Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 11 - Don Juan Is Hell - full transcript
Carla is the bar's resident sports trivia buff, and takes on all comers. Woody thinks he's up to the challenge and tries to memorize all in Carla's sports book. He ultimately goes just a little too far in his studying. Diane is doing some studying of her own. She is taking a psychology course on human sexuality, and is racking her brain to come up with an interesting term paper topic. Sam figures that sex is his area of expertise, and thus offers to be Diane's term paper subject. She's a bit reluctant at first due to their past sexual history, but Sam is so adamant, she agrees. Without Sam's knowledge, she writes a paper on Don Juanism. The paper gets raves from her professor, who thinks it's publishable. His only reservations are that "Trevor" - the name she's given Sam in her paper - is too perfect an example of the subject that he could be construed as being made up. In getting the paper published, Diane has to decide whether to divulge Sam as Trevor, which could open up Sam's less than satisfying sexual life from a clinical perspective to public scrutiny. Meanwhile, Cliff is growing more, in his mind, specialty vegetables. Instead of a potato look-a-like of Richard Nixon, he's now got a squash with what he deems has a map of the Hawaiian Islands on it.
"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.
All right, 1955 a.I. Mvp.
Yogi berra.
Height of left field
wall at Fenway.
The green monster's
37 feet high.
I told you.
All right, here we go.
Ike delock's lifetime e.R.A.
4.03. Had enough?
The woman's a lean,
mean trivia machine.
Unbelievable. The best. I know.
Ask me something.
Forget it, Zeke.
There aren't any questions
about wheat in there.
Oh, and I suppose you know
everything that's in this book?
If it's in there, I know it.
Oh, yeah? Ok.
What's the library of congress
card catalogue number?
7-8-0-3...
4-7-6.
That's not even close.
You're crazy. Look there.
Where?
Uh, that's it exactly.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Hey, everybody, guess
what I grew in my greenhouse.
Not another potato that
looks like Richard Nixon?
I learned the error of my ways
I guess I was pretty off
the deep end there, huh?
This is nothing like that.
Look at that.
A map of the Hawaiian islands.
See the little bumps?
They're the exact shape and
formation of our 50th state. Huh?
Come on, cliff, don't
make me look, please.
Normie, this is one of nature's
fascinating little mutations here.
Resting in the hand of
one of her bigger ones.
All right, no skin off my nose.
I'll just put it in the
bag take it on home.
Hey, guess what's in the bag!
Human sexuality?
You don't have to broadcast it.
It happens to be assigned
reading for a required course.
You're blushing.
I'm not blushing.
I prefer to maintain
a sense of decorum,
unlike you, who brought in
common slides of your wedding night.
They were a big hit.
Your break was
over 10 minutes ago.
Oh, Carla, please.
I have to come up with a topic
for my psychology paper by tonight.
I'm at a complete loss.
Of course I could turn out
your run-of-the-mill essay
on sadomasochism, bestiality,
bondage and discipline,
but I'm looking for
something with a little pizzazz.
Hello, everybody!
Hi, Sam.
Would you please see if you
could light a fire under the stick.
She's been goofing off
for an hour. Oh, yeah?
She's got to write
some paper about sex
and she can't think of
anything to write about.
You're kidding me?
She studied for a whole
year at Sammy state.
Hey, there. I hear you're
writing a paper on sex.
Is there any way can I help out?
Thank you, Sam.
This paper is on
human sexuality.
No, come on, I'm serious.
I want to help.
Well, it had occurred to me
to use you as a case study.
But I lacked the
proper clinical distance,
so that's out of the question.
What are you talking about?
You got an "a-plus"
staring you in the face here.
Come on, we're pals, aren't we?
Come on, let me feel useful.
Well, you would be
an interesting study.
Great. Kind of slow in here.
Why don't you step
into my laboratory?
Well, all right.
I am desperate.
Sam, this has to be done
in a professional manner.
I hope you'll take
this seriously.
I'm only this far away from
a master's degree in, well,
37 different subjects,
but if I do well in this class,
psychology could
well be my major major.
Wow. And we
were here, huh, cliff.
We're always here.
Sam, before we start,
I want to warn you this
will be frank and candid.
