Charmed (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 3 - Happily Ever After - full transcript

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"A year after the death of Snow White's mother,

the king remarried, but his new bride was, in fact, a wicked witch, one consumed by jealousy— "

What are you still doing up?

Not sleeping, as usual.

First trimester nonsense, I guess.

You want me to mix you up a potion?

Oh, no, thanks.

I don't want to turn my baby into a guinea pig.

I got enough to worry about.

Like I'd ever risk turning my future niece into a rodent. Please.



No. I was speaking figuratively, and it is not a knock at your super witch kick.

It's just I don't want to subject her to anything that could be remotely bad for her, that's all.

Well, then, maybe you should put away those silly fairy tales.

Silly? You think fairy tales are silly?

Yeah, they're all about'helpless women' needing'big, strong men' to come and rescue them,

plus they're filled with evil witches.

You really want to teach your kid that?

No. I want to teach her values, and that's what fairy tales are best at.

You know, good overcomes evil.

That's how Grams taught us.

Well, my grandmother taught me values just fine without big, bad wolves devouring little girls.

You want my advice?

Not really.

You should ditch the fiction and do what all other moms- to- be do,
and that is to rely on your natural instincts.



My natural instincts are to panic.

And besides, every other mother- to- be does not have to worry
about her child orbing out to Tahiti when they are sent to their room.

I don't have a clue.

Luckily you have two magical sisters who are gonna help you any way they can.

So don't worry, honey. You're gonna be just fine.

I hope so.

Now, where were we?

"A year after the death of Snow White's mother, the king remarried,

but his new bride was, in fact, a wicked witch, one consumed by jealousy.

Every day, she asked the magic mirror the same question."

Aren't you dead yet?

Still so bitter after all these centuries?

Some things never change.

Careful, my boy.

Those are not just symbols.

They are pieces of history.

I understand.

Never forget— the power of every fairy tale emanates from each of these.

Their magic continues to shape every child born, even to this day,

which makes the task of preserving and protecting them much greater.

No! The mirror! Don't let it fall!

Thanks so much. I thought I'd never get out of there.

Now, this is the way to begin a story.

Who are you?

A little rusty on your fairy tales, I see.

Evil Witch? Magic Mirror? Speaks only The Truth?

Perhaps this will help.

Freedom's loss must be unwitting,

Into the glass to do my bidding.

Now... amuse me.

Not that you have any choice.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most powerful witch of all?

You're much stronger than most witches I see,

yet, truth be told, there are three more powerful than thee.

We'll see about that.

Happily Ever After

Where's the baby?

It's ok. You're ok.

I think I had a nightmare.

Yeah, the Brothers Grimm strike again.

I wonder how they got their name.

Where's Leo?

I don't know.

I think he's helping one of his charges.

What are you doing?

Failing miserably.

I can't seem to make this Protection Potion work.

Well, that's because it can't be done.

Well, according to the book, it can.

Your Grams was working on an entry, so that means she was close to figuring one out.

Well, too bad she's not around.

She could help us both out.

I just— I need a little guidance.

What about your friend Wendy?

She just had a baby. Ask her.

Yeah, not one that could heal herself from the womb.

I just wish I could talk to somebody who's been through this before.

There you are.

Paige, did you ever make that vanquishing potion?

Vanquishing potion?

The one for Cole. You know. Remember?

I gave you the letter opener with his blood on it.

Right. Vanquishing potion. I'm sorry.

I didn't know you needed that right away. Did you?

Well, if the nightmare I had last night turns out to be a premonition,

then, yeah, big- time.

He had me back in the underworld as his queen.

Well, yeah, but you've had that nightmare before.

I've lived that nightmare before.

We all have.

But this time we have to be prepared.

No arguments here.

And he's got a lot more powers now, so there's no telling how he's gonna come after me.

You guys have to be really, really careful. Ok?

What, you think Cole's gonna try and kill us.

That would not be exactly the best way to win you back.

Yeah, but it wouldn't be the first time he tried.

