Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 9 - An American Family - full transcript
Carla tries to stand up to Nick when he demands custody of their first-born son, which means not giving in to his surprisingly irresistible charm.
Can I have some suds
there, coach, please?
Coach: Yeah.
So, uh, normie, how's it going?
You got Vera pregnant yet?
Not yet.
What's going on there, norm?
It's been a few months. I'm
getting a little disappointed here.
Cliffie, I'm doing my
darnedest, all right?
Anything to get
Vera off my back.
Your back?
Norm, I think I see a little
problem with your technique.
Coach, could I have a pencil
and a rather large
piece of paper, please?
Norm: All right, look.
Anyone see where Roscoe
hit a homer last night?
Ooh, what a fluke,
huh? A relief pitcher.
Unbelievable, huh?
Sammy, what kind
of hitter were you?
Uh, I remember
hitting .211 one year.
In your dreams.
Coach, one scotch rocks, please.
Yeah, Sammy, I don't
think you hit above .150.
Wait, wait, wait.
I got 20 bucks
says he did, big guy.
Whoo-hoo, you're on, sucker.
Kiss that Andrew
Jackson good-bye.
It is beyond me
why the two of you
insist on making a contest
out of the most
meaningless issues.
Whoa. No, no, no. On
the contrary there, Diane.
We also address ourselves
to some of the most vital and
meaningful issues of our times.
For instance, if Southeast Asia
were to be obliterated
by a nuclear attack,
norm here would
have to push a peanut
up boylston street
with his nose.
Yeah, but only as far
as the corner, cliffie.
Come on, peace.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see
♪ our troubles are all the same
♪ you wanna be where
everbody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people
know people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Hi, is this, uh, pequod?
Well, this is Sam Malone here.
Yeah, I'd like to make
reservations for 2
in one of your cozier
rooms for the weekend.
All right. That's great. Yeah
I'll see you Friday night late.
Sam, I happened to hear
you mention the pequod.
Yeah. That's right.
That wouldn't be
that charming little inn
that you and I
went to last fall?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't think. This is
gonna bother you, isn't it?
Oh, of course not.
Whatever you do now
is your own concern.
Take a different woman
there every night of the week.
Actually, it's easier to
have them meet me there.
Oh, this is gonna bug you...
Me going there with
somebody else, isn't it?
Not at all.
Yeah, this is bugging
the hell out of you.
I'll tell you what,
I'll tell you what.
I'll go some place
else. I understand.
Don't be ridiculous.
It doesn't bug me, as
you so eloquently put it.
Oh, yeah? Tell me this.
Would you, uh... Would
you take frasier there?
As a matter of
fact, frasier and I
have been to several places
that you and I frequented.
It's so refreshing
to go to a museum
with someone who doesn't
slide across the marble floors
in their stockinged feet.
Hey, those paintings
look a lot better
if you go by fast.
Anyway, listen, I'll make
sure that they don't put me
in the same room at the pequod.
I could care less.
Room number 12.
Hey, you know that
was a great room... 12.
Do you remember when
that noreaster blew through
and we had to stay inside
by that big old fireplace?
Yeah. We listened to the
wind lashing against the panes,
the rain on the roof.
Yeah, huddled under
that big comforter.
I never felt safer.
Coach: Me, either.
You weren't there, coach.
Oh. I thought you meant now.
Sam, please go.
Have a good time.
Just don't do
anything I wouldn't do.
Gee, I'm afraid
I've lost that list.
Hey, I remember you.
You're that blonde waitress.
And you're Carla's incredibly
loathsome ex-husband.
How do you like that? We're
both stuck in each other's minds.
Sit down. You want anything?
Thank you. I'll have a coke.
Be sophisticated.
We're in a bar.
Coca-Cola.
No, no.
Order some kind of drink.
I'd like something in a coconut.
You are something in a coconut.
2 scotches.
Hey, Nick.
This is a surprise.
How you doing, Sam?
You dumped Carla by now, right?
Well, we're no
longer going together,
but Carla dumped me.
She dumped you?
Mm-hmm.
Sam, you boggle me.