We may be touching on
some highly sensitive areas.
Whoo! I like the
sound of it already.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Ok, hwy don't we
start with your parents.
Would you describe them
as physically demonstrative?
I'm here, aren't I?
They must've been.
Uh...
Why are you asking
me about my parents?
I'm asking about your parents
to lay a psychological
foundation
for your later behavior.
This isn't as much fun as
I thought it was gonna be.
When are we gonna get to me?
Ok. Why don't we jump
to your relationships
outside the family? Yeah.
A what age did you have
your first sexual encounter?
Oh, all right,
that's more like it.
Ok.
"Trevor, a case
study." Who's Trevor?
That's you.
You're not gonna use my name?
Of course not.
So I do all the work, and
this Trevor guy gets the credit?
Sam, this isn't your resume.
In psychological treatise,
real names are never used.
Yeah, but at least I should be
able to choose my own name?
How about Duke?
It's my paper,
and I like Trevor.
All right, fine. Let's
see, where were we?
You wanted to know
about my first time, right?
Yes. How old were you?
Boy, I'm not sure.
I know I couldn't
get to her house
until the crossing
guard showed up.
Wow, first time is kind
of hard to remember.
What about your first time?
I'm the scientist, Sam.
My first time has
nothing to do with this.
But just to lay
the subject to rest,
it was the summer
of my 19th year.
He was a young man in uniform.
It was a brief encounter.
He left my arms
and went to his doom.
Oh, no. He was killed, huh?
No, no. He went off to
boot camp and came back
with the most god-awful
haircut I've ever seen.
Now may we get back to you?
Limit your responses
to attitudes.
Please leave out
the gory details.
What about your
second encounter?
Well, that would be
the crossing guard.
So, Woody, ready
to take on Carla
in the sports trivia contest?
Yeah, well, I've been
studying all week long,
so go ahead. Test me.
All right, uh...
In what game did Ted
Williams break his elbow?
Ted who?
I'd take another
quick peek in the book.
Diane?
Dr. Greenspon.
What on earth are
you doing here?
I just wanted to come
by and tell you in person.
I've read your paper, and I
think it is absolutely extraordinary.
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised
if the new england
journal of psychology
wanted to publish it.
Forgive me for losing my academic
demeanor for a few moments.
Oh, yippee!
Oh!
I'm sorry.
That's quite all right.
Would you like a drink?
I'd love a beer, please.
Coming right up.
Of course, I do have a
couple of reservations.
Oh?
Well, the most significant
concerns your
psychological subject Trevor.
Since you seem to have found
such a near perfect
example of Don juanism,
there are bound to be
those who are going to doubt
this paper's authenticity.
Doctor, I assure you
every word is true,
although I
understand your doubt.
It's hard to believe
that such a man exists.
Doctor, um...
Why don't you have
a seat over there
for just a couple of minutes.
I'll join you soon. There
are a few things I have to do.
Sam.
Yeah.
Would you mind
if I revealed your identity
to my psychology
professor, Dr. Greenspon?
Mind?
Yo, doc! Trevor here.
Alias Sam Malone.
Oh. Lowell greenspon.
That's an amazing
case history you have.
Yeah, isn't it? Knock on wood.
You'd say that the
paper's accurate?
Well, now, we had to
change a few of the names
to protect the satisfied.
Well, it's been very
nice to meet you.
Yeah, you, too.
Thank you, Sam.
No. Thank you very much.
What a find you
have there, Diane.
So you really think
it's publishable?
Well, that brings me
to my other reservation.
In Trevor you've shown
us the cause, yes?
What the paper
lacks is the effect.
Now, if you could possibly
find one of these conquests
to learn why she's so gullible,
what gives her
such low self-esteem
so that she could possibly fall
for this blatant manipulation?
I don't know.
Well, if you did,
I don't see how the "journal"
could fail to publish it.
Hey, Woody.
Huh?
Get your nose out of that book.
How much more trivia can
you cram into that head?
Yeah. Maybe you're right.
My brain must be full
because my hair hurts.
Why don't you
call Carla over here
before I forget everything.
Hey, Carla. You've got a brash
young challenger over here
says he's gonna boot you off the
top of the sports trivia mountain.
