Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 5 - Diane's Nightmare - full transcript

Diane: Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Ok, guys. Time's almost up.

Well, how do they
expect you to fill in words

with all the letters
mixed up like that?

That's the, uh, point
of the game, Woody.

Hey, Sam, where's Diane?

She's been burnin' the
midnight oil, studying for exams.

I'm... I'm letting her catch
a few winks in the office.

She couldn't catch winks

if she walked naked
through a troop train.

Gee, I wonder if she's
dreaming about me.



Fat chance.

That's it. Time's up.
What do you got?

You first.

I've got "grape, pear, and ear."

All right. Ah, well,

sorry, Woody. I got those 2,

so it cancels yours out,

but I've also got, uh,
"fork, flerk, and snuff."

Sam: Come on, man,

there's no such word as flerk.

What are you talkin' about?

You know those little
flags on the mailboxes?

What do you think holds 'em on?

Gee, Mr. Clavin,
you're so smart,



I don't even know why
I bother playin' with you.

You always win.

You know what I say, Woody?

You just gotta be tenacious.

Just like the great horned muen.

Hey, Woody, besides, you
almost beat me the last game.

Yeah, just missed
by a cat's pleck.

Yep.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

[Thunder]

Why, that's some
storm out there tonight,

huh, Mr. Clavin?

Yeah, well, to the
layman, perhaps, Woody,

but in my profession,
we have a saying...

"neither rain nor sleet
nor gloom of night

shall stay this courier from the swift
completion of his appointed rounds."

Cliff, my car has
stalled outside.

How about gettin' me
your jumper cables?

What, and catch my death?

Hit the bricks.

Appreciate it.

Sam, table 6 wants
a bottle of house red.

Woody, would you mind goin', uh,

down to the wine cellar

and get us some more, please?

Woody: Of course not.

You know, I used to
be afraid of the dark,

but, uh, I got myself over it.

Oh, yeah? How'd you do that?

Oh, well, I just shut my eyes

and pretended it wasn't there.

Wine cellar?

Since when have
we had a wine cellar?

Vodka, rocks, 2.

On your day off,

uh, I had a couple of
workers checkin' the plumbin',

and they discovered
that there was a staircase

behind the wall
in the closet there.

[Laughs] That's amazing.

You mean, it's just
been there all this time?

Yeah.

A long time ago, when this, uh,

was just a private house here,

the owners used to keep

their crazy old
grandmother down there.

They say that if
you're real quiet,

you can hear her chains rattle.

Supposedly, she swore
to seek vengeance

on blonde waitresses. Bleah!

[Cliff laughs] Sam: Bleah!

Very funny.

Good evening, everybody.

All: Norm!

Diane: Norman.

Still pourin', norm?

That's funny. I was about
to ask you the same thing.

Hey, some storm, huh?

Yeah. If I don't get
home to Vera soon,

that road's gonna be closed.

I'd say about another
half hour or so oughta do it.

Hey, Sam, where's the paper?

I wanna see what they
say about the storm.

Woody had it a minute ago.

Where is he, anyway?

Ah. Better go check on him.

It's been a whole week since I
taught him how to climb stairs.

Oh, here it is. Wait a minute.

I'll take that, Sammy.

I told, uh, Vera I'd check
for double coupons.

Ah, Norman, that's very sweet.

Yeah, you know, Diane,
marriage is a full-time job.

Yeah.

Ho. Hey, Diane.

Diane: Mm-hmm.
Remember that lunatic

who tried to strangle you

while you were doing that scene

from othello out there?

Yeah, what was his
name, Andy schroeder?

Norm: There he
is. What about him?

Uh, it says here that he
escaped from the state...

Aah!

Whoa, she does remember. Yeah.

Anyway, uh, it says here

he could be
dangerous. I don't know.

Hey, hey. Come on, Norman.

What does it say
about the storm?

Sam, didn't you hear that?

Andy-Andy, the man
who tried to kill me is loose.

Hey, calm down. No lunatic's

gonna go out on
a night like this.

He'd have to be nuts.

[Thunder]

Boy, I hope my new
wine cellar stays dry.

Where are those guys, anyway?

