Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 5 - Sumner's Return - full transcript
Diane's ex-fiancé, Sumner Sloan, returns to Cheers looking for Diane. He has come to apologize and suggests to Diane that they go out for dinner so that she can meet his wife Barbara. Diane reluctantly agrees, but when Sumner mentions that Diane is welcome to bring any significant person in her life to the dinner, she does not mention Sam. Finding this out, Sam is hurt and offended, thinking that Diane is ashamed of him, especially in the company of brutally intellectual Sumner. Although she does eventually agree to bring Sam along, he suddenly realizes that he has agreed to a dinner with three intellectuals and that he will come across looking like an idiot. Cliff suggests that a good conversation piece with English professor Sumner would be Tolstoy's massive novel War and Peace, so Sam has five days between now and dinner to read the novel. Staying up for five days and nights, Sam finishes the novel just prior to dinner, however the five sleepless nights has physically and mentally taken its toll on him. Despite his less than lucid state, Sam quickly realizes the purpose for the dinner, which ends up being his worse nightmare. Although Sam comes to the conclusion that the dinner's purpose may be the best outcome for all concerned, Diane may have some other ideas based on War and Peace.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Oh, hi.
I know you're
surprised to see me...
But let me tell you it's taken
every ounce of courage I have
to show my face in here today.
Oh, come on, we get a lot
of funny-looking faces in here.
You don't remember me, do you?
Uh...
I'm professor Sumner Sloane.
I came in several months
ago with Diane chambers,
and to my shame,
I deserted her here
to go back to my ex-wife.
What can I get for you?
A glass of white wine.
White wine.
Over dinner last night, a
mutual friend of ours informed me
that Diane works here.
Is that correct?
Gee, I don't know. I
wasn't at the dinner.
You slime.
You are a total scuzzball.
You're not fit to
live with sewer rats.
I can't defend myself.
Thank god. I thought
she was talking to me.
Making your way
in the world today
takes everything you've got
taking a break
from all your worries
sure would help a lot
wouldn't you like to get away
sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came
you wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same
you wanna be where
everybody knows your name
you wanna go where people know
people are all the same
you wanna go where
everybody knows your name
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Hey, I thought you guys
were at the baseball game.
We left in outrage.
They gave us a hard time,
asked us to change our seats.
Why'd they ask you
to change your seats?
Get this. We're
out in center field,
take off our shirts
to get some sun.
They said the glare off
norm was blinding the batters.
Can I help it if I
have alabaster skin?
It's all right, norm.
Baseball should be
played at night anyway.
Shh. Don't say anything!
Yaah!
Oh...
I killed him.
There's only one
thing that can save me.
Ah!
I kind of miss the good old days
when they threw up at
the sight of each other.
Hello, everyone.
Hey, guys, what's happening?
There's someone
waiting to see Diane
in the men's room.
Coach, sometimes
you get your participles
in the wrong place.
Well, I slept on my
stomach last night.
He's right, slats, you
do have company.
Aah!
Diane. Please.
He's very sensitive
about his face.
You said you'd be right back.
That was a year ago.
Well, you know,
that traffic in Boston...
Diane, I need to talk to you.
You have every right to say no,
but you've always
been one to listen
to another person's
point of view.
Sam, may Sumner
and I use your office
for a few minutes?
Of course.
Ici.
Don't worry about it, Sam.
I'm not worried.
There's no reason to be.
You and Diane have
a great thing going.
Besides, any girl who'd choose
that what's his name over you
would have to be crazy.
Oh, yeah.
Think he's got
her undressed yet?
I'm joking.
I'm joking.
Before you go on,
let me say first that
I've gotten over you.
So I hope for your sake
you didn't come here
to try to get me back.
I didn't.
Oh.
Good.
I'm still with Barbara,
but I want desperately to win
you back as a friend, Diane.
I haven't been able
to live with the thought
of someone in the
world hating me.
I don't hate you, Sumner.
I can't even stand the thought
if someone in the
world thinks I'm a...
A creep?
Well, you might have
to live with that one.
My god, even a
trace of your laughter
lights up a room.
Well, there are things about you
that I've missed, too.
Sumner, let's cut the crap.
"Cut the crap"?
What have they done
to you at this place?
Do you want to be forgiven?
You're forgiven.
Thank you, Diane.
Far more than I deserve.
Now, why don't we both
just go about our lives?
Well, I do have to
be running along.
I have a class shortly.
Here I think this thought?
What?
Let's have a dinner together...
The three of us.
I want you to know Barbara.
Oh, I don't want
to know Barbara.
If you want to understand
me in what I did to you,
you must know Barbara.
I'd feel very uncomfortable.
Oh, you wouldn't, Diane.
You two are sisters of the soul.
You have so much to share.
Please, Diane.
Do it for me...
For what was once
and always will be ours.
All right.
Splendid!
Oh. Are you seeing anyone now?
No.
There's no one you
want to bring along?
No.
Very well, just the three of us.
I'm looking forward to it.
Until then.
Not mad for your
decorator, Sam, old man.
Sam.
It's ok, it's all right. It
was just a warning shot.
Would you believe he
came in here thinking
he was just going to
apologize for everything.
Want me to punch
his lights out for you?
No. I think the best
thing for everyone now
is just to let it fade
from our memories.
You are the only one
in the world for me now.
Oh, Diane, I just remembered
my chaucer lecture Friday night.
Can you make it Saturday?
Um...
Sure.
Great. See you then.
Now before you get angry,
this can all be
explained very easily.
He wants me to
meet his wife Barbara.
It's an innocent dinner
for us to get acquainted.
I didn't want you
to worry about it,
so I told a little white lie.
One more thing, Diane.
Since you're not seeing anyone,
I know a young fellow in
the philosophy department
you might like.
No. Thank you.
As you wish.
This one's a little harder.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Sam, let me explain.
Sam, will you listen to me?
I'm tired of listening
to you, Diane.
You guys are just doing
this to get my hopes up, right?
You don't understand.
I didn't tell him
about us because
I didn't think it was
any of his business.
Oh yeah? Then how
come you lied to me, huh?
I...
I didn't lie to you.
I just didn't mention it.
There's a difference.
It's a subtle difference
at best, Diane.
Cliff!
I should have
mentioned it. I'm sorry.
Well, it's ok.
Hey, I'm not an idiot.
You didn't tell him about me
because you're ashamed of me.
You're afraid I'm going to
embarrass you or something.
I'm not ashamed of you.
Sam.
Sam!
Sam, you've got to understand.
I have always been
intimidated by that man myself.
He thinks everyone
is beneath him.
You make a mental
mistake around him,
he's merciless.
I was trying to protect you.
You're saying I'm too dumb
to associate with your friends
and I think that stinks.
Another thing.
You're as much of a snob
as he is, you know that?
You're right.
I'm going to call
Sumner right now
and tell him that you will
be my date Saturday night.
You're my fella...
And I'm proud of it, Sam.
Hey, Sammy! Yeah!
Great.
Great work, Sammy.
You just argued your way
into spending Saturday night
with three dianes.
She's right.
That Sumner guy is
a major brain, Sam.
He's an intellectual
pit bull, Sammy.
If he senses fear, he'll attack,
reduce you to a pile
of blubbering flesh
right in front of your
sweet pea there.
He does seem kind
of nasty, doesn't he?
Ooh, he's mean, Sam.
Yeah, but it's not
like I'm stupid, is it?
Oh, my god!
What am I doing here?
I'm going to look like an idiot.
Sam, it's going to be ok.
Just talk about something that
you know about and they don't.
Say, something
like your apartment.
Coach, I don't think
everyone's gonna want
to talk about my apartment.
Of course not.
They'd look stupid trying.
No. You know...
Diane's right.
I'm going to embarrass her.
Sammy, believe it or not,
I think I have a simple
solution to all this.
Look, he's a literature
professor, right?
Yeah, right.
War and peace is the
greatest novel ever written.
You read it between
now and Saturday,
drop a few comments over dinner,
you're off to the races.
War and peace,
this is a good book?
Oh yeah. Well, they
say the first 800 pages
are a little bit slow,
but it shoots right off...
Wait a second. What
are we talking about?
I've got five days.
How long is this book?
Well, I've delivered a
few for the book clubs
and it's about 3 1/2
pounds paperback.
Forget it, Sam.
Nobody can read
four ounces a day.
No, listen. If this is the
best book ever written,
then I'm going to read it.
Matter of fact, I'll
go get it right now.
What was the name again?
War and peace.
You have to write that down?
And misspell it?
The apartment,
Sam, the apartment.
[Knock on door]
Come in!
How you doing, Sammy?
Oh, it's you guys.
I thought it was Diane.
Turn on the lights, will you?
Hey. I never been
in here before.
Classy, Sam.
Sammy, you know where
I can get one of these?
You know, mother's
day is coming up.
Would you guys give me
just a few more minutes here?
I almost got it finished.
What time is it?
How many beers,
have I had, cliff?
11.
8:05.
They're going to
be here any minute.
Oh, god!
Cold coffee!
Do you know I've
been up five nights?
Ouch!
No, I feel great. I really do.
What did I stand up for?
Uh...
To hike up your shorts?
No.
Hey, Sam, the cheesehead's here.
Thank you, Carla.
Where's Diane?
She just went into
the ladies' room
with a tub of mascara
and a putty knife.
We're out of here, Sammy.
Night, Sammy.
Wait a second.
Either one of you guys
have two type b batteries?
Uh, I've got one.
Nah.
Sumner.
Ah, Diane.
Where's Barbara?
Barbara can't make
it tonight. She's ill.
Well, then we'll
make it another time.
Nonsense. I won't hear it.
We'll be poorer for her absence,
but richer when the check comes.
But the whole point
was for me to meet her.
Diane, she insists
that her frailty
not ruin the evening
for the rest of us.
Isn't she magnificent?
So I've heard.
Sam, if you want
to have fun tonight,
you'd better bring
along a yo-yo.
Guys, it's in the bag.
I finished it.
Sammy, shoes, shoes.
Thank you.
There he is.
Sam...
You didn't shave?
No, I needed a
new place to scratch.
Hey, where's your old lady?
Oh, Barbara's ill.
She won't be able to make it.
But, I assure you,
she'll be with us in spirit.
We have reservations
for 8:30 at marcon robaire.
Oh, wonderful! Oh, good!
Hey, you know, I am really
looking forward to this evening.
I've been waiting
for a long time
to sit down with this guy
and talk a little war and peace.
War and peace?
Oh, yeah. Great book.
Classic.
Please! I taught a Tolstoy
seminar for six years.
I vowed never to
discuss him again.
It is the most over-analyzed
novel ever written.
If you want to talk Tolstoy,
I've always thought
that Anna Karenina...
Thanks.
Smells like something good cooking
up there at old melville's today, huh?
Yeah, I wonder what it is, norm.
That would be cream of
watercress soup, coach...
Followed by baked mussels...
Lightly coated
with tarragon butter,
and topped off by...
A fine raspberry torte.
You know, fine
gourmet cooking is, uh,
truly one of the
greatest pleasures of life.
Absolutely.
Coach, what's the
expiration date on these?
Yesterday.
We'd better hurry.
Non, j'ai dit, "si vous
parlez lentement,
je peut vous comprendre."
Ah, Sam, how about
some after-dinner drinks?
Oh... english. I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.
What did you say?
After-dinner drinks?
Fine.
A cognac.
Deux.
Deux.
Deux.
How was dinner, Sammy?
Hi, Sam.
Great.
Great dinner.
Food was French.
Conversation was Greek.
I spent the whole
evening pretending
I knew what they
were talking about
nodding my head like an idiot.
I see.
Hey, uh, Sammy,
how about I throw the
scuzzball out of here?
Nah. Diane would be furious.
I was talking about Diane.
Sam, I don't think I'd leave
those two together for very long
if I were you.
Oh yeah, I haven't seen
Diane having so much fun
in a long time.
Thank you, fellas.
The only verifiable proof
of the existence of
a supreme being...
Oh, what are we
talking about here?
We're talking about god.
The only verifiable proof of the
existence of a supreme being...
What about god?
Well, it's rather involved.
Oh, that's ok. I like involved.
Fire away. Go ahead.
Sumner was just saying
the early mystics perceived god
without subjecting
him to tangible proof.
Well, you know what
I think about that?
What, Sam?
What is your problem?
I don't have... Yeah,
I do have a problem.
My problem is that I
have not been a part
of any conversation
that you've had tonight.
I tried several
times to include you.
No. No. No. I don't
think "wrong fork, Sam"
and "don't spit that out"
are my idea of conversation.