Well, wait a second.
I did dump that
blonde waitress there.
Nick!
What the hell do you want?
Hey!
Is that the kind of
hello I deserve?!
No. Bend over,
and I'll give it to you.
I gotta talk to you.
I would have come by the house,
but I didn't want Loretta to
see my humble beginnings.
I need a simple favor.
Unless it's setting your
eyebrows on fire, forget it.
They used to drive you crazy.
Yeah, yeah.
I came 'cause I want a kid.
Shouldn't you be baking your
biscuits in blondie's oven now?
I'm talking about one of ours.
I'm talking about
the fruit of my loins.
Uh, would you guys
like to step into my office
so you can have
a little privacy?
No.
Please.
What's this about, huh?
As you know, I am now married
to a goddess compared
to you... Loretta.
But she's physically
unable to have any kids,
as this is breaking her heart
plus I don't want anyone
thinking I'm not doing my job,
I figured I'd just take
one of our old ones.
You want me to give
you and that twinkie
one of my children?!
Product of my seed!
Hey, hey! Please. Please!
Look, Nick, this is
outrageous, even for you.
What's the big
deal? You got five.
Carla, don't let this
recidivist strong arm you.
There is no bond greater
than that of mother and child.
He's talking of your babies...
The issue of your womb.
Oh, would anyone mind
if I went into my office?
Carla, see reason.
Oh, look, why don't you
take out an ad in the paper?
You never really know
what the kid's gonna look like,
but I can't believe
that you'd be fussy.
I want my own. I don't
want somebody else's.
Mind your own businesses.
Carla, didn't think you'd be so cold
hearted, but since you are, I've no choice
but to do what I'm
trying to avoid at all costs.
What, breathe though your nose?
No!
I'm taking you to court.
Hey, you can't do that.
Oh, no?
I happen to have
an attorney, Carla,
and he reassures me
that I've got a good case.
In fact, he thinks
I can get all 5 kids
and you as a maid.
I'm letting you off easy.
Sam: Hey, Tom,
you're a lawyer, right?
Can he do this?
Well, Sam, family law is not
my specialty here. However...
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Hold on there, Oliver
Wendell homely.
Exactly what is your specialty,
blowing the bar exam?
Hey, I'm gonna pass
it this time, wise guy.
Don't you worry about it.
Yeah, yeah. I'm not worried.
You've taken it in every
state in new england.
Look, Carla, you're
talking to a man here
who thinks affidavit
is a Jewish wine.
Now... if he knows anything,
he knows more than you.
Thank you, Carla.
Finish what you were
saying there, Tom.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, we can't wait.
Actually, Carla, uh,
there's a good chance
he could get custody here
if he can prove that
you're an unfit mother.
Thank you, counselor,
and who do you think
they're gonna pick?
Me, a sincere,
hard-working family man,
or you, a hard-up waitress
who leaves her
kids night after night
to come to a sleazy bar, huh?!
Hey, hey. Watch it.
Yeah. She's off Thursday nights.
I can also prove
that you consort
with men of
questionable character.
What are you talking about?
You got the morals
of a sewer rat.
Not to worry. If
you knew your law,
you would have read up on
a little thing in the bill of rights
called a double standard.
Yeah, watch the bureaucrats
take that away from us, too.
You're bluffing.
Court costs money, you know,
and unless the
TV repair business
has increased dramatically,
you make diddly.
You know, every time
you open your mouth,
you show your ignorance.
It so happens that the
tortelli television hospital
has just come off a
record-breaking quarter.
I'm gonna tell you
how good we're doing.
I got 10 men working under me,
and 2 of them is American.
Nick, even if I wanted
to give you those kids,
they wouldn't
want to go with you.
The young ones don't
know who you are.
The old ones hate your guts.
I don't believe
what I'm hearing.
Anthony loves me.
No, he doesn't. He's the oldest.
He's the one who best
remembers you walking out on him.
Thinks you're a creep.
He thinks I'm cool.
He calls you a scuzzball!
He didn't learn language
like that from me.
He didn't learn
anything from you!
[Bell clangs] Hey, hey. Come on.
We're getting complaints
from the nuclear
testing range next door.
Nick, we're gonna be late
for that menudo concert.
Oh, yeah, menudo.
I won the tickets on the radio.
What is it, anyway?
Go to your concert.
You ain't getting
no kid of mine.
I know how to cut this short.
Carla, I want to
talk to you alone.
Oh, no, no. Forget about it.
I got nothing I want to
talk to you about alone.
Just a little chat, Carla...
Between you and I...
Private matters.
Well...
Ok.
Sam, can we use your office?
Why? What secrets can
you possibly have left?
No, no, no! Don't answer that.
Just use my office.
Gee, Sam. Carla looked
awfully nervous going in there.
Loretta: Who wouldn't be?
Whenever Nick
gets a woman alone,
he can wrap them
around his little finger.
Well, Carla's a
pretty tough little nut.
I think it'll take more
persuasion than Nick can muster
to break the primordial bond
between a mother and
her firstborn offspring.
Honey, the kid is
ours! Loretta: Daddy!
We're a family now.
Let's go stuff our
faces until we get sick.
Loretta: Sounds good.
What are you all looking at?
Never seen a jellyfish before?
Normie, normie, normie,
I hate to be the
one to tell you this,
but Sam's batting average
never went past .149.
There it is right
in the stat book.
.149... for... That's
right, you know,
and I don't want to be the
kind of guy who rubs it in,
so just let me say
♪ ha-ha ha-ha-ha
huh? Yeah? Well, I have a
little bad news for you, cliffie.
It so happens that I made
a side bet with the coach
that if you won,
you'd be obnoxious,
so I come out even.
Hey, troops. I'm back.
What? What's so funny?
Normie just lost a
bundle to cliffie on a bet.
Yeah, but the coach
just lost a bundle to me.
But the funniest thing is, Sam,
is that the whole thing
was based on the fact
that you couldn't hit a
baseball to save your life.
You know what's even
funnier than that, Sam?
What?
Cliffie spends 30
bucks on a book
to win a $20 bet.
Yeah? Yeah? Well,
you lent me the money,
and you know I'm never
gonna pay you back.
Oh! You get out...
You know, the way
you positively revel
in each other's defeats
is totally reprehensible.
Are you ever as pleased
with each other's good fortune?
Who's had any?
Boy, I tell you it's
good to be home.
How was the pequod, Sam?
Pequod? Oh, yes.
Was it everything you
remembered it to be?
Come on, Diane.
Why torment yourself?
So you really went, huh?
Yeah. Of course I did.
Did you enjoy the fruit basket
that frasier and I
sent to your room?
The fruit basket?
Yes, the fruit basket.
The fruit basket.
The fruit basket.
Yeah. Ok. Ok, yeah.
We loved the fruit basket.
We didn't send a fruit basket.
Damn! I knew it!
Sam, your heart wouldn't let you
go to that place
with another woman.
I find that very sweet.
She won that one, didn't she?
Not necessarily...
well... I don't know...
Hey, everybody.
Coach: Oh, hi, Carla.
Isn't it a great day?
You know, as I
got up this morning
and I was feeding my
4... Count 'em... 4 kids,
I said to myself,
Carla, you are so lucky.
I mean, think of all those
poor, miserable human beings
who have 5 or more kids
instead of just 4 like me.
Carla, you don't even
miss this kid at all?
Are you kidding me? I can't
even remember his name.
Anthony. My baby!
The one time I
remember something.
Diane: Carla...
Upsy-Daisy.
If you felt this way,
why on earth did you
give that child away?
Because I could never
say no to that man.
You know, I never even wanted
to go out with him in the first place.
He won me over.
I didn't want to
go to bed with him.
He won me over.
I didn't want to marry him.
I didn't want to have 5 kids.
Our whole history
is me saying no
and him winning me over.
You know, like the
other day in there.
He held my hand,
and he got real close to me,
and then he batted
those eyelashes at me,
and he said, "Carla, you
know why I want that kid?"
"Because he is a part of you.
He's the only
part of you I have."
Nick said that?