Oh, yeah? Yep.
They've said it before, I've always
left them bleeding in the dust.
I say Jethro goes
down in three questions.
Ok.
Everybody gather around
for the sports trivia
championships.
Give me your best shot.
What was the lowest
round ever recorded
in a pga-sanctioned
golf tournament?
59. Al geiberger.
He's right.
Who was the oldest
heavyweight champion?
Jersey Joe walcott.
Bingo.
Those were easy questions.
You're gonna choke on this one.
Who was the only pitcher
to ever lose a one-hitter
in the world series?
Bill bevans.
He did it.
All right!
Hey, my man.
New York Yankees, 1947,
against the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Good, Woody.
Goodwoody. Elmer goodwoody.
Shortstop, Boston beaneaters.
It's all right,
buddy, take a rest.
Take-a-rest.
Winner of the
California derby, 1959.
10.80 to win, 6.40 to place,
3.20 to show.
So you like my rewrite?
Oh, yes. I just
can't get over it.
I mean, who would
have thought this Colette
that you described as
"rapturously
beautiful, intelligent,
indeed brilliant with
an ethereal quality,"
could be so easily
manipulated by Trevor.
Trevor is not
without his charms,
crude as they may be.
Well, but they're
so transparent.
The woman would
have to be addled.
She'd have to be
totally lacking...
Thank you. I think
your point is made.
Oh, hi, doc.
Oh, my.
Is that the paper there?
This is it.
You know, I still haven't had a chance
to read it. You mind if I take a look?
Oh, you wouldn't enjoy it, Sam.
Oh, don't be modest.
I know I'm looking forward
to your presentation of
the paper in class tonight.
Thank you, doctor.
Tonight? Wait a second here.
I'm the headline
act of that thing.
You mind if I sit
in on the class?
Oh, Sam, you
wouldn't enjoy the class.
It's very dry and boring.
No reflection on you, professor.
I mean to someone of
Sam's limited intelligence.
Not a reflection on you, Sam,
what I mean is,
don't you have to
cover for Woody tonight?
Oh, you're right.
Well, hey, too bad, huh, doc?
Shoot! That did
sound like fun, too.
Wait a second
here. I got an idea.
Why don't you bring
them all over here,
kind of a field trip?
See Trevor in action.
We can hardly do that.
But I don't think some of
the members wouldn't mind
coming by for a
drink afterwards.
It would give them a chance to
meet the clinical case in the flesh.
I'm gonna promise that.
We'll just see how the
evening goes, all right?
Excuse me.
He's remarkable!
Sam.
Sam.
Not now. I'm preparing
my lecture here.
It's about time
I gave something back
to the sport that's
given me so much.
Sam, I think you should
read this after all. Oh.
It's not what you think.
Now, if you change your mind
about the class coming here tonight,
call me at home.
I'll understand.
All right.
"The Don Juan syndrome
in modern culture.
"An analysis of...
"Sat...
"Sate...
"Sater...
Satyriasis."
Oh, man, she did it.
She even made
my sex life boring.
And not for the first time.
Excuse me. Is there
a cliff clovin here?
It's, uh... Cliff clavin, partner,
and you're looking at him.
Hi. I'm a reporter
from the chronicle.
You the guy that sent
in this picture of a squash
with the Hawaiian islands on it?
Yeah, yeah. What
did I tell you guys?
The is one story
they couldn't "squash."
To be honest, it's not
the squash I'm looking for.
Actually it's part
of a larger story
on eccentrics here in Boston.
You know, the lunatic fringe.
Lonely people
desperate for attention.
Yeah, yeah, but
where do I fit in?
You come right
after the old lady
with the 84 snakes.
Ok, I'm insulted.
I'll thank you to leave.
They don't pay me enough.
Cliffie. All right. You
stuck up to that guy,
you didn't let him exploit you.
Yeah, sheese.
Who the hell do they
think they're dealing with?
Giving my squash second billing
to a broad with a
bunch of snakes.
Hey, how would you to get a
look inside that old bag's head?
Professor Malone,
I think we've got a
little class in session.
Hi, doc. Over here.
Welcome, everybody.
Why don't you come on over and
take a seat anywhere over here.
