Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 22 - I'll Be Seeing You: Part 2 - full transcript
Phillip Semenko has got Diane to pose for him, despite Sam forbidding her to do so. Phillip is having troubles with the painting, not knowing why, but he comes to the conclusion that Diane has lost the anguish that was making the expression of the portrait so brilliant. In their discussing Sam, Diane confesses that their relationship is a troubled one, where they are two opposites, and she gets the feeling that Sam often likes to hurt her, which Sam had admitted to others in the past. That discussion was enough to bring back her anguish, and Phillip can finish the painting. Diane loves it and thinks that Sam will as well. Regardless of Sam's feeling about the painting itself, Phillip tells Diane that Sam will not be able to get over the fact that she went behind his back and the painting will be the impetus for the last time Sam and Diane will ever see each other. To make up for their previous fight, Sam makes what he believes in a grand gesture to Diane. But when Sam finds out about Phillip's painting, will Phillip's prognostication about Sam and Diane's relationship be correct?
Coach: That's it, folks.
Let's lock up, please.
Hey, Carla, can
I give you a lift?
I doubt it.
No, really.
Why don't you let me
give you a ride home?
A ride home?
I know what a ride home means.
What?
We'll get out in
front of my place,
and you'll say, "boy, I could
sure go for a cup of coffee now."
Out of the goodness of my heart,
I'll invite you in
for a cup of Jo.
We'll talk for a while.
It'll get later, quieter.
You'll ask me if my radio works.
I'll say, "yeah."
You'll put on a
soft music station.
A song will come
on we both like.
We'll start dancing a little
bit around the kitchen floor.
As we're dancing,
you'll take a chance.
You'll give me a
little kiss right here.
Carla, I'm not that kind of guy.
Shut up and listen.
You give me a little
kiss me right here,
then you give me a
little nibble on the ear.
Which ear?
Your choice.
I respond reluctantly,
which really makes you crazy.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Hi. My name's Ernie pantuso.
I'm supposed to tell you what
happened last week on cheers.
I'm good at explaining things
because I used to
be a baseball coach.
Here, let me illustrate.
Now, you may remember me
from my playing days in the minors.
I still hold the league record
for the most
times hit by a pitch.
That's as good as a hit.
Anyway... where was I?
Oh, last week on cheers,
this fella, semenko,
came into the bar.
He's a very famous artist.
While he was here, this
semenko fella saw Diane
and he got an idea.
He decided to paint her picture.
He thought there was
something special about her puss.
Diane loved the idea
because she'd heard of this
fella and thought he was good.
And as you all know,
Diane's very smart.
Well, the trouble is, when
Sam met this artist, semenko,
he hated him.
He told him he couldn't
paint Diane's picture,
and he told him to
get out of the place.
Semenko started to go,
and Sam left the room.
Diane pretended to go along,
but then Diane went
behind Sam's back.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is starting to
look like a diagram
for our old double steal.
As soon as the pitcher
goes into his windup,
the runner on first
breaks for second,
and the runner on
second breaks for third.
Or if second and
third are occupied,
the runner on
second breaks for third
and the man on third goes home.
The batter hits the
ball to the opposite field,
which means the field
plays to home plate.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm sorry. This isn't
the double steal at all.
These are directions
to my daughter's house.
No, I'm wrong again.
She moved. Or did she?
Anyway, Diane was
going behind Sam's back.
Wait. I really want
you to paint me.
What about that malignant growth
you call a boyfriend?
Once he sees the finished work,
he'll forgive me.
He'll forgive you.
He'll forgive everything.
He'll hate it,
and he'll hate you for doing it.
So you won't do it?
I'll do it for free.
Listen, I don't know
about you, but I'm worried.
I can't remember
where my daughter lives.
Oh, well, you're up to date.
Let me see. It's
somewhere in new england,
something something
Lane or drive...
Ok, listen up,
everybody, will you?
The picnic is off.
Why is that, coach?
Lack of interest...
I'm just calling it quits.
Sorry we spoiled
your picnic, coach.
My picnic?
You think I was
doing this all for me?
Do you think I like
sitting out there in
the dust and the dirt
and fighting the ants
for a chicken leg?
I can do that at home.
But, listen, forget everything.
