 7:00.

I want to make sure
it's an intimate table

that seats only two.

Yeah, and there'll be a
third person coming along,

but I want to make sure
that she's seated far away.

No, no. The farther the better.

In fact, do you have
something in Bombay?

Yeah. Bye.

You're a genius.

I kinda think I'm
wasting my time here.

If cliffie comes in,
tell him I was here.

Thanks for the beer.

Gonna say something to him?

I got nothing to say.

Mr. Clavin, maybe
cliff will call you later.

Well, he better make it fast.

I'm leaving tomorrow.

Gee, that's too bad.

I'd really like to make
my peace with the kid.

Well, thanks anyway.

Hold it right there, clavin!

I'm cliff clavin, Jr.

You're cliff.

You wasted your
time coming here.

After what you done to me,
there can be no peace between us.

Now hit the bricks!

Cliffie?

What?

What's that?

Where?

Gotcha! Ha ha ha!

Aw, dad, you always knew

how to push the right buttons.

Hey!

I just can't stop
talking about that meal.

It was simple and delicate,

yet provocative.

Well, I never had anything

quite like that lamb vindaloo.

Great recommendation, Diane.

How was your meal, Sam?

The only thing that
tasted good at the table

turned out later to be a candle.

You're not still angry
about sitting alone?

I wasn't alone.

You're forgetting about
that 300-pound hindu

with the goitre that
kept fanning me.

Sam, I know this date hasn't
turned out the way you planned it.

Maybe we could still salvage
something of the evening.

Maybe we could go
some place for dessert.

If I might make a suggestion.

Why don't you 2 go
upstairs to melville's?

They have great cheesecake.

I have a better idea...

Why don't we go over to my
place for a little Sammy's jubilee.

Sammy! It's your
beer distributor.

He says there's some
problem with next month's order.

Let him talk to Woody.
Woody handled it last month.

I think that's the problem.

Damn.

Uh... all right.

Listen, we'll go up to
melville's for your cheesecake,

but then we're going back
to my place for your beefcake.

You've got some
work to do, don't you?

Evening, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

Norman.

What's your pleasure,
Mr. Peterson?

Boxer shorts and loose shoes.

I'll settle for a beer.

So how was the hungry heifer?

It wasn't too good.

Oh? What did you have?

They've got this
chef's special ribs.

Well, that sounds pretty good.

That's what I thought.

The chef just came out
and made fun of my tie.

So cliffie and his
dad not back yet?

Oh, no. They had very big plans.

Mr. Clavin wanted to spend the
evening getting to know his son.

And the rest of his
life trying to forget.

Hey, Woody, next time you
order beer from the distributor,

try to be more
specific than "lots."

Sorry, Sam.

I called melville's.

They have just two
pieces of cheesecake left.

No more, no less, no Diane.

Next to Sammy's life, my
life sure looks dull, doesn't it?

Next to a barnacle,
my life seems dull.

Say, that cheesecake
can be pretty fattening.

You got any ideas how
we could work it off?

May I say something
to you, Sam? Please.

The first few times
that we went out,

I thought you were
coming on a little strong.

I now miss those gentler times.

Claudia, trust me.

You're about to come
upon the gentlest time

that you've ever known.

Good lord, Sam.

What? That was good.

I'm afraid we're just not

what each other's looking for.

All right. Maybe you're right.

Wait, listen. I want to
wish you a happy life.

As happy as you
can be without me.

Come on, there are no
hard feelings here, are there?

No. No. On the contrary.

I'm glad that this happened

because I feel that everything,

no matter how
degrading and humiliating,

should be experienced
at least once in life.

Well, uh, wait a
second here, Claudia.

Let's talk about this.

Claudia?

Claudia left rather abruptly.

Didn't even say good-bye.

Was she upset about something?

Yeah, she was upset
about something.

Your little plan
worked perfectly.

What are you talking about?

I can't believe you're
actually making me say this.

What?

Why don't you admit
that you're nuts about me.

You can't stand seeing me
going out with other women,

so you eliminate
the competition.

Sam, you're hormones have
staged a coup d'état on your brain.

No, no. Don't try to distract
me with hormone talk.

Well, as long as we're
talking about transparent plans,

why don't you just
admit that you brought

that clone of me here

because you're
still hung up on me.

Are you kidding me? There's only
one reason why you came back here...

Because you asked me.

I asked you. You
begged to come back.

I mean, we're
splitting hairs here.

Sam, melville's wants to know

if you still want
that cheesecake.

Yes, I want that cheesecake.
Tell them I'll be right up.

And I'm gonna go up and I'm gonna
have that cheesecake all by myself.

It's gonna be the best
company I've had all evening.

Indeed.

Unless maybe you want to come

and make the evening
a complete disaster.

I wouldn't have
cheesecake with you

if you were the
last man on earth

and it was the
last morsel of food.

I'm getting kind of used to
eating by myself anyway.

Well, it is delicious
cheesecake.

Does your offer include coffee?

Maybe.

