Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 7 - Real Movies & Wu-Tang Financial - full transcript

Dave introduces a financial consulting firm created by the Wu-Tang Clan. Plus he gives his "realistic" take on some movie classics such as "The Matrix" and "Pretty Woman".

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

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♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

[cheering and applauding]

[announcer] Dave Chappelle!

Good evening.

Welcome back, guys.

How ya been?

Guys, I was out last night,

had a pretty good time,

and I saw that mad dash.

You know, the mad dash

at the end of the night

when guys are really scrambling

to get some booty?

And it's like a game,

and the shot clock

is running out.

It's like football or something.

Well, if you come up

under incredible odds,

that means that you've had

a great moment

in hook-up history,

and I salute you,

and I salute all

who have had a great moment

in hook-up history.

[narrator] 1983, historic


the setting for yet another

classic standoff

between sworn rivals.

Just the sort of standoff

that creates

classic hook-up moments.

Bobby Hutchinson

had spent the night

trying to rush his way

to pay dirt, Gina Morris.

Both prior attempts

by Bobby were stuffed

by the tough defensive line

that Morris traveled with.

Left guard, Carol Deitrich,

and right guard,

Denisha "Bear" Bryant,

a tandem that had racked up

14 cock blocks

just a year earlier.

With the defense

momentarily sidelined,

Bobby struck quickly,

approaching the coveted Morris

and winning her over

with one of his hysterical

video game references.

You give me Pac-Man fever.


[narrator] With the defense

returning and time running out,

Bobby went into his

hurry-up offense.

Slowly but surely, Hutchinson

wore down the defensive line

with shots up the gut.

With time running out,

Hutchinson went for

the game-winning score.

Gina, why don't you

just come home with me?

No, we promised each other

we'd all leave here together.


His attempt was blocked.

But Hutchinson recovered

the block

and exploited the defense's

biggest weakness.

You know, I got

some pizzas at the crib.



I don't want no pizza.

And some weed, too.

Weed? A'ight, yeah.

[narrator] Hutchinson knew

he was home free.

Victory was assured.

That night, Bobby and Gina

had drunken sex

on top of her two

passed-out friends,

Technically making

it a four-way.

Bobby Hutchinson, yet another

great player

responsible for a great moment

in hook-up history.

Them clothes

were a throwback.

I look like Turbo from Breakin'.

I really got into

that character, too.

'Cause after we was done


I cleaned up the set.

I'm serious,

they rolled camera on it.

[techno music playing]

And now, folks, it is time

for a segment that I like

to call Real Movies,

where you show the real version

of what would happen

in some of our favorite movies.

You know, a lot of these movies

get to be a little fake

and phony.

Like you see Home Alone,

and Macaulay Culkin

is trickin' these bad guys,

when you know any real robber

would've shot the little dude

in the first five minutes,

roll credits, the end.

So we like to show

what would really happen

in some of our favorite movies.

Starting tonight

with The Matrix.

[mobile ringing]


[man] Hello, Neo,

do you know who this is?


[Morpheus] Yes.

I've been looking for you, Neo.

I don't know if you're ready

to see what I want to show you,

but, unfortunately, you and I

have run out of time.

They're coming for you, Neo,

And I don't know

what they're going to do.

Who's coming for me?

Stand up and see for yourself.


I can guide you out of there

but you must do

exactly as I say.


The cubicle across

from you is empty.

Go, now!

Stay there.

When I tell you,

go to the end of the hall.

Stay as low as you can.


[agent farting]

There is a black man

sitting at a desk

directly to your right.

Look at him.


Psyche! [chuckles]

It's Earl, nigga,

I need your stapler.

I can't find mine.

Hello, dumb-dumb,

do you know who this is?


Dude, you totally got me.



Alright, gang, we're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back

with Chappelle's Show.

[cheering and applauding]

[chuckles] You know, folks,

in an earlier episode,

we were talking about

just the entrepreneurship

of all these hip-hop cats, man.

These rappers got their

hands in everything.

So I'm home the other day,

and I caught this commercial...

I don't know

if y'all have seen it,

but this bugged me out.

[announcer] The most precious

thing in the world

is the financial security

and well-being of your family.

You wanna send your little ones

to the best schools,

and in the end,

know that you've left them

with peace of mind.

Nowadays we all know that

cash rules everything around us,


get the money,

dollar-dollar bill, y'all.

That's why it's time to enter

the 36 chambers.

Come step to the "Wu",

Wu-Tang Financial.

At Wu-Tang financial,

we'll work with you

to devise the best plan

for you and your fam.

I mean, Smith Barney--

-Bunch of bitches.

-Old-time farts and shit.

You gotta know how

to jack this shit.

You gotta play

this game rough.

You know what I mean?

In, out, get, grab, bonk.

You need to diversify

your bonds, nigga.

Military shit is blowin' up.

We about to go to war,

invest in some nuclear bombs.

This ain't

trading places, nigga.

This is real fucking life!

Protect your goddamn neck,


Wu-Tang Financial,

a place for you and your kids.


All of our trusted consultants

are here to meet your needs.


the ol' dirty bastard

couldn't make it today,

but he sends his regards...



[narrator] So call us,

because at the end of the day,

Wu-Tang Clan ain't

nothin' to fuck with.

♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'

To fuck with ♪

♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'

To fuck with ♪

♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'

To fuck with ♪

♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'

To fuck with ♪ ