Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 13 - Now Pitching, Sam Malone - full transcript

Sam becomes a commercial spokesperson and becomes romantically involved with his agent. But things become complicated when he wants to break off the romance.

You know, Sam, this is
my favorite time of day.

What's that,
coach, closing time?

No. 1:37.

I don't know. There's
just something about it.

I know what you mean.

I suppose we've all got
our favorite 1:37 story.

What's your favorite
time of day, Sam?

I don't know.

8:15 is nice.

I used to like 8:15.

I think I kind of
grew out of it.



Hey, wait a minute!

Coach, Sammy.

Hey, I don't want
to be left alone

locked up in
this bar all night...

Quarter to 3:00

no one in the bar
except you and me

ahh.

Once in a while,

a man needs a
little time to himself.

Making your way
in the world today

takes everything you've got

taking a break
from all your worries

sure would help a lot

wouldn't you like to get away



sometimes you wanna go

where everybody knows your name

and they're always glad you came

you wanna be where you can see

our troubles are all the same

you wanna be where
everybody konws your name

you wanna go where people know

people are all the same

you wanna go where
everybody knows your name

Evening, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

Norman.

Beer, norm?

Nah. I'd probably just drink it.

So what's new, norm?

Well, I just came
from a late lunch

at the copley Plaza.

You had lunch at the copley?

Yeah. Took a prospective
employer there.

Kind of courting the guy.

So what'd you have for lunch?

The rack of lamb for two.

Don't remember what he had.

I saw Teddy Kennedy over there.

Whoa! Norman, really?

I still say that Kennedy
will be president some day.

Oh, now, wait. Now, wait.

Maybe the next time.

You know how politicians are.

This doesn't make sense.

No, I really don't
think so there, Diane.

I've got a pet little
theory about that.

You see, if you
go back in history

and take every president,

you'll find that the numerical
value of each letter in their last name

was equally divisible into the
year in which they were elected.

So who's going to win, cliff?

Reagan again?

No, not a chance.

I figured it out.

By my calculations,
our next president

has to be named gelnick mcwawa.

That's the stupidest
name I've ever heard.

Sam, please.

You're talking about
our next president.

So, norm...

What was Kennedy
doing at the copley?

Having lunch.

I got his autograph.

You disturbed him
during his lunch?

No. God!

I waited till he went
to the men's room.

"Marty broder"?

I got the wrong
stall. I don't know.

Ho, cliff! Isn't that
tibor svetkovic?

Svetkovic? Where?

Oh, yeah. That's
svetkovic all right.

Based on the fact that
he has a long name

that you can all pronounce,

it's my guess he's an athlete...

Or will he be president in 1990?

Oh, Diane.

The man was czechoslovakia's
greatest hockey player.

He defected to us
just to play in the NHL.

It's an incredible
story, actually.

He dressed up as a woman,

hid in a haystack,

crawled on his belly
under barbed wire,

swam a couple of rivers

and stowed away on a
tramp steamer just to get here.

That's amazing.

The next week, the rest of his
team came over on the concorde.

That's what he gets for
not reading his schedule.

Well, nobody said he
was a smart hockey player.

Is this my day or what, huh?

First Teddy Kennedy
and now tibor svetkovic.

You'd better memorize
his shoes, norm.

You might want to get his
autograph later, you know?

Tibor. I see you
play all the time.

I'm Sam Malone.

Your problem may
be too much caffeine.

I'm sorry. What?

He's learning English
from television commercials.

Ah.

And who are you?

I'm Lana Marshall.

I'm tibor's commercial agent.

Is that right? Well
I'm Sam Malone,

I'm kind of the boss here.

Oh, you're the boss.

You going to tell me what to do?

Something tells me
you know what to do.

I know what I like to do.

Well, that's nice. I
like a lady who knows

what she likes to do

and does what she likes.

The mating ritual of the
horny-breasted lounge lizard.

Two beers.

Let me take care
of you two here.

Tibor, uh, Miller time?

Ah, TV. Yes, sir.

What can I do for you?

What's your specialty?

I do everything
the same... great.

Then why don't you surprise me?

It'd be my pleasure.

Mine, too, I hope.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right here.

She'll be here, he'll
be back and I'll be sick.

So, you get jobs for
professional athletes

to be in commercials, huh?

Yes. As a matter of fact, I
specialize in male athletes.

Don't you know who
you were just talking to?

That's Sam Malone.

Cute guy. Too bad
he has dandruff.

He used to play
with the Red Sox.

Really?

Who does he play with now?

Whoa!

You know, you give
broads a good name.

Excuse me.

Could I ask you a
question about your boss?

Ah, the king of the
single entendre?

Tell me, does he have a wife...

Or worse, someone
he cares about?

He's available...

And very desirable, if
lummox is your cup of tea.

And it appears to be.

Tibor, I think it's time
to get to the garden.

Uh-oh! I'm late.

After game, your room?

No, tibor. I think I'm
going to be busy tonight.

Ok. Good-bye.

And this concludes
another day of programming.

Sooner or later,
you'll own generals.

Poor guy should really think
about wearing a helmet, you know?

I understand you
were an athlete.

I'm sorry. I don't remember you.

Oh, that's all right.
I was a relief pitcher

before they became famous.

I missed it by a year.

Tell me, have you
done any acting?

Well, you know, yeah, I have.
I had the lead in a school play.

The one about the evil woman
who pushes her husband

into getting rid of people so he
can have more and more power.

You mean Macbeth?

No, uh, how boots
fooled the king.

Is that what Macbeth was about?

Tibor's looking
better, isn't he?

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Hey, Diane, we're talking here.

She's talking. You're killing
time between thoughts.

You got a problem?

Look, Sam. Just watch it, ok?

She's not one of
your usual bimboettes.

That's what I like about her.

She's got a lot of class.

While I have never been a
big fan of the women you date,

I will say that at least they
were too stupid to be harmful.

I knew they'd grow on you.

Is there something
between you two?

No, that's, uh,
that's just business.

I never mix in her personal
life and she mixes in mine.

Sam, I've just been
talking to my secretary

about the winter schedule

and I think there might be some
commercials you might do very well.

Me? You're kidding?

No. You have a very
sexy, playful quality

that I'm sure would
come across on camera.

Now, wait a minute. I haven't
played baseball for years.

I'm not exactly a
household name.

Non-star athletes are in vogue.

They come across
as regular people.

What do you say, Sam?

Gee, uh, I've got to
think about that a little bit.

Come on, Sam. Do
it, you're a natural!

Look at you. You're tall, you're
handsome, you got a great smile.

Show her your smile.

I'll be damned. Who
the hell was I thinking of?

You know, I have to admit,

all these years watching
those commercials,

I always thought that I
might be pretty good at it.

Let's do it.

Wonderful.

Look, I'm staying at the ritz.

Why don't you come over later,

and we'll work out the details.

Uh, I don't get off until 2.

All the better.

All these people at the bar,

and no one introduced us.

Uh, no, they didn't.

I'd like to thank each
and every one of them.

Me, too.

And now, for field's light beer,

former Red Sox
starting pitcher Luis tiant.

After the game,
I like to sit back,

light up a cigar,

and enjoy a field's light beer.

Hey, Luis.

Hey, Sam.

When you get to be my age, 30,

you don't want to get filled up.

That's why I drink field's beer.

It's refreshing,
it's satisfying,

and you don't full
feel with field's,

you just full fine.

Full feel with
field's. You full fine.

Sorry, Luis. I don't
think you've got it today.

I'm going to have to pull you.

Skipper, let me stay.

Sorry, big guy.

Go get 'em, mayday.

Now pitching, Sam
"mayday" Malone.

Field's... it's
refreshing. It's satisfying.

And you don't
feel full with field's.

You just feel fine.

All right!

Another save.

I still get the win, right?

Yeah, Sammy!

You were great!

Coach, two bottles
of field's, right here.

Normally, I wouldn't use
that stuff to shampoo my dog,

but Sammy, you just sold me.

Sam, you could sell me ice
cubes in the middle of summer.

You're in show biz now, huh?

You're a star.

Sam, Sam...

Could you introduce
me to gene Tierney?

I don't know gene
Tierney, coach.

Ok, be that way.

Come on, Sammy. How about
a speech from the big actor?

Yeah. How did it feel to see
yourself up there, Sammy?

It was nice.

It was very nice, ok?

Oh, I was afraid of this, Sam.

We're going to have to
sedate the man. He's hysterical.

Sam, if there's anything
you want to talk about,

get off your chest...

There's nothing I want to talk about.
I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl, alright?

Now, just wait on
some tables, please.

Fine.

Hey, Sammy, that agent of
yours is hotter than a pistol, huh?

She's really earning her 10%.

Hey, listen, will you
just leave me alone!

Please? Everybody, you
got that? Leave me alone!

Sam, let's talk.

There's nothing to talk about.

It's important.

Come back to the office now.

Uh-oh!

Sammy's in trouble with
miss chambers again.

Sammy's in trouble
with miss chambers

Sammy's in trouble
with miss chambers...

What? What do you want?

Sam, you're obviously unhappy

and everybody just
wants to know why.

I'm not unhappy.

You're not?

No.

You're happy with
the commercials?

Yes.

Do you think you were good?

Yes.

Really?

Yes!

Well, what is it then?

Are you happy with the money?

Yes.

Are you happy
with the auditions?

Yes.

Are you happy with your agent?

Oh, god!

Aha. The dragon lady.

Tell me about it.

Why? You want to hear
me say you were right?

Of course not!

Knowing that, and
knowing that you know it

and are tortured by it,

is plenty for this country girl.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I am sorry.

I do want to help.

Come on. Let's talk.

You want to hear about my
relationship with another woman?

Well...

Maybe, uh...

Maybe I should
find a man out there

who's intellectually
capable of helping you.

All right. Everybody line up

for the ugliest tongue contest!

Alphabetically by
height, over here!

It appears that all the
other intellectuals are busy.

You sure you want to hear this?

I'll stop you before
I get the vapors.

You see, my...
My relationship...

Lana and I are a lot friendlier

than most agents and clients.

Friendlier?

You know me.

