Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 9 - They Called Me Mayday - full transcript
Dick Cavett encourages Sam to write a book about his playing days, and Diane helps him do it. Meanwhile, Norm's old rival for Vera wants to make a move on her now that she and Norm are separated.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Morning, norm.
Morning, Sam.
Coffee's on.
Great. Any calls?
Mm-mmm.
Mmm. Vera called this morning.
Oh, yeah? You guys
going to patch it up?
No. She just wanted to
reach out and nag someone.
Come on, admit it,
norm. You miss her.
Yeah, yeah, I do miss her.
As a matter of fact, Sam, there's
only one thing that keeps me
from taking her back right now.
She kicked you out on your butt.
Right.
Sammy, I appreciate you
letting me crash here for a while.
Don't mention it.
When I get back on my feet, I insist on
paying you some kind of rent, all right?
Hey, come on, norm,
it's not necessary.
Come on, I have my
pride to consider, please.
All right. You can
pay me $1.00 a month.
For what?
All right. How about 50 cents?
Fine, but no cleaning deposit.
We're low on cream, Sam.
I'll get right on it.
No rush, no rush.
♪ Making the way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Coach, do you know who that is?
Who, the guy with dick cavett?
Coach, that's dick cavett.
Yeah, it is him.
Yeah, lecturer, talk-show host,
raconteur, short guy.
Kind of cute for a brainiac.
[Sam] I used to
watch him on pbs.
You watch pbs?
Well, sure.
There's that one show I
used to love in particular.
Which one?
The one with all the girls
answering the phones.
I wonder what dick
cavett's doing in Boston.
I don't like the
look on her face.
I haven't seen one I do like.
Look at this. What a shame.
Scooter mcgrath
died. Heart attack.
Oh. Who was he, coach?
An old teammate of mine, Carla.
Nice guy.
Oh, coach, I'm
sorry to hear that.
Yeah, you know, scooter
had a lot of bad habits.
He probably got
himself out of shape.
There you go. Just
goes to show you.
Everybody needs a
little bit of exercise.
Yeah, I could sure
use something.
What do you recommend?
You could do what I do.
It's prehensile
isotonic geometrics.
Huh?
Prehensile isotonic geometrics.
What is it?
It's muscle tension under
constant contraction.
The beauty of it is you
can do it anytime, anywhere,
but you don't perspire.
You want to give it
a shot here, coach?
Yeah, sure.
Ok, so choose a
muscle, when I say go,
flex it for 60
seconds, all right?
Right. 1, 2, 3, go.
Uh-oh. I saw this
on twilight zone once.
Excuse me. I
couldn't help noticing.
You're dick cavett.
Ah, well, I couldn't
help being dick cavett.
Ah, wit. My ears hunger for it.
Being an aspiring poetess,
I, of course, enjoyed
your interviews
with all those wonderful
writers and poets.
I'll never forget the night
that that Russian poet
decided to defect on your stage.
Yeah, that was a great moment.
Upset the cleaning
crew a little.
Oh, you goose!
So, what brings
you to our hostelry?
Well, if you must know,
and I gather you must,
I'm doing a book-signing
party over at the Plaza.
Yes, yes, your new
book. It's wonderful.
Have you read it?
No. I can only imagine.
You must have a lot of
close and dear friends
who are in the publishing world.
A few.
Wouldn't it be a
great thrill for you
to run across a
budding poetic genius?
Only if I were wearing cleats.
You don't know how I
welcome your sense of humor
in this desert of banality.
I wouldn't call
this a desert. No?
No, a desert would be an
easier place to get a drink.
Oh, yes.
What can I get for you?
Time's up, coach.
So, did it work, coach?
No. Cliff, I was trying
to flex my gall bladder,
but I remembered
it's in Providence.
That's the stupidest
exercise system I ever saw.
Yeah, stupid like a fox.
How do you keep so trim, Carla?
Sex.
