Cheers (1982–1993): Season 3, Episode 2 - Rebound: Part 2 - full transcript

"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.

That's it, folks. Closing it up.

Good night, coach.

See you later, coach.
Bye. Good night, guys.

So, normie, you want to
stop off and get a bite to eat?

Come on, cliffie, I have
a wife to go home to.

That's all right. We could
stop by and pick her up.

I haven't met her yet.

I don't think so. Not tonight.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Who are you
ashamed of, me or her?



A little of both, I guess.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪



♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Hey, everybody, I'm back.

Last week on cheers,
yours truly, cliff clavin,

postman extraordinaire
and happy wanderer,

returned from a vacation in
the paradisiacal state of Florida.

It was an invigorating and
magnificent experience.

I'd like to tell
you all about it,

but certain parties insist

I fill you in on the
rest of the story, so...

Diane and Sam, as you may know,

had a little falling
by the wayside.

After they went
their separate ways,

Sam went back to his old ones.

I didn't happen
to get the license

of the wagon
that Sam fell off of,

but back to the bottle he went.

Diane, on her side,

went what we
euphemistically call

adeeba-deeba-deeb,

and spent a little time

in a hospital in the country.

After she got out,

coach talked her into
coming into cheers

to try to talk some
sense into Sam.

She talked him into seeing

a psychiatrist of
her acquaintance.

Sam agreed, not knowing
that said shrink and said Diane

were dating steadily
and, rumor has it, heavily.

Sam, in fact,

is laboring under
the misconception

that Diane still
carries a torch for him.

And Diane actually
thinks that Sam

is the torchbearer
in this situation.

You know something?

I think I may have the
wrong batch of slides here.

These are my snaps of fla.

Well, you all know what
Sam and Diane look like.

But a lot of you
poor, pasty wretches

have never seen the
old sunshine state.

What we're looking at here is...

Hey! All right, who
pulled the plug?

Very funny, wise guy.

Come on.

You're a failure at everything
you've ever tried to do.

And you're gutless because
you won't admit you're a failure.

You've hurt your friends.

You've hurt everyone that's
ever tried to reach out to you.

You make me sick!

Sam, tell me
what's on your mind.

I'm wondering how much
this is gonna cost me.

You're thinking of money.

I hope it's not
going to be a lot.

Because the truth is I could get Diane
to come in here and do this for free.

She used to abuse
me for free all the time.

Well, it wasn't exactly free.

I had to sleep with her.

You know, Sam,
beneath your flippancy,

I sense a lot of
hostility towards Diane

and towards myself.

Look...

I haven't had a
drink in 10 days.

I know I got a problem,

but I'm going to a.A.,

and I really I think
I'm going to be ok.

You're better than ok, Sam.

You're abundantly human.

Didn't you just say I made
you sick a minute ago?

I was confronting you, Sam.

Forget about a minute ago.

I'm now telling you that
you're abundantly human.

Well, great. Great. Because...

I really think I'm going to
be able to handle this now.

I don't.

I'm abundantly human, remember?

Sam, don't you see
what I'm doing here?

I'm putting you on an
emotional pendulum.

I don't want to be on
an emotional anything.

I just want to quit.

Uh-oh. What?

This is very distressing.

I hear Sam the failure talking.

You said I was
abundantly human, twice!

An abundantly human person
is not resistant to change.

I want to quit. That's a change.

Sam, you're becoming
compulsive on this point.

I think we should
double our sessions.

Double! Oh, come on, frasier.

I'm gonna be ok, really.

Your progress has
been remarkable.

Good. Good. Let's quit
before you change your mind.

Sam, there's that
word "quit" again.

Do you realize that
you keep saying it?

Could you stop saying
it if you wanted to?

Frasier.

Sam, I know a quiet, peaceful
little place in the country.

I could get you in
for the weekend.

Lovely grounds. Nice
food. Dress is casual.

In fact, your tie and
belt will be confiscated.

Frasier, I'm not
going to the hospital.

I'm not having
any more sessions.

We're through. That's it.
Now get the hell out of here.

Sam, we did it!

