Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Groom Wore Clearasil - full transcript

Carla: Hey. Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Hey, everybody. I got
a letter from my dog.

Pretty spiffy
handwriting for a dog.

Well, it's not
actually from my dog.

My mom writes the letters as
if they're from my dog Truman.

Weird beyond imagination.

Listen to this.

"Dear Woody,

"boy, what a great day I had.

"I pulled all the
laundry off the line,

"chewed up your
father's bowling shoes,



"and grabbed the yankee
pot roast off the table.

Yum, yum."

Isn't that cute?

Mutt eats better than I do.

"By the way, now that you're
not here to keep me in line,

"your mother's thinking
about putting me to sleep."

"I certainly
wouldn't blame her,"

"and I don't want you to,
either, after I'm gone..."

Sam, cover me. I
gotta make a phone call.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪



♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Drinks are up.

Right away.

[Sighs]

I need a vodka Gibson up,

a bloody Mary,

a Johnnie Walker
black, 2 Beck's,

and change for a 20.

Change for a 20, Sam.

Damn!

Carla's been on the
phone for 2 hours here.

She probably got an
obscene phone call

and won't let him off.

Ok.

5, 10, 10, 20.

Can you believe it, Sam,

how far I've come?

Right before you eyes,

I've turned into a
waitressing machine.

Even in this pandemonium,

I have everything
perfectly under control.

There you go.

And...

Here's your change for the 20.

Thank you.

See what I mean?

Always sit at her station.

Did you hear that, Sam?

Uh-huh.

It's still busy.

Sam, I've gotta get home

and start preparing
for that interview

for the part-time job.

What interview?

Well, you know,

the teaching
assistant at the college.

Oh, right, right, right.
All right, go on. Take off.

Woody and I will
take care of you here.

Thanks.

Listen, don't fall
in that same trap

you did with Sumner.

Sam...

My intimate
relationship with Sumner

had nothing to do...

With the fact that I was
his teaching assistant.

Sumner took advantage of a...

Naive young coed.

I have learned since
then from bitter experience.

I'm older, wiser, and...

I have a lot more
units under my belt.

Yo, Woody.

Give me a refill, will you?

Comin' up.

You know, Mr. Peterson,
you're amazing.

How do you keep
putting them away?

Well, it's all done
with mirrors, son.

I, uh...

Just never look in one.

Hey, everybody.

Hey.

Buckle your seat belts

and get ready for a
blast into the unknown.

I've got a phenomenon here

which will I'm sure will inspire

the legendary Jack palance

to, uh, utter the
infamous words,

"believe it or not."

Get a load of this.

What's that?

A potato, right?

Well, uh, yeah,

it's no ordinary, common,
garden variety russet,

though I'm proud to
say I did grow it myself.

It's the spittin' image

of Richard milhous Nixon. Look.

[Norm laughing]

You find this amusing?

No. No, I find it

historically significant, cliff.

Look. Look at the eyes.

Well, all right, forget
about the third one there.

But look at those eyes.

The ski-jump nose,

the jowls, huh?

He's even got

a little bit of sweat
there on the upper lip.

Come on, will you?

Cliff: Uh, all right. Maybe
this will help you out.

[Imitating Nixon]
I am not a crook.

Sorry. It still doesn't
look like Nixon.

It sure sounds like him, though.

Hi, guys.

Hey, uh, Carla.

I got a potato here

looks just like Richard Nixon.

Big deal. Find one that doesn't,

then get back to me.

We were really
hopping around here

a couple hours ago, you know.

So why didn't you
call me sooner?

I tried to, but your
phone was busy.

I'm sorry.

My oldest must have
been talking to his girlfriend.

Where's Diane, anyway?

I gave her the night off.

She's trying to
interview for a t.A. Job

down at the college.

She'll never get it.

She's a big "a" with no ts.

So Anthony has got
himself a girlfriend, huh?

Ah, it's sickening, Sam.

Every day it's Annie
this, Annie that.

He walks around the
apartment all moony-eyed.

I think my kid's
turned into a weenie.

Don't be too hard
and all that, Carla.

You know, uh, men will do
some pretty strange things

to have a woman by their side.

In your case, inflate one.

You know who I hold
responsible for this?

Nick.

Who's Nick?

That's Anthony's father.

His biological father.

Wow, a scientist.

You know, what my boy needs now

is just a little adult
male companionship

to snap him out of this.

How about it, Sam?

Come on. Find somebody else.

Call Nick.

Come on. You know
Nick's idea of fatherhood.

When the egg splits, so does he.

What, exactly,
would I have to do?

