Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Boys in the Bar - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Ok, closing time. Everybody out.

Harry. Harry, how
did you get in here?

Came in the back door.

I don't have a back door, Harry

well, then it's my secret.

I've been serving him all night.

Diane, you know I don't
like this flimflam man

hanging around my bar.

Oh, Sam.

That's a bit unfair, isn't it?



Anyone with half a brain

can see through
his petty little scams

and tricks.

You're too kind. Thanks.

I hope he doesn't try to pull
anything on you. That's all.

Me? It is to laugh.

Diane, you know, I like you.

You're a smart cookie.

Let me help you clean up.

You got to keep the
cover on this table,

you know, when
you're not using it,

because the heat from the lights

will crack the felt.

You got to take care of it.



Harry. Harry,
I'll take care of it.

You can leave.

Let me save you
a couple of steps

with the check anyway.

I'll pay Sam.

Oh, oh, thanks.

Take care of that table now.

Men can't make beds, either.

Ok, Sam. Thanks a lot.

Good night.

Harry. Harry, the bill.

It's ok. I paid Diane.

Harry, I don't trust you.

Oh, Sam. Diane, will
you tell Sam it's covered?

It's covered.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

I'm sorry I'm late,

but wait till you hear
what I've been doing.

[Groaning]

This afternoon, I
spent 5 entire hours

in a sensory deprivation tank.

Your room?

I'm telling you,
it was incredible.

Never have I felt more
aware and sensitive

to what's going on around me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You see, the whole idea

is that there's a total
lack of sensory input.

[Camera clicking]

What the hell's going on here?

It's a book promotion party.

How could that be in a
place where no one can read?

My old roommate, Tom kenderson,

wrote his own
autobiography, and I'm in it.

Ohh.

So this is a press conference

to announce the arrival of yet
another thick-headed jock epic.

Well, there must be confetti
all over the library of congress.

Hey, for your information,
this one happens to be different.

It's got a lot of
good stuff in it

like what?

Well, I haven't
read it, actually.

Oh. No, no.

Didn't want to
wear out your lips?

I was supposed
to read it last night,

but an emergency came up.

Uh-huh, and what was her name?

Sherry. But that's
not the point.

That's not the point.

The point is, Tom's book
should be really exciting

due to the times
we had together.

It's about us and how we
handled the pressures of baseball.

A lot of guys
handle it differently.

Some guys turn to the bottle,

some guys chase chicks,

and Tom and I couldn't
make up our minds...

So you did both.

Yeah.

Ok, well, let me
speed-read this sucker.

And then we can talk.

How long is that going to take?

Shh. I'm on chapter 4.

I always loved that kid Tommy.

I mean, just a riot.

He was always pulling something.

That right?

He put my toothbrush

in a pair of sweaty socks,

he'd leave dead
animals in my locker.

One time, him and
a bunch of guys

held me down and
shaved my whole body.

Coach, coach, you just
let him do that to you?

No, no, no, cliff.
What I did was,

he was trying to cram me into
one of these clothes dryers one day.

I pulled his socks
right over his spikes.

Good one, coach.

Yeah. The guys.
What a laugh they got.

I could see them through
that little window, you know?

They were laughing!

Hey, mayday.

Hey!

Hey, wow. What a to-do, huh?

How about this?

Ahem. Sam.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Carla tortelli, Tom kenderson.

Carla, nice to meet you.

I love you, Tom kenderson.

Look, here's my number

and a couple of
quotes from past lovers.

Thank you, Carla.

Carla, come here, sweetheart.

Sam, he breathed on me, Sam.

I'm a whole woman.

Coach, get her a seltzer.

Sam, did you get a chance
to read my book last night?

No. No, I didn't,
Tommy. I'm sorry.

I really wish you had.

Did you put in that
flight to Kansas City

when we jumped
in the garment bag

with those two stewardesses?

Yeah, that's there, but...

Then I'll die happy. I'm fine.

Listen, let's get you
famous here, all right?

I don't think you understand.

It's so good to see you.

Good to see you. How you doing?

Just great. Tommy,

you remember the time you put
the analgesic balm in my jockstrap?

