Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 15 - Father Knows Last - full transcript

Carla tries to trick a nerdy M.I.T. professor into believing that he's the father of her baby, so that he will support it.

Yes, I'll tell him.

Oh, Sam, I just
had a conversation

with your date tonight... Bambi?

She said she can't make
it. She's had an accident.

No kidding. What happened?

She... fell off her shoes.

Gee, that's tough. That's tough.

That leaves me only two
hours to find another date.

Those are the breaks.

Not to worry, not to worry.

[Cliff gasps]



The book!

Cliff, I swear it just
gave off a beam of light.

A little black book? Yeah.

Didn't those go out with

getting a girl drunk
and seducing her?

That's out now?

Let me see, let
me see, let me see.

Hey. "Kristie lavaroni."

Kristie lavaroni, come on down!

Come on, Sam.
Let me dial this one.

It's been a long time
since I've run my fingers

over a girl's digits.

Norman.

You know, I haven't seen
kristie since Woodstock.



You were at Woodstock?

A friend of mine told
me to go down there.

He said it was a great
place to pick up chicks.

I should've known you
weren't there for the music.

There was music at Woodstock?

Sammy, it's ringing.

Hello. Uh, is kristie there?

She entered a convent?

Oh, boys, it looks like
your idol has fallen.

So what's the number over there?

[Click]

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Hi, coach.

Hi, Diane.

Hey, coach.

Hi.

Sam... Sam, look at me.

Do I look ok to you?

Yeah. Why?

I just went down to renew
my driver's license, right?

They asked me to
donate my kidneys.

Oh, no, no. Don't take
that personal, coach.

They ask everybody.

Those highway robbers.

It used to be a lousy two bucks.

Carla's late again.

Yeah, I know. I wonder why.

Sam, you know why.

Why aren't any of us

saying anything
about Carla's problem?

Listen. Diane, I don't think

we should be the
ones to bring this up.

You know Carla. She's proud.

Maybe she just
wants to keep this one

under her hat, that's all.

Maybe it's not even
what we think it is.

Coach, what else could it be?

Gas?

Hi, everyone.

Hello, Carla. Hi, Carla.

I gotta go change.

Ok.

What are we all so afraid of?

We've known for well
over a month that Carla's...

Let me be the first to say
it aloud... Carla is pregnant.

That's it, Sam. It's out.

Oh, Sam, she is all
alone in the world.

She needs some support.

She's probably waiting
for us to reach out.

And you people call
yourselves friends.

Why don't you talk to her?

Well, I would,

but Carla's never actually
called me a friend...

Unless doofus is a
term of endearment.

No-o-o, don't look at me.

Vera and I don't have any kids.

I don't know anything
about the subject.

Yeah, norm, how come you
and Vera never had any kids?

I can't, coach.

Gee, I'm sorry, norm.

I look at Vera, I just can't.

So how's it going, guys?

Oh, hi, Carla.

Aw, this is...

Look, Carla,

we just want you to know

that if there's anything
you ever need,

just... just ask us, ok?

Well, since you
brought it up, Sam...

Yeah, yeah, what?

I'm gonna need a couple
hours off at the end of April.

All right. Ok. You don't
want to talk about it.

Nah, nah, nah. It's ok.

I told the father
about it yesterday.

He's been out of town.

You know, I just
wanted to tell him first.

Well, tell the rest of them.
They're dying to hear.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah. I'll
go talk to them.

All right.

What was I saying?

The weather, it's
always just sort of... oh.

Ahem. Everyone...

I'm pregnant.

What? What?

No! You're pregnant?

Oh, Carla.

Well, why didn't
you say anything?

I got a lot on my mind.

I can't remember everything.

Oh, sure. Busy gal.

Congratulations, huh? Unless
you don't want another kid.

Of course she
wanted the kid, norm.

Sure, I do.

What penniless, unmarried
mother of 4 wouldn't?

See what I mean?

Carla, don't worry about that.

I'm gonna give you a
little bump up in pay there.

Hey, thanks, Sam.

That's great. What a guy.

Great. Carla gets a
raise for getting pregnant.

I wonder what I have to do
to get a raise out of the boss.

Both: Get a raise
out of the boss.

So, who's the father?
We want to know.

You're about to
see for yourselves.

He's coming in. Ooh.

I really got lucky
this time, boy.

He's a nice, responsible guy,

and he is gonna
support this kid.

Oh, that's great.

You're going to get married?

You know, actually,
we probably would, Sam,

except it goes against
my most cherished belief...

Men are toe jam.

Who is this guy?

Coach: Hey, Marshall!

Marshall?

Carla made love to
a ph.D. From m.I.T.?

Hey, look, you guys, if you
can't say it in front of me,

don't say it at all.

No, coach, Marshall is
the father of Carla's child.

Oh. Marshall? Yeah.

I don't believe it, and
I believe everything.

How are you
feeling, little mommy?

I'll make a deal with you.

