Charlie's Angels (1976–1981): Season 5, Episode 8 - He Married an Angel - full transcript

The Angels are hired to catch a conman named John Thornwood. Kris poses as a fellow scam artist to get on his good side while Kelly gets close to his latest victim, Monica Regis. Meanwhile, July finds out that Monica's father is a powerful mobster. The Angels decide to teach Thornwood a lesson he'll never forget.


CHARLIE: Once upon a time

there were three
beautiful girls.

Oh.

Two of them graduated
from the police academy.

[TIRE SCREECHES]

The other graduated from
a top school for models.

And they each reaped the rewards

of their exciting careers.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

But I took them
away from all that

and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

This is our day, darling.

I know. I know.

Now, you two stay here.

I'll be right back
with the good stuff.

I'd like our share

in a cashier's check, please.

The only way to fly.

Aren't you sorry now?

Sorry about what?

About John.

Aren't you sorry you doubted
him and aren't you ashamed?

No, I'm not ashamed.

As your older sister,

it's my duty to protect
our investments.

You just can't
accept it, can you?

You just can't accept the idea

that someone like John
could love someone like me.

Okay, I accept, I accept.

Now I'm gonna go get a paper.

Are you certain you wanna
carry all this cash, Mr. Thornwood?

I love the feel of
cash. Crisp, friendly.

It was nice having a corporation
with you, Mr. Harrison.

Short-lived,
though, it was, heh.

I've always found that
life's brief encounters

are sweeter somehow.

Do you mind if I
use your back door?

[♪♪♪]

[TIRE SCREECHES]

JANE: What's wrong?

That creep. He's
running out on us.

What are you talking about?

John. He had a
car stashed in back

and he's splitting
with our money.

I don't believe it.
No, you wouldn't.

[CRASH]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Are you hurt?

[WHIMPERING]

Well, then shut up.

[SIGHS]

CHARLIE [OVER
SPEAKERS]: Miss Stone,

how much did Mr. Thornwood
cost you and your sister

before he fled San Francisco?

Mr. Thornwood
relieved my, uh, sister

of a hundred thousand dollars.

Unfortunately, since
our parents' death,

we have a mutual account.

And her loss is my loss.

This John Thornwood,

his scam is a South American
oil exploration venture?

Yes, he put up a
hundred thousand dollars

of good faith money,

which, uh, we matched
in a corporation he set up.

The corporation was legitimate.

[SIGHS]

KRIS: But the oil well wasn't?

Yes.

John... Mr. Thornwood
lied very convincingly.

You've been to the San
Francisco Police, of course.

And the state attorney general

and a few other
minions of the law.

The bottom line is, that
with two countries involved

and all the red tape

the legal fees and the time lost

will cost us more than hundred
thousand dollars we lost.

CHARLIE: So you want us

to try to recover your money.

Is that right, Miss Stone?

Yes. But equally important

I want Mr. John Thornwood
punished for what he's done.

Well, Miss Stone, we might
be able to recover your money,

but we're not in the
business of punishing people.

Oh, I don't mean that
you should beat him up

or anything that gross,

even though he does deserve it.

I just want him off the street

so he doesn't take advantage
of, uh, other silly young ladies.

[WHIMPERING]

Miss Stone, do you have any idea

where Mr. Thornwood
is at the moment?

Well, just what I
told Mr. Townsend,

I heard he was down
here in Los Angeles.

CHARLIE:!/ may have
a line on him, Bosley.

A friend of mine at city hall,
Department of Rent Control

says a man named John Thornwood

has moved info a new
luxury apartment in the valley

called the Wiltern Arms.

All right, Charlie,
we'll check it out.

Then you will be staying here
in Los Angeles, Miss Stone?

Oh, yes.

To watch you
hang him out to dry.

[CRYING]

[♪♪♪]

Just hold on, madam,
you hornswoggled me.

KRIS: Just keep
your voice down, Tex.

You cheated me.

