Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 10 - How Do I Love Thee?... Let Me Call You Back - full transcript
After Sam throws out a careless "I love you," he and Diane decide to take some time off to evaluate their relationship.
"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Ooh, a gift.
Who's it for?
It's for Harry.
Why are you giving
a gift to that con man?
To pay him back for all
the times he's conned us.
Coach found a trick
wallet in a novelty shop.
Yeah, what you do is
you open it up, see, honey,
and flames come up
right up to your face.
Oh, isn't this a little cruel?
No, no. It's harmless, really.
That's why we
didn't give it to you.
He's coming! Here he comes!
Ok, here we go.
Hey, Harry! It's Harry!
Boy, am I glad
to see you, Harry.
You are?
Are you kidding me? You are
a valued customer and a friend.
I was feeling kind of bad
about all the times
I kicked you out,
so I just wanted to show you
there's no bad blood between us.
It's from all of us.
For me?
Well, gosh, guys, I never
expected anything like this.
I mean, no one's ever
given me anything voluntarily.
Should I save it for Christmas?
No. Please, Harry,
open it now. Really.
Come on, it's a hot one.
Aw, it's a wallet!
Well, it's just
a little gesture.
It's beautiful!
Can't wait.
Oh, I'm so touched.
Oh, hey, don't mention it.
Gee. Harry, aren't
you going to open it?
Well, sure.
Harry, back from your face
so we can all see.
Aw!
Gee, it was
funnier in the store.
Must be $50 or $60 here.
You guys are too much!
I'll never forget this.
Thanks a lot! Gosh!
That wallet look
familiar to anybody?
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Give me some beer!
Don't you dare!
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Come on, you guys.
My boyfriend has been dying
to see this hagler fellow.
How is a waitress like me
gonna come up with $200?
Come on!
I don't care what you do, lady.
We can scalp these
tickets at the arena.
Ok, I'll pay.
I'll pay the $200.
Coach, can you give me my
purse, please? Sure, honey.
I still think it's
exorbitant for a prizefight.
Hey, it's Marvin hagler.
It's the prizefight of the year.
Yeah, yeah.
I assume that a check will do.
Yeah. Anything.
Make it out to Phil kepler
medical corporation.
I thought I recognized
that natural compassion, doctor.
He's a lucky man.
By the way, I could
remove that little thing
in my office in
about 30 minutes.
Sammy.
Yes?
Surprise.
Aw, don't tell me.
The exhibit of Norwegian
woodcuts is back in town.
Holy moley!
What is it, Sam?
Look at this!
Holy moley!
Surely it's not
that big a thing.
Are you kidding me? Look.
Holy moley! Holy moley!
But how'd you do it? I mean,
these things are impossible to get.
Well, it wasn't easy.
They originally belonged
to two young men in the bar,
but after I was finished
waiting on them...
They were two old men.
They succumbed to my charms.
Oh. They were two blind men.
Oh, thank you so much!
Later on tonight, you can
redeem that for a real thank you.
You know what I mean? Come on,
let's go, we don't have that much time.
Sam, there's one proviso
with the fight tickets...
That you not take me with you
or tell me about it later.
Ok.
Gee, I wonder who I should take.
All right, you guys,
I've got to change.
You figure this out
amongst yourselves.
Cannot believe I'm
going to the hagler fight!
Oh, Diane...
I love you.
All right, we got one
ticket and four guys.
What are we gonna do?
I got a great idea. I'll think
of a number from 1 to 10.
Who comes the closest
gets to go with Sam.
Fair enough.
Ok? Normie.
Uh, seven.
Carla?
Nine.
Two.
I'll say three.
Wait a minute.
Uh, coach, you
can't say anything.
You know what it is.
I know. It's six.
Why did you say three?
Three's my lucky number.
Now, coach, I
want in on this, too.
Get out of here!
Sam.
Sam.
I don't know about this
new Cologne you bought me.
One or two showers,
and it's all gone.
Sam, I want you to know
that what you just said
out there just now...
Set my heart to pounding.