Just... take him out and
show him a great time.

You know, a real
night on the town.

Wild, crazy,

borderline illegal.

I guess I could handle that.

Yeah, why not?

It's about time the kid learned

how much fun it
was to play the field.

Right.

Yeah, well, wait
just a second here.

Let's not give marriage
a bad rap, huh?

It's a fine institution.

As a matter of fact, go ahead
and ask any single man here

if he wouldn't gladly trade
places with me for a night.

Hmm?

Anybody?

Please?

One night.

Aw, come on, fellas.

I'm offering transportation
and a hot meal.

Uh, no, no, this is, uh,

second term Nixon. Yeah.

Yeah, this tater is definitely

showing the strain
of Watergate here.

Well... not... not newsworthy?

Well, excuse me for
living, there, buddy boy.

Yeah. I'll call you back when
my potato marries a rock star.

New York times, my foot.

If the news doesn't
come out of Moscow,

they're not interested.

Hey. Buddy, what do you think?

Did you like the game?

Yeah, that was great.
Where's your phone, sammo?

Aw, come on. Give
her a break, will you?

You called her 4 times tonight.

She's probably half asleep.

[Telephone rings]

Cheers.

Just a minute.

What are you looking for?

Some girl wants to talk
to the outlaw of love?

She tracked me down.

Hey, hey, that's
Annie. That's Annie.

Let me have it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

He's fine, Annie, and
he'll call you tomorrow.

Yes, he's still a hunk.

Ok, I will. Good night.

I owe you one, Sam.

Anthony, consider
yourself kissed good night.

Ok. You want that
in root beer, huh?

Great. That's me
and Annie's favorite.

She loves it when I
make it come out my nose.

Yeah, I know.

That always works for me, too.

Listen...

Anthony.

I know you like Annie a lot...

Oh, no.

I love her.

Anthony,

there's only 2 times a
man uses that word...

Tennis and when he's
already paid for the room.

You know what I mean?

My ma, she says the same thing.

She acts like we're
kids or something.

I'll tell you, just
between you and me,

I mean, you don't tell my ma.

Me and Annie, we're
talking about getting married.

What?

You get her pregnant?

Oh, she ain't pregnant!

We think that sex
before marriage is a sin.

And afterwards, it just
one more damn thing

to take your pants
off for, you know?

Anthony, you don't
know what you're doing.

I mean, look at me, will you?

I'm single.

I got a great life going here.

Look here.

Most guys go
through their entire life

with only one woman.

Yeah.

I got 3 under "q".

This whole book is women?

This book and my life.

Tell you what.

Pick a name. Any name.

I want to show you what
a no-strings good time

I got at my fingertips here.

Go ahead. Any name.

Beth Hollister.

Beth Hollister!

All right! Very good choice.

[Punching numbers]

Toll call, but...

It's worth it.

Hey!

Beth?

Hi. It's Sam Malone.

Yeah. Ha ha!

Yeah, I know it's
been a long time.

That's why I'm calling.

I thought maybe we
could get together tonight.

Oh, no, really? Well, is it
something you can put off until later?

No, no, no, uh,

no, I wouldn't want you to miss
your first weight watchers meeting.

Uh... uh...

Tomorrow. Me.

Well, uh...

Ah.

God, Beth, well, uh...

I think my appendix just
burst. Will you excuse me?

Being single means you
gotta think fast on your feet.

Go ahead, pick another
name. Any name.

Candy... candy Simpson?

Candy Simpson.

Come to papa.

All right.

You're good, kid.

Then, again, so is candy.

Hi. Is candy in?

Candy! Sam Malone.

Yeah. You remember me?

Yeah, all right.

You still into, uh,

hot fudge sundaes for breakfast?

You're not?

Oh, hell, I'm on the
wrong page here. Uh...

Listen, uh...

Listen, what I want... what I
want to say here, candy, is...

I want you.

Yeah.

Well, there you go.

Uh... will you excuse
me for a minute?

This is getting kind of hot.

Uh, I'm gonna take
this in my office.

Woody, you want to hang that up?

Just, uh, make yourself
comfortable there.

That guy's got a
great life, doesn't he?

Great?

He's got no one to come home to,

nobody to care about, and no
reason to even get up in the morning.

And he drives a corvette. Ha ha!

This looks excellent,
miss chambers.

I'd have to say on the
basis of this resume

that, uh, you're my
leading candidate.

Ohh! I can't tell you
how thrilled I am.

I think you're the best
in your department,

and I'd love to work with you.

Well, good.

Now, I do have to interview

a couple of people tomorrow.

But I'll be letting
you know anon.