Look, let's not even discuss it.
It's over. The kid is his.
He's coming by today to
have me sign the papers.
Damn it, Carla.
If you don't want
to sign, don't sign.
I mean, stand up to the guy.
Well, of course
I'm gonna resist.
But all I have to do is be
alone with him for a second,
and I melt.
Then there's one
simple solution.
We shan't let you
alone with him.
Right, everyone?
All: We shan't.
Nick: Let's get this
signed and over with.
Sam: Carla, don't you have
something you want to tell Nick?
Uh...
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yes, there is.
I am not signing that paper.
You can't have Anthony.
I don't care what you say.
I don't care what
the courts say.
I want my kid back!
Yes!
Nick, I thought you said Carla
didn't give a hoot for the kids.
There's a new development.
I can't do this.
What can't you do?
What do you have to do?
I just realized that Carla
and I are both women...
And I can't do this to her.
I can't be a party
to child-stealing.
What? Are you crazy? The
kid's as much mine as hers.
I'm sorry. I refuse.
I've got to put my foot
down about something.
And when I make up my mind,
that's my final decision.
While you're thinking about it,
why don't you and I
go into Sam's office
and have a private talk?
I don't think that's going
to work this time, Nick.
Please?
Well... ok,
but it's a waste of time.
We'll be right back.
Loretta: Nicky, you can
keep talking and talking
until you're blue in the face,
but it's not gonna
change my mind.
You're not gonna sway me...
Carla, sign the paper.
What is this?
Boy, even a shot of vitamin
Sammy doesn't work that fast.
Carla, sign the paper.
No, I won't.
Sign it! No!
Hang tough, Carla.
Carla, how about you and I,
we go into Sam's office and...
Have a private talk?
Don't do it, Carla!
Carla, stay out here with us.
No, I have to go
in there with him.
I could break his spell.
( [Office door
opens and closes] )
Ok!
Carla's in there facing the
greatest crisis of her life.
I want everybody to
be quiet for a moment,
close your eyes,
and send her your most
positive mental energy.
Coach: That ought to do it.
I guess it can't hurt.
Ok, now, come on, everyone.
This is important.
1...
2... 3.
Sam: Norman!
Nick: Come on,
Carla. Don't be so cold.
I'm a lonely guy.
You're not lonely.
You're disgusting.
Fine. Just hear me out on this.
Anthony is the
product of our love.
None of that, either.
I've had enough
of your sweet talk
to last me my whole life.
I just don't want to
hear that stuff, Nick.
All right.
Fine.
No more sweet talk.
No more touching.
Right.
How about I just...
Stop it, Nick. Don't
give me the look.
No, not the look.
Call me
irresponsible...
Oh, and the song!
() Oh, the look and the song!
Unreliable
call me
I'll get the pen.
Wait a minute. Do that again.
Can't get enough of it, huh?
Nothing.
Nothing?!
Zero.
You should have
stopped at your dumb look.
What are you talking about?!
I'm talking about this!
Wow. I'm impressed.
I didn't think
you had it in you.
This is the first time
you stood up to me.
You resisted my charms.
You win.
Hey, hey. Wait a minute
there. Wait a minute.
I know better than that.
Your heart wasn't in it.
You know how much
that kid meant to me.
What are you talking
about? I did my best.
Maybe I don't have it anymore.
You have more of it
now than you ever did.
You just went easy on me.
I busted a gut!
Nick, you went easy
on me, didn't you?
Maybe I did...
Maybe I didn't.
Well...
If you did...
Thanks.
And if you didn't...
Take care.
Hey, everybody,
I got my kid back!
[Cheering]
()))a)a' ht!
Come on, loret.
Congratulations, Carla.
What's your secret?
She knows when to shut up.
When?
Now! Oh.
I hope today has been
a good lesson for you.
I hope it has somehow
diffused the notion
that you have some magic power
you can wield over women
to make them bend to your will.
Mr. Tortelli, I find
you beneath contempt.
You know, before
you're so hard on me,
I'd like to tell you
something about myself.
What?
Uh... it's confidential.
What? I can't hear
what you're saying.