Yeah.

I think of you every
time I get the itch.

Well, it's good to be
remembered, coach.

Mr. Kenderson,

would you mind if we begin?

Yeah, let's start. Let's do it.

There's a show here. Pardon me.

Before we start here,

Sam Malone, come up here.

Yay! Yay!

I'm sure you all
remember Sam Malone,

and if you don't,
chapters 7 through 9.

No, no. I'm a businessman now.

I keep my clothes
on... Most of the time.

So you two were real close.

For 3 years, we did
everything together.

I mean, no one
ever saw us apart.

Well, Sam, it must have
been quite a shock to you

when Tom wrote about
coming out of the closet.

Oh, oh. Whoa.

You mean in Detroit

when I was with a waitress

and he came out of the closet

and he was wearing a...

That's not what you're
talking about, is it?

Yikes.

Is this some kind of joke, Tom?

I wanted you to
read the book, Sam.

It's still hard for me to tell
people from the old days.

Sam, you were saying

that you two used to
do everything together.

No, no, you misunderstood that.

No. As a matter of fact,

people used to come
up to me and say,

"hey, you two are best friends,

and yet you're
completely different."

Diane: Sam. Uh, Sam.

There's an emergency in, uh...

In the back room.

What?

Um... I found holes
in the pool table.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Will you excuse me?

Some chick wants to see me.

I can't get rid of them.

You guys know how that is.

So, honey, you can't go in
the back room without me.

Shut up.

Say it ain't so, Tom.

Say it ain't so.

Thank you for
getting me out of there

before I made a
complete ass out of myself.

I was fast, but you were faster.

It wasn't my fault. He
should have told me.

Sam, he told you
to read the book.

Yeah, but...

He should've known that
you'd be spending the evening

with a woman who thinks
candide is a toenail polish.

I just can't believe it.

The guy was a hound, Diane.

He had women everywhere.

We'd be on the road,
we'd go into hotel lobbies...

There'd be 3, 4
women holding up kids.

He covers that. He covers that.

Where?

Here, here, in this
paragraph right here.

Want me to read it?

No, I'll read it.

Right there? Yes.

"From the outside,

"my days in baseball
seemed glorious,

"but the greater my fear
became of my true sexuality,

the more I compensated with
typical Don Juan promiscuity."

Does that explain it?

I don't know. I've
only read it once.

He was denying who he was.

He's no longer doing that.

I should have known.

I remember sitting in
a piano bar with him,

and he requested a show tune.

Sam...

I do understand
why you're upset.

You're afraid that now
people will think that you're...

No, I'm not upset.
I'm not upset.

It's just that guys
should be guys, Diane.

That's all.

Sam... look.

Your friend Tom's out there.

He needs your support
now more than ever before.

He really hasn't changed.

He's still the same
guy you used to

tinkle off balconies with.

Boy. The world was a lot
simpler then, you know?

Ahem. Sam, sorry about all this.

See, I thought you
had read the book

and everything was cool.

Look, I don't want to cause
you any more problems.

I'm just going to take off, ok?

Damn it.

Thanks a lot, everybody.

It was nice talking
to y'all again.

So long, Tommy.

Tom...

You still a gin and tonic man?

Way to go, mayday.

I make them the
way you like them...

On the house.

Coach.

Thanks a lot, Sam.

Hey, listen, can we get a
couple more shots of you guys?

Yeah. Sure, you bet.

I appreciate this, Sam.

I really do.

You didn't dump me

when I had a drinking problem.

Sure, I did.

You were just
passed out at the time.

Pardon me, pal,

where are these
photos going to run?

I don't know. Most
of your local papers.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Same thing's going
to happen at cheers

that happened at vito's pub.

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Sam looks as terrific
in black and white

as he does in color, huh? Yeah.

Looking at Tom breaks my heart.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Sam. Hey, Sam.

We were looking at your kisser

in the morning rag here, Sam.

Yeah, I saw that.

Every time I look at this,
I feel so proud of you.

I'm kinda glad I did that now.

I think you are
taking real strides

in your development
as a human being.