Boy, one thinks
one knows oneself,
but all those preconceptions
fly out the window
when the man in your
life says, "I love you."
Who said that?
You did.
Oh, hey, honey,
don't worry about that.
That doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't?
No. I've used that
as a line on 100 girls.
You've never said it to me.
Are you kidding? I
wouldn't waste a line on you.
Now, what I mean by that is...
You're not the kind of
girl that you use a line on.
You're the kind of girl
that falls for sincerity.
I don't mean that, either.
Come on, honey, it's just
something I say. "I love you."
I say it to coach all the time,
I say it to anybody who gets
me tickets to the hagler fight.
I just say it, that's all.
Sam, get back in here.
I think I know
what you're saying.
When I and everyone
else in the world
say, "I love you,"
we are opening up
the very core of our being.
When you say it,
you're just
clearing your throat.
Well put.
Sam!
I'm getting confused here.
You just gave me tickets to a
fight you know I want to see,
and now you won't
let me go see it.
What is this, some kind
of test or something?
What does our
relationship mean to you?
It means a lot.
Go on.
Oh, thank you.
Sam, stop!
I have spent three months
writing in my journal,
filling page after page
with thoughts concerning us.
I have consumed entire weekends
trying to discover
exactly what our
relationship means.
And what do I get from you?
"It means a lot."
Can you see why I'm so furious?
Sure, you work on it for months.
I get it just like that.
If you leave, we're through.
Don't! Don't give me
ultimatums. I hate ultimatums.
You give me an ultimatum,
and we're through.
What?
That's better.
So?
So, Sammy, guess who cut
the high card for the extra ticket.
Come on, Harry.
Please, Harry, don't get
us into any trouble tonight.
Come on, I'll be good.
In fact, I'm driving.
What kind of car
do you want to take?
♪ She aches just like a woman ♪
♪ queen Mary ♪
[knock knock]
♪ She's my friend ♪
[knock knock]
Come on, Diane.
I know you're up.
Your candles are on.
What do you want?
I want to come in,
I think.
Insy-Daisy.
Hey, hey, hey.
Wow, you're drunk.
Wow, you're stupid.
I'll be sober in the morning.
What are we drinking here?
Vino.
Listen, Diane, I know
why you're doing this.
It's my fault, and I'm sorry.
Don't flatter yourself.
No, it is. My walking out in the
middle of an argument wasn't exactly...
Boy, you know, when I was a kid,
I used to have nightmares
about places like this.
Think you could... Yeah.
Oh! No bats.
Listen, I came over
here for a reason.
I brought you this.
Come on, come on.
It's a present. Open it.
You bought me a
present at this hour?
What's time?
When your lady's owed a present,
she gets a present.
What is it?
It's a boxing glove purse.
How much did you pay for this?
Hey, price is no object.
Obviously.
Big shot.
Big athlete shot.
Boy, you really are bombed.
I better get you
some coffee here.
I am bombed,
but I have been doing
some very clear
thinking tonight...
About us.
I have decided...
That if it isn't worth
examining what we have,
maybe we don't have anything.
Aw, come on, wait a minute here.
You're not thinking
about ending this, are you?
I'll have you know that
when I was in high school,
I was voted the girl most
likely to marry into old money.
Here, drink this. It will
make you feel better.
Nothing's gonna
make me feel better,
but this will make
me feel better.
Ok. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Now, you're upset
about my not thinking
about our relationship.
Am I right?
Yes, sir.
All right. I will start thinking
about our relationship.
Maybe we should
take some time off,
yeah, you know, not
see each other for a while.
That way I'll just have
one thing on my mind
the whole time.
One more than you usually have.
Come on now, listen,
how long should we take?
I don't know.
A week would be nice.
Oh. Well, all right, all right,
we'll split up for a week.
Then we'll get back together,
and we'll compare thinks. Huh?
Yes, sir. Fine.
Ok.
However, I must warn you.
If you come up with nothing,
and I come up with nothing...
Hey, come on, don't
worry about that.
I'll come up with something.
I promise.
You sure you're
gonna be all right?
