Cheers (1982–1993): Season 4, Episode 12 - Fools and Their Money - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

What can I get you?

What have you got?

Anything you want.

I'll bet you do.

Why don't you tell me?

Maybe you'd like to see a menu.

Nah, don't need one.

I know what I want.

We talking about the same thing?

I think so.



Then maybe you'd like to
whisper what you want...

In my ear.

Scotch and soda?

Ooh, he's toying with me.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪



♪ you wanna be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

[Cheering]

Good lord, Sam.

Isn't this the tenth football
game you've watched today?

It only seems that way.
That's the beauty of football.

Ahh, sundays.

The incessant drone
of the television,

the stench of beer and
monosyllabic conversation.

That's it, get into it, girl.

Diane, listen, I dropped
by to give you a bit of news.

I've decided to go
away for a while.

I just want to
collect my thoughts,

see if things look brighter
from a new perspective.

Frasier, I think
that's terrific news.

A very positive step.

I'm so happy for you.

Thank you. I'm happy for myself.

Oh, say, wait a second, Diane.

A crazy notion just
jumped into my head.

I don't know where it came from.

But I was wondering if
you'd like to come along.

I mean, after all, we
do travel well together,

and we have that
matching luggage.

Frasier, I really don't think

that would be a
good idea at all.

Of course.

I understand.

Oh, Diane, uh...

I've been putting off
telling you something,

but I feel I must now.

You've been using the word
"really" far too frequently.

In fact, it's become
really noticeable.

It's really quite
maddening, really.

Frasier, I know
you're disappointed

that I didn't accept
your invitation,

but I really... I don't think

that's any reason
to get on my case.

"Get on my case."

What a charming bit of slang.

Frasier, nitpicking at my choice

of the correct modern English

does not make you any
more attractive to me.

If that is the purpose
in your visits here,

perhaps you should
find another tavern

in which to bore the
life out of the clientele.

Oh, I'm so sorry
to disappoint you,

miss god's gift to men.

It just so happens I come here

to share the companionship
of my male friends.

So, men, what's on
the agenda tonight?

Football. Football.

Oh, good lord.

I mean, rah!

Using a colloquialism to
ingratiate yourself with the rabble?

How very sad.
How really very sad.

Did you see that
bootleg by Montana?

The guy's unstoppable.

Hey, Woody, looks like you're
gonna win the bar pool today.

Hey, the rams
still have a chance.

And if they make a comeback,

I take the pool.

Woody, if you win this,

that's gonna make
three weeks straight

you've been in the money.

Yeah, yeah, I guess
I'm on a streak.

You know, I've always
been a lucky guy.

Back home I won a haircut.

What the heck kind
of contest was that?

Well, it wasn't
really a contest.

It was just policy.

See, if the barber
nicks your ear,

you get a free haircut.

I think schopenhauer
put it aptly

when he said, "noise is
the most contemptuous

of all forms of interruption."

Impertinent!

Excuse me?

What you were trying to say was,

"noise is the most impertinent

of all forms of interruption."

She said "contemptuous."
Can you believe that?

I thought I'd have a conniption.

I want you to stop
this quibbling at once.

We're the only 2 entities of any
discernible intellect in this place.

It is our duty to set an
example for the others.

You're only saying that because
you know I'm smarter than you are.

[Scoffs]

This from a man who mispronounced
remoulade at his dinner party.

Diane, I am fed up with
the remoulade incident!

[Both yelling]

Hey, hey, would
you two cut it out?

You're drowning out a
perfectly good tire commercial.

[Whistle blows]

Yep, there's the final.

Looks like you won, woodrow.

Thank you very much.

I want you to know I couldn't
have done it without all you guys

because... well,
this is your money.

Here you go, 75 big ones.

Paul, second place, 25.

You did good, kid, but I still
think I got a more reliable system.

Yeah? I could really
use one. What's yours?

I just bet opposite
of whatever you pick.

So, Woody, what's this
system you got up your sleeve?

Yeah, Woody?

I don't actually have one.

I just kind of look at the
picks, and one team jumps out.