Just forget the picnic.
Forget my sweat and all my work.
Forget me.
Aw, what the heck.
I'm going to coach's picnic.
Stick my name up there
too, will you, sharkey?
The "pathetic old man" bit,
Carla... works like a charm.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
What's up, normie?
The temperature
under my collar, coach.
Oh, what's the
matter there, big guy?
That damn hungry
heifer restaurant again.
The place is the pits.
Wait. You went back? I
thought you hated it there.
I got lured back by
their surf-and-turf special.
Oh, yeah. What's that,
lobster and steak, huh?
Tuna fish sandwich
with beef gravy.
Well, Diane is late again today.
You know something? She's
been late every day this week.
Ever since Sammy
threw that guy semenko
out of the bar.
Well, I could have told
Sammy a lot about that guy.
He's a real head case.
And, like all artists
worthy of the name,
the man is a homosexual.
Come on, cliff. You
think that everybody
who's the slightest
bit different is gay.
Oh, hey, no. I'm giving
you the benefit of the doubt.
All right. You think
that all artists are gay.
Absolutely. I mean, if
you don't believe me,
I can bring down this coffee
table book I got at home.
Nude male statuary.
And you tell me after
you look at those pictures
if the guys who chiseled those
lads aren't a little light in the loafers.
Phillip...
That's wonderful.
Really, it is.
Damn it!
I've run out of talent.
Phillip...
I'm worthless.
I'm a dog.
Stick a knife between
my shoulder blades.
Phillip, please.
You do this every day.
Today, it's different.
I've really lost it.
Is there anything I can do?
There is one thing.
Well, anything. What?
Let's go to bed.
You want to...
Make love?
No. I always take a nap
with a blond in the afternoon.
Phillip, I don't
know what to say.
I thought we had a
professional relationship.
Ok. Afterwards, you can pay me.
I make love to
everything I paint.
Your most famous painting
is of the harvard/yale
football game.
Yes. I spent three
months in jail.
College types don't
understand me.
I do, however, still get
a few Christmas cards.
Phillip...
You're a very talented man.
If we had met at
a different time,
in a different place...
Wait a minute.
The problem is not
my talent. It's you.
You've lost your agony.
You've lost that
sense of anguish
that drew me to you.
I'm dreadfully sorry. What
should I do to get unhappy?
Why don't you go see
what bullwinkle's doing?
Don't call him that.
Who?
I know to whom
you are referring.
You're always making
remarks about him.
I don't like that.
You don't know him.
I know him.
I know him better than you do.
What a prize!
Phillip, stop.
I admit, Sam and I are
very different people.
Sometimes, that's good.
Sometimes it's not so good.
Sometimes he makes me cry.
Sometimes he hurts
me and seems to like it.
That's it.
It's back.
The torment is back,
and with it, my brilliance.
I'll put some coffee on.
Never mind. I'm done.
What?
Oh, Phillip...
I love it.
So will Sam. He will.
Ha!
Ok, I got it.
My problems are solved.
An exploding pizza for Diane?
No. That's good, but no.
Remember how she
was so disappointed
that I wouldn't let that
smirnoff guy paint her?
She keeps insisting
he's a great artist.
We all know what
that means, right?
Well, I finally got something
to cheer her up here.
I had somebody do a great painting
of her from those photographs
that weren't good
enough for laughing boy.
Where did you get it, Sam?
I saw an ad in TV guide...
You know, the one
with the cover story
about the 10 cutest sitcom kids.
Oh, yeah. Interesting reading.
Well, this guy takes
an ordinary photograph,
and he turns it
into a work of art.
Are you ready for this?
Yeah.
Good one, Sammy.
Even I think that's tacky!
Real jerky, huh?
I knew that.
Don't you worry about me.
I knew that.
A real work of art there, Sam.
This is great, actually.
I was afraid she might
think I was serious,
but I see now that
the humor of this
isn't wasted on anybody.
Diane: It's of one
the most powerful
visual statements of
melancholy I've ever seen,
and Sam will appreciate
that it's atrabilious,
yet not a bit lugubrious.
If you think Sam's going
to love this painting,
you're crazier than
I'm accused of being.
Go ahead and show it to him.
