Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 18 - Snow Job - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience

here's your mail.

Oh, thanks.

I'm afraid they're all bills.

I'll give them to bill the
moment he comes in.

That's pretty funny.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, hold on there, sport.

Yeah?

As you can see,

I'm wearing the
colors myself here.



As a veteran postal carrier,

I can only say I'm both
shocked and dismayed.

Sir?

Department policy
regarding the uniform

states in part, and I quote,

"uniform shirt shall be
buttoned up to, and including,

the second button from
the collar of said shirt."

You're letting us down, son.

I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't mean any harm.

It's all right, son.

I was green once, too.

You'll make it.

Thank you, sir.



I'll try to do better.

Carry on, son.

Here's your beer, cliff.

"Cliff"? Say, uh...

You're not by any
chance cliff clavin?

Sure am. You heard of me?

Your name is a symbol
around our branch office.

Is that right?

Yeah. Like, just the
other day, I messed up,

and my supervisor told me

to get my head out of my clavin.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Damn.

What's wrong?

That was Ann Marie's teacher.

She said she's going
to have to hold her back.

Oh, that's too bad, Carla.

Don't worry about it, Carla.

It's just as bad
to skip a grade.

You skipped a grade?

I skipped four.

High school, I
think they called it.

Well, Carla, I hope
being held back

isn't going to be too
traumatic for Ann Marie.

Nah, she's been held
back twice already.

In her class picture,
she looks like snow white.

Hey, coach, set me up
with another beer, please.

Where's normie, Carla?

I've got a great
story to tell him.

Ain't my job to keep tabs

on the walking beer keg.

Besides, who cares
about your stupid story?

Yeah, thank you, Carla.

Coach, if you serve
the beer any slower,

it's gonna be vinegar
before I quaff it.

Didn't I tell you, cliff?

I'm on the verge of setting
a new monthly record

for fewest glasses broken.

That's good. How close are you?

I just have to
make it to midnight

without breaking seven glasses.

[Glass doesn't break]

Oh, holy quixote, coach,

there must be at least four
inches of feathers down there.

Six inches, cliffo.

You can't be too careful

when you're going for a record.

Coach, never thought I'd
see you working with a net.

And you never will.

Hi, honey.

So the camel says,

uh-uh, pal, you
get your own date.

Evening, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

What's shaking, norm?

All four cheeks and
a couple of chins.

What will it be?

I'll take a pitcher.

How about you, George?

Who's your funny friend here?

Oh, sorry. Cliff
clavin, George foley.

Pleasure.

We ran into each other
down at unemployment.

What line of work you
out of now, George?

I was a tree surgeon.

I had to quit

because I fainted
at sight the of sap.

In fact, I'm getting a
little woozy right now.

Yeah, very humorous, huh?

Hey, norm, heard a great joke

down by the sorting machine...

Can this wait? George claims
he can run the table on me

before I get my
cue stick chalked.

Put your money where
your mouth is, big guy.

I tried it once, but
the bills got soggy.

I like that guy,
cliff. He's funny.

Coach, the rest of us
are laughing out of pity

at the man's ugliness.

He looks like one of
those grotesque creatures

you might find in a cave

20 miles beneath
the surface of the sea.

Come to think of it, he
didn't say where he was from.

You know what I hate
about working here?

I know what I hate
about working here,

but it couldn't be
the same thing.

Coach, 2 vodka
rocks. 2 vodka rocks.

We never get the holidays off.

It's George Washington's
birthday weekend,

and we're all going
to be stuck here.

Sam won't.

This is when he goes
away on his ski trip.

What ski trip?

He and his baseball
cronies go up to Vermont

the same week every year.

They rent a chalet,

go skiing, and melt
a few snow bunnies.

Been doing it for years.

Of course, he
won't do it this year.

Why not?

Because he's involved
with me now, Carla.

I know,

but I still believe in
the old Sam Malone.

I say he's still got
some hair on his butt.

Perhaps, Carla, your
desperate observations

accurately reflect
the relationship

between men and women
in the demimonde you inhabit,

but, for those of
us who no longer

scrape our knuckles on
the ground when we walk...