Is that anything
like hornswoggled?

You're darn right
it is, little lady.

But the police got
another name for it.

Embezzlement.

KRIS: Either you
keep your voice down

or I'm gonna call the
police and have them come

and toss you out of
here. You are crazy.

You did me out of $50,000

and you're gonna
call the police.

If you think you have
a case against me

then go talk to the attorney
general or something.

In the meantime,
either you get out of here

or you're gonna be parking
your boots in the hoosegow.

Me? On, you are loco.

You are loco.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did
the noise disturb you?

Uh, no, no, I was
just getting in.

Your, uh, boyfriend
seemed a little upset.

Oh, no, he's just a
business acquaintance, um...

We had this little
venture together

and it didn't work out for us.

He's not taking
it too well, heh.

Too bad.

Oh, since we're neighbors,

my name is Kris Munroe.

John Thornwood.

In case you wanna borrow
a cup of sugar or anything.

You'll be the
first one I'll call.

[♪♪♪]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi.

Your cup runneth empty.

Well, you know what they say.

Empty cup, full heart.

It must be chilly out there.

Something wet?

Sounds wonderful.

Mm.

Well, who would
have believed it.

Who would have believed what?

Well, my evening started
out so unpleasantly

and it's ending SO nicely.

But it hasn't ended yet.

Mm, I do have to go home.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't con a conner.

What do you mean?

Now listen, don't play
games with me, okay?

I'm the one who
saw you blowing off

that mark in the
hallway, remember?

Mark?

Baby, drop it.

It takes one to know one, right?

You made a 50,000-dollar score.

I'm impressed.

Well, fancy that.

Birds of a feather living
right on the same roost.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[♪♪♪]

Mm, I wonder what
Mr. Thornwood is doing

up so early in the morning?

From what Kris
could learn last night

she gets the impression

he's working another
con here in L.A.

Shall we follow?

[TIRES SCREECH]

[♪♪♪]

How very pretty you
look today, Miss Regis.

MONICA: Oh, Professor Thornwood.

I don't know what to do
when you say things like that.

The only thing you
can do, Miss Regis,

believe everything
I tell you, heh.

I found that material
you were asking about

on American folk art,
Professor Thornwood.

Oh, please. Call me John.

Professor Thornwood?

Well, we know who
Thornwood's next victim is.

A lady who works in a gallery?

It doesn't make sense.

Why don't you
find out who she is?

And I'll eavesdrop a little.

Is the material helpful,
Professor Thornwood?

I mean, John.

Very. Very helpful.

[, uh...

I was wondering. Yes?

Would you, uh, think
me terribly forward

if I ask you to
join me for dinner

to, uh, discuss a
project I'm considering?

Tonight?

Uh, no, not tonight,
but, uh, soon.

Tomorrow night? Not that soon.

Night after tomorrow?

Whenever you're available.

I'm available tomorrow night.

Good.

[♪♪♪]

I'll pick you up when you close.

I'll be waiting.

Pardon me. What?

Ah, I couldn't help noticing
such a handsome man.

Is he a friend of yours?
Yes, he's my friend.

Actually, heh, we're
nearly engaged.

Oh, well, you're
a very lucky girl.

Yes, I am.

I love him.

Very much.

Find out who she is?

Yes. Her name is Monica Regis.

She owns this place.

Bingo.

Well, his next mark.

[♪♪♪]

CHARLIE [OVER SPEAKERS]:
You're telling me, Kelly

that Monica Regis
fancies herself in love

with Professor Thornwood?

Well, I heard him ask her out

on their first dinner date.

The next thing, she told me

he was about to
become her fiancé.

When a nice, intelligent woman

like Monica Regis lies, Charlie,

she's definitely in love.

CHARLIE: Heh, is that how a man
tells when a woman's in love, Julie?

She lies?

Charlie.

And to think that I've
spent half of my life

in search of an honest woman.

A fool's pursuit, Bosley.

