Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 10 - Diane's Allergy - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Yeah?

Hi. I'm looking for Sam Malone,

the ex-Red Sox player.

That's him over
there, behind the bar.

Boy, has he gotten old.

Oh!

No, no, son. I'm Sam Malone.

I know.

Does your mother know
you hang around in bars?

Mr. Malone, my brother Doug,



he's the biggest
Red Sox fan ever.

He's in the hospital
having his tonsil out.

It would mean a lot to him if
he could have an autograph.

Sure thing. No problem.

Here you go, Sam.

Not yours.

I figured you'd know where
to find Carl yastrzemski.

Well, no, I don't,

but I'll certainly start
you on your way.

Sam, hold it.

Just kidding. Here's your ball.

I'm sorry. I don't
know where he is.

We don't keep in touch.

Gee, Doug will be disappointed.



I don't know what to do.

Hey, could you sign it?

It's almost as good.

You sure your brother's
not going to mind?

Yeah. He doesn't know what
yastrzemski's handwriting looks like.

Good point, good point.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Ok. Cut the crap.

Today's my birthday.
You all know that.

So if you're planning a
surprise party for me...

And you damn well better be...

Let's get the show
on the road, huh?

Boy, if that's not a cue for
merriment, I don't know what is.

Just a small token
of my appreciation.

A very small token.

Well, you know what they say...

Good things come
in small packages.

No. Little things come
in small packages.

Oh! Perfume.

Hmm.

Nope...

Toilet water.

Let me see that.

Gag gift, gag gift.

I went for it. Ok.

All right, Carla.

[Straining]

Maybe this will
make it up to you.

Now, this is more
like it. All right!

A jelly bean.

Thank you, norm.

Another gag gift.

Oh, you guys are too much.

Oh! And garlic flavored!

Ooh! Good touch, there, norm.

All right, you guys.
All right, all right.

Come on. Stop it.
I tried to stop them,

but you know how these
clowns have to get these gags in.

Anyway, we saved
the best for last.

This is from me and from coach.

Huh!

Silverware.

Uh...

Lone ranger?

Yeah. You wear
it to ride on silver!

Don't you get it, Carla?

You wear it to ride on silver.

Silver wear!

Hilarious. Thanks a bunch, guys.

Hey, don't thank us.
It's the thought, huh?

Yeah!

Can we throw a party, or what?

Ah... there he is.

Frasier, can't we put
this off till tomorrow?

It's such a lovely evening.

Let's not despoil it.

Diane, you only inflame
violent emotional confrontations

by putting them off.

Your intelligence inflames me.

Oh, really?

Well, then...

E equals mc squared.

Wooo!

Ontogeny
recapitulates phylogeny.

Ooh! Ohh, baby.

Sam, how about a
couple of brandies?

Where were you guys?

You missed Carla's
birthday party.

We discovered this wonderful

little French-Japanese
restaurant.

Very chic, dark, romantic.

Yeah? You got to be careful
about those unlighted joints.

You never know what
kind of grubby-looking food

they're going to slip you.

Oh, not chez fujimoto.

Sam, frasier and I

have something
important to tell you.

Sam, this may be rough going.

Despite your vehement
protests to the contrary,

and with no intention of
disparaging your sincerity,

Diana and I believe that you may still
be suffering some emotional residue

from the turbulent
relationship you had with Diane.

I'm sorry, frasier.

I must have dozed off
for a paragraph or two.

What was he saying?

Sam, frasier and I came
to an important decision

tonight after dinner.

Sam, brace yourself.

Diane and I are
going to cohabitate.

Is that... right
here in the bar?

Well, I guess it's cheaper
than a piano player.

This is predictable.

Making jokes to mask the pain.

No, I don't understand what
you two are talking about.

Sam, I'm going to move into
frasier's fashionable townhouse.

And where's frasier
going to move to?

Sam, I believe you're
being deliberately opaque...

Frasier... He's making a joke.

Ha ha ha.

Oh. Shoot.

So you two are going
to shack up together?

Yes. I decided it was time.

I suddenly realized the only thing
that spoiled an evening with Diane

was having to say
good night to her.

Really? That was
one of my highlights.

Sam, we know how
much this has hurt you,

but your defensiveness about it

is becoming annoying.

