Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 7 - 2 Good 2 Be 4 Real - full transcript

Cliff: Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Let me help you with that, Sam.

It's ok, Woody. I'm
not as old as I look.

Really?

Sam, I don't know if
this would interest you,

but I have an extra ticket tonight
for Jacques brell is alive and well

and living in Paris.

Ahh, he's not doing that
underwater stuff anymore?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Jacques brell was
a Belgian balladeer

who wrote songs of great passion
and power in the fifties and sixties.



You mean like, uh...

Who put the bop in the
bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop?

Ah, so you're busy.

Who put the bop?

Yeah. You remember
that? The great old song,

right up there with yakety yak.

Yakety yak?

Come on, you remember
the coasters, don't you?

No.

You're kidding.

How about the
shirelles or the platters

or Dixie cups?

Sorry.

You don't remember
any of those old groups?



Oh, old groups.
You mean like devo.

Maybe you better take this.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Off to class, huh?
What do you got today?

Ahh, sissy French
painters of the 17th century.

As a matter of
fact, I'm on my way

to my beginning meem class.

Meem?

Most people pronounce it mime.

Mime?

Yeah, you know, Woody,

those guys with white
paint all over their faces,

so bouncy and happy you
just wanna strangle them.

You're not serious.

Everyone loves a meem.

No, everybody loves a clown.
Everybody hates a mime.

That's simply not true.

Well, you know, I saw this
guy in the common one day.

Did an amazing performance.

He did a crane,

a mother crane
feeding its young.

Turns out, the guy's actually
choking on a piece of gum.

I was moved, frankly.

Norm, you can make
light of it all you want,

but it is an ancient art form.

It has been around since
the times of Caesar augustine.

Yeah? So are those socks
you're wearing. Who cares?

You know, it is the purest
form of communication.

Diane, why don't you give
us a little exhibition here?

Oh, I couldn't. I'm
really just a novice.

I've only had 3
lessons. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Diane the mimette.

All right, she's starting
off here with your basic

cop directing traffic.

[Sam laughs]

Segueing into a waiter
carrying a heavy tray of dishes.

Yeah, it's good.

Completing it with the
midget imitating Judy garland.

Very nice. Bravo, bravo.

Yeah, good.

It was a person trapped
in a shrinking box.

I'd say you better
scurry off to class.

You got a lot of
practicing to do.

Now that I know.

Hey, Sammy, mail in?

Yeah. Here you go, Carla.

You expecting something special?

Oh, I don't wanna talk about it.

It's too depressing.

Oh, come on. We're
your buddies here.

Yeah, you don't wanna
keep that stuff inside.

It'll eat you up.

That's what I need...

You chowderheads trying
to solve my problems.

Come on, now. I'd say that 4
brains plus whatever cliffy has

are better than one.

Come on. We wanna
help. Let us help.

Ok, ok. Try this one for size...

In case you haven't noticed,

my luck with men hasn't
been so great lately.

In fact, all my dates
fall into 2 categories...

Geeks and those studying
to enter the geekhood.

So in order to increase my odds,

I decided to enlist the
full resources of the media.

I put this ad in the
personals of Boston scene,

so it's been 2 weeks,
and no one has answered.

Can you help with that?

Well, all right, give
us a second here.

Guys...

Hey... Yeah. What?

You got a crack in the
ceiling there, Sammy.

Just what I thought.
Thanks, guys.

Oh, come on, come on.
We're just kidding now.

We're gonna really help.

Why would he write
you here, anyway?

You think I want
some sex-starved creep

camped out on my doorstep?

One of my neighbors
might get him first.

Let me see the
ad. Which one is it?

Right there after "speed
eater seeks same."

All right, all right.

"Divorced female,

warm, witty, and Italian
in every way except fat."

Sounds good so far.

Yeah. "33, 5'1/4",
dark-brown hair,

"brown eyes, no visible
scars, tattoos or birthmarks,

"seeking possible
serious relationship.

Note: I have 6 children.
This is not a misprint. 6."

Oh, my, I can't believe. Not
one guy has answered this?

Carla, my dear,

you're forgetting the basic
principle of advertising...

Lying.

Oh, sure, I can tell
'em I got no kids, right?