You don't call me little mommy,

and I don't put your
tongue in the blender.

Hey, Marshall, come
on down and sit down.

Way to go.

We're so happy for you both.

Congratulations, Marshall.

Congratulations, dad.

Why don't you have
a seat, little... Carla.

Thank you.

Look. I think we have
something to celebrate here.

A little champagne.

Yeah! Pour it up, boys.

I'll get the glasses.
Here you go.

By the way,

I recommend the lamaze method.

I've read about that,
and it sounds wonderful.

Oh, no, forget it. I
got my own method.

Knock me out and wake
me when it's potty trained.

[Laughs]

All right. Let's make a toast.

Diane, make the toast.

Oh, all right.

To the baby.

With Marshall as the father,

it's sure to have brains.

With Carla as the mother,

it's sure to have need for them.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

What I mean is,

to the baby and its luck

in having such
wonderful parents.

Hear, hear.

Mmm.

What? What?

You know, I think I'd better
just lie down for a minute.

All right? Sure.

Would you all excuse me?

I'll be right back.

Gee, Marshall, I
didn't even know

you and Carla were dating.

Actually, coach, we
just dated the one time.

One time?

Uh-huh.

Just once?

Uh-huh. It's a funny thing, too,

'cause Carla wouldn't give me

a second look before that...

Or since.

But she sure was ready,
willing, and able that night.

She was a woman possessed.

So the whole thing was her idea?

Yes, I think you could say that.

Not that I didn't enjoy myself,

but I had no idea this
would be the result.

I was so surprised when
she told me about it yesterday.

Would you excuse me, Marshall?

I think I need to talk to Carla.

You clever girl, you.

What?

I know what you're up to,

you sly boots.

Gotta hand it to
you. Pretty smart.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Yes, you do.

Marshall's not the
father of that child.

Maybe he is,

and maybe he isn't.

Come on, Carla.

You can tell me.
I'm proud of you.

This shows real initiative.

Well, since you already guessed,

you're right. He's
not the father.

I lied so he'd
support it. [Laughs]

What a great, great plan.

Well, I hate to sing
my own praises.

Ah, well, don't sing
your own praises.

Why don't you hum a
few bars of this tune?

Aah!

Carla, how could you?

Why don't you just sit down
and let me talk for a change.

Fine.

I had had a really rotten day.

I got stiffed twice,

Sam bawled me out for something,

you were here,

I got soaked on the way home.

By the time I got the
kids locked in their rooms,

I had really had it.

So I sat down at
the kitchen table...

A bottle of chianti.

I just started thinking
about how rotten

my whole life was...

When I saw his face

through the fog in
the door window.

Who?

Nick, my ex-husband. Ooh!

Besides everything else,

it was our anniversary.

I see.

But I was so down,

I figured we could just
talk for a while, you know.

So we were drinking

and remembering the
couple of good times we had.

It was the first
laugh I had all day.

He was wearing his
black fishnet t-shirt.

I could see his panther tattoo

through the little holes.

No woman could resist.

With the rain and everything

and the wine,

I just got carried away.

Carla, this is the man
you once referred to

as seepage.

Sure, Nick's disgusting,

but he knows this
spot on your ear lobe.

One nibble and you are
a heaving mound of flesh.

I find that very
hard to believe.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Let me just show you.

Oh, Carla, don't be ridiculous.

Carla.

Oohhh...

Cliff, no, this isn't
what you think.

No, no, that's ok.

I'm an eighties kind of a guy.

I've seen all the right
movies and everything.

Yes. Well, uh, no, cliff,

you see, Carla
and I were testing

a fascinating
scientific hypothesis.

Scientific.

Oh. I like science.

Step right this way.

Carla, show him.

Unbelievable, huh?

I didn't feel anything there.

Sometimes there's
a delayed reaction.

Well, ok, maybe
if the both of you...

Take a walk. Cliff.

Oh, hey, listen...

If you need a trois,
for that menage,

I'll be in the bar.

Hmm. All right. Let me see

if I have the
decadence straight.

You discovered
you were pregnant.

You purposely seduced Marshall

because you assumed
that your husband

would not assume
responsibility for the child.

Exactly.

Depraved.

Now, look here, whitey.

You know, you can talk,

but I got 4 kids,

and I've been raisin' 'em alone,

and it's been damn hard.

I can't take it anymore.

Somebody is gonna help me
ease my load a little bit this time,

and I don't care what
I have to do to get it.

Carla, it's wrong.

I don't care...

And I don't care what you think.

What did you guys
do to cliff back here?

Why, what's the matter?

We just had to pull him
off the wooden Indian.

Cliff.

Ish... ish...

Sip, beer. Sip, cliff.

Carla, do you know the
story of the telltale heart?

Take a leap, whitey.

I'm going to tell it to you.

A young man killed an old man.

While carrying out the crime,

he could hear his victim's
heart beating in fright...

Ba-boom, ba-boom,
ba-boom, ba-boom.

