Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 14 - Let Me Count the Ways - full transcript

- Hello, everyone.
- Hi, Diane.

I am in a wonderful mood today.

I spent the weekend
at an lndian film festival.

It left me euphoric.

I love lndian films.
Remember Fort Apache?

Just thinking about it makes the hair
on my arms go up. Look!

No, Coach, we're not
talking about American Indians.

I can make the hair on my arms
stand up any time I want. See?

Carla!

Think that's something?
Cathy Settudicato, from St Clete's,

belched the whole 23rd Psalm
at the talent show once.



That's good, but I knew this guy,
Randy Evans, first baseman,

he could make his eyeballs vibrate.
I always wanted to.

- Randy Evans? Who'd he play for?
- Mostly the Cleveland lndians.

Speaking of Indians, remember
Fort Apache? Just thinking of it...

Go, bumps!

- Hi, Sam.
- How are you, Marshall?

- How's everything at school?
- Fine.

- Could I have a beer, please?
- Of course, Marshall.

Marshall, good to see you, sexy.

- Hi, Carla.
- So, how you doing?

My uric acid is up
to seven-point-five.

That explains
that twinkle in your eye.

Diane, this is Marshall.
Marshall, Diane.

- Hi, Marshall.
- You'll love this kid, Diane.



Very smart. Teaches at a college.

- MlT.
- See? He can spell good, too.

Marshall teaches a subject
I know nothing about.

Could you narrow that down a bit?

- I'm in cybernetics.
- Right!

The more we learn about cybers,
the better we can control 'em.

Why did you get into computers?

I enjoy integrating formerly
unassociated supporting elements

to maximise a probability ratio

by interweaving the input data.

Watch it, Marshall, I'm heatin' up!

Marshall can make his computer
do incredible things.

Write poetry, play games, make
predictions on elections, sports.

Sounds like fun.

You got any hot tips for us,
Marshall?

The Celtics will lose today.

Watch your tongue, Marshall.

No, let me show you.
Take a look at this.

Can't argue with that, Sam.

You see, this shows correlation
between the Celtics' win-loss record

and the relative activity
of the Van Allen radiation belt.

Isn't that the one
that Buster Crabbe wears on TV?

I know it sounds a little crazy,

but just by coincidence,

I noticed that the days
the belt is in a state of flux,

the Celtics are always beaten.

Are you sure? Your computer
wouldn't be pulling your leg?

No, my computer never kids, Sam.

He appreciates a good joke,
but he never tells one.

- Mind if I borrow this for a while?
- Sure.

- Thanks.
- I have to go now.

- So long.
- Bye. See you, Carla.

Don't break too many hearts,
Marshall.

I get around you, and my testosterone
goes up 78 percent.

Do you really find me attractive?

I love a stylish guy.

You've got the new wet look.

Your hair, your palms...

Coach?

When was the last time
you had a sure thing?

- Rosie McGonagle.
- No, Coach.

I'm talking about
betting against the Celtics.

Sam, you can't do that!

Come on, Marshall's never wrong.

We've never bet against
a Boston team. We've never done that.

I know.

Think hard about this.
All our customers'll turn against us.

I know, they'd never forgive us.

They'd hate us
for the rest of our lives.

Of course, we're not gonna
live forever, are we?

I'll get it down.

We can't let any of the boys know
about this. It's gotta be quiet.

I can't even remember
what we were talking about.

Sam, we were talking about
betting against the Celtics!

Yeah, thanks. Thanks.

I worry about him.

- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm!

- Norman.
- What's doing, Norm?

Well, science is seeking
a cure for thirst.

I happen to be the guinea pig.

- Oh, boy.
- Rough day?

Yeah. Vera read a woman's magazine
over the weekend

about putting romance
back in your marriage.

You're in trouble.

She says I gotta act
like we're courting.

I got to call her up for a date, buy
flowers, take her someplace fancy.

- Sounds good.
- I'm a romantic guy.

I go to the corner,
use the payphone, call her up,

she turns me down. Who needs it?

Game time, Sammy.