You mean sex is
the greatest exercise?
Nah. I miss it so
much, I can't eat.
"We ran together.
"Spring set the pace through
the wild Heather's bloom.
"We stopped,
"transfixed by
a mayfly's flight.
"Is love not such,
but easier to capture?
"A bug, you said,
"crushing it.
I smiled, but just a little."
Well, what did you think?
Well, it's, uh... Ahem...
It could use a
little bit of, um...
What shall I say?
It needs a little...
Ambiguity, tension, and paradox?
Exactly.
I think I've solved
that with ephemera ii.
Ahem.
"The sky was
gossamer... Diane...
Filling the world with..."
Diane, somebody wants
you at another table.
Who?
Everybody at this one.
Oh, Sam...
Come on, scoot. Go on.
I'm sorry about
that, Mr. Cavett.
She gets a little
overexcited sometimes.
Ah, that's all right.
Happens all the time.
I'm Sam Malone, I'm
the owner of the bar here.
You want anything,
just call me, all right?
Hey, wait.
Sam Malone. Yeah.
You played baseball?
Yeah, that's right.
You remember me?
Sure. I saw you pitch
once in yankee stadium.
Is that right? Did I
have a good night?
I hope so. You had a lousy day.
As I remember
you hit three batters
and gave up back-to-back homers.
You remember that game?
I had a drinking problem
back in those days.
There are a few
things I don't remember
like, uh... Oh, 1974, 1975.
'75... the year you
won the pennant.
We did? Hey! How about that?
Is that right?
Well, you certainly
seem fine now.
Yeah, well, I finally kicked it.
Listen, if you want anything,
you just give a holler.
O.k., Sam.
Say, uh, Sam, I want to
thank you for everything.
You bet.
A pleasure meeting you.
Say, um...
Has it ever occurred to you
that there might be some
public interest in your life story?
Oh, you mean because
of my baseball career
and my battle against alcohol
and the irony of
owning a bar now?
Right.
Never crossed my mind.
How about this? Type out
50 pages, submit it to me,
and I'll show it to a publisher.
They're always
looking for a good story.
Hey, that's great.
Why are you doing this for me?
Well, I like to encourage
young writers, you know,
especially one who has the
potential of being inferior to me.
Hey, thank you very
much, Mr. Cavett.
Hey, guys, hear that?
Mr. Cavett's gonna help me
get my life story published.
Way to go.
Diane, did you...
The man was just starting to
fall under the thrall of my poetry
when you distracted him
with your own miserable life.
Come on, sweetheart, it
wasn't anything like that.
I mean, it was his idea.
Well, it's still ridiculous.
Sam, the written word
is very special to me.
To you, it's nothing more
than a means of
finding the men's room.
Whoa, whoa.
Come on. Listen.
I wrote pretty
good in high school.
You didn't write pretty good.
You wrote pretty well.
Gee, I wish she'd
make up her mind.
Whoa, wait a second here.
Listen, I got an idea.
You're a pretty
goo... Well writer.
Why don't we, uh...
Listen, why don't you
help me write this thing?
Please?
You're just feeling
sorry for me.
No, I'm not. Listen, I'm not.
Come here. Come here.
Look, uh, I threw away my
chance to be a famous guy once.
Maybe you could, uh,
help me this time. Please?
Well, it would be
good experience.
However, I would insist
on an "as told to" credit.
O.k. Hey, listen, I think
this is gonna be great.
You and I make such a
wonderful team in every other way.
Oh, come on, Sam, do you want to
fool around or do you want to write?
Well, I thought I could do one
and you could do the other.
Let's get started.
All right.
Moonglow?
Moonglow Peterson, is that you?
It's me, Wally bodell!
Wally bodell? From
Dean acheson high?
One and the same.
Well, I'll be.
I haven't seen you
since high school.
You put on a few pounds, pal.
You lost a few.
Yeah. You know, I work
out a little bit, you know?