I'll go investigate for you,
Sammy. Sam: Thank you.

I've been anxious to, uh, check
out your salon de vin anyway.

Hey, look, if I'm any
more than 5 minutes,

send down some
cheese and crackers, huh?

[Thunder]

Kind of a spooky night, huh?

Sam...

How can you be so calm

knowing this man is free?

You've never
taken him seriously.

Just because he smiles at you

with that pink-cheeked,
round, kewpie doll face

and says, "hi there,"

you think he's harmless.

Well, he's not.

He's a cold-blooded,
homicidal maniac.

Hey, no guy is
gonna walk in here

into this brightly lit
bar and attack you.

[Thunder]

Sam: Probably not
in a dark one, either.

Diane: Oh, Sam.

All right. Quiet, everybody.

Just relax here. I
got candles now.

Norm: That's right, everybody.

Just keep calm, all right?

I mean, uh, no
reason to panic here.

Sammy, those taps operate

when the power's
out, don't they?

Why haven't the others
come up from the wine cellar?

Yeah, boy. They
sure have a knack

for pickin' the wrong
time to goof off, don't they?

All right. I'll go rouse
those guys out...

Or else, I'll just have
to Bury their bodies.

[Spooky laugh]

All right. That's it.

I'm calling the power company.

God, Sam, the phone is dead.

Oh, you're kidding.

Wow, no phone, no power.

Cut off from the outside world

on a stormy night with a
homicidal maniac on the loose...

Isn't that always just the way?

[Norm screams]

God, that was Norman.

What's happening?!
Oh, come on. Whoa.

You are such a sucker. Don't
you see what's happening?

They... they know you
found out about Andy,

and they're just trying
to scare you to death.

Now, why don't you go down there

and just get it over with?

I'm gonna go check the fuse box.

Oh, of course that's it.

Oh, I am such a goose. [Laughs]

Oh...

What should I expect
from this devilish crew?

Here I come. I'm
opening the door.

Well, uh...

I hope nobody's down here

because it sure would scare me

if people yelled out a
blood-curdling "boo."

Well, looks like the candle

is in on your little joke, too.

[Lighter clicks]

Why won't this light?

Hi there.

Aah!

What?! What?!

Oh, my god.

I just had the worst
nightmare of my entire life.

Ha.

Oh, by the way, Sam,
you were beastly to me.

Oh, really? Well, uh, how was I?

You weren't in it.

Of course.

Beastly? Can you be specific?

All right. Sam, I, um...

I don't think Diane's dreams

are anything you should
be meddling in. Uh...

Mmm, maybe you're right.

Starring in them
is enough, I guess.

You were having, uh, another one

of those dreams, weren't you?

Yes...

But it wasn't as bad this time.

Diane, you've got to stop this
nonsense about Andy-Andy.

You've been dreaming
about him for months now,

virtually since the
day you found out

he was released from
the state mental hospital.

Can you blame me?

The man tried
to kill me, frasier.

Look, Diane...

Listen. I've... I've
talked with him.

You what?

Yes, as soon as you
started having those dreams,

I... I found out where
Andy was living,

and I went to see him.

I wanted to learn if your
fears were unfounded,

and believe me, they are, Diane.

Now, I've counseled him
for several weeks now,

and his progress
has been remarkable.

Frasier, I don't believe this.

Look, I want you
to confront this fear.

I mean, just talk to the man.

Never.

Never, never,
never, never, never.

Diane, I sense resistance now.

Diane, I heard screams.

Oh, I dreamt I was
being murdered.

Was I the one who
was murdering you?

No.

Was I helping in any way?

Sam...

I'm still a bit shaken up.

May I have the rest of
the evening off, please?

You bet.

Thank you.

She came in, she fell asleep,

and now she's goin' home.

Diane, what you
need now is a little tlc...

"tender loving crane."

Oh...

Well, thanks anyway.

I'm... I'm sure I'll be fine.

After that nightmare,

maybe now, I can
sleep through the night

without being haunted
by that homicidal cherub.

Listen, at least let
me drive you home.

When you're this
close to hysteria,

you need the calming influence

of a strong and mature man.

Hi there.

[Both scream]

Diane? Yes?