Turn on the set, pour me a beer
and let's start dribbling.

How you doin', Coach?

Cheers. Diane's busy at the moment.
Can I say who's calling?

Her mother?
A pleasure to meet you, Mrs Chambers.

I'm Sam Malone.

Yeah? She mentioned me?

No, I'm not scratching myself
at the moment.

Yeah, hold on a second,
I'll get her for you.

Diane, it's your mother.

Take it from me, you're not adopted.

Thank you. Mommy?

What?

Oh, no!

No.

I'll be alright.

I'll call you back later, OK?

- Elizabeth is dead.
- Gee, Diane, that's awful.

A member of your family?

Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
She was our family cat.

Cat? You scared us, Diane.

You should've said that
right off the bat.

Diane, did you spend
a lot of time with the cat?

Well, since I left home,
I've only seen her in the holidays.

Too bad.

Alright, we got tip-off time here.

Not bad.

What a bad bat!

Diane, could I have another beer?

Diane, you working or what?

I am sorry to interrupt, but I have
something important to say.

Since I have been here,

I have struggled
to make certain changes in myself

in order
to fit in to the general milieu.

- And you're doing a good job...
- It has not been easy.

However, I am proud to say
that, for example,

I no longer have to cover my eyes
when I watch a hockey fight.

In one case, I even took sides.

But now, in my moment of crisis,

it is glaringly apparent
that no one here

has made any effort
to understand my sensibilities.

No, this is me.

Diane?

Something my father used to say
when we had a death in the family.

Maybe it'll help. He'd say,

"Sprinkle the ashes,

all the tangible remains
of our dear one."

"But thank God for the intangibles."

"The impact of his life on ours."

"We remember the smile,

the frown, the quizzical look,

the love, the courage..."

Commercials are over.

Fun times, hurt, moments
of searching, risk, affirmation,

and a whole bunch of other stuff.
Come on, Celtics, go!

- Did the Celtics start without me?
- Yeah. Losing without him, too.

- How we doin'?
- Down nine, a minute and change.

- We can still win, right, Coachie?
- Sure, Norm.

I wish I had some money
on the Celtics.

Don't you wish you had money
on the Celtics, Sam?

- Go wait on somebody.
- Good idea. I'll wait on somebody.

Miss? I'm all by myself.
I only ordered one beer.

Didn't I see you with other people?

I was here last night with people,
but they're not with me tonight.

I see. They're all gone.

Everything in life comes and goes.
The things that matter most to us

are taken away
when we can't afford to lose them.

In the end, everything we strive for
comes to nothing.

- I'll take away the extra beers.
- No.

Suddenly, I'm in the mood
for all of 'em.

Vampira, get to work, here.

Carla, could we talk for a minute?
I really need to talk to somebody.

Carla, please? Have you ever lost
a pet? Have you ever had a pet?

Are you kidding? I've been through it
a thousand times with the kids.

Goldfish, parakeets, turtles...

No. A cat is different.

Yeah, you can't flush a cat.

I know you're not going to
believe this, but I do admire you.

I believe it.

You are so tough. You keep
your head up, no matter what.

How do you do that?

I'll tell you.
I always look on the bright side.

No matter how lousy a situation is,

I can always find something in it
to make me happy.

What good could you possibly say
about a loved one dying?

It ain't me.

Extra points. We've still got time.

- Terrific.
- Yeah, terrific.

Swish! Larry Bird got another one!

- Another one, already?
- Another one, already?

- They're only down by three.
- Shoot the inbound pass!

Three seconds, shoot it!

Damn, he missed!

- We lost!
- Alright!

Pitcher's elbow. I lose control of it
during intense moments of sorrow.

Coach, I think if I went out
and got a breath of fresh air,

it might fight back these tears.
Wanna join me?

- No, I feel terrific.
- Join me!

Yeah, I do feel a cry coming on.

Yeah. Boy, they're really
taking it hard.

- Did you ever lose a pet?
- Like an animal?

Yeah.

I never had a pet. My grandfather
had a dog that I loved very much.

- What did you call him?
- Grandpa.

