Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 17 - Diane's Perfect Date - full transcript

After a disastrous weekend with her date Walter (whose "party game" is to state automatically how many letters are in the last sentence spoken), Sam and Diane talk about perfect dates, which leads to each thinking they can find the perfect date for the other. They agree to do so. When Diane says that she knows the perfect person for Sam - bright, witty, attractive - he and Coach come to the conclusion that she is talking about herself and on the flip side that Sam would be her perfect date. Thinking that Diane is not bringing another woman, Sam looks for no one for Diane. On date night, Diane indeed does come in with "Gretchen" for Sam. Scrambling, Sam grabs the first stranger he sees to be Diane's date, that being Andy 'Andy' Schroeder. Andy agrees with the ruse. However after Andy makes a comment to Diane about murdering a waitress, Sam thinks that it better that they go on a double date solely for Diane's protection. While out on their date, the bar gang finds out that Andy is an ex-con, in prison for manslaughter. The foursome return to the bar after what was obviously an uncomfortable evening with Andy. After the dates officially end and Gretchen and Andy leave, Diane confronts Sam with a "what were you thinking?" The resulting discussion and argument between Sam and Diane eventually extends to everyone in the bar.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

I think if nobody minds,
I'll take my lunch now.

Good.

Coach, would you mind?

Here, honey. Yeah.

I've got some lovely
roast beef for a sandwich.

Oh, Carla, if it bothers you,

I could eat in the back.

Oh, no, no. I was a
little nauseous before,

but I'm fine now.

Oh, great.



You know, I'm starting to
feel a little hungry myself.

Would you mind handing
me my lunch there, coach?

Here you go, honey.

Thanks. Thank you.

Mind if I join you, Diane?

Not at all.

Mmm.

You know, that's another
thing about pregnancy.

You get cravings.

Green olive...

Red pimento.

Nice, juicy anchovy.

Now you open the
little anchovy's mouth.

Red pimento...



Stuff it into the
anchovy's mouth.

Sugar.

I... I think I've just
lost my appetite...

Forever.

Works every time.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Evening, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

Beer, norm?

That's that sudsy
Amber stuff, right?

Yeah.

I've been hearing
good things about it.

How's it going, norm?

Don't ask. It's no fun
looking for work, Sammy.

[Groaning]

You going out on interviews?

3 today.

My resume, right?

Last guy I show it to reads it,

laughs in my face.

Why would he do
something like that?

Well, I'm sorry.
It's just that, uh,

well, it's pretty
skimpy, isn't it?

You were born,
worked at one company,

and, uh, you're 5'10".

What you got to do

is pep this up a little bit.

No, no, no. That's cheating.

That's pepping it up. Look.

I mean, everybody does
it. It's expected of you.

Just take what's
here, just spice it up.

Yeah.

Carla: Oh, looky.

There's Diane and her date

back from the weekend.

Thanks for dropping
me off, Walter.

Bye-bye.

You want to hear
me do it one last time?

Uh, no, Walter.

I got to get to work now.

28.

Why don't you introduce
me to your coworkers?

I'm sure they'd get
a bang out of this.

Oh, I don't really think...

Um, hello, Sam.

Walter Franklin, Sam Malone.

How do you do?

10.

Uh, he's able to
tell you instantly

how many letters there
are in any sentence you say.

66.

That's quite a gift.

15.

We've been at it all weekend.

How many days did it seem like?

24.

Listen, Walter. I have
to go to work now.

Thanks again for
a lovely weekend.

Two sentences. 30 and 28.

Stop doing that, Walter.

19. I mean it!

7.

Well, really, that's
enough of this now.

I'd better get going.

Good-bye, Diane.

Nice seeing you, Sam.

Yeah. 4.

By the way, Walter...

14. Uh, yes, Sam, what is it?

How was Diane on a scale of 100?

29.

Quite a catch.

Thank you.

So is a large-mouth bass.

Walter happens to be a
distinguished geneticist.

Oh, he studies genetics.