But he just helped us save her.

Only because he didn't want to lose me.

All I'm saying is we've got to be ready just in case he tries something.

He is still a demon.

Call me at work if you get the potion. Ok?

Wanna see more?

No!

I think I've seen enough to know how to kill them.

Powerful though you are, I doubt it can be done,

for good magic protects the Charmed Ones.

Still, I wonder if it can protect them against such powerful magic as we have here.

It's certainly worth a try.

But using the props for evil could —

change the meaning of fairy tales?

Shift them away from good?

So be it.

Let's begin with Snow White.

She was easy prey.

Woodsman, come forth.

Bring me the heart of the witch who's as "white as snow".

As you wish.

Now, mirror, mirror, show me the sister who's been burned by love.

I know, I know. I am very, very late.

It's ok. I switched your 9:00 with the 2:00,

I bumped your 10:00 to 12:00, and I made your 11:00 a lunch so you can expense it.

I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds great.

Any messages?

Yeah. Your divorce attorney called, then Cole, Cole, and Cole again.

Get my divorce attorney on the phone.

I'm sorry.

I'll get some paper towels.

Oh, that's ok.

Thanks

I really am terribly sorry.

I'd be happy to pay for the dry cleaning.

That's not necessary.

Prinze. Adam Prinze.

Hi. Adam, I'm—

I read your column.

You do?

You seem surprised.

You're not exactly my target audience unless
you're a closet housewife pining for love.

Well, one out of two is not bad.

Sorry. Got hung up in traffic.

Wh- what are you doing here?

You two know each other?

We're married.

but- but about to be divorced.

I didn't want this to affect your decision on whether or not to buy the paper.

Wh— buy what— this paper?

Adam's family owns several newspapers across the country, Phoebe.

Tv stations, too.

And Cole, through his law firm, was the one that suggested
I might be interested in buying this one.

That's fascinating stuff right there.

Excuse us.

I don't know what you're up to,

but, whatever it is, it is not gonna work.

Don't you think you're being a little paranoid?

With my demon ex- husband from hell?

No, Cole. I don't.

Look, I'm just trying to help you, ok?

I found out that Adam liked your column, so I figured if he could syndicate it, then—

If you hurt me or my sisters, I will vanquish you,

and this time I'll make sure it sticks.

You all right?

Yeah. I'll be fine.

So, I guess this is probably not the best time to ask you out.

I mean, not on a date, per se,

it's just that I'm hosting a charity fund- raiser tonight at the St. Regis,

and I thought maybe if you're interested...

I'm interested.

and very, very flattered, but...

you're probably right.

It's not the best time for me. You know?

Yeah. Sure.

Rain check?

Absolutely.

You heard me, Leo.

I want you to bring Grams back. Now.

Ok, I can't do that. She's dead.

Well, I realize that. Thank you very much, Leo.

I'm not asking you to resurrect her.

I just need her here for a little while for some advice.

Then why don't you try conjuring her?

You did it once before.

Yeah, ok, but that was a unique situation. Ok?

And besides, I already tried. It didn't work.

Look, I know this doesn't seem important, but it is to me.

I can't do this alone.

Well, you're not alone.

I'm here.

Yeah, I know, and it's not your fault,

but there's only so much you can do.

I'm the one that's carrying the baby, and I don't want to screw it up.

But that's ridiculous.

No, it's not ridiculous.

It is not ridiculous at all, and this is not raging hormones talking.

This is a very special baby with very special needs,

and I need someone pretty damn special to help me figure it out,

and when I say "now" I mean "NOW"!

Thank you.

don't thank me. I didn't do anything.

What am I doing here and... corporeal to boot?

Well, what do you mean?

Didn't you come on your own power?

Honey, I'm good, but I'm not that good.

Well, as long as I'm here...

don't I get a hug?

But, wait. I still don't understand.

Who summoned you?

The baby?

No.

You think?

Maybe you tapped into her power somehow and made your wish come true.

