Charmed (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 13 - House Call - full transcript

Hey, it's so good to talk to you.

I was getting worried about you. You've
been gone for far too long, Glen.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I should have called and let you know
that I was all right.

Guess I ended up staying
a little longer than I thought.

That's okay. You'll just have to take me
to dinner tomorrow night

to make it up to me.

Dinner. I can't tomorrow night, Paige.
I got plans.

I still wanna meet you, though.
I mean, I really wanna see you.

Good, because...

...there's actually something
I really want to talk to you about.



Really? Sounds mysterious.

That's actually great,
because there's something

that I really wanna
talk to you about too.

Great. Then it's a date.

- So I'll see you at 11:00.
- Eleven o'clock is good,

eleven o'clock is great.
The usual place, the lake?

Damn it, no.

Or we can meet wherever.

Stop it, I said.

Stop what?

Nothing. I'll just... Yeah.

I'll see you tomorrow, it'll be great.

I am so sick of this.

Piper?



What are you doing?

I'm putting the diapers back where
they belong, that is what I'm doing.

But it's 2 in the morning.

Yeah, well, apparently
our little ghosts and goblins

are not sleeping, so how can I?

I wish they would just attack us,
rather than move stuff around.

I told you, they're not ghosts.
They're pests.

Residual energy left over from
all the demons you vanquished here.

Besides, the Elders said
they would dissipate over time.

Yeah. Okay, well, they're not
dissipating, it's getting worse.

They're, like, organizing
and they're making it impossible

for me to keep the baby things
in order.

I know, but it's 2 in the morning.

I'm telling you, Leo,
they are trying to drive me crazy.

What was that?

What the hell is going on?

- Hi.
- Phoebe, what are you doing?

I am cleansing the house.

At 2:00 in the morning?

Phoebe. Phoebe.

Phoebe, hold it.

What, what?

You're polluting the place.
What is that crap?

The strongest purification
in the Book oF Shadows.

- You think that's gonna help?
- It better,

because Cole's residual evil
is taking on a life of its own.

And look at my hair.
I woke up, it was in a ponytail.

I did not put it in a ponytail.

And you think Cole
is connected to this?

Well, yeah. After all the time
he spent here, how could he not be?

This house needs some serious
feng shui-ing.

Oh, give me that.

I'm telling you guys, it's all harmless,

it's gonna go away by itself.

Phoebe!

Piper, blow it up.

- Do something!
- Electricity.

Poltergeists don't like electricity.

You were saying?

Why are you so sure
that it wasn't a poltergeist?

I mean, it definitely didn't like
getting zapped, that's for sure.

I know, but poltergeists are spirits,
this was more like a manifestation.

A manifestation of what?
Cole's leftover energy?

Well, not just Cole's,

but every bit of evil
that's been through here.

It seems to be coalescing
into some sort of being.

- Gee, you think?
- Look, I know. I'm sorry,

I underestimated it.
It's just I've never heard of it

getting this bad before, that's all.

Well, you're forgiven.
Now, how do we get rid of it?

- I don't know.
- Don't worry, I will find a way.

Where there's a yin, there's a yang.

Okay, I have no idea
what that means,

but I do know that I cannot raise
a child in this environment, people.

Piper, you're not due
for another couple of months.

Exactly, I am running out of time.

Good morning.
How do you like my outfit?

You look like
you're not gonna help clean up.

You have got that right.

I'm gonna go meet Glen. And besides,
isn't everything just gonna

- get messed up again anyways?
- Bite your tongue.

A little dressed up for Glen.
Looks more like you're going on a date.

- Maybe I am.
- Excuse me?

Did I just hear correctly?

You and Glen together again?

I hope so,
I kind of wanna talk to him about that.

Really? Fascinating.

Haven't you and Glen dated
many times before?

Yeah, we've kind of been hanging out
on and off

since high school, you know.

I see. So you think maybe this time
it might work out?

I hope so. Especially because lately,

I'll be out on a date, and then
I just wind up thinking about him.

Proof of love.

At least he knows you're a witch.
You don't have to hide anything.

That is a very good point.

