Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 7 - Old Flames - full transcript
Sam's old wolf-hound in crime, sportscaster Dave Richards, announces that he is now single and once again on the market. As a reflex, Sam goes off with him babe hunting until he sees Diane and remembers that he is now in a relationship. Dave is surprised at their relationship, and vows that they will no longer be an item within 24 hours. Sam and Diane are incredulous but nervous as to Dave's statement as they know Dave will do whatever he needs to to break them up. For Sam and Diane, things go from bad - when Diane finds out that Sam still has his little black book - to worse - when Dave drops off a date, Didi, for Sam. Thinking that Dave might actually be right, Sam goes off with Didi. After the fact of Sam's encounter with Didi, Sam and Diane have to decide if the the end goal or each small victory is what is most important in their relationship. They also have to decide if Dave's deliberate attempts to break them up should factor into the equation.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm!
How's life, normie?
I'm not going to win
any awards, coach.
Put a brew in my face, please.
Coach: Coming right up.
So, what you been
up to there, normie?
I went out this
afternoon for the first time
since Vera and I split up.
Oh, hey, ok.
Who's the lucky damsel?
Arlene horsley.
She was a typist
at that firm I got fired from.
I gave her a slice of my pizza
one day during coffee break,
and things kind of
took off from there.
Anyway, we caught a
little movie this afternoon.
What was playing?
Finally got around to
seeing Gandhi, coach.
Whoa, Gandhi.
Fine piece of
cinematic art there, huh?
Well, I'm out of here.
Where you going?
I've got to get back there
before Arlene starts to miss me.
Where is she?
She's watching Gandhi.
I'm just... I'm just
out for popcorn.
See you in about an hour
when I go out for jujubes.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
You did.
Thank you for a
wonderful afternoon.
Yeah, right. My
heart's still pounding.
Sam.
Ecchh.
Carla, if you have
something to say,
come right out and say it.
All right.
Yecch!
What is your problem?
Look, everyone knows there is
no bigger romantic
than Carla tortelli.
But if you two are
going to do stuff like that,
at least have the decency
to do it out by the garbage.
Even you cannot
ruin our mood, Carla.
Sam and I had a wonderful
afternoon gallery haunting.
We saw some of the works
of new england's finest artists.
Lose a bet, huh, Sam?
As a matter of fact,
Mr. Malone is on his way
to developing an appreciation
of non-representational
art. That's right.
Name any piece of
art you saw today.
Well, gee, there
were so many, uh...
Name any piece
of art in the world.
Buck says he gets this one.
You're on.
Michelangelo's
two muscular guys
touching fingers.
Pay up.
Fooled me.
Why? Why?
Well, Diane, Diane,
I wouldn't try too hard
to domesticate the guy.
You're going against
eons of biology
on this one.
What are you talking about?
Well, early cave men,
they went out hunting
for the very food
that graced their simple table.
Women stayed in the cave
and developed art, culture,
what have you.
Men down through the centuries
have always been hunters,
you know, doers, adventurers.
Cogito, it is not in
man's nature to sit alone
and be passive and docile.
Ugghh.
What's the matter, norm?
Nothing. It's just my
shorts are binding up on me.
Just, you know, stand up
and straighten them out a little.
Nah, I'll give
them five minutes.
Sometimes they self-correct.
You wear boxers?
The level of
conversation in this bar
could not sink any lower.
Hiya, wonder buns.
Going down.
Mr. Richards. Hey, Dave.
Hi, sports fans.
Hey, Dave, Dave,
what was that you said
at the end of your
sports report last night?
Oh, I said,
"good night. And remember,
"the world is full of
winners and losers.
Here's hoping
you're one of them."
Oh, I guess I did hear it right.
Hey, big fella.
How you doing, mayday?
Good. How are you, Dave?
Miserable.
Brenda and I split.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yep. This is from
the heart, big guy.
It's the most devastating
period of my life.
Want to talk about it?