Oh, you wished for me? Why?

Because I need help. I need your advice.

I need to know how to get ready for this baby.

Oh, well, that's easy.

Now, let's see.

Have you been exercising your powers daily?

Do I need to?

Well, you know, if you don't want to lose control of them.

Did you perform a ritual to promote growth?

Did you cast a spell to ward off demonic parasites?

Sweetheart, what did you do?

We built a nursery in our bedroom closet.

Closet? Well, no wonder this baby called me.

Come on. We'll start in there. We've got plenty of work to do.

Oh, my goodness.

Don't tell me you're already interviewing nannies.

You're even more beautiful than I imagined.

And you are...

Why, I'm your Grams, of course.

Come here.

Quick, go clean up the nursery.

No offense, but,

aren't you supposed to be dead?

Oh, I'm over that.

Look at you.

I mean, you're absolutely gorgeous.

You have my mother's eyes.

she was a real looker, too.

I bet you have plenty of boyfriends, right?

Actually, not a problem I'm having right now, Mrs. Halliwell.

Oh, please. Call me Grams.

What the hell was that?

What's going on?

Try as you might, fairy tale magic runs out at midnight.

There's still plenty of time.

The woodsman failed, but I won't.

I'll split the witches up and make sure that none of them lives happily ever after.

I'm telling you that was a demon.

No crazy person off the street is that good with an axe.

Except since when do demons attack with an axe?

Athame, axe. What's the difference?

Who cares?

Let's just see if there's any more where he came from.

I mean, I certainly don't want a body if it's gonna get chopped up.

Well, Piper says you're the super witch.

What do you think he was?

I don't know.

Although there was something about him that looked familiar.

A little like this, maybe?

The Woodsman. Of course.

You recognized him, too.

I read fairy tales to my baby, just like you read to me.

Well, I'm glad you're finally doing something.

Wait. You're saying

a fairy tale character came to life and attacked us.

Come on.

Why not? They're real.

I mean, at least, they used to be.

What?

I can see I have lots to teach you, too.

Fairy tales are not all fables, my dear.

Some are recountings of ancient battles between Good and Evil.

And they're as much a part of our heritage as anything in the Book of Shadows.

You expect me to believe that there are giant beanstalks
and gingerbread houses that actually existed?

You used to think the evil enchantress was just a fairy tale, too, didn't you?

That was different. That was—

A past life of yours.

Hey, you guys was anyone here when this got

Grams.

In the flesh... so to speak.

It's so good to see you.

Wait, what did I just hug?

Where'd you get the body from?

It's a long story, and speaking of stories,

a fairy tale just tried to slice our heads off.

A fairy tale.

The woodsman from Snow White.

Well, that would explain where these came from.

Glass slippers.

Cinderella's, no doubt. Cole knows it's my favorite.

Cole? You think Cole is doing all of this?

Who else has enough power to turn fairy tales against us?

I told you he was gonna attack.

Except it was an Evil Witch who sent the Woodsman in Snow White.

I think I better go check with the elders.

I think you better.

What are you doing?

Proving that I'm right.

that's risky. You don't know what could happen.

I know that Cole won't hurt me. Physically, anyway.

as much as I distrust him, we don't know that it's him behind this.

All the more reason to play along and find out who is.

We can't just sit around here and wait to be attacked.

She could get killed.

Piper, a little support here.

If Grams thinks it's a good idea, who am I to disagree?

See?

No problem. I'm fine.

Actually, I'm better than fine.

Where are you going?

I don't know! I can't stop!

- Get out of them!
- I can't!

The door. The door!

Grams, what do we do?

Just let her go.

We're never gonna be able to get to the bottom of this if you don't.

Follow her.

Orb her out if she gets in trouble.

She's already in trouble!

Help!

I'm gonna have to help you get ready to be a mother later.

Right now we've got to deal with evil witches.

Right.

Oh, not that book.

This one.

Listen, I am very interested in making an offer,

but I am on my way to a charity event right now.