Good-bye.
You're not coming to the bar
to show it to... Everyone?
No, but say hi to
all the gang for me.
Besides, I think
you should be alone
with Mortimer tomorrow.
Don't call him that,
and why should I
be alone with him?
Because it's the last
time you'll ever see him.
Hi, Carla. Sorry I'm late.
Yeah, yeah.
What's that?
The large package
is a portrait of me.
It's that weirdo artist that
Sam threw out of here, right?
I knew what you've
been doing all this week.
You figured it out?
Of course. It's all so obvious.
Carla, I've been
late a lot this week.
You've had to do a
lot of extra work. Here.
What is it?
It's a gift.
My way of saying you
did something nice for me,
and I thank you.
Hey! That's beautiful!
I thought you could wear it
with your purple outfit.
Yeah! Yeah, I probably can!
Carla...
It's polite to express gratitude
when one is given a gift.
Yeah, right.
Damn! I loved that thing, too.
Carla, keep it.
Oh, good!
Where's Sam?
In the back.
Carla, why don't
you take the day off?
I'll cover. I owe it to you.
Go join the picnic.
Uh-uh. Ok. I know
what you're doing here.
I see what you're up to.
You're doing all this
just to get me to say
that thing that people say
when other people
do favors for them.
You don't have to say it.
Go ahead and go.
I don't? Well, thank you!
Aah! Ohh! Ohh! Yuck!
Oh, I have to punish my tongue!
Aaagh!
Hey, babe, what's up?
This.
What's that?
It's a painting of me.
It was that semenko
guy, wasn't it?
You went behind my back.
I told you I didn't
want you to do this.
You knew exactly how I felt,
and yet you went ahead and did it.
Sam, let's not talk
until after you look at it.
I don't want to look at it.
I want an explanation here.
This is my explanation!
Fine, fine, fine.
I'll look at the damn thing.
No, I don't want you to look
at it in that frame of mind.
Well, tough. Tough!
No, you're upset, and I
don't want you to look at it
until your mind is open.
It's filled with animosity
to Phillip and me.
It is not.
My mind is completely
empty, all right?
No! I'm not going to have you
look at this until you calm down.
You're crazy, you know that?
First, you bring in this and tell
me that you want me to look at it,
and now you won't
let me look at it.
You can look at it.
I just have to see some
evidence of calmness.
I'm calm, Diane.
No, you're not.
I am calm.
No, you're not.
I'm calm.
If I were any more
calm, I would be dead.
Your knuckles are white, and
your jaw muscles are quivering.
I get that way when
I'm about to look at art.
Now come on.
We'll do this later.
Fine. Fine, fine,
fine, fine, fine.
I don't want anything
to distract you
from your enjoyment
of this painting.
When you see it,
you'll understand
and forgive.
What happens if I hate it?
I know you're going to love it,
because in the last six months,
you've come so far and
made so much progress.
You know, you sound like
you're talking about a chimp.
I just push the right buttons
and out pops a banana.
That's a ludicrous comparison.
There isn't a chimp alive
who could keep up with you.
You know, you always do this.
I really hate it.
You think you have
to tell poor Sam
what he should like,
what he shouldn't like,
how he should walk,
how he should talk,
what fork he should use
with his soup and salad.
I know. I know!
You don't use a fork with soup!
I just said you use a fork
with soup. It was a mistake.
Please do not say,
"you don't use
a fork with soup."
If you do nothing else
for me the rest of your life,
do not say,
"you don't use
a fork with soup."
My god, Sam.
I've made you a babbling idiot.
Who are you calling
a babbling idiot, huh?
Don't get upset.
I'm actually criticizing myself.
You just called
me a babbling idiot,
and you're criticizing yourself?
Do me a favor. Let me
criticize me for a while, huh?
You're sickening.
I should have known.
I tried to convince
myself that you... that I'm...
That we're...
This relationship
has always been
a contest of wills.
I give up.
All my rage is gone.
Maybe everything is gone.
Wait. Ah, I see what
you're doing here.
You don't want to fight
because I'm winning.
I hammered you pretty
good on this one, huh?
Actually, I've won a
lot of these babies.
I just never
mentioned it before.
Yeah. Come on.
I'm leaving. I find this very
tiresome all of a sudden.
Oh, no, no. You're
not leaving yet,
not until we've had a brouhaha.
Brou on your own haha.
I tell you, I'm through.
I'm empty.
Oh, yeah?
The only thing empty about you
is your head. Ha! Huh?
You go out that door now,
I'm gonna be crawling
with chicks by sundown.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not through yet.
Watch this. I'm
gonna do it, too.
I really am going to do this.
All right. All right.
Wait, wait, wait. I'm
saving my best for last here.
Are you ready for my best?
Ok, this is my
best shot right here.
Oh, my god.
Childish?
It's degrading to me, to you,
to the human race!
This doesn't bother
me at all, Sam.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Got you. Got you.
I win, again.
I want you to know something.
Ever since we've
known each other,
I've said to myself,
"one day, we are going to
get down to the real you."
Well, we did it.
Do you know what
the difference is
between you and
a fat, braying ass?
Nope.
The fat, braying ass would.
Speaking of fat, braying asses,
you're about to get
dumped on yours.
How dare you slap me?
Don't you ever hit me again!
Like hell.
You always think
you got to get the last one in.
All right. Come on.
Ow! Ow!
Come on.
Please, come on.
Let go. All right?
You first. All right. All right.
On the count of 3.
1...
2...
3... now.
You're not letting go!
You're squeezing harder!
That's because
you're not letting go.
I'm not letting go because
you're squeezing harder.
Ow! Ow!
Come on! Come on!
This is it.
We have sunk as low...
As human beings can sink!
There's no degradation left.
Ah.
Ooh.
Heh.
Are you ok?
Do I look ok?
Actually, you look
a little like Rudolph.
Come to me, my
sweet little reindeer.
Your big old stag's in town.
Don't touch me.
Oh, come on. Come on.
You hit me!
Well, not hard.
What does that mean, "not hard"?
It means not as
hard as I wanted to.
I'm leaving.
No. Wait, wait.
You're not leaving yet,
not until I say one more thing.
Oh, what?
Get the hell out of here.
You are about to cross
a very dangerous line.
You heard me. I want you out.
If this is coming out of
the heat of the moment,
it is a very bad mistake,
one which you will
never be able to correct.
Out.
Because if I go,
I am never, ever coming back.
Can I get that in writing?
Oh, damn. I only got pencils.
I'd sure like to
get this in ink.
Don't joke, Sam!
I mean it!
And I want you to understand,
if you don't stop me now,
this is the last time
you'll ever see me.
Fine.
Hey...
Diane.
This is it, huh?
This is it.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Wow.
Let's lock up, please.
Hey, Carla, can
I give you a lift?
I doubt it.
No, really.
Why don't you let me
give you a ride home?
A ride home?
I know what a ride home means.
What?
We'll get out in
front of my place,
and you'll say, "boy, I could
sure go for a cup of coffee now."
Out of the goodness of my heart,
I'll invite you in
for a cup of Jo.
We'll talk for a while.
It'll get later, quieter.
You'll ask me if my radio works.
I'll say, "yeah."
You'll put on a
soft music station.
A song will come
on we both like.
We'll start dancing a little
bit around the kitchen floor.
As we're dancing,
you'll take a chance.
You'll give me a
little kiss right here.
Carla, I'm not that kind of guy.
Shut up and listen.
You give me a little
kiss me right here,
then you give me a
little nibble on the ear.
Which ear?
Your choice.
I respond reluctantly,
which really makes you crazy.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Hi. My name's Ernie pantuso.
I'm supposed to tell you what
happened last week on cheers.
I'm good at explaining things
because I used to
be a baseball coach.
Here, let me illustrate.
Now, you may remember me
from my playing days in the minors.
I still hold the league record
for the most
times hit by a pitch.
That's as good as a hit.
Anyway... where was I?
Oh, last week on cheers,
this fella, semenko,
came into the bar.
He's a very famous artist.
While he was here, this
semenko fella saw Diane
and he got an idea.
He decided to paint her picture.
He thought there was
something special about her puss.
Diane loved the idea
because she'd heard of this
fella and thought he was good.
And as you all know,
Diane's very smart.
Well, the trouble is, when
Sam met this artist, semenko,
he hated him.
He told him he couldn't
paint Diane's picture,
and he told him to
get out of the place.
Semenko started to go,
and Sam left the room.
Diane pretended to go along,
but then Diane went
behind Sam's back.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is starting to
look like a diagram
for our old double steal.
As soon as the pitcher
goes into his windup,
the runner on first
breaks for second,
and the runner on
second breaks for third.
Or if second and
third are occupied,
the runner on
second breaks for third
and the man on third goes home.
The batter hits the
ball to the opposite field,
which means the field
plays to home plate.
Now, wait a minute.
I'm sorry. This isn't
the double steal at all.
These are directions
to my daughter's house.
No, I'm wrong again.
She moved. Or did she?
Anyway, Diane was
going behind Sam's back.
Wait. I really want
you to paint me.
What about that malignant growth
you call a boyfriend?
Once he sees the finished work,
he'll forgive me.
He'll forgive you.
He'll forgive everything.
He'll hate it,
and he'll hate you for doing it.
So you won't do it?
I'll do it for free.
Listen, I don't know
about you, but I'm worried.
I can't remember
where my daughter lives.
Oh, well, you're up to date.
Let me see. It's
somewhere in new england,
something something
Lane or drive...
Ok, listen up,
everybody, will you?
The picnic is off.
Why is that, coach?
Lack of interest...
I'm just calling it quits.
Sorry we spoiled
your picnic, coach.
My picnic?
You think I was
doing this all for me?
Do you think I like
sitting out there in
the dust and the dirt
and fighting the ants
for a chicken leg?
I can do that at home.
But, listen, forget everything.
Just forget the picnic.
Forget my sweat and all my work.
Forget me.
Aw, what the heck.
I'm going to coach's picnic.
Stick my name up there
too, will you, sharkey?
The "pathetic old man" bit,
Carla... works like a charm.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
What's up, normie?
The temperature
under my collar, coach.
Oh, what's the
matter there, big guy?
That damn hungry
heifer restaurant again.
The place is the pits.
Wait. You went back? I
thought you hated it there.
I got lured back by
their surf-and-turf special.
Oh, yeah. What's that,
lobster and steak, huh?
Tuna fish sandwich
with beef gravy.
Well, Diane is late again today.
You know something? She's
been late every day this week.
Ever since Sammy
threw that guy semenko
out of the bar.
Well, I could have told
Sammy a lot about that guy.
He's a real head case.
And, like all artists
worthy of the name,
the man is a homosexual.
Come on, cliff. You
think that everybody
who's the slightest
bit different is gay.
Oh, hey, no. I'm giving
you the benefit of the doubt.
All right. You think
that all artists are gay.
Absolutely. I mean, if
you don't believe me,
I can bring down this coffee
table book I got at home.
Nude male statuary.
And you tell me after
you look at those pictures
if the guys who chiseled those
lads aren't a little light in the loafers.
Phillip...
That's wonderful.
Really, it is.
Damn it!
I've run out of talent.
Phillip...
I'm worthless.
I'm a dog.
Stick a knife between
my shoulder blades.
Phillip, please.
You do this every day.
Today, it's different.
I've really lost it.
Is there anything I can do?
There is one thing.
Well, anything. What?
Let's go to bed.
You want to...
Make love?
No. I always take a nap
with a blond in the afternoon.
Phillip, I don't
know what to say.
I thought we had a
professional relationship.
Ok. Afterwards, you can pay me.
I make love to
everything I paint.
Your most famous painting
is of the harvard/yale
football game.
Yes. I spent three
months in jail.
College types don't
understand me.
I do, however, still get
a few Christmas cards.
Phillip...
You're a very talented man.
If we had met at
a different time,
in a different place...
Wait a minute.
The problem is not
my talent. It's you.
You've lost your agony.
You've lost that
sense of anguish
that drew me to you.
I'm dreadfully sorry. What
should I do to get unhappy?
Why don't you go see
what bullwinkle's doing?
Don't call him that.
Who?
I know to whom
you are referring.
You're always making
remarks about him.
I don't like that.
You don't know him.
I know him.
I know him better than you do.
What a prize!
Phillip, stop.
I admit, Sam and I are
very different people.