Did what?

You're a whole person, Sam.

Really, I mean that.

I am?

You stood up to
me and took control.

You're no longer a man who needs

to run away from his problems,

who needs to drink,

who needs to spend his weekends

at a hospital in the
sticks bound on thorazine.

Good-bye, Sam. Be well.

Oh, uh, frasier, wait a minute.

Sam, you must
break this attachment.

Swim, Sam. Swim.

No, no, frasier. No.

I just want you to tell me

what you think put
Diane in the ha-ha house.

Well, I'm not her doctor,

and even if I were, I
couldn't discuss it with you.

Doesn't matter. I
know she went nuts

'cause I kicked her out of here.

And by the way, Sam...

I don't think you should
use the word "nuts"

when discussing Diane.

Oh? You've met her.

Give me a better one.

Bonkers.

You see? You don't
need alcohol to have fun.

In my profession,

there's no such thing
as a closed door.

That explains how Diane got out.

You know, as long as you hang
on to that wonderful sense of humor,

I don't think you can
ever go completely astray.

Good-bye, everybody.

So long, doc.

Hey, frasier.

Say hello to all
your loons for me.

Carla, why do you
keep building walls

between yourself
and everyone else?

Have you taken a good
look at everyone else?

Touché.

Here's to Sammy.

10 days without the slow
death of demon alcohol.

No, no. Come on, you
guys. Don't toast me for that.

I tell you, getting
back on the bottle

was the stupidest
thing I ever did.

I was reading in an
article the other day...

Alcohol actually eats huge
holes in the tissue of your...

Cliffie, some people
like bartenders

who tell great
stories and jokes.

No, give me a good
temperance lecture any time.

I'm sorry, you guys.

Well, thank god I don't
have an alcoholic personality.

You don't have a personality.

Carla, I'm going to
resist the temptation

of hurling a rejoinder
in your direction

primarily out of the respect I
bear for members of your gender.

Please, make sure that's all you
bear for members of my gender.

Hello, everybody.

Coach, come here.

Coach, this is the
moment I've been dreading.

What, Sam? Well, Diane's here,

and she's probably going to
beg me to get back together again.

I'm going to have
to break her heart.

My god, that's terrible.

No, the terrible thing is
I'm looking forward to it.

Then after being in the
everglades a couple of days,

seminole Indians
found me and made me

an honorary mail
carrier of the tribe.

Hi.

Hi. Sam, is frasier here?

No, he just left. We
finished our session.

He's making remarkable progress.

Well, it's you I want
to talk to anyway.

Yeah, I know. I figured.

Well, you probably
still remember

where the office is.

Oh, yes.

I've seen it in my dreams.

Coach, I'm going
to take a break here.

Hey, coach, who's miss
god's gift to the world?

Gee, I didn't see the
show this year, honey.

I think miss Kansas won.

Strange to be here again.

Whoa.

Using a new Cologne?

Oh, no. That's the roach bomb.

But, you know...

Hey, that's not a...

Yes, well...

Down to business.

Sam...

There's something I've
been keeping from you,

and I've got to tell
you and tell you now.

Well, there's something
I need to say to you,

and I think I ought to go first.

No, no, I think maybe
I should go first.

Maybe.

I'm over you. I'm over you.

You're over me? You're over me?

You don't think i...
You don't think I...

You bet your... of course...

You thought... you thought...

Well, so did you! So did you!

We keep doing it!
We keep doing it!

[Laughter]

Coach, I think something

we thought we'd seen the last of

is just about to resurface.

Yeah, my lunch.

[Laughter]

Oh.

Diane...

Rest assured, I have
no feelings left for you.

Nothing.

I assure you, I feel
less than nothing for you.

Then there's nothing
really left to say.

There is one other
thing you should know.

It's quite important, really.

There's another man in my life,

and he's someone you know.

Really? Who?

Frasier and I have been
lovers for several weeks.

Ooh.

What do you mean "ooh"?

No, I'm sorry.

I just got a little
mental picture there.

It took me by surprise.

Uh... well...

Why didn't you say
something sooner?