[British accent] Terribly good
to hear the king's English.

Ha ha ha!

Thank you for coming.

Oh, my pleasure.

Oh, by the way,

I got an excellent
recommendation for you.

Recommendation?

Mm-hmm. From Sumner Sloan.

He's a colleague of mine.

You used to work for him, right?

That's right.

How nice of him.

Lovely man, Sumner.

He gave you very high marks.

Oh?

Ha ha ha ha.

Well.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

[Door closes]

[Door opens]

High marks?

What, exactly, did
you mean by that?

Well, among other things,

that you have an
unbridled enthusiasm.

Ah.

[Laughs nervously]

I see.

Good-bye.

[Door closes]

[Door opens]

I'm a little unclear
on "enthusiasm."

Well, enthusiasm.

That you don't mind

taking on extra duties

and working
overtime if necessary.

Of course that's what he meant.

What else could he mean?

Ha ha ha!

Good-bye.

I will not sleep with you!

What?

Oh, my god,

I can't believe I said that.

I think that concludes
our interview.

Dr. Moffat, I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't for a moment
mean to imply

that you want to
have sex with me.

I'm sure that's the farthest
thing from your mind.

Not that you don't have
a healthy interest in sex.

I'm sure you think
about it all the time.

Well, not all the time.
You're not obsessed.

But when it comes to sex, I'm
sure you could hold your own

with a man half your age.

That's not to say

that you like young men.

Or any men.

Not that any man wouldn't
be happy to have you.

As would any woman.

Except me.

Although I could
be, but I'm not.

But that's not saying
that I couldn't be.

This just isn't the time or
the place or the circumstance.

But by that, I'm
certainly not saying

that you're flabby.

Why did I say that?

This isn't going well, is it?

Ok.

All right, everybody.

Open your eyes!

[Humming hail to the chief]

What's so funny?

A blue suit with a brown tie?

Ha ha!

Well, hey, uh...

I, uh, did the best
I could, you know.

It's not easy coming up with
a Ken doll on short notice.

You know, I, uh, I
wonder if you guys realize

how limited his wardrobe is.

Now, Barbie's is
much more extensive.

She's got her own
car, little high heels...

Look, cliffie, look.

You're my best friend, ok?

Now, if the situation
were reversed,

I'd want you to say this to me.

You've gone completely
off the deep end.

You've always been
kind of a weird guy,

but this is just a
little bit too much.

I want you to look
what you've done

and think about this.

You've knocked
the head off a doll

and put a potato in its place.

And you actually want people

to, like, come and know this.

Well, yeah, I...

I guess you're right, normie.

All right, yeah.

Been taking it a
little bit too seriously.

I, uh, I been under
some strain lately, and...

It's ok. It's ok.

Thanks, you know.
Just thanks for...

Pulling in those
reins and saying,

"whoa, paint. You're
working up a froth."

Hey.

How's Anthony doing, Carla?

I hope he didn't break
little Annie's heart.

But then again, he did
see life in the Sammy Lane.

Oh!

How do you do that? How do you
make your eyes shake like that?

Ow!

Anthony's talking
about getting married.

Aw, gee! I don't
know what happened

after he left here,

but up until that point,

Annie had "destination:
Dump city" written all over her.

Yeah, well, he said he'd only
been thinking about getting married

until last night when
you changed his mine.

No way did he want
to end up, and I quote,

"a lonely old skirt
chaser like Sam."

Blasphemy.

What'd you tell my kid, huh?

Well... basically,

why buy the cow

when you can get
the milk for free?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Companionship,

warmth on a cold night,

someone to share
your old age with.

You think he should marry her?

I thought we were
talking about a cow.

Hey, ma.

Hello, Mrs. Tortelli.

Vixen.

Nice to see you, too.

What are you doing here?

Look, ma, I don't like us

being all mad at each other.

[Quietly] You know I love you.

So let's be buds.

What do you want?

I don't want nothin'.

Uh, except...

For you to sign this
consent form, ma.

Consent?

You want me to
sign a consent form?

Yeah. Annie's parents
already agreed to sign it, ma.

Sure, no problem. I'll
sign a consent form.

This is my new way
of signing my name!

Ma! No! You're only 16!

You were pregnant
when you were 16!

Yeah! But I wasn't stupid
enough to be married.

Come on, Anthony,

let's just take the bus to
Jersey to see your old man.

You only need one
parent's permission.

Oh, forget him.
My father's a bum.

Hey. Don't you talk
about your father that way.

Ok. He's a sleazy bum.

That's better.

But I'll tell you this, ma.