All right, Sally, go meet Harry.
Good luck.

Thank you.

If you need me, you know I'm just
an orb away. Just holler.

Would now be a bad time?

Hey, hey. I think I've found something.

A witch doctor?

Okay, liverwort
and a pinch of dragonroot.

- Dragonroot.
- Okay.

- Got it.
- Wait,

- shouldn't we be talking about this?
- What is there to talk about, Leo?

It says right here
that they expel evil spirits.

Still, that doesn't mean they're good.
Witch doctors are kind of a wild card,

that's why the Elders don't want us
working with them.

Well, sometimes we don't wanna
work with the Elders, so we're even.

Besides, do you have a better idea?

- No.
- Okay, then.

Get the snakeskin ready,
and after I read the spell,

then you throw it in.

Free us From the ties that bind
OF evil magic intertwined

We call upon the one who cures
He who to the dark inured

Ready?

How may I be of service?

Are you a witch doctor?

Let me guess.
You were expecting someone

with a bone through the nose and
a shrunken-head necklace perhaps?

Yeah, actually. Yeah, yeah.

You know, you make this huge effort
to change with the times,

it's always the stereotypes
that persist.

Now...

...where is the evil?

Here, there...

...everywhere.

You ever vanquished a demon
in this house by any chance?

Oh, only about a hundred.

- Give or take.
- Another hundred.

Explains all the evil energy
I'm sensing.

This is going to take some time.

Yeah, well, can you do it?

Absolutely.

- May I?
- Go for it.

I'm gonna keep an eye on him.

All right, I'm gonna go see Glen.

I have to go to work.

Goodbye, my little baby,
and I love you so much.

But...

Well, hey. Don't worry about me.

I'll just clean this all up by myself.

Did you see what that turkey did?

Good morning, Phoebe.
How are you?

It's a full-page ad.

Spencer Ricks is challenging me with
this chauvinistic crap. Listen to this.

"Ask Phoebe says,
'Every woman needs to find

her own inner goddess."' Right?

"Spencer Ricks says, 'That's fine,
as long as she cooks and cleans."'

Can you believe that?

He's just trying to drum up publicity
by being controversial.

Yeah, well, that's not gonna work.

- Is it?
- It's working so far.

The Daily readership is up
because of his advice column,

- and we're a little down.
- Well, what are we gonna do?

- We can't just ignore this.
- We're not.

As a matter of fact,
the other editors and I

have decided to fight fire with fire.

- Lf, that is, you're open to it.
- Absolutely.

Whatever it takes to vanquish
the competition,

I'm all... You know,
defeat the competi...

I'm just a very competitive person,
you know.

Oh, I've noticed, which is why I think
you're gonna like our little plan.

We've arranged a photo shoot for you
today at 3:00.

- A photo shoot?
- 415 is doing an expos?

on local celebrities.
We want you to be a part of it.

L... I don't know, Elise.

Oh, it's all going to be very tasteful,
of course.

Although I want you to feel free
to show off as many of your lovely...

...assets
as you feel comfortable with.

Elise, I don't know if I can do that.
I mean, why stoop to that, you know?

I am an advice columnist,
I'm not some...

...Playmate.

Okay. I respect that.

Although you should know that
Spencer Ricks will be in the issue.

What time did you say
I have to be there?

Paige?

Hi.

- I like your hair.
- Thank you.

Serious hug.

Yeah, well, I missed you.

I missed you too.
You look really great.

Thank you. So do you.

How was your climb?
It was the Matterhorn, right?

It was awesome.

There was a lot more people there
than when we were there, though.

- That's too bad.
- Yeah.

So, what about you?

You kill any demons lately?

Of course, but I probably
shouldn't talk about that here.

Right, right. Sorry. Sorry.

- So...
- So...

- Okay, you go first, I insist.
- Okay, okay. Well,

I'm getting married.

- What?
- I wanted you to be the first to know.

After my parents, of course. But...

You're getting married?

Oh, here she is, here she is.
Jessica.

Sorry I'm so late,
I couldn't find parking anywhere. Hi.

- Hi.
- You must be Paige.

Glen's told me so much about you.