You know, a couple of other
chicks said that to me today.

I think this human being image

is gonna get me more
action than cheap wine.

Always the high road.

Hey... norm. Mm-hmm.

What was that you said yesterday

when they were taking
pictures, about vito's pub?

It was nothing.
Don't worry about it.

Talk to me, norm.

I think it's best he
hears it from us.

Go ahead. Tell him the story.

All right. You
heard of vito's pub?

Yeah. It's a gay bar, right?

Didn't used to be.

Used to be a great bar.

I hung out there myself.

Wow, what a story, norm.

I'm not finished.

There's more?

One night, vito lets a gay group

hold a meeting in
the back room, right...

Gays for the metric
system or something.

Story got in the newspaper,

gets a lot of attention.

Next thing you know,

vito's pub turns
into vito's pub.

All the regulars left, Sammy.

Out went the oars
and the moose heads.

In came plants and ferns.

Ferns. Ooh.

Just don't want that to
happen at cheers, that's all.

I don't believe that stuff.

Bars don't turn gay overnight.

You don't have to believe me.

I have scientific proof. Cliff?

It happened. See?

Excuse me.

You're talking about them

like they're ogres.

The fact of the matter is,

there are gay people
in this bar all the time.

No way.

I haven't seen a gay
guy in here in ages.

I see. You can
spot a gay person?

Mile away.

And there are none
in here right now?

Nope. Looks like a
straight crowd to me.

Too ugly to be gay.

Too ugly to be out.

Well, I wasn't going
to say anything,

but you've gone so far

in proving you're
open-minded, Norman.

There are two
homosexual gentlemen

in this bar at this moment.

Come on. Get out of here.

They told me they were gay,

that they appreciated
what Sam had done.

That's right, guys.

They're here right now.

You don't even
know who they are.

Ha ha! Nah. She's kidding.

Everybody here
checks out all right.

Well, I don't know.

It occurs to me
that, uh... Cliff!

Hasn't had a date
in quite some time.

Oh, yeah, norm?

Well, how come we've
never seen this Vera

you're allegedly
married to, huh?

Could we have a
couple of beers, please?

You bet.

Patty-cake alert.

Hey, you're Sam Malone.

Right.

Yeah, yeah. I saw your picture

in the paper this morning.

Can't wait to read that book.

I'm not much of a baseball fan,

but that sounds interesting.

Yeah, it should be pretty good.

Oh, listen, could we
have light beers, please?

Ahem. Light beer?

There you go.

Thanks.

Sam, those guys look ok to me.

They are ok, coach.

Yeah, well, maybe we are
a little off base here, norm.

Hey, let's test them out.

I got an idea.

[Turns on television]

Hey, look at the
bagonzas on that babe!

Oh, this is medieval.

I never knew lorne
Greene had bagonzas.

Hey, Jack, change
the channel, will you?

I think it's time for
the Benito-venito bout.

Should be a blood match.

They're not watching.
Let's string 'em up.

So what are we going to
do about these guys, huh?

Carla, you're not prejudiced
against gays, are you?

Well, I'm not exactly
crazy about them.

I mean, I get enough
competition from women.

I'm telling you, if guys keep
coming out of the closet,

there isn't gonna be
anybody left to date

and I'm gonna have to
start going out with girls.

Eww!

Carla, you don't have
to worry about me.

I like my dates a little
more masculine than you.

Not much, but a little.

I can't believe you're all
making such a big fuss

out of two guys
walking in a bar.

Cliff: Patty-cake.

Man: Whoo! It's an orgy.

Ferns, Sammy.
We're talking ferns!

You...

Come on! I've seen you guys hug.

Yeah, but we hate it.

Say, cliff, I haven't been
to Clancy's in a long time.

That still as nice a
place as it used to be?

Jeez, I don't know, Jack.

I haven't been there
in a long time myself.

Let's go on over there.

Give me a break!

You guys are kidding, right?

Sammy, we'll check
in in a couple of weeks

and we'll just see if
cheers is still the kind of bar

where a single woman
can be assured of

being harassed and hit on.