Nope. Fall off a horse,
you get right back on.
Hey, Sam, I was just wondering.
How about you and me
giving the females of Boston
10 minutes' head start,
and then go round them
up, like the old days?
We did have fun, didn't we?
We were pretty good.
I was wondering on
the way over here,
what do you think was
the best night we ever had?
Oh, that's tough.
No, wait, I think I'd have
to say July 4, Chicago.
Ooh.
Yankee doodle, eh?
Oh, I was thinking
about Minneapolis.
Minneapolis. Minneapolis
was great, but that was quantity.
I'm talking quality here.
Ooh. Ooh.
Hey, you guys, was
there ever a night
where there was, like,
both quantity and quality?
Vegas! Vegas!
What are we waiting for, Sam?
Nothing.
Don't wait up for us.
Females of Boston,
stop dreaming.
It's on its way.
See you later, sweetheart.
You take care, Dave.
Don't you be a stranger.
Don't you be a stranger.
Did you get a chance
to say hi to Dave?
Good, old guy.
Where were you going with him?
Oh. Oh, wait. Where am I?
Last thing I remember,
I was standing behind the bar.
I must have blacked out.
Coach, I'm having blackouts.
Kind of a nice break
in the day, isn't it, Sam?
Sam, what gives?
Dave, there's no way
I'm going to make it
to the aquarium with you today.
I'm sorry.
I know where you two were going.
You were going trollop hunting.
That sounds like fun.
Can you do that with women?
Listen, I was not
thinking, Diane.
It was just an
automatic reaction.
That's all. I promise.
Sam, you're not gonna tell me
that you and the
human brain here
got something going, are you?
Well, uh... Kind of, yeah.
Definitely. I mean, totally.
Very romantic phrasing.
Boy, you must be one hot honey.
Hey, hey, whoa. Take
it easy here. Listen.
It just so happens we got
a good thing going here
and I'm very proud of it.
And speaking of things going,
why don't you, Dave?
Yeah, maybe you oughta, Dave.
I'll talk to you later.
Ok. I'll come back
when you split up.
I've got about an hour to kill.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen.
I'm telling you this
is going to work out.
Hey, Sam, who
you talking to here?
You were a worse hound than me,
which makes you the
worst hound that ever was.
David, that has all changed now.
Some things never change.
You cannot give an
old leopard new stripes.
Why are we talking
to this person?
Hey, look, I don't have
anything against you personally.
I just want my old buddy back.
I say I can break you two up.
This time tomorrow,
Sam and I will be out
scouting those El feminitos.
Well, you're wrong.
There's no way.
And you're way out of line here.
24 hours, you two are bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Do you believe that?
I mean, that's ridiculous.
Sam... he can give us 24 hours,
24 days, 24 years.
We have transcendent time.
Right, right, but right now,
the important thing
is the next 24 hours.
Now, just to be on
the safe side here,
why don't we
not even get into a heated
discussion today, ok?
Sure, that's easy.
Good. I hope so.
The truth is
we have never gone
24 hours without a fight.
We most certainly have.
We haven't. Sam Malone...
All right, you're right.
You're right. You're right.
The important thing here now
is just no arguing,
no fighting...
No breakup.
I couldn't agree more.
Oh, Sam. Hey, listen.
Seeing as you're going
to be out of commission,
or so you say,
you think you could give me
the number of that Lydia chick
you used to keep for yourself?
You're impossible,
you know that?
Cliff, the book.
Ohh!
That still her number?
Come on, come on, come on, man.
You're smudging Judy
Wilson's number there.
Thanks, buddy.
See you, gang.
Oh, and, uh, moonbeam...
Seeing as you'll
be split up tomorrow
and you'll probably
likely be free,
so maybe you and I could...
I'd rather be staked
out on an ant hill naked.
You see, Sam, how they always
get the word naked in there?
Go on. Go on.
What a scuzzy, egotistical,
greasy, rotten sewer rat.
Cliff: Uh, you're right.
