Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 3 - Someday My Prince Will Come - full transcript

Great game.

Yeah. Hey look, they're
showing chicks in the stands...

Oh, look at that one!

Come to papa!

Yeah. Yeah, cliffie. They
didn't build that stadium

in foxboro for nothing, pal.

They sure didn't. I'll
bet it costs millions.

I suppose you're wondering

why a person of my breeding

would be working

among the lumpen proletariat.



Do you mind?

I'm researching a novel,

and working here
gives me insight

into their simple pleasures.

Yow!

Whao! Wait, wait. They're
zooming in on a cheerleader.

I think I've zoomed
in on that one myself.

This language
supplies the rich texture

that distinguished
Fitzgerald's work.

Ok. Here comes the wave.

We have to go along
with them or they get testy.

That was good.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪



♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same

♪ you wanna go

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Seeing baryshnikov dance Giselle

was the experience
of a lifetime.

When he took the
stage in his cabriole,

it was breathtaking.

I'd never seen his
Albrecht before.

You mean he split his tights?

I wish.

Hey... diane, you got a minute?

Listen...

I want you to know that you are the last
person on earth that I would ask for help,

but I figure you been in
college for a zillion years so

you must've picked up something.

Now that you've
buttered me up...

Well, my kid gino

he made this generator
for a school science fair,

and he can't get to work.

What's the problem?

He's not very smart.

Here. Take a look at this thing.

If you're asking me to do
gino's homework for him,

I won't. It's unethical.

Hey, Mrs. T?

What?

You know, you ought to ask
Mr. Clavin. He's very sharp.

He's got more information
in his whole head

than I've got in
my little finger.

All right. You got
that backwards.

See?

Oh, yeah, Carla. It
is common knowledge

that I'm scientifically handy.

As a matter of fact, I spent
a good part of my youth

in a laboratory.

And you'd still be there today

if a chimpanzee hadn't taught
you how to open your cage.

Will you look at that?

One of those new
marital aids, huh?

Ok. Claven, the science
fair is in one week.

This is your chance to
either gain my respect

or lose your tonsils.

Thanks for the
opportunity, Carla.

So, norm,

what do you say? You want
to give me a hand, here?

I think I'll, uh, I'll
pass, Dr. Frankenstein.

Cliff, have one on the house,
here, for your good deed.

Oh, thank you, Sammy.

What about one for Igor?

Sam, who's sitting here?

I don't know, but his coat's
been taking up our space all night.

Oh, so I've noticed.

Cashmere.

Very nice.

Hand stitching.

Tortoise shell buttons.

This is a very
expensive garment.

Doesn't look that
expensive to me.

It has a bemberg lining.

Oh, well. No fair, now.
You didn't mention that.

I'm going to hang it up.

Ooh... pipe smoker.

I don't believe it's
a domestic blend.

Sam, what do you think?

I don't smell anything.

Of course not.

Your olfactory senses
have been destroyed

by that Cologne you marinade in.

Oh, I should've known.

Of course, it's a perique blend.

Jack meekin, my father's
partner used to smoke it.

Oh, I remember it so
clearly etched in my mind.

He'd sit in his office,
smoking his pipe.

I'd beg to sit in his lap.

And he'd say, "ok little miss,
but you have to pay the toll first."

So I'd give him a big hug.

And then he'd ask, "how
about a tip for the gatekeeper?"

So I'd give him a quick
peck on the cheek and,

he'd toss me in the ear yelling,
"who's your favorite uncle?"

And I'd squeal, "uncle
Jack! Uncle Jack!"

Was this before or
after you met me?

This... this is weird. What are you
making a big deal about the coat for?

I was merely trying to conjure
up an image of the owner.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Fantasy's healthy.
Everybody does it.

Didn't you ever
fantasize about me?

Yeah, I guess I did.

And I, you.

What did you fantasize about?

Mostly, you'd stop
using phrases like

"and I, you."

Ok, Watson, fire it up.

Cliffie, are you all right?