That's not fair, Sam.
I think we tried several
times to solicit your opinion,
but none was forthcoming.
Well, you know why that
was? Because I didn't have one.
What do you think of that?
Or maybe I had one
and I didn't want
to waste it on you.
What are you trying to say?
I'm not trying to say
anything. I'm saying it.
You know, you and
I are a joke, Diane.
You and Sumner are a joke, too,
but at least you're
the same joke.
I may be stupid
about a lot of things,
but I do know some things.
And I know when two
people do not belong together,
and you and I do
not belong together.
Sam, sit down.
You're creating a stir.
Hey, come on.
I know what's been
going on all evening.
I mean, this stuff about
Barbara being sick
is a bunch of baloney.
You just set it up here
to get your big fan back.
Well, you got her.
Way to go, guy.
Sam.
No, that's ok.
I see it all very clearly now.
I got you on the rebound.
You were just slumming
with me between ph.Ds.
Well, he's come
for you. Go with him.
I'll tell you
something else too.
Before I read war and
peace again in 5 days
just to impress some broad,
it's gonna be a
cold day in Minsk.
I have to apologize for Sam
for that totally
unfounded accusation.
No, Diane, he's more perceptive
than I gave him credit for.
What are you saying?
I did come back to see
if there might be one spark left
of that brilliant fire
that streaked across
the sky like a meteor.
Barbara and I had a
parting of the ways
several weeks ago.
So Sam was right.
Forget Sam. Isn't it
obvious after tonight
that you and I have
something special?
Diane, I may not be perfect.
Then again, I may.
The point is...
Can you honestly say
you belong more in
his world than in mine?
Ah, so you've come
to say goodbye,
or as the French say... ta ta.
No. I've come to tell you
that Sumner has gone.
He has?
Carla threw him out.
Oh, come on,
you don't mean to say that
you chose me over him?
I flipped a coin.
You let a coin decide this?
Yeah. I told Sumner
heads, I was going
to walk in here to you.
Tails, I was going
to run in here to you.
Well, you're nuts,
you know that?
I mean the guy is...
is brilliant, charming.
He's sophisticated.
Yeah, if you hurry, he's yours.
Why'd you pick me?
You read war and peace.
So did he.
You did it for me.
I think it was harder for you.
Call it a hunch.
It was no day at the
beach, I'll tell you.
Sam.
There's only one
thing more romantic
than you reading
war and peace for me.
What?
You reading war and peace to me.
Oh, yeah?
Well, it just so happens
that I have a copy right here.
Let's sit down right here,
and I'll read to you.
Oh, that's nice.
Here we go.
Let's go see the movie.
There's a movie?!
Cliff! I'll kill him!
Cliff! I'll kill him!
a live studio audience.
Oh, hi.
I know you're
surprised to see me...
But let me tell you it's taken
every ounce of courage I have
to show my face in here today.
Oh, come on, we get a lot
of funny-looking faces in here.
You don't remember me, do you?
Uh...
I'm professor Sumner Sloane.
I came in several months
ago with Diane chambers,
and to my shame,
I deserted her here
to go back to my ex-wife.
What can I get for you?
A glass of white wine.
White wine.
Over dinner last night, a
mutual friend of ours informed me
that Diane works here.
Is that correct?
Gee, I don't know. I
wasn't at the dinner.
You slime.
You are a total scuzzball.
You're not fit to
live with sewer rats.
I can't defend myself.
Thank god. I thought
she was talking to me.
Making your way
in the world today
takes everything you've got
taking a break
from all your worries
sure would help a lot
wouldn't you like to get away
sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came
you wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same
you wanna be where
everybody knows your name
you wanna go where people know
people are all the same
you wanna go where
everybody knows your name
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Hey, I thought you guys
were at the baseball game.
We left in outrage.
They gave us a hard time,
asked us to change our seats.
Why'd they ask you
to change your seats?
Get this. We're
out in center field,
take off our shirts
to get some sun.
They said the glare off
norm was blinding the batters.
Can I help it if I
have alabaster skin?
It's all right, norm.
Baseball should be
played at night anyway.
Shh. Don't say anything!
Yaah!
Oh...
I killed him.
There's only one
thing that can save me.
Ah!
I kind of miss the good old days
when they threw up at
the sight of each other.