Sometimes, that's good.
Sometimes it's not so good.
Sometimes he makes me cry.
Sometimes he hurts
me and seems to like it.
That's it.
It's back.
The torment is back,
and with it, my brilliance.
I'll put some coffee on.
Never mind. I'm done.
What?
Oh, Phillip...
I love it.
So will Sam. He will.
Ha!
Ok, I got it.
My problems are solved.
An exploding pizza for Diane?
No. That's good, but no.
Remember how she
was so disappointed
that I wouldn't let that
smirnoff guy paint her?
She keeps insisting
he's a great artist.
We all know what
that means, right?
Well, I finally got something
to cheer her up here.
I had somebody do a great painting
of her from those photographs
that weren't good
enough for laughing boy.
Where did you get it, Sam?
I saw an ad in TV guide...
You know, the one
with the cover story
about the 10 cutest sitcom kids.
Oh, yeah. Interesting reading.
Well, this guy takes
an ordinary photograph,
and he turns it
into a work of art.
Are you ready for this?
Yeah.
Good one, Sammy.
Even I think that's tacky!
Real jerky, huh?
I knew that.
Don't you worry about me.
I knew that.
A real work of art there, Sam.
This is great, actually.
I was afraid she might
think I was serious,
but I see now that
the humor of this
isn't wasted on anybody.
Diane: It's of one
the most powerful
visual statements of
melancholy I've ever seen,
and Sam will appreciate
that it's atrabilious,
yet not a bit lugubrious.
If you think Sam's going
to love this painting,
you're crazier than
I'm accused of being.
Go ahead and show it to him.
Good-bye.
You're not coming to the bar
to show it to... Everyone?
No, but say hi to
all the gang for me.
Besides, I think
you should be alone
with Mortimer tomorrow.
Don't call him that,
and why should I
be alone with him?
Because it's the last
time you'll ever see him.
Hi, Carla. Sorry I'm late.
Yeah, yeah.
What's that?
The large package
is a portrait of me.
It's that weirdo artist that
Sam threw out of here, right?
I knew what you've
been doing all this week.
You figured it out?
Of course. It's all so obvious.
Carla, I've been
late a lot this week.
You've had to do a
lot of extra work. Here.
What is it?
It's a gift.
My way of saying you
did something nice for me,
and I thank you.
Hey! That's beautiful!
I thought you could wear it
with your purple outfit.
Yeah! Yeah, I probably can!
Carla...
It's polite to express gratitude
when one is given a gift.
Yeah, right.
Damn! I loved that thing, too.
Carla, keep it.
Oh, good!
Where's Sam?
In the back.
Carla, why don't
you take the day off?
I'll cover. I owe it to you.
Go join the picnic.
Uh-uh. Ok. I know
what you're doing here.
I see what you're up to.
You're doing all this
just to get me to say
that thing that people say
when other people
do favors for them.
You don't have to say it.
Go ahead and go.
I don't? Well, thank you!
Aah! Ohh! Ohh! Yuck!
Oh, I have to punish my tongue!
Aaagh!
Hey, babe, what's up?
This.
What's that?
It's a painting of me.
It was that semenko
guy, wasn't it?
You went behind my back.
I told you I didn't
want you to do this.
You knew exactly how I felt,
and yet you went ahead and did it.
Sam, let's not talk
until after you look at it.
I don't want to look at it.
I want an explanation here.
This is my explanation!
Fine, fine, fine.
I'll look at the damn thing.
No, I don't want you to look
at it in that frame of mind.
Well, tough. Tough!
No, you're upset, and I
don't want you to look at it
until your mind is open.
It's filled with animosity
to Phillip and me.
It is not.
My mind is completely
empty, all right?
No! I'm not going to have you
look at this until you calm down.
You're crazy, you know that?
First, you bring in this and tell
me that you want me to look at it,
and now you won't
let me look at it.
You can look at it.
I just have to see some
evidence of calmness.
I'm calm, Diane.
No, you're not.
I am calm.
No, you're not.
I'm calm.
If I were any more
calm, I would be dead.
Your knuckles are white, and
your jaw muscles are quivering.
I get that way when
I'm about to look at art.
Now come on.
We'll do this later.