CHARLIE: Kris, do
you think you'd be

able to persuade Thornwood
to become your partner?

Well, I'm working on it.

There's one thing
that worries me.

Which is?

Monica Regis. I
get the impression

that there's been very few
if any men in her life at all.

She could get hurt very
badly by Thornwood.

CHARLIE: Perhaps if you became

her confidante, Kelly,
you could advise her.

Well, I'll try.

CHARLIE: By the way, Bosley,

did you come up with anything
on Monica Regis' background?

Well, I'm not
really sure, Charlie.

You see, there seem to
be some discrepancies.

Discrepancies?

BOSLEY: Yes. I couldn't find

any kind of family
background on her.

And although she does
own the Regis Gallery,

it was originally purchased
in her behalf by Trans Allied

which is some sort of a
financial holding company.

Maybe I should
check that out, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Good idea. The more
we know about Thornwood's victim,

the better we can protect her.

Well, if there's a local
listing for Trans Allied,

I'll look in on them
in the morning.

BOSLEY: Be careful, Julie.

There's a rumor
that Trans Allied

is syndicate-connected.

Meanwhile, I have to get
back to my new apartment.

I have invited
Professor Thornwood

for a quiet little dinner.

Oh, uh, how do you intend
to keep him at your table

and out of your bedroom?

Well, I'm not.

You are. Oh.

Say again.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Time for a little
something smooth.

Why don't we have
something smooth in there?

[PHONE RINGING]

Mm, right back.

Hello?

BOSLEY [OVER PHONE]: Kris.

Oh, hello, Mr. Popodopoulous.

How are you this evening?

Cold and uncomfortable.

How nice.

Well, have you thought
about my Egyptian project?

You have? Good.

Would you like to become
involved financially?

Wonderful.

Six months?

Oh, I'm afraid I
can't wait that long.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

Well, perhaps another
project another time.

Goodbye, Mr. Popodopoulous.

Andros.

[KRIS CLEARS THROAT]

Spill it.

What?

Your Egyptian project.

It wasn't very important.

You're frowning. That
makes it important.

Your mark just
blew in empty, right?

No. He'll take the hook.

He just can't come up with
the money soon enough.

What's the setup?

I never mix business
with pleasure.

Business is best
when it is pleasure.

[♪♪♪]

Okay. I'll tell you.

I did all this research,
I learned the lingo.

I set up this phony
mailing address in Egypt.

It's a buried
Egyptian gold scam.

Sounds like you've
done your homework.

I have.

What are you using for bait?

Fifty thousand dollars.

And the mark puts
up matching funds.

It's an old saw,
but it always works.

Okay.

But why settle for 50,000

when we can make
it a hundred and fifty?

I don't follow.

I've got a hundred thousand.

Are you saying
you want in on this?

Oh, you pick up quick.

Okay, okay. What's the split?

Equal to investment.

I double my hundred
thou, you double your 50.

Oh, wait a minute. I
did all the groundwork.

Yes, but you just
lost your mark.

And I've got one who
can go the whole bundle.

Now.

Well, you certainly don't waste
any strokes, do you, John?

Here's to sticking
it to the suckers.

[CHUCKLES]

My very thought.

JULIE: Bos, are you sure
I've got the right address?

BOSLEY [OVER PHONE]: Trans
Allied, 1930 West 67th Street.

But this doesn't look like a
financial holding company.

It looks like a... Like a
meat packing factory,

which it is.

Well, that's the address
in the phone book.

They're the ones who
bought the Regis Gallery.

Okay. All right.

I'll check it out and get
back to you. Bye-bye.

Who do you wanna see exactly?

The boss. Exactly.

You'll have to give me his name.

You don't know your boss's name?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

The question is
not, "Do I know?"

The question is, "Do you know?"

[, uh, represent a group of
cattlemen from the Midwest

who might be interested in doing

some business with this company.

Well, if you'll give
me the information...

Oh, no, no. They insist that I
speak to the headman personally

since a great deal
of money is involved.