Listen, I don't know what
you expected me to do

when you told me, but truth
is, this does not bother me.

I am very happy
for you two kids.

Well, thank you, Sam.
We couldn't be happier.

The only thing that could stand in
the way of a total commitment now

would be pavlov's response.

You see, that's
my little joke, Sam.

Pavlov is my dog, you see,

and, well, I couldn't
resist the witticism.

Let me explain, Sam.
You see, pavlov...

No, that's ok. I know all about
pavlov, pavlov's response...

Drooling at the
sound of a dinner bell.

I've done that before,

but I never knew
what to call it.

I had a puppy once.

My ex-wife took
her. Little bitch.

About this high.

Oh, frasier, we left
Carla's present in the car.

Oh, I'll get it.

I hope I can remember
where I parked the thing.

I'm so inebriated with
joy over this situation...

Or else the saki made me crocky.

Hey! Hey, nobody
told me he was funny.

Now you know why.

That's pretty exciting news.

Well, yes. We felt it was time.

Well, I wish you all
the luck in the world.

Because we'll need it?

No. Gosh, no.

I think you two are a
pair made in heaven.

I don't care what
the skeptics say.

I say the two
of you will last...

Let's see. What time is it now?

Sam, you're hurting
now, aren't you?

Admit it.

It's not in the least
surprising that you're bitter

because I never
took this step with you,

but what frasier
and I have together

is more substantial.

What you and I
had was exciting...

Tempestuous at times,

but... there was
no future in that.

Yeah. You got to be careful
about that excitement stuff.

I mean, too much of that,
and soon you're starting

to expect life to
be... Enjoyable.

And one day, you wake up, and...

All those years of
pleasure have gone by,

and what have you
got to show for it?

Happiness.

How true.

Here it is.

Where's our birthday girl?

She's in the back.
She'll be out in a minute.

Sam, would you call her?

Carla!

I have a great deal to do.

We want to start moving
my clothes in tonight.

Frasier, do you have
enough closet space?

Loads, Diane. Don't
worry about that.

Carla, frasier and Diane
here have a gift for you.

Be still, my heart.

Many happy returns, Carla.

Yeah, yeah.

Beautiful wrapping.

Oh, yes, coach.
Exquisite wrapping.

Now let's get to the joke.

Huh!

Ohh, Diane, these are beautiful.

Frasier picked them out.

Thank you, frasier.

Don't mention it. Sam,
how about a little vino

to break them in?

Yeah. I want to make a toast.

I want to toast
to the two people

who had enough class
to get me a real gift.

To Diane and frasier.

No matter how many times
I give fine dribble crystal,

I never tire of it.

So, uh... How's it going, Carla?

Fine, thank you,

but, say, don't think
I don't appreciate

busy guys like you
caring enough to ask.

I think she's still sore
about the gag gifts.

She's more than sore.

She's hurt, offended,
and resentful.

Yep. If she were wearing
dirty bunny slippers,

she could be Vera.

It's our fault,
really, you know?

If we had chipped in together,
we could've gotten something nice.

It's not too late.

We can still give
her a surprise.

Just buy her a real gift.

Well, I'm a
knowledgeable shopper.

I'll be happy to take charge
of operation "make good."

Wait just a second
here. Are we sure

we want cliff to handle this?

He's likely to go buy
something kind of tasteless.

But none of us will
know the difference.

All right, cliffie.
Yeah. You're our man.

Afternoon, everyone.

Golly, isn't it a beautiful day?

How are the new living
arrangements going?

Oh, like a charm.

[Humming]

I don't know why we didn't
do it right from the start.

Is that right?

Yeah. I couldn't be
happier. Absolutely.

[Humming]

Say, Diane, uh...

Yeah. I know, I know. I'm sorry.

You'll have to excuse that.

I have some... ah! Ha!

Some kind of an itch,

sort of in the back of
my throat, but not exactly.

Have you ever had one of those?

Oh! Boy, it's almost
as if it's inside my ear,

but not there either, you know?

Gee, that must be maddening.

Let me get you the ice pick.

Well, it was worse before.

I was sneezing all morning.
At least that stopped.

Gee, I wonder
what causes it. Huh?

That adorable
puppy at frasier's.

Little pavlov?

