Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 8 - Manager Coach - full transcript

[Telephone rings]

Coach: Cheers.

Carla, it's your little girl.

What?

The baby?

Well, bring her to the phone.

The baby is crying, and
they can't make her stop.

I'll try a lullaby.

God couldn't be everywhere.

That's why he created mothers.

And, uh, postal carriers.



Carla: You got her?

Ok. Now, put her
ear to the phone.

Sweetie. Sweet... sweetie.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Ok. Oh, good girl.

Good girl.

Ok. Now, listen

to mama.

♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ♪

♪ too-ra-loo-ra- ♪

♪ li ♪

♪ too-ra-loo- ♪

♪ ra-loo-ral ♪

♪ hush now, don't you cry ♪



all: ♪ too-ra-loo-ra- ♪

♪ loo-ral ♪

♪ too-ra-loo-ra- ♪

♪ li ♪

♪ too-ra-loo-ra- ♪

♪ loo-ral ♪

♪ that's an Irish ♪

♪ lullaby ♪

[whispering] She's asleep.

Yeah! Yay! Yay!

Thanks, everybody. Thanks a lot.

♪ Making the way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Hey, everybody...

Drinks are on me.

I got my raise!

Hey! Hey!

Congratulations. Good going.

Thank you. Hiya, normie.

Congratulations, cliff.

Thank you.

Ahh, norm.

Normie, normie, normie, normie.

You know...

I know you're a proud guy, norm.

You've been out
of work a long time,

and I feel I've
got to at least try

to share my good
fortune with you, so, uh...

I know what your
answer's gonna be to this...

But would you please allow me

to loan you, uh...$500?

Sure!

Uh... Beg your pardon?

Sure. I'd love it.
How soon can I get it?

Yeah. You know, norm, my
greatest fear was that you'd say no

because you'd be afraid
it'd, uh, hurt our relationship.

No. Can I get it in cash?

Sure. Yeah. Sure.

I guess our, uh,
friendship's pretty solid, huh?

Yeah. I mean,
we're the kind of guys

who knows what the
other guy's gonna say

before he even says it, huh?

Yeah, I was wrong this time.

Hey, Sam.

Hey, mort. How you
doing? What'll you have?

Let me have a draft.

Sam, you got to help me.

I got big trouble.

Really? What's the problem?

The coach of my kid's youth
league baseball team just quit,

and I figure you're
a natural for the job.

Uh... boy, I'd love to, mort,

but I don't have any
time around here.

I spend half my life trying
to keep this bar on its feet,

and the other half trying
to keep Diane off hers.

Well, I got to find somebody.

I mean, this is a
real good team, Sam.

We got a real chance

of winning the pennant here.

Wait a second. Uh,
does anyone, uh...

Want to manage the team here?

Sam, want to hear a crazy idea?

What about me?

Well, coach, that's
not a crazy idea.

That's a great idea.

Well, I knew it was
either one or the other.

Just give me a second here.

Coach, this is perfect for you.

I mean, you've got some
extra time on your hands.

You know the game.
It'd be good for you.

Come on, Sam. You
know I never managed.

The highest I ever got
was third base coach.

Mort. Yeah!

Hey, don't worry about it.

You're gonna be great.

Sam, can I talk to you about...

No, no. Not right
now. Not right now.

Sam, y-you... you
think I can handle it?

Yeah. Of course you can.

Come on, you're not kidding.

I'm not kidding.

Mort, you got
yourself a manager.

Hey, great, coach! I'll
introduce you to the kids.

They're over at
the park right now.

God, things are going so fast.

Sam, I'll be back before
you know I'm gone.

I'll probably be back
before I know I'm gone.

Sam.

I just got a real
strong feeling.

Carla, watch the bar.

No.

What?

I mean, about this idea

that coach will manage the team.

I sense disaster.

Oh, come on. What
are you talking about?

I mean, the guy's home life

is a can of spaghettios
and reruns of baretta.

This'll be good for him.

I mean, every guy
needs a hobby. Right?

I wish I had time for one.

Norm...

You've got time to
make your own coal.

Sam? This is serious.

Everybody knows
that there can be

a lot of pressure in
children's baseball.

The parents take
it very seriously.

Well, I'm afraid that
they'll take somebody

as gentle and
guileless as the coach

and eat him alive.

You're kidding me.

He's been in the big leagues.

This is not gonna
be pressure for him.

No, now, wait a minute.

He was working
for somebody else.

He was never the boss.

I'm telling you, I can't
get rid of this feeling.

Something's wrong.

Hey, hey. Diane. You
can have your feelings,

but this is, uh,
this is guy stuff.

I mean, there's a...

What, it's a male bond

that happens
between men that, uh...

Women just don't understand.

Hey, sweetheart,

sweetheart, look,
this is part of me

that is, uh, private, and you're
just gonna have to stay away from.

So it's, uh, hands
off, no trespassing,

keep out, end of discussion.

Really. You know?

Very well.

And from now on,
there's a part of me

that's "hands off" to you.

Norm: Ooh!

Ooh!

Just my luck,

it'll be one of the
parts I care about.

Sam, can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

Where do you stand
on breast-feeding?

As I recall, I... I liked it.

Uh, no, I mean me,
with my baby, in here.

Uh... carla... I guess

it's cheaper than
a piano player.

Look, Sammy, i...
You know, I'm just tired

of having to run home
to feed her all the time

during my shift.

I should've done like I
did with all my other kids.

You mean you didn't
breast-feed the other 4?

Nah. They went
right to raw meat.

Hey, everybody.

Hey! Hey...

Hey.

Say, uh, remember that, remember
that money you were gonna lend me?

Oh, of course.

Now, look, you're
a friend of mine,

you're in need, and
I'm here to help you.

I've got your money, yeah.

Look, is a handshake
good enough for you?

Sure.

Not for me.

A loan application?

Hey, it's a loan we're
talking about here,

not a handout.

I don't want to go through
this kind of humiliation, all right?

I mean, I wouldn't
be asking for this

unless I really needed it.

All right, now I got you.

Just kidding around here.

Thank you. This is
gonna go a long way

to pay a lot of bills.

You know, I really should think
of something nice for Vera, too.

Hey, now, how about
a candle lit dinner for 2?

Great. Come on. We'll
talk about Vera later.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Introducing the titans!

Ohh!

Move it.

Let's go.

Sam: Oh.

That's a well-drilled
team, coach.

Thank you, Sam.

Yeah, and look at you, coach!

Thank you, Diane.

Coach, how about
doing the honors here?

Oh, yeah. Sure, Sam.

Uh, fellas... This is
Sam "mayday" Malone,

probably the
greatest relief pitcher

the game of baseball ever knew.

Then he hit the bottle, and he
was through in less than a year.

Remember that.

Hi.

And this is Diane. She's smart.

Uh, let me, uh, introduce
my boys to you, Sam.

Uh, this is peewee,
moose, juice,

goose, the tank, the chancellor,

the bull, the
cannonball express,

specs, and dynamic duo.

So, what've you guys been
working on so far, coach?

Nicknames.

Well, party's over now, Sam,

and we start busting some butts.

I'll have these guys in
shape within the week.

Well, there you go.

Now, isn't that always
the way with children?

Delightful melding
of their innocence

with your wisdom.

Yes, we teach them,

but they leave their
impression on us... aaooh!

Deviate.

Forget it, Diane.
I can handle this.

I got a way of
communicating with kids.

All right, everybody, file out,

except you, specs.

Let's go. Move it! Move it!

Sam: See? Huh?

Ok, ok. Maybe this thing

will be a good
experience for him, huh?

Yeah, he's
standing a little taller.

There's a light in his eyes.

He's like a whole new person.

Specs, you get only one chance

to make a mistake on this team.

Go home and tell your
mother you're a flop.

A whole new person
I dislike intensely.

Hey. C-Coach. Hey.

You're gonna kick
him off the team

just for that one
little incident?

No, Sam, that's
not the only reason.

He's leading the
league in errors.

The only thing he's had
his hands on all week

is Diane's keister.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Hi. Dchoo dchoo
dchoo dchoo dchoo.

Yee-eee-eee.

Oh, woodju, woodju,
woodjie, woodju.

Kee kee.

Nanny, nanny, nanny, nan.

A-goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo.

Kootchie, kootchie,
kootchie, kootchie. Kootchie.

Uh... ahem. Who the hell
are you guys talking to?

Been talking stupid to a duck.

Oh, we... We kept it quiet.

[Baby cries loudly]

Aw, she's hungry.

[Chuckles]

Ok.

[Baby cries]

Well... Here's dinner.

Hey, whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa. Uh, Carla, come on.

It makes us a
little uncomfortable.

Ok, ok! I'll go in Sam's office.

Thank you.

Whatever happened to modesty?

Really. Who would want to look

at something like that?

Hey, you guys seen miss June?

Hey, what do we got here, huh?

Hey, hoo, whoo!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, dear. Norm's
in season again.

Coach is a little late
this evening, isn't he?

Yeah. The game must've
gone into extra innings.

How are those titans doing?

They have not lost a
game since coach took over.

Coach has lost his
sweet disposition.

He's turned into a tyrant.

Yeah, but he's winning,
Diane, and winning's

the most important thing here.

Well, I don't think winning is
the most important thing here.

Well, good. Then you won't
mind losing this argument.

Over my dead body.

Hey. Don't bring
last night into this.

That's exactly whatit was...

Your last night.

Aw, now, come on.

Come on, I was just
kidding, I was just kidding.

Come on, don't be
mad. Don't be mad.

What are we arguing about?

I mean... I mean, coach
is just being dedicated,

that's all.

Yeah, you know, I never thought

I'd say this about another man,

but coach may
have the attributes

to, uh, be a good
postal carrier:

Dedication, intensity,
and single-mindedness.

Yeah, the inability to
recognize the word "fragile."

Yeah...

I still say this was a
mistake for coach to do.

♪ Don't touch me ♪

it's not a mistake.

I mean, he's... he's
got a hobby, that's all.

I mean, he's having fun.

I can stand with
physical errors,

but I can't stand mental errors!

After this one, boy,

somebody's gonna have to go!

What happened, coach? You lost?

No! We won! But by only one run!

What's the point in winning

if you can't humiliate
the other team?!

You got to intimidate
them, Carla!

Crush 'em! Crush
'em! Crush 'em, Carla!

Crush 'em!

Hey, now, there's a fun guy.

W-Well, he's not having the
kind of fun you're talking about...

Laughing and giggling and
running barefoot through fields.

That's... that's woman's fun.

Woman's fun.

Yeah! Yeah. Coach
is having men fun.

I mean, he's... he's
active. He's working hard.

He's... he's getting
the job done.

Do you believe
anything you're saying?

No, I'm lying, but that's
another men fun thing to do.

I am going to go talk to coach.

No. Now, come on. Just
leave him alone. Leave him al...

Sam, he's obsessing.

I know all the signs.

I had a small obsession myself

until I got some help.

You did? Yes.

I was obsessive-compulsive
about neatness.

I demanded that everything
be in its proper place.

But now look at the...

Look at the
laissez faire attitude

I have about my apron.

Huh? Now, in the old days,

I would've insisted
that it be pencil, pen,

pencil, pen, pad.

Well, now it doesn't matter

if it's... Pen, pencil,
pen, pencil, pad...

Or pencil, pencil,
pen, pen, pad.

Or maybe even pencil,
pen, pad, pencil, pen.

There's one thing I cannot
have, and that's this...

Pad, pen, pen, pencil, pencil.

Well, that's just irritating.

Sam, we got any more
of those antacid tablets?

Coach, you've been,
uh, throwing down

a lot of those recently.

Yeah, and a hell
of a lot of good

they've been doing me.

Hey. Oh, hey. Come... hey,
uh... It's kind of busy out here.

Are you working tonight?

Not a chance, Sam.

We play our division
rivals tomorrow.

Hey, w-wait a second.
You got a job here.

I mean, if you're not
gonna do your work,

I'm gonna have to, uh,
replace you or something.

Listen, Sam, do
what you have to do,

but stay out of my office.

Maybe we both ought to go in.

Just let me do the talking.

You won't even know I'm there.

Much like last night.

No, no. I'll save my
left-hander for Saturday.

What am I thinking about?

I don't have a left-hander.

Coach.

Those boys... Are children,

and childhood is supposed
to be a time when...

When you're free to play a game

just for the fun of it.

You know?

Fun.

That's right.

Fun.

That's it exactly!

Fun! That's why they're
making all those mistakes!

They're not having any fun!

Well, they're gonna
learn how to have fun!

Or they're not gonna
play on any of my teams!

Coach, coach, coach.

Sit down. Sit down right here.

Take... take a deep breath in.

Now, don't you
think that you're...

Coach, let it out.

Don't you think that you're
overdoing this a little bit?

Sam, come on. You know
what it takes to win ball games.

Coach. Coach,
you're... You're doing this

because you think you
have to make up for the fact

that you never made
it in the big leagues.

But you... you
don't have to do that.

I mean, you were
a damn good coach.

I was?

You bet.

And it wasn't because
you were tough.

It wasbecause you cared.

My god, how many times

did you walk me up and
down the... the locker room

before games, pouring
coffee down my throat

when no one else would
have bothered to do that?

You're right, Sam.
I was a lovely man.

But it's not enough,
Sam. Look. Look.

I'm a contender for
the championship, Sam.

Look, when I go out there,

all those parents,
Sam, they cheer for me.

They cheer me on!

Really? Wow.

Now, after all
we've been through,

you're asking me
to give all that up?

Well, I... coach.

Tell us this.

Sure, you walk out there,

and... and you hear the cheers,

but... what is it
costing you, coach?

Well, let's see. Uh...

I had to buy a jock strap.

[Knock knock]

Carla: Hey, how's my baby?

I... I'm fine, honey,
but I'm a little busy.

Carla, come on in.

[Door opens]

I'm just gonna check her out.

Ok.

Coach.

You do what you
want with your team.

Thank you, Sam.

Where are you going?

Oh, please. Leave me alone.

Sam.

[Baby crying]

Aw... there, there, Lucia.

[Baby burps]

Now, doesn't that feel better?

I wish I could do that.

There, there, coach.

[Loud burp]

Thanks.

My pleasure.

Sam? You're not
going to accept that?

Look, what...

What... what is the problem

you're trying to solve here?

I mean, the coach is happy.

The... the families are happy.

The kids are hap...

Here. Here.

Here are coach's happy
little players right now.

Hey!

Are you on the sauce again?

We're miserable.

Yeah. We came to quit.

We can't stand it anymore.

Yeah. The pressure's
getting to us.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

All right, maybe you, uh...

Maybe you guys ought to
tell the coach to his face.

Yeah, we'd like to do
something else to his face.

Yeah.

What are you guys doing here?

They came by...

To quit.

Well, forget it, Diane.
Nobody's quitting!

Well, I am!

I can't take it anymore!

You're too hard on me!

I can't sleep. My pets hate me.

I'm starting to smoke again!

I've had enough,
and I'm through!

Yeah! Me, too!

So you're gonna quit, huh?

Yep. Yeah.

That's what I got on my hands...

A bunch of quitters, huh?

Yeah. Well, go ahead and quit!

I can go it alone!
Who needs you?

Go on, get out of here! Quit!

Thank you! Quit!

Bye. Get back here!

Line up against that bar!

Coach: Hut!

I got a little story for you!

And I hope it just
sticks with you

for the rest of your life.

Sam, what's a good story?

I don't know.

What's a good story?

Well, coach, why don't
you tell them a story

about a real mean guy?

Mean guy? Yeah.

Hey, hey... The one
you used to tell me,

the, uh... The... The
pledge of allegiance...

Ooh, him! Yeah! Ohh!

Yeah.

Listen, when I
was a kid in school,

just about your age,

I had this teacher,
a real mean guy.

Guy named Mr. Spires.

He always wanted me to
learn the pledge of allegiance,

and one day, in assembly hall,

he had me say it in
front of the whole school.

I'd stayed up the whole
night before trying to learn it,

but when I got up on that stage,

I drew a complete blank.

I was lost.

And this Mr. Spires guy says,

"nobody in this
auditorium's gonna leave

until pantusso remembers."

I stood there, and it...
It seemed like forever...

With everybody laughing at me.

It was probably the
worst day of my life.

And... and the point, coach,

is that you finally did learn

the pledge of allegiance.

No, Sam, I never learned it.

Yeah, but, uh...

You respected Mr. Spires
for trying to help you.

No. I hated his guts, Sam.

But... but looking back on
it now, you respect him for...

No! No! He died, and
I was glad he died!

Thank you, coach.

I'm sure the guys
enjoyed that inspiring story.

I guess I must've
said the wrong story.

I... I... I don't know.

No, coach, you
told the right story.

Well, w-why did I say it?

Because you don't want
these guys to leave here

hating you like you
hated Mr. Spires.

Holy mackerel.

So that's what you had
on your minds, huh?!

Well, listen to me!

Nobody, but nobody's gonna
turn me into a Mr. Spires!

You understand?!

And, coach, there's gonna be
some changes around here now.

You bet your boots
there's gonna be

some changes!

From now on, there'll be

no 2-a-day practices!
You understand?!

You're lucky if you're
gonna get 2 a week!

And... any game we play,

everybody plays, even the
lousy ones, like you, peewee.

You got it?!

And if we win, we win!

And if we lose...
Well, tough nouggies!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Shut up!

Carla...

Give these guys
sodas till they drop!

And I'm buying!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Shut up! Shut up!

Turn around and have your sodas!

Diane...

If we lose tomorrow,
it's your butt.

Oh. I'm so happy.

We finally got our coach back.

Yeah. Yeah.

Things are gonna be even
better than they were before.

[Sighs]

There's beauty in art.

There's beauty in nature,

and I think that applies
to human nature, too.

Things are allowed to
take their own course,

but we have to be
tolerant of each other.

We have to...

Your, uh, pad's upside down.

Aah! Aah!