All right.

I'll let you see Mr. Fenell.

But you better be
who you say you are.

Hey. What are you doing?

Like I said, you better
be who you say you are.

[♪♪♪]

Check out her purse
and call me back.

Hi.

Sit down, Miss, uh... Rogers.

Julie Rogers.

You represent some cattlemen?

Oh, yes.

What do they want with me?

Well, uh, they heard a lot
of nice things about you.

They did?

Oh, I mean...

I mean, they said you
were a decent sort of fellow.

I am?

Aren't you?

[PHONE RINGS]

Yeah?

Townsend Agency?

What's that?

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, get her.

[GRUNTS]

Hey! Grab her!

[♪♪♪]

[PANTING]

So the lady is a detective.

I can explain. No, I'll explain.

The first rule around
here is nobody lies to Joe.

Joe? Joe.

Me. I'm Joe.

Good. Let's use first names.

You wanna know what the
second rule around here is?

How many guesses do I get?

None. Because
I'm gonna tell you.

The second rule around
here is you don't lie to Joe.

Wasn't that the first
rule around here?

That's the first and
the second rule.

Now, does that
tell you anything?

You don't like to be lied to?

Right.

Which means, little lady,

that you are in
big, big trouble.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Young lady, I'm
getting tired of this.

Maybe you should sit down.

Who are you and what
are you doing here?

Listen, this is all a mistake.

Why don't I just take a walk

and we'll forget
the whole thing?

Look, you better start talking

or the only way you'll
get out of here is feet first.

Okay. Okay, I'll level with you.

Okay, I'm listening.

You're right. I am a detective.

And, uh, my boss,
Mr. Charles Townsend,

was interested in donating

some very valuable art
pieces to the Regis Gallery.

Art pieces?

Yes.

But he, uh, wanted to make sure

that Monica Regis
was legitimate.

And, uh, her background
however was a little muddled

and then when we learned
that Trans Allied Associates

purchased the
gallery in her behalf,

well, we wondered why.

And your boss wants to
donate something to this gallery?

Right.

So that's what
this is all about.

That's what this is all about.

Okay. I'll make a deal with you.

I'll take it.

The truth is, Monica
Regis is my daughter.

Your daughter?

That I care about a lot.

But why...? How come...?

That she uses a different name?

Yeah.

Well, in my business,

I tangle with the law sometimes.

You tangle with the law?

Sometimes with the government.

Wait a minute.

Joseph Fenell, Senate
Rackets Committee,

about six weeks ago.

They tried to frame me.
They didn't make it stick.

Oh, I get it. You don't
want your daughter

touched by anything
publicly embarrassing.

Which was why we
changed her name.

Ah. Joe, you don't have
to worry about a thing.

Your secret's safe with
me and Mr. Townsend.

And your boss will
still make that donation

to my little girl's gallery?

Oh, absolutely.

I'll be anxious
to see what it is.

Oh, ye... Me too.

[DOOR OPENS]

[♪♪♪]

Well, it's about time
for Thornwood and Kris

to lay the hook on Monica Regis.

Yup.

Your choice of
exhibits is most elegant.

[SIGHS]

You're very kind, Miss Garrett.

Ah, I thought we agreed.

You were gonna call me Kelly
and I was gonna call you Monica.

Friends?

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, there's that
handsome fiancé of yours.

Excuse me. Hmm.

Now, what is the total
capitalization necessary?

Three hundred thousand. Hmm.

So with your 50,000
and my hundred thousand

we've got half of what we need.

Yes, but unfortunately,
time is running out.

We need that other
hundred and fifty thousand

very quickly.

And that's not
gonna be easy. No.

But this could prove to be

the most
historically-significant

discovery of the century.

I mean, not to mention
the financial rewards.

Well, the financial rewards
would be pleasant, of course.

But you see, I'm
much more interested in

what we can
accomplish aesthetically.

KRIS: I like you, professor.

Hello.

