Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 11 - Peterson Crusoe - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

A bloody Mary for
you, vodka Collins,

and an old fashioned,
light on the bitters.

Ooh, Diane, look. I think...

I think you got it
perfect this time...

Every drink wrong.

My god! What is this?

Boy, does your
waitressing stink.

My waitressing does not stink.

It does, too.

Diane: Doesn't.



Carla: Does.

If I really put my mind to it,

I could waitress
circles around you.

You stink!

I smell a wager, Carla.

No. You smell your waitressing.

I challenge you to a
waitressing contest.

Whoever gets the most tips
between now and closing time wins.

You're on, sucker.

I'll even give you a
10 buck head start.

That's an insult.

And thank you.

We will need a judge

to make sure this contest is
conducted on the up and up.



Sam's bar. We'll
let him be the judge.

Oh, ladies, I'm honored,

but don't you think it
would be better to find

someone to judge this
who gives a rat's behind?

Well, I do. Make me the judge.

Oh! We couldn't have
a more impartial judge.

Thank you, Diane.
Now, if either one of you

suspects any wrongdoing,
you come to me,

and I'll make an immediate
and final decision.

Do we have any appeal?

Well, I think you're
both cute as a button,

but that's not going
to affect my decision.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Oop, oop. Get ready
for the good times.

The big guy doth approach.

Afternoon, everybody.

Normie? Norm?

Diane: Norman?

Why don't you sit down, norm?

What... what's the problem?

You know that job I
landed over in braintree?

Mm-hmm.

I had to take a company
physical this afternoon,

and apparently there was
something on the chest X-ray.

Something bad, normie?

No, a happy face.

Sorry, coach.

Yeah, something bad.
A spot of some sort.

They sent it over to a
specialist to take a look.

Well, now, norm,

these things happen sometimes,

and they turn out to be nothing.

They just come to nothing.

Yeah. We all come
to nothing, Sam.

I'm just gonna get
there a little sooner.

Norman, you're
jumping to conclusions.

Now, stop being so morbid.

Ever since I heard this news,

all I can think of is how I may
be coming to the end of my life

with nothing to show for it.

Well, you've got all
of us, your friends,

and we're going to be
with you all through this.

You mean we're going to have to
have the surgery and everything, Diane?

I'm not saying I won't do it.

I'll explain it later, coach.

Everybody says,
"I'll explain it later."

[Telephone rings]

Cheers.

Oh, hi.

Yeah. Uh...

Norm, it's Vera.

She says she needs
to talk to you right away.

She's heard from the doctor.

Hi, honey.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

So what'd he say?

Oh!

Ohhh!

Ohhhh!

Oh! No, no. That's
the greatest news.

I can't believe it.

Yes, you're right, we do
have something to celebrate.

So what are you gonna do?

Yeah, sounds good.
That sounds good.

No, no. I don't
know what I'll do.

I can't think
about it right now.

I have a lot of other
things on my mind. Yeah.

I'll talk to you
later, honey. Bye.

A flaw on the X-ray.

Oh! Oh!

Let me buy you a drink, normie.

No. No, no, no.
Not right now, cliff.

Right now, I think I'm
gonna take a little walk

with a gentleman I
haven't been paying

a whole lot of attention
to lately... norm Peterson.

I think I understand.

Well, I don't, but I'm
sure you'll tell me later.

Well, Carla, counting
the 10 buck head start

that you gave Diane,
you're still ahead $9.00,

and you've got only
one minute to go.

Yeah! But you know, Diane
gave me a good contest.

I mean, she hustled what
passes for her buns off tonight.

Good. Then you're not
going to rub her nose in it?

To the bone. Heh heh ha ha ha!

Thank you very much,

and a happy 50th wedding
anniversary to you both.

50th anniversary?

Yeah. They ordered a
bottle of dom perignon.

Oh! I thought they were just
a couple of cheap old coots.

Coach, a $20 tip.

Huh!

That's it! Diane wins it.

Really?

Ah! Ha ha ha!