The reason I came
here is to tell you

how deeply sorry I
am that I hurt you.

I also want you to know that
I'm... I'm leaving the country,

and it would mean so much to me

if I had your forgiveness.

Fine, you're
forgiven. Now, get out.

You can wish the man bon
voyage at least, for god's sake.

Yeah, you're right.

Andy, I hope everything
works out for the best.

Do you really mean that?

Yes.

Well, then, maybe
you could help me.

I, uh, I've fallen in love
with a wonderful girl,

and we're going to get married,

and I'd like you to meet her.

There's... there's
just one hitch.

You killed her.

She, uh...

She doesn't know about my
prison background... [Clears throat]

So I've... I've told
her a few tiny fibs,

like I have friends and a life.

And I've adopted
you people to be it.

She's coming here
to meet you all,

and... and I hope
you'll back me up.

I, uh, I, uh, I don't... don't
know about this, Andrew.

I disapprove. Norm:
Now, wait a second.

Now, if I could just throw
in my 2 cents' worth here,

I really couldn't give a
damn one way or the other.

Please, I...

All I'm asking

is for what society
promised me...

A chance to start over.

Wait a second here.
Uh, frasier, Diane,

let me talk to you over
here for a minute, will ya?

Be right back.

Come here.

Come on, let's sit
down over here.

Listen...

Is Andy cured or isn't he?

Oh, Sam, a trained psychiatrist

never uses the term "cured"

unless we're talking about ham.

Ha ha ha!

Sam: That's pretty good.

No, to wax serious,

Andy's progress has
been remarkable, and, uh...

And I'll... I'll vouch
for his stability.

Well, then I say let's help him.

I mean, we'll be
giving both of them

a new chance on life there.

By George, Sam.

Sometimes out of
the mouths of babes.

No, let's not talk women now.

What do you say, huh?

I'm not so sure about this.

Oh.

Well, Diane,

instead of dwelling
on the bad person

Andy used to be,

we reinforce the good
person he wants to be.

Oh, come on. Loosen up, will ya?

It might even be fun

if you'd unclench your
keister long enough.

Ha ha ha! That was pretty good.

Come on. Andy...

Andy, we're with you.

I really appreciate it.

Uh, listen, before
she gets here,

let me coach you on
the little lies I told her...

My god, she's early.

Wh-wh-what am I gonna do?

Please, everybody,

whatever I say, just...
just go along. Trust me.

All right.

Andy.

Cynthia!

Everybody,

this is Cynthia.

Hi, Cynthia.

I've heard so
much about you all.

Ha ha.

Andy, I really love your bar.

Andy's bar?

[Laughs]

Oh, you must be Sam.

Uh, yes, that's... that's right,

I'm... I'm Sam.

I'm really glad to see you

putting your life
back together again.

Well, I'm...

I'm trying.

Well, I really admire
Andy's philosophy

on giving ex-cons
a second chance.

Even a flasher.

Well, you know what they say,

"if you've got it, why not..."

Sam.

You must be Diane.

Indeed I am.

Poor, poor Diane.

Yes, well...

No, really, it's all right.

It's all right. He's
told me everything.

What did he tell you?

How you so wanted
to have his child.

And this... this, of course,

is frasier crane.

Oh...

It's a pleasure.

The poor wretch
you've been counseling.

Yes, he's, uh,
helped me quite a bit.

I hope so.

Are you still having trouble

with that... Little habit?

Habit?

What, uh, what little
habit is that, frasier?

Diane: Do tell, do tell.

It's an illness.

He's not ashamed
of it, are you, frasier?

Oh, certainly not.

Not exactly. Well, um...

[Clears throat] Not entirely.

All depends on the...

He's a kleptomaniac.

Oh, oh.

And not making much
progress, I'm afraid.

He shoplifted his
entire wardrobe.

Well, not all of it.

But, uh, these
pants are pretty hot.

Ha ha ha.

Sam, are we having a good night?

How much have I
got in the register?

Oh, I don't know.

It's been pretty slow,

probably not more
than about 50 bucks.

Are you kiddin'?

We must have a thousand in here.

Thank you, Woody.

I just thought the
owner should know.

I'll need the cash for my trip.

