Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 17 - Fortune and Men's Weight - full transcript

Carla has everyone convinced that the bar's new fortune-telling machine can predict the future. But does that include Diane's fortune that seems to indicate that her relationship with Sam could be in trouble?

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

How does a beer sound, norm?

I don't know, coach.

I usually finish them
before they get a word in.

Hey, uh, norm. Aren't
you a little dressed up

just to come here and
suck on taps all night?

Cliffie, if you must know,

I have other plans
for this evening.

I have a date.



Oooohhh!

A date! Who is it?

I don't know. It's a blind date.

Uh, uh dangerous. Dangerous.

Walking into a
minefield there, boy.

No. No. No. A friend
of mine set us up.

He assures me the
woman's perfect for me.

That's what they all say.

Uh, let me guess... Said
she had good table manners,

great personality, and
excellent posture, right?

Sure, they always
make it sound good.

As a matter of fact,

cliffie, he told me that
she was easy on the eyes.

You're a dead man, norm.



♪ Makin' your way in the world
today takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're
always glad you came

♪ you wanna be where you can see

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go where people know

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Whoa, whoa.

Where do you want it?

Want what?

Wait. Whoa. Whoa. Wait
a second. I didn't order that.

Cheers, right?

Yeah.

Coach, did you buy this?

No, not me, Sam.

You got your name
here on the invoice.

It's got to be some
kind of mistake.

Why would I buy a crate?

It's an antique scale, coach.

Oh, yeah. I bought
the scale, Sam.

But gee, now that I look at
it, I'm kind of disappointed.

Mister, we're in a
hurry. Can you sign it?

Yeah. Yeah... Coach,
why did you do this?

I've told you a hundred times...

Please, don't buy anything for the
bar without checking with me first.

Gee, I'm sorry, Sam.

That salesman... I
just couldn't resist him.

I mean, he had a way about him.

One of those fast talkers?

No. No. No. No. Was a big tall
skinny guy, you know, with a beard...

Reminded me of
somebody in history...

A president...

That guy who freed the slaves.

Abraham Lincoln?

That's it. Only this guy,
he wasn't nice at all.

As a matter of fact,
he was kind of mean.

He reminded me

of that little guy in
Germany with the mustache.

World war ii.

Adolf Hitler?

Don't play trivia with this guy.

Coach, you mean
this guy was a cross

between Abraham
Lincoln and Hitler?

Normie, I don't know.

I just want to tell you,
he was strange, normie.

He was all dressed in black,

and his eyes shined like coals.

And he had this deep
voice, and he said to me,

"zis scale vill not only
tell you your veight,

but it will tell
you your destiny!"

He had an accent.

No.

Then why did you say it like

"your veight" and
"your destiny?"

Just a little color, Carla.

Well, whatever.
I'm calling this it.

Oh, Sam. Isn't you
curiosity peeked?

I'd like to see
what it looks like.

Yeah. And that destiny
thing must mean it's

one of those scales
that tells your fortunes.

Oh, all right, go on. Open it.

Oh, goody.

But I'm still sending it back.

Coach, give Norman
a screwdriver please.

Hey, whoa. Diane, I
got a big date here.

I don't want to get pits.

Oh, come on, it
won't be that hard.

It's all right, norm.

We'll stop you before
your shoes get squishy.

Well, now, let me give
you an opening hint

from a guy who's opened
a lot of these rascals, here.

If you smack this baby right
about here, I think, normie.

It'll open up like a big walnut.

That's the epicenter of
the fulcrum, as I remember.

You better step back, here, Diane. This
thing will sheer your kneecaps right off.

Cliffie!

Cliff, are you all right?

I can't find my shoes, Clyde.

I think the dog got them.

Come back here. Here we go.

There you go.

There you go.

Let's get her out.

Whoooo!

Whoa! Ain't that nice?

Sam, I like it. Can we
keep it? Can we keep it?

Well I'm afraid we're
going to have to.

The number's been disconnected
and there's no new number.

The guy's obviously
a con man, coach.

I knew it. I knew he was a conman
the minute I laid eyes on him.

