Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 2 - Woody Goes Belly Up - full transcript

Sam: Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Oh, no.

What's wrong, Mr. Peterson?

It's my anniversary, I
have nothing for Vera,

and all the stores are closed.

Uh-oh, normie's
in big trouble now.

Will Mrs. Peterson give
you the cold shoulder?

It's not the cold
shoulder I mind.

It's the hard knee.

Well, not to worry there, norm.

I think with your wit
and resourcefulness,



you'll come up
with a suitable gift.

Yeah...

You're absolutely
right, cliffie.

I tried.

I'm doomed.

I know where there's
a gas station open.

Why don't you get
her a can of 40-weight.

Very funny.

Why not give her the best
gift of all, Mr. Peterson,

a night of romance?

Carla, where's
that gas station at?

Come on, norm, you
can do better than that.

What?

That ash tray's
better than that.



Come on, man.

Ash tray, huh?

A little shoddy, but...

With a nice pack of
cigarettes or something,

nice snappy new
pack of matches...

I think we got something here.

Hey, norm, does Vera even smoke?

Yeah, she's been known to smoke.

Occasionally, after sex.

Usually during.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪♪

Well, not the best I've had,
but it'll serve. Refill, Sam.

Frasier, I'm not sure
how to get into this,

but your bar bill is up to $500.

My god!

Really?

I'm shocked.

Well, I promised myself
if I reached $500, I'd quit.

So that does it.

I'll raise my limit to 1,000.

I hope you understand
it's just business,

but 500 is a little out
of my comfort zone.

I understand, Sam. Seems
nobody wants to pay a man

for sitting around
and drinking all day.

Yeah, it's a world
gone mad, eh, frase?

Sam, I've come to a
very important decision.

I've just taken stock of myself.

It's not exactly AT&T, is it?

I'm gonna pick up the
pieces of my shattered life.

To do that, you've got
to hit rock bottom first.

For you, that's
three flights up.

Carla, you want to
see if anyone in back

has open wounds to salt?

Spoilsport.

Sam.

You're my inspiration.

Thanks.

You, too, were a
worthless, drooling drunk.

Carla, hold it a second.

Sam, I'm sorry.
You see, the point is

that you pulled
yourself together,

and I have to rebuild my
life, my career, my reputation,

my self-esteem.

I'm no longer worthy
to practice psychiatry.

But I'm gonna
make myself worthy.

I'll start at the lowest,
most menial level.

Who sweeps the floors here?

Well, me and
Woody. Mostly Woody.

All right. Woody.

Let me do it for both of you.

You can pay me
whatever you like.

Oh, gee, frasier, I don't know.

No, Sam, I know you think it's
beneath me, but I really need this.

No, I just don't know
where Woody put the broom.

Maybe try in the
back closet there.

I mean, it's ok with
me, but are you sure

you want Diane to see this?

Yes.

Let her confront her guilt

for what she's wrought

by her refusal to work
out our relationship.

If I have a scintilla of
psychological acumen left,

when she sees my humiliation,

she'll eat her liver.

What's frasier doing?

He's the new janitor.

Poor frasier.

I had no idea he'd
take it so hard.

This is my saddest
romantic legacy.

I refuse to hold
myself responsible.

Do I beg men to
fall in love with me?

I certainly hope not.

I'd like to think I was special.

Have you made any friends
since you moved to Boston?

A few, if you count cats.

You're really cute.

I'd love to have
a friend like you.

Look, Sam, could we be in on
the inception of a budding romance?

You talking about a foursome?

How can you make a
sweet, innocent flirtation

into something tawdry?

I could tell you, but it would
be a lot more fun to show you.

Woody, maybe we
could go out for coffee

after you get off work.

Oh, gee, Lisa, I'd like to,

but I got to do something else.

What?

I don't know,

but I got to start
right now. Excuse me.

My god. I don't think I've
ever seen a man Woody's age

so painfully shy around women.

That young lady asked him out,

and he refused
her. 2 beers, Sam.

Maybe she came on too strong.

Some guys don't like that.

I know how the lad feels.