Hello. Darling.

Well, I don't believe you've met
my associate, Professor Munroe.

Professor, this is my very
good friend, Monica Regis.

Hello. Hello.

Well, I'll be running.

There are a couple of
other possible investors

I'd like to go talk to.

[CHUCKLES]

Dinner?

Yes.

Uh, I couldn't help
but overhear you.

It sounds like you're involved
with something interesting.

Oh, it's just a
personal dream of mine

with certain problems.

Nothing you should
be concerned with.

Oh, come on.

We have dinner
reservations in half an hour.

But maybe there's
some way I can help.

I don't think so, darling.
Oh, tell me, please.

Well, if you insist. You see.

[♪♪♪]

KRIS: Wait a minute.
Run that by me again.

You did what? I asked
Miss Regis to marry me.

When? An hour ago.

Right after I reluctantly
explained to her

how we needed a hundred
and fifty thousand dollars.

But why? Why did you
ask her to marry you?

I always ask the
mark to marry me

before I ask her for the money.

Hey, relax. I only
ask. I never do it.

So, what did she say?

Well, uh, yes, of
course, to the proposal.

And the hundred
and fifty thousand.

CHARLIE: It seems
Professor Thornwood

has given us a rather
knotty problem, Angels.

If Monica gets hurt and
I know she will, Charlie,

I'll personally
crucify Thornwood.

She's really in love
with him, Charlie.

We could simply tell
her the truth about him.

KELLY: I doubt
that she'd believe us.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Wait a minute.

Maybe we could beat
Thornwood at his own game.

CHARLIE: What do you mean, Kris?

Well, if we could set it up

so that Thornwood had
to marry Monica Regis

to get the money, he'd back out.

And she'd realize
what he was up to.

Well, it would save Monica
a lot of future heartache.

Of course, it would blow
our chance to nail Thornwood.

Well I think we can find
another way to nail Thornwood.

Seems to me Miss Regis' feelings

are the most important
consideration now.

I agree, Charlie.

Having met Monica's
father, I can tell you,

making her unhappy
could be very dangerous.

CHARLIE: Oh, yes, you're
right. I checked out Joe Fenell.

Eastern syndicate
type, very tough.

Uh, Kris, when are you and
Thornwood supposed to set up

your phony corporation
with Monica Regis?

Tomorrow morning.

Have you picked the
bank you're going to use?

Not yet.

Good.

Because the president
of Certified National Bank,

Bill Connors, is a friend
of mine. I'll call him.

Maybe we can give
Professor Thornwood

some corporate complications.

[♪♪♪]

McBAIN: Uh, Mr. Connors,
I don't understand.

Why can't Miss Regis deposit

her hundred and
fifty thousand dollars

in the corporation now?
Well, uh, she could.

But since you and Miss
Regis are going to be married

it would be wise for
her to make her deposit

after the wedding.

Otherwise, uh, we have to
do all the paperwork twice.

And there is the community
property thing to consider.

Heh. Yeah, but you, uh...

You see, uh, we're
in a bit of a bind.

Time wise, I mean.

I mean, we could lose
this whole project, right?

Right.

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Why don't you and the
professor get married right away?

Right away? Sure.

I know this doctor. We could
rush through the blood test,

we could pull few
strings at city hall,

you could be married
at my house tomorrow.

John. John, did you hear that?

Uh, yes, yes, I heard.

Mr. Connors.

Here are two cashier's check.

The professor's for a
hundred thousand dollars,

mine for $50,000.
Start the paperwork.

Sign. The minute Monica
and the professor get married,

she'll come in, she'll
sign, make her deposit

push the whole thing through
full court press. Good idea?

Well, yes. Yes, [, uh,
think that might work.

Is something wrong?

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

There's nothing wrong, darling.

In fact, I think it's
a wonderful idea.

Let's get married right away.

I think I'm gonna cry.

[CHUCKLES]

Me too.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

Brilliant. You were
absolutely brilliant.