Well, frasier didn't
wanna tell you

because he was afraid it
would interfere with your therapy.

We had a terrible
fight about... no...

Actually, we had a
wonderful fight about it.

Frasier has taught me that
fighting can be wonderful

if you lay out the ground
rules, share your hurt,

and never lose respect for the
other person's abundant humanness.

Boy, you people with full lives.

Well... Well...

Wait a second.

Guys, I think you
ought to hear this.

Diane here's got
herself a new fella.

Turns out that she and
frasier crane are... Lovers.

Ooh.

What do you mean "ooh"?

I mean...

Ooh-you two should
be very happy together.

Sam...

I thought you said she
was still nuts about you.

Well, I was wrong, coach.

I'm happy to be wrong.

Me, too.

Well, Sam...

I guess this is good-bye.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Diane, what are you doing here?

I've been looking
all over for you.

Frasier, I'm so
glad you're here.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Diane, you shared our happy
secret with Sam, didn't you?

Yes, and he took it wonderfully.

In fact, just to show
how wonderfully,

let me buy you a drink.

Why... thanks, Sam.

I'll have a white-wine spritzer.

Well, ok.

I'll have one, too.

It's our drink.

You two meet in
the bin, did you?

Yes, and it isn't a bin.

Golden brook is
a pastoral retreat.

You hold hands
during the lobotomy?

Carla...

Diane, take a joke.

I love you.

Frasier is a consulting
psychiatrist at golden brook.

He wasn't my therapist.

How did you two get together?

I was playing croquet
on the north lawn

one beautiful morning.

It's a game I learned
during my stay there,

and I got quite good at it.

I saw you do that.

You are a naughty, naughty girl.

I saw you do it. Admit it.

Come on. Be a grown-up.

It was amazing to me
how I could just lose myself

in the flow of the game.

Now I'm annoyed.

I found when I played with
someone of equal ability,

it gave me an appreciation

for the nobler aspects
of sport and competition.

What is this business?

No! I'm not going to
play with you anymore!

Well, fine. Then... oh! Ow!

Frasier happened by

in the midst of this
spirited contest,

and he stopped to
correct a flaw in my swing.

Come and get me.

My opponent on
that particular day

was as crafty a strategist as I.

We really brought out
the best in each other.

Girls. Ladies.

Frasier remained not
only to watch my game,

but to good-naturedly
arbitrate a close call for us.

I must admit that
under the attentive gaze

of a distinguished doctor,

I lost some of my
concentration on the game itself.

Who's your doctor?

Who would guess that a
leisurely game of croquet

would provide me
with such a trophy?

Indeed.

That's quite a story.

How is your romantic
life going, Sam?

I'm dating a girl right now

that I think may
just turn out to be

the woman I've been
waiting for all my life.

Thank you.

Sam Malone!

You went out with my sister!

How did you think that wasn't
going to get back to me, huh?

I have had just about as
much as I can take from you!

As far as I'm concerned,

you never existed.

Well, the search continues.

Swim, Sam, swim.

Great. Great.

Now I got to work

another Saturday
night by myself.

Sam, you promised you weren't

going to boink any more
waitresses in this joint

unless it was me.

Well, obviously, I'm going to
have to find somebody to fill this job

who I can keep my hands off of.

You looking for work?

Thank you very much
for the very attractive offer,

but I'm not interested.

Well, no, I
understand. Silly of me.

You couldn't possibly
come back to work here.

What are you talking about?

Well, it's... it's interesting.

I mean, it doesn't
bother me at all,

but obviously, it creates
a kind of problem for you.

Frasier, could we
go now, please?

Of course, dear.

I guess this is good-bye
for now, Sam, but remember,

there's no such thing
as a former patient.

I think you'll find that once
you've been a patient of mine,

I'm always there when you...

[beep beep]

Oh, great.

I'll bet this is important.

Where's the phone?

Down the hall.

Why don't you have a seat there?

No, thank you.

I understand.

What do you understand?

Well, I assumed that what you
said in the office there was the truth,

but obviously, you're feeling some
kind of sexual tension around me.