In the mating ritual, I
like to be the aggressor.

Of course, I don't mind a
woman giving me a clear signal

that I caught her eye.

You mean like sticking
a finger down her throat?

Woody hasn't had a date
since he came to work here.

Well, look, later on tonight,
I'm going cruising for chicks.

A popular pastime
among virile studs of today.

I'll take Woody along.

There's not a man yet that's
come back from a clavin love safari

without some trophy to
hang on his game room wall.

Especially the horns, you know?

Hey, Woody, look it,

later on I'm going
scouting for chickareenios.

You want to come?

Sure. What is that,
some kind of cereal?

I'm no sure, but I
think he means girls.

Yeah, that's right.
Come on, Woody,

look, I got this
great pick-up line.

See, we pull up next to
this cute-looking, babe, right?

I say, "hey, my
friend likes you."

Yeah, and if that doesn't
work, cliff throws an egg at her.

That sounds like swell times,

but I'm not much in
the mood for it. Thanks.

Woody, would you mind if I stuck
my big fat nose in your affairs?

Stick your big fat nose
wherever you like, miss chambers.

There's no need to
hide your feelings.

You're afraid of ladies
rejecting you, aren't you?

Aw, no, it's not so much that.

It's just that I'm...

Well, I got this problem.

What problem? We at cheers
always share our problems.

Yeah, besides, we kind of
ran out of things to talk about.

So we'd appreciate it.

All right, there's this girl
back home named Beth Curtis.

And she's the most
wonderful girl in the world.

We dated ever
since we were kids.

But last year we split up.

I wanted to travel
around, see the world.

She wanted to stay in Indiana.

At first I thought
it would be ok,

but now I just can't seem
to get her out of my mind.

Everything I do,
everywhere I go,

everything I see
reminds me of her.

Beth.

Poor kid, huh?

Hmm.

Wait a second. Was that
your meddling "hmm"?

Oh, Sam, we have to get
those two back together.

Nothing's sadder than a
man who wants his maiden

and is denied her.

It tears my heart out.

Frasier, you're getting dirt

on my new Joan and Davids.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

What do you say to a beer?

Hi, sailor. New in town?

Where's Diane? Back
from the airport yet?

No, not yet.

What's Diane doing
down at the airport?

Well, we all got together and
thought it would be kind of fun

to get Woody's girlfriend
out here and surprise him.

She's still picking her up.

What do you mean
"we all got together"?

I didn't all get together.

Did you, norm?

Yeah. It was a good
meeting actually.

We had some hors d'oeuvres.

Kind of turned
into a little party.

Well, you might've invited me.

We might have, but we
wanted to enjoy ourselves.

Hey, frase, how's
the job going, bud?

Oh, great.

I hear you're really cleaning
up in your new business.

At least I was
invited to the party.

Great rumaki, Sam.

Everyone, this is Beth Curtis.

Hi, Beth.

Hi, everybody.

How you doing? Sam Malone.

I guess Woody told
you all about me.

I haven't spoken
to Woody in ages.

Well, that's all right. What
can he tell you about me

that you can't see for yourself?

Sam, please.

I'd really like to thank
those responsible

for bringing me out here.

Cliff clavin, do-gooder.

Hi.

Gosh, I can't believe
how big this city is.

Yeah, quite a place.

Boston is the hub
of Boston proper,

which comprises some, oh,
there's probably 2 3/4 million people

spread out in 83
cities and towns.

Get out of here!

You question my figures?

No, I want you
to get out of here.

So, where's my butterball?

You mean Woody?

Yeah, he doesn't mind
me calling him that.

He's not very sensitive
about his weight.

Woody's not fat, Beth.

He was the last time I saw him.

Wow, he lost weight, too?

Too?

Yeah, I don't like to brag or
anything, but I just lost 50 pounds.

Woo! I don't think Woody
will even recognize me.

Oh, Beth, that's wonderful.

Norman, isn't that wonderful?

Yeah, it's great, great.

Actually, I just lost a little
weight recently myself.

No. I just found it.

Beth?

You shrunk!

I shrunk? Look at you!

