Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 1 - Rebound: Part 1 - full transcript

"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, everybody. I'm back
from my Florida vacation.

Yeah, good to be home
again, back with the old gang.

Hey, how you been, pal?

Glad too, buddy.

Ah, look at that.

There's the old bar,
huh? Hasn't changed a bit.

Hey, you're back.
Good to see you.

It's good to be
back. Oh, it's you.

You know, from behind,
you look like a friend of mine.

Aw! Hey. You kidder.



I'll get you for that.

Eh, so, hi, coach. Hi, cliffie.

Boy, did I have a spectacular
time down there in Florida,

basking up the old
Florida sunshine.

Hoo! I tell you,

it really got my head
screwed on straight, too.

You know, coach, that
experience changed me.

I'm now at one with the cosmos.

[Blender roars]

No more getting caught up...

Um...

One with the cosmos, coach.

No more getting caught
up in the petty irritations

of day-to-day life.



I'm just the kind of guy...

Yeah,

I stood on many a
windswept beach,

felt the oneness...

Felt...

I...

Anybody want a mai-tai?

Ha ha ha!

Ha! Mai-tai,
cliff. Cliffie, look.

You get it? My tie?

My tie, cliffie.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking the breaks
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

Beer, normie?

You know how to
make it sound tempting,

you fast talker.

Guess who, buddy.

Cliffie. Missed you
the last couple of days.

I, uh... I've been
gone two weeks, norm.

I know.

God, I missed this guy.

So, uh, norm, how's Vera?

Any luck getting her
in the family way yet?

Still working on it.

Hey, norm. You want a kid?

Not really.

I'm just kind of going along
with it to shut Vera up, you know?

She says she
wants to start a family

so she'll have something to do.

Poor norm here's
been shooting blanks

the last couple of months.

Little louder, cliff. We'll
dance to it, huh? Come on.

Hey, don't worry, normie.

You'll be planting your
seed before you know it.

Hope so.

Doc says if something
doesn't happen soon,

we may have to
take a drastic step.

You mean...

Sleep together.

Our prayers are
with you, big guy.

Thank you, thank you.

So, coach, how's Sammy been
doing since I've been away?

Just about the
same, cliffie... terrible.

You should've seen
him the other night, cliffie.

He walks in here with
this lady librarian, right?

She's off duty, right?

They both have a snootful.

The librarian's got...

Sam: Hey, gang!

Never mind. My story's obsolete.

Coach.

Yeah?

This is my bar, isn't it?

Yeah, sure is, Sam.

See? I told you I owned a bar.

Ooh, I like it, Sam.

Well, it's not much,
but then again... I am.

Hey, Sammy, I think you got one
over the legal limit there, buddy.

Hey, cliffie's back.

How was your vacation?

Oh, my vacation. You
remembered, huh?

Atlantic city, right?

Yeah, it was
terrific. Thanks a lot.

What branch of the service
are these young ladies in?

I stole them off the front of
a parade last night, coach.

At this very moment,
there are 26 tuba players

marching right into the river.

Show them your
stuff there, girls.

Ha ha ha!

God, I love it.

Excuse me, Sam.

While you're waiting
for runway clearance...

Do you mind
taking a look at this?

Well, this is a piece
of paper, isn't it?

And those are words.

This is a letter or something.

It is Jo Ann's resignation.

Hey, girls, take a break
and give your dimples a rest.

What?

We lost another waitress
because she says

she found out she wasn't
the only girl in your life.

Oh, nonsense, Carla.

She's been listening
to vicious rumors.

Sammy, this means that I
have to work alone again.

We can't keep a waitress in here

because you keep
breaking their hearts.

Well, obviously, I
need a good talking-to.

Sammy, this is serious!

We have gone through
eight waitresses in six months.

Bet you I can remember
all their names.

Dee Dee, carleen, Angela,

sneezy, dopey,
donner, and blitzen.

Ok, girls.

Yo!

Step right this way, ladies.

Time for the halftime
show at the sammydome.