Oh, Andy, I don't know.

Oh, Sam, loosen up.

Unclench your cash register.

Listen, Andy, how about, uh,

tearin' up all my
unpaid bar chits

as kind of a little
going-away present?

Norm, you're a good
and valued customer,

but I can't do that.

Nice try there.

Do it yourself, big guy.

All right.

Hey, uh, that's great, Andy.

Hey, uh, how about me, pal?

Not a chance.

Well, looks like, uh,

you did a little better than I
thought you did there, Andy.

Let's see here. Uh, 100, 200...

Oh, don't bother
counting it, Sam.

I'll just take it all.

Say, look at the
time. We have to fly.

Diane, baby, for
old times' sake.

Ooh. Ooh.

The man just gives
and gives and gives.

Sam? Sam: Mmm?

Take care of my bar

and take care of
this old gal of mine.

It was nice meeting you all.

Carla: Oh, us, too.

And by the way,

I love your choker.

I'm not wearing a choker.

You will be.

Come on.

Bye!

Sam, you have to stop Andy.

He's taking all your money.

He'll be back.

Just give him a chance.

Are you crazy?

He's never coming
back. I'm calling the police.

Oh, come on. He's
coming back, Diane.

You know, I've made jokes

about your dearth
of living brain cells,

but it's not funny anymore.

Don't you get tired
of being wrong?

Thank you, everybody.

Uh, hold it a second, Andy.

Diane is making a
fool of herself here.

Sam, you guys made me look
like a big shot in Cynthia's eyes.

You guys were wonderful.

I'll never forget you.

I'm most touched that
you trusted me, Diane.

You had reason to fear
and to hate me the most.

Sam.

Oh, yeah.

Bye.

Sam, I'm sorry. I...

Sam? Wait.

How could I have been so wrong?

A lifetime of practice.

Sam?

Hmm?

Sam, I'm sorry.

I feel awful.

You were right. Please
accept my apology.

Oh, forget it, Diane.

I forgive you.

"The quality of
mercy is not strained.

"It droppeth as the
gentle rain from heaven

"upon the place beneath.

"It is twice blessed

"that blesseth him that gives

than him that takes."

Thank you, Sam.

What did you say?

I think you heard me.

Yes, but you said it.

Well, perhaps in his pithy way,

Blake said it best.

Oh, yeah. Um...

"And throughout
eternity, I forgive you,

and you forgive me."

I can't believe my ears.

Oh, come on, Diane.

You really didn't believe
that buffoonish facade

that I've been perpetrating

for the benefit of my
blue-collar clientele, did you?

Oh, my god.

My heart is racing, Sam.

Oh, dear.

Well, I know just the thing.

Perhaps a spot of chamomile tea

would calm you down.

There you go. Please.

Oh.

Careful.

Sam, I never found
you so attractive.

Oh. Well, how nice.

Listen, before we
take this any further,

would you mind sitting down?

I'd love to play you
a little something

from an opera that
I've been writing.

It's, uh, it's based
on the old testament.

It combines the brooding
intensity of marlowe

with the pesky
insouciance of poulenc,

and it goes something like this.

Sam?

Sam, take me now.

I want you.

Put the keyboard away,

and let me be the instrument

you play on.

Diane?

Yes?

Do you realize you just
ended that proposition

with a preposition?

Just have me.

Have me.

Oh, Diane. Diane. Diane.

Diane. Hey.

Uh...

Sam...

This may be a silly question,

but you don't have a velvet
smoking jacket, do you?

Hey, come on.

I'm smoking in any jacket.

What's... what is this?

What's going on? Of course.

I just had the weirdest dream.

I thought I was waking
up from a dream,

but I was in another dream.

And Andy came back.

Ooh. Oh, it was terrible.

And there was a
wine cellar here,

and we all went into it.

And frasier was a kleptomaniac,

and you were smart.

When did it get weird?

Hey, uh, Sam?

You want to come
continue this board game?

Woody's on the brink
of finding a syllable.

Ooh. Yeah.

Uh, whoa. Wait a second.

Um, you never told me
how that dream ended.

Did you and I...

Certainly not!

Wow. That really was
a bad dream, wasn't it?