It's good seeing you, moonglow.
Good to see you. Moonglow, huh?
Yeah, we wrestled
together in high school.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, and at the
state tournament,
his opponent accidentally
yanked off norm's trunks.
Don't laugh.
That's how I first
caught Vera's eye.
Let me get you a beer.
Oh, I got some.
Oh, good, good.
Old Vera. Boy.
You know, norm and I competed
for Vera all through high school.
Yeah, whatever happened
to her, huh, norm?
I married her.
Married the hell out of her.
Actually, Wally, Vera and I
are kind of separated right now.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, that's too bad.
Hey, you wouldn't mind
if I just sort of dropped by
and said hello to
her, would you?
Mind? Hell, no.
She's nothing to me now.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, that's right.
He's going out with a girl
that's a lot better than
that old Vera, that old hag.
And you can tell her, too.
You're damn right.
What's her name?
It's, uh...
Tanya.
Right, right. Tanya.
Yeah, Tanya cocoabutter.
Hey, you sure you don't
mind if I drop by on Vera?
Sure.
All right. I got to go.
Nice meeting you,
cliff. Hey, Wally.
Yeah, take care, Wally.
All right.
Hey, don't mention it, norm.
Say, norm, when are you
gonna bring Tanya by here?
Hey, normie, normie,
what's the long face for?
What's the matter?
You guys don't
know Wally like I do.
He moves fast.
Wonder if Vera will let me
kiss the bride at their wedding.
I'm sure she will, normie.
She didn't at ours.
Of course, you know,
I didn't try that hard.
Boy, I feel terrific.
Been exercising, coach?
Yeah. I just came back from
doing some laps in the pool.
How many you up to?
Huh? Three. It
takes about an hour.
Coach, that's kind
of slow, isn't it?
I could run a hell of a lot faster
if they got the water out of there.
Well, you know what
they say, coach...
Healthy body, healthy mind...
Pick one you got a good shot at.
I never felt better.
I feel 20 years old again.
Good for you, coach.
Carla, listen, I betcha I
could do handstand pushups
right now, and I haven't
done any in years.
I'm going to try it.
Coach, you be careful there.
You might hurt something.
I got to try it, cliffo!
Oh!
Wow!
Now let me try it one-handed!
I still got the old touch!
Coach, what the
hell are you doing?
Handstand pushups, like I
used to do in spring training.
Coach, you never did handstand
pushups in spring training.
That was Johnny Driscoll.
Oh, yeah, Johnny Driscoll.
[Glass clatters]
Are you o.K.?
Yeah, Carla, I'm o.K.,
thanks to Sam.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I got a kick out of it.
Yeah.
Don't worry about it.
I'll be here.
Yeah.
Who was that on the phone?
Wally bodell. I guess he
didn't like my little prank.
[Cliff] Whoa, what'd you do?
I told the cops he
was holding dope.
You'd think the guy had never
been strip-searched before.
What a sorehead.
Normie, how could you
do a thing like that, huh?
Guy was getting on my nerves.
He's really putting
the moves on Vera.
Every time I drive by the house,
his damn car's in the driveway.
Oh, so, he's coming
down here now?
Yeah, we're going to
talk things over a little bit.
Good idea, norm.
You have a little talk,
you punctuate it
with a fist in his face.
Whoa. Oh. Hey, she might
have a point there, normie.
I mean, you've sort
of hit bottom now,
so it's time to make
repairs, fix the old engine,
and get back out
on that highway.
Don't tell me you wrecked
your car, too, norm.
Coach, it's a metaphor.
Those are the
hardest to get parts for.
Ooh! Oh! Hey, Diane, he's here.
Uh, Mr. Cavett.
Richard.
Oh, yeah. Hi.
Thanks for coming
on down. This is great.
Say, I'm a little
late for a meeting,
so I can't stay very long, Sam,
but I thought you'd be
anxious to hear the verdict.