Can we talk first thing in the morning?

Great. Thank you.

What the hell...

How can I serve you, My Queen?

Just be a charming prince.

Meet Cinderella at the ball,

but be certain that she's in the carriage at midnight.

Otherwise you won't have a happy ending, either.

I'm walking here!

Get out of the street!

Don't you have any way of controlling those things?

They didn't exactly come with an instruction manual, Paige!

They stopped.

Yeah, but why did they stop?

Well, he's got style. I'll give him that much.

Ok, I his is getting too weird.

We're getting out of here.

Excuse me, sir. Did Cole Turner send you?

Hello! I asked you a question.

Ok, whatever happens, you are not getting into that—

Phoebe, no!

Looks like he wants Cinderella to go to the ball alone,

just like in the story!

Hold on!

I'll orb you out.

No. Go back to the manor.

But what about you?

Look, I'll call for Leo if I'm in danger. Ok?

She's already in danger.

We never should have split up.

No offense, Mrs. Halliwell.

"Grams", and none taken.

Yeah, well, if what we heard is true,

then Phoebe could be in a lot more danger than we think.

We all could.

And if somebody's using fairy tales for evil, he could rewrite them,

corrupt them for every future generation.

How? How can you rewrite them?

They're already in print.

Yeah, but every copy is a manifestation of an original.

An original that was entrusted to the Keeper of the fairy tales long ago for protection.

The Elders think something has happened to him —

that somebody took over the fortress from the inside.

An Evil Witch, I might add.

Why don't we just orb to this fortress and kick her butt?

Because nobody knows where it is.

Its location has been kept secret, even from the Elders.

Where was their infinite wisdom on the day that was decided?

The point is we have no way of finding her.

Piper, I'm surprised at you.

I mean, she's a witch, isn't she?

Just scry for her.

Oh! Right.

Then, after you find her,

you lure her back here to us and we vanquish her with the potion.

What potion?

One that works wonders on Evil Witches.

Come, I'll show you.

Nah.

Maybe we could also work on your Protection Potion if we have time.

You all right?

I need to concentrate.

She'll find you, and by midnight, too.

I want her to find me, part of me anyway.

Hair in the cloak?

That's not in the little red riding hood tale.

No, but luring them away from grandmother's house is...

and so is the big, bad wolf.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through.

Excuse me.

Phoebe, you came. I'm so glad.

Yeah. Well, I didn't really have much of a choice.

You look fabulous.

Thanks.

I just hope you're not here with someone else.

Oh, no.

I am definitely not here with someone else,

even if that someone else thinks I am.

Sorry?

Well, speak of the devil.

What are you doing here?

As if you don't know.

Actually, I don't.

Listen, Cole. These boots may be made for walking,

but they're never walking back to you, buddy.

Boots?

You know what I mean.

Am I up to something again?

Listen, why don't we get a drink?

Oh, you two here together?

Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that part of your master plan?

There is no master plan.

At least not one that'll work.

Ok, you ready?

Phoebe, wait.

Listen, why don't you back off, pal?

Excuse me?

Ok, you know what? Leave him alone, Cole.

Let him go.

Are you ok?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

You ready?

Phoebe, I don't think you should—

I don't care what you think.

Just stay the hell away from me.

You must take care to cut the mandrake root to expose the meat.

Otherwise, it doesn't do any good,

and then you simply roll them in mustard seed, but not too heavily, and then...

good- bye, evil witch.

Wow, I can't believe you did that without looking at the book once.

Honey, I wrote the book, all the good potions anyway.

Would you be a dear and get me a vial?

Oh, yeah, sure.

The vial?

I'm sorry.

You know, it's a good thing you quit your job.

You catch on quickly, and you have a real gift for the craft.

How'd you know I quit my job.

How'd you know I even had a job?

Oh, I peek.

I mean, you know, sometimes—

oh, but never during a private moment.

Thanks, I guess.

I mean, what choice do I have?

Ok, no offense, Mrs. Halliwell—

Grams.