He's got it down to a science.

Imagine how much
you would have made

if you'd parlayed
some of those bets.

What's that mean?

That's when you bet a
series of games with a bookie.

You got to win them all,
so the odds are pretty long.

Well, do you guys
know a real bookie?

I got a friend who's got a
friend who's got a friend.

And he's a bookie?

No, but his friend is.

Wow! You know, if
I bet with a bookie,

I'd have something to
tell my grandchildren.

Sam...

I don't think you should
encourage Woody

to pursue illegal activities.

Oh, lighten up, will you, Diane?

It's part of a guy's
passage into maturity,

you know like going to a
cathouse or whizzing off a balcony...

Mooning out of
the back of a car.

Or on a really
good night, all three.

Ah, yes, the triple.

Why don't we...

Yeah, good idea.

I got the schedule for
next week's games here.

Anything jumping out at you?

Yeah! These are the
strongest feelings I've had yet.

What do you got? What's up?

All right, um...

Indianapolis, tampa bay...

Buffalo just hit
me right in the eye.

Yeah, I'll bet. What's so funny?

Those teams you
picked are long shots.

He doesn't even know the
point spreads are. Come on.

What difference does that make?

I haven't looked at
point spreads all year.

Sam, I'd like to bet these
teams with your bookie.

Ok. All right,

how much do you want
to put down, 20, 30 bucks?

$1,000.

You own $1,000?

Yes, ma'am. It's all my savings.

Woody, I'm not gonna let you throw
away all your money on gambling.

Yeah, Woody, all that
money on one shot,

you gotta be nuts.

Yeah, why don't you sit
down and give it a little thought.

I've been observing what's
been going on over here,

and I have something to say.

Listen up here, Woody.

Do you realize that in
the course of the evening,

Diane has made 17 errors

in the areas of grammar...

Etiquette...

And statement of fact?

Frasier...

Your pedantry is insufferable.

And you suck eggs!

All right, Sam, I've
thought about it.

And I've decided I definitely
want to make the bet.

No, you don't. Think some more.

Well, I'm the one who's
been winning the pools.

Hey, you know what I think?
You think I'm some dumb hick

who can't make it on
his own in the big city.

No. I don't. I just think it's a
dumb bet. Case closed, Woody.

But it's my money, and
I'm willing to take the risk.

Woody, I can dig up
a bookie somewhere.

I'll make the bet for you.

Woody, I'll make
the bet for you.

Might as well
keep it in the family.

Sam.

No, you heard him.

It's his decision. It's his
money. He's a grownup.

Where's your money?

Thanks, Sam.

Come on, man, don't tell me
you keep your money in your shoe.

Boy, you guys really do think

I just fell off
the turnip truck.

This is where I keep the map

of where the money's
buried in my backyard.

Hey, is that him?

Yeah, I think it is.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

aw. Aw. Aw.

Good to see you all, too.

Sorry, Sammy, we
thought you were Woody.

Yeah, can you believe it?
The kid actually hit his parlay.

Yeah, I know.

That's fantastic, isn't it?

So what is this? What
are you guys doing?

We're planning a celebration

in honor of Woody's
good fortune.

Ah, a celebration?

You mean like food, music,
drinks? That kind of thing?

Yeah, well, we're not
providing any of that,

but we're hoping Mr. Moneybags

will spring for that
when he gets here.

I don't think it's
such a good idea

to make a big deal out of this.

You'd just be encouraging
him to gamble more.

He won 10,000 bucks.

What more encouragement
does he need?

Oh, fine.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Thanks a lot, guys.

Hey, but guess what.

I've got some great news.

I won that parlay.

We know, Woody. Congratulations.

Thanks, miss chambers.

So, Sam, did my
money get here yet?

No, not yet. They'll be
bringing it by pretty soon.

As a matter of fact, I'll
make a call right now.

Carla, why don't you
start that celebration here.

Hi, everybody.

Diane, listen, I'm
here to tell you

that I've just spent the most
painful week of my entire life.

I was ice fishing in subzero
degree temperatures in Nova Scotia.