All I can feel is your warm,
that is to say your hot...
Breath on my... Oh!
there, coach, please?
Coach: Yeah.
So, uh, normie, how's it going?
You got Vera pregnant yet?
Not yet.
What's going on there, norm?
It's been a few months. I'm
getting a little disappointed here.
Cliffie, I'm doing my
darnedest, all right?
Anything to get
Vera off my back.
Your back?
Norm, I think I see a little
problem with your technique.
Coach, could I have a pencil
and a rather large
piece of paper, please?
Norm: All right, look.
Anyone see where Roscoe
hit a homer last night?
Ooh, what a fluke,
huh? A relief pitcher.
Unbelievable, huh?
Sammy, what kind
of hitter were you?
Uh, I remember
hitting .211 one year.
In your dreams.
Coach, one scotch rocks, please.
Yeah, Sammy, I don't
think you hit above .150.
Wait, wait, wait.
I got 20 bucks
says he did, big guy.
Whoo-hoo, you're on, sucker.
Kiss that Andrew
Jackson good-bye.
It is beyond me
why the two of you
insist on making a contest
out of the most
meaningless issues.
Whoa. No, no, no. On
the contrary there, Diane.
We also address ourselves
to some of the most vital and
meaningful issues of our times.
For instance, if Southeast Asia
were to be obliterated
by a nuclear attack,
norm here would
have to push a peanut
up boylston street
with his nose.
Yeah, but only as far
as the corner, cliffie.
Come on, peace.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see
♪ our troubles are all the same
♪ you wanna be where
everbody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people
know people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Hi, is this, uh, pequod?
Well, this is Sam Malone here.
Yeah, I'd like to make
reservations for 2
in one of your cozier
rooms for the weekend.
All right. That's great. Yeah
I'll see you Friday night late.
Sam, I happened to hear
you mention the pequod.
Yeah. That's right.
That wouldn't be
that charming little inn
that you and I
went to last fall?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't think. This is
gonna bother you, isn't it?
Oh, of course not.
Whatever you do now
is your own concern.
Take a different woman
there every night of the week.
Actually, it's easier to
have them meet me there.
Oh, this is gonna bug you...
Me going there with
somebody else, isn't it?
Not at all.
Yeah, this is bugging
the hell out of you.
I'll tell you what,
I'll tell you what.
I'll go some place
else. I understand.
Don't be ridiculous.
It doesn't bug me, as
you so eloquently put it.
Oh, yeah? Tell me this.
Would you, uh... Would
you take frasier there?
As a matter of
fact, frasier and I
have been to several places
that you and I frequented.
It's so refreshing
to go to a museum
with someone who doesn't
slide across the marble floors
in their stockinged feet.
Hey, those paintings
look a lot better
if you go by fast.
Anyway, listen, I'll make
sure that they don't put me
in the same room at the pequod.
I could care less.
Room number 12.
Hey, you know that
was a great room... 12.
Do you remember when
that noreaster blew through
and we had to stay inside
by that big old fireplace?
Yeah. We listened to the
wind lashing against the panes,
the rain on the roof.
Yeah, huddled under
that big comforter.
I never felt safer.
Coach: Me, either.
You weren't there, coach.
Oh. I thought you meant now.
Sam, please go.
Have a good time.
Just don't do
anything I wouldn't do.
Gee, I'm afraid
I've lost that list.
Hey, I remember you.
You're that blonde waitress.
And you're Carla's incredibly
loathsome ex-husband.
How do you like that? We're
both stuck in each other's minds.
Sit down. You want anything?
Thank you. I'll have a coke.
Be sophisticated.
We're in a bar.
Coca-Cola.
No, no.
Order some kind of drink.
I'd like something in a coconut.
You are something in a coconut.
2 scotches.
Hey, Nick.
This is a surprise.
How you doing, Sam?
You dumped Carla by now, right?
Well, we're no
longer going together,
but Carla dumped me.
She dumped you?
Mm-hmm.
Sam, you boggle me.
Well, wait a second.
I did dump that
blonde waitress there.
Nick!
What the hell do you want?