There's no need to be so formal.
But if you have
something prepared?
Oh, just a few things
off the top of my head.
Did you bring an
apple for the teacher?
Sam, I didn't hear from you,
so I assume you read the paper.
Paper? Oh, yeah,
couldn't put it down.
Are you sure you still
want to go through with this?
Oh, absolutely. But,
Sam, I don't feel...
Take a seat here.
You don't want
to be late for class.
Ok, sit down.
Welcome, everybody.
Now, I realize you
came here to meet me
and find out what
makes a guy like me tick.
So I asked myself,
"what makes you so
different from everybody else
when it comes to
scoring big with women?"
And I think it's
this... I love ladies.
I love the way they smell,
the way they sound,
and the way they feel.
And by the way,
that shade of lipstick
really compliments that
rosy glow in your cheeks.
Unbelievable.
Now, see, I'm not the
only one who thinks that.
Ok, all right, enough
about me here.
Let's open up this
discussion a little bit.
What's your name, son?
Barry.
Barry, all right, Barry,
why don't you tell me
what do you do when you
meet a girl for the first time.
Well, I talk to her,
and I let her know
that I respect her
as a human being.
I ask her out without
putting pressure on her,
and I let the relationship
grow naturally.
Well...
We all have
some pretty crazy
ideas when we're young.
Ok, can anyone tell me
where Barry went off the beam?
Miss chambers
has a thought here.
All right. Well, all
right. I guess so.
We can take five here.
Smoke them if you've got them.
You didn't read this, did you?
Didn't have to. I lived it.
Sit down. Please.
"Trevor's the image of
the arrested adolescent,
"entirely self-orientated,
"still intimidated by
the women around him
"and attempting to prove
himself superior to them.
"Through sexual conquest,
"he can for a time quell his
fears of inferiority and failure.
"Indeed the idea of a
non-sexual relationship
"is completely foreign to him.
"As the years pass
"and his physical
attractiveness diminishes,
"he'll be doomed to a life
of loneliness and despair,
unable to give or receive love."
Is this really how
you feel about me?
This is my clinical view of you.
As a woman
I might have felt
something different
than I feel as an academician.
Makes my life seem so...
Cheap and pathetic.
Sam, you're reading
things into this.
Like here where it says,
"his life is cheap
and pathetic"?
Oh, don't be hurt.
I hate it when you're hurt.
This is not a true
picture of you.
I exaggerated
in order to
corroborate my thesis.
Boy, I don't know.
Maybe I am gonna
end up this way.
You're not listening to me!
This is a paper,
theory and conjecture.
I was going for a grade.
I told him the professor what
I thought he wanted to hear.
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
I mean, everything
in here is true,
including the part about
I've never had "a
non-sexual relationship."
Now, there.
That's a good example
of exaggeration.
You and I have a
non-sexual relationship.
How can you say that?
Well, I think the fact
that we don't have sex
is a major hint.
That's just because we promised
to try to keep our distance.
And we have.
Our relationship has reached
the mature adult stage.
Well, I wish there was some way
I could prove it to you.
Well, maybe there is.
Sit on my lap.
I'm just trying to
convince myself
that I can be close to a woman
without it being sexual.
The silliest thing I've...
Come on, Diane.
Well, if it'll help prove
something to you,
all right.
Boy, you're nervous.
I am not.
There. We did it.
Hey, come on! Come on!
You can't just get up like that.
That doesn't prove anything.
Come sit here
and let's try to have a
normal conversation.
There is nothing
normal about this.
Hey.
What do you want to talk about?
It doesn't matter.
Anything. How about the weather?
Ok.
Nice weather.
A little nippy.
Well, that's because
we're in Boston.
Now, if we were
in, say, Tahiti...
Hmm.
We'd be lying in the sun.
Getting a tan.
Maybe even a sunburn.
Well, not if we rubbed
oil all over each other.
What are we trying
to prove again?
Something about
that I can carry on
a normal conversation
without it being sexual.
Well, so much for
the weather. Oh, yeah.
How about music?
No. We don't like
the same music.
Well, we can talk about that.
All right, uh...
I like rock'n'roll.
I like classical.
The harmonies.
Grandeur.