- I meant the dog.
- The dog? Bruno.

- What happened to him?
- Fell down in the bathtub and died.

- I meant the dog.
- So did I.

My grandfather, poor old guy,
got run over by a bus.

You know something? Nobody's ever
listened to my story before.

It's good to get it off your chest.

If ever I can be there for you,
just let me know and I'll be there.

- Actually...
- Excuse me.

Jack Daniel's.

Miss, I ordered this on the rocks.

No!

It's not that bad, really.
Sweetheart, it's no problem.

I'm sorry. I like it this way. Look!

Good, good!

Darling? Miss?

Here's a tip for you.

Five bucks for a couple of tears?

I can't believe you're that upset
over an animal dying.

You obviously have never had a pet.

I have, too.

- What?
- I had a dog.

Cutest little guy!
Floppy ears, big eyes.

I took him for a walk every morning.

Great way to meet women.

So you loved this dog because
you could use him as a come-on?

- No!
- I bet you can't remember his name.

Sure I do! It was Fluffy.

Or Buffy.

Or was that one of the girls
he helped me to meet?

Come on! What is it you want?

I wanted a little sympathy.

Why didn't you say so?

Sam, there are subtleties
of expression.

I have been saying so all day
with the look in my eye,

the knit of my brow, my posture...

How come you just don't use words?

No.

- No, I'm gonna sympathise.
- Don't be ridiculous!

- Tell me about your cat.
- I don't want to talk about it.

Well, tough!

Well, I was...

..pretty lonely as a child.

I wasn't close
to anyone in my family.

My father travelled frequently,

and my mother was incredibly social.

So Elizabeth was
my closest friend and confidante.

That cat could really keep a secret.

- That's good in a cat.
- Yeah.

She was the only one in my life
who was always there.

When everybody was mad at me,
she liked me.

When I'd hide when my parents argued,
she'd come with me.

Whenever I was sick, she never
left my bed until I was well again.

And then,...

..when I was 12 years old,
my parents separated.

It was maybe
the worst night of my life.

I actually thought about
throwing myself in the lake.

But then I looked down
at this cat in my lap

and I thought,
"Who would take care of Elizabeth?"

She saved my life that night.

And I know,
it's crazy and irrational,

but, Sam, I can't help thinking
that last night, when her time came,

she must have wondered where I was.

- Sam, you're crying.
- No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. Your eyes are all red

and your nose is running.

I'm allergic to cat stories.

I can't believe this.

Sam, this is so sweet.

You poor kid.

Wait.

What are we doing?

We're sharing our grief.

This doesn't feel like sharing grief.

Grief's kind of a tricky thing.
Shall we get back to it?

Sam, you're exploiting this situation
and it just doesn't feel right to me.

What? Exploiting?

We got caught up
in some wonderful emotions just now,

and I would hate to see that
turned into something sexual.

- What are you accusing me of?
- I'm not accusing you of anything.

I would just like to know
why this is happening.

What difference does it make,
why it's happening?

We're helpless, swept away.
What else can we do?

Sam!

You have never been helpless
where women are involved.

Jeez!

Your problem is that the only way
you can relate to women is sexually.

You wanna know what your problem is?

You always have to think
about things, talk about things.

"Why are we doing this?
What does it mean?"

"What are we going to do?"
God, it makes me so mad!

An unexamined life
is not worth living.

While we're talking about problems,

you want to know
what bugs me about you?

- Fine.
- The way you eat pretzels.

- Pretzels?
- That's right.

Three bites. Not two, not one,
like the rest of us. Three!

- Know what bugs me about you?
- What?

The cologne you always wear
is totally without nuance!

That explains
the laughter behind my back!

I don't know why I talk to you. Every
conversation we have is an ordeal.

So let's not have any more.
And I tell you something else.

You won't catch me
coming on to you again.

- You're right you won't.
- We agree on something.

No, I think we agree
on one other thing.

- I am getting the hell out of here.
- Two things.

- Diane! Wait!
- What is it?

- I'm sorry about your cat.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Alright.