I guess sitting that close
would be kind of rough on you.

The fact of the matter is,
I don't want to work here

because I think I have
a better lot in store

than a life of serving beer
to squamulose laggards.

Please, Diane, the
man's in the room.

When frasier comes back,

will you tell him I'm
waiting outside, please?

I understand, really.

Maybe it'd be safer to wait
around the corner there.

I do give off this kind of aura.

That's the roach bomb. Ah.

Diane, listen.

Diane, please, I have
something to say to you,

and it's straight from here.

What is it, coach?

This is my heart, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Diane, honey, if you
walk out that door,

he's back on the bottle.

Oh, well, I can't be
responsible for that.

Please, Diane, don't tear
his heart out again, please.

You'd be doing
us both a big favor

if you just stick
around for a little while,

a couple, three weeks,

just till he gets
back on his feet.

Please.

Well, I've gone this far.

I might as well persist
until he's recovered.

She's back!

If frasier approves,
I'll stick around

and help you through
your waitress problem.

Whoa. Wait a second here.

You mean to tell me you're
actually coming back to work here?

I'll take it until a
better job comes along.

Cleaning up after
rodeos, for instance.

Great, huh, Sam?

Diane's back.

That's great.

What did you say to her?

It was easy. I said,
she walks out that door,

she's back in that nut
house within a month.

Oh, I see.

You're not going
to tell her, are you?

No, coach. No.

Well, welcome
aboard, miss chambers.

Thank you, Mr. Malone.

That coach is a pretty smart
fellow sometimes, isn't he?

Yes, he is, Sam.

Well...

Enough said about it.

Yes, enough.

Well, Diane, shall we be off?

Oh, frasier, I think I'm going
to come back to work here.

What?

No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, as frasier crane, md.,

I don't think that's a good
idea for the two of you.

As frasier crane, man,

I don't think it's a good
idea for the three of us.

Frasier, listen to me.

Sam needs my help in the bar.

If you feel any
spark of jealousy,

please, let me assure you

I could work side
by side with this man

for the rest of my
life and feel nothing.

Work? Hell, I could live
in the same house with her

and never be tempted.

I could sleep in the
same bed and get...

Nothing but a good night's rest.

I could get out of
jail after 12 years,

serve on a ship

with an all-male
crew for another four,

be dropped off on a desert
island for another three,

eating nothing but raw oysters,

and if Diane were to walk
out of the surf naked one day,

all I'd want from her
would be the hockey scores.

And you wouldn't even get that.

I'm afraid that's
not good enough.

Diane, we're leaving.

Excuse me, Diane.

Doc, could I have a
word with you, please?

What about?

Listen, doc.

You take her out that door now,

and those two will be dreaming

dreams about each
other from now on.

But if she worked here,

doc, the hatred, oh!

You know, I'm glad
coach stopped me

to ask about career
opportunities in psychiatry.

Yes, Harvard is excellent.

You see, it gave me
some time to reflect.

Diane, you must
come back to work.

I must?

You and Sam

went through a violent
emotional experience.

Now this will give you
an opportunity to diffuse,

to demythologize your romance.

Isn't he amazing?

Abundantly.

Sammy, are you
going to tell Carla?

Yeah. Uh, maybe you
ought to give me a hand here.

Hey, what's this all about?

Hey, hey!

You got her? Check!

Carla, Diane's coming
back to work here.

Really?

At last, some help,

and she's had experience, too.

I hope she can start right away.

No, no, no. Take
her in the back.

Oh, you think I'm
going to try to kill her

or hurt her or maim
her. No, no, no.

Walls, walls, walls.

Well, Sam, Diane and
I really must be going,

but it looks like we'll be
seeing each other again.

Yeah, I guess we will.

Hey, frasier,

let me congratulate you
here on your new honey.

Why, thanks, Sam.
I've never been happier.

Let me congratulate
you, too, Diane.

For heaven's sake,
give her a kiss.

Uh... yeah, why not?

Why not?

Seems appropriate.

Um... Mm.

Now there's a healthy beginning.

Nuts about me.

Pitiful.

[Theme music playing]