The hot guitar licks.
The strings washing over you
in a darkened concert hall.
The driving beat.
The low moan of the cello.
The drums,
pounding, pounding, pounding.
But if we don't
agree, we don't agree.
Yeah, right. What's
that leave us?
Religion. Religion,
all right. The Bible.
Adam. Eve.
Fig leaves. Sin.
All right!
Well, I think we
proved our point.
Clearly, we have a
nonsexual relationship,
and you are a fine human being.
Well, thank you, Diane.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go out there
and tell them my
paper's completely invalid.
Your knob? Yes, I believe so.
a live studio audience.
All right, 1955 a.I. Mvp.
Yogi berra.
Height of left field
wall at Fenway.
The green monster's
37 feet high.
I told you.
All right, here we go.
Ike delock's lifetime e.R.A.
4.03. Had enough?
The woman's a lean,
mean trivia machine.
Unbelievable. The best. I know.
Ask me something.
Forget it, Zeke.
There aren't any questions
about wheat in there.
Oh, and I suppose you know
everything that's in this book?
If it's in there, I know it.
Oh, yeah? Ok.
What's the library of congress
card catalogue number?
7-8-0-3...
4-7-6.
That's not even close.
You're crazy. Look there.
Where?
Uh, that's it exactly.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Hey, everybody, guess
what I grew in my greenhouse.
Not another potato that
looks like Richard Nixon?
I learned the error of my ways
I guess I was pretty off
the deep end there, huh?
This is nothing like that.
Look at that.
A map of the Hawaiian islands.
See the little bumps?
They're the exact shape and
formation of our 50th state. Huh?
Come on, cliff, don't
make me look, please.
Normie, this is one of nature's
fascinating little mutations here.
Resting in the hand of
one of her bigger ones.
All right, no skin off my nose.
I'll just put it in the
bag take it on home.
Hey, guess what's in the bag!
Human sexuality?
You don't have to broadcast it.
It happens to be assigned
reading for a required course.
You're blushing.
I'm not blushing.
I prefer to maintain
a sense of decorum,
unlike you, who brought in
common slides of your wedding night.
They were a big hit.
Your break was
over 10 minutes ago.
Oh, Carla, please.
I have to come up with a topic
for my psychology paper by tonight.
I'm at a complete loss.
Of course I could turn out
your run-of-the-mill essay
on sadomasochism, bestiality,
bondage and discipline,
but I'm looking for
something with a little pizzazz.
Hello, everybody!
Hi, Sam.
Would you please see if you
could light a fire under the stick.
She's been goofing off
for an hour. Oh, yeah?
She's got to write
some paper about sex
and she can't think of
anything to write about.
You're kidding me?
She studied for a whole
year at Sammy state.
Hey, there. I hear you're
writing a paper on sex.
Is there any way can I help out?
Thank you, Sam.
This paper is on
human sexuality.
No, come on, I'm serious.
I want to help.
Well, it had occurred to me
to use you as a case study.
But I lacked the
proper clinical distance,
so that's out of the question.
What are you talking about?
You got an "a-plus"
staring you in the face here.
Come on, we're pals, aren't we?
Come on, let me feel useful.
Well, you would be
an interesting study.
Great. Kind of slow in here.
Why don't you step
into my laboratory?
Well, all right.
I am desperate.
Sam, this has to be done
in a professional manner.
I hope you'll take
this seriously.
I'm only this far away from
a master's degree in, well,
37 different subjects,
but if I do well in this class,
psychology could
well be my major major.
Wow. And we
were here, huh, cliff.
We're always here.
Sam, before we start,
I want to warn you this
will be frank and candid.
We may be touching on
some highly sensitive areas.
Whoo! I like the
sound of it already.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Ok, hwy don't we
start with your parents.
Would you describe them
as physically demonstrative?
I'm here, aren't I?
They must've been.
Uh...
Why are you asking
me about my parents?
I'm asking about your parents
to lay a psychological
foundation
for your later behavior.
This isn't as much fun as
I thought it was gonna be.
When are we gonna get to me?
Ok. Why don't we jump
to your relationships
outside the family? Yeah.
A what age did you have
your first sexual encounter?
Oh, all right,
that's more like it.