Oh, this is so exciting!

Yeah. Who's gonna sleep tonight?

Ohh... don't hurt me.

I didn't mean to gloat, Carla.

I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me.

I just wanted to
shake your hand,

but if you don't want
to shake my hand,

I'll just say congratulations.

Sometimes there is
no pleasure in conquest.

Yeah. I haven't forgotten
our first night together, either.

Did you find norm?

Yeah. Boy, is he weirding out.

Sam: What do you mean?

By the time I caught up to him, he
was sitting in the middle of a garden.

He said he wanted
to smell the roses.

Diane: I don't
think that's weird.

Yeah? It was a vegetable garden.

That's weird.

Yeah. I mentioned it
to him. He said, "so?

I want to smell the
squash. Leave me alone."

Then he got up, and he wandered

down towards the pier.

I shudder to think what he
wants to smell down there.

This is that bar I
was telling you about.

These people sit in
here night after night,

wasting their lives away,
but, no, don't hate them;

pity them, as I do.

You see, they're chained here,

unable to soar free
like you and me.

Soar, little guy, soar!

Soar!

You want to sit down and
have a beer or something?

No. No time for that.

I just stopped in
to say good-bye.

You see, I'm
sailing for bora bora.

Bora bora?

Yeah. Ever since
I was a little boy,

the south pacific
has been calling...

"come to me, norm.
This is where you belong."

And I've always
ignored that call till now.

So I'm gonna go to the
beach and build a hut,

send for Vera, and live
there the rest of our lives.

Isn't that nice?

Mmm.

I booked passed on
one of those cargo ships

where you just
work light duties.

We shove off at midnight.

Norman, wait a minute.
What about a passport?

What about shots?

Well, I already have my passport

and, believe it or not,

you don't need any
shots for bora bora.

There's no disease there.

Lunacy is on its way.

Norm? Yeah?

What about that
great new job you got?

Right, right.

I should really call
that guy, shouldn't I?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Sammy, you see
what he's doing, right?

The old joke meister,
just tugging at our ankles.

Hold onto your socks,
gents. Here he goes.

Hi, Mr. Feldman, sir.
Hi. Norm Peterson here.

Oh, awfully sorry
to wake you, sir.

You see, I just wanted
to call in to let you know

I'm not coming to work tomorrow.

I'm sailing to bora
bora, gonna live in a hut.

As a matter of
fact, I am in a bar.

Oh, no, no. My
head's quite clear, sir.

I'm quitting.

Yes, I realize I'm burning
my Bridges here, sir,

but there's no hard
feelings on this end.

As a matter of fact, if
you're ever in bora bora,

stop on by the old Peterson hut,

and we'll share
a cup of grog, sir.

Maybe I'll take you ou...

Right. I realize it's
late, sir. Very sorry.

[Click]

[Norm sighs]

I pity that man.

Sammy, I want you to give these

to some poor soul who
may need them, huh?

Well, everybody.
This is good-bye.

I... I don't know what I
can really say to you folks.

You've been like family to me.

I'm gonna miss you
all, that's for sure.

Oh, come on, man. This is nuts!

I mean, people just
don't drop everything

and sail away to bora bora.

I do.

Good-bye, normie.

Good-bye, coach.

Coach, you're going
to feel pretty silly when

he pulls the plug on
this gag; Wait and see.

You understand,
don't you, coach?

No, normie, but
they'll tell me later.

Hey, you better get used to
what you're doing there, norm.

They got all-male
crews on those ships.

Ok, norm. Joke's over.

Knock it off. It's ended.

Norm.

Ha ha ha! You kidder.

Boy, you had us
going there for a while.

Wing tips are for
accountants, cliffie.

I'm a beachcomber now.

Normie's gone!

Here you are, miss.

The service was excellent.

Oh, that was nothing.

You should've seen
me in the old days.

I was something then.

I'm telling you,

people would come
from miles away

to see me schlep drinks.

That was before...

The troubles.

She should be over this by now.

It's been weeks!

I've robbed her
of her zest for life.

