Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 6 - Affairs of the Heart - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Excuse me, cutie.

Cutie? Who do you
think you're talking to?

Her.

Better be.

Well, as long as you're here.

I ain't here.

What's the matter?

Did we get up on the wrong
side of the web this morning?

I hate it when
they call me cutie.

Well I do know how you feel,



earlier tonight a customer had the
effrontery to refer to me as honey.

But that makes sense.
Honey is bee barf.

[Snort]

Does that snort mean
we were amused?

No, no. Definitely not. That
was a snort of disapproval.

♪ Makin' your way in the world
today takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be where you can see

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪



♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go where people know

♪ people are all the same

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norman!

How's life, norm?

Ask the man who's got one.

Ahh, here's mine now.

Ahh, about that, norm.

Sammy raised the
price to the draft.

Hey, I was going
to tell him, cliff.

Yeah, but you would have found
some way to cushion the blow, Sammy.

Sure, Sam. Why
not? It's get norm year.

Join the fun.

Hey, come on.
It's only a quarter.

Only a quarter. That's
easy for you to say.

Maybe this will
change your tune.

Sam, watch it, he's
going for his gun.

It's just my calculator, coach.

I'm going to have to figure out

how much I can drink,

and still stay within
my suds allowance.

What do you got?

I'm going to have
to cut back 8.7%.

It comes out to one
beer every half hour.

Guess I'm going to have
to drink a little more slowly.

Slowing down isn't so bad.

Sam, I've got to tell you

you've got one of the cutest
cocktail waitresses I've ever seen.

Oh, stop. I'm blushing.

I meant you.

So what.

I'm sorry.

You sure are.

Romance is in the air, Sam.

Oh I guess... I'm a little
busy here, but I suppose...

Oh, Sam!

If you could see
past your codpiece...

You'd notice that
I was referring

to that gentleman
right over there.

Hank?

Yes. He's been
watching Carla all week.

Haven't you seen how he gives
her those moony-eyed looks?

It's almost embarrassing. If
he were anymore overcome

with desire, there would
be drool on his chin.

Excuse me. What were you saying?

Well, for whatever reason,

he's attracted to Carla,

but he doesn't seem
to be able to get started.

I think I should help him.

I think you shouldn't.

We'll compromise. I'll help him.

I knew we could work this out.

Excuse me.

I'm Diane chambers.

Hello. Henry zenzola.

Henry, nice to meet you. Do
you mind if I sit down for a second?

No. Please.

Henry, I want to put
it right on the line.

How do you feel about Carla?

You mean the waitress
with the foul mouth,

nasty disposition and what
looks to be a real mean wallop?

That's the one.

She's the hottest thing walking.

Do you like to get to know
her? I think I can arrange it.

You think so?

I've been trying to
get to her all week.

She acts like I'm contagious.

Has she actually made
any retching noises?

No.

You're in.

I'll be right back.

What a nice person.

Is she always like that?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Coach, give me a beer.

Hey, norm your getting a little bit ahead
of your one beer/ half hour schedule,

aren't you?

No, no, cliff. I'm
on London time.

God save the queen.

His name is Henry.
He's interested in you.

So what?

I think you should go
over and talk to him.

Well, I don't.

Why?

Because if he's interested in me,
there's something wrong with him.

Carla, I assure you
he's perfectly charming.

I think he's kind of
attractive, too, don't you?

Yeah, as cue balls
go, he's a looker.

Don't ask me why,

but for some reason, any guy who I'm
interested in or who's interested in me

always turns out to have something
very seriously wrong with him.

Carla, I can see
why you think that,

but you have to stop
feeling that your undesirable.

Are you kidding?

I'm too desirable.

I'm a vermin magnet.

Come on, Carla.
This guy's not like that.

He's attractive, charming,

intelligent, well-dressed,

and opposites
attract, so go for him.

Yeah, Carla. He's always
talking about the sox.

He probably knows
yaz personally.

Yaz.

Yaz.

Yeah?

Ok. I'll talk to him.

Oh, goody.

Just long enough to find out

what's wrong with this loser.

I like a person with
an open mind. Huh?

You Hank?

Yeah. How do you do?

Shut up and answer
a few questions.

First of all, where did you
come from all of a sudden?

I never saw you in here before.

I don't really get
out that much.

He's married.

No. No. Carla. I'm single.

You ever been married?

No.

Gay as a goose.

No. No.

Carla.

What?

I like women.

Some women very much.

Hooker bait!

Carla...

I don't mind being
put through my paces.

In fact, uh, I'm always
one to enjoy a good game.

I hope this one gets better.

Yeah. Yeah. This proves nothing.

He's great, and
it's killing you.

I admit he's tough,

but I'll crack him.

Come on. We're going
for a cup of coffee on you.

Fine.

Sam, I'm taking a break.

You got a criminal record?

No.

Any mental illness
in the family?

Artificial body parts?

No.

Okay. Open your mouth.

So who's the greatest
matchmaker in the world?

Yeah, yeah.

Come on. Say it, Sam.

I'm not going to say it.

Well, come on, Sam.
You've got to admit

Carla and Hank have been an item
ever since they went out to dinner.

Oh, I hate to see that.

You think Carla's making
a mistake there, norm?

No. I just had my last
beer of the 20th century.

Hi, everybody.

Hey! Hey!

We just came from the game.

We killed the oilers, 28-3.

Whoa!

And Hank has the
greatest season seats.

Yeah. Spitting distance
from the visitors' bench.

Listen, Hank. Thanks a lot.

I had a great time.

Yeah, I had a great
time, too, Carla.

You want to meet
later for a light supper?

I'm sorry. I forgot
to tell you before.

We're through. Beat it.

Carla.

What did you find
wrong with him?

Nothing.

Well, then...

Look, I do not
want to talk about it.

I want to be left alone.

Sam, what do you
need from your office?

Nothing.

I'll go see if you have any.

What happened?

I don't know.

We were getting along so great.

Hank, sit down.

Coach, pour him a beer.

I'm going to go see
if Carla needs help

finding that nothing.

Hey, Hank.

You know, when I'm
really kind of depressed,

I usually like to buy a beer

for a friend who's a little
behind on his beer budget.

Well, I'm not really
feeling all that depressed.

You're not?

I mean, you fall
really hard for this girl.

You think you got her
where you want her.

Then all of a sudden,
bang! She cuts you off

at the kneecaps in
front of a room full...

Set him up.

Thank you. This'll help...
This is going to help.

I want to be alone, Sam.

I'll only be a second.

I've got something very
important to do in there.

I have to fix
the... Immediately.

Ok. All right. All right.

What are you doing here, Sam?

I just wanted to come in and
see if you wanted to talk. That's all.

I don't.

Ok.

Look, Sam.

This guy is perfect
in every other way.

The only thing left is that
he must be lousy in bed.

Who needs it?

You know, from over here

it seems like you're
just afraid to go with this.

Being vulnerable.

Vulnerable?

It's just a word I
picked up somewhere.

The only thing I'm scared of
is that if I go to bed with him,

he's going to be so crazed with
desire, I'll never get rid of him.

Aah, Carla. That's not
what you're afraid of

you're afraid that you're
going to fall for this guy.

No. I'm not going
to fall for this guy.

I've already
fallen for this guy.

Aha. And now you're afraid
he's going to turn into a jerk, right?

No, smart guy,
he's already a jerk.

Why is he a jerk?

Because he's dishonest.

Why is he dishonest?

Because he's hiding
the fact that he's a jerk.

Who's jerking who here?

Come on, Carla. You know,
you always say you're so tough.

You talk tough, you act tough.

You're not tough. Tough
guys take chances.

You're a chicken.

Don't ever call me that.

Aha. Aha. That's what you
are, Carla. You're a chicken.

Bok! Bok! Bok! Bok!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I want to go with you.

You have been cruising on
your looks for too long buddy.

I'm not going to fight with you.

Yeah you are. Yeah
you are. Let's go.

Ooh!

Hey, Carla, come on.
You're half my size.

Ow! Come on. That's dirty.

Yeow!

Nobody calls me chicken.

I'll show you. I'm going to go out
there. I'm going to be so vulnerable.

I'm going to open myself up
to happiness like a banshee.

Hey, Sam. Could I
have the night off?

Ow!

Thanks.

Feel better now?

Yeah, I thought so.

Hi.

Hi.

Want to go to my place?

You bet.

We can't. My kids are there.

How about your place?

I told you, I'm
staying with a friend

until my apartment's ready.

Diane, give me the
keys to your place.

I will not.

Hey. You're the matchmaker.

You want this thing to work out,

or you want it to end up with a
broken heart and a broken lip?

Enjoy.

Thank you.

And Carla when you're
done, just burn the place.

Come on.

Carla, you just made me
the happiest man on earth.

Just wait.

Sam.

Sam!

What happened?
Are you all right?

Don't worry. Don't worry.

She didn't hurt any
of the good stuff.

Romance in this bar is kind
of an inspiration. You know, uh,

you, Diane. Carla, Hank, there.

Seeing you all
makes me kind of think

think that somewhere out
there there's somebody for me.

There are those that
would disagree, I guess.

I'm sorry, cliff.

Just a picture came to mind

of you in the sack.

I see your mailbag
draped over a chair

next to your gabardines.

Yeah? Yeah?

That's as far as
I wanted to look.

Wait a minute.
I agree with cliff.

Cheers is a romantic bar.

I mean, you take even
a poor guy like Hank,

with his terrible problem,

he comes in here,
he can get a girl.

Coach, what terrible problem?

Well, I'm sorry. I
can't talk about it.

Hank told me not to.

Coach, this could
be kind of important.

Can you give us a
hint or something?

A hint. Ok. I got one, uh...

Lefty Kramer.

Lefty Kramer, the
old third baseman?

Right. Lefty has the same
problem that Hank has.

Hank can't hit a breaking pitch?

Oh, yeah. Poor Carla, huh?

Yeah. She'll be crushed.

Go on. Keep thinking.

Think. What problem
did lefty have?

Well, he was ugly
as a mud fence.

I remember that. He
was a bad dresser.

He used to spit tobacco
juice all over him.

Ha ha ha he was great.

Could we forget lefty?

What's wrong with Hank, coach?

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute, I got it.

Coach, lefty had
a heart problem.

That's it.

Hank has the same thing.

I mean, the least bit of
excitement, wham, bam, it's curtains.

Coach, how about sex?

Diane, please. I thought
you were Sam's girl.

No.

Coach, I'm talking about Hank.

Hank is seeing Carla.
Are you listening to this?

Coach. Coach, what
she's trying to say is,

is Hank in any danger
with Carla tonight?

No. No. Not at all.

Not at all... Unless he gets
over excited about something.

Oh! Oh, Sam...
We've got to stop them!

Wait. Wait. Hank wouldn't have gone with
Carla if he thought it was risky right?

Oh, come on.

Yeah. Yeah.

We've got to stop them.

We've got to warn
Carla, at least.

I mean my god... I mean

what a shock if the guy were
to drop dead in Carla's own bed

oh, god. She's in my apartment.

You're kidding.

Well, that's the last
time I let bedroom.

What?

Call! Just call!

Well what? Come on!

What am I suppose to say?

I don't know. Tell her to
look on the next pillow,

and count the dead people.

Norman!

Just ask her if
everything's all right.

All right. All right.

The line's busy.

Oh, yeah. Maybe she's
calling an ambulance, huh?

Cliff, now stop it.

We don't have to
jump to conclusions.

A lot of people when they're
having a romantic evening

they... they take the
phone off the hook,

they don't want anything
to interupt their intimacies.

How come we never did that?

I might miss an important call.

Will you go over there please,
and see what's happening?

You're right. Coach,
stay on the line, here.

You know, it's all my fault. I
practically pushed them into this.

I'm going, too. I brought
them together in the first place.

Yeah, well, I'll go
with you. I now cpr.

I'll go. I'm a cpa.

No. No. No. No. Guys stay
here. Stay here. I can handle this.

If we need you, I'll call you.

Oh, please god,
let Hank be all right.

Stop!

Oh, no.

I wonder if we're too late.

Well, there's only
one way to find out.

No, no, Sam.

We can't just burst in on them.

That's a gaucherie.

Besides, we might
actually... See them.

Well, what were
we planning to do?

Um... let's make loud noises

to draw their attention.

Ahem.

Ahem, ahem.

Fire! Fire!

No, Sam, you'll startle him.

Oh my god, I
hope I didn't blow it.

Sam, that's so disgusting.

Can you hear anything?

Not a thing.

Isn't that funny? I thought Carla
would be the type to make noises.

Hello there.

Ooh, ooh. They're just starting.

What the hell's going on here?

You see...

We, uh, we thought
you were in there.

Were you looking for pointers?

We saw the wine glasses.

We had a drink here and decided
to go out for something to eat.

So you didn't actually...

Let's pretend for a minute

it's any of your business.

No, we didn't.

Why here? Is there
something wrong?

Uh, Hank, I'm
sorry for intruding,

but coach said something

about you having
a heart condition.

Oh, did he?

Did he make a mistake?

No, he's right.

I have a serious problem.

You do?

He also said

that any exertion would
be very dangerous for you.

And so we thought we'd catch you

before you and Carla...

Exerted.

Yeah.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Are you trying to tell
me you could've died?

Carla, I...

Yeah, it could've happened.

Sex is ok for most people
with heart problems,

I'm just one of those rare
cases that makes it chancy.

Maybe if we didn't get too wild.

Are you kidding?

I've almost killed off
guys with good pumps.

Carla...

Carla, will you just forget...

Would you butt out!

Now I am not
going to forget this

of all the rotten things
that guys have done to me,

this is the rottenest.

My instincts were right.

I should've told you I
just didn't want to spoil it.

Spoil it?

Oh I would've felt great waking
up tomorrow with a stiff next to me.

Well, at least, you wouldn't
have had to feed him breakfast.

Hank...

Why would you take such a risk?

How could I not?

Carla, I've been so
careful for so long.

And then I met you,

and I just didn't care.

The more I got to know you
the more I wanted to take the risk.

Wow.

You're nuts.

I just got so carried away,

I didn't stop to think
what it might do to you.

I don't know what to
think about all of this.

I guess I better leave.

No. Hey, Hank,
couldn't you and Carla

just be good friends?

Real good friends?

No. I don't want to be
just friends with Carla.

It'd drive me crazy

to be so close to you
and not touch you.

Hear that, bean pole?

Carla, I'm sorry I
disappointed you.

Wait, wait. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

I just thought of something.

In a way,

I think maybe you and
I were perfect together.

See... we never had
an argument. Right?

Not a harsh word.

No one looking in
another direction.

Yes. It was like

an incredibly delicate flower.

It doesn't matter
how long it lasts...

Hey, whitey, this
is my moment here.

I'm sorry.

In a way, Hank...

I'll always remember you

as the best lover I ever had.

Carla...

Good-bye.

Oh, Carla.

Well, now I've seen past
your little masquerade.

And there's a bond between us

that can never be broken.

I'm going to capture
my feelings now

while they're fresh,

and put them on the
pages of my diary.

Oh, wait, Diane.

Right here. We were
laughing about it at dinner.