Ok.
"Trevor, a case
study." Who's Trevor?
That's you.
You're not gonna use my name?
Of course not.
So I do all the work, and
this Trevor guy gets the credit?
Sam, this isn't your resume.
In psychological treatise,
real names are never used.
Yeah, but at least I should be
able to choose my own name?
How about Duke?
It's my paper,
and I like Trevor.
All right, fine. Let's
see, where were we?
You wanted to know
about my first time, right?
Yes. How old were you?
Boy, I'm not sure.
I know I couldn't
get to her house
until the crossing
guard showed up.
Wow, first time is kind
of hard to remember.
What about your first time?
I'm the scientist, Sam.
My first time has
nothing to do with this.
But just to lay
the subject to rest,
it was the summer
of my 19th year.
He was a young man in uniform.
It was a brief encounter.
He left my arms
and went to his doom.
Oh, no. He was killed, huh?
No, no. He went off to
boot camp and came back
with the most god-awful
haircut I've ever seen.
Now may we get back to you?
Limit your responses
to attitudes.
Please leave out
the gory details.
What about your
second encounter?
Well, that would be
the crossing guard.
So, Woody, ready
to take on Carla
in the sports trivia contest?
Yeah, well, I've been
studying all week long,
so go ahead. Test me.
All right, uh...
In what game did Ted
Williams break his elbow?
Ted who?
I'd take another
quick peek in the book.
Diane?
Dr. Greenspon.
What on earth are
you doing here?
I just wanted to come
by and tell you in person.
I've read your paper, and I
think it is absolutely extraordinary.
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised
if the new england
journal of psychology
wanted to publish it.
Forgive me for losing my academic
demeanor for a few moments.
Oh, yippee!
Oh!
I'm sorry.
That's quite all right.
Would you like a drink?
I'd love a beer, please.
Coming right up.
Of course, I do have a
couple of reservations.
Oh?
Well, the most significant
concerns your
psychological subject Trevor.
Since you seem to have found
such a near perfect
example of Don juanism,
there are bound to be
those who are going to doubt
this paper's authenticity.
Doctor, I assure you
every word is true,
although I
understand your doubt.
It's hard to believe
that such a man exists.
Doctor, um...
Why don't you have
a seat over there
for just a couple of minutes.
I'll join you soon. There
are a few things I have to do.
Sam.
Yeah.
Would you mind
if I revealed your identity
to my psychology
professor, Dr. Greenspon?
Mind?
Yo, doc! Trevor here.
Alias Sam Malone.
Oh. Lowell greenspon.
That's an amazing
case history you have.
Yeah, isn't it? Knock on wood.
You'd say that the
paper's accurate?
Well, now, we had to
change a few of the names
to protect the satisfied.
Well, it's been very
nice to meet you.
Yeah, you, too.
Thank you, Sam.
No. Thank you very much.
What a find you
have there, Diane.
So you really think
it's publishable?
Well, that brings me
to my other reservation.
In Trevor you've shown
us the cause, yes?
What the paper
lacks is the effect.
Now, if you could possibly
find one of these conquests
to learn why she's so gullible,
what gives her
such low self-esteem
so that she could possibly fall
for this blatant manipulation?
I don't know.
Well, if you did,
I don't see how the "journal"
could fail to publish it.
Hey, Woody.
Huh?
Get your nose out of that book.
How much more trivia can
you cram into that head?
Yeah. Maybe you're right.
My brain must be full
because my hair hurts.
Why don't you
call Carla over here
before I forget everything.
Hey, Carla. You've got a brash
young challenger over here
says he's gonna boot you off the
top of the sports trivia mountain.
Oh, yeah? Yep.
They've said it before, I've always
left them bleeding in the dust.
I say Jethro goes
down in three questions.
Ok.
Everybody gather around
for the sports trivia
championships.
Give me your best shot.
What was the lowest
round ever recorded
in a pga-sanctioned
golf tournament?
59. Al geiberger.
He's right.
Who was the oldest
heavyweight champion?
Jersey Joe walcott.
Bingo.
Those were easy questions.
You're gonna choke on this one.
Who was the only pitcher
to ever lose a one-hitter
in the world series?
Bill bevans.