Hey!
Is that the kind of
hello I deserve?!
No. Bend over,
and I'll give it to you.
I gotta talk to you.
I would have come by the house,
but I didn't want Loretta to
see my humble beginnings.
I need a simple favor.
Unless it's setting your
eyebrows on fire, forget it.
They used to drive you crazy.
Yeah, yeah.
I came 'cause I want a kid.
Shouldn't you be baking your
biscuits in blondie's oven now?
I'm talking about one of ours.
I'm talking about
the fruit of my loins.
Uh, would you guys
like to step into my office
so you can have
a little privacy?
No.
Please.
What's this about, huh?
As you know, I am now married
to a goddess compared
to you... Loretta.
But she's physically
unable to have any kids,
as this is breaking her heart
plus I don't want anyone
thinking I'm not doing my job,
I figured I'd just take
one of our old ones.
You want me to give
you and that twinkie
one of my children?!
Product of my seed!
Hey, hey! Please. Please!
Look, Nick, this is
outrageous, even for you.
What's the big
deal? You got five.
Carla, don't let this
recidivist strong arm you.
There is no bond greater
than that of mother and child.
He's talking of your babies...
The issue of your womb.
Oh, would anyone mind
if I went into my office?
Carla, see reason.
Oh, look, why don't you
take out an ad in the paper?
You never really know
what the kid's gonna look like,
but I can't believe
that you'd be fussy.
I want my own. I don't
want somebody else's.
Mind your own businesses.
Carla, didn't think you'd be so cold
hearted, but since you are, I've no choice
but to do what I'm
trying to avoid at all costs.
What, breathe though your nose?
No!
I'm taking you to court.
Hey, you can't do that.
Oh, no?
I happen to have
an attorney, Carla,
and he reassures me
that I've got a good case.
In fact, he thinks
I can get all 5 kids
and you as a maid.
I'm letting you off easy.
Sam: Hey, Tom,
you're a lawyer, right?
Can he do this?
Well, Sam, family law is not
my specialty here. However...
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Hold on there, Oliver
Wendell homely.
Exactly what is your specialty,
blowing the bar exam?
Hey, I'm gonna pass
it this time, wise guy.
Don't you worry about it.
Yeah, yeah. I'm not worried.
You've taken it in every
state in new england.
Look, Carla, you're
talking to a man here
who thinks affidavit
is a Jewish wine.
Now... if he knows anything,
he knows more than you.
Thank you, Carla.
Finish what you were
saying there, Tom.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, we can't wait.
Actually, Carla, uh,
there's a good chance
he could get custody here
if he can prove that
you're an unfit mother.
Thank you, counselor,
and who do you think
they're gonna pick?
Me, a sincere,
hard-working family man,
or you, a hard-up waitress
who leaves her
kids night after night
to come to a sleazy bar, huh?!
Hey, hey. Watch it.
Yeah. She's off Thursday nights.
I can also prove
that you consort
with men of
questionable character.
What are you talking about?
You got the morals
of a sewer rat.
Not to worry. If
you knew your law,
you would have read up on
a little thing in the bill of rights
called a double standard.
Yeah, watch the bureaucrats
take that away from us, too.
You're bluffing.
Court costs money, you know,
and unless the
TV repair business
has increased dramatically,
you make diddly.
You know, every time
you open your mouth,
you show your ignorance.
It so happens that the
tortelli television hospital
has just come off a
record-breaking quarter.
I'm gonna tell you
how good we're doing.
I got 10 men working under me,
and 2 of them is American.
Nick, even if I wanted
to give you those kids,
they wouldn't
want to go with you.
The young ones don't
know who you are.
The old ones hate your guts.
I don't believe
what I'm hearing.
Anthony loves me.
No, he doesn't. He's the oldest.
He's the one who best
remembers you walking out on him.
Thinks you're a creep.
He thinks I'm cool.
He calls you a scuzzball!
He didn't learn language
like that from me.
He didn't learn
anything from you!
[Bell clangs] Hey, hey. Come on.
We're getting complaints
from the nuclear
testing range next door.