I think I'm in love.
You know, Diane,
I'm glad that jerk
came by today.
It's moments like that
that make me realize
what a good thing
we got going here.
Why do you still
have that thing?
What's that, babe?
The book.
Why are you keeping it?
Sweetheart...
This is my address book.
I've got emergency
numbers in this.
Ok.
What emergency service does
Wanda mendelsohn render?
She's an all-night plumber.
She's the only plumber in Boston
you have to go to her house.
Hey, Carla.
Sam, you have not
answered my question.
Why are you holding on to the
phone numbers of other women?
I'm not holding on to it.
I just haven't gotten
around to getting rid of it.
Fine. Then you won't
mind if I help you with that.
Cliff.
Cliff, you touched it!
I can see!
Normie, I can walk!
He's walking! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Cliff's walking!
He's walking! Hallelujah!
I'm just saying
it would be a
wonderful gesture to me
if you destroyed the book.
Are you nuts?
It took me years to
meet all these people.
And even longer
to alphabetize them.
All right!
I knew you'd bring this
around to stupid again.
Any argument with you
begins and ends with stupid.
Listen, you can
put up with this book
if I can put up with an
afternoon of paint splatters.
Paint splatters?
Sam, if brains were money,
you'd have to take out a loan
for a cup of coffee.
I got that. I got that one.
You're making
marvelous progress.
I'll tell you something...
I'll tell you something
that's not making
progress around here,
and that's you and me.
We can change
that in an instant.
Well, whatever, because
I'm keeping that book.
And you know where
you can keep it?
Right straight... Shh shh shh.
Under the pillow you
dream on, big guy.
Oh, Sam, got a minute?
Listen, I just wanted
to congratulate you
on your recent falling out
with miss chicken parts.
I suggest you take this
opportunity to make it permanent.
You know something,
Carla? Whenever we fight,
you just love to gloat.
Well, Sam, as a matter of fact,
I feel a little sad
about this one.
Why? I wasn't the cause of it.
Oh... maybe me and
Diane being together
just doesn't make any sense.
Oh, love, Sam,
who could explain it?
Fools would try.
Yeah, you're right, coach.
I've got this theory,
though, see...
Coach, could you take me home?
Ok, Carla.
You know, coach, every night,
you walk out of here
and you forget your keys.
You got 'em this time?
It's ok, Carla. I
got it all figured out.
I left them in the car.
Aren't you afraid
someone's going to steal it?
I locked the doors.
How are you gonna
get in without your keys?
I made a duplicate set.
Well, where are they, coach?
Holy mackerel.
Sam.
Carla, we've really
got to make a scramble.
Looks like rain.
Come on. I left
the windows open.
Just so I don't mistake this
for you being deep in thought
about how much you love me,
you're not talking to me, right?
I hate you with the white-hot
intensity of 1,000 suns.
♪ Somebody's cranky ♪
hold on. I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
As a gesture to put
all of this behind us,
I'm going to take
this book of mine...
Oh, I see, I see.
You're going to patch it up now
so you don't lose face
with your buddy Dave.
No, no. Forget about Dave.
I'm concerned
about us right now.
I'm going to take this book...
Which represents my
past, do you understand?
I'm going to rip up...
"X" through "z"
and all but one of "q."
You just don't
understand, do you?
I don't think there's
any more to say.
Well, girls, there he is.
Isn't he pretty?
What do you want, Dave?
Hey, Sam, was that
Diane I saw leaving?
Yeah. She had to go home early.
She has a few pictures
of me she wants to hang.
Yeah. Sam, I'm in a bind.
You don't look
too bad off to me.
The one on the left is Valerie
and the other one's didi.
I'm one over the limit.
I got to throw one back.
Can you take her off my hands?
Gimme a break
here. What, is this
part of your plan?
No. Come on. I'm asking
a favor from a buddy.
Look, ordinarily, I
wouldn't ask you,
but Valerie there
thinks I'm complex.
