Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 6 - I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Ok, who's next?

Make way for norm!

Come on in, Mr. Peterson!

We've got the
bathroom stuffing record!

World's record,

here we come!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

We did it!

Congratulations!
Drinks are on me!

Yay! Yay! Yay!



The door's stuck.

It won't budge.

There's too many people in here.

Bartender must've stepped out.

Have a seat. I got to
use the bathroom, ok?

Occupied! Occupied!

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪



♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪♪

Aw, norm, we had the bathroom
stuffing championship in our grasp

and we blew it.

Oh, gee, I see how I miscounted.

I had myself down here twice.

See, "Woody" and "me."

Here's to noble failure, huh?

Norm, I can't drink to that.

There's nothing
noble about failure.

If there was, you'd be a Duke.

Diane, hold it.
Those aren't empty.

Sorry, guys.

I'm a little distracted tonight.

Oh, yeah? You got problems,
Diane, or just the usual?

What do you mean, "the usual"?

You know, just
how you usually are.

How am I usually?

So you're distracted, huh?

Yes, I have to come up with
$500 as quickly as possible?

What for, hush
money for miss clairol?

No. But I love the new thing

you've done with your hair.

I think you should
continue washing it.

Continue...

That was totally uncalled for.

So what do you
need 500 bucks for?

Well, are you familiar with the
"farthing for your thoughts" bookstore?

I've dallied there
betimes, yeah.

Very funny, Norman.

Anyway, I was browsing
there this morning

when I unearthed a
rare Hemingway volume.

Oh, I know what
everybody's thinking,

"Diane chamber's sensibilities
attuned to Hemingway?"

Wow, that's really close.

Anyway, I discovered that
Hemingway's signature's in the book,

and it's priced at
a laughable $500.

The owners of the store obviously
don't know what they're doing.

It's right there
on the title page,

"Ernest Hemingway,
Madrid, 1927."

Why don't you ask that
rich old lady of yours?

She's got more money than
me and god put together.

No, I can't ask mummy.

I'd rather die.

I'd like that even better.

I told her long ago I was
going to prove my own worth.

I refuse to go to
her begging now.

Oh, come on,
Diane, she's your ma.

She carried you for nine months.

Eight. I was premature.

Couldn't wait to get
out and start yapping.

It has occurred to me

that I could possibly
get the money

right here at cheers.

If you can't rely on friends,

who can you rely on?

I thought maybe I could ask Sam.

Sure. You bet.

He's got a lot of money.

But I don't know, given
our past relationship,

I just don't think
I'd feel comfortable

borrowing from him.

On the other hand, I don't
know where else to turn.

Well, miss chambers, I'm gonna
give you every bit of money I have.

Oh, no, Woody.

No, no. I insist.

Oh, wow, that's wonderful.

I must have got my
pockets picked again.

Well, welcome to the big city.

Thank you, Mr. Clavin.

Woody...

Thanks for trying to help.

Thanks.

Well, I guess I have no choice.

Now, how best to approach Sam?

I could appeal
to his generosity,

his good nature,

and it wouldn't
hurt to remind him

that I'm a woman.

I'd carry a sign.

[Knock on door]

Sam?

Is now a bad time?

No, but I think
it's about to be.

You goose.

Sam, would you say that
our relationship has matured?

If you mean getting
kind of old, yeah.

You're a regular Noel coward

with a liquor license.

I don't get it.

I'm painfully aware of that.

Sam... I know you to be

a man of pride and principle,

but strength is also to be found

in the ability to bend.

Witness the Willow,

nature's strongest tree.

No, I thought the oak
was the strongest tree.

Only in furniture.

What about the saying,
"strong as the mighty oak."

The oak can be felled
by a single harsh wind

under the right circumstances.

All right, well, what
about birch or mahogany?

Would you shut up
about the damn trees!

You brought them up.

Sam, would you
loan me $500, please?

Sure.

I haven't even told
you what it's for yet.

Well, it doesn't matter.

Use it for whatever
you babes buy...

Hair curlers, clothes,
sewing notions, whatever.