I could tell 'em
that I'm 21, 5'9",

gorgeous green
eyes, flaming red hair,

and ta-tas till Tuesday.

How am I gonna explain the
way I really look when he sees me?

Stress?

All right, next
time I spill my guts,

remind me to do
it in front of friends.

I was just trying
to cheer you up.

I am in no mood
to be cheered up.

Next guy tries to cheer me up
is gonna get open-face surgery.

[Whistles]

I don't get it. She's got ta-tas
till Monday afternoon at least.

Boy, she's really bad off.
We gotta think here now.

Come on, put
ourselves in her place.

What would I do if I
couldn't get a date?

Who am I kidding?

Why don't one of us write her?

Yeah, you wanna date her?

No, no, no. No, I think he means
why don't we make up a guy?

I don't know, man.
Make up a guy?

Too risky, too risky.

Yeah, she'd suspect something
the minute she met him.

No, no, we wouldn't
have to let it go that far.

In the meantime, we're giving
her hope, a little confidence...

The more confident she is,
the more attractive she'll feel.

Make her more
attractive to some real guy

or something like that.

Sounds good.

All right, I'm in.

We're in. All for one
and one for all, right?

Gee, Mr. Clavin, your
hands are soft like a girl's.

My feet have got calluses on 'em
just like every other part of my body.

Woody, get me some paper there.

Hey, Carla's gonna
love this, don't you think?

I hope she realizes what
great friends she has here.

She will. And if she doesn't,

what do you say we have
this guy dump all over her?

Good idea.

We don't have
anything with lines.

That's ok. I'll be careful.

Ok, before we start writing,

I suggest we just figure
out who exactly this guy is.

Hey, we're making him up. He
can be anybody we want him to be...

Doctor, ski instructor.

No, that's the point. If
the guy's too fabulous,

she'll be onto us in a second.

All right. It's gotta be somebody
who's not in her league usually.

We can make him a postman.

Nah, nah, too much.

You guys, we're sunk already.

She asked for a picture.

No, wait a second.
We're back afloat here.

Check this out. How's
this for your basic stud?

Oh, yeah, he's great. Who is he?

No idea. Just
came with the wallet.

Hey, look at this.
Letter for Carla tortelli.

What?

My goodness.

Let me see. Come on, come on.

What's the magic word?

Gelding.

That's the one. Yeah.

What is it, Carla?

Someone or thing had
the nerve to answer my ad.

Ok, everybody gather
round for a good laugh.

"My dearest Carla...

I was intrigued by
your warm, honest ad."

"I'll be candid as well.

I was married myself,
but, sadly, it failed."

Waah-waah.

"I'm not much for bars."
Hmm. "Or the single scene.

"I prefer a quiet
night, a warm fire,

and pleasant company."

Very sensitive.

Hmm..."I'd love to meet
you soon, but, unfortunately,

"my job as an
international airline pilot

keeps me real busy flying places
most people only dream about."

Whoo.

Talking adventuresome.

"For the moment, then,

we'll have to depend on
the u.S. Postal service."

No trouble there.

"Sincerely, Mitch Wainwright.

P.s. I love kids."

Oh, no, you're kidding me.

Boy, whoo, you really hit the
mother lode there, didn't you?

Ahh, I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

What do you want?

Well, I guess he does
sound kind of... Great.

You bet he does.

Carla, you have
no way of knowing

if this man is telling
the truth about himself.

Don't you think
I thought of that?

But if this guy is only
half as good as he sounds,

he's twice as good as any
of the dirtbags I've ever dated.

Just wish he sent a picture.

He did.

What? He probably did.

He usually... check
in the envelope there.

There is a picture.

Oh, yeah?

[Squeals] Come to mama.

Look at that guy. Whoo!

Handsome, yeah.

Good vibes, huh?

There's something suspicious
about this whole situation.

No, there's nothing
suspicious here.

How do you know?

I know, I know.

Sam... is this your handiwork?

Uhhhhhh...

I can't believe you did
something this stupid.

She was depressed.

We were just trying to
help her out, that's all.

Nothing's going to
top the depression

of going after the
man of her dreams

and finding you there.

Believe me, I know
whereof I speak.

There's no way
she's gonna find out.

Hey, this guy looks familiar.