Oh, wow! My hands can touch.

This is a dream come true.
What are you doing here?

Your friends brought me up.

They did? Thanks, guys.

You've been so good to me.

In fact, next to the twirley
brothers back home,

you're my closest
friends I have.

Woody, after you left,

both twirley brothers

made improper advances to me.

Hey, that makes you
my closest friends.

Woody, why don't you
take the rest of the day off.

Really? Thanks, Sam.

Look at you. I can't believe it!

I can't believe it, either,

you know, in high school,

we were voted the couple
most likely to explode.

I'll show you the sights.
What do you want to see first?

I'd kind of like to get a bite.

Didn't you eat on the plane?

Yeah, but not enough I guess
'cause I'm kind of hungry again.

Yeah, I'm famished.

See you later.

Do you find that strange?

The first thing they
wanted to do was eat.

Yeah, Woody just got
back from lunch, too.

Yeah, I'll say it's strange.

If I hadn't seen a girl
of mine in that long,

I know what the first
thing in her mind would be.

"How did he find me in Tibet?"

Sam, I finally did it.

It took 3 days, but I
removed every trace

of Carla's number
from the men's room.

Would you mind
your own business?

Frasier, for god's sake,

hasn't this gone on long enough?

If you're trying to
make me feel guilty,

you've succeeded.

Don't flatter yourself,
your highness.

I'm working here
because I enjoy it.

The crane family is no
stranger to hard work.

I'll have you know that when my
ancestors first came to this country,

they had nothing
but strong backs,

a dream of freedom,

and a small personal fortune.

Now if you'll excuse
me. I have a life to live.

Sam, where do you
keep the Johnny mop?

Sam, stop him.

Don't let him put on
this stupid display.

Well, sweetheart, I'm helping
him regain his self-respect.

And besides, there are
people who come in here

specifically to see the
sweeping psychiatrist.

Sorry I'm late.

Beth and I had to
go to baskin-Robbins

for the changing of the flavors.

Woody, how are you
and Beth getting along?

Oh, great.

We had this wonderful
breakfast this morning...

Pancakes, sausages, hash browns.

Then we discovered
this great little treat.

You know how when you
get to the end of a meal

and you find something
to kind of top it off?

You mean like a sorbet?

No. Like eggs Benedict.

That's kind of like
topping off a steak dinner

with pork chops.

Great idea!

It's not original.

It's the hungry heifer
carnivore platter.

Woody, it's none of my business,
but aren't you and Beth worried

that you might put back
on some of the weight

you worked so hard to take off?

No. We're very careful.
We always stop eating

before we get light-headed.

Who am I kidding?

It's happening all over again.

I swore after I took
that 100 pounds off

that I'd never tub out again.

Now I'm gonna have to
send home for my fat clothes.

I don't know what comes over us

when we get together.

You know, Woody, I
just thought of something.

Now, I have some
old drinking buddies

I can't even be around
without wanting a drink.

Automatic thing.

I think that maybe Beth is
like your old eating buddy.

Very good, Sam. Well, thank you.

Just when we were going
to hang a "for rent" sign

on Sam's forehead.

He's right, Woody.

Friends with whom we
share a common vice

sometimes reinforce
our behavior.

I'm sure that's what's
happening in your case.

Thank you, amateur
psychologists...

For your simple-minded
diagnostic attempts.

Now, Woody, tell me,

do you come from a
strict moral upbringing?

What do you mean by that?

Well, do you and Beth

feel that premarital
relations are wrong?

Well, I don't want
to talk about it.

Beth and I feel there are some
things you just don't talk about.

Like what?

I don't know. We
never talk about it.

Now, listen to me, Woody,

as healthy but
moral human beings,

you and Beth
sublimated your lust

into the central
pleasure of eating.

As your fondness grew,
so did your appetites.

In short, food became
your substitute for sex.

Vera became mine.

You really think that's
what it is, Dr. Crane?

Yes, it's quite common.

For example, when Diane left Sam

and he started drinking again,

he was filling the
void that Diane left.