It's nice to finally meet you.

It's great to see you.

So, what'd you wanna tell me?

I hope you got it.

That was a little bitty baby one.

Big Mama's still hiding somewhere.

But I'll find her.

Don't you worry.

These walls are clogged
with evil waste.

Worst I've ever seen.

You sure these are good witches
that live here?

The best.

Although one of them
is gonna go very evil on us

if we don't get this room cleaned up
in a hurry, believe me.

- Is that a fact?
- Well, not literally.

All I mean is that you need to
finish up here in a hurry, that's all.

I understand.

What are you doing?

Did you just take something?

You mean this lipstick?

Well, I'm having trouble differentiating
between the witches' magic and evil.

Personal items help me
separate them better.

That's if it's all right with you,
of course.

I guess.

You don't trust me, do you?

Pity.

Witch doctors help rid the world
of dark spirits.

Now, I would think that you'd think

that was a good thing.

Hey, I heard an explosion.
What's going on up there?

Don't worry, everything's okay.

I am a little worried,

and I need to know
if this is gonna work or not.

Once I capture Big Mama,
it'll all be over with.

Big Mama? Who's Big Mama?

He's getting married, that dirty rat.

- Who?
- Glen.

He's getting married to some bimbette
he met climbing the Matterhorn.

- At Disneyland?
- No, Switzerland.

Oh, but me, I'm lucky,
because I got an invitation to the...

...wedding.
- Hey, pick that up.

I mean, I was on the phone with him.

He had plenty of time
to tell me about this, but no,

he couldn't mention a single thing.

Lucky, lucky me,
I didn't say what I really wanted.

I really... I think I would have died.

Excuse me.

- So, what are you gonna do?
- Do?

Well, I'm gonna kill him.

No, I'm gonna apologize
because I'm a good girl.

I was a little bit rude,
especially to her.

Although I don't know what
he sees in her.

She's not his type at all.

She's blond.

Stand back.

Gotcha.

Oh, guess I'm not watching
The Osbournes tonight.

You okay?

Yeah.

My work here is complete.

Your house has been cleansed.

Doesn't look very cleansed to me.

- Well?
- The house has been purged.

Although how it became infested
in the first place is very troublesome.

Go on.

Whoever these witches are,
they're magnets for evil.

It's drawn to their powers.

- Can they withstand it?
- Doubtful.

They're easily distracted
by the pettiness of their lives.

Sooner or later,
evil will overtake them.

And along with it, their powers.

Then we must eliminate them.

Didn't we just do this?

Yeah, and I still think you should have
made Paige stay and help.

Well, apparently,
she has her own mess to clean up.

Hopefully we don't have
to do this again any time soon.

Are you kidding me?

With exploding demons
and trampling sisters,

this place is a disaster area always.

I have no idea what it's gonna be like
when the baby comes.

Well, I'm more concerned
with the witch doctor right now.

Why, because he took my lipstick?

And Paige's keys.

You don't know that he took those.

I mean, she loses her keys daily.

Maybe. All I'm saying is there's
something not right with him, that's all.

Well, he took care of the things
that go bump in the night,

so that's all I care about.

- What happened in here?
- We've been healed.

Really? Way to go, doc.

- I gotta go change.
- Why? Where are you going?

To a photo shoot.

To compromise my integrity.

I'm going to kill the competition.

All right, then. Whatever that means.

Hey, a picture's missing.

- What?
- Yeah. The one of you

and Phoebe, Paige.

- Went right here.
- Maybe it fell out.

No, it was glued in.

Come on, why would he want
a picture of us?

I don't know. I'm not a witch doctor.

All I'm saying is he obviously
wanted it for something.

Hey, who stole my toothbrush?

I'll go make the summoning potion.

I'll go check with the Elders.

If these witches are as powerful
as you say they are,

how will you kill them?

By attacking them...

...as humans.

Women.

With each likeness...

...I'll turn their character flaws
into obsessions.

Obsessions...

...that will consume them.

Destroy them.

Glen?

Excuse me.

You're mad.

No, I'm not mad, Paige.
I'm just confused.

What happened to you this morning?
Why were you so mean to Jess?