Your views are
incredibly primitive.

Says you.

Oh, Sam, listen...

Sam, what's the matter?

Oh...

I just got a call

from my aunt
Alice this afternoon.

Uncle Nathan died yesterday.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

What a shame, Sam.
Was he sick long?

No, coach.

He was hit by a bus.

Well, that's comforting.

Honey, I'm going to
have to leave right now.

I've got to go to Vermont.

The funeral's up there.

Did you say Vermont?

Yeah.

My condolences in
your time of sorrow.

Oh, thank you, Carla.

I was talking to Diane.

Where in Vermont?

Uh... stowe.

Stowe.

Isn't that a ski resort?

I think there is one
nearby there. Yeah.

I got to leave right now.

I'm going to be gone a
couple of days, honey.

Oh, this whole
thing... I don't know.

Sam, you must have been
very close with your uncle.

Oh, yeah. Very, very close.

Well, I think I
should come along.

I should be with
you at a time like this.

No, no. I think it would
be too depressing for you.

Anyway, I'm gonna be
staying in my aunt's house.

She doesn't believe in unmarried
couples sleeping together.

We don't have to sleep together.

Why would you be coming then?

To support you emotionally
through this tragedy.

Oh, that.

You are so sweet.

I just don't think
it's a good idea.

Oh, coach.

Yeah, honey.

Sam says his uncle
Nathan up in Vermont

just died.

Yep, he sure did.

Do you believe that?

Of course.

They wouldn't make
funeral arrangements

if the man wasn't dead.

I think they got
a test for that.

Hey, coach, come on.

Why don't you tell
Diane the truth?

There is no uncle Nathan.

Well, right, Sam's
accepted it, so we all have to.

That guy is good.

Made me look like a
big dope out there, cliffy.

Oh, yeah? What did
he do, turn the lights on?

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Let me tell
you that great story...

Uh, norm,

we got to get going or we're
gonna catch the opening face-off.

Right. We're going
to the islanders game.

George has bruins
season tickets.

Oh, yeah? Right smack
in the middle, huh?

I hope you guys
have a good time.

You got plenty to
laugh about, right?

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, I hope you catch a puck...

Right in your clavin.

Ok, honey.

I'll call you in a
couple days, ok?

Please convey my
sympathy to your aunt.

Oh, I will.

Thank you. That's very sweet.

Ok. Bye-bye.

Oh, Sam.

Yeah?

How long were your aunt

and uncle Nathan married?

How long?

Uh... 50, 40, 50 years.

I don't know.

My, my.

Must be very hard on her.

Oh, yeah. Oh, just imagine.

Ok, I'm off now.

Do you know what the secret

of a long-lasting
relationship is?

Uh, no, I don't.

I'll think about it
as I drive along, ok?

It's honesty, Sam.

Once honesty
leaves a relationship,

the relationship is
over, finished, empty.

For example, if one of us
were to lie to the other now,

it would be a crime of the
soul, a death of the spirit.

Our lives would be
diminished beyond redemption.

Diane, this is not one of the
world's great good-byes here.

Of course. You better go.

Be careful, huh?

There will probably be a
lot of skiers on the road.

You know how
careless and insensitive

people on their way to
a ski weekend can be.

Ok. Ok.

You're hanging by
your fingernails, honey.

He'll be back before
last call tonight.

Ha ha ha!

You don't believe
her either, huh, coach?

Ha ha ha!

No, Carla. I got
feathers in my shoes.

I don't know how a chicken

keeps a straight face.

Coach, I need a draft.

One draft coming up.

Oh, careful.

Remember the record, coach.

Carla, the record's in the bag.

I got less than four hours

and five glasses to go.

Yeah, don't get cocky.

Carla, I can't lose.

I've never broken five
glasses in four hours in my life.

Here, watch this.

[Glass breaks]

Coach, you swept
out the feathers.

Carla, feathers
are for chickens.

Here.

[Glass breaks]

All right, you made your point.

I made my point, Carla?

Watch this.

[Glass breaks]

Whoops.

Coach, you know you're
only two away now.

Two away, Carla? You
know what I think of two away?

What? Scares the hell out of me.