I mean, I'm never against a
wild night of friend-making.

There's something...

I mean, now I feel

that I'm supposed to
be friendly on demand.

And you're afraid that she'll
stop getting you commercials

if you stop being friendly.

You see...

When you play in
the bigs like I did,

you get used to
a lot of attention.

And when I stopped
playing baseball,

I felt like there was
something missing in my life

and I was just hoping
that these commercials

would get it back for me.

Sam, Lana gave me a message
for you, but I can't remember it.

Lana's here?

That's it.

Oh, by the way, what
are you two doing here?

Sam, we got a lot of
customers out there.

Coach, I got a problem and
Diane's helping me talk through it.

Look, Sam. Let me
tell you something.

You've faced a lot of
tough problems, right?

And you always found a solution,

but ever since sir Isaac
Hayes came along...

No offense, Diane. I
love sir Isaac Hayes.

But, Sam, since then,

it's been talk,
talk, talk, talk, talk.

But this is a pretty
complicated problem, coach.

You see, Sam wants
to break up with Lana,

and he knows he should,

but he's afraid
that he will sacrifice

his acting career.

You see?

I don't understand
what's going on here.

Let me show you something, Sam.

Come right down here.

Coach, look...

Just please, come
right down here.

Stand right here, Sam.

Here. Pick that up.

What do you want
me to pick this up for?

Just pick it up.

Ow!

Now, get the hell out there,

and tell her that
you're finished with her.

Will you please tell him
that it's more complicated...

Out! Out! Hustle! Hustle!

What do you want me to do?

Hustle! Hustle! I mean it!

That was wonderful.

Coach, somehow your
instincts just told you...

Button it up, Diane!

There's a lot of people
out there. Move it!

Right, right, right.

Tell me something, red.

Are professional athletes

better between
the old wamsuttas.

Than ordinary men?

I've had no experience
with ordinary men.

Oh, me neither,

but I'm trying to work
my way up to one.

Believe me, athletes
take their pants off

one leg at a time

just like anybody else.

They take off their pants?

Whoa!

Hey, I'm really
glad you're here.

There's something very
important I want to talk to you about.

Sam, what do you think
of your commercial?

It was fine. Listen, I...

I thought it was wonderful.

I've had a lot of
calls about you.

Calls?

A lot of people saw you,
and they liked what they saw.

One of those calls
was an offer for you.

A national commercial.

It's big money and they
want to fly you to Hawaii.

And you're going to do the
commercial with the osmonds.

The osmonds?

The whole family?

That's right.

Even little Jimmy?

Well, we're hoping.
Now, come on.

Wasn't there something
that I wanted to say to you?

Now, now, later, later.

We've got to get
some pictures for you,

and we really should
buy you a new sport jacket

and afterwards, we can
stop off at the hotel for a bite...

And a nibble...

And a scratch.

Coach.

Sam, I'm getting real mad now!

No, no, no.

Lana... lana, uh, we
can't nibble anymore.

Why?

I just don't feel
right about it.

I see.

Does this mean that
you're no longer my agent?

Sam! What kind of
person would I have to be

to drop you as a client
just because of this?

A dragon lady.

I'm no dragon lady.

Good, good.

But I am going to drop you.

I've learned from
past experience

that once you've had an
intimate relationship with a client,

you can't go back to being
just business associates.

Perhaps it's time for
me to find a new face.

Hey, my face is new.

Good. You still
have time to return it.

She's good, Sammy.

So, uh, that's it, huh?

Yep.

Well, good luck in finding a replacement
for me in a Hawaii commercial.

If it takes me longer
than six minutes, I'll quit.

Oh, boy, she is good.

May I ask you a question?

Want to know how he was?

Wh... what?

You really think I'm
going to stand here

and listen to you tell
me how good Sam was?

Fair?

What do you want to know?

I want to know how you
can live with yourself.

I can't. That's why I like
having young athletes around.

I've always been
crazy about them.

You know, sometimes
when I'm with one,

I swear I can actually
hear the crowd cheering.

You know, I could
understand this kind of behavior

from an oversexed
adolescent or something,

but you're...

An older woman?

Middle-aged?

All the more reason
to grab some youth.

You know, there
was a time in my life

when men would invent
little tricks and schemes

to get my attention.

Well, now I'm the one who
schemes a little to get theirs.

That's not too unfair, is it?

But don't be too concerned.

Someday even that won't work.

Don't judge me

until the bloom is
off your Rose, honey.

Ta-ta.

She is good.

Field's... it's
refreshing, it's satisfying,

and you don't
feel full with field's,

you just feel fine.

Hey! Hey! All right!

Another save.

[Laughter]

Come on. Admit it. I was good.

Hey! Come on.
Say it. I was good.

You were ok.

I wasn't ok, I was good.

What's it going to do? Kill
you to admit that I was good?

All right.

You were...

G...

Good.

G... g...

Good.

You were ok.

You were good.

And you did the right thing.

Thanks. Hey.

Listen, before you
came to work at this bar,

I never thought that much
about morality and integrity.

You made me
aware of all that stuff

for the first time.

Thank you, Sam.

That's why I'm firing you.

You can leave your
apron right there.