Nice to be back.

Ok, Sammy. We're rolling here.

Those job offers ought
to start pouring in now.

"Norm Peterson...

"thought-provoking,
poignant, hilarious.

"A roller coaster of emotions.

"If you hire only one
accountant this year,

make it norm Peterson."

What is this?

He had the paper open
to the movie section, Sam.

Here's the part
I like best, Sam.

It says, "at last an accountant

the whole family can go see."

It's no use, Sammy.

Nobody's gonna hire me anyway.

Hey, come on. Hang in
there. Something will turn up.

Come on, norm. Have you
thought about doing anything else

besides, you know, accounting?

I was in the motor
pool in the service.

I learned a little
something about engines.

Well, like what?

How to use them for shade.

Come on. Let's go have
a look at these want ads.

Sam: Well... Hello there.

Did you have a nice weekend?

Oh, I had a wonderful weekend.

Went to Martha's vineyard.

Long walks on the beach.

Hiked over the dunes.

Crisscrossed the
island on bicycle.

Still couldn't lose him, huh?

You know, you are the
last person in the world

who should take shots

at somebody else's
choice of dates.

Not with the coterie
of Betty boops

you squander your time,
money, and hormones on.

Hey, I date terrific women.

Yes.

And talented.

Without them, the
art of gum-snapping

might be lost forever.

At least my dates don't count
the number of letters in sentences.

Your dates can't form sentences.

Ok. All right. You like
dating nerds, nerds it is.

Well, the next time
I decide to go out,

I'll check with you first.

That would be a very good idea.

I suppose you know better than I

whom I should date?

As matter of fact, I do, lady.

I could set you up

with the best date you ever had.

That's ridiculous.

I could. Do you want me to?

Would you let me set you up?

Yeah. Why not?

I'm tempted to do this...

Just to see what kind
of a joke you'd bring in.

I haven't had a good
laugh for a week.

Certainly not in a weekend.

I resent that.

11.

All right,
Mr. Matchmaker, you're on.

Let's set each other up.

You got it. You're not gonna
pull out on me now, are you?

No. You go out with mine.

I'll go out with yours.

Tomorrow night?

Well, I'll have...

I just thought of
the perfect woman.

Yes. Bright, witty, attractive.

Perfect.

Ah, that's great. I can't wait.

All right. Ok. 8:30
tomorrow night?

Two drafts.

Uh, Carla, who do I know

who'd be a good match for Diane?

Um, what about that, uh, guy

you used to play ball
with... Fred Wilson?

Fred's dead, Carla.

So? She has to drive.

Hey, no. Hey,
I'm serious, coach.

I mean, who do you think?

You know something, Sam?

I always thought you'd
make a great date for Diane.

Aw, coach, that's crazy.

Or is it?

Let me think about that.

Of course. That's
what she's doing.

Aw, that's cute. That is cute.

Gee, thanks. I have
lost a few pounds.

No, no, no, no. Not you, coach.

Don't you see what she's doing?

She's setting me
up with herself.

Why, that little scamp.

Yeah. Yeah. You
heard what she said...

"bright, witty, attractive.
The perfect girl."

She's talking about herself.

Who else could
she be talking about?

She's not gonna
bring another girl

in here tomorrow night.

She wants to go
out with me herself.

I kind of like that.

Our first date.

Thanks, coach. Thanks.

If there is anything
I can do for you,

you just let me know, all right?

Yeah, Sam. By the way, there is.

One little thing...

If you got some time later on,

could you please tell me what
the hell we were talking about?

You bet. You bet.

I'm looking forward to it.

Well, I'm feeling like
quite the matchmaker.

I called my friend.

She said she'd love
to go out with Sam.

Carla...

You have any idea

who Sam has in store for me?

[Laughs]

No.

[Carla laughing]

Hey, Sammy. You're looking

pretty sharp there tonight.

Yeah. What's the
occasion there, Sam?

I've got a very big blind date.