Hello, everyone.
Hey, guys, what's happening?
There's someone
waiting to see Diane
in the men's room.
Coach, sometimes
you get your participles
in the wrong place.
Well, I slept on my
stomach last night.
He's right, slats, you
do have company.
Aah!
Diane. Please.
He's very sensitive
about his face.
You said you'd be right back.
That was a year ago.
Well, you know,
that traffic in Boston...
Diane, I need to talk to you.
You have every right to say no,
but you've always
been one to listen
to another person's
point of view.
Sam, may Sumner
and I use your office
for a few minutes?
Of course.
Ici.
Don't worry about it, Sam.
I'm not worried.
There's no reason to be.
You and Diane have
a great thing going.
Besides, any girl who'd choose
that what's his name over you
would have to be crazy.
Oh, yeah.
Think he's got
her undressed yet?
I'm joking.
I'm joking.
Before you go on,
let me say first that
I've gotten over you.
So I hope for your sake
you didn't come here
to try to get me back.
I didn't.
Oh.
Good.
I'm still with Barbara,
but I want desperately to win
you back as a friend, Diane.
I haven't been able
to live with the thought
of someone in the
world hating me.
I don't hate you, Sumner.
I can't even stand the thought
if someone in the
world thinks I'm a...
A creep?
Well, you might have
to live with that one.
My god, even a
trace of your laughter
lights up a room.
Well, there are things about you
that I've missed, too.
Sumner, let's cut the crap.
"Cut the crap"?
What have they done
to you at this place?
Do you want to be forgiven?
You're forgiven.
Thank you, Diane.
Far more than I deserve.
Now, why don't we both
just go about our lives?
Well, I do have to
be running along.
I have a class shortly.
Here I think this thought?
What?
Let's have a dinner together...
The three of us.
I want you to know Barbara.
Oh, I don't want
to know Barbara.
If you want to understand
me in what I did to you,
you must know Barbara.
I'd feel very uncomfortable.
Oh, you wouldn't, Diane.
You two are sisters of the soul.
You have so much to share.
Please, Diane.
Do it for me...
For what was once
and always will be ours.
All right.
Splendid!
Oh. Are you seeing anyone now?
No.
There's no one you
want to bring along?
No.
Very well, just the three of us.
I'm looking forward to it.
Until then.
Not mad for your
decorator, Sam, old man.
Sam.
It's ok, it's all right. It
was just a warning shot.
Would you believe he
came in here thinking
he was just going to
apologize for everything.
Want me to punch
his lights out for you?
No. I think the best
thing for everyone now
is just to let it fade
from our memories.
You are the only one
in the world for me now.
Oh, Diane, I just remembered
my chaucer lecture Friday night.
Can you make it Saturday?
Um...
Sure.
Great. See you then.
Now before you get angry,
this can all be
explained very easily.
He wants me to
meet his wife Barbara.
It's an innocent dinner
for us to get acquainted.
I didn't want you
to worry about it,
so I told a little white lie.
One more thing, Diane.
Since you're not seeing anyone,
I know a young fellow in
the philosophy department
you might like.
No. Thank you.
As you wish.
This one's a little harder.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Sam, let me explain.
Sam, will you listen to me?
I'm tired of listening
to you, Diane.
You guys are just doing
this to get my hopes up, right?
You don't understand.
I didn't tell him
about us because
I didn't think it was
any of his business.
Oh yeah? Then how
come you lied to me, huh?
I...
I didn't lie to you.
I just didn't mention it.
There's a difference.
It's a subtle difference
at best, Diane.
Cliff!
I should have
mentioned it. I'm sorry.
Well, it's ok.
Hey, I'm not an idiot.
You didn't tell him about me
because you're ashamed of me.
You're afraid I'm going to
embarrass you or something.
I'm not ashamed of you.
Sam.
Sam!
Sam, you've got to understand.
I have always been
intimidated by that man myself.
He thinks everyone
is beneath him.
You make a mental
mistake around him,
he's merciless.
I was trying to protect you.
You're saying I'm too dumb
to associate with your friends
and I think that stinks.
Another thing.
You're as much of a snob
as he is, you know that?
You're right.
I'm going to call
Sumner right now
and tell him that you will
be my date Saturday night.
You're my fella...
And I'm proud of it, Sam.