He did it.
All right!
Hey, my man.
New York Yankees, 1947,
against the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Good, Woody.
Goodwoody. Elmer goodwoody.
Shortstop, Boston beaneaters.
It's all right,
buddy, take a rest.
Take-a-rest.
Winner of the
California derby, 1959.
10.80 to win, 6.40 to place,
3.20 to show.
So you like my rewrite?
Oh, yes. I just
can't get over it.
I mean, who would
have thought this Colette
that you described as
"rapturously
beautiful, intelligent,
indeed brilliant with
an ethereal quality,"
could be so easily
manipulated by Trevor.
Trevor is not
without his charms,
crude as they may be.
Well, but they're
so transparent.
The woman would
have to be addled.
She'd have to be
totally lacking...
Thank you. I think
your point is made.
Oh, hi, doc.
Oh, my.
Is that the paper there?
This is it.
You know, I still haven't had a chance
to read it. You mind if I take a look?
Oh, you wouldn't enjoy it, Sam.
Oh, don't be modest.
I know I'm looking forward
to your presentation of
the paper in class tonight.
Thank you, doctor.
Tonight? Wait a second here.
I'm the headline
act of that thing.
You mind if I sit
in on the class?
Oh, Sam, you
wouldn't enjoy the class.
It's very dry and boring.
No reflection on you, professor.
I mean to someone of
Sam's limited intelligence.
Not a reflection on you, Sam,
what I mean is,
don't you have to
cover for Woody tonight?
Oh, you're right.
Well, hey, too bad, huh, doc?
Shoot! That did
sound like fun, too.
Wait a second
here. I got an idea.
Why don't you bring
them all over here,
kind of a field trip?
See Trevor in action.
We can hardly do that.
But I don't think some of
the members wouldn't mind
coming by for a
drink afterwards.
It would give them a chance to
meet the clinical case in the flesh.
I'm gonna promise that.
We'll just see how the
evening goes, all right?
Excuse me.
He's remarkable!
Sam.
Sam.
Not now. I'm preparing
my lecture here.
It's about time
I gave something back
to the sport that's
given me so much.
Sam, I think you should
read this after all. Oh.
It's not what you think.
Now, if you change your mind
about the class coming here tonight,
call me at home.
I'll understand.
All right.
"The Don Juan syndrome
in modern culture.
"An analysis of...
"Sat...
"Sate...
"Sater...
Satyriasis."
Oh, man, she did it.
She even made
my sex life boring.
And not for the first time.
Excuse me. Is there
a cliff clovin here?
It's, uh... Cliff clavin, partner,
and you're looking at him.
Hi. I'm a reporter
from the chronicle.
You the guy that sent
in this picture of a squash
with the Hawaiian islands on it?
Yeah, yeah. What
did I tell you guys?
The is one story
they couldn't "squash."
To be honest, it's not
the squash I'm looking for.
Actually it's part
of a larger story
on eccentrics here in Boston.
You know, the lunatic fringe.
Lonely people
desperate for attention.
Yeah, yeah, but
where do I fit in?
You come right
after the old lady
with the 84 snakes.
Ok, I'm insulted.
I'll thank you to leave.
They don't pay me enough.
Cliffie. All right. You
stuck up to that guy,
you didn't let him exploit you.
Yeah, sheese.
Who the hell do they
think they're dealing with?
Giving my squash second billing
to a broad with a
bunch of snakes.
Hey, how would you to get a
look inside that old bag's head?
Professor Malone,
I think we've got a
little class in session.
Hi, doc. Over here.
Welcome, everybody.
Why don't you come on over and
take a seat anywhere over here.
There's no need to be so formal.
But if you have
something prepared?
Oh, just a few things
off the top of my head.
Did you bring an
apple for the teacher?
Sam, I didn't hear from you,
so I assume you read the paper.
Paper? Oh, yeah,
couldn't put it down.
Are you sure you still
want to go through with this?
Oh, absolutely. But,
Sam, I don't feel...
Take a seat here.
You don't want
to be late for class.
Ok, sit down.
Welcome, everybody.
Now, I realize you
came here to meet me
and find out what
makes a guy like me tick.