I wasn't mean necessarily.
I was just rude.

Fine, whatever. Why?

I guess I felt like you
just kind of came along

and dropped this
huge bombshell on me...

...and I was hurt.

Hurt? Why?

- Wait, you thought you and l...?
- No.

No. I didn't think that at all.

Glen?

The minister's waiting.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Jessica, I wanted to apologize
for not being very friendly earlier.

I really am sorry.

Well, thank you.
Thanks for saying that.

I just don't understand
what Glen's doing

with such a blond bimbette.

- What?
- And really,

who's the surgeon
who does those boobs?

Because they are fantastic.

I should get the number
for a friend of mine.

Paige, what the hell
is wrong with you?

Me? Well, nothing's wrong with me.

I'm not the one marrying
the wrong woman.

Oh, my God.

Wait, Jessica. Jessica.

What are you doing?

Next.

Liverwort, dragon's root...

How close are you
to summoning him?

A little bit of snakeskin
and a bad rhyme away. Why?

The Elders think the witch doctor
has been stealing your stuff

- to put a hex on you.
- A hex? For what?

He thinks you're evil too,

which is why the sooner
you summon him, the better.

- Piper, what are you doing?
- Cleaning up.

Right now?

You know, you can never really get
a dish sanitary enough, can you?

Dirty.

Dirty. All dirty.

Piper. What is the matter with you?

What is the matter with me?
I don't know.

Are those water spots?

Much better.

Okay. All right, you keep cleaning,
and I'll be back with help.

Last...

...but not least...

...Phoebe.

This is excellent. Excellent.

Good.

Excellent.

You're a natural at this.

I don't know about all that.

I'm not even sure why I'm doing this,
actually.

You're doing this to blow
Spencer Ricks out of the water, honey,

and we both know it.
A little more skin wouldn't hurt.

No.

I can't do that.

It's your career. Reload.

Got it.

Phoebe.

- Leo, what are you doing here?
- I gotta get you home.

Something's wrong with Piper.

Excuse me?

Who are you?

Me? I'm her brother-in-law.

Well, good for you,
but this is a closed set.

Buh. As in "buh-bye."

Sorry, but there's kind of
a family emergency.

Sorry. I should have realized.

No, it's okay.

I'll stay.

Okay. We're... We're shooting.

Get the fan going. We're shooting.

We're shooting and we're sh...

Brother-in-law person,
can you disappear?

Excellent.

Beautiful.

- So, what, now you're defending her?
- No, Jess.

It's just... All I'm trying to say is
that's not like Paige.

She insults me, humiliates me,
and now you're trying to explain it?

She was out of her head,
she didn't know what she was saying.

Oh, my God, don't even try.

She knew exactly what
she was saying to me, Glen.

She didn't mean it, I'm telling you.

I've known her forever.

Well, then, fine.

Why don't you marry her.

Rough day?

What are you doing in my car?

Waiting for you.

Careful, now,
you wouldn't wanna fall.

What happened? Where am I?

You pissed off a witch,
that's what happened.

What?

Help. Help!

This is gonna be fun.

Okay, feather, feather.
Where do we keep the feathers?

- Where do we keep the feathers?
- Oh, my God, you've made a mess.

- Where are the feathers?
- What do you want feathers for?

Killer potion for Spencer Ricks.

Second cabinet, under F.

I alphabetized.
It's much more orderly.

I see it. Perfect.

- Hey, what are those?
- Slipcovers,

to keep the furniture clean.

Although I've come to
the conclusion

that we should probably just stand
from now on.

Whatever.

Okay.

Piper, just so you know,
I may have to flee the country,

but just for a little while,
and I will call you, okay?

Oh, no you don't, missy,

there will be no fleeing the country
until you clean up after yourself.

No, no, no. I'm sorry. I can't.

I'm possessed.

That is not an excuse.

Paige?

Thank God you're here.
We have serious problems.

Like what?

Like, why are you wearing
a wedding dress?

Because I'm going to get married.

- Thanks to my whitelighter powers.
- Oh, no.

I convinced Glen
to move up the ceremony

before that crazy ex of his
gets in the way again.