Well, as a collector
of antiques I think the

scale might someday be
worth what you paid for it.

Or a fraction thereof.

Sam, that salesman also said...

He said, "zis scale is
not being made anymore,

and zis one was in a
zeller for over 40 years."

Coach, you shouldn't
have bought it.

Well, this has been fun, but I
got to get going on my blind date.

Normie. Normie. Listen.

Get on the scale. Weigh yourself.
See how you're gonna make out tonight.

Oh, come on, it certainly
doesn't have any fortunes left

after all these years.

[Coin jingles]

[Bell rings]

Do you ever get
tired of being wrong?

Says "your most troublesome
problem will soon be solved."

Hey, norm. Sounds like you're gonna
get a trim on the old antlers tonight.

Norm, what's your most
troulbesome problem?

Well, that's tough
to say, coach.

Let's see. I'm
overweight, unemployed,

separated, depressed,
starting to drink too much.

I guess my biggest problem
is I've never been happier.

Ok, I'm going next.

No way. Men in
uniform first, Carla.

Get outta here.

Sam, Sam, see? They love it!

I mean, this thing's
gonna be bigger than

that amusement
park in California.

Uh, the one with the
mouse and the duck...

Disneyland.

You're tough, Sam,
but I'm gonna get you.

[Bell rings]

"Sanderson florists."

What's the occasion there, Sam?

It's for Diane.

Did she die?

Of course not.

Is she dying?

Is she suffering in any way?

Throw me a bone.

No. She's just going to be mad

because I didn't take her to
some stupid art show last night.

Flowers is the only
way to calm her down.

Hi, Sanderson florist?

Ah, there's my guy.

Give me a big smoocharoo.

You're not mad about last night?

Oh, of course not. I just
missed you so, you big lug.

Keep up the good work.

Afternoon, everybody.

Hey norm! Norm! Norm!

What's up, normie?

The corners of my mouth, coach.

Oh! Sounds like that
blind date paid off, huh?

Yeah, well, turns out my
buddy played a little trick on me.

Guess who the
date turns out to be?

My ex, Vera.

Whoa!

Are you ready
for the punch line?

We're back together again.

Oh, Norman, that's wonderful.

I feel so good about it,

I'd like to set
up the entire bar.

But, since that's
financially impossible,

I'll just settle for buying
my buddy cliff here, a drink.

Oohh! Oohh! Oohh!

Oh, thank you, norm.

Chivas on the rocks, coach.

Mmm... mmm... mmm.

What, 12-year-old scotch?

I was thinkin' more a
like a beer, you know.

Oh, come on, norm,
this is great news.

You got Vera back.

Yeah, Vera, not nastasia kinsky.

Vera.

Uh, beer, coach.

Normie, normie. Tell me,
what's it like to go out on a blind

date, and then you find
out it's your own wife?

We were both kind
of nervous at first.

Then we split some clams casino,

a little chateaubriand...

A bottle of her favorite
wine... Next thing you know

we went back to what
used to be our place,

and, uh, we kind of made love.

Wait. Wait. You can't
kind of make love, norm.

You don't know Vera.

Oh, my god!

What? What?

It's happening! It's happening!

Sam, she's losing what's
left of her gray matter.

And I don't mean
your underwear, Carla.

Come here. Come here. Come
on. What's wrong? What's wrong?

It's his fortune.

The machine said that norm's
worst problem was gonna be solved.

And he's back with Vera!

Carla, that was
entirely fortuitous.

You're absolutely right, Diane.

My little card said that I'd be
hearing from a distant loved

one. Sure enough,
not a half hour later,

my daughter in
Pennsylvania calls me.

Ooohhhh!

Ah, nah-nah-nah-nah.

That doesn't count, coach.

She always calls you.

Yeah, Pennsylvania's not
that distant there, coach.

No. No. No, cliffie. She
called me from California.

She's on vacation there.

Ooohhhh!

It had nothing to do
with your fortune, coach.

And neither did what
happened to Norman.

Oh, yeah?

Well, then, how about this?

My fortune said
"time waits for no one."