Fine. Fine, fine,
fine, fine, fine.
I don't want anything
to distract you
from your enjoyment
of this painting.
When you see it,
you'll understand
and forgive.
What happens if I hate it?
I know you're going to love it,
because in the last six months,
you've come so far and
made so much progress.
You know, you sound like
you're talking about a chimp.
I just push the right buttons
and out pops a banana.
That's a ludicrous comparison.
There isn't a chimp alive
who could keep up with you.
You know, you always do this.
I really hate it.
You think you have
to tell poor Sam
what he should like,
what he shouldn't like,
how he should walk,
how he should talk,
what fork he should use
with his soup and salad.
I know. I know!
You don't use a fork with soup!
I just said you use a fork
with soup. It was a mistake.
Please do not say,
"you don't use
a fork with soup."
If you do nothing else
for me the rest of your life,
do not say,
"you don't use
a fork with soup."
My god, Sam.
I've made you a babbling idiot.
Who are you calling
a babbling idiot, huh?
Don't get upset.
I'm actually criticizing myself.
You just called
me a babbling idiot,
and you're criticizing yourself?
Do me a favor. Let me
criticize me for a while, huh?
You're sickening.
I should have known.
I tried to convince
myself that you... that I'm...
That we're...
This relationship
has always been
a contest of wills.
I give up.
All my rage is gone.
Maybe everything is gone.
Wait. Ah, I see what
you're doing here.
You don't want to fight
because I'm winning.
I hammered you pretty
good on this one, huh?
Actually, I've won a
lot of these babies.
I just never
mentioned it before.
Yeah. Come on.
I'm leaving. I find this very
tiresome all of a sudden.
Oh, no, no. You're
not leaving yet,
not until we've had a brouhaha.
Brou on your own haha.
I tell you, I'm through.
I'm empty.
Oh, yeah?
The only thing empty about you
is your head. Ha! Huh?
You go out that door now,
I'm gonna be crawling
with chicks by sundown.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not through yet.
Watch this. I'm
gonna do it, too.
I really am going to do this.
All right. All right.
Wait, wait, wait. I'm
saving my best for last here.
Are you ready for my best?
Ok, this is my
best shot right here.
Oh, my god.
Childish?
It's degrading to me, to you,
to the human race!
This doesn't bother
me at all, Sam.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Got you. Got you.
I win, again.
I want you to know something.
Ever since we've
known each other,
I've said to myself,
"one day, we are going to
get down to the real you."
Well, we did it.
Do you know what
the difference is
between you and
a fat, braying ass?
Nope.
The fat, braying ass would.
Speaking of fat, braying asses,
you're about to get
dumped on yours.
How dare you slap me?
Don't you ever hit me again!
Like hell.
You always think
you got to get the last one in.
All right. Come on.
Ow! Ow!
Come on.
Please, come on.
Let go. All right?
You first. All right. All right.
On the count of 3.
1...
2...
3... now.
You're not letting go!
You're squeezing harder!
That's because
you're not letting go.
I'm not letting go because
you're squeezing harder.
Ow! Ow!
Come on! Come on!
This is it.
We have sunk as low...
As human beings can sink!
There's no degradation left.
Ah.
Ooh.
Heh.
Are you ok?
Do I look ok?
Actually, you look
a little like Rudolph.
Come to me, my
sweet little reindeer.
Your big old stag's in town.
Don't touch me.
Oh, come on. Come on.
You hit me!
Well, not hard.
What does that mean, "not hard"?
It means not as
hard as I wanted to.
I'm leaving.
No. Wait, wait.
You're not leaving yet,
not until I say one more thing.
Oh, what?
Get the hell out of here.
You are about to cross
a very dangerous line.
You heard me. I want you out.
If this is coming out of
the heat of the moment,
it is a very bad mistake,
one which you will
never be able to correct.
Out.
Because if I go,
I am never, ever coming back.
Can I get that in writing?
Oh, damn. I only got pencils.
I'd sure like to
get this in ink.
Don't joke, Sam!
I mean it!
And I want you to understand,
if you don't stop me now,
this is the last time
you'll ever see me.
Fine.
Hey...
Diane.
This is it, huh?
This is it.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Wow.