It's nothing as trivial as that.

Hey, listen, I mean
it, it doesn't matter.

Really, I know how
hard it was for you

to come in here begging
like a dog for a bone.

So I'm just trying
to be sensitive

and not make things worse.

Thank you for making
it easy for me, Sam.

This really is an
extraordinary attitude.

Well, the truth is I've
had a lot of trouble

loaning people
money in the past.

You know, hurt
a lot of feelings,

lost a couple of buddies once,

so I decided from now
on, anybody asks me,

I'm just gonna
give 'em the money

and never expect
to see it again.

Oh, you'll see it again.

Diane chambers
always honors her debts.

Hey, I could care less, really.

You walk out that door,

I'm not even gonna think
about that money anymore.

You'll see it again.

All right.

Thank you, Sam. Yeah.

You handled this even
better than I expected.

Even so, it was hard to
come in here and ask for this

given our past
physical relationship.

Yeah. Kinda feels like you
should be giving me the money,

doesn't it?

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!

Norman.

What's the good word, norm?

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.

Aw!

Not the hungry heifer?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One heartburn
cocktail coming up.

What is this hungry heifer place
you guys keep talking about?

It's this terrible restaurant

where norm insists
on torturing himself.

Hey, you're always giving
the hungry heifer a bad rap.

I don't get it.

So I've had a few
bad meals there.

It's the best value in town.

Woody, their steaks
come by the pound.

Wow! The steaks are that big?

No, that's where they get them.

I'll have to try it sometime.

I recommend Thursday
night. That's when

the chef does his
tribute to swine.

Sam...

Two vodka tonics
and a Rob Roy, please.

By the way, Sam, has
Diane paid back that loan yet?

No, Carla, she hasn't.

But I could care less.

Not one dime?

It's been two weeks
already, hasn't it?

Yes, Carla, it has.

She can't expect her to repay
that kind of money overnight.

She's just a
hard-working waitress.

Diane got a job as a
waitress somewhere?

Sam, could you also
give me change, please?

You bet.

All right.

My, what a lovely
sweater, Diane.

Well, thank you, Carla.

Is it new?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

How nice of you to notice.

Well, how could
I help but notice

such a beautiful garment?

Cashmere, unless
I miss my guess.

Yes, it is.

Must've cost you an
arm and a leg, huh?

No, no. It was marked down
2% at haute and bothered.

Well, we girls deserve
to splurge on ourselves

once in a while.
Don't you think, Sam?

I could care less.

All right, I'm ready
for a beer, Sam.

Hey, what's Mr. Clavin doing?

You're not gonna believe this,

but he's trying to get
into the record book

for walking backwards.

Uh... everybody afternoon good.

That's "good afternoon,
everybody" backwards.

And you're an assjack.

How close are you
to the record, cliff?

Well, in two days,

17 hours, 33 minutes,

I'll be backing myself into the
history books, thank you, Sammy.

I think I'll just take
a quick reverse strut

around the old pool table,

pick up some women backwards.

All right, I know you guys
think cliff is pretty weird,

but I'll say this much for him...
he'll probably never reproduce.

Hey, that looks pretty good.

Mmm. You should just taste it.

What is it?

It's lobster salad.

Lobster?

Was there a sale on that stuff?

This time of year?
Are you kidding?

Like a bite?

No. No, no, thanks.

No, it's ok. I got too much.

I'll just end up
feeding it to a cat.

No, thank you. Thanks, anyway.

I lost my appetite here

for some reason.

She's got new shoes, too.

Who does?

You know who,

the one dribbling lobster
all over her cashmere.

I could care less.

You know something, Sam,

Diane certainly borrowed
this money from the right guy.

I mean, here she is, throwing
her cash around like water

and she owes you a bundle.

Most people I know
would be going crazy now,

especially if they knew

what she spent that money on.

Hey, what do I got to do,
tell you over and over again?

I don't want to know
what she spent it on.

I don't care what
she spent it on,

I'm not interested in
what she spent it on.

Sam, by the way, I'm gonna
be a little late tomorrow.

