Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 8 - Episode #1.8 - full transcript

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Ow!♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

[cheering and applauding]

[announcer]

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together

for Dave Chappelle!

Man...

Thank you so much.

Thanks for joining us, you guys.

Welcome back to another episode

of Chappelle's Show.

Now, a lot of us

go to the movies

and they seem

a little fake, don't they?

And, certain moments, you can't

suspend your disbelief.

Crocodile Dundee, for example.

Remember when the brother

come up and,

"Give me your money,

Crocodile Dundee."

[Australian accent]

"Oh, that's not a knife.

This is a knife."

Any black dude in New York

would have been like,

"Well, then this is a gun."

The point is, those movies

are phony-baloney,

so tonight I bring

to you the real versions

of some of my favorite movies.

One of my favorite love movies,

Ghost.

Where you find

that even the afterlife

can't separate you

from true love.

[audience laughing]

[crying]

Molly...

Molly,

Molly.

Hey, Molly,

your husband's clothes

fit funny, girl.

Well, they look better on you

than they ever did on him.

Why don't you take 'em off?

-Not a bad idea.

-Mm-hmm.

You ready to get

some of this lovin'?

[Molly] You bet your ass I am.

It's my dumb-ass husband

who's dead, not me.

You ready to step

into the jungle?

[Molly] Ooh, yeah!

What do you say?

[Dave] Oh, man!

-Molly!

Oh, nigga,

you know I see you.

You know... Yeah, I'm looking

right at you.

You, the ghost, nigga,

I see you.

You're freaky, man.

You like to watch?

You wanna watch?

How this make you feel?

Whoo!

[laughing]

Hey, man, life's got

to go on, right?

Life's got to go on,

life's got to go on.

Now, I don't want

to pick on everybody else

without, uh,

making fun of myself, so...

Let's take a look at the, uh,

real version

of a little movie called

Half Baked, where...

[audience applauding]

I think we all know the story,

friend gets locked in jail,

then his three friends have

to sell reefer to make the bail.

-Yo, Thurgood.

-Aah!

Yo, wake up, man.

Yo, Kenny didn't

come home last night, B.

We're really worried, man.

Yo, he's in jail, yo.

-Jail?

-Yeah.

I got it.

Why don't I break into the lab

where I'm working?

They got weed there,

I'll steal it,

we can sell it,

and we'll make his bail.

-[scoffs]

-I don't want to do that.

-No, man.

-No.

Alright.

Y'all wanna smoke some weed?

-Yeah!

-Hell, yeah, B!

Wassup?

Kenny's on his own, then.

We need a new roommate!

Yo, fuck Kenny, B.

I hope he gets fucked

in his butt in jail!

Booty-fuck Kenny, man.

[applauding]

Knock, knock.

[audience] Who's there?

Some skits, biatch!

[narrator] The year was 1955,

and Danny Corey

had never had sex.

In fact, he had

never even kissed a girl.

but all his rookie inexperience

gave him one clear advantage,

a total lack of fear.

When you're that

young and horny,

you got nothing to lose.

[narrator] During a screening of

Rebel Without a Cause,

Corey had a brilliant idea.

Using his Boy Scout

pocket knife,

He quickly carved

a hole in the popcorn tub,

to give his date

more than just popcorn.

This is a brilliant move.

Notice that he bought

the large tub of corn,

he bought butter,

he arranges it on his lap,

smiles at her,

and this is where it happens,

right... here!

She realizes what she's touching

and continues.

Brilliant... Just brilliant!

The "Penis in the Popcorn"

is a classic

That has set a new standard

for reckless

and desperate men everywhere.

And we, including myself...

because that's how I got this...

Wish to thank Danny Corey.

[narrator] Danny Corey would go

down as a hook-up legend,

joining Harvey Randolph,

the inventor of

the "We Are Out Of Gas" move,

and Joey Newsom,

the inventor of the seemingly

platonic sleepover

that ends in dry-humping

and, eventually, insertion.

All of them great men,

all of them pioneers.

This has been,

Great Moments

in Hook-Up History.

Alright, y'all, look,

we're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go

to the Chappelle's Show.

Good evening, I'm Kent Wallace.

Since its inception,

Hollywood has often been

accused of racism.

but is it racist?

And if so,

who are the culprits?

Frontline embarked on a journey

to answer these questions

and what we uncovered...

may shock you.

[Kent] For years, Rin Tin Tin

was adored

by countless Americans

for his TV exploits.

-Who stole the silver?

-[barking]

Twelve of them?

Good boy, Rin.

[narrator] His acts of heroism

and undying loyalty

to his master

were his trademarks.

That is, until recent

allegations surfaced.

This is Justin Wilkes,

a security guard

in Montgomery, Alabama.

For three decades,

he has waged

a personal crusade

against the canine star.

That dog that you call

"Rin Tin Tin",

I call "Racist".

I saw the dog.

I said, "Where do I know

this dog from?"

And it hit me.

Selma, Alabama, 1957 riots,

in front of Woolworth!