He was very glad
when the man was dead.

The awful sound stopped.

Then he dismembered his victim

and buried him
under the floorboards.

Soon, he could hear a sound
coming up from the floor...

Ba-boom, ba-boom,
ba-boom, ba-boom.

Till he couldn't
stand it anymore!

Surely everyone heard it.

Eventually, guilt drove
him totally insane.

You can never escape
your conscience.

Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.

Ok, ok!

Tom, I've been cheating on you.

You are a wonderful man.

I don't deserve you.

I'm sorry.

Wait, darling!

Ba-boom, Carla.

Ba-boom, ba-boom.

Is this having
any effect on you?

None at all.

Maybe you need bigger ba-booms.

Ba-boom! Ba-boom!

Diane, would you
just leave me alone?

Carla, don't get upset.

Sit down with me.

Thanks.

So, uh, how's it going, dad?

Great.

I think I'm approaching
a state of euphoria.

Coach, could I
have a beer, please?

Absolutely, Marshall.

Ba-boom, ba-boom.

Carla, what, uh... What, uh...

What do you think we
should name the child?

We got time for names, Marshall.

The biggest argument
I ever had with my wife

was over naming our daughter.

She kept insisting,
insisting on Lisa.

And I wanted to stick
with the original name.

What was that, coach?

Baby girl pantuso.

Ba-boom!

You know, Carla,
I've been thinking.

Tomorrow, I'm
gonna go to my lawyer

and have a new will drawn up,

and all of your children

will be named as
my beneficiaries.

Oh...

Gee, Marshall,

I never expected that.

That's about the sweetest
thing anybody's ever...

Diane, would you just cut it out

with the stupid ba-booms?

Carla, Diane's in the back room.

[Gasps]

Come on. We gotta talk.

You win. I'm gonna
tell him the truth.

Will somebody please tell
me what's going on here?

She's gonna tell him the truth.

The truth about what?

Oh, Sam, it's
terrible. She lied.

The real father
is her ex-husband.

I don't believe this.

I mean, I know the guy.

Her ex-husband is an
insensitive macho pig

with one thing on his mind.

Some women are
attracted to that.

Name one.

Hey, hey, di...

"Arlene Abrams..."

"Angela Adams..."

I'm going home.

No! Listen. Wait a
minute. Come here.

I'm gonna talk to you first.

Sit down, sit down.

Now, look...

Diane told me what's going on,

and I just have
to say something.

Marshall, you and Carla

have a chance for some
great happiness here,

and I don't think you
should throw it away.

Sam...

Come on, let me say
this. Let me say this.

Look at me, Marshall.

Look at you?

Yeah.

Now, a lot of people think

that I've got a great life,

but you have, uh...

You can have something
that I don't have.

You... you can have
the love and the warmth

of a family.

If you don't marry Carla,

some lucky guy is going to.

As a matter of fact,

if you don't marry
Carla, I'm going to.

I'm not gonna marry her.

I got the veil in my locker.

You... you understand what...

Get outta here.

You're all toe jam.

You know... I just
feel terrible about this.

Well, I guess she really did
want some help with this child.

Yeah. She's barely
getting by just the way it is.

Carla's probably never
felt lonelier than she does

at this moment.

Got any more of those little
yellow goldfish crackers?

We don't have any crackers
that look like goldfish.

What'd I just eat?

You know, I wish I had the money

so I could take care
of the kid myself.

Me, too, Sam.

Wait. I've got a wonderful idea.

We're always
taking up collections

for little league teams
and give gifts to orphans.

We are now going to take
up a collection to help Carla.

I think cheers should
adopt this child.

You know, that's not
such a stupid idea.

We could all take turns
doing things with the kid, right?

I could... I could
teach him to pitch.

Yeah. I could teach him how to
hit your pitches out of the ballpark.

There you go.

I'll do the kid's taxes.

Coach, come here, come here.

What... listen,
everybody, everybody.

This is for Carla's kid.

It's gonna be our kid.

I can teach him how to
slide into second base.

Oh, you can't, coach.
Remember your back?

Well, I can teach
him how to swim.

You're afraid of
the water, coach.

I can teach him to
tie a windsor knot.

Why do you think you
wear these clip-ons?

Well, I can just sit there.

I'm going home.

Carla, before you do,

we want you to
take this from us.

It's to help out with the kid.

We'd kind of like
it to be our kid, too.

[Laughs]

♪ When you walk
through a storm ♪

♪ hold your head up high ♪

♪ and don't be
afraid of the dark ♪

everybody, come on.

♪ At the end of a storm ♪

♪ is a golden light ♪

♪ and the sweet
silver song of a lark ♪

♪ walk on through the wind ♪

♪ walk on through the rain ♪

♪ though your dreams
be tossed and blown ♪

♪ walk on, walk on ♪

♪ with hope in your heart ♪

♪ and you'll never walk alone ♪

♪ you'll never walk alone ♪