How shall we set it up?

Set what up?

The phony marriage
ceremony. What else?

Phony marriage ceremony?

Hey, what's wrong with
you? It was your idea.

Why are you acting like
such a dummy all of a sudden?

Oh, oh, I was just
trying to remember

who I worked with last time I
did the phony marriage scam.

Oh, well, if you can't remember,
there's a guy I've used.

I think he still lives
in San Francisco.

Oh, no, no, no, my
guy's right here in L.A.

Do I know him? What's his name?

Bosley. Reverend John Bosley.

Reverend Bosley?

CHARLIE: Uh, Kris, I'm afraid
you've got us all a little confused.

You want us to help Thornwood

set up a phony
marriage ceremony?

No, Charlie.

I want us to make Thornwood
think it's a phony ceremony.

But I think that
Thornwood and Monica

should be married for real.

For real? Are you crazy?

Well, maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

But let's talk about it.

We just did. You're crazy.

Am I?

Look, Monica is so
crazy about Thornwood.

She'd probably make
him the world's best wife.

And he would make her
the world's worst husband.

True,

if Monica's father was
anyone but who he is.

JULIE: Wait a minute.

You're saying

that Papa Joe would
keep Thornwood in line?

Well, since you've met
Papa Joe and we haven't

you'd have to be the
one to answer that.

You know, it's a very
interesting premise.

BOSLEY: Now, you wait a minute.

Are you saying that Papa Joe
could keep Thornwood in line?

Well, let's put it this way.

If Thornwood made
Monica anything but happy,

he would really,
really regret it.

It seems to me,
Angels, the question is

are we better off revealing
a painful truth to Monica,

which could hurt
her the rest of her life

or would we be
kinder constructing a lie

that might make
her deliriously happy

the rest of her life?

[♪♪♪]

KRIS: Are you sure this is the
church Monica said she called?

Right. She talked to a
Reverend Benedictine.

And you're sure she's never
seen or met this Reverend?

Positive. Whoever
shows up at the wedding

saying he's Reverend
Benedictine she'll believe him.

Sounds good.

The only thing Monica
seems worried about

is me meeting her father.

Yeah, well,

the less you see the family,
the easier this will come down.

We don't wanna
delay the ceremony.

That's Reverend Benedictine?

KRIS: Must be.

So we grab him and
your fellow Bosley

shows up at your apartment
for the ceremony, right?

Right. All you have to do

is pretend that Bosley
is Reverend Benedictine

and nobody will be the wiser.

[♪♪♪]

Whoo.

Are you Reverend Benedictine?

I am.

Good. We've got the right man.

Bless me, child.

Sorry, Reverend. Now,
I want you to get up

and walk into that
building with me.

My child, why
are you doing this?

No time to explain,
Reverend. Walk.

Inside, Reverend.

Please, I have a
wedding to perform.

Uh-huh, that's
been taken care of.

Inside.

May the Lord forgive you
for you know not what you do.

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

[SIGHS]

You don't mess around, do you?

Come on. You have to get
dressed for your wedding.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Monica doesn't suspect anything?

She's brimming with joy.

How did it go with
Bosley? JULIE: Good.

Now, so Thornwood won't
know who Monica's father is

until the last possible moment.

We're gonna go and do our little
delaying tactics with Papa Joe.

Okay.

Make sure Papa Joe gets
here just a little before noon.

KELLY: By then, things
will be moving so fast,

Thornwood won't
have time to think.

Got you.

Bye.

[♪♪♪]

Well, how do I look?

You look beautiful.

Oh, you shouldn't do that.

Do what? You shouldn't lie.

I'm not lying. All
brides are beautiful.

Didn't you know that?

On a good day, I'm ordinary.

[CHUCKLES]

Kelly, I don't know exactly
why John wants to marry me.

Well, if at first he seems
a little uneasy or scared,

don't let it bother you.

Kelly,

whatever it takes to make
him happy, that's what I'll do.