Hey coach, you want
to give me another drink?

Ok, cliffo.

So what's your problem,
droopy drawers?

You've been moping
around here all night

like a junior high school girl

that broke up with her steady.

I'm not moping,
Carla. I'm not moping.

This has been a little
quiet time by myself.

That's what a man is...

Solitary, strong, independent.

Ever hear of the
lone wolf, Carla?

Lone wolf, c'est moi.

A man alone needing on one.

I touch no one, and
no one touches me.

I'm a rock. I'm an island.

Evening, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

Beer, normie?

Uh, coach, I don't know.

I had one this week.

What the heck, I'm young.

So, who won the hockey game?

Bruins, 8-7 in overtime.

Ooh, a real yawner, huh?

So, uh, where's Rudy kazoody?

George?

Yeah.

That guy turned
out to be a real jerk.

He saw some friends
of his at the game, right?

End of the first period,
he goes and sits with them,

leaves me there.

Well, that happens, norm.

You know, friend
turns against friend.

Yeah, I guess so.

What do you say
we shoot some pool?

What? You want to
shoot pool with me?

Hey, everybody,

norm's asked me to
shoot pool with him.

Do I have time to
get down on my knees

and thank the very god I pray to

that you have selected me?

Ok, but hurry. I don't have...

Norm, I just hope that
I can be as delightful

and effervescent a companion

as you're used to.

Ok, this is, like,
sarcasm, right?

Yeah, you're a real tack, norm.

Cliffie, I understand
how you feel.

You're not second best, pal.

You're aces.

All right.

Cliff, I'd be honored

if you'd shoot some
pool with me, all right?

Come on. Really.

Well... yeah, all right...

Hey, norm, where were you?

Georgie, my man!

I looked all over
the garden for you.

All right, go bruins.

Yay!

Boof! Boof! Boof!

The crowder brothers! Bam!

Come on, let's go get a burger.

I know where they're
the best in town.

All right. Scarf city.

Ohh.

Uh, George...

On second thought,
I don't think I'll go.

You sure? Yeah, I'm not too...

Ok. Norm, whatever
you say. I'll go alone.

Best burgers in
town you say, huh?

Absolutely.

Boy, I'd love a good burger.

Glad to hear it.

You were going to go
with him, weren't you?

With that jerk?

I was just trying to
get his hopes up there.

So, what do you say we go
back there shoot some stick?

All right, only if
you do that trick

where you jam the
cues up your nostrils

and make like a walrus.

Oh, right. I got
a new twist on it.

I get the fat ends in there now.

Oh, ho, ok.

The fat end you say, huh?

Gee, we're almost out of olives.

I wonder if Sam ordered any.

Gee, coach, why
don't you just ask him?

Why, where's Sam?

Well, I thought that you said

Sam was coming tonight, Diane.

He is, Carla.

He's probably just
coming around the corner,

right down the
stairs at this moment.

Then I should hurry right
over there and greet him,

open the door for
my boss on his return.

Hello there, Sam!

Hi, Carla.

Ski weekend, right? Huh?

What?

Come on, I was three miles
away from my aunt's house,

three miles,

and all of a sudden
it came to me.

Ski weekend, huh? Am I right?

Sorry, Sam, I'm
a little confused.

What ski weekend?

Oh, come on, somebody
probably told you

that I used to go skiing with
my buddies on this weekend.

Now that you mention it,

I believe Carla said
something about that.

I knew it. I knew it!

Two drafts.

And all of a sudden,
because of that,

you decide that I'm lying
about my uncle Nathan.

Well, for a moment there,

I was a trifle suspicious.

That is totally,
totally silly, honey.

That ski weekend
is part of my past.

Hey, come on,

what kind of guy with a
swell chick like yourself

would go fool around?

Anyway, even when I
was on that ski weekend,

I didn't fool around that much.

So even if I were,

I wouldn't be doing it
as much as you think.

And I'm not, so
it's even less...

Or none.

So... you feel ok now?

I was never not ok.

You weren't? Great. Great.

Boy, what a silly
misunderstanding this was.

Sam.

What?

There was never a
misunderstanding.

I knew the truth the whole time.

Well, that's
great. That's great.

Well, I'm off again.

Ok.

If you were going to
lie about this weekend,

you certainly would have
come up with something

a lot smarter than this
uncle's funeral thing.

What do you mean by that?

I could check on it in a minute.

All I have to do is call
up the local newspaper

and ask them to check on their
death notices for the last few days.

Oh, yeah, of course.
Everybody knows that.

Ok, well, I got to skedaddle.

I got a funeral waiting for me.

Don't we all?

Well, slats, you blew it again.

This time he's gone.

He'll be back within the hour.

Damn tropical drinks.

Gee, coach, it's too
bad about the record.

We were really
pulling for you, coach.

Yeah, and I came so close,

but don't worry
about it, everybody.

I still got a personal
record I'm very proud of.

What's that?

11 consecutive days
without starting a major fire.

Diane...

It's almost closing time.

You said that Sam would be back

before closing time.

Damn!

Ok, let's you and me
stop playing games, huh?

Alms, alms for the dink.

Poor devil.

Hey, would you just leave
me alone, please, all of you?

You know, I was almost
all the way up there this time

before it hit me...

You don't believe me.

I know it. You don't believe me.

I think that is
rotten, really rotten.

Ohh!

Sam, I've never
seen you like this.

You're acting crazy.

And it's so late now,

you're even going to miss
your uncle's funeral tomorrow.

Just tell me do you
expect me to enjoy a funeral

when you're making
me nuts like this?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Like hell you don't.

Every time I walk
through that door,

you say some little thing to make
me drive all the way back down.

I've been on that
road so many times

they've changed the sign to
"welcome to Vermont, Sam."

What are you accusing me of?

I'm accusing you

of accusing me of being a liar.

I mean, all that crap about
calling the newspaper,

you just said that to
get me crazy, huh?

You and I both know that
you wouldn't make that call,

would you?

Would you?

You did it!

Oh, god, you called them!

I can't believe it!

Now, you know
there's no funeral.

There's no Nathan Malone.

What a stupid name, Nathan.

I shouldn't have said Nathan!

Sam.

Sam.

What?

I didn't call.

You didn't?

No.

Well, then, I
look like an idiot.

No argument there.

Ok, ha!

Ok, ok, all right, all right,

I better tell you the truth.

That would be nice.

Diane... I work for
the government.

What are you talking about?

I'm on a top secret
mission for my country.

You are an idiot.

No, no, that's just my cover.

Well, come on, you've been
playing games with me all day, too.

You're right. Don't you
think you deserve it?

Deserve it? You know,
you're talking to me

like a mother
talks to her child.

Don't you think you've
been acting like a child?

Don't use that tone of voice
on me. I hate that. Don't.

What tone is that, Sam?

That one right there!

I hate it!

Ok, fine.

Here's a different tone.

You, slime! What?

How dare you
lie to me like that!

I had to lie to you.
Are you kidding me?

You made me lie to you.

Oh, oh.

Ok, all right, just tell me,
what would you have said

if I came up and said,
"honey, I want to go

on a semi-harmless ski
weekend with my buddies"?

That's it. I've had enough.

I don't care what you do.

I just don't want to have look

at your big flabby face anymore.

You can fool around with
every woman in Vermont.

I don't care.

Is that a fact? Well,
I'll tell you something,

that's exactly, exactly
what I'm going to do.

I'm going on my ski weekend

and I'm gonna have
every girl in Vermont,

even the bowsers.

Go, by all means, go.

Have all new
england for all I care.

Maybe I'll just do that.

Just mull this over

on your ride up to paradise.

There happens to be a
certain box boy at my market.

A sinewy youth who always
wants to carry my bags,

if you know what I mean.

Perhaps, just perhaps,
I'll go there tomorrow

and not demur at his subtle,

yet, oh, so
unequivocal advances.

Ha ha!

Yeah, you do that, Diane,

and I'll try real
hard to give a damn.

Holy mackerel.

I forgot to ask him
about the olives.

Don't worry, he'll be
back in 10 minutes.

I say five, Carla.

Maybe even sooner.

A box boy?