Yes, sir.
I'm not going to
waste any time at all.
I'm going to start
thinking right now.
That's my girl.
I thought I was a
disgusting drunk.
Whoa!
Wow!
Whoa!
What a night!
It's not over yet.
Everybody, please step into
Clifford's poker emporium.
If you put a gun to my head,
I couldn't remember
the last time
I was in an all-night
poker game.
Cliff, these cards you
bought at the strip joint...
The sexy ladies are
all wearing bikinis.
You got to rub
it off with a dime.
Let me see, will ya, cliff?
Ahh...
There's something wrong here.
I can't get the
bikini off my girl.
Story of your life.
Boy, I tell you,
that's the first time
I've been in the
combat zone sober.
Just goes to show you
you can still have a
good time without drinking
as long as you're
surrounded by naked broads
shaking their
wallies in your face.
Words to live by, gentlemen.
We did have a
good time, didn't we?
Well, it's all thanks
to our fearless leader
who won the chugging contest,
yelled crude remarks
at the strippers,
and punched out a
couple of bouncers.
Where is our leader anyway?
Here she is right now.
Hey! Carla! Hey!
Hey, norm.
You left these in the car.
Why did the stripper
throw them at you, norm?
Women happen to be
attracted to me, Alan,
like moths to a flame, you know,
like honey bees to a flower.
Like flies to a road apple.
Carla, how do you know so
much about that combat zone?
Oh, my ex always
use to take me there.
He loved the
theater. You know...
We were actually
there for the premiere
of college girls totally nude.
No kidding?
Isn't this terrific?
I mean, the whole week.
Nothing against Diane,
but it feels so good to
get out with the guys again.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you made a big mistake
telling Diane "I love you."
You say that to a girl, they
make a big deal out of it.
You say it to a guy, it
doesn't mean anything at all.
Go ahead, say it
to me, for example.
Norm, I love you.
I was wrong.
Well, time's running
out there, Sammy.
What are you gonna tell
Diane when she wants to hear
the results of
your thinking fest?
Boy, I don't know. I'm
thinking about it a million times,
but I keep coming
up with nothing.
I mean, what's
the big deal here?
I don't need a week.
I mean, what was I known
for when I was playing ball?
Giving up tape
measure home runs?
Chasing anything with a skirt?
Drinking yourself senseless?
Coming through in the clutch.
Oh. Right. Yeah.
Yeah. No, no. I
need the pressure.
The slugger at the plate.
Bases loaded.
Thousands of fans chanting,
"mayday, mayday, mayday."
You'll see, you'll see.
Tomorrow will
come. I'll be there.
Well, it's getting
on there, Sammy.
Tomorrow's today.
It's past midnight.
Oh, come on, you don't think she's
gonna come marching in now. Do you?
I mean, nobody's that crazy.
Evening, everyone.
I'm back.
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
Oh, Sam, I couldn't
wait to see you
after an excruciating week
of deep and torturous
soul searching...
But I wouldn't want to get
in the way of your fun time.
No, no, come on,
you're right. You're right.
It's a party. It's
a victory party.
You see, I got it.
You got what?
Our relationship.
I mean, tonight,
all of a sudden,
it came perfectly clear,
and I decided to
celebrate there.
Oh, Sam, that's wonderful.
Well, tell me.
And I can't wait to
tell you, I can't wait.
But I just need a couple
of minutes to polish it up.
It's pretty good.
It's pretty good.
But I need to just rearrange
the words just a little.
Two minutes?
Of course.
Stall.
Diane.
Yeah. Hi, guys.
You, uh... Go anywhere?
Well, I spent some
time at Cape Cod.
Love it in winter.
I have a theory about
how Cape Cod was formed,
geologically speaking.
Excuse me.
Well?
Mayday, mayday, mayday...
Sam.
Oh! You surprised me.
I forgot what I
was going to say.
Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
I'm just too excited.
You have things to tell me.
I have things to tell you.
Oh, tons.
So?
One of the things
I've discovered
is that I'm a very shy person.