I know he's not perfect.

I know he's probably not
quite what he appears to be,

but none of us really
are. It doesn't matter.

Because I've got
enough love for both of us.

Monica, you're a very wise lady.

I've got my first love
and my first friend.

I'm very lucky to
know you, Kelly.

Well, I'm pretty lucky myself.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

Put them away.

JULIE: Mr. Fenell,
what happened?

I got enemies.

What are you doing here?

I was coming here to see you.

About what? Business.

But I see you're all
dressed up to go out.

Yeah, to my daughter's wedding.

Now I have no
wheels to get there.

Oh! I'll tell you what.

We'll give you a ride to
your daughter's wedding.

Uh, you can call a garage,

get your limo fixed and
have it driven to her place

and then pick it up
after the ceremony.

That's very nice of you.

No problem. I love
weddings anyway.

Oh, leave the
keys in the ignition.

I've got a phone in here,

you can call the
garage on the way.

That's a very nice
lady you've got there.

Oh, she's a peach.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

My, don't you look handsome,
Professor Thornwood?

Have you met
Reverend Benedictine?

No. No, I haven't.

Here he is. Yes.

Here's the nervous groom.

Ah, Professor Thornwood.

Reverend.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

Excuse me.

You look like you're about
ready to choke on that collar.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello

This is Mr. Fenell,
the bride's father.

How do you do? How do you do?

Well, we have a very
nervous bride in there

and a very anxious
groom out here.

So, what say we get them hitched

before one of them
has a nervous collapse?

[ALL LAUGH]

Professor, this is
Monica's father, Joe.

And, Joe, this is the man
your little girl's gonna marry.

Uh, pleased to meet you, Sir.

Nice to meet you.

Heh, uh, you, uh,
look familiar to me, Joe,

uh, like, uh,

uh, maybe I've seen
you some place before.

I don't think so.

Uh, the newspaper maybe.

I don't think so.

KELLY: Shall we
get the bride, Joe?

[CHUCKLES]

KELLY: Uh,
everybody into position.

Hey,

have you seen
her old man before?

I don't believe I've ever
seen him in my parish.

Parish? You're a laugh a minute.

[♪♪♪]

And I now pronounce
you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[♪♪♪]

Bosley, where is she going?

Uh, uh, what did you say?

I said where is she
going? No, no, no, I mean,

what did you call me? Bosley?

Yeah. So? My
name is Benedictine.

Reverend Benedictine, remember?

Now, look, Bosley,

we don't have to keep
up a scam anymore.

I don't know what's wrong

or why are you
saying these things

but I assure you, I am
Reverend Benedictine.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

There.

[TIRE SCREECHES]

Bos, where are you going?

I know a shortcut to the bank.

Assuming Thornwood
is going to the bank.

Oh, he's definitely
going to the bank.

There.

Well, I think it's time
we phoned our clients.

What do you mean the
corporation's been dissolved?

I mean it's been dissolved.

Miss Munroe withdrew the
hundred and fifty thousand

you and she deposited.

When? About an hour ago.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

Professor.

I don't know what you're up to

running out on my
little girl's wedding.

Personally, you look
like a pansy to me,

but she's chosen
you as her husband.

So whatever it is that
makes you go flying around

like a spastic spider,

put it out of your mind.

Say, uh, aren't you Joe Fenell?

Mr. Fenell to you.

Are you listening
to what I'm saying?

Uh, yes, yes, Mr. Fenell,
I'm listening. I'm listening.

Because unless you
keep my little girl smiling

for the next 50 years or so,

I'm gonna come down on you

real hard. You understand?

Put him in the car.
But don't bruise him.

He's got a long
night ahead of him.

MAN: Let's go.

[♪♪♪]

Well, it's not a marriage
made in heaven,

but it will do.

[ALL LAUGH]

[WHIMPERING]

Why are you crying?

You got back your
hundred thousand dollars.

Because I wanted to marry John.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

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