Guilty. Ha ha!
I'm sorry.
We're both a little bit nervous.
What did you think?
Well, I, uh, I thought the
writing was competent,
a little undisciplined
in places,
but, still, it has a
certain energy to it.
Oh!
Thank you.
I take it you're
Sam's co-author...
Miss, uh, Jessica
Simpson-bourget.
Diane chambers.
I was only hiding
behind that nom de plume
until I made sure
that you liked it.
I did just find
that out, didn't I?
How can I put this,
Jessica? It, uh...
You don't like it?
Well, I liked it.
It, uh, shows a
great deal of promise.
But you're not going to
give it to your publisher.
Well, I'm afraid not.
How come?
Well, I sounded
him out about it,
but he feels it's a little tame,
not controversial enough.
Well, what about
the booze problem?
Well, I guess booze
isn't enough these days.
Maybe 10 years ago.
But nowadays, they're looking
for something a little more spicy...
Drugs, homosexuality,
a little perversion.
Well, I'm sorry I
didn't get out more.
You know what, though,
there is an inference here
that you were a bit of a
playboy during your career.
Playboy? Hell, yes. I...
Well, kind of.
Well, as I say, you seemed to
kind of shy away from that in here,
and, well, the cold
fact is sex sells.
Now, of course, my publisher
wouldn't be interested in it,
but there are plenty who would,
and it might be
worth the chance.
Anyway, I'll say
good-bye. I got to run along.
O.k.
Well, thank you anyway for
coming down here, Mr. Cavett.
Oh, sure. Sure.
Ta-ta, Richard.
Well, uh, hey.
What do you say we
get started here, huh?
Started on what?
Well, on what Mr. Cavett
was talking about here,
spicing this thing up a little.
Sam.
I'm not going to have my
first published manuscript
be a memoir full of luridities.
No, sweetheart. I think what
he was talking about was...
I know what he
was talking about.
Hey. Hey, come on, Diane.
If we get published,
this could mean a
whole new life for me.
For you, too. Huh?
Well...
No, no. I would never
prostitute my talents that way.
Well, would Jessica
Simpson-bourget?
That little smut peddler?
In a minute.
I got some paper in the office.
O.k.
If they want steam,
I'll give them steam.
We'll use every weapon
in my literary arsenal
to make their tongues
hang out in unbridled desire.
Coach, we don't
want to be bothered.
Who does?
Norm.
He's here.
Here comes black Bart.
This town ain't big
enough for both of you.
Of course, what town is?
You wanted to see me, moonglow?
Go get him, norm.
Yeah, I wanted to... Just talk.
Talk's cheap. Throw some hands.
He wants you to
leave his woman alone.
So you don't like
me seeing Vera, huh?
No! No!
I'm not, uh, real
wild about it, frankly.
There's something you
ought to know, norm.
I like Vera a lot.
Yeah? How did you
like the state trooper
with the icy hands?
It had its moments.
You know, you're as big a dink
as you were in high
school, Peterson.
Remodel his face.
Positions.
Oh, you're in trouble, bodell.
Hey. Wait.
Come on, you guys.
Get him! Get him!
Take this outside, will ya?
Back off, coach. I'm
fighting for my woman.
Yeah. Winner gets Vera.
Get him, norm!
It's, uh, not exactly
Frazier-Ali, is it?
Give?
Naw. You?
No.
Coach, a glass of water, please.
Boy, can I write.
[Grunting]
1, 2, 3.
It's over.
I did it.
Way to go, normie.
Now, take what's left
of your self-respect
and clear out of here.
All right, moonglow. All right,
you beat me, just like
you used to in high school.
We're still friends?
Hey, don't let a 7 1/2-hour hug
give you the wrong idea.
Congratulations,
norm. You won Vera.
Who?
Oh, yeah, that's who
we were fighting for.
I'll have to tell her
about it when I see her.
Norm, go to that
phone and call Vera.