Clever, huh?

Nose job, should have guessed.

Paige, you can't do this.
This isn't you.

It is now.

At least until after the honeymoon,
then maybe I'll switch back.

- That's my cue.
- Okay, wait, stop.

I can't let you do th...

Should have seen that coming.

Paige.

Paige.

Paige, Paige.

- Watch my train.
- Listen to me.

You're under a hex, the witch doctor's
done this to all of you.

Hey, hey.

You can fight a hex.
You just have to reach deep down...

What's your problem, Leo?
Get out of here.

Look, I'm sorry, Glen,
but this... This isn't what you think it is.

Oh, no?

So this isn't Paige's brother-in-law
trying to ruin my wedding?

- That's what it looks like to me.
- Paige.

Did you just call her Paige?

Look, Glen, you know
about this family.

You know what sort of wacky things
can happen.

Can we just go somewhere and talk?

- No.
- No.

Sweetie, I'll handle this, okay?
Go back to your position.

Please.

I'll be right there.

Paige...

...where's Jessica?

- Hell if I know.
- What does that mean?

What did you do to her? Paige,
you better not have hurt an innocent.

Well, she's not that innocent.

After all, she tried to steal Glen
away from me, didn't she?

Well, at least you practice
what you preach.

- Spencer Ricks, right?
- That's right.

You a fan? Got a pen?

No, actually, I'm your competition.

But instead of stooping to your level,
I decided to confront you personally.

That's right. Feeble Halliwell,
as I live and breathe.

Your billboards don't do you justice.

You have a nice rack. You ought to
show it off a little bit more.

You know, I don't mind losing readers
to a legitimate writer,

but some misogynistic pig
that's a fraud...

That hurts.

I'm not a fraud.

- I mean what I write.
- Oh, do you?

If you can't stand the heat,
get out of the kitchen, baby.

Oh, wait, that's a woman's place,
isn't it?

So then, you wouldn't have
anywhere to go, would you?

You know what, you're a turkey.
And turkeys don't write columns.

But they do make delicious dinners.

Piper?

Where are you?

What the...?

What?

Piper?

- Piper, what are you doing?
- Heads up.

I'm replacing this roof. It's filthy.
I told you this place was a wreck.

Piper, I need you
to help me find Paige.

I'm not talking to her
till she cleans up her room.

But it's about Glen's fianc?e.

I think she's done something to them.
Something terrible.

- I need you to help me find her.
- Busy.

Piper, you need
to snap out of it, okay.

This isn't about you guys anymore,
it's about an innocent. And if she dies...

- A little help here.
- What are you doing with that thing?

Well, first I'm gonna kill it,
and then I'm gonna stuff it.

You are not bringing that filthy fowl
in the house.

Yes, I am.
Thanksgiving's early this year.

Do not get any blood in that kitchen.

Phoebe, can I talk to you a minute?

- What did you do that for?
- Like hell you are bringing

those muddy shoes in my house.

Like hell. Paige said "like hell."

Jessica.

This is taking far too long.

Please don't. Please don't.

- Please don't.
- It's okay, I'm here to help you.

I don't know what happened.
I don't know who you are.

There's no time
to explain everything.

Just know that I'm here to save you.

It's okay. You can trust me.

I promise to love you, trust you

and honour you with all my heart,
Jessica, forever.

Jessica?

Wait. Stop the wedding.

Glen?

- What the hell?
- They're twins.

And he was gonna marry
the wrong one.

Maybe we could just
give them a minute.

Sure. Right.

Paige?

But why?

Glen, I can explain.

What have I done?

There's no time. We need to get home
and save your sisters

before they destroy themselves.

Piper, I brought Paige,
so she can help you out.

Oh, that's okay.

I don't need any help anymore.

It's already done,
except for the sweeping.

What do you mean?

I think I know.

Piper, what did you do
with the house?

Well, I thought it would be better
to start from scratch.

But, Piper, you can't just vanquish
an entire house,

especially not our house.
People are gonna notice.

Oh, I didn't vanquish it, silly,
I cast a vanishing spell.

It's like a good dusting, only better.