Where have I seen
this face before?

Er, uh, probably the airport.

Yeah, pilots hang out there.

All the time.

I got it. He's in a frame

I just bought at woolworth's.

You're kidding.

Oh, my god. He's a model, too.

Hey.

[All snicker]

So, did Carla get
the latest edition

of the Mitch gazette yet?

She's in the back
reading it right now.

Have you noticed how Carla's
kind of perking up lately?

I'll admit, she's
much less repulsive.

Bordering on sufferable,

but that doesn't make
what you're doing right.

Oh, come on. Give her
her moment in the sun there.

I mean, after all, you
had yours with me.

You're not referring
to that nanosecond

under a penlight, are you?

Oh, no.

What is that?

Little surprise I
have for you, Sam.

I hate surprises.

And you know what else I hate.

Bravo.

Sam, I'd like you to
meet lev agajanian,

better known as sotto the mime.

Sotto, this is Sam Malone.

Oh, hi.

That's very funny, very funny.

Get him out of here, please.

Sam, be nice. Sotto is our
mime in residence at the college

and a visitor to this country.

Whatever.

Hi! My name's Woody Boyd!

Woody, you don't have to shout.

Oh, he's a lip reader.

Sam, what would you say

if I told you that sotto
has generously offered

to entertain your customers? No.

Oh, please. No.

I predict that by the
end of the evening,

you'll have fallen in
love with this art form.

And sotto will have picked
up a lot of spare change.

This is the stuff I hate.

Sam, this is his art.

Well, just keep his
art out of my face.

Aw, thank you, Sam.

Hey, would you please
get of my bar there?

You won't regret this.

So where's your fly boy
off to this time, Carla?

Cairo.

He's gonna buzz the
sphinx for me in his 747.

Oh, good lord.

Even the stick's jealous.

I just can't wait to meet
this guy face to face.

Although I am gonna
play hard-to-get.

I intend to meet him
with all my clothes on.

Carla, since you mentioned it,

when are you going to
meet this Mitch fellow?

Well, he's doing the
Paris to Bombay flight now.

I have to wait till they switch
him back to the domestic route.

You know, life's funny.

How's that?

I mean, today, I'm with
Mitch on top of the world.

And just a couple of weeks ago,

I'd have settled for fish
bait like Vinnie claussen.

Who's Vinnie claussen?

Some loser who had the
nerve to answer my ad.

Uh, uh, Carla, hold
on a second here.

Listen, maybe you
should reconsider this.

Uh, Mitch is out of town a lot.

Maybe you might
like this Vinnie guy.

Yeah, there's nothing
wrong with playing the field.

Except with someone
who's grazing in it.

Look at this guy.

Fetch.

Take a look at him.
He's not that bad-looking.

Yeah, but next to Mitch,
he looks like a weasel.

But looks aren't
everything, Carla.

Vinnie... I bet he's got a
lot of stuff going for him.

I don't know about you,
but being a funeral director

seems darn-near as
thrilling as aviation to me.

Yeah, flowers, limousines.

Hey, forget it, all right.

I'm through with
bozos like that.

I'm at the university
of Mitch now.

Well, I hope you're
all proud of yourselves.

Carla's now turning down
living, breathing human beings

for your mythical aviator.

Guys, how come we
didn't see this one coming?

Oh, this from a
group who, every year,

fails to see winter coming.

Thanks for reminding me, Diane.

I gotta take those screens down.

Hey, Sam, what time
does the floor show end?

Yeah, it got it, I got it.

Hey, come here, come here.

Listen, sotto,

we gotta talk.

Yeah, all right, all right.

No, don't do this.

Listen.

That's very clever, yeah.

Listen, you've
been here 3 hours.

This is just not working out.

I'm gonna start
losing customers here.

I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

Now, I want you to beat it.

Oh, god, don't tempt me, man.

Don't tempt me.

Sam, is there a problem?

Yeah, get him out of here

before there's clown
white all over the walls.

All right, fine. Uh, sotto...

I think my attempt
at enlightening Sam

has failed.

I'm afraid you're
going to have to go.

So I'll see you tomorrow.

I know. I know what
will win them over.

Do your robot that winds down.

Uh-huh.

Wonderful. You are a master.