Need I say more?
Look, just see
that she gets home.
Oh, come on, Dave.
Give me a break.
Sam, will you just see
that she gets home, ok?
Thanks.
Valerie, what do you say
you and I just jump in
that davemobile, huh?
So...
Didi...
Where do you live?
Chicago.
Excuse me?
Chicago. It's in Illinois.
I know where Chicago
is. But I thought...
I'm just here overnight.
I'm a stewardess. I'm
at the Stafford hotel.
Oh.
Why don't you just
let me call you a cab?
Oh. Well... Ok.
Gee, Dave said
you were a fun guy.
I used to be a fun
guy before I met...
Before I met you.
Now I'm a really fun guy.
Great!
Stafford hotel? Yeah.
All right.
Normie, how come you're
not out with Arlene tonight?
Oh, gee, I am!
What?
Where are you gonna be?
I think we're at the circus.
No. That's tomorrow.
We're in a balcony somewhere.
I don't know.
Hey, coach. I thought it was
your turn to drive today.
Oh, did I forget to
pick you up, Carla?
Gee, I'm sorry, honey.
Look, I'll make it up to you.
It's ok.
No, no, no.
Tomorrow, you
forget to pick me up.
Coach, is Sam in yet?
No, he's not here, honey.
What's the matter? Feel a
case of the nags coming on?
I deserve that.
No. Actually, I wanted
to apologize to him.
I made too big a deal
of that address book.
But he was being
insensitive himself.
I guess I should learn
to control myself, huh?
I still think Sam was wrong!
Cheers.
Coach, that ringing
is in your head.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Coach, I don't blame
you for being confused.
My relationship with Sam
is making me a little crazy.
Aww. And you used
to be so together.
Oh, good, good.
Diane, you're here.
I got something
I want to tell you.
Sam, I'm really sorry the
way I reacted yesterday.
I had a miserable night...
It's ok. It's all
right. It's all right.
Yeah? Come on. I can't wait.
You're going to love this.
This is so good.
Well, great. I
can't wait, either.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
Coach, your
phone's ringing there.
No, no, cliff, it's in my head.
Oh, the big guy's chair, huh?
Tell me. Tell me.
Diane, last night I
took a beautiful woman
back to my place.
She was ready, willing and
able, you know what I mean,
and so was I.
We were right in the sack.
And then all of a sudden,
get this... I stopped.
I thought about you,
I thought about how
much you mean to me,
and I said, "didi,
I can't do this.
I got a chick."
What do you think,
about that, huh?
Well, I was expecting
a hug or a kiss,
but this is more
personal, I guess.
How could you?
Hey, Diane, this is good news.
This is good news?
You go to bed with another woman
and this is good news?
You're not getting
the big picture here.
I mean, this is the first time
I've never said no to a woman.
And she was a gorgeous woman.
I mean, there's not
a man in the world
who'd say no to her.
Not many women,
either, I'll tell you that.
Besides, at that
point, I mean, you and I
were as good as broken up.
The only thing as
good as broken up
is being broken up, and we are.
Oh, come on. Don't you see
what this means here?
Oh, damn it!
Hey, you two. Your
24 hours is about up.
Ooh, do I sense
tension in this room?
You know, that was really
a crummy thing you did,
pushing didi on me like that.
If Diane and I
didn't have such a...
Such a good thing going here,
that might have split us up.
Come on. You two?
Good thing going?
I get along better with my wife,
and we've exchanged gunfire.
David, you'll be very
happy to hear that...
Now, wait, wait.
Now, whatever Dave
hears, he'll hear from me.
I made a mistake
last night, Dave...
I almost made a mistake.
I've admitted this to Diane,
and now I'm telling her
that I'm finally convinced.
I mean, I'm crazy
about this woman.
She is the best thing going,
and I don't care
about anybody else,
and I'll tell you something.
I'm not gonna let
anything come between us.
Sam.
Well...
Oh, puke.