Yeah.
Guess I should.
I'd rather have a trophy, but...
Boy, does she write good.
a live studio audience.
Morning, norm.
Morning, Sam.
Coffee's on.
Great. Any calls?
Mm-mmm.
Mmm. Vera called this morning.
Oh, yeah? You guys
going to patch it up?
No. She just wanted to
reach out and nag someone.
Come on, admit it,
norm. You miss her.
Yeah, yeah, I do miss her.
As a matter of fact, Sam, there's
only one thing that keeps me
from taking her back right now.
She kicked you out on your butt.
Right.
Sammy, I appreciate you
letting me crash here for a while.
Don't mention it.
When I get back on my feet, I insist on
paying you some kind of rent, all right?
Hey, come on, norm,
it's not necessary.
Come on, I have my
pride to consider, please.
All right. You can
pay me $1.00 a month.
For what?
All right. How about 50 cents?
Fine, but no cleaning deposit.
We're low on cream, Sam.
I'll get right on it.
No rush, no rush.
♪ Making the way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Coach, do you know who that is?
Who, the guy with dick cavett?
Coach, that's dick cavett.
Yeah, it is him.
Yeah, lecturer, talk-show host,
raconteur, short guy.
Kind of cute for a brainiac.
[Sam] I used to
watch him on pbs.
You watch pbs?
Well, sure.
There's that one show I
used to love in particular.
Which one?
The one with all the girls
answering the phones.
I wonder what dick
cavett's doing in Boston.
I don't like the
look on her face.
I haven't seen one I do like.
Look at this. What a shame.
Scooter mcgrath
died. Heart attack.
Oh. Who was he, coach?
An old teammate of mine, Carla.
Nice guy.
Oh, coach, I'm
sorry to hear that.
Yeah, you know, scooter
had a lot of bad habits.
He probably got
himself out of shape.
There you go. Just
goes to show you.
Everybody needs a
little bit of exercise.
Yeah, I could sure
use something.
What do you recommend?
You could do what I do.
It's prehensile
isotonic geometrics.
Huh?
Prehensile isotonic geometrics.
What is it?
It's muscle tension under
constant contraction.
The beauty of it is you
can do it anytime, anywhere,
but you don't perspire.
You want to give it
a shot here, coach?
Yeah, sure.
Ok, so choose a
muscle, when I say go,
flex it for 60
seconds, all right?
Right. 1, 2, 3, go.
Uh-oh. I saw this
on twilight zone once.
Excuse me. I
couldn't help noticing.
You're dick cavett.
Ah, well, I couldn't
help being dick cavett.
Ah, wit. My ears hunger for it.
Being an aspiring poetess,
I, of course, enjoyed
your interviews
with all those wonderful
writers and poets.
I'll never forget the night
that that Russian poet
decided to defect on your stage.
Yeah, that was a great moment.
Upset the cleaning
crew a little.
Oh, you goose!
So, what brings
you to our hostelry?
Well, if you must know,
and I gather you must,
I'm doing a book-signing
party over at the Plaza.
Yes, yes, your new
book. It's wonderful.
Have you read it?
No. I can only imagine.
You must have a lot of
close and dear friends
who are in the publishing world.
A few.
Wouldn't it be a
great thrill for you
to run across a
budding poetic genius?
Only if I were wearing cleats.
You don't know how I
welcome your sense of humor
in this desert of banality.
I wouldn't call
this a desert. No?
No, a desert would be an
easier place to get a drink.
Oh, yes.
What can I get for you?
Time's up, coach.
So, did it work, coach?
No. Cliff, I was trying
to flex my gall bladder,
but I remembered
it's in Providence.
That's the stupidest
exercise system I ever saw.
Yeah, stupid like a fox.
How do you keep so trim, Carla?
Sex.
You mean sex is
the greatest exercise?
Nah. I miss it so
much, I can't eat.
"We ran together.