Do you mind going first?
Oh. Well, of course not.
Great insight.
Yeah. Thanks.
All right then...
This is the way I
describe our relationship...
It's more than "like."
Beyond fondness.
Verging on deep affection.
There's a vital
physical component
bordering on passionate.
However...
It has not reached the level
at which we will
abandon our reservations
about a complete commitment.
Well, that's how I see things.
Ditto.
Ditto?
You're telling me I
waited a week for "ditto"?
You took my answer.
No, no. All right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No more stalling.
No more stalling.
I'll just... I'll just
tell you right here.
I couldn't come
up with anything.
I'm sorry. I really
wanted to do this.
I don't understand.
I'm usually so good
under pressure,
but I... I just drew a blank.
Honey...
I have no idea
why we're together.
Oh, Sam.
Oh, oh...
Neither do I.
You don't?
I don't have a clue.
Well, what about
what you just said?
Oh, I read it in a book.
It sounded nice,
but it's not us.
Is it?
I don't know. I
wasn't listening.
Sam!
Oh, please, please,
whatever we do right now,
don't say, "what are we doing?"
What are we doing that I
can't say "what are we doing?"
Oh, oh, here we go, here we go.
I was going to say
that it's totally hopeless,
that I can't make any sense
of our relationship at all.
Why do we have to make
sense of it? I think it's stupid!
Whenever you think too
much about something,
it loses all its sense.
I mean, obviously, the only reason
why I'm with you because I lo...
What, Sam?
I said the reason
why I'm with you
is because I lo...
You lo...?
You know... you
know what I mean.
Well, what's the
matter? Can't you say it?
Of course I can.
I lo... I lo...
Oh, don't you see?
That phrase that you
threw around so casually
is now impossible
for you to say.
And why can't you say it?
Because with me,
it's no longer casual.
I'm important to you.
I matter.
No. This is silly.
I mean, I can say
anything I want to say.
Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers
that Peter Piper picked.
See?
Ok, now say the other thing.
All right, I
lo... I lo... I lo...
Lo...
Hey, everybody.
Sam can't say he loves me.
Lo...
Who can?
a live studio audience.
Ooh, a gift.
Who's it for?
It's for Harry.
Why are you giving
a gift to that con man?
To pay him back for all
the times he's conned us.
Coach found a trick
wallet in a novelty shop.
Yeah, what you do is
you open it up, see, honey,
and flames come up
right up to your face.
Oh, isn't this a little cruel?
No, no. It's harmless, really.
That's why we
didn't give it to you.
He's coming! Here he comes!
Ok, here we go.
Hey, Harry! It's Harry!
Boy, am I glad
to see you, Harry.
You are?
Are you kidding me? You are
a valued customer and a friend.
I was feeling kind of bad
about all the times
I kicked you out,
so I just wanted to show you
there's no bad blood between us.
It's from all of us.
For me?
Well, gosh, guys, I never
expected anything like this.
I mean, no one's ever
given me anything voluntarily.
Should I save it for Christmas?
No. Please, Harry,
open it now. Really.
Come on, it's a hot one.
Aw, it's a wallet!
Well, it's just
a little gesture.
It's beautiful!
Can't wait.
Oh, I'm so touched.
Oh, hey, don't mention it.
Gee. Harry, aren't
you going to open it?
Well, sure.
Harry, back from your face
so we can all see.
Aw!
Gee, it was
funnier in the store.
Must be $50 or $60 here.
You guys are too much!
I'll never forget this.
Thanks a lot! Gosh!
That wallet look
familiar to anybody?
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Give me some beer!
Don't you dare!
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Come on, you guys.
My boyfriend has been dying
to see this hagler fellow.
How is a waitress like me
gonna come up with $200?
Come on!
I don't care what you do, lady.
We can scalp these
tickets at the arena.
Ok, I'll pay.
I'll pay the $200.
Coach, can you give me my
purse, please? Sure, honey.
I still think it's
exorbitant for a prizefight.
Hey, it's Marvin hagler.
It's the prizefight of the year.
Yeah, yeah.