I don't think I could have
stood it for another minute,

but it was worth it

because every iota
of pettiness in me

was left back on
that frozen tundra.

So I'm here just to ask
you to please forgive me.

Apology accepted.

Incomplete sentence.

Oh, my god!

I hope they're still biting.

What's this?

"Please..."

Something.

Please get in here!

Sam, is this an
"m" or a double "n"?

Will you forget about...
Sit down, will you?

I'm in big, big trouble.

I did something that
felt so right when I did it,

but now it turns
out to be all wrong.

What's her name,
and how many months?

I never placed Woody's bet.

Oh, my god!

Sam, for the first
time in your life,

you had the right intentions,

and it still blew
up in your face.

It was such a stupid bet.

I was just trying
to protect him.

What am I gonna do?

I don't have $10,000.

Oh, dear.

Well, we know that
Woody actually did pick

the winning teams.

Yeah?

So? So...

Why don't you go to the...

Bookie... Bookie...

And tell him that
you honestly intended

to wager on those teams,

and see if he won't
give you the money.

That's a good idea.

While I'm at it, why
don't I just tell him

that I meant to bet on all on
all winning teams since 1975.

Can you do that? Please!

Well, Sam, why don't I just
sound Woody out for you?

There's always the possibility

that the money isn't
important to him.

Yeah, maybe not.

That's a good idea.

Oh, thank you!

Sam, by the way,

thank you for coming
to me for advice.

I'm touched.

Well, if this works
out, you will be.

Sam, the guy still didn't
show up with the money.

He is going to give
it to me, isn't he?

Of course he will. No
bookie would Welsh on a bet.

He'd be the lowest
spitwad on earth.

Actually murderers are lower.

You know, back home we take
welshers, rub them with bacon fat,

and throw them in the sty
with Romeo, the friendly hog.

Well, gee whiz...

Woody, why don't
you and I have a chat?

Sure, miss chambers.

There's a table right over here.

Woody...

I want to speak metaphysically.

And you need money
for the language lessons?

No problem.

Let's start again.

What I'm talking about
is the meaning of money.

What is it worth?

It can't buy love. It can't buy
friends. It can't buy happiness.

You're right, and I already
have all those things.

So in fact, you have everything.

It wouldn't matter

if you never got
that money at all.

Oh, you're serious?

I'm sorry, miss chambers.

You see, it's just that my
family never had a lot of money.

Still, my folks were always
making sacrifices for us kids,

especially my mom.

I remember something
she used to say to me.

She'd say, "Woody,
hold on to your dream.

I lost mine, but I want
yours to come true."

It always made me sad to
think of what mom gave up for us.

What was your mom's dream?

To be a drummer in a power trio.

Her big hero was
ginger baker in cream.

Whenever we'd walk by
the music store in town,

she'd just stare and stare
at the ludwigs in the window.

Even though she was standing
in front of Keller's music,

but in her head, she
was up on some stage

banging out the solo on "toad."

Must've been tough

to go back to breading cutlets.

Now she's going
to get those drums.

And with heavy
metal coming back,

who knows what might happen?

Bless you, Woody.

Bless you, miss chambers.

How did it go?

Not well.

Sam, I feel utterly defeated.

You came to me as a friend

asking for my advice,

and I let you down.

I know.

Is there anything I
can do to help you

in this time of crisis?

Not dressed.

Sam, maybe you ought
to call the bookie again.

Sit down. Will ya?

Woody, you know
that old expression,

"when you win a bet, you
never get paid for eight days"?

No, but I like it.

Well, it's an old
Irish expression,

which is probably why the
bookie hasn't shown up yet.

But you know what, it
gives you an opportunity

to do some financial planning.

Financial planning?

Yeah, you know, like
spreading out the payments

over a period of time,

just like they do with
the lottery winners.

Lottery winners?

Yeah. Listen, here's my plan.

Now, I'll keep the
$10,000 for you,

and I'll give you,
well, let's say,

$1.00 a week for 10,000 weeks.

Or maybe the deluxe
plan, you know...

2 bucks for 5,000 weeks.