Well, she's very sweet,
but I'm a cat person.

I obviously have some
kind an allergy to dogs.

Are you sure it's the dog?

Well, what else could it be?

You've been around
that dog before.

I mean, you must have.

You know, moving in with frasier

is kind of a big commitment.

I just wonder if this whole
so-called allergy thing

might not be psychosomatic.

Oh, Sam, I'm very impressed.

That's a complex
psychological concept

coming from a man who
has to write "I" and "r"

on the bottom of his shoes.

So, does that mean you
agree with me, or not?

Don't be ridiculous.

Gee, you know, I
just had this thought.

Could it possibly be that you still
love somebody from your past?

You?

Well, not necessarily.

It could have been Sumner,
or anybody, for that matter,

but isn't it interesting

that I automatically
spring to mind?

No. You automatically
spring to mind

whenever I hear
something stupid.

Hello, my dearest darling.

Frasier. Ah-choo!

Uh... gesundheit.

Uh... diane, I've reconsidered.

I was quite unyielding
this morning.

And I now realize that
your happiness comes first.

So I must give up pavlov.

Are you sure?

Ah-choo! Oh.

Yes, I'm sure.

Of course, I can't
just put the little tyke

out on the streets.

I've got to find her the
best possible home.

That could be a lengthy,
time-consuming process.

I'll take her.

Frasier, I realize...

If the dog is the only thing
that's standing between you,

then if I take her away,

everything will be
fine for Diane, right?

And I love dogs, frasier.

I'll give her a
great home. I will.

Well, there we are, then.

Done, Sam. Done and
by golly done. She's yours.

Good. Well, then, that should
clear just about everything up.

Well, I should say so.

And we're mighty grateful,
too, Sam. Aren't we, Diane?

Oh, my, yes.

In fact, do you want to
hear something funny?

Just knowing that
the dog is going,

I'm already feeling better.

No more allergies.

Aw.

Ah-choo!

Gesundheit.

Hello, Sam.

Hey, frasier. What
can I get you?

I've got a pretty heavy
patient load this afternoon.

Why don't you make it a triple
stinger and a beer chaser?

Ha ha. No, no. Let
me have a club soda.

So, Sam, listen. Fill me in.

I'm hungry for
news of little pavlov.

Pavlov? Oh! You
must mean little Diane.

Beg your pardon?

Yeah. I renamed the puppy Diane.

I figured you wouldn't mind.

I mean, it's my puppy now.

Boy, I tell you,
it's so wonderful.

I come home, she
gives me a little trouble,

I SWAT her on the rear end
and say, "shut up, Diane."

And she does.

It's heaven. It is wonderful.

Sam, I have to be
honest with you.

Changing the dog's
name hurts me a little.

Don't you think two dianes
will be a little confusing?

Maybe you're right. I
hadn't thought of that.

We'll just have to call
your girlfriend pavlov.

By the way, how
is pavlov's allergies

now that I've got Diane?

Well, you know, these
things don't clear up overnight.

The latest symptom is a
recurring voice change.

A what?

You'll have to hear it.

I don't think words
can do it justice.

Psst, Sam!

Yeah?

Where's Carla?

Come on.

I did it. I did it.

I went out...

I got her a great
birthday present.

You mean it's Carla's
birthday already again?

I'm telling you, the older
you get, the time goes zzzzzt.

No, no, coach.
This is just a real gift

to make up for those
gag gifts we got...

A real gift which
better be good.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, uh... Carla?

Many happy returns.

No, thanks.

No more hilarious gifts, ok?

My sides are still
sore from last week.

Carla, it's a very nice gift.

Oh, yeah?

What does it do?

Explode...

Stink...

Or make disgusting sounds?

No, no, no. This is
the real gift, Carla...

Which better be good.

Huh!

Ohh!

Coach: Wow.

Oh, this is beautiful.

Oh, I love this. It's perfect!

Oh! This makes up
for everything, I think.

Well, um...

You know it's not easy
for me to say thanks, but...

Thanks, guys.

Hey, way to go, cliff.

Way to go.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, hey, you haven't
heard the best part, though.

The longer you
wear it, the body heat

makes the words "I
am horny as a hoot owl"

appear right on the back.

Get him out of here.