There you go. Step lively.

Poor Sam.

Yeah. My heart bleeds for him.

Yeah, sure, cliffie, he looks
like he's having a lot of fun,

but believe me, this
is just the first stage.

He's going to end up
drinking himself senseless.

Turning into a real
jerk, you know?

Spends his time
boozing, chasing skirts,

and loving and
leaving waitresses.

Wonder what set him off.

Suppose maybe it
might've been diaaa...

Diabetes!

You were going to say
that name, weren't you?

No, I wasn't.

Yes, you were. You know my rule.

I didn't say it.

I don't even want
you to think it.

Use that name, and I
will give you a sunroof.

All right, look, look,

what difference does
it make how it started?

The important thing is, can
we do anything to stop him?

If we can't stop him,
can we join him?

[Women giggling]

If we can't join him,

do you think he'd let me watch?

[Telephone rings]

Cheers.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, he's here. I'll
give him the message.

Normie, it's Vera. She
says to hurry home.

Her cycle is at its peak.

Again?

Her cycle has more
peaks than the adirondacks.

Hey, all systems
are go there, big fella.

Even secretariat got to wait till
he was in the mood once in a while.

♪ Birds do it, bees do it ♪

♪ even educated fleas do it ♪♪

poor coach.

After all you went
through with Sam,

seeing him right back
there where he was.

Really, Carla, it's eating
me up, I'm telling you.

I'm so desperate, I feel like
I'm gonna do something crazy.

As a matter of fact,

I am going to do
do something crazy.

Wait a minute, coach.
What are you going to do?

I know exactly what Sam needs.

Coach, your apron.

He's got an apron!

Diane: Just put them
down over there, boggs.

Thank you, miss. Now I
know why I became a chauffeur

instead of a longshoreman.

I would have been 72
on me next birthday.

I appreciate your
bringing me home, boggs.

Well, your mother
and I felt very strongly

that the first face
one should encounter

on leaving a place like that

should be a friendly one.

Speaking of mother,

why didn't she
ever visit me there?

Well, she wanted to
visit you, miss Diane,

but you know how uncomfortable
she is around psychiatrists.

She could have
written me a letter.

And let them see
her handwriting?

Boggs, that's insane.

Well, as your mother would say,

let's see them
prove it in court.

Which reminds me, I should
be getting back to her right now.

Well, thanks again for
driving me home, boggs.

It's my pleasure.

I must say, it's so nice
to see you happy again.

Boggs, I think I'm as
happy as I've ever been.

I have a new life.

All these wonderful things
have happened to me.

I'm better now.

[Knock on door]

Aah! Miss?

I'm fine, boggs. I was
just a little startled.

That's a perfectly
normal reaction.

Perfectly.

[Knock] Aah!

Who is it?

It's Ernie pantuso.

Coach?

What do you want?

Diane, I have to talk
to you. It's important.

Coach, you're a dear man,

and I love you,

and I've missed you,

but you're part of
a period of my life

that I want to see
fade into memory.

Do you understand, coach?

Coach?

Western union.

This is a man I
could never resist.

How have you been?

I'm fine, honey.
How have you been?

I'm ok.

I'm sorry I had to
fool you that way.

Hi.

Perhaps I should be
taking this opportunity

to be going along.

Um... well, say hello to mummy.

Why don't you have her call me?

You know how she
feels about telephones.

Well, tell her to
write... Or I'll write...

Or maybe well just run
into each other sometime.

Nothing would please her more.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

How many pair of socks

do you figure a
guy like that has?

I have no idea.

Can I get you something?

I don't know
exactly what I've got.

I've been away several
months at a sani... vacation.

At a vacation.

Oh, gee, you didn't happen
to run into cliffie, did you?

No. Did he have a
nervous... vacation, too?

Oh, he's a wreck. Ohh.

Uh, listen, Diane,

have you given any thought
to stopping by the place

and saying hello to everybody?

Coach, that wouldn't
be a good idea.

Why do you ask?

Does anyone there ask about me?

No. That Carla won't let them.

Diane, listen, I want you
to come back to cheers

and have a talk with Sam.

Talk with s-s-s-s...

S-s-s-s...

S-s-s-s...

Yes. It's very important.

Maybe s-s-s-s...

S-s-s-s...

S-S...

Maybe the bartender there...

Didn't tell you about
our last conversation,

but it ended in
wrath and acrimony.

I vowed never to
return to cheers.

And I want to make
this very clear to you.

Nothing in heaven or hell

will ever get me
back there. Sam.

Diane, you might
be my last chance.

Sam's boozing again.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Poor s-s-s-s...

Poor, dear s-s-s-s...

Am.

Well, I'm back.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

What'll it be, normie?

A transfusion with a head on it.

Normie, are you sure
you want to have a kid?

Well...

You know, once the
monster comes along,

your whole life is
going to be different.

Yeah? Yeah.

Coach, you've had kids.

Does a baby change you?

Are you kidding, normie?
It can't even change itself.

Well, I'll have to
remember that.

What day is it? Coach: Friday.

Well, that's it for me.
Good night, everybody.

Have a good evening.

Sam, please. You can't leave.

Why not?

A friend of yours is
dropping by this afternoon,

and I kinda promised
that I'd keep you here.

Oh, hey, great.
One of my old buds.

I smell high times coming.

No, actually, it's one
of your old girlfriends.

Better still. Hope it's one
of the wild ones, coach.

But then again, they
were all wild, weren't they?

Well, no, they weren't all wild.

Hold it right there, coach.

If you're talking ab...

If you're talking
about the stick,

I'm gonna pull your
lower lip up over your head

like a cabbage leaf.

Cut it out, Carla.

Diane's not coming back here.

She said she's not coming back.

Well, she just might come by.

What makes you say that?

Because I asked her.

You what?

What the hell did
you do that for?

I knew you were
going to hate this,

but please, just listen
to what she has to say.

Promise me.

Oh, I know what
this is all about.

It's this drinking
crap, isn't it, coach?

How many times
do I got to tell you,

I'm drinking because I like it,

because it tastes good,
and because I want to.

Oh, god, coach, I don't
want to see Diane chambers.

Well, you're going
to have to see her

because she's coming
by here any second now!

God!

We're all sitting around here

like we're at the queen's tea,

and that thing is on its way.

In fact, it's very close.

I can sense it.

Aah!

Uhhh!

It's here, and it's
going to walk in

and say something. Ooh!

Stay out of this, Carla.

Hello...

Sam.

Hi there.

Did you forget something?

I just dropped in to see
how everyone was doing.

Oh, I just got back
from Florida, Diane.

Everybody's doing fine.

You're looking pretty good.

Thank you, Sam.
How are you doing?

Oh, I've never been
better in my entire life.

Oh, for god sakes,
will you stop it, Sam?

You've been boozing
with two hands

ever since Diane
walked out on you.

Sam, I'm so sorry.

You know, you both
are crazier than hell.

I threw her out of here.

And my drinking has got
nothing, repeat, nothing,

to do with Diane chambers.

You hear that, everybody?

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

No, you're all wrong.

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

I did start drinking
when she left.

I was celebrating.

Celebrating the
day I got rid of you.

You hear that, everybody?

Celebrating! Celebrating!

Well, let me tell
you something, Sam.

I have two birthdays now...

One to Mark the occasion
when my mother bore me

and one to commemorate
my glorious rebirth

when I walked out of here.

Just one more time:

You did not walk out
of here, I kicked you out.

And I would do it again,

except no man deserves
that much pleasure in one life.

Your brain could find shelter
in the shade of a snow pea.

Hey! No, Sam.

Please.

I didn't come here
to fight with you.

I came here to help.

Ah.

Well, I've never been
happier in my entire life.

What are you going to do?

Help me out of all my happiness?

You're the one
person who could do it.

No.

All I really want you to
do is see a friend of mine.