It went right from my neck

to my lower regions, norm.

Anything we can do?

Yeah.

Crank it up again.

Woody, would you add up
these receipts for me, please?

Sure.

There's eight of them.

Thank you, Woody.

That's what I got, too.

Hey, Sam. This guy never
came back for his coat.

Probably saw Diane sniffing it.

Night, all.

Night, wood.

Ok, Sam. Lost and found.

Give me that.

Maybe there's
some identification.

No wallet.

Well, there must be
some clue in here.

You see?

Two tickets to the grand kabuki.

So he likes to watch two fat
guys with diapers butt heads.

What's that tell you?

That you're an idiot.

You're confusing sumo wrestling

with classic Japanese theater.

Gee, please don't tell the guys.

A dried Rose.

What a romantic.

Could this be a memento

from a golden midi d'amour

in some sylvan setting?

What's that,

a classy way of saying a nooner?

Boy, your really losing it here.

You know, you can't
tell what a guy's like

by what he's got in his pocket.

I certainly can.

What do you have
in your pockets?

Why don't you check it out
yourself, and you tell me.

I think my point is made.

Has it ever occured to you
that this guy might look like

Jo-Jo, the dog-faced boy.

I can tell you right now
that the owner of this coat

could well be the
most attractive man

I've ever encountered,

whatever he looks like.

Down, girl, down.

What a person looks like has
nothing to do with who that person is.

If my face were transposed
in another in another soul,

would it matter?

To the poor sap
who got it, it would.

[Telephone rings]

Cheers.

Oh, well. Hold on
a sec. I'll check.

Have we seen a cashmere coat
with bembgerg lining around here?

Sam!

Why don't you talk to
our, uh, coat check girl.

Dream man for miss chambers.

Hello.

My name is Diane chambers,

and I want you to rest assure,

that your lovely coat
is safe in my charge.

I think we have
a bad connection.

Your car phone?

You know, I imagined
you had a car phone.

Well, what I meant was,
we were playing this game,

wondering what you'd be like

based on your coat.

Me? Well,

close your eyes and imagine.

No don't. We don't want
you rear-ending a bus!

Forgive my merry sense of humor.

I get it from my mother's side.

Oh my god.

He sounds wonderful.

Really... why don't
you ask him out then?

Yes.

Um...

Listen, you sound like a
charming man. If it's not to forward

perhaps we could go out

for an Espresso sometime?

Sometime. Hey now
there's a commitment for you.

On second thought, um,

I'm getting off work now.

If your not busy, we
could do it tonight.

We're both such
spontaneous madcaps,

aren't we?

You're right down the block?

Momentarily, then.

Whoa! Uh-oh!

Making a date with a
stranger over the telephone

is a big mistake, Diane.

I tried it. It was
nothing but trouble.

Of course, mine was
an obscene phone call.

I hope this works out.

Busted expectations
are a real bummer.

I won't be disappointed.

No, no. I was talking about him.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here comes mister right
down the steps as we speak.

Whoa! Socks!

He's already got my guy beat.

Are you nervous there?

Not at all.

Hi.

Hi. I bet you're the
guy without the coat?

Yes, I am.

Diane?

You should be so lucky.

Diane...

Aren't you going
to introduce yourself

to this lovely gentleman?

Of course, I am.

I was just waiting for
the proper moment.

I'm Diane chambers.
How do you do?

Welcome to cheers.

I'm Stuart Sorenson.

Well.

Yes.

Oh, good, you have my coat.

Ah, yes.

I can't tell you how grateful I am,
for you taking such good care of it.

Oh, it was my pleasure.
It's a lovely garment.

Did you get it on the continent?

France.

The continent.

Nice try, Diane.

Hi, Stewart. I'm Sam Malone.

I haven't seen you
in before, have I?

Well, I'm new to
the Boston area.

I'm in the midst of
restoring a carriage house

on beacon hill, and I needed a
break so I just wandered in here.

This is a nice
little pub you have.

Well, thank you.