What do you say?

That's a tough choice.

But I think I'll stick to
the whole thing at once.

You're kidding me!

You're missing
the obvious benefit

of spreading out the tax burden.

Am I right, norm?

Oh, yeah, great plan.

You'll be happy you did it
when you reach the age of 412.

Let's talk, Woody.

Come on.

Sit down, Woody.

I've been trying to think

of an easy way of saying this.

I don't think there is any.

I never placed your
bet with my bookie.

Here's your $1,000 back.

You never placed the bet?

No. I, uh... I was trying
to take care of you

the way coach used
to take care of me.

And it worked out
about as well, too,

which scares the hell out of me.

Sam.

I want to thank you.

You're welcome.

Wait a second here.

Why aren't you going crazy?

'Cause it's the nicest thing

that anyone ever did for me.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, not only did
I not make the bet,

I lied about it.

Woody, you should
be going crazy.

It was for my own good, Sam.

Look, come on, man.

Don't do this to me.

You're out $10,000
because of me.

You couldn't have known
how it was gonna turn out.

You thought I was going to lose.

No, wait a second.

What difference does that make?

Come on, I cheated
you out of $10,000.

I mean, who do I think I am?

You should want
to kill me, Woody!

It happened. I really don't
see the point in getting angry.

Aw, now, you're
not being honest.

Now, down deep, you're
mad. You know you are.

Maybe I am just a little.

No! You mean,
"hell, yes, I am, Sam!"

It's still the nicest thing

that anyone ever did for me.

You're a great man, Sam.

Oh, man, you're hopeless.

Go on, get out of here.

At least let me feel
like a jerk in private.

Sure, Sam.

I'm sorry.

No, don't say...

Sam. What?

I can't stand to
see you like this.

Would it make you feel better

if I took the dollar a week?

Come on, man, a dollar
a week is meaningless.

How about a dollar
a week and a raise?

Nice gesture. Not good enough.

Ok.

How about a dollar
a week, a raise...

And your corvette?

My car?

Not a chance.

Why not? Don't be
ridiculous. It's my car.

But you owe me $10,000.

I don't care.

I mean, it's my car.

You just said you wanted
to make it up to me.

We're talking about
my car, Woody!

I see.

You say you're sorry,
you say you care,

but when it comes down to it,

it's just a lot of lip motion.

No.

Well, I think that stinks!

That's good.

You're nothing but
a selfish, lying creep!

That's good. That's
good. You're angry.

You bet I am! I'm
gonna go pack my bags.

Wait! Wait a second.
What do you mean?

You're my boss,
and I yelled at you.

I can't stick around.

Woody, that was
just a little yelling.

That doesn't mean anything.

I know, but I've never
yelled at anybody

like that before in my life.

We can't be friends anymore.

Woody, come on, Woody,

friends yell at
each other. It's ok.

Coach and I used
to fight all the time,

but we were good friends.

Really? Yeah.

As a matter of fact, it
made us closer sometimes.

Oh, sure.

No, I'm serious.

Come here, come here.

Listen, coach was
a great peacemaker.

He had this little trick.

He'd, uh, you know,
after a big fight,

he'd make us put our
arms around each other

and sing home,
home on the range.

I know. Sounds
pretty silly, huh?

Yeah.

Well, uh... Do it
for me, anyway.

Come on, Woody.

Come on.

Yeah, there you go.

Coach used to start me
out on the first few notes.

♪ Oh, give me a home ♪

♪ where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ and the deer and
the antelope play ♪

how long are we gonna sing this?

Half an hour.

Coach said that if you could
sing home on the range with a man

for half an hour, you couldn't
possibly hold a grudge.

♪ Where seldom is heard ♪

♪ a discouraging word ♪

♪ and the skies are
not cloudy all day ♪

you feeling better?

I still want your car.

♪ Home, home on the range ♪

♪ where the deer
and the antelope play ♪

coach's old trick.

Oh, good. Everything's ok.

♪ ...A discouraging word ♪

♪ and the skies are
not cloudy all day ♪

♪ home, home on the range ♪