"Spring set the pace through
the wild Heather's bloom.
"We stopped,
"transfixed by
a mayfly's flight.
"Is love not such,
but easier to capture?
"A bug, you said,
"crushing it.
I smiled, but just a little."
Well, what did you think?
Well, it's, uh... Ahem...
It could use a
little bit of, um...
What shall I say?
It needs a little...
Ambiguity, tension, and paradox?
Exactly.
I think I've solved
that with ephemera ii.
Ahem.
"The sky was
gossamer... Diane...
Filling the world with..."
Diane, somebody wants
you at another table.
Who?
Everybody at this one.
Oh, Sam...
Come on, scoot. Go on.
I'm sorry about
that, Mr. Cavett.
She gets a little
overexcited sometimes.
Ah, that's all right.
Happens all the time.
I'm Sam Malone, I'm
the owner of the bar here.
You want anything,
just call me, all right?
Hey, wait.
Sam Malone. Yeah.
You played baseball?
Yeah, that's right.
You remember me?
Sure. I saw you pitch
once in yankee stadium.
Is that right? Did I
have a good night?
I hope so. You had a lousy day.
As I remember
you hit three batters
and gave up back-to-back homers.
You remember that game?
I had a drinking problem
back in those days.
There are a few
things I don't remember
like, uh... Oh, 1974, 1975.
'75... the year you
won the pennant.
We did? Hey! How about that?
Is that right?
Well, you certainly
seem fine now.
Yeah, well, I finally kicked it.
Listen, if you want anything,
you just give a holler.
O.k., Sam.
Say, uh, Sam, I want to
thank you for everything.
You bet.
A pleasure meeting you.
Say, um...
Has it ever occurred to you
that there might be some
public interest in your life story?
Oh, you mean because
of my baseball career
and my battle against alcohol
and the irony of
owning a bar now?
Right.
Never crossed my mind.
How about this? Type out
50 pages, submit it to me,
and I'll show it to a publisher.
They're always
looking for a good story.
Hey, that's great.
Why are you doing this for me?
Well, I like to encourage
young writers, you know,
especially one who has the
potential of being inferior to me.
Hey, thank you very
much, Mr. Cavett.
Hey, guys, hear that?
Mr. Cavett's gonna help me
get my life story published.
Way to go.
Diane, did you...
The man was just starting to
fall under the thrall of my poetry
when you distracted him
with your own miserable life.
Come on, sweetheart, it
wasn't anything like that.
I mean, it was his idea.
Well, it's still ridiculous.
Sam, the written word
is very special to me.
To you, it's nothing more
than a means of
finding the men's room.
Whoa, whoa.
Come on. Listen.
I wrote pretty
good in high school.
You didn't write pretty good.
You wrote pretty well.
Gee, I wish she'd
make up her mind.
Whoa, wait a second here.
Listen, I got an idea.
You're a pretty
goo... Well writer.
Why don't we, uh...
Listen, why don't you
help me write this thing?
Please?
You're just feeling
sorry for me.
No, I'm not. Listen, I'm not.
Come here. Come here.
Look, uh, I threw away my
chance to be a famous guy once.
Maybe you could, uh,
help me this time. Please?
Well, it would be
good experience.
However, I would insist
on an "as told to" credit.
O.k. Hey, listen, I think
this is gonna be great.
You and I make such a
wonderful team in every other way.
Oh, come on, Sam, do you want to
fool around or do you want to write?
Well, I thought I could do one
and you could do the other.
Let's get started.
All right.
Moonglow?
Moonglow Peterson, is that you?
It's me, Wally bodell!
Wally bodell? From
Dean acheson high?
One and the same.
Well, I'll be.
I haven't seen you
since high school.
You put on a few pounds, pal.
You lost a few.
Yeah. You know, I work
out a little bit, you know?
It's good seeing you, moonglow.
Good to see you. Moonglow, huh?