Hey, Sammy! Yeah!
Great.
Great work, Sammy.
You just argued your way
into spending Saturday night
with three dianes.
She's right.
That Sumner guy is
a major brain, Sam.
He's an intellectual
pit bull, Sammy.
If he senses fear, he'll attack,
reduce you to a pile
of blubbering flesh
right in front of your
sweet pea there.
He does seem kind
of nasty, doesn't he?
Ooh, he's mean, Sam.
Yeah, but it's not
like I'm stupid, is it?
Oh, my god!
What am I doing here?
I'm going to look like an idiot.
Sam, it's going to be ok.
Just talk about something that
you know about and they don't.
Say, something
like your apartment.
Coach, I don't think
everyone's gonna want
to talk about my apartment.
Of course not.
They'd look stupid trying.
No. You know...
Diane's right.
I'm going to embarrass her.
Sammy, believe it or not,
I think I have a simple
solution to all this.
Look, he's a literature
professor, right?
Yeah, right.
War and peace is the
greatest novel ever written.
You read it between
now and Saturday,
drop a few comments over dinner,
you're off to the races.
War and peace,
this is a good book?
Oh yeah. Well, they
say the first 800 pages
are a little bit slow,
but it shoots right off...
Wait a second. What
are we talking about?
I've got five days.
How long is this book?
Well, I've delivered a
few for the book clubs
and it's about 3 1/2
pounds paperback.
Forget it, Sam.
Nobody can read
four ounces a day.
No, listen. If this is the
best book ever written,
then I'm going to read it.
Matter of fact, I'll
go get it right now.
What was the name again?
War and peace.
You have to write that down?
And misspell it?
The apartment,
Sam, the apartment.
[Knock on door]
Come in!
How you doing, Sammy?
Oh, it's you guys.
I thought it was Diane.
Turn on the lights, will you?
Hey. I never been
in here before.
Classy, Sam.
Sammy, you know where
I can get one of these?
You know, mother's
day is coming up.
Would you guys give me
just a few more minutes here?
I almost got it finished.
What time is it?
How many beers,
have I had, cliff?
11.
8:05.
They're going to
be here any minute.
Oh, god!
Cold coffee!
Do you know I've
been up five nights?
Ouch!
No, I feel great. I really do.
What did I stand up for?
Uh...
To hike up your shorts?
No.
Hey, Sam, the cheesehead's here.
Thank you, Carla.
Where's Diane?
She just went into
the ladies' room
with a tub of mascara
and a putty knife.
We're out of here, Sammy.
Night, Sammy.
Wait a second.
Either one of you guys
have two type b batteries?
Uh, I've got one.
Nah.
Sumner.
Ah, Diane.
Where's Barbara?
Barbara can't make
it tonight. She's ill.
Well, then we'll
make it another time.
Nonsense. I won't hear it.
We'll be poorer for her absence,
but richer when the check comes.
But the whole point
was for me to meet her.
Diane, she insists
that her frailty
not ruin the evening
for the rest of us.
Isn't she magnificent?
So I've heard.
Sam, if you want
to have fun tonight,
you'd better bring
along a yo-yo.
Guys, it's in the bag.
I finished it.
Sammy, shoes, shoes.
Thank you.
There he is.
Sam...
You didn't shave?
No, I needed a
new place to scratch.
Hey, where's your old lady?
Oh, Barbara's ill.
She won't be able to make it.
But, I assure you,
she'll be with us in spirit.
We have reservations
for 8:30 at marcon robaire.
Oh, wonderful! Oh, good!
Hey, you know, I am really
looking forward to this evening.
I've been waiting
for a long time
to sit down with this guy
and talk a little war and peace.
War and peace?
Oh, yeah. Great book.
Classic.
Please! I taught a Tolstoy
seminar for six years.
I vowed never to
discuss him again.
It is the most over-analyzed
novel ever written.
If you want to talk Tolstoy,
I've always thought
that Anna Karenina...
Thanks.
Smells like something good cooking
up there at old melville's today, huh?
Yeah, I wonder what it is, norm.
That would be cream of
watercress soup, coach...
Followed by baked mussels...
Lightly coated
with tarragon butter,
and topped off by...
A fine raspberry torte.
You know, fine
gourmet cooking is, uh,
truly one of the
greatest pleasures of life.
Absolutely.
Coach, what's the
expiration date on these?
Yesterday.
We'd better hurry.
Non, j'ai dit, "si vous
parlez lentement,
je peut vous comprendre."
Ah, Sam, how about
some after-dinner drinks?
Oh... english. I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.
What did you say?
After-dinner drinks?
Fine.
A cognac.
Deux.
Deux.
Deux.
How was dinner, Sammy?
Hi, Sam.
Great.
Great dinner.
Food was French.
Conversation was Greek.
I spent the whole
evening pretending
I knew what they
were talking about
nodding my head like an idiot.
I see.
Hey, uh, Sammy,
how about I throw the
scuzzball out of here?
Nah. Diane would be furious.
I was talking about Diane.
Sam, I don't think I'd leave
those two together for very long
if I were you.
Oh yeah, I haven't seen
Diane having so much fun
in a long time.
Thank you, fellas.
The only verifiable proof
of the existence of
a supreme being...
Oh, what are we
talking about here?
We're talking about god.
The only verifiable proof of the
existence of a supreme being...
What about god?
Well, it's rather involved.
Oh, that's ok. I like involved.
Fire away. Go ahead.
Sumner was just saying
the early mystics perceived god
without subjecting
him to tangible proof.
Well, you know what
I think about that?
What, Sam?
What is your problem?
I don't have... Yeah,
I do have a problem.
My problem is that I
have not been a part
of any conversation
that you've had tonight.
I tried several
times to include you.
No. No. No. I don't
think "wrong fork, Sam"
and "don't spit that out"
are my idea of conversation.
That's not fair, Sam.
I think we tried several
times to solicit your opinion,
but none was forthcoming.
Well, you know why that
was? Because I didn't have one.
What do you think of that?
Or maybe I had one
and I didn't want
to waste it on you.
What are you trying to say?
I'm not trying to say
anything. I'm saying it.
You know, you and
I are a joke, Diane.
You and Sumner are a joke, too,
but at least you're
the same joke.
I may be stupid
about a lot of things,
but I do know some things.
And I know when two
people do not belong together,
and you and I do
not belong together.
Sam, sit down.
You're creating a stir.
Hey, come on.
I know what's been
going on all evening.
I mean, this stuff about
Barbara being sick
is a bunch of baloney.
You just set it up here
to get your big fan back.
Well, you got her.
Way to go, guy.
Sam.
No, that's ok.
I see it all very clearly now.
I got you on the rebound.
You were just slumming
with me between ph.Ds.
Well, he's come
for you. Go with him.
I'll tell you
something else too.
Before I read war and
peace again in 5 days
just to impress some broad,
it's gonna be a
cold day in Minsk.
I have to apologize for Sam
for that totally
unfounded accusation.
No, Diane, he's more perceptive
than I gave him credit for.
What are you saying?
I did come back to see
if there might be one spark left
of that brilliant fire
that streaked across
the sky like a meteor.
Barbara and I had a
parting of the ways
several weeks ago.
So Sam was right.
Forget Sam. Isn't it
obvious after tonight
that you and I have
something special?
Diane, I may not be perfect.
Then again, I may.
The point is...
Can you honestly say
you belong more in
his world than in mine?
Ah, so you've come
to say goodbye,
or as the French say... ta ta.
No. I've come to tell you
that Sumner has gone.
He has?
Carla threw him out.
Oh, come on,
you don't mean to say that
you chose me over him?
I flipped a coin.
You let a coin decide this?
Yeah. I told Sumner
heads, I was going
to walk in here to you.
Tails, I was going
to run in here to you.
Well, you're nuts,
you know that?
I mean the guy is...
is brilliant, charming.
He's sophisticated.
Yeah, if you hurry, he's yours.
Why'd you pick me?
You read war and peace.
So did he.
You did it for me.
I think it was harder for you.
Call it a hunch.
It was no day at the
beach, I'll tell you.
Sam.
There's only one
thing more romantic
than you reading
war and peace for me.
What?
You reading war and peace to me.
Oh, yeah?
Well, it just so happens
that I have a copy right here.
Let's sit down right here,
and I'll read to you.
Oh, that's nice.
Here we go.
Let's go see the movie.
There's a movie?!
Cliff! I'll kill him!
Cliff! I'll kill him!