And Diane filled her emptiness

by toying with and
destroying a man

who's her cultural and
intellectual superior in every way!

You see the point
I'm trying to make?

I don't want to talk about it.

I rest my case.

Go rest your mouth.

Hey, you mean to tell me

you've never slept with Beth?

Well, it's simple then.

You sleep with
her, you stop eating.

Great reason, too, I
mean, as if you needed one.

I can't do that. I can't
ask a nice girl like Beth

to sleep with me out of wedlock.

The younger generation.

I just don't know
what to say to them.

Why don't you just marry her?

I don't think we're
ready for marriage yet.

Forget frasier's
freudian rantings.

As anyone will tell you,

I am a skinnerian behaviorist.

We must address your symptoms.

You and Beth must learn to
retrain your eating habits together.

We've thought
about diets before.

All it does is make us hungrier.

Well, then I'll help.

I'll take you to
dinner and show you

how to eat a light
but satisfying meal.

I'll try anything.

Hey, Sam, you want to join us?

Well, Sam could join
us if he so desires.

We'll have a sparse
but nutritious meal

and lots of delightful
conversation.

Well, thanks, Diane, but
actually I got something

a little more fun
planned for myself.

I'm gonna go home, shave
my head with a cheese grater

while chewing on tin foil.

How about tomorrow night?

Mmm. Mmm!

Wasn't it good?

Yes. Oh!

Sam, can I tempt you with
the last piece of broccoli?

It depends on what
you're gonna do with it.

Aren't we just the trendsetters?

It's not everyone that could
walk into an elite French restaurant

and order nothing
but the vegetables.

Yeah, I got to admit,
I don't feel as full

as if I'd eaten
food or something.

Really, we appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but what do you say
we cleanse our palate

with some eclairs?

Yes! Whoo-whoo!

Yes, a sense of humor is
very important when dieting,

but remember, this one meal
isn't going to change your lives.

You're going to have to
continue this way on your own.

You think we can, Woody?

Oh, sure, yeah.
This was kind of nice.

You know, I
usually feel so full,

I can't really do anything.

But now...

I know. I feel a
lot more energetic.

You know, I've been thinking

about what the janitor at cheers

said about sublimation.

About what?

Well, he said that for us,
eating took the place of...

[crunch crunch]

Woody, maybe you should
go over to that table over there

so you can be heard

above Sam's termite impression.

That might be better.

I'm sorry.

Eating took the place of what?

You know that subject

that you don't
like to talk about?

What subject don't
I like to talk about?

You know, that subject
you never talk about.

The reason we
never talk about that

is because you don't
want to talk about it.

I don't mind talking about it.

In fact, I think
about it all the time.

Well, I don't mind
talking about it either.

In fact, I think about it, too.

You think about it, too?

Maybe we should talk about it.

Yeah, I think we
should talk about it.

You don't suppose
there's a chance

we're not talking
about the same thing?

No. No.

Well, I think we've
talked about it enough.

Me, too!

Well, I think we're
gonna be shoving off.

Where are you going?

We don't want to talk about it.

I think I understand. Yeah.

Understand what?

Oh, yeah, right.

Probably gonna get
something to eat, right?

Don't be silly.

Wasn't it beautiful?

What's that?

Two people in love.

Yeah. You said it, all right.

Hah.

What?

I just had the
funniest stray thought.

Remember the first
tryst you and I shared?

Yeah. I think I had
cheese whiz on my half.

I'm talking about making love.

I know.

Yeah, of course I remember.

It was great, wasn't it?

It was wonderful.

Yeah, I think we gave new
meaning to the word "cookin'."

Sometimes I thought
it would go on forever.

Hey, I came pretty darn
close a couple of times, didn't I?

That's not what I meant.

You were wonderful.

Yeah. You were pretty
wonderful yourself.

It can be so
wonderful, can't it?

You bet.

Thank god there's no danger
of all of that starting again.

Right. We know what kind
of hell that would lead to.

Amen.

Will there be anything else?

Two of these.

Make it three.

I want some more of this
chocolate. I want more chocolate.

Go on. Go on.

We must come back.