But I am gonna have to do something
about these steps.

Okay, you gotta figure out a way
to fix it, like you fixed me.

- Get her out of this hex.
- But it's individual.

You seeing Glen
distraught over Jessica

is what shocked you out of the hex.

Okay, well, you need to figure out
a way to shock her out of it.

I think I know a way.

Piper, where's Phoebe?

Phoebe? How should I know?

Remember,
she came into the house

- with the turkey?
- Turkey?

Piper, when you made
the house disappear,

you also made Phoebe disappear.

- No, she didn't...
- Yeah.

No, I wouldn't...

Phoebe. Phoebe.

Oh, my God. What have I done?

The spell, Piper,
you need to reverse it, fast.

I'm not sure I can.

Well, then,
you better make us disappear,

because this one's gonna be
tough to explain.

You can do it Piper, come on.

Let the object oF objection return

So that its existence
May be reaffirmed

Nicely done.

Is that a wedding dress?

You just noticed?

Phoebe.

Don't.

Let me have it.

Let go of me,
I have to kill Spencer!

You named the turkey Spencer?

That's no turkey.
I think that's Spencer Ricks.

The other advice columnist?

Well, she said she was gonna
kill the competition.

- Okay, we gotta break the hex.
- Any ideas how?

Yeah, actually.

Take her to the attic and
keep her away from that turkey.

Yeah, take me to the turkey.

We're gonna pay a little house call
to that witch doctor.

Success?

It's only a matter of time
before they destroy themselves.

Talk about premature jubilation.

You gentlemen might wanna see
a doctor about that.

How did you get here?

With the powers you apparently
didn't want us to have.

Good powers, by the way, very good.

Powers we might just have
to use against you.

Wait, don't.

If you are truly good,

we're on the same side.

We felt you couldn't handle
all of the evil spirits you attract.

Well, we attract them
for a reason, doc.

So that we can get rid of them.

You get rid of us, you'll have more
problems than solutions, trust me.

See, we might be slightly off,
but we're off in a good way.

Now, you're gonna reverse the hex
on our other sister.

Or it will be your last.

Phoebe. Phoebe.

Piper.

Oh, dear.

Phoebe, is that you? Are you back?

Yeah. What's going on?

I just... I think you have some...

...issues, competitive issues.

I don't understand.

Oh, no.

Spencer Ricks?

- Hi.
- Hi.

You said you wanted to talk?

No, I got the message
that you wanted to.

Actually, I sent the message.

I didn't think you guys would come
if you knew I wanted to meet you.

Look, I'm out of here.

Please, just stay and hear me out.

Look, I know what I did was awful.

In my defence, I was under a spell.

I know magic and all this
is a lot to swallow, Jessica.

And I don't blame you guys
if you never trust me.

It's not that we don't trust you.
It's just that...

I don't trust her.

Fair enough.

But I will say this.

The spell broke because I hurt you,
and I hurt you because I hurt Jessica.

It's pretty obvious that you love her
and she loves you.

You guys were meant to be together.
I get that now. I do.

And I know that we're
just meant to be friends.

That's all right, we'll clean it up later.

Are you feeling okay?

- Very funny.
- You're kidding me.

That's not killing you,
just leaving a mess there?

No, not at all.

Okay, maybe a little, but not a lot.

Look, if there's anything I've learned
from all this,

is that I gotta learn
to deal with messes,

especially with a baby coming.

Because I hear they come
with a lot of messes.

- I've heard some things about that too.
- Yeah.

Well, it's good that something positive
came from the witch doctor.

- Hi.
- Hey, Pheebs, what's cooking?

Oh, if you're talking about
Spencer Ricks, not him.

I turned him back into the pig
that he was,

and unfortunately,
he won't remember any of it.

I'm glad to see
you're not competitive anymore.

Yeah, no. I don't think
I have to worry anymore

about him taking my readers.

- And why would that be?
- Well...

...because...

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

"Why ask Phoebe
when you can see her?"

Talk about journalistic ethics, right?

No retouching. Good times.

Okay, give... Give me that.

- No.
- No.

- Run, run.
- Leo.

Leo!