Yeah, we wrestled
together in high school.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, and at the
state tournament,
his opponent accidentally
yanked off norm's trunks.
Don't laugh.
That's how I first
caught Vera's eye.
Let me get you a beer.
Oh, I got some.
Oh, good, good.
Old Vera. Boy.
You know, norm and I competed
for Vera all through high school.
Yeah, whatever happened
to her, huh, norm?
I married her.
Married the hell out of her.
Actually, Wally, Vera and I
are kind of separated right now.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, that's too bad.
Hey, you wouldn't mind
if I just sort of dropped by
and said hello to
her, would you?
Mind? Hell, no.
She's nothing to me now.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, that's right.
He's going out with a girl
that's a lot better than
that old Vera, that old hag.
And you can tell her, too.
You're damn right.
What's her name?
It's, uh...
Tanya.
Right, right. Tanya.
Yeah, Tanya cocoabutter.
Hey, you sure you don't
mind if I drop by on Vera?
Sure.
All right. I got to go.
Nice meeting you,
cliff. Hey, Wally.
Yeah, take care, Wally.
All right.
Hey, don't mention it, norm.
Say, norm, when are you
gonna bring Tanya by here?
Hey, normie, normie,
what's the long face for?
What's the matter?
You guys don't
know Wally like I do.
He moves fast.
Wonder if Vera will let me
kiss the bride at their wedding.
I'm sure she will, normie.
She didn't at ours.
Of course, you know,
I didn't try that hard.
Boy, I feel terrific.
Been exercising, coach?
Yeah. I just came back from
doing some laps in the pool.
How many you up to?
Huh? Three. It
takes about an hour.
Coach, that's kind
of slow, isn't it?
I could run a hell of a lot faster
if they got the water out of there.
Well, you know what
they say, coach...
Healthy body, healthy mind...
Pick one you got a good shot at.
I never felt better.
I feel 20 years old again.
Good for you, coach.
Carla, listen, I betcha I
could do handstand pushups
right now, and I haven't
done any in years.
I'm going to try it.
Coach, you be careful there.
You might hurt something.
I got to try it, cliffo!
Oh!
Wow!
Now let me try it one-handed!
I still got the old touch!
Coach, what the
hell are you doing?
Handstand pushups, like I
used to do in spring training.
Coach, you never did handstand
pushups in spring training.
That was Johnny Driscoll.
Oh, yeah, Johnny Driscoll.
[Glass clatters]
Are you o.K.?
Yeah, Carla, I'm o.K.,
thanks to Sam.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I got a kick out of it.
Yeah.
Don't worry about it.
I'll be here.
Yeah.
Who was that on the phone?
Wally bodell. I guess he
didn't like my little prank.
[Cliff] Whoa, what'd you do?
I told the cops he
was holding dope.
You'd think the guy had never
been strip-searched before.
What a sorehead.
Normie, how could you
do a thing like that, huh?
Guy was getting on my nerves.
He's really putting
the moves on Vera.
Every time I drive by the house,
his damn car's in the driveway.
Oh, so, he's coming
down here now?
Yeah, we're going to
talk things over a little bit.
Good idea, norm.
You have a little talk,
you punctuate it
with a fist in his face.
Whoa. Oh. Hey, she might
have a point there, normie.
I mean, you've sort
of hit bottom now,
so it's time to make
repairs, fix the old engine,
and get back out
on that highway.
Don't tell me you wrecked
your car, too, norm.
Coach, it's a metaphor.
Those are the
hardest to get parts for.
Ooh! Oh! Hey, Diane, he's here.
Uh, Mr. Cavett.
Richard.
Oh, yeah. Hi.
Thanks for coming
on down. This is great.
Say, I'm a little
late for a meeting,
so I can't stay very long, Sam,
but I thought you'd be
anxious to hear the verdict.
Guilty. Ha ha!
I'm sorry.
We're both a little bit nervous.
What did you think?