You do have that
effect on people.

Sam.

Sam, we got another
letter from normie.

Yeah...

Oh, good! Good,
good, good, good.

Norm letter here, everybody.

Ok.

Let me see here.

He says he's found the
beach he was looking for,

and he's built a hut.

Listen to this.
"I'll send for Vera"

"when I've built hers."

"Ha ha."

"Whoops! I've lost
my hammer. Ha ha."

He put the ha has in.

Good thing.

"Every morning, a native girl

"leaves a coconut
outside my door.

"I'm a little shaky

"on the local tribal customs,

"so either we're married

or I'm going to be sacrificed
next Tuesday. Ha ha."

Boy, he sure knows
where to put those ha has.

"Parahe, or good-bye,

norm."

Hmm.

You know, it took a
great deal of courage

for Norman to do what he did.

I admire and envy him.

He has heeded Thoreau,

who admonished us that, quote,

"life is frittered
away by detail.

Simplify, simplify."

Why didn't he just
say one "simplify"?

Let me see the old
postmark, there, Sammy.

Yup, yup. She's
valid, all right.

Well, it looks like our normie
made it to paradise, huh?

Yeah.

Two scotch rocks,
coach. No hurry.

I'll wait till the good
waitress gets her order.

Carla, you are
the better waitress.

It's been proven
time and time again.

What does it matter who
won that meaningless contest?

It matters.

Well, what would it take
to make you feel better?

Hearing you admit
that you cheated.

Carla, I didn't cheat.

Would it kill you
to say you did?

I did not cheat!

Two little words

to restore my will to live.

It doesn't seem like
that much to ask.

Ok, Carla. I cheated.

You cheated?

Why? That contest
meant that much to you?

You are a very sick woman!

Does anybody in this bar realize

how sick this woman is?

She cheated on
that silly little contest!

I did not cheat!

First she says she cheated,

and then she says
she didn't cheat.

Now, what are we
supposed to believe?

The things people
do for their egos!

Yeah.

Cheating on a silly contest.

Well, I suppose I could
go around the room

explaining to everyone
exactly what happened,

but I know that I did not
cheat, and that's enough.

I'll just let it drop.

I'll be in my office if
you need me, coach.

Coach: Yeah.

I did not cheat!

We had this contest
a couple of weeks ago.

Evening, Sammy.

Hey, norm.

Norm?

Why aren't you in bora bora?

Ha ha! Funniest thing.

I chickened out, just like
everybody said I would.

Never even got on
the damn boat. Ha ha!

These are getting stale, though.

Do you have any
beer nuts in here?

You...

You've been hiding in here?

Just for a week.

Why?

You kidding? I made such a
flaming jackass out of myself,

I'd be a laughingstock
if I went out there.

So you plan to
stay in here forever.

Yeah. Is that a problem?

Because, uh, the
way I figure it, Sam,

I can... you let me in in the
morning, when you come to work,

and then at night, when everyone's
gone home, just let me out.

Just like I always did.

"Just like I always did."

You... ha ha! No, no, no.

You get a bar stool,
right? You set it up

right nice and
close, just like this,

and every now and then,
you slip me a mug of brew.

Come on! It'll be
just like it used to be.

Come on. I know
how you feel, man.

You had this wild, crazy dream,

and you announced
it to everybody,

and you didn't live
up to it, but come on.

These people out there love you.

They're your friends.

They don't care. Come on. Ha ha!

All right.

All right, all right.

I guess it probably
meant more to me

than it does to
them, anyway, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, maybe you ought to...

Oh.

Yeah.

A toast to the man

who south pacific natives

are probably calling
"the great tan beast,"

an inspiration to us all...

Norm Peterson.

[Everyone toasts]

The uh... The sofa
opens out to a bed there.

Good. And laundry day is...

Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday.

I have never cheated
on anything in my life.

The integrity of Diane
chambers remains unblemished.

Ha ha!

Excuse me. Could we
chat for just a second?

Trust me, trust me.

These people are your
friends, man. Just listen.