And a refill?

Don't push it.

Sam...

I am sorry that you
had to eat alone.

It's ok.

What did you guys
talk about anyway?

Well, we talked about
the postmodernists

and the trend away from
minimalism in literature.

All of a sudden, my table
doesn't seem so bad after all.

And he says, "yeah. My sister."

Whoa, whoa. Time for
a little in-flight refueling.

Oh, good.

You're good for
another thousand miles.

You two look like you've
been having a heck of a time.

What did you do?

He better ask what we didn't do.

How about if we just
withdrew the question?

Well, we caught the first
quarter of the celtics game,

went down to the petting zoo.

It was nice, but we
peeked over the fence.

We went fishing in the Charles

and dad took me to the
all-night barbers for a haircut.

Yeah, next time he's
gonna them all cut.

Then later over a hot dog

we had a little
father and son talk...

About the birds and bees.

Yeah, well, I already
knew about that stuff.

There was one thing that
was a little bit shocking, though.

Excuse me, daddy. I
got to make a pit stop.

Yeah, yeah. Go right
ahead. I'll refuel a little myself.

[Siren wails]

Hey, listen, tell
me about cliffie.

You guys know him
a lot better than I do.

Is he really as nice
a guy as he seems?

You bet.

And smart, too.

One of the smartest
guys I've met.

And dependable.

Call cliff at 4:00 in
the morning, he's there.

Where else would he be?

Hey, Mr. Clavin, do you have
the gift of gab like your son?

Nah. That comes
from his mother's side.

She's the real
yapper in the family.

My god, she gets rolling,
she's like a hyena on bennies.

Hey, dad, come
on, time's a-wastin'.

What do you say we go out

and get a set of
matching tattoos?

Cliffie, I got to get cracking.

I got a plane to catch.

Come on, dad. We
have so much time.

You know, we haven't talked.

We don't know about each other.

I just had a terrific idea.

Oh, yeah? What's that, dad?

Why don't you come
to Australia with me.

Australia?

Yeah.

I don't know if I can
leave all this, dad,

my friends, my job.

You can make new friends,
and you don't need a job.

What?

I got a lot of dough
stashed away.

We could live like kings.

I need time to think about it.

There's no time.
I got to go now.

What's the rush?

I have got to get out of
this country as fast as I can.

What's going on, dad?

Ok, listen, I'll level with you.

You're my son. I can trust you.

My business has got me in
a little trouble with the law.

What kind of business is that?

Real estate fraud.

Dad, that's illegal.

Good. I'm not going
too fast for you.

Listen, cliffie, come on,
you going to come with me?

No, look, dad, I
can't let you do this.

How about you
give the money back,

throw yourself on
the mercy of the court,

they'll let you off with
a slap on the wrist.

10 years, Max.

10 years? Come
on, cliff. Grow up.

We're talking about
heavy cake here.

Now, I want you to come.
Are you gonna come or no?

How do you know I'm
not gonna turn you in?

Cliffie, you're not going
to turn in your own father.

I know that, and you know that.

Yeah. You're right, dad.

All right, I had a
couple of beers.

I'm gonna make one
more stop, then I'm gone.

Give me the phone.

What's wrong?

My old man's a crook.

He's leaving the country
one step ahead of the law.

You're not gonna
rat on your old man?

Think about this, will ya?

There's nothing to think about.

Information?

Yeah, give me the
federal authorities.

I don't know.

Somebody in charge
of rotten daddies.

I can't do it.

I've aided a
fugitive from justice.

I'm a disgrace to my uniform.

Hey, come on.
Come off it, clavin.

You didn't disgrace anything.

You can't turn the old guy in

because you love him.

Anyone would understand that.

Thank you, Carla.

You're right.

I do love him.

Matter of fact,

I think I'll go give him
a big hug right now.

Yo, cliffie, I think it
might be a little uncool

to hug him in the men's room.

I guess you're right, norm.

What the heck? I can't wait.

It's the longest we've
been apart all day.

Carla...

You know, for a minute
there, you treated cliff

as if he was a human being.

What you are experiencing
is a half Melvin.

You breathe one word of this,

and I'm going to
give you a full Melvin.

I think we understand
each other.

He's gone.

This is all that's left.

What do you suppose
happened to him?

It's obvious, isn't it?

My father didn't trust me,

so he gave me the slip
out the bathroom window.

Guess I'll just go home.

You're ruling out
the other possibility.

What other possibility?

It's a little-known fact...

More and more people have
been going into men's rooms

and vaporizing.

I mean, just
disappearing into thin air.

It's an unexplained phenomenon.

It's kinda like the
Bermuda triangle.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah. Get
serious, will you?

Have it your way.

Well...

However, this much is true...

There have been recent
sightings of human beings

being shot up
into the underbelly

of alien spacecraft.

You know, and speaking
of the Bermuda triangle,

it's not technically a triangle.

It's not?

Heck, no.

It's a trapezedaromboid.

They're perfect for
attracting martian spacecraft.