Uh-oh. Blind date. Isn't
that a little risky there?

Not in this case. Coach.

Sam.

♪ Da-dum da-dum da-dum ♪

♪ da-dum da-dum da-dum ♪

[singing fanfare]

Sammy, watching
you get ready for a date

is like watching a great matador

prepare for a bullfight.

I hate that stuff, you know?

Who wants to see a guy go

and manipulate and torment

a poor, unthinking
creature like that?

Hey, I always buy
them breakfast, don't I?

But looky here.
Here comes Diane.

Strangest thing... She
appears to be alone.

Mind if I sit here, Sammy?

Enjoy.

Hello, everyone. Hi, Diane.

Hi, Diane.

Sam, ready for your date?

I certainly am.
Are you for yours?

Oh, as I'll ever be. Is he here?

[Laughs]

Kind of a dumb
question, isn't it?

Of course he's here...
Present and accounted for.

But wherever is my
date for the evening?

Oh, she, um...

She went to lock the car.

She what?

Oh, Gretchen went back to
make sure her car was locked.

Gretchen?

The point is, she's a
woman of substance, Sam.

She's going to challenge you.

Gretchen?

Yes. Oh, here she is.

Gretchen darrow. Sam Malone.

Hello.

Hi.

Yes. You and Gretchen

have a lot in common.

She's a grad student

working on her
thesis in kinesiology.

Oh. Small world.

That's the study of
physical movements.

Ah.

Akin to athletics. Aha.

She also lettered in 3 sports.

So you're the Sam Malone that
used to pitch for the sox, right?

Yeah. Yeah. As a
matter of fact, I am.

I am.

Uh, coach, why don't you, uh,

get Gretchen here
something to drink?

Coach: Sure. Thanks, Sam.

I can't believe this.

I knew you'd like her.

I'm a pretty good
judge of people.

So let's see how you are.

Where's my guy?

Your guy. Well,
as a matter of fact,

he, uh, he's in the poolroom.

[Laughs]

Shut up.

I'll just, uh, go back
and get him right now.

You just, uh, hang on.

He's probably...
Right... Back... Here.

Oh, my god.

[Whispers] Oh, thank you.

Excuse me. Uh...

What's your name?

Andy. Why?

Well, what are you
doing tonight, Andy?

Why do you ask?

Oh, no, no. Hey.

No. I got an extra
girl on my hands.

Oh, I see.

It's worth, uh, $20 if
you'll go out with her.

Why would you give me
20 bucks to take out a girl?

The 20 bucks is not
to go out with her.

It's for a little lie to pretend

like we've known each
other for a long time

and that we set
this up yesterday.

Um, my name's Sam, by the way.

Sam, yeah. I probably
know that, don't I?

Uh, Sam? What if this
girl doesn't like me?

That's all right. She
doesn't like anybody.

What are you looking
at, endomorph?

Uh, nothing, uh...

Nothing, sir.

Here you go, Andy.

I'd like you to meet
Diane, and this is Gretchen.

I finally meet Gretchen.

Sam talks about
you all the time.

Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen.

He just met me.

But I knew you'd be
coming along any day.

This is your date
Diane chambers.

Hello.

How do you do?

Diane, I'd like you to meet
my good buddy Andy... Andy.

Andy Andy. Ha ha ha ha!

Well, that should be
easy to remember.

How do you two know each other?

She asks good
questions, doesn't she?

Good question.

We, uh, met in the pool...

At the y. The pool at the y.

We do a lot of swimming,
floating, kicking.

All your basic water sports.

Hey, now we're getting
into your area of expertise,

aren't we, Gretchen?

Swimming is one of the finest

cardiopulmonary exercises.

It's also wonderful
for the development

of all the major muscle groups,

particularly the
latissimus dorsi.

Boy, I bet you're
kicking yourself

that I got to her first, huh?

Ok. We're gonna take off now.

You two have a good time.

Oh. You two, too.

Andy Andy and I...
Will have fun fun.

So, uh, what do you think, Andy?