Nick, we're gonna be late
for that menudo concert.
Oh, yeah, menudo.
I won the tickets on the radio.
What is it, anyway?
Go to your concert.
You ain't getting
no kid of mine.
I know how to cut this short.
Carla, I want to
talk to you alone.
Oh, no, no. Forget about it.
I got nothing I want to
talk to you about alone.
Just a little chat, Carla...
Between you and I...
Private matters.
Well...
Ok.
Sam, can we use your office?
Why? What secrets can
you possibly have left?
No, no, no! Don't answer that.
Just use my office.
Gee, Sam. Carla looked
awfully nervous going in there.
Loretta: Who wouldn't be?
Whenever Nick
gets a woman alone,
he can wrap them
around his little finger.
Well, Carla's a
pretty tough little nut.
I think it'll take more
persuasion than Nick can muster
to break the primordial bond
between a mother and
her firstborn offspring.
Honey, the kid is
ours! Loretta: Daddy!
We're a family now.
Let's go stuff our
faces until we get sick.
Loretta: Sounds good.
What are you all looking at?
Never seen a jellyfish before?
Normie, normie, normie,
I hate to be the
one to tell you this,
but Sam's batting average
never went past .149.
There it is right
in the stat book.
.149... for... That's
right, you know,
and I don't want to be the
kind of guy who rubs it in,
so just let me say
♪ ha-ha ha-ha-ha
huh? Yeah? Well, I have a
little bad news for you, cliffie.
It so happens that I made
a side bet with the coach
that if you won,
you'd be obnoxious,
so I come out even.
Hey, troops. I'm back.
What? What's so funny?
Normie just lost a
bundle to cliffie on a bet.
Yeah, but the coach
just lost a bundle to me.
But the funniest thing is, Sam,
is that the whole thing
was based on the fact
that you couldn't hit a
baseball to save your life.
You know what's even
funnier than that, Sam?
What?
Cliffie spends 30
bucks on a book
to win a $20 bet.
Yeah? Yeah? Well,
you lent me the money,
and you know I'm never
gonna pay you back.
Oh! You get out...
You know, the way
you positively revel
in each other's defeats
is totally reprehensible.
Are you ever as pleased
with each other's good fortune?
Who's had any?
Boy, I tell you it's
good to be home.
How was the pequod, Sam?
Pequod? Oh, yes.
Was it everything you
remembered it to be?
Come on, Diane.
Why torment yourself?
So you really went, huh?
Yeah. Of course I did.
Did you enjoy the fruit basket
that frasier and I
sent to your room?
The fruit basket?
Yes, the fruit basket.
The fruit basket.
The fruit basket.
Yeah. Ok. Ok, yeah.
We loved the fruit basket.
We didn't send a fruit basket.
Damn! I knew it!
Sam, your heart wouldn't let you
go to that place
with another woman.
I find that very sweet.
She won that one, didn't she?
Not necessarily...
well... I don't know...
Hey, everybody.
Coach: Oh, hi, Carla.
Isn't it a great day?
You know, as I
got up this morning
and I was feeding my
4... Count 'em... 4 kids,
I said to myself,
Carla, you are so lucky.
I mean, think of all those
poor, miserable human beings
who have 5 or more kids
instead of just 4 like me.
Carla, you don't even
miss this kid at all?
Are you kidding me? I can't
even remember his name.
Anthony. My baby!
The one time I
remember something.
Diane: Carla...
Upsy-Daisy.
If you felt this way,
why on earth did you
give that child away?
Because I could never
say no to that man.
You know, I never even wanted
to go out with him in the first place.
He won me over.
I didn't want to
go to bed with him.
He won me over.
I didn't want to marry him.
I didn't want to have 5 kids.
Our whole history
is me saying no
and him winning me over.
You know, like the
other day in there.
He held my hand,
and he got real close to me,
and then he batted
those eyelashes at me,
and he said, "Carla, you
know why I want that kid?"
"Because he is a part of you.
He's the only
part of you I have."
Nick said that?
Look, let's not even discuss it.
It's over. The kid is his.
He's coming by today to
have me sign the papers.