So, you're saying

that's you in the classic

civil rights footage.

Okay, see, that's

a discrepancy right there.

What you calling

"classic civil rights footage,"

I call "footage of me

getting bit on my ass

by a German Shepherd

from Dusseldorf, Germany."

If you would like to see,

there's actually bite marks

on my ass that can prove it.

[Kent] We hunted down

the dental records

of the dog who played

Rin Tin Tin.

A few days later,

Mr. Wilkes returned,

and a canine dental expert

compared the records

with his scar.

This is, uh, most definitely

a match right here.

What I say?

Come on, what did I say?

That opened the floodgates.

In subsequent weeks,

more African-Americans

came forward with similar

accusations

against iconic animals,

breaking decades of silence.

Mr. Ed.

I worked with him

for two years.

That disgusting,

bigot-ass horse!

Mr. Ed, take four.

Oh, I better get out of here.

[Mr. Ed] Took ya

l-l-long enough, n-n-nigger.

I'll cut you,

I'mma cut you, do you hear me?

[Mr. Ed] Boys, get her away

from me!

I know where you live, Mr. Ed.

I'm gonna cut you.

[Kent] There were also

many rumors

of his off-camera activities.

Frontline was sent,

anonymously...

This picture

with this not-so-subtle note

attached,

"Dear Frontline,

this is Mr. Ed."

But worse than Mr. Ed,

worse even than Rin Tin Tin,

were the accusations

lobbed at Flipper.

It's James,

the nigger-hating dolphin!

Get out!

[dolphin squeaking]

Shocking.

Unfortunately,

none of the animals in question

are alive to offer a rebuttal.

However, the estate of Mr. Ed

did issue this statement,

"We deeply regret

the way Mr. Ed was taken

advantage of by the Klan.

If it's any consolation,

his best friend

was The Black Stallion."

Next time on Frontline,

we expose

racist Hollywood automobiles,

and hear disturbing audio

from the hit TV show

Knight Rider.

[KITT] Puerto Ricans

are lazy, Michael.

I'm Kent Wallace.

Good night.

[cheering and applauding]

Ever see that movie

with Mel Gibson,

uh, What Women Want,

where he could read

women's minds?

See, that's the kind of movie

you could only do with a guy

like Mel Gibson.

You couldn't do

the opposite of that movie,

What Men Want, 'cause it'd be

too gross and disgusting.

I wonder what it'd look like?

Well, let's take a look

at what it'd look like.

[elevator bell dings]

[man] Man, if I could just slide

a finger down

the crack of that ass.

[man 1] Oh, mama.

[man 2] I wish my boys

could see this.

[man 3] Damn, look at the ass

on that one.

[man 4] I want to have

doggy-style sex with her, ugh.

[man 5] Damn!

[man 1] Look at them nipples,

man.

[elevator bell dings]

[boy] I would put a hurtin'

on that bitch.

Damn!

[elevator bell dings]

[laughing]

And on that note, we're gonna

take a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back, everybody,

with more Chappelle's Show.

Stick around.

Okay.

♪ Turn on your TV ♪

Oh, man, thanks.

You know,

way back on the second episode,

I did this piece about

a, uh, a crack addict

coming to a drug-awareness

week at a school.

I got a lot

of complaints about it.

I got a lot of letters about it.

A lot of people said

I was insensitive, so...

I brought him back again

to the show.

Make some noise.

Tyrone Biggums.

Okay, okay, remember now,

we're not here to judge anybody,

we want to handle

this with love, right?

You want to tell him

how his drug abuse

has hurt you,

and he hurt himself, okay?

Harold, what time did you

tell him to be here?

Five o'clock,

but he always late.

[woman] No, he'll be here...

in three, two, one...

Is this the five o'clock

free crack giveaway?

♪ He's been away for a while

But he's back around... ♪

Y'all tell anybody,

I'll kill ya!

I'll kill ya!

♪ The kookiest crackhead

In the town... ♪

Peanut butter

and crack sandwich.

♪ He kicked his habit

Back in the joint... ♪

Look out, crack, here I come!

[thudding]

♪ He's finally home,

he's Tyrone ♪

[narrator] This week, Tyrone

gets invited to an intervention.

Oh, ya...

Lock the door, good idea.

Hey. Okay, Tyrone,

do you know why you're here?

Mm-hmm, I'm here

for same reasons you is, man,

I want some crack.

[chuckles]

-Crack.

-[counsellor] Okay, Tyrone,

we are not giving

crack away today.

-Uh-uh...

-No, no.

-What time is it?

-It's five o'clock.

Did I miss the five o'clock

free crack giveaway?

Tyrone... Tyrone, these are

your friends here,

and they have something

they'd like to say to you.

I've been tricked!

Okay, Tyrone,

I'm what is known as

an intervention counselor.

-Oh!

-Yeah.

And these people

would like to talk to you

about your drug use.

What are you talking about, man?

I don't do drugs.

What y'all tell him, huh?