He's a man I met recently
at a sani... vacation.

She's been locked up
in a home for the silly

in Connecticut for three months.

I was not locked up. I
could come and go at will.

And besides, it's not true...
and how did you know about it?

I got a cousin
who's a private dick.

I wanted to find out if
you were really gone,

and you were really gone.

I entered golden
brook of my own volition

for a little rest, relaxation...

[Sam laughing]

What are you laughing at?

Well...

I've had women get
depressed when they left me,

but I've never had
one that went...

Bee-bee-buh-buh!

Charm like yours is a hard
thing to live without all right.

It had nothing to
do with you, Sam.

After I left here,

I decided I needed to regroup.

I needed to go some place
and take a good look at myself.

Ah. Shock treatment.

Carla, let's help Sam first,

and when the
psychiatric profession

has gained confidence
from that triumph,

we'll put every man Jack
of them on your case.

Sam, will you please
just meet this man?

Come on, Diane, look...

Yeah, I'm drinking again,

but it's not... It's
not the same thing.

This time it's good-time
controlled drinking.

Before, it was
negative. Now it's for fun.

It won't kill you to
talk to the guy, Sam.

Coach!

It's a waste of time.

Am I right, Carla?

See what the stick's
friend has got to say.

Oh, come on, Carla.

You listening to this, guys?

Sammy, I just want to say this

because you're
my friend, all right?

Don't get all defensive,

but maybe you are drinking

a little more than you should.

So are you.

I already have a
mother, lush-face.

Sorry. I just think

maybe you ought
to hear the guy out.

Sammy, the way I see
it is it can't do any harm.

I mean psychiatry's
come a long way

since the snake pit age.

Sam... they're all
trying to tell you

you need help.

I know what they're saying,

and I know why
they're saying it.

Coach here got them
all to gang up on me.

Boy, I tell you,

when you try to be
a fun-loving drunk,

you sure find out
who your friends are.

Ok, fine, Sam, forget
it. Drink all you want.

But I know the real
reason you're doing it.

Oh, what are you talking
about? What real reason?

You're afraid that I'm right
about you and the doctor.

And one thing in the
world you can't stand

is admitting that I'm
right about anything.

Wrong again.

You're scared, Sam.

Ok.

If I go see this
guy and he tells me

that I'm just a happy,
well-adjusted souse,

which he will if the quack
has a brain in his head,

would you all please
leave me alone?

Of course. Won't we?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure.

Ok, fine. Tell him to drop by.

I'll try to fit him in
between dames.

Why don't you say
hello to him right now.

Hello, Sam.

I'm Dr. Frasier crane.
I'm sorry I startled you.

This is weird.

Diane told me
that you're basically

a good, open-minded person

and that you'd be responsive,

so I took the Liberty of
dropping by a little early.

She actually said something
nice about me, huh?

She says a lot of
nice things about you.

Really?

So let's say we go somewhere

and have a cup of coffee

and get to know each other.

Ok, fine.

A few cups of Irish
coffee and a chat it is.

You mind if I
freshen up a little bit?

Fine.

Thank you, Sam.

Boy, you sure are back in here

for somebody who said

they were never
coming back in here.

Human beings change, Sam.

I've changed. So can you.

And rest assured, my coming here

is a one-time visit.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but you just called me
human for the first time.

I guess I just needed a
little time to think about it.

I knew it. What?

I knew it.

What? Knew what?

Are you kidding me, coach?

Don't you see
what's going on here?

She's nuts about me.

Her young Dr. Killjoy there

is just her way of saving face

to get back in the bar.

I don't know, Sam.

Oh, come on, I know the look.

She's in love.

Well, I have to run.

Diane, you're a remarkable woman

to help a man who's
caused you so much grief.

I'm free of it now, frasier.

I'm free of so many things

now that I've fallen
in love with you.

I am the luckiest
person on earth.

The second luckiest.

Not... here, Diane.

Of course.

I get carried away sometimes.

I understand.

That's why I love you.

[Theme music playing]