Well, I, uh, I thought the
writing was competent,
a little undisciplined
in places,
but, still, it has a
certain energy to it.
Oh!
Thank you.
I take it you're
Sam's co-author...
Miss, uh, Jessica
Simpson-bourget.
Diane chambers.
I was only hiding
behind that nom de plume
until I made sure
that you liked it.
I did just find
that out, didn't I?
How can I put this,
Jessica? It, uh...
You don't like it?
Well, I liked it.
It, uh, shows a
great deal of promise.
But you're not going to
give it to your publisher.
Well, I'm afraid not.
How come?
Well, I sounded
him out about it,
but he feels it's a little tame,
not controversial enough.
Well, what about
the booze problem?
Well, I guess booze
isn't enough these days.
Maybe 10 years ago.
But nowadays, they're looking
for something a little more spicy...
Drugs, homosexuality,
a little perversion.
Well, I'm sorry I
didn't get out more.
You know what, though,
there is an inference here
that you were a bit of a
playboy during your career.
Playboy? Hell, yes. I...
Well, kind of.
Well, as I say, you seemed to
kind of shy away from that in here,
and, well, the cold
fact is sex sells.
Now, of course, my publisher
wouldn't be interested in it,
but there are plenty who would,
and it might be
worth the chance.
Anyway, I'll say
good-bye. I got to run along.
O.k.
Well, thank you anyway for
coming down here, Mr. Cavett.
Oh, sure. Sure.
Ta-ta, Richard.
Well, uh, hey.
What do you say we
get started here, huh?
Started on what?
Well, on what Mr. Cavett
was talking about here,
spicing this thing up a little.
Sam.
I'm not going to have my
first published manuscript
be a memoir full of luridities.
No, sweetheart. I think what
he was talking about was...
I know what he
was talking about.
Hey. Hey, come on, Diane.
If we get published,
this could mean a
whole new life for me.
For you, too. Huh?
Well...
No, no. I would never
prostitute my talents that way.
Well, would Jessica
Simpson-bourget?
That little smut peddler?
In a minute.
I got some paper in the office.
O.k.
If they want steam,
I'll give them steam.
We'll use every weapon
in my literary arsenal
to make their tongues
hang out in unbridled desire.
Coach, we don't
want to be bothered.
Who does?
Norm.
He's here.
Here comes black Bart.
This town ain't big
enough for both of you.
Of course, what town is?
You wanted to see me, moonglow?
Go get him, norm.
Yeah, I wanted to... Just talk.
Talk's cheap. Throw some hands.
He wants you to
leave his woman alone.
So you don't like
me seeing Vera, huh?
No! No!
I'm not, uh, real
wild about it, frankly.
There's something you
ought to know, norm.
I like Vera a lot.
Yeah? How did you
like the state trooper
with the icy hands?
It had its moments.
You know, you're as big a dink
as you were in high
school, Peterson.
Remodel his face.
Positions.
Oh, you're in trouble, bodell.
Hey. Wait.
Come on, you guys.
Get him! Get him!
Take this outside, will ya?
Back off, coach. I'm
fighting for my woman.
Yeah. Winner gets Vera.
Get him, norm!
It's, uh, not exactly
Frazier-Ali, is it?
Give?
Naw. You?
No.
Coach, a glass of water, please.
Boy, can I write.
[Grunting]
1, 2, 3.
It's over.
I did it.
Way to go, normie.
Now, take what's left
of your self-respect
and clear out of here.
All right, moonglow. All right,
you beat me, just like
you used to in high school.
We're still friends?
Hey, don't let a 7 1/2-hour hug
give you the wrong idea.
Congratulations,
norm. You won Vera.
Who?
Oh, yeah, that's who
we were fighting for.
I'll have to tell her
about it when I see her.
Norm, go to that
phone and call Vera.
Yeah.
Guess I should.
I'd rather have a trophy, but...
Boy, does she write good.