Come on, Benedict Arnolds!

What y'all tell him?

Okay, Rhonda, would you like

to go first?

[Tyrone] This is ridiculous!

What is going on in here?

Do we get crack at the end?

Tyrone,

you know I love you,

but I feel like

drugs is hurting you

and they're hurting me.

Tyrone, I was very hurt

that you carjacked me that time.

What you talking about, Rhonda?

I would never carjack

that ugly-ass car.

[man] Get out the car!

[Rhonda] Tyrone,

what are you doing?

Who's Tyrone, huh?

I don't know Tyrone!

No, it's you with your

crusty-ass lips!

Stop playin', Rhonda,

get out the car!

Get out the car!

I don't know any Tyrone!

Look, the police found you

three hours later

in my car, asleep,

high on crack.

That's impossible, Rhonda.

How can you sleep

if you're high on crack, hmm?

It's a Chinese riddle for you.

[counsellor] Okay,

let's have, uh, Jenny and Rob.

[Tyrone] I ain't do that,

Rhonda.

Tyrone, we opened our home

to you.

You let your addiction

lead you to abuse our trust.

Oh, Jenny, Rob, look, y'all,

it's me you're talking to,

I... I would never hurt you.

Oh, don't play dumb

with us, Tyrone.

I remember the whole speech.

I just need $200,

I take these real estate

classes,

and I'm back on my feet, baby.

I'm serious, Rob,

it's me, baby, it's Tyrone.

I'm cleaning up my act.

-Okay.

-Tyrone!

Rob, Jenny, y'all ain't gonna

be sorry about this.

Oh!

[Tyrone] I studied my ass off

for that real estate test.

[screaming]

We're off to my mother's.

We'll be back Sunday evening.

The number's on the fridge

if you need anything.

Okay, bye, Jenny.

Bye, Rob.

[Tyrone] I passed my test

and was a certified

real estate agent.

Good for you, Tyrone.

Yeah, damn right,

good for him.

[Rob] He sold our house

and kept the money.

$450,000!

Where's the money, Tyrone?

He spent it on a party.

Took out an ad

for it in the paper.

[Tyrone] You didn't get your

invitation for that party?

Oh, Rob, you should have

seen it,

we had a pile

of crack this high.

-I had a heart attack.

-Heart attack, yeah.

I'll give you

a heart attack!

-Rob, Rob, Rob!

-[Tyrone] Rob!

Come on, come on, come on.

I'm getting a restraining order

against you, Rob.

Harold, why don't you go next?

Alright.

Tyrone,

I'm here because I love you.

Well, if you love me

so much, Harold,

why'd you get me fired

from the post office, huh?

Do you know how many people

on your route

complained of receiving

open mail?

Seven?

A hundred and thirty-six,

Tyrone.

And then there was the incident

with the powder.

[sniffing]

Oh!

Attention, everybody,

Be on the lookout

for any envelopes marked

"Senator Tom Daschle"

or "Tom Brokaw".

It might contain anthrax.

For your information,

that's a little white powder.

Harold,

is anthrax bad?

-Yes, Tyrone.

-Oh.

And if it fell

into the wrong hands,

it could be big trouble.

I got that anthrax

and it's the bomb, baby.

Sixty bucks!

If that man

hadn't turned you in,

it would've been a disaster.

Y'all act like

crack is so bad!

Well, like

the Good Book says,

"Let he who is without sin,

throwe-th the first rock

and I shal-t smoke-th it."

Basically, Tyrone,

we would like you to check

into rehabilitation immediately.

Oh!

Alright, okay.

Fine, fine.

You know what?

I need to get better,

y'all are right.

But first step is first,

I need to go to the bathroom,

And then I'm on my way

to recovery, Rhonda.

I got the key.

And that wasn't me, Rhonda!

Go to the bathroom!

[Tyrone] Okay, thank...

I've got it from here,

thank you.

I'll be right out.

Oh!

Oh, why didn't they say there

ain't no windows in here?

Oh!

Here goes nothin'!

[toilet flushing]

Drugs have...

ruined my life!

♪ He's finally home,

He's Tyrone ♪

We're gonna take

a quick commercial break,

but don't worry,

we'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

I'd like to thank my studio

audience for hangin' out,

and, of course, I'd like

to thank you at home.

God bless ya.

And I'll see ya next week.

God bless America!

[cheering and applauding]

-[man] I'm rich, biatch!

-[horn honking]

[woman] Hi, thank you.

We're really worried

about him, Thurgood.

What happened to him?

Yo, he's in jail, yo.

Oh, my God, jail.

Hey, hey, why don't we break

into that lab where I work?

They got weed there.

We'll sell the weed

and make his bail.

-No.

-No, man.

Yo, why don't we

sell crack, yo?

-Yeah.

-Right?

That's a lot

more lucrative.

Hell, yeah, baby.

We can grab some booty.

We're gonna sell

some crack.

Crack, it is!

We're crack dealers, man!

Yo, let's be crackheads, yo.