Oh! Oh, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa! W-W-Wait
a minute, guys. Ooh! Ow!

See you tomorrow, gang.

Good night, cliff.

Excuse me, Sam.

Something's been troubling me.

I think I gave you the
wrong impression a while ago

that Diane and I are unhappy.

No! No.

We're just going through
a period of adjustment.

In fact, today, I think she's
shown some improvement.

[Stuffy] Hello, everyone.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, Diane.

Ah-choo!

Aren't you going
to say gesundheit?

Diane, I'm afraid we've
moved past "gesundheit."

We're now on our way
to "stuff a sock in it."

Frasier!

I'm sorry. You
know I was joking.

How come you
still have allergies

if I've got Diane?

Diane?

That's what he calls pavlov.

Don't ask.

Well, Diane, are you
feeling any better?

There are obviously
still traces of pavlov

in the apartment
which I cannot remove.

And she's really tried.

So far, I've had it fumigated.

I've had all the
furniture reupholstered.

I've had the
wallpaper steamed off.

Looks darned good, incidentally.

We discovered natural
brick on most of one wall,

and I think the place
really needed redecorating.

How would you feel about
linoleum in the living room?

What?

A lot of people have done it.

I'm almost sure
I've seen pictures...

That's it. That's it! That's it!

I can't take it anymore.

Denial, evasion, repression!

I devoted myself professionally
to fighting all of these,

and now I'm wading
in them... Upstream!

Ok. Ok. Keep the carpet.

Diane, we're intelligent
enough to know

how often allergic
reactions are psychosomatic.

Gee, there's a thought.

Maybe on some
subconscious level,

you really don't want
to be living with me.

Frasier, it's the dog.
I keep telling you...

[Squeaky voice] It's the dog!

The voice.

Diane, the damn dog is gone.

She's halfway across the city!

I don't want to go on
putting you through all this.

[Squeaky] Frasier...

I've made a commitment here.

Obviously, you're not ready yet

for this kind of commitment.

Perhaps someday
you will be, perhaps not.

We'll just have to wait and see.

No! I'm going to make this work.

Diane, please don't
hold onto this for me.

I love you,

but I think your health
is more important.

Maybe you're right.

I'm sure I'm right.

Now, listen.

Go and gargle and
spray your throat.

Use your inhaler.

Take your antihistamine
and put nose drops in.

Use whatever else you can find
in that pharmacy you call a purse.

Well, Sam?

Aren't you going to gloat?

[Squeaky voice] I like to
think I'm above that, Diane.

Now, am I nuts, or
is that kind of sexy?

Aw, frasier, I'm...
That's a tough break.

Damn it, Sam. I really thought

we were going to make
it work in a big way.

I'll bet you do, and I bet
you do it pretty soon, too.

Will you excuse me?

Sam, the problem is
now I'm entirely alone.

Yeah. Yeah. That's tough.

I want my doggie back!

Frasier, I've grown
accustomed to the old girl.

But my emotional need for her
right now is stronger than yours.

Yeah, but she's mine.

Yeah, but I love her!

You can find another one.

Sam, I don't even want
to talk about this anymore.

There's nothing you can say that
would make me change my mind.

She's mine, and
she always will be!

You were never anything
but a port in a storm.

I want her, and I'm
going to have her!

Nobody is going to stand in my
way, or else they'll suffer my wrath!

Do I make myself
clear, Mr. Malone?

[Normal voice] Frasier!

This is so exciting.

You are the only man
who has ever proclaimed

his feelings for me
with such eloquence.

I got a flash for you here, Diane.
What we were talking about...

Sam, she knows perfectly well

what and who we
were talking about!

She's a clever girl,
and a beautiful one.

Frasier, do you know that

there's a kurosawa film
festival playing at Cambridge?

Well, Diane, I'm not
really in the mood to go...

Kurosawa, you say?

Kurosawa, and I'm
really in the mood.

Oh, I could see his films
again and again and again.

Sam, uh, could I have
the afternoon off, please?

Yes. Sam, you wouldn't
want to stand between

me and Diane and the
seven samurai, would you?

No, no. I hope all nine of
you have a wonderful time.

Hmm.

Sammy...

Frasier walks out
of here with Diane,

and you get to go home to a dog.

Yeah.

Somebody up there likes me.