Damn it, Carla.
If you don't want
to sign, don't sign.
I mean, stand up to the guy.
Well, of course
I'm gonna resist.
But all I have to do is be
alone with him for a second,
and I melt.
Then there's one
simple solution.
We shan't let you
alone with him.
Right, everyone?
All: We shan't.
Nick: Let's get this
signed and over with.
Sam: Carla, don't you have
something you want to tell Nick?
Uh...
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yes, there is.
I am not signing that paper.
You can't have Anthony.
I don't care what you say.
I don't care what
the courts say.
I want my kid back!
Yes!
Nick, I thought you said Carla
didn't give a hoot for the kids.
There's a new development.
I can't do this.
What can't you do?
What do you have to do?
I just realized that Carla
and I are both women...
And I can't do this to her.
I can't be a party
to child-stealing.
What? Are you crazy? The
kid's as much mine as hers.
I'm sorry. I refuse.
I've got to put my foot
down about something.
And when I make up my mind,
that's my final decision.
While you're thinking about it,
why don't you and I
go into Sam's office
and have a private talk?
I don't think that's going
to work this time, Nick.
Please?
Well... ok,
but it's a waste of time.
We'll be right back.
Loretta: Nicky, you can
keep talking and talking
until you're blue in the face,
but it's not gonna
change my mind.
You're not gonna sway me...
Carla, sign the paper.
What is this?
Boy, even a shot of vitamin
Sammy doesn't work that fast.
Carla, sign the paper.
No, I won't.
Sign it! No!
Hang tough, Carla.
Carla, how about you and I,
we go into Sam's office and...
Have a private talk?
Don't do it, Carla!
Carla, stay out here with us.
No, I have to go
in there with him.
I could break his spell.
( [Office door
opens and closes] )
Ok!
Carla's in there facing the
greatest crisis of her life.
I want everybody to
be quiet for a moment,
close your eyes,
and send her your most
positive mental energy.
Coach: That ought to do it.
I guess it can't hurt.
Ok, now, come on, everyone.
This is important.
1...
2... 3.
Sam: Norman!
Nick: Come on,
Carla. Don't be so cold.
I'm a lonely guy.
You're not lonely.
You're disgusting.
Fine. Just hear me out on this.
Anthony is the
product of our love.
None of that, either.
I've had enough
of your sweet talk
to last me my whole life.
I just don't want to
hear that stuff, Nick.
All right.
Fine.
No more sweet talk.
No more touching.
Right.
How about I just...
Stop it, Nick. Don't
give me the look.
No, not the look.
Call me
irresponsible...
Oh, and the song!
() Oh, the look and the song!
Unreliable
call me
I'll get the pen.
Wait a minute. Do that again.
Can't get enough of it, huh?
Nothing.
Nothing?!
Zero.
You should have
stopped at your dumb look.
What are you talking about?!
I'm talking about this!
Wow. I'm impressed.
I didn't think
you had it in you.
This is the first time
you stood up to me.
You resisted my charms.
You win.
Hey, hey. Wait a minute
there. Wait a minute.
I know better than that.
Your heart wasn't in it.
You know how much
that kid meant to me.
What are you talking
about? I did my best.
Maybe I don't have it anymore.
You have more of it
now than you ever did.
You just went easy on me.
I busted a gut!
Nick, you went easy
on me, didn't you?
Maybe I did...
Maybe I didn't.
Well...
If you did...
Thanks.
And if you didn't...
Take care.
Hey, everybody,
I got my kid back!
[Cheering]
()))a)a' ht!
Come on, loret.
Congratulations, Carla.
What's your secret?
She knows when to shut up.
When?
Now! Oh.
I hope today has been
a good lesson for you.
I hope it has somehow
diffused the notion
that you have some magic power
you can wield over women
to make them bend to your will.
Mr. Tortelli, I find
you beneath contempt.
You know, before
you're so hard on me,
I'd like to tell you
something about myself.
What?
Uh... it's confidential.
What? I can't hear
what you're saying.
All I can feel is your warm,
that is to say your hot...
Breath on my... Oh!