To Paul Gauguin,
Robert Louis Stevenson,

and norm Peterson...

Three men cut
from the same cloth.

Although they had to use a
few more yards for our pal norm.

Yay, norm. Norm!

Yeah. Norm is
quite a guy, isn't he?

You know, I don't...

I don't think he had
to sail the south pacific

to make us admire
and respect him.

He did for me.

It was the only worthwhile
thing he ever did

in an otherwise wasted life.

Come on, come on. I'm serious.

I mean, if norm hadn't
gone to bora bora,

I don't think we would
have thought any less of him.

Do you?

You kidding? Of
course we would, Sam.

Definitely.

Sam, what are you talking about?

It's hypothetical, but just
suppose that norm had spent

the last three weeks
in a motel some place

and that he'd sent those letters

before the ship sailed
and gave them to some fella

to mail when he
got to the islands.

We wouldn't think any the
less of him, now, would we?

That yellow-belly is
in your office, isn't he?

No. Don't be silly.

If he's not, he's not going
to mind me doing this!

No!

Swell bunch of
friends I have here!

That's the last you're going
to see of norm Peterson!

Normie! You yellow-belly!

You got guys showing your
face around here! Come out here!

Hey, come on, lay off, will you?

The guy feels terrible.

Yeah?

Yeah, welcome back, buddy!

He's afraid that you're
going to laugh at him

because he chickened out.

Norman?

Everyone has had a
dream that they let slip away.

Norm: Yeah, but not
one everyone knew about.

Would you like to
know about mine?

Not particularly, no.

When I was a child,

I wanted to be a
ballerina. I had...

Oh...

I had years of private lessons,

but when the time
finally came to audition

for the Juilliard school,

with my first step, I fell
down and bloodied my nose.

And before I could
do anything else,

they politely said,
"thank you very much,"

and I never heard
from them again.

Thank you very much.

Ok. Diane, very good, dear.

Thank you, thank you.

Norm?

Normie, do you want to
hear a crazy, hopeless dream?

I wanted to play baseball
and maybe coach a little,

you know, and then afterwards,
tend bar in a nice place,

and look what happened to me!

Coach.

That's exactly what
happened to you.

Oh, yeah.

No wonder I'm such a happy guy.

Good try, coach. Good try.

Norm, has any of
this helped you?

Oh, yeah. I'm doing
a jig in here, Sam.

Go away!

All right. Clear the decks.

It's up to me.

Normie? It's your best buddy.

Go away, frank.

Even in pain, he
can make us smile.

Norm, you know it's cliffie.

And I, too, once
had a dream, norm.

No... no, more
than a dream, really.

It was an all-consuming passion.

I wanted to be a trapeze artist.

A trapeze artist?

Like in a circus?

No, like in your finer
restaurants, Sam.

When I was a lad, I went
to see the movie trapeze

with Burt Lancaster
and Tony Curtis.

No kidding! Did you
sit between them?

Sam: Coach.

I must've seen it 20 times.

I always imagined
myself up there with them,

high above the center ring.

The spotlight shines upon me.

Sweat glistens from my body.

Below me, the women's
eyes glaze over with lust.

The men, they grind
their teeth with envy.

I lunge at the bar

with almost an insane daring,

flying through the air,
completing one, two, three...

Oh, my god, four somersaults!

The first quadruple

in the history of
the big top, norm.

But I became a postal carrier,

and the rest is history.

No, norm...

Having a dream isn't stupid.

It's not having
them that's stupid.

What's stupid is
the picture of you

in one of those outfits!

Ha ha ha!

[All laughing]

I'd like to take
issue with this.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop laughing at
my pal here, all right?

This man had the only dream

that was more
ridiculous than mine.

Oh, yeah?

A lot more, I might add.

Is that right, Marco rolo?

Ha ha ha!

I've got to buy a drink here

for the great cliffini.

Oh! Next round is on me
for ferdinand majelly-belly.

Listen to the flying rear-enda.

Ohh! Is that right,
Christopher columbutt?