So last night, I get home late,

and my kids had started a
grease fire cooking their own dinner.

Now, explain that.

Easy.

You're an idiot.

Carla: Look!

There are things

that you eggheads can't
explain away in this world.

Listen, nothing and nobody
controls what happens to us.

Wait a minute, Sam, you had a lucky
piece when you pitched out there huh?

Yeah, well a lot
of good it did me.

Listen, cliff. The only battles I
ever won in life, I won on my own.

Sam, that was brilliantly put.

Well actually, you said that
to me just a few days ago.

Yes, I know, but
you remembered it

and you used it in
the proper context.

Yeah. Yeah. They should
carve his face on a mountain.

Look, Sammy. You've been hanging
around with Diane her for so long,

you can't see the facts
in front of your nose.

This machine has powers.

I guess I should
get right on then

and see what the future
holds for miss Diane chambers.

Don't joke about this.

Pffpht pffpht pffpht!

What on earth are you doing?

I'm warding off
the evil spirits.

And if you weren't so stupid,
you'd be doing the same thing.

Pffpht pffpht pffpht!

Preposterous.

[Bell rings]

What's the card say, Diane?

What difference does
it make? It's a joke.

"Deception in
romance proves costly."

There, see? Now you all know
how Diane feels about honesty.

Yeah, she likes it.

Yeah. Yeah. Honest
as the day is long.

Absolutely.

Now can we all go
back to work, please?

Good idea.

Pffpht pffpht pffpht!

[Bell rings]

Pfffpht pffpht pffpht!

Ooowww! Ooww! Ooww!

Cliffie!

Cliffie, you all right?

Uh, that's $20 postage due, sir.

And, uh, how are we today?

Cliff, you're at cheers.

Cheers. Yes, sir. I
know where that is.

Wait. Yo, cliff, cliff!

Oh, normie!

Yeah. You all right?

Yeah. Oh! Yeah, I think
I just bruised my knee.

I hope I'll be able to do
my postal route tomorrow.

You want to get an
X-ray or something?

No. I'll just check it out here.

Let's see...

Grrrr, ggggrrrr!

Yeah, I'm fine.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Cliff.

You got a fortune from that
machine yesterday, right?

What was it?

Uh, what was it?

Cliff, did it say
anything about slipping,

falling down stairs
or anything like that?

I remember... It was,
uh, "talk to bigwigs."

Oohhh!

What oohhh?

I don't know... Yet.

But there must be a connection.

I don't think your in the
ballpark on this one, Carla.

Oh, wait. Wait! I got it!

Bigwig, right?

Who is the biggest
bigwig of them all?

Sinatra!

No. Even bigger.

Ronald Reagan.

No. No. No. Bigger. Bigger.

Sinatra!

I don't know. If you ask me
who really runs this country,

I think it's the big oil companies...
Like uh, who run's texaco?

Well at my station it's, uh,
Dave and his son herbie.

Mahmood does the windows.

Yeah, well you can't get much bigger
than herbie, Dave and mahmood, huh?

I am talking about god. God
is the biggest wig of them all.

Cliff, did you pray

before you left the
house this morning?

No.

There you go.

If you had prayed,

none of this would've happened.

Oh, come on.

If you guys are going
to stretch things this far,

then you could make
anything out of those fortunes.

Hey, I hope there's nothing
to this because mine was bad.

What was it?

It said, "your valuables are in
jeopardy", or something like that.

I'll show it to you.
It's in my wallet.

Somebody lifted my wallet.

Aah!

Carla, will you
please take it easy?

He'll owe you the tip.

[Hum theme from twilight zone]

Well, uh, how do you
explain that, there, Sammy?

I found it. Here it is.

What do you say
about that now, Carla.

It makes no difference.

The machine's been
right up until now.

I say it's evil, evil, evil!

It heard me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, scale.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

Carla. Carla. Get up
off the ground. Stop it!

Everybody is looking
at you, come on, Carla.

Pffpht pffpht pffpht!

Listen, I don't want to
hear any more about this.

This scale is not magic.

You can't take it seriously.