If I don't get your
consent, I'll get his.

'Cause one way or another,

I am marrying Annie.

And I was hoping
that I could have Annie

as my lovely wife and
still keep my mother.

Ma, don't make me make a choice.

Oh, Anthony, you
don't mean that.

He's a proud man, Mrs. Tortelli.

I guess that's why I love him

more than any
man I've ever known.

Isn't she great, ma?

Yeah.

I'm not losing a son.

I'm gaining your face.

Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not making
any points here, ma.

Well, what am I
supposed to do, Sam, huh?

I gotta stop this.

I can't believe they're serious.

I can't believe that
any son of Nick tortelli

would even think
about getting married

without a bun in some oven.

[Gasps] Sam, Sammy,
that is the answer!

Listen, listen.

Anthony is a
tortelli man, right?

Now, all tortelli men are scum.

Ergo,

given time, his eye will wander,

and the rest of his
slimy body will follow.

Come on, Mrs. Tortelli,
we haven't got all day.

I have to clean my
room before dinner.

I just don't see
what your hurry is.

I mean, why don't you two have
a little engagement period, huh?

I'll tell you what. I'll
make a deal with you.

Give me, uh... 2 weeks.

What do you mean?

You two stay totally apart.

Don't see each other.

Don't talk to each other.

Don't send messages for 2 weeks.

Then, at that time,

if you still want
to get married,

I'll give you my blessing.

That's all we have to do?

That's all?!

I'll die.

Our burning love will
keep you alive, Anthony.

Uh... I don't know.

What's the matter,
Anthony, you afraid?

Listen, if you don't think
your love is strong enough to...

No, no, no, no! We
ain't afraid of nothin'.

Ok. You got it.

But we come back here

in 2 weeks,

and we're even more sure.

And after that, well be
together forever and ever.

You mean, like,
through eternity.

No, like through the weekend.

[Laughing]

Anthony: I'm gonna be
heartsick missing you.

Yuck.

That is the most
childish, unsanitary thing

I've ever seen in my life.

Boy, I'll say.

Don't they realize

that gum is a breeding
ground for cooties?

Anthony, would you get
away from the window?

You're fogging up the glass

with your lovesick breath.

Don't be such a grump, ma.

I warned you my
feelings wouldn't change.

Not in 2 weeks, not in 2 years.

You blew it.

I'm dead meat, Sam.

I thought you had this
figured out logically.

Yeah, well, he never went
out of the damn house.

How is supposed to have his
head turned by another woman

if he never saw one?

He just locked
himself in the room,

and he never came out

except for hot meals
and cold showers.

So are you gonna
sign the consent?

What else can I do?

They kept their
end of the bargain.

Anthony.

Annie!

Ahh...

Choo!

[Clears throat, sniffles]

Uh, sinuses, Carla.

Well, Mrs. Tortelli?

It's been 2 weeks.

I think it's still clear
that Anthony and I

are very much in love and want
to get married. Right, Anthony?

That's right.

Here's the form, ma.

You said you would sign it.

You're too damn young, Anthony.

Please, this is the worst
mistake anybody could make.

Believe me. I made it.

You gave your word.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

Hey, hurry it up, Annie.

I'm double-parked.

We'll be right there.

Won't this be great, Anthony?

You and me
together for all time.

Yeah, that's great.

Who is that?

Oh, that's my cousin Gabrielle.

Gabrielle, my fiance.

Will you hurry it up and sign?

We haven't got all day.

Hey, Gabrielle. It's
nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

You're even cuter
than Annie said.

How come I haven't
met you before?

I've been at
cheerleading school.

Hey, when are we having
your cousin over for dinner?

Let's say we get married first.

Then we'll discuss
the dinner guests.

Yeah, well, my word is my word.

I guess I better be
signing this document

so you two could be
alone together forever.

What's your hurry, ma?

Why don't you both
have a root beer?

I'm gonna help Gabrielle
find a parking space.

I'm worried about her.

Anthony!

Hey, just get off my back.

This'll take 2 minutes.

Nag, nag, nag.

Gabrielle, did you ever have a
hot fudge sundae for breakfast?

They're not coming
back, are they?

Nope.

Jeez, I got 50 boy
cousins who can drive.

It was bound to happen.

You're pretty
smart, Mrs. Tortelli.

Let me fill you in
on something, Annie.

There are 3 things

that you can say
about tortelli men.

One... they draw
women like flies.

2... they treat
women like flies.

3...

Their brains are in their flies.

Yeah, and one more thing.

They throw away the best women.

You know, for a
loser, you're not bad.

Ditto, Mrs. T.