I assume that a check will do.
Yeah. Anything.
Make it out to Phil kepler
medical corporation.
I thought I recognized
that natural compassion, doctor.
He's a lucky man.
By the way, I could
remove that little thing
in my office in
about 30 minutes.
Sammy.
Yes?
Surprise.
Aw, don't tell me.
The exhibit of Norwegian
woodcuts is back in town.
Holy moley!
What is it, Sam?
Look at this!
Holy moley!
Surely it's not
that big a thing.
Are you kidding me? Look.
Holy moley! Holy moley!
But how'd you do it? I mean,
these things are impossible to get.
Well, it wasn't easy.
They originally belonged
to two young men in the bar,
but after I was finished
waiting on them...
They were two old men.
They succumbed to my charms.
Oh. They were two blind men.
Oh, thank you so much!
Later on tonight, you can
redeem that for a real thank you.
You know what I mean? Come on,
let's go, we don't have that much time.
Sam, there's one proviso
with the fight tickets...
That you not take me with you
or tell me about it later.
Ok.
Gee, I wonder who I should take.
All right, you guys,
I've got to change.
You figure this out
amongst yourselves.
Cannot believe I'm
going to the hagler fight!
Oh, Diane...
I love you.
All right, we got one
ticket and four guys.
What are we gonna do?
I got a great idea. I'll think
of a number from 1 to 10.
Who comes the closest
gets to go with Sam.
Fair enough.
Ok? Normie.
Uh, seven.
Carla?
Nine.
Two.
I'll say three.
Wait a minute.
Uh, coach, you
can't say anything.
You know what it is.
I know. It's six.
Why did you say three?
Three's my lucky number.
Now, coach, I
want in on this, too.
Get out of here!
Sam.
Sam.
I don't know about this
new Cologne you bought me.
One or two showers,
and it's all gone.
Sam, I want you to know
that what you just said
out there just now...
Set my heart to pounding.
Boy, one thinks
one knows oneself,
but all those preconceptions
fly out the window
when the man in your
life says, "I love you."
Who said that?
You did.
Oh, hey, honey,
don't worry about that.
That doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't?
No. I've used that
as a line on 100 girls.
You've never said it to me.
Are you kidding? I
wouldn't waste a line on you.
Now, what I mean by that is...
You're not the kind of
girl that you use a line on.
You're the kind of girl
that falls for sincerity.
I don't mean that, either.
Come on, honey, it's just
something I say. "I love you."
I say it to coach all the time,
I say it to anybody who gets
me tickets to the hagler fight.
I just say it, that's all.
Sam, get back in here.
I think I know
what you're saying.
When I and everyone
else in the world
say, "I love you,"
we are opening up
the very core of our being.
When you say it,
you're just
clearing your throat.
Well put.
Sam!
I'm getting confused here.
You just gave me tickets to a
fight you know I want to see,
and now you won't
let me go see it.
What is this, some kind
of test or something?
What does our
relationship mean to you?
It means a lot.
Go on.
Oh, thank you.
Sam, stop!
I have spent three months
writing in my journal,
filling page after page
with thoughts concerning us.
I have consumed entire weekends
trying to discover
exactly what our
relationship means.
And what do I get from you?
"It means a lot."
Can you see why I'm so furious?
Sure, you work on it for months.
I get it just like that.
If you leave, we're through.
Don't! Don't give me
ultimatums. I hate ultimatums.
You give me an ultimatum,
and we're through.
What?
That's better.
So?
So, Sammy, guess who cut
the high card for the extra ticket.
Come on, Harry.
Please, Harry, don't get
us into any trouble tonight.
Come on, I'll be good.
In fact, I'm driving.
What kind of car
do you want to take?
♪ She aches just like a woman ♪
♪ queen Mary ♪
[knock knock]
♪ She's my friend ♪
[knock knock]
Come on, Diane.
I know you're up.
Your candles are on.
What do you want?
I want to come in,
I think.
Insy-Daisy.
Hey, hey, hey.
Wow, you're drunk.