I'm having a facial
and a massage.

What did she spend it on?

A book.

A book.

A book.

One book?

One single $500 book.

And it's already been a movie.

A book?

Excuse me...

Would anybody like
to buy some cookies?

Oh, I'd love to.

I just can't refuse.

I'll take three boxes.

Thank you, ma'am.

And thank you.

There's a little something
extra there for you.

Wow, thank you!

Oh, I just love these things.

Aren't you going to ask
Sam if he'd like some?

Of course I am. Care
for a cookie, Sam?

Oh, don't worry, I have
a lot more at home.

Help yourself.

Don't mind if I do.

Ooh, those are delicious!

I think I'll have
a few more here.

All right, but once you start,
you just can't stop, can you?

I probably shouldn't
have had that last one.

Kind of like my
cookies this way.

Takes the work out
of chewing, you know?

Hey, Diane, I'm so
sorry about this afternoon.

I don't know what happened.

I feel like a sack of dirt.

Don't be so hard
on yourself, Sam.

I'm sure you're not
the first man in history

to throw a frothing fit
over "Nana doodles."

I just don't know
what came over me.

I do.

Despite your assurances,

you do not lend money

with the sang-froid you claim.

I would like to see
you in your office.

I have something
I want to give you.

How about a good
spanking? I think I deserve it.

For some mysterious reason,

you seem to have doubted
my good intentions to repay you.

What's the mystery? I
haven't seen dime one.

Believe me, I fully intend
to return all your money.

To prove my good faith,

I'm going to give you what
I purchased with the $500

for you to hold as collateral

until I repay you.

God, it really is a book.

It's a book, and a
very valuable book.

It's a first edition Hemingway.

The sun also rises.

Boy, that's real profound.

I purchased it for $500,

but I'm sure it's worth
a great deal more.

It's signed by Ernest
Hemingway himself.

For 500 bucks, you'd
think margaux Hemingway

would come over to your
house and act it out for you.

I'm taking a big risk

entrusting this to you, Sam.

Please, go put it in the safe.

And whatever you do, don't
let anything happen to it.

Don't touch it, don't scratch
it, don't scratch with it.

Hey, you know, you
really make me angry

when you treat me
like some kind of animal.

I'm sorry, Sam.

It won't happen again.

Just put it in the safe, please.

I'm sure there's room in there
right next to your bowl of kibble.

Smells boring.

Mr. Clavin, you're
walking forward.

What happened to the record?

I was hours away,
and I met utter defeat.

That's too bad.

Yeah, it's doubly tragic.

If I'd have had a witness,

I would've gotten the world's
record for the loudest scream

after I backed into
ma's curling iron.

Well, I'll tell you
something, Mr. Clavin,

whether you set
the record or not,

everyone here
considers you a winner.

That's pronounced "wiener."

Hey, hey!

Diane around yet?

Not yet.

Good. Does anybody
know how to fix this?

What is it?

Well, it's Diane's $500 book.

No wonder it's so expensive.

It's inflatable.

No, it's not supposed
to look like that.

What the heck happened to that?

Well, I got interested in the darn
thing and I took it home with me.

Picture this...

I get into a nice hot tub.

I'm lying down to soak
and read, naked as a jaybird.

And I'm reading,
and I'm reading...

Hold on. I can't get
one of your socks off.

Never mind. I can.

Anyway, I'm reading and reading,

and I finally come to the part

where they tell
us the terrible thing

that happened to Jake
Barnes guy during the war.

What's that?

Well, let's just say that suddenly
he could hit those high notes

like he never could before.

Ouch!

Yeah, ouch. That's why I
dropped the book in the water.

Now the darn thing won't shut.

All right, just rip out
every other page.

Come on, man! Diane's
gonna be really angry at me.

She told me not to touch it.

I touched it, and now it's fat.

Hello, everybody.

Hi. Hey, how's it going?

Splendidly.

How's my precious volume?

Fine. Why do you
even bring it up?

Don't be so sensitive.

I just asked because I bought

the most beautiful
antique bookstand for it.