Ok, that's my point.

I already had a Grams, one I really, really loved,

and, yes, technically, we're related, and you're my grandmother, too.

I guess it just feels a little odd because...

I don't know you.

I understand...

and I wouldn't dream of trying to replace someone as special to you as that, but...

isn't it possible that maybe there might be a little room left in your heart for me, too?

Someday?

Well, at least I can see where I get my stubbornness from.

I better get a couple of vials for Phoebe and Piper, too.

Grams?

You don't need Grams to do the scrying.

What's gotten into you?

I don't know.

I suddenly feel like I can't make any decisions at all.

I feel like I'm ten years old again around her.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, let me guess. Little Red Riding Hood's?

Wait. We're off the beaten path, aren't we?

Oh, no. Grams.

What happened?

I'm afraid she's... dead.

I know there's something in here somewhere about poison.

We are not giving up.

This is a stinkin' fairy tale.

If Snow White can come back to life, then Paige can, too.

Right, Grams?

Well, I wouldn't get my hopes up.

What are you talking about?

You're supposed to be the expert.

There's got to be some way.

How about a kiss?

A kiss?

It worked for Snow White. It's worth a shot.

A kiss, yes. By all means.

Come, let's find her boyfriend.

She doesn't have a boyfriend, remember?

Right. Sorry.

Ooh, boy, my... stomach is really upset.

Wait, I got a spell.

Hear our call for those who fall.

Purge her to awaken from this toxic taken.

Nothing.

Grams, what do we do?

We focus on vanquishing the evil witch in hopes that it reverses the dark magic.

It's our only hope.

Did you finish the vanquishing potion?

No, unfortunately. Bad batch.

Leo, would you be a lamb and see who that is?

Honey, you might want to come look at this.

What? What is it?

Someone here eat a poison apple?

You know, there's a fine line between love and hate.

What?

It's just I'm not sure if you're dancing with me or for Cole.

To make him jealous, I mean.

Oh, no, it's not like that at all.

It's just very complicated.

I see.

Well, I could always have him fired if that would help.

Really?

Absolutely. Just say the word.

- Word.
- Done.

You know, it's almost midnight.

What do you say we get out of here?

Hold that thought.

I don't know what happened to you, but I do know evil when I see it.

And you're it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

No of course you don't,

but if you try to hurt Phoebe, I'll kill you.

She's... dead?

What do you mean she's dead?

Don't worry. The dwarves are all over it.

The dwarves?

Piper cast a spell that winded up summoning the descendants of the seven dwarves.

Actually, they prefer to be called Little People now.

Snow White and the Little People.

Look, the point is that they preserve the dead. It's what they do.

At least it'll buy us time until we can vanquish the evil witch who's behind all this.

Cole is behind all of this.

Not according to the elders, he's not.

What— I-

Look, even if he is responsible, there's nothing more that you can do here.

Piper needs you back home to try and save Paige.

When's her prince getting here?

She doesn't have a prince.

No prince. Then who's gonna kiss her?

I'll do it.

In your dreams, Stinky. I'll do it.

I told you not to call me that.

People! A little professional decorum here, please.

Forgive them. It's been a while.

Sweetheart... What are you doing with that?

Well, I'm not gonna sit around and wait for the wolf to attack.

Wolf? What wolf?

From little Red Riding Hood.

This cloak is meant for me.

You don't believe that silly old story, do you?

Grams, you're the one that says fairy tales are based in truth.

Well, yes, but that one was made up to scare little kids.

I mean, after all, a little girl gets eaten in the end. What a downer.

No. The woodsman comes and cuts open the wolf's stomach

and frees her and the grandmother.

That's not the popular version.

Well, it's in our version.

Really? Show me.

Think she knows that's a wolf?

Not our business.

Ok, let's orb.

Phoebe, where you going?

Who is this guy?

This is my brother- in- law.

Something has happened, and I gotta get home. I'm really sorry, Adam.

Then let me give you a ride.