That makes you a carpenter, huh?

Sam, I think he's
probably an architect.

Why, yes. I am an architect.

An architect you say?

Did you hear that, Sam?

Three times.

Uh... listen, Diane,
about that date...

I realize we made it
over the phone and

well, here's your
chance to back out.

This lady's not going
to let you off that easily.

But it was a nice
try, there, Stuart.

Uh, do you know a place
still open for Espresso?

As a matter of fact, I
know a wonderful little boite,

everytime I go there, I'm
reminded of the cafe lumiere

opposite the bord de Bologna.

I know exactly the
one your talking about.

It's in the lobby of
the hotel Saint cecile.

Yes!

Well. That's the only place
I stay when I'm in Paris.

Oh, I'm sorry, that
sounded so pretentious.

Oh...

[beep beep]

Woops! There's my car phone.

Ooh, that sounded
pretentious, too.

Oh, hell, so I'm pretentious.

Do you mind if I go get that?

Not at all.

I'll meet you at your car.

Ha ha ha.

Back way out of here,

you got to shinny
up a drain pipe,

crawl over some broken glass.

But I think it'd be worth it.

What are you talking
about? I feel totally vindicated.

He's everything I
thought he would be.

He's charming, intelligent...

Self-deprecating.

I didn't hear
attractive in there.

I find him attractive.

Oh, come on, Diane.
On a scale of 1 to 10,

me being a 12, of course...

Where are you
going to rate Stuart?

Let's change that to IQ.

While your score
would remain 12...

His would skyrocket.

It's too bad you're not going to be
gazing across the table at his IQ.

Why don't you just
admit you're jealous?

All right, I am.

You're right, but
can you blame me?

Sam, are you saying
what I think you're saying?

You bet I am.

I'd kill for a car phone.

Two vodka tonics.

So where's the stick?

She and Stuart are
out on another date.

They went to see a play, I
think it's, uh, who dunnit?

With him in the
audience, it's a "what is it?"

Hey. Come on. Lighten up on him, will
you? Turned out to be kinda nice fella.

Going to have to give Diane
credit. Her intuition proved to be right.

I'm a great
believer in intuition.

It's like when I
first saw you, Sam.

Something told me you were
super smooth with the ladies.

Maybe it was that time you walked out of
here with four of them. One on each arm.

You always...

You always just seem
to know the right moves.

Sometimes I like to just stand
around and watch you operate.

It's like going to school.

Gee, I never really
thought of it like that.

Well, yes I have.

Well. So, there we were,

me and 25 soaking
wet Japanese architects

in my apartment,

and I'm out of brie.

Ha ha ha!

Oh Stuart what
a life you've led.

Make yourself comfortable.

I'll get our drinks.

Hey, Stuart. How
was the theater?

Great fun, Sam.

Good. Good.

Hey, um, miss chambers?

Uh-huh?

I've been meaning to tell you.
I really like your friend Stuart.

Ah, thank you, Woody.

Hey you think you can get
him to do that great trick for me?

What trick?

The one Sam says he does,
when he makes the clock stop

by just looking at it.

Wasn't that just suppose to be
between you, me, and the lamppost?

Well, look at her.
It's an easy mistake.

Um...

Excuse me. I have
to speak with Sam.

I'll be back before the
bouquet leaves the glasses.

Might I speak with you briefly?

You might, but I
don't think you will.

I'm sorry about
that clock comment.

I made it before I realized
what a nice guy he is.

I'm such a pooh.

Beg your pardon?

You heard me, a pooh.

After all these years

I have to admit
it, I'm all talk.

Aw, well, of course
you are, honey.

But we've all
gotten used to that.

Sam, I have spent the
week with a person...

Who can converse on
a multitude of subjects.

Who listens when I talk.

Who treats me with respect.

And a person with whom
I can think of nothing but,

"why aren't you great-looking?"

Or, "why can't I stop wishing

you were great-looking?"

This is probably not the
right time to say "I told you so,"

so if you could just
remind me to get to it later.