Wow, you're stupid.
I'll be sober in the morning.
What are we drinking here?
Vino.
Listen, Diane, I know
why you're doing this.
It's my fault, and I'm sorry.
Don't flatter yourself.
No, it is. My walking out in the
middle of an argument wasn't exactly...
Boy, you know, when I was a kid,
I used to have nightmares
about places like this.
Think you could... Yeah.
Oh! No bats.
Listen, I came over
here for a reason.
I brought you this.
Come on, come on.
It's a present. Open it.
You bought me a
present at this hour?
What's time?
When your lady's owed a present,
she gets a present.
What is it?
It's a boxing glove purse.
How much did you pay for this?
Hey, price is no object.
Obviously.
Big shot.
Big athlete shot.
Boy, you really are bombed.
I better get you
some coffee here.
I am bombed,
but I have been doing
some very clear
thinking tonight...
About us.
I have decided...
That if it isn't worth
examining what we have,
maybe we don't have anything.
Aw, come on, wait a minute here.
You're not thinking
about ending this, are you?
I'll have you know that
when I was in high school,
I was voted the girl most
likely to marry into old money.
Here, drink this. It will
make you feel better.
Nothing's gonna
make me feel better,
but this will make
me feel better.
Ok. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Now, you're upset
about my not thinking
about our relationship.
Am I right?
Yes, sir.
All right. I will start thinking
about our relationship.
Maybe we should
take some time off,
yeah, you know, not
see each other for a while.
That way I'll just have
one thing on my mind
the whole time.
One more than you usually have.
Come on now, listen,
how long should we take?
I don't know.
A week would be nice.
Oh. Well, all right, all right,
we'll split up for a week.
Then we'll get back together,
and we'll compare thinks. Huh?
Yes, sir. Fine.
Ok.
However, I must warn you.
If you come up with nothing,
and I come up with nothing...
Hey, come on, don't
worry about that.
I'll come up with something.
I promise.
You sure you're
gonna be all right?
Yes, sir.
I'm not going to
waste any time at all.
I'm going to start
thinking right now.
That's my girl.
I thought I was a
disgusting drunk.
Whoa!
Wow!
Whoa!
What a night!
It's not over yet.
Everybody, please step into
Clifford's poker emporium.
If you put a gun to my head,
I couldn't remember
the last time
I was in an all-night
poker game.
Cliff, these cards you
bought at the strip joint...
The sexy ladies are
all wearing bikinis.
You got to rub
it off with a dime.
Let me see, will ya, cliff?
Ahh...
There's something wrong here.
I can't get the
bikini off my girl.
Story of your life.
Boy, I tell you,
that's the first time
I've been in the
combat zone sober.
Just goes to show you
you can still have a
good time without drinking
as long as you're
surrounded by naked broads
shaking their
wallies in your face.
Words to live by, gentlemen.
We did have a
good time, didn't we?
Well, it's all thanks
to our fearless leader
who won the chugging contest,
yelled crude remarks
at the strippers,
and punched out a
couple of bouncers.
Where is our leader anyway?
Here she is right now.
Hey! Carla! Hey!
Hey, norm.
You left these in the car.
Why did the stripper
throw them at you, norm?
Women happen to be
attracted to me, Alan,
like moths to a flame, you know,
like honey bees to a flower.
Like flies to a road apple.
Carla, how do you know so
much about that combat zone?
Oh, my ex always
use to take me there.
He loved the
theater. You know...
We were actually
there for the premiere
of college girls totally nude.
No kidding?
Isn't this terrific?
I mean, the whole week.
Nothing against Diane,
but it feels so good to
get out with the guys again.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you made a big mistake
telling Diane "I love you."
You say that to a girl, they
make a big deal out of it.
You say it to a guy, it
doesn't mean anything at all.
Go ahead, say it
to me, for example.
Norm, I love you.
I was wrong.
Well, time's running
out there, Sammy.
What are you gonna tell
Diane when she wants to hear
the results of
your thinking fest?
Boy, I don't know. I'm
thinking about it a million times,
but I keep coming
up with nothing.