Hey, hey, get back
here, all of you.

Right now. Come on.

You mean to tell me that you
guys are bailing out on me?

Sam, I'm telling
you, within a month,

there's gonna be wild music

and guys dancing and
exchanging phone numbers.

You know, Sam, you've got
some really great friends here.

You've gone out of
your way to make a bar

where customers can feel
like they belong, part of a family,

and now they're
walking out on you.

We don't want them!

Quiet!

Perhaps we should
step into the back room.

Anyone having something
intelligent to say can follow me.

Fine! Anyone with
a two-bit opinion.

[All talking at once]

Sammy. Sammy. Sammy, look.

I've got a simple solution
to this whole problem.

You see, you just
go up to the guys

and politely ask them to leave.

Everything is back to normal.

Sam would never do that.

Would you, Sam?

Oh, no.

I'm not sure. I mean,
these guys are my regulars.

If I lose my regulars,
I lose my bar.

And if single women
stop coming in here,

I have no reason to live.

No emotional appeal here, Sam.

This is a purely
intellectual argument.

You let this bar go gay,

you're going to have
to hire male waitresses,

right?

That means that
I'm out on the street,

and I'm not gonna be able
to feed little Sammy tortelli.

Ooh, he kicked.

What? Shh! Shh!

What's that he's
trying to say there?

[High-pitched voice] I'm hungry.

I'm hungry.

Oh, please don't let
Sammy do this to us.

Thanks for keeping
emotions out of it.

I think it's a trick, Sam.

Sit down.

We're all agreed, then, huh?

Sammy tells these guys to leave,

we don't go to Clancy's.

Am I right, Sammy?

[All talking at once]

All right. All right.

Diane: Sam!

Just leave me alone!

I'm running a business here.

What do you think I
should say to them?

Well, it's very simple.

You just walk up
and say, "hello."

"We're a group
of sniveling bigots

and we don't
care for your kind."

That's good.

I like that.

[All talking at once]

Snivel. Bigots.

Hi, fellas.

Hi, Sam. What's going on?

Well, I got a little
bit of a problem.

Maybe you can help me out.

See, I'm the
owner of this bar...

Yeah, we know.

We read the article
in the newspaper.

Oh, right. Right.

That took a lot of guts.

It really did.

Yeah, uh...

So what's your problem?

As a matter of fact, I
don't have a problem.

Coach, get these guys
a beer on the house.

Right, Sam.

What's the matter, Sammy?
You chickening out on us?

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.

I thought you had
more character than that.

Hey, listen, those
guys are staying.

Anyone else wants
to leave, that's fine.

Ok, Sam, you know what
kind of bar this could turn into?

It's not gonna turn
into the kind of bar

that I have to
throw people out of.

That was the noblest
preposition you've ever dangled.

Thank you.

Now, let me say this.

No!

Fine.

All right, gentlemen.

Desperate times call
for desperate measures.

What are you going to do?

Coach, last call.

What are you talking
about last call, norm?

It's quarter to 7:00.

No time for last call.

These glasses have to be
off the tables by 7:00 bell.

Excuse me.

This bar closes at 7:00?

Well, only on the first Thursday
of every month. You see,

we call it vive la
difference evening.

We go home to our
wives, girlfriends,

workbenches, power tools.

This is the weirdest
bar I've ever been in.

Coach, what the
hell are you doing?

Sam, this is vive
la difference night.

Where the hell did
the month go? What?

Your regulars just
tricked those 3 guys

out of the bar.

How?

[All talking at once]

Let's have a round here, Sammy.

It's on norm.

What's going on here?

Well, we just got rid
of your friends, Diane.

It was all normie's idea.

The man's a genius!

Way to go.

Norman, I think
there's something

you should know
about those guys.

Yeah?

They're not gay.

In fact, one of them

tried to hit on me tonight.

What? But you said they were.

I said there were two
gay men in the bar.

I didn't say who they were.

They, along with myself,

have had a wonderful time

watching you make
complete idiots of yourself.

Yeah, the guys I was
talking about are still here.

Right, guys?

Right. Right.

Better than Vera.