Dave, you're just gonna have to find
someone else to waste your evenings with
because I'm gonna
be wasting mine with
this little filly right here.
Oh, Sam.
Well, I know when I'm beat.
Hey, wait a second
here. I want you...
I want you to watch
me kiss my woman here.
You might learn
something. Come here.
Oh, that's great, Sam.
Yeah, didi said you were
the best kisser she'd ever had.
Really?
Oh! Aah!
a live studio audience.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm!
How's life, normie?
I'm not going to win
any awards, coach.
Put a brew in my face, please.
Coach: Coming right up.
So, what you been
up to there, normie?
I went out this
afternoon for the first time
since Vera and I split up.
Oh, hey, ok.
Who's the lucky damsel?
Arlene horsley.
She was a typist
at that firm I got fired from.
I gave her a slice of my pizza
one day during coffee break,
and things kind of
took off from there.
Anyway, we caught a
little movie this afternoon.
What was playing?
Finally got around to
seeing Gandhi, coach.
Whoa, Gandhi.
Fine piece of
cinematic art there, huh?
Well, I'm out of here.
Where you going?
I've got to get back there
before Arlene starts to miss me.
Where is she?
She's watching Gandhi.
I'm just... I'm just
out for popcorn.
See you in about an hour
when I go out for jujubes.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
You did.
Thank you for a
wonderful afternoon.
Yeah, right. My
heart's still pounding.
Sam.
Ecchh.
Carla, if you have
something to say,
come right out and say it.
All right.
Yecch!
What is your problem?
Look, everyone knows there is
no bigger romantic
than Carla tortelli.
But if you two are
going to do stuff like that,
at least have the decency
to do it out by the garbage.
Even you cannot
ruin our mood, Carla.
Sam and I had a wonderful
afternoon gallery haunting.
We saw some of the works
of new england's finest artists.
Lose a bet, huh, Sam?
As a matter of fact,
Mr. Malone is on his way
to developing an appreciation
of non-representational
art. That's right.
Name any piece of
art you saw today.
Well, gee, there
were so many, uh...
Name any piece
of art in the world.
Buck says he gets this one.
You're on.
Michelangelo's
two muscular guys
touching fingers.
Pay up.
Fooled me.
Why? Why?
Well, Diane, Diane,
I wouldn't try too hard
to domesticate the guy.
You're going against
eons of biology
on this one.
What are you talking about?
Well, early cave men,
they went out hunting
for the very food
that graced their simple table.
Women stayed in the cave
and developed art, culture,
what have you.
Men down through the centuries
have always been hunters,
you know, doers, adventurers.
Cogito, it is not in
man's nature to sit alone
and be passive and docile.
Ugghh.
What's the matter, norm?
Nothing. It's just my
shorts are binding up on me.
Just, you know, stand up
and straighten them out a little.
Nah, I'll give
them five minutes.
Sometimes they self-correct.
You wear boxers?
The level of
conversation in this bar
could not sink any lower.
Hiya, wonder buns.
Going down.
Mr. Richards. Hey, Dave.
Hi, sports fans.
Hey, Dave, Dave,
what was that you said
at the end of your
sports report last night?
Oh, I said,
"good night. And remember,
"the world is full of
winners and losers.
Here's hoping
you're one of them."
Oh, I guess I did hear it right.
Hey, big fella.
How you doing, mayday?
Good. How are you, Dave?
Miserable.
Brenda and I split.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yep. This is from
the heart, big guy.
It's the most devastating
period of my life.
Want to talk about it?
Nope. Fall off a horse,
you get right back on.
Hey, Sam, I was just wondering.
How about you and me
giving the females of Boston
10 minutes' head start,
and then go round them
up, like the old days?
We did have fun, didn't we?
We were pretty good.
I was wondering on
the way over here,
what do you think was
the best night we ever had?
Oh, that's tough.
No, wait, I think I'd have
to say July 4, Chicago.
Ooh.
Yankee doodle, eh?
Oh, I was thinking
about Minneapolis.
Minneapolis. Minneapolis
was great, but that was quantity.
I'm talking quality here.
Ooh. Ooh.
Hey, you guys, was
there ever a night
where there was, like,
both quantity and quality?
Vegas! Vegas!
What are we waiting for, Sam?
Nothing.
Don't wait up for us.
Females of Boston,
stop dreaming.
It's on its way.
See you later, sweetheart.
You take care, Dave.
Don't you be a stranger.
Don't you be a stranger.
Did you get a chance
to say hi to Dave?
Good, old guy.
Where were you going with him?
Oh. Oh, wait. Where am I?
Last thing I remember,
I was standing behind the bar.
I must have blacked out.
Coach, I'm having blackouts.
Kind of a nice break
in the day, isn't it, Sam?
Sam, what gives?
Dave, there's no way
I'm going to make it
to the aquarium with you today.
I'm sorry.
I know where you two were going.
You were going trollop hunting.
That sounds like fun.
Can you do that with women?
Listen, I was not
thinking, Diane.
It was just an
automatic reaction.
That's all. I promise.
Sam, you're not gonna tell me
that you and the
human brain here
got something going, are you?
Well, uh... Kind of, yeah.
Definitely. I mean, totally.
Very romantic phrasing.
Boy, you must be one hot honey.
Hey, hey, whoa. Take
it easy here. Listen.
It just so happens we got
a good thing going here
and I'm very proud of it.
And speaking of things going,
why don't you, Dave?
Yeah, maybe you oughta, Dave.
I'll talk to you later.
Ok. I'll come back
when you split up.
I've got about an hour to kill.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen.
I'm telling you this
is going to work out.
Hey, Sam, who
you talking to here?
You were a worse hound than me,
which makes you the
worst hound that ever was.
David, that has all changed now.
Some things never change.
You cannot give an
old leopard new stripes.
Why are we talking
to this person?
Hey, look, I don't have
anything against you personally.
I just want my old buddy back.
I say I can break you two up.
This time tomorrow,
Sam and I will be out
scouting those El feminitos.
Well, you're wrong.
There's no way.
And you're way out of line here.
24 hours, you two are bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Do you believe that?
I mean, that's ridiculous.
Sam... he can give us 24 hours,
24 days, 24 years.
We have transcendent time.
Right, right, but right now,
the important thing
is the next 24 hours.
Now, just to be on
the safe side here,
why don't we
not even get into a heated
discussion today, ok?
Sure, that's easy.
Good. I hope so.
The truth is
we have never gone
24 hours without a fight.
We most certainly have.
We haven't. Sam Malone...
All right, you're right.
You're right. You're right.
The important thing here now
is just no arguing,
no fighting...
No breakup.
I couldn't agree more.
Oh, Sam. Hey, listen.
Seeing as you're going
to be out of commission,
or so you say,
you think you could give me
the number of that Lydia chick
you used to keep for yourself?
You're impossible,
you know that?
Cliff, the book.
Ohh!
That still her number?
Come on, come on, come on, man.
You're smudging Judy
Wilson's number there.
Thanks, buddy.
See you, gang.
Oh, and, uh, moonbeam...
Seeing as you'll
be split up tomorrow
and you'll probably
likely be free,
so maybe you and I could...
I'd rather be staked
out on an ant hill naked.
You see, Sam, how they always
get the word naked in there?
Go on. Go on.
What a scuzzy, egotistical,
greasy, rotten sewer rat.
Cliff: Uh, you're right.
I think I'm in love.
You know, Diane,
I'm glad that jerk
came by today.
It's moments like that
that make me realize
what a good thing
we got going here.
Why do you still
have that thing?
What's that, babe?
The book.
Why are you keeping it?
Sweetheart...
This is my address book.
I've got emergency
numbers in this.
Ok.
What emergency service does
Wanda mendelsohn render?
She's an all-night plumber.
She's the only plumber in Boston
you have to go to her house.
Hey, Carla.
Sam, you have not
answered my question.
Why are you holding on to the
phone numbers of other women?
I'm not holding on to it.
I just haven't gotten
around to getting rid of it.
Fine. Then you won't
mind if I help you with that.
Cliff.
Cliff, you touched it!
I can see!
Normie, I can walk!
He's walking! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Cliff's walking!
He's walking! Hallelujah!
I'm just saying
it would be a
wonderful gesture to me
if you destroyed the book.
Are you nuts?
It took me years to
meet all these people.
And even longer
to alphabetize them.
All right!
I knew you'd bring this
around to stupid again.
Any argument with you
begins and ends with stupid.
Listen, you can
put up with this book
if I can put up with an
afternoon of paint splatters.
Paint splatters?
Sam, if brains were money,
you'd have to take out a loan
for a cup of coffee.
I got that. I got that one.
You're making
marvelous progress.
I'll tell you something...
I'll tell you something
that's not making
progress around here,
and that's you and me.
We can change
that in an instant.
Well, whatever, because
I'm keeping that book.
And you know where
you can keep it?
Right straight... Shh shh shh.
Under the pillow you
dream on, big guy.
Oh, Sam, got a minute?
Listen, I just wanted
to congratulate you
on your recent falling out
with miss chicken parts.
I suggest you take this
opportunity to make it permanent.
You know something,
Carla? Whenever we fight,
you just love to gloat.
Well, Sam, as a matter of fact,
I feel a little sad
about this one.
Why? I wasn't the cause of it.
Oh... maybe me and
Diane being together
just doesn't make any sense.
Oh, love, Sam,
who could explain it?
Fools would try.
Yeah, you're right, coach.
I've got this theory,
though, see...
Coach, could you take me home?
Ok, Carla.
You know, coach, every night,
you walk out of here
and you forget your keys.
You got 'em this time?
It's ok, Carla. I
got it all figured out.
I left them in the car.
Aren't you afraid
someone's going to steal it?
I locked the doors.
How are you gonna
get in without your keys?
I made a duplicate set.
Well, where are they, coach?
Holy mackerel.
Sam.
Carla, we've really
got to make a scramble.
Looks like rain.
Come on. I left
the windows open.
Just so I don't mistake this
for you being deep in thought
about how much you love me,
you're not talking to me, right?
I hate you with the white-hot
intensity of 1,000 suns.
♪ Somebody's cranky ♪
hold on. I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
As a gesture to put
all of this behind us,
I'm going to take
this book of mine...
Oh, I see, I see.
You're going to patch it up now
so you don't lose face
with your buddy Dave.
No, no. Forget about Dave.
I'm concerned
about us right now.
I'm going to take this book...
Which represents my
past, do you understand?
I'm going to rip up...
"X" through "z"
and all but one of "q."
You just don't
understand, do you?
I don't think there's
any more to say.
Well, girls, there he is.
Isn't he pretty?
What do you want, Dave?
Hey, Sam, was that
Diane I saw leaving?
Yeah. She had to go home early.
She has a few pictures
of me she wants to hang.
Yeah. Sam, I'm in a bind.
You don't look
too bad off to me.
The one on the left is Valerie
and the other one's didi.
I'm one over the limit.
I got to throw one back.
Can you take her off my hands?
Gimme a break
here. What, is this
part of your plan?
No. Come on. I'm asking
a favor from a buddy.
Look, ordinarily, I
wouldn't ask you,
but Valerie there
thinks I'm complex.
Need I say more?
Look, just see
that she gets home.
Oh, come on, Dave.
Give me a break.
Sam, will you just see
that she gets home, ok?
Thanks.
Valerie, what do you say
you and I just jump in
that davemobile, huh?
So...
Didi...
Where do you live?
Chicago.
Excuse me?
Chicago. It's in Illinois.
I know where Chicago
is. But I thought...
I'm just here overnight.
I'm a stewardess. I'm
at the Stafford hotel.
Oh.
Why don't you just
let me call you a cab?
Oh. Well... Ok.
Gee, Dave said
you were a fun guy.
I used to be a fun
guy before I met...
Before I met you.
Now I'm a really fun guy.
Great!
Stafford hotel? Yeah.
All right.
Normie, how come you're
not out with Arlene tonight?
Oh, gee, I am!
What?
Where are you gonna be?
I think we're at the circus.
No. That's tomorrow.
We're in a balcony somewhere.
I don't know.
Hey, coach. I thought it was
your turn to drive today.
Oh, did I forget to
pick you up, Carla?
Gee, I'm sorry, honey.
Look, I'll make it up to you.
It's ok.
No, no, no.
Tomorrow, you
forget to pick me up.
Coach, is Sam in yet?
No, he's not here, honey.
What's the matter? Feel a
case of the nags coming on?
I deserve that.
No. Actually, I wanted
to apologize to him.
I made too big a deal
of that address book.
But he was being
insensitive himself.
I guess I should learn
to control myself, huh?
I still think Sam was wrong!
Cheers.
Coach, that ringing
is in your head.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Coach, I don't blame
you for being confused.
My relationship with Sam
is making me a little crazy.
Aww. And you used
to be so together.
Oh, good, good.
Diane, you're here.
I got something
I want to tell you.
Sam, I'm really sorry the
way I reacted yesterday.
I had a miserable night...
It's ok. It's all
right. It's all right.
Yeah? Come on. I can't wait.
You're going to love this.
This is so good.
Well, great. I
can't wait, either.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
Coach, your
phone's ringing there.
No, no, cliff, it's in my head.
Oh, the big guy's chair, huh?
Tell me. Tell me.
Diane, last night I
took a beautiful woman
back to my place.
She was ready, willing and
able, you know what I mean,
and so was I.
We were right in the sack.
And then all of a sudden,
get this... I stopped.
I thought about you,
I thought about how
much you mean to me,
and I said, "didi,
I can't do this.
I got a chick."
What do you think,
about that, huh?
Well, I was expecting
a hug or a kiss,
but this is more
personal, I guess.
How could you?
Hey, Diane, this is good news.
This is good news?
You go to bed with another woman
and this is good news?
You're not getting
the big picture here.
I mean, this is the first time
I've never said no to a woman.
And she was a gorgeous woman.
I mean, there's not
a man in the world
who'd say no to her.
Not many women,
either, I'll tell you that.
Besides, at that
point, I mean, you and I
were as good as broken up.
The only thing as
good as broken up
is being broken up, and we are.
Oh, come on. Don't you see
what this means here?
Oh, damn it!
Hey, you two. Your
24 hours is about up.
Ooh, do I sense
tension in this room?
You know, that was really
a crummy thing you did,
pushing didi on me like that.
If Diane and I
didn't have such a...
Such a good thing going here,
that might have split us up.
Come on. You two?
Good thing going?
I get along better with my wife,
and we've exchanged gunfire.
David, you'll be very
happy to hear that...
Now, wait, wait.
Now, whatever Dave
hears, he'll hear from me.
I made a mistake
last night, Dave...
I almost made a mistake.
I've admitted this to Diane,
and now I'm telling her
that I'm finally convinced.
I mean, I'm crazy
about this woman.
She is the best thing going,
and I don't care
about anybody else,
and I'll tell you something.
I'm not gonna let
anything come between us.
Sam.
Well...
Oh, puke.
Dave, you're just gonna have to find
someone else to waste your evenings with
because I'm gonna
be wasting mine with
this little filly right here.
Oh, Sam.
Well, I know when I'm beat.
Hey, wait a second
here. I want you...
I want you to watch
me kiss my woman here.
You might learn
something. Come here.
Oh, that's great, Sam.
Yeah, didi said you were
the best kisser she'd ever had.
Really?
Oh! Aah!