I mean, what's
the big deal here?
I don't need a week.
I mean, what was I known
for when I was playing ball?
Giving up tape
measure home runs?
Chasing anything with a skirt?
Drinking yourself senseless?
Coming through in the clutch.
Oh. Right. Yeah.
Yeah. No, no. I
need the pressure.
The slugger at the plate.
Bases loaded.
Thousands of fans chanting,
"mayday, mayday, mayday."
You'll see, you'll see.
Tomorrow will
come. I'll be there.
Well, it's getting
on there, Sammy.
Tomorrow's today.
It's past midnight.
Oh, come on, you don't think she's
gonna come marching in now. Do you?
I mean, nobody's that crazy.
Evening, everyone.
I'm back.
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
Oh, Sam, I couldn't
wait to see you
after an excruciating week
of deep and torturous
soul searching...
But I wouldn't want to get
in the way of your fun time.
No, no, come on,
you're right. You're right.
It's a party. It's
a victory party.
You see, I got it.
You got what?
Our relationship.
I mean, tonight,
all of a sudden,
it came perfectly clear,
and I decided to
celebrate there.
Oh, Sam, that's wonderful.
Well, tell me.
And I can't wait to
tell you, I can't wait.
But I just need a couple
of minutes to polish it up.
It's pretty good.
It's pretty good.
But I need to just rearrange
the words just a little.
Two minutes?
Of course.
Stall.
Diane.
Yeah. Hi, guys.
You, uh... Go anywhere?
Well, I spent some
time at Cape Cod.
Love it in winter.
I have a theory about
how Cape Cod was formed,
geologically speaking.
Excuse me.
Well?
Mayday, mayday, mayday...
Sam.
Oh! You surprised me.
I forgot what I
was going to say.
Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
I'm just too excited.
You have things to tell me.
I have things to tell you.
Oh, tons.
So?
One of the things
I've discovered
is that I'm a very shy person.
Do you mind going first?
Oh. Well, of course not.
Great insight.
Yeah. Thanks.
All right then...
This is the way I
describe our relationship...
It's more than "like."
Beyond fondness.
Verging on deep affection.
There's a vital
physical component
bordering on passionate.
However...
It has not reached the level
at which we will
abandon our reservations
about a complete commitment.
Well, that's how I see things.
Ditto.
Ditto?
You're telling me I
waited a week for "ditto"?
You took my answer.
No, no. All right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No more stalling.
No more stalling.
I'll just... I'll just
tell you right here.
I couldn't come
up with anything.
I'm sorry. I really
wanted to do this.
I don't understand.
I'm usually so good
under pressure,
but I... I just drew a blank.
Honey...
I have no idea
why we're together.
Oh, Sam.
Oh, oh...
Neither do I.
You don't?
I don't have a clue.
Well, what about
what you just said?
Oh, I read it in a book.
It sounded nice,
but it's not us.
Is it?
I don't know. I
wasn't listening.
Sam!
Oh, please, please,
whatever we do right now,
don't say, "what are we doing?"
What are we doing that I
can't say "what are we doing?"
Oh, oh, here we go, here we go.
I was going to say
that it's totally hopeless,
that I can't make any sense
of our relationship at all.
Why do we have to make
sense of it? I think it's stupid!
Whenever you think too
much about something,
it loses all its sense.
I mean, obviously, the only reason
why I'm with you because I lo...
What, Sam?
I said the reason
why I'm with you
is because I lo...
You lo...?
You know... you
know what I mean.
Well, what's the
matter? Can't you say it?
Of course I can.
I lo... I lo...
Oh, don't you see?
That phrase that you
threw around so casually
is now impossible
for you to say.
And why can't you say it?
Because with me,
it's no longer casual.
I'm important to you.
I matter.
No. This is silly.
I mean, I can say
anything I want to say.
Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers
that Peter Piper picked.
See?
Ok, now say the other thing.
All right, I
lo... I lo... I lo...
Lo...
Hey, everybody.
Sam can't say he loves me.
Lo...
Who can?