Oh, Sam.

I'm small and vain and petty.

Hey, will you stop being
so hard on yourself.

I mean, that's my
job here. Come on.

You had a few casual dates
with him. What's the big deal?

Yes, but, as often
happens in my life,

this gentleman is becoming

much too serious, much too fast.

He's wearing that
smitten look I know so well.

I've got to do something
before it goes any further.

Uh-huh. I see.

For the first time in my life,

I can't bring myself to
tell the truth to a man, so...

I need a lie.

God forgive me, I'm
coming to you for help.

Well, I'm flattered.

All right, let me...

Let me give this a
little thought here.

All right. All right. I've never
passed this one on before,

but I think it's... I
think it's the ticket here.

It's neat. It's fast,
clean, and best of all,

it makes them want
to get away from you.

Now here's what you do.

You tell him...

That you have a contagious skin condition
and that insanity runs in your family.

Very sensitive.

Well, thank you.
It's a... It's a gift.

Sam, I have never been more
grateful to you than I am now.

I just looked into the face

of insensitivity and dishonesty.

And it made me blanch.

I am going out there...

And I'm going to
break up with Stuart.

But I'm going to do it
honestly, straightforwardly.

And yet, caringly.

I'll tell him the
truth of my feelings,

that I'm not attracted
to him romantically,

although I am very
attracted to him as a friend.

And I'll say it in a way that
he will accept and understand.

And be greatful for.

Do you even begin to
understand what I'm trying to say?

Everything except the part where
you changed your name to blanch.

Good-bye, Sam.

Good-bye, blanch.

Thank you.

Uh, listen, Stuart...

Diane, I'm sorry. I
can't put this off any

longer. There's
something I have to tell you.

Diane, for the first time in
my life, I'm thinking of making

a permanent
commitment with a woman.

Stuart, I have a
contagious skin disease,

and insanity runs in my family.

Oh my god, Diane. I'm
terribly sorry to hear that.

Thank you, I thought
you should know.

Well, that makes
me feel a little selfish

talking about my good
news after hearing that.

Your good news?

Diane, what I'm
trying to say is...

There's someone else.

She's someone I
knew before I met you.

I honestly thought it was
over between us, but...

Well, we spoke earlier today

and we've decided
to work things through.

You're telling the truth,

aren't you, Stuart?

Well, that's the most
wonderful thing I ever heard.

It's tearing me apart inside.

I'm a total wreck in here.

Don't give up hope, Diane.

No relationship is guaranteed.

Except yours. Don't
you doubt for a moment.

We're talking ironclad here.

Well, thank you.

By the way, have you seen a
doctor about that condition of yours?

What con... Oh, yes. Yes.

I'm seeing a wonderful man.

He's almost cleared
it up completely.

He's about got that
insanity thing licked, too.

He's a skin and brain man.

It's a new specialty.

Hmm, sounds fascinating.

Well, Diane, I'm...

I'm really glad we've had this
chance to... To know each other.

Me, too.

Good-bye, Diane.

Good-bye, Stuart.

Hey, congratulations.
You're free and clear.

Don't congratulate me.

He's a terrific guy.

And I cast him aside
because of his appearance.

I'm... greatly ashamed.

Well, you know, from where I
sitting it sounded more like he was...

All right, Sam.
Let's not split hairs.

Point is, he's gone.

For the first time,
I let appearance

taint my feelings toward a man.

Boy, you know what's wrong with you?
You just can't be honest with yourself.

Looks are all that
ever mattered to you.

What are you talking about?

That is utterly... Inaccurate!

Oh, yeah? Want
me to prove it to you?

Yes.

Who were you more crazy about

than anyone else
in your entire life?

Not including yourself there.

Don't answer. It was me.

And there was only one reason
why you ever went out with me

and that was
because of my looks.

Not entirely.

Yes, entirely.

Name one other reason why
anyone would go out with me.

Go on, name one.

You can't, can you?

No, Sam, I can't.

Ha ha ha!