How does Italian
food sound, huh?

Oh, boy, I've been hungry

for Italian food all day.

Anywhere but, uh, villa Milano.

That's bad memories for me.

I... I killed a waitress there.

We'll double.

Did you hear what he said?

Ah, no, no.

Hey, listen, coach.

You're not gonna believe this.

I was just talking to
the guys in the back...

I'd like to believe it, Carla.

No. No, coach. Not that.

You know who that guy

that Sam just set
Diane up with is?

Who?

He just got out of the pen

after doing 10 years
for manslaughter.

[Motorcycle pulls up]

That must be them now.

Yeah, I saw them taking
off on a motorcycle.

You mean Diane had to ride
piggyback on a motorcycle?

That's great.

You didn't think we
were gonna make

that last jump, did you?

Well, here we are.

Anybody need anything?

A 5-minute head start?

Why don't we just sit down here

and pick up the conversation
where we left off?

Sam: So... Where were we?

Yeah. That... That was about it.

You ever dream
that you have claws?

That's it for me.

I've got to run. Don't get up.

I'm warning you!

Good night, all.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go scrape
the bugs off my teeth.

Well...

I guess that just about
does it there for you, Andy.

Thank you very much.

And thank you. Sam?
Everything all right?

Oh, perfect.

Hard to tell.

She didn't say much,

except for that little
scream she let out

when I asked the
waiter for a sharper knife.

Bye.

Is he...

He's gone. Yes.

In that case...

Let me just say...

Of all the cheap,

small-minded,

creepy, sophomoric pranks

you have perpetrated

in your long,
arrested adolescence,

this is far and away the worst!

How could you, Sam?

So he wasn't your ideal date.

I'm big enough to
admit when I'm wrong.

Did you really think
this was amusing?

Did you have lots
of laughs planning it?

Diane, I swear to you,

I wasn't trying to be funny.

What were you trying to do?

The truth is,

I never saw the
guy before in my life.

I met him in the back room,

and I... Paid him
to go out with you.

You hired a murderer
to take me out.

Well, it's kind of funny
when you put it that way.

Oh, look. See, I
actually didn't think

that you were
gonna get me a girl.

What did you think I'd get you?

Well, I thought...
Well, I guess I...

I thought that you...

Were talking about
us... You and me.

Well, I thought
that you thought...

You were the ideal date for me

and... vice versa.

Really?

You thought that I... That we...

I'm embarrassed. I
am so embarrassed.

Well, I... I understand.

Poor Sam.

Thank you so much. My god.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

What do you... what do
you mean, "poor Sam"?

I didn't realize you were
carrying such a torch for me.

No, no, no.

I didn't say I was
carrying a torch for you.

I said I thought you were
carrying a torch for me.

I'm certainly not
carrying a torch for you.

Well, then I'm not
carrying a torch for you.

Huh! What...

Fine.

Did you...

Sam...

If you'll admit...

That you are carrying
a little torch for me...

I'll admit that I'm carrying

a little one for you.

Well, I am carrying
a little torch for you.

Well, I'm not
carrying one for you.

Then I'm not carrying
one for you, either.

You just said you were.

No, no, no. I said
that only to get you

to admit that
you are, that's all.

Sam, you're making
a fool of yourself.

Would you just admit that
you're hung up on me, damn it?

I am not! You are, too!

I am not!

Please! Do you think I'd
behave like this in your home?

Sorry.

Well...

We are being awfully
childish about this.

Well, maybe.

Let's leave it at this...

I'm rubber, and you're glue.

Everything you say bounces
off me and sticks to you.

You love me! You love me!

I do... I do not!

Do, too! Do, too! Do, too!

Do not! Do not! Not! Not! Not!

That is the most embarrassing
display I have ever seen.

You're absolutely right, cliff.

Anybody can look at them

and see she's crazy about him.

Are you crazy?
He's nuts about her.

No, are you nuts?

I saw her making
herself available!

Oh, for crying out loud!