Oh. Is it expandable?

It's very nice. It's very nice.

The perfect complement
to my inscribed first edition

the sun also rises.

Isn't it exquisite?

Excuse me. My
name is Bruce sayers.

I'm an avid collector of 20th
century American literature.

Hello. Diane chambers.

I heard you say that you have
an inscribed sun also rises.

Is it in good condition?

Oh, it's a lovely copy.
No jacket, of course,

but signed by papa himself.

And it's a a lovely
thought. "Dear f. Scott,

boy, that Zelda is
one crazy chick."

It's a simple autograph.

I wonder if it
might be for sale?

No, I couldn't possibly
place a monetary value

on something so personal to me.

I'd give you $1,000 for it.

Make the check out
to Diane chambers.

Sam, will you get this
man's Hemingway?

No, you can't do that.

No, it's perfect. Now
I can pay you back.

No, you can't sell the book.

You love the book, Diane.

Sam, we love people.

We own books.

Besides, even as a child,

I found Hemingway to be

pretentious and overmannered...

For my taste.

Sam, go get it from the safe.

Safe, all right. Yeah.
This may take a minute.

The safe... the
combination's kind of complex.

Don't you remember?
It's your birthday!

It is? Hell, I should be
out there celebrating.

Go, Sam.

[Knock on door]

Sam?

Yeah?

I thought it would be better

to conduct our
business in private.

What's taking you so long?

Well, I was just thinking...

Say no more.

You know, I was
about to open the safe,

and this little voice in
the back of my head said,

"don't let Diane sell the book.

She loves that book."

The voice was wrong.

Open the safe.

I completely understand
the value of sentiment,

but I must have that book.

Yeah. Me, too.

That's why I'm going
to give you $1,010.

Sam!

$1,100.

$1,110.

Do you know what you're doing?

$1,150.

I know it sounds crazy,

but when I was getting
your book out of the safe,

very carefully,

I started to look
through the pages

very, very carefully,

and I, well, I fell in
love with the darn thing.

You're serious, aren't you?

Yeah, you bet I am.

$1,160.

It must be an
extraordinary specimen.

$1,175.

$1,200.

Stop! Enough.

You're throwing around
monetary figures here

as if they had a
place in the art world.

Sam Malone, you've
taught me a lesson

about the true
value of literature.

I'm sorry, the book
is no longer for sale.

I want Sam to have it.

All right!

Hey, I hope there are
no hard feelings here,

sayers, old man.

Well, I can't say
I'm not disappointed,

but it's heartening to know
there are people around like you,

people who love books.

Love? I just wish
you could eat them.

I don't know what to say.

I'm looking at you in
an entirely new light.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't know myself,

but I think tonight

I saw in full flower

the sensitivity you
try so hard to conceal.

Oh, well, that's no big deal.

Oh, no!

You were wonderful!

Well, I guess my little
masquerade is over.

I am sensitive as all get out.

Honestly, Sam, I don't know

what brought about this change,

but I find myself extremely
attracted to you just now.

Something's stirring inside me.

I don't know what it is,

but I'm becoming flushed.

Maybe it is getting
a little hot in here.

Very hot.

Do you mean all I have to
do is go nuts over a book?

I know it's crazy. All the
warning signals are flashing.

I never intended
for this to happen.

But it's out of my
control. Kiss me, Sam.

The truth is,

I've been thinking about
getting a lot more books.

Maybe even
getting a library card.

Oh, Sam!

What?

Isn't it amazing
how life works out?

When we woke up this morning,

who would have guessed
that we'd end the day this way?

Just look. You have
a beautiful book,

I made myself
a tidy little profit,

and we're in each other's arms.

Mm-hmm. A tidy little profit?

Yes. Your last bid was $1,200.

You're expecting $1,200 from me?

No, of course not,
you big foolish man.

I intend to deduct
the $500 I owe you,

and you really only owe me $700.

But let's stop talking
and start rejoicing.

Hold me, Sam.

Sam, you're holding
me a little tight.

Sam...

I can't breathe.