What control.

Ah, mime-putting.

Same time tomorrow?

He spoke. It's a miracle.

Yeah, ok, all
right. From now on,

nobody works in this bar that
wears more make-up than you do.

All right.

Excuse me. My name
is Vinnie claussen.

How do you do?

You don't look like a weasel.

Thank you. Neither do you.

Is Carla tortelli here?

Oh, just a minute.

Hey, Carla... Hmm?

Vinnie claussen's
here to see you.

What's he doing here?

Well, you better
not watch this, kid.

You're about to see a
guy's dreams dashed

on the rocks of tortelli point.

Carla? Yep.

I-i-I'm Vinnie claussen.

Yeah, I know. I got your letter.

Already. I was hoping to
meet you before you got it.

I don't express myself
very well on paper,

and it's not the
best picture of me.

Vinnie, really, I
don't wanna see you

making a fool of yourself

in front of all these people.

Fact of the matter is,
someone beat you to me.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry to hear that.

Especially now that I met you.

Well, uh, I'd offer her
as a consolation prize,

but you're probably
sick of dealing with stiffs.

Well, guess I'll
be leaving, then.

Yeah, better luck next time.

Sam.

Vinnie, let me buy
you a drink, would you?

Take care of him.

Carla, can I talk to you
for a second, please?

So, how long you been
interested in dead guys?

Uh, listen, before I start,
do me a favor, will you?

Stick your hands in your pockets

and keep 'em
there until I finish.

What's going on?

Just humor me, will you?

Ok, but don't start in on me

about going out with
this claussen guy.

He's all right,
but he's no Mitch.

Listen to me.
Mitch doesn't exist.

The guys and I made him up.

You what?

You were so depressed,

we figured we had
to do something,

so we made the guy
up, wrote the letters,

and rented a post office
box for you to write to him.

Ow! Damn. Ow. I forgot the feet.

You are scum. You are the
scum that scum scrapes off

the bottom of their shoes.

You're always looking at the
negative side to everything.

I hate your guts. I
hate every one of you.

Why did you do this? What
was it, some big laugh?

You wanted to see
me get all moony-eyed,

and then yank the rug out.

You get a big laugh
there, huh, huh? No?

Then what did you do it for?

What did you think
was gonna come of this?

We had that covered. We
weren't gonna let you get hurt.

When it came time
to meet the guy,

we were gonna have the plane
go down in the south pacific.

Ow!

[Lady screams]

Sorry.

Hey, just drop dead twice.

Carla, wait. Wait. Now, there's
something you don't understand.

What they did was imbecilic,
moronic, and ill-conceived.

That's the way. Sugarcoat it.

But it was not done to
make you the butt of a joke.

It was done because your
friends saw their dear friend hurting,

and they wanted to help.

Now, you can either
walk out of here angrily,

or you can trust your
friends and forgive them...

And take advantage of the
opportunity seated at the bar.

Why don't you give
the guy a chance?

I mean, he answered your
ad. He's dying to date you.

Hey, where do you
think you're going?

Oh, I finished my drink.

Sit down!

Nice touch. Nice touch.

Does this mean you're
gonna go out with him?

I'm thinking about it.

Actually, in a dimly-lit bar,

he's not the worst
thing I've ever seen.

Writes a good letter.

Probably give
him as big a thrill

as this Mitch guy was giving me.

Get out of here.

What do you say?

Oh, all right,
you're off the hook.

Just tell me one thing...

Who wrote all those lovey parts?

Oh, that was my department.

You did a real good job.

I'm sorry if I got
carried away there.

But with you, it's kind of easy.

So they say.

So, uh, how do you feel
about girls on the rebound?

Oh, I've dated a
few. Mostly widows.

Yeah, let's get
out of here, huh?

Oh, I know this
real nice restaurant.

Great, great.

So, uh, you like kids, huh?

Like 'em? I love 'em.

I got 7 of my own.

Carla...

I'm joking. I'm only joking.

Hey, Vinnie, could
you do me a favor?

Just for tonight,

could you pretend
that your name is Mitch

and that you're
an airline pilot?

Well, I guess, if you'll
call yourself raven

and pretend you're
a Vegas showgirl.

You're weird. I like that.