So I asked myself,
"what makes you so
different from everybody else
when it comes to
scoring big with women?"
And I think it's
this... I love ladies.
I love the way they smell,
the way they sound,
and the way they feel.
And by the way,
that shade of lipstick
really compliments that
rosy glow in your cheeks.
Unbelievable.
Now, see, I'm not the
only one who thinks that.
Ok, all right, enough
about me here.
Let's open up this
discussion a little bit.
What's your name, son?
Barry.
Barry, all right, Barry,
why don't you tell me
what do you do when you
meet a girl for the first time.
Well, I talk to her,
and I let her know
that I respect her
as a human being.
I ask her out without
putting pressure on her,
and I let the relationship
grow naturally.
Well...
We all have
some pretty crazy
ideas when we're young.
Ok, can anyone tell me
where Barry went off the beam?
Miss chambers
has a thought here.
All right. Well, all
right. I guess so.
We can take five here.
Smoke them if you've got them.
You didn't read this, did you?
Didn't have to. I lived it.
Sit down. Please.
"Trevor's the image of
the arrested adolescent,
"entirely self-orientated,
"still intimidated by
the women around him
"and attempting to prove
himself superior to them.
"Through sexual conquest,
"he can for a time quell his
fears of inferiority and failure.
"Indeed the idea of a
non-sexual relationship
"is completely foreign to him.
"As the years pass
"and his physical
attractiveness diminishes,
"he'll be doomed to a life
of loneliness and despair,
unable to give or receive love."
Is this really how
you feel about me?
This is my clinical view of you.
As a woman
I might have felt
something different
than I feel as an academician.
Makes my life seem so...
Cheap and pathetic.
Sam, you're reading
things into this.
Like here where it says,
"his life is cheap
and pathetic"?
Oh, don't be hurt.
I hate it when you're hurt.
This is not a true
picture of you.
I exaggerated
in order to
corroborate my thesis.
Boy, I don't know.
Maybe I am gonna
end up this way.
You're not listening to me!
This is a paper,
theory and conjecture.
I was going for a grade.
I told him the professor what
I thought he wanted to hear.
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
I mean, everything
in here is true,
including the part about
I've never had "a
non-sexual relationship."
Now, there.
That's a good example
of exaggeration.
You and I have a
non-sexual relationship.
How can you say that?
Well, I think the fact
that we don't have sex
is a major hint.
That's just because we promised
to try to keep our distance.
And we have.
Our relationship has reached
the mature adult stage.
Well, I wish there was some way
I could prove it to you.
Well, maybe there is.
Sit on my lap.
I'm just trying to
convince myself
that I can be close to a woman
without it being sexual.
The silliest thing I've...
Come on, Diane.
Well, if it'll help prove
something to you,
all right.
Boy, you're nervous.
I am not.
There. We did it.
Hey, come on! Come on!
You can't just get up like that.
That doesn't prove anything.
Come sit here
and let's try to have a
normal conversation.
There is nothing
normal about this.
Hey.
What do you want to talk about?
It doesn't matter.
Anything. How about the weather?
Ok.
Nice weather.
A little nippy.
Well, that's because
we're in Boston.
Now, if we were
in, say, Tahiti...
Hmm.
We'd be lying in the sun.
Getting a tan.
Maybe even a sunburn.
Well, not if we rubbed
oil all over each other.
What are we trying
to prove again?
Something about
that I can carry on
a normal conversation
without it being sexual.
Well, so much for
the weather. Oh, yeah.
How about music?
No. We don't like
the same music.
Well, we can talk about that.
All right, uh...
I like rock'n'roll.
I like classical.
The harmonies.
Grandeur.
The hot guitar licks.
The strings washing over you
in a darkened concert hall.
The driving beat.
The low moan of the cello.
The drums,
pounding, pounding, pounding.
But if we don't
agree, we don't agree.
Yeah, right. What's
that leave us?
Religion. Religion,
all right. The Bible.
Adam. Eve.
Fig leaves. Sin.
All right!
Well, I think we
proved our point.
Clearly, we have a
nonsexual relationship,
and you are a fine human being.
Well, thank you, Diane.
So if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go out there
and tell them my
paper's completely invalid.
Your knob? Yes, I believe so.