Don't go anywhere with this guy.

How could you have done this?

Ah, done what?

Come on.

Phoebe, wait!

Leave her alone.

Keep him away from me.

Leo, he's evil.

Really? And what are you?

"So Red Riding Hood comes into the house and finds the wolf dressed as her grandmother."

As if she wouldn't see through that.

Skip down.

Ok, let's see. She says,

"Grandmother, what big ears you have."

The better to hear you with, my dear.

And then, "what big eyes you have."

The better to see you with, my dear.

Yeah, yeah. And then...

"what big teeth you have."

The better to eat you with, my dear!

What are we doing out here?

The end.

Put it down.

Gently.

I can't.

The witch will kill me.

And so will I.

You don't want to hurt her.

What am I going to do with you?

Keep your hands off my pumpkin.

Where's my wife?

Where's my wife?

Are you ok?

Yeah, I think so.

How did you—

She blew him up from the inside.

Although it took her long enough.

Back off, Grams. I just saved your ass.

She's back.

Your sister, and... I had nothing to do with this, I swear.

What are we going to do now?

Well, we do what we were going to do in the first place.

We find the witch who did this and vanquish her.

Do you know how to find her?

Wait a minute. I think I do.

The wolf was trying to get into the book of fairy tales.

Perhaps it's a portal of some sort.

Although I don't know how we access it.

Well, we can't.

But maybe...

Little Red Riding Hood can.

I knew I was going to have to put on this stupid thing sooner or later.

Don't forget the potion.

Go on. Show her who's the Most Powerful Witch of all.

Why won't you answer my question?

Why won't you tell me what I want to hear?

You know as well as I that I cannot tell a lie.

Damn it.

Well, then, if I'm not the most powerful witch in the land, who is?

Take a wild guess.

You! That's not possible!

The wolf ate you. I saw it.

Yeah, well, I didn't agree with him.

See if this agrees with you.

No. No, I'm melting. I'm melting! I'm melting!

You saved me.

Are you the Keeper?

No, his Apprentice...

or at least I was.

Oh, no. Wait.

If he didn't come back to life, does that mean my sisters won't either?

No, no, they were victims of fairy tale magic.

So when you saved the fairly tales, you saved them, too.

Ah, a glass slipper's missing.

Must mean that story hasn't found a happy ending yet.

Well, I guess this makes you the new keeper.

I guess so.

Any idea how I get the heck out of here?

All right, can someone please tell me how I got in a coffin?

You were dead, dear...

but, bright side, at least now we have something in common.

You know, you really ought to get yourself a prince,

in case this ever happens again.

Who are you?

We'll send you the bill.

Let's go, men.

You're ok.

That means the witch is vanquished.

So where's—

Is everybody ok?

Well, thanks to you, they are.

Well, I suppose that means it's time for me to go.

Mind giving me a lift?

Well, why do you have to go at all?

Because I don't belong here anymore.

See, you thought you needed me,

but I was only here to remind you that you don't.

Not even for her.

Ok, but what about me?

I feel like I didn't get to spend any time with you.

That's ok. I don't stay dead long.

Good point.

Well, do I at least get a hug good- bye?

It was great to finally meet you... grams.

Be safe, my darlings.

Where are you going?

I need to catch up on my fairy tales.

I guess I'm gonna catch up on some sleep.

You want me to say it, don't you?

I was wrong.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

It's not your fault.

I lost your trust a long time ago.

I can't expect to earn it back overnight.

I don't think I'm going to trust anyone anytime soon.

Do you mean Adam?

He was just being used by the witch.

He's a good guy.

Really?

I don't think I can even tell anymore.

What are we doing here?

Rebuilding your trust.

You liked him when you first met him, right?

Yeah. So?

So he's not under a spell.

Why don't you see if your original instincts were right?

Look, I don't want you to fall in love with him, Phoebe...

but you need to realize he's not evil.

Why are you doing this?

Because unless you learn to trust yourself again,

you'll never learn to trust me.