And I'll tell you something,
it's a sad world we live in

when Sam Malone
becomes the voice of reason.

Right! Right!

What am I talking for? Come
here... Diane's the one who talks good.

Come on. Come on. Tell'em.

Tell them how dumb they're
being. Come on sweetheart.

You're being dumb.

Had enough, huh?

Well, I guess I
better get one more,

just to make sure
it's safe to go home.

[Bell rings]

I can't look.

Sam, would read it for me?

But don't read
it if it's terrible!

No, this is ok.

"You will grow lips
on your forehead."

Very funny, very funny.

Ah, it's ok... Well,
see you tomorrow.

Goodnight, Carla.

Keep it up! Keep
it up! You'll pay.

Safe trip home. Bye-bye.

Good night, Sam.

Good night, coach.

What are you doing?

I just want to see if I
gained any weight, lately.

You didn't. Now
get off of there.

What's wrong? You know,
you've been acting strange all day.

I've been acting fine.
Come on, now, let's go home.

Well, let me just
get my weight first.

Sam don't!

Will you please tell
me what's going on.

You're coming unglued, here.

Ohh.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

That scale has me spooked.

You're kidding me.
You're the last person

I expect to fall for
that voodoo stuff.

Do you remember
that fortune I got today?

No.

"Deception in
romance proves costly."

So?

I took another man
to that show last night.

You mean, like a guy?

At least pay attention.

He's a classmate of
mine, a male classmate.

Well, so you took some pimply,
bookface, wimp from school. Big deal.

His complexion is almost as clear
as mine and we had a wonderful time.

At the performance?

Yes.

Well, of course,
he took me home.

Uh-huh.

And?

I invited him in.

We had coffee.
He left. That was it.

Instant coffee or, uh...

Did you grind the beans?

It wasn't the same as it is
with you. I didn't grind them fine.

You did grind the beans, huh?

All we did was talk.

You didn't kiss him?

Oh. I kissed him good
night, but it was nothing.

It was barely on the
lips, wayward to the side

up by the cheek. Very dry.

I have to be honest.

It was so good to
talk to someone.

I miss talking about the things

I can't talk about with you.

I didn't want to
tell you because

I knew you'd be angry.

I'm not angry.

Oh. Of course you're angry.

No, I'm not.

As a matter of fact, I'm, uh...

I'm kind of grateful.

I think I see our relationship
in a new light, here.

The truth is, I don't
fulfill all your needs,

and you don't
fulfill all of mine,

so maybe we
should call it quits.

What are you doing?

I have one innocent
evening with a guy,

I come to you to make
a clean breast of it,

and this is the reaction I get?

You're even less understanding

than I feared you'd be.

Ok, fine. That does
it. I want out of this.

Out of what? I
already broke it off.

No, no, you said maybe
we should call it quits.

I'm saying it's definitely over.

Hey, I don't care what I said.

In my mind, it was definite.

That ship has sailed, baby.

Our relationship is through.

No, no. We're not through

unless I say we're through.

We're through.

Now we're through.

I'm not gonna have an argument

about who broke
up with who first

with somebody I
broke up with first.

As a matter of fact, I'm not even
going to acknowledge your presence.

Is anybody here?

Somebody I used to go with?

Oh, no, it's just
Diane. Silly me.

Don't do this.

Too late, sweetheart.
It's already done.

Sam, please.

Please don't joke about this.

I'm scared.

We can't break up

because a pile of metal Springs

said we were going to.

There's too much at stake here.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

Tell me you didn't
break up with me.

Of course I didn't
break up with you.

Then I'm first.

You are history.

Wait. Hey, that was a rotten...

Now, I know why
I broke up with you

a long time ago... Long, long
before you broke up with me.

Who was talking then?

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, it's just my employer.

[Bell rings]

Sam, we got a fortune.

So?

Aren't you going to read it?

No. What's the point?

Sam, our destiny
may be in that card.

I know it. I can feel it.

You're crackers, you know that?

Then read it.

Ok, fine.

Are you sure we should do this?

We've got to... Might
be no other way.

All right, ok.

"Machine empty. Order
more fortunes today."