Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 8 - Love Thy Neighbor - full transcript

Sam: "Cheers" is filmed
before a live studio audience.

You sure you don't want to
have another round, Jack?

Not me. Let's get out of here.

What's the damage, Mac?

Just let me figure it out.

Uh, that'll be 27.50.

Ouch! You sure?

Yeah. You two gentlemen

had four peach daiquiris

and three creme
de menthe frappes.

Something funny, dipstick?



Uh...

In the paper this morning,

it seem the sarge got
tricked by beetle Bailey again.

Beetle put some itching
powder in his shorts.

Uh-huh. We thought that
maybe you was laughing

at our drink order.

Oh, b...

Oh, on the contrary.

Woody, I'll have
another mocha frost.

Keep them coming.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪



♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Guess who's gonna interview
me on the radio tonight.

Someone with a
taste for adventure.

Dave Richards, my old buddy.

And a 2x4 for a brain.

And a Dewar's, rocks, please.

What's your big
problem with Dave?

I mean, ever since
he came in this place,

you've been
bad-mouthing the guy.

For some strange reason, it find it hard
to respect a man with a bumper sticker...

"honk if you're horny."

That's pretty good.

Yeah. Honk honk honk honk!

Oh. There's news.

Hey, Sam, what time do you
have to be at the radio station?

No, it's a phone interview.

It's that sportstalk show that
Dave does after the Red Sox game.

Norm: Evening, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

What do you say, norm?

I never met a
beer I didn't drink.

And down it goes, huh?

We missed you last night, buddy?

You did? Vera and I went
dancing with the henshaws...

The next-door neighbors.

Dancing? I didn't
think you liked walking.

You kidding, I love dancing.

Could watch for hours.

You don't dance yourself?

Vera's the dancer in our family.

She even has dancer's buns.

Too bad they're on her calves.

So, normie, who's
Vera dancing with then?

The guy Ron
Henshaw. Good dancer.

Do they dance the
slow dances, do they?

Yeah, a few times.
Why do you ask?

No reason.

You know, during slow dances,

certain parts of the body
rub against one another.

Thigh touches thigh
purely by accident.

Before you know it, you're
hosing them off like dogs.

It's good, clean
fun, all right, cliffie?

I know which way the wind blows.

Yeah, usually out of your mouth.

[Telephone rings]

Cheers.

Oh, yeah. He's right here.

Sam, it's some guy
from the radio station.

Dave's ready to go on the air!

All right, I'll be in my office.

I can't believe I'm talking
to a real radio station!

Hey, listen, while I've got you,

could you please play "Roxanne"
and dedicated it to my girl?

No, her name's Beth.

I don't think there's
a song called "Beth."

Oh, hi, Sam.

Right. I'll hang up. Good-bye.

Well, it's not really good-bye
because we're not actually...

Right now. Yes.

They're ready.

What's the score?

What's the line?

Who's ahead?

Who's behind?

Let's ask Dave!

Who's behind?

Come on, can we
say that on the air?

I'm Dave Richard
with sports shorts.

Well, we don't have much time.

Because the Red Sox
were involved in another

boring extra-inning game.

So, let's go right
to tonight's guest.

He's former Red Sox relief pitcher
and one of my buds, Sam Malone.

I'm here, Dave. How are you?

Just great! And you?

Couldn't be better.

Where does one send
for a transcript of this?

You've hogged the
airwaves long enough.

So let's open up those phone
lines for you listeners out there.

Got a question you've been
dying to ask Sam Malone?

Here's your chance.

Former major league
great, mayday Malone.

Ahem.

All the lines are clear,

and it's a toll-free call.

Doesn't have to
be about baseball.

Anything at all. Anything.

Here's a call!
You're on the shorts!

Hey, Sam, where
did you put the olives?

Woody...

Get off the phone!

He said anything at all.

You were known as quite a
ladies' man during your playing days.

Are women more impressed
by a man in a baseball uniform?

Well, actually I found women
were a lot more impressed

when I was out of my
uniform, if you get my drift.

Seriously, a lot of
the chicks I dated

knew nothing about the
game of baseball at all.

You know, in fact,
one former love bunny

actually brought a
book to a Red Sox game

to pass time between pitches.

A book? You mean, like, to read?

Swear to god, Dave.

I wonder who that was, Diane.

Anyway, this is
Dave Richard saying,

be a sport... don't
be a jerk. Good-bye!

Great show!

Do you love me, public?

"Love bunny"?

What's wrong with that?

How dare you callously
and cruelly lump me in

with the other
conglomeration of twinkies

that constitutes
your sexual past!

There's just no
pleasing that woman.

Hello, norm.

Phyllis, what are
you doing here?

Well, I took the chance
I might find you here.

Ooh, what are the odds.

You guys, this is
Phyllis Henshaw.

So, where's, uh, Ron?

I don't know.

Um, could we talk privately?

Sure. Yeah.

Just follow me.

Can I get you anything?

No, thank you.

Uh, what's up?

Norm, I've been trying to think

of an easy way to say this,

but I can't.

I think Vera and Ron
are having an affair.

Vera and Ron?

Did you guys all
get that back there?

That's just great.
How about you guys?

You get that, everyone?

Come on, let's just get away
from the peanut gallery here.

This is kind of hard
to believe, Phyllis.

I mean, what makes
you think they are?

Oh, norm, come
on. You're not blind.

Haven't you seen the way they look
at each other when they're dancing?

I don't have to tell you

how attractive Vera is.

No, you certainly don't.

Ron's always going over
to borrow things from you.

Yeah, but...

All right, yeah.

Vera said that he came over
yesterday to borrow a power drill...

Norm, we have a power drill.

Well... Variable speed?

Yes.

Cordless?

Oh, my god!

This doesn't mean anything.

We have to find out!

I think we ought to
hire a private detective.

I think you're
jumping the gun a bit.

Oh, are we? Yes.

Well, Ron told me
he'd be home all night.

Let's just see if he is.

Phyllis, I'm sure... Look...

So, uh, what's up, buddy?

It's probably nothing. I hope.

Come on, now, and
fill us in, will you?

I mean, we're your friends here.

We're sensitive and caring.

Our only concern
is your support.

You know that, Norman.

All right, how much
did you overhear so far?

Well, everything
but the location

where they're satisfying
their pagan lust.

No, this just can't
be true, Mr. Peterson.

They wouldn't do that.

I mean, they're both
married, for Pete's sake.

How old are you?

Well, what... What happened?

Ron's not home.

Hire the private dick, norm.

Hey, my cousin santo's a
gumshoe, and a great one.

He's professional, thorough, and
a master of disguise. I'm sure he is.

Not just as people, either.
But things... furniture.

I mean, he could
be here right now.

Norman, I think it's a mistake.

Don't give in to suspicion.

Baloney. Hire santo.

Better safe than sorry.

Trust... Maybe... Call...

Who are these people?

All right, wait a minute. Just
would you wait a minute now?

Phyllis...

You may not know about Ron,

but Vera happens
to love me, all right?

And I certainly love her.

I'm gonna call her
right this minute

and I'm gonna tell her that.

And she better
be there to hear it.

Hi, honey.

Nothing, nothing. I just...

Called to tell you
that I love you.

The usual time.

I thought... Yeah, bye. Bye.

She says she's just
sitting home alone

listening to records.

I could hear Johnny Mathis
singing in the background.

There you go. I knew it.

That's good news,
isn't it, Mr. Peterson?

Yeah. It would be better

if we had a Johnny Mathis album.

We have one.

All right. Carla,
call your cousin.

Hey, did you enjoy your dinner?

Hey. Hey, listen...

Excuse me, miss?

Are you or are you
not speaking to me?

Never, ever again.

How could you?

After all we've been through.

What we had together
was real and special.

And now you've
cheapened it for all eternity

by broadcasting

to the entire Boston
metropolitan area

that I was nothing but...

An odalique in your seraglio.

If that's your idea of
the silent treatment

it needs a little work.

Oh, come on...
All right, all right.

Whatever it is I said

and whatever the hell
it was that you just said,

what if I go back on the
air there and apologize?

Will that fix things up?

Hmm?

Do whatever you want.

I couldn't care less.

Keep it short and simple.

Something dignified.

No sweat.

I'll write the script for you.

Well, is there anything
else you can tell me?

No, no. I think that's
just about everything.

When can you start?

Look, you both
seem like nice people.

Now, do yourselves
a favor, don't hire me.

Well, that's an interesting
sales pitch you have there,

but we're quite
serious about this.

You don't know what you're
letting yourselves in for here,

a lot of pain, a lot of
heartache, a lot of misery.

That's just when
you see the bill.

My cousin. She's a pistol.

Mr. Carbone, by hiring you,

we hope to prove our spouses
innocent. Yeah, there you go.

Most of these cases,
the news is otherwise.

Believe me, I've
seen it a million times.

Bored husband,
fed up with leftovers

in the bedroom as
well as the kitchen,

starts eyeing a cute
little pastry tart next door

who's only too happy to
serve up a little dessert.

That's not true in
our case, is it, norm?

Huh? No. No way.
Anyone else hungry?

Look, nothing like this
has ever happened before.

Up until now, we've both
had happy marriages.

Believe me, people who
don't know are better off.

Could you excuse
us for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Well, norm, what do you think?

I'm not so sure we
should hire this guy.

Well, if we're being made
fools of, I'd prefer to know it.

Can't we just assume it

and save a little money here?

All right, look, Mr. Carbone,

we're going to hire
your services, all right?

Your funeral.

Thanks for the referral, Carla.

See you, santo.

You're Diane
chambers, aren't you?

Yes, I am. You look familiar.

Weren't you an
attendant at goldenbrook?

That was just my cover.

Santo was the one who I hired

to track you down

at the insane asylum.

It wasn't an insane
asylum, damn it!

It was... More like a spa.

You're out already, huh?

Of course I'm out.

Why wouldn't I be out?

No reason.

Look, you take it easy.

Ok, Sam Malone is back on the
show with a prepared statement

that he's gonna read.
Go ahead, Sammy.

Ladies and gentlemen,

a week ago on this program

I, Sam Malone,

committed a faux pas

of the highest magnitude.

I insensitively included
a wonderful woman

in a category in which she...

[Paper rustles]

Certainly did not
merit inclusion.

I apologize to her and
indeed to women everywhere,

both living and dead,

whose sensibilities
may have been offended.

Yeah. Whatever peels
your potatoes, Sam.

Our next guest is...

Very well done. Thank you, Sam.

You're welcome...

Little love bunny.

Oy vey!

You all right, Mr. Peterson?

You've been awful quiet tonight.

I was thinking about a high
school football game actually.

It was a long time ago, Woody,

and far away from here.

We were playing our arch rivals

for the state championship,

and I saw the cutest
little cheerleader

that I'd ever seen in my life
just cheering her heart out.

I looked at her,

and the sun seemed to be shining

only where she stood,
you know what I mean?

She seemed to be everything

that was bright, pure, and good.

I knew right then and then I
wanted to make that little gal my wife.

So I turned to Vera and said,

"honey, would you mind
introducing me to the cheerleader?"

I'm joking, Woody.

Of course, that little
cheerleader was Vera.

Can I ask you a
question, Mr. Peterson?

Sure.

Who won the game?

You know, I really
couldn't tell you who won,

but tonight I sure
know who lost.

Well, can't you
figure it out from that?

Could I have
another beer, please?

Coming up.

Norm?

Hi. I just got a call
from Mr. Carbone.

He's gonna drop by with
his report in a few minutes.

Did he say anything?

No. He said he wanted to
wait and talk to us in person.

Man!

Um, could we wait in the
back room where it's private?

All right.

Oh, norm. Where did we go wrong?

I don't know. I've
been wracking my brain

trying to figure it out.

Day after day,
night after night,

I sit on that stool out there

wondering why did
she lose interest in me?

Norm, listen, whatever the
outcome, I want you to know

I couldn't have gotten
through this without you.

You've been a tower of strength.

You've been great, too, Phyllis.

Thank you.

What if the news is bad?

I mean, what then?

Well, I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go right out
and have an affair myself,

maybe lots of them.

You are darn right!

That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Just watch my dust.

Of course, the...

Difficult part is...

Finding the right person.

It's hard, all right.

No, that's... Always
the hard part.

It would have to be someone
who really understands me.

You know what I mean?

Someone you could depend on?

I wouldn't know where to begin.

I'd be completely lost.

Of course, I wouldn't want
to break up a marriage,

like those...

Two homewreckers.

Those jackals.

Adulterers.

Fornicaters!

Well, I...

Oh, for god's sakes!

Boy, this is one for the books.

God help us all.

Just no commentary,
please. Skip it,

and just give us
the report, please.

All right. I followed
them everywhere.

The supermarket,
the movie theater,

to the golf course.

Last night I got what I wanted
at the sea shamy restaurant.

Well, let's hear the tape.

Yeah, let's. I don't want
to hang around here

any longer than I gotta.

We've put this off too long.

Well, we want to be
sure about some things.

[Dishes crash]

Busboy dropped a tray.

What did she say? I
couldn't hear a thing.

What did you say.

I said I can't go
through with it.

I just can't hurt norm.

I feel exactly the same
way. I can't hurt norm, either.

Ha ha ha!

Well, I guess that's that.

I just realized in a strange
kind of way I still love him,

with all his faults.

He's never home. He always
hangs out at some bar downtown.

As far as our sex life goes,

he's not exactly Don Juan.

It's more like Don of the dead.

I think we get the gist here.

So, nothing went on.

Nothing. Vera and Ron happen
to be 2 of the sweetest people

I ever ran across.

They actually changed my
mind about this filthy business.

Then I walk in here,

and I'm right back in the sewer.

Well, you'll pardon
me if I go home now.

Suddenly, I feel like a shower.

You don't...

I'm going to miss him.

I...

Well...

That's good news,
then, right, norm?

Yeah, I guess so.

So I guess we
don't have to go out

and find somebody
to have an affair with.

Guess not.

Norm, can I ask you something?

Yeah.

When we kissed before,

did anything happen?

Of course something happened.
Why would you ask that?

I mean, you don't believe what
Vera said about our sex life, do you?

No, no. Not at all.

It's just that...

Well, you know...

Just because Ron and Vera

didn't do anything,

doesn't mean that we have to...

What I'm trying to say is,

when we kissed,
something happened to me.

When I heard that tape, Phyllis,

something happened to me.

I realized how much
Vera means to me.

Well, why don't you run on
home to your precious little wife?

I'm going to do just that.

Right after a couple more beers.

I'm sorry, norm.

Oh, no. No.

You know, in a strange
kind of way, I like Vera.

That's the only
kind of way you can.

Oh, stop it!

Yeah, I kind of like her, too.

You know, she's a lucky woman.

Go on.

You are a definite hunk.

Bye-bye.

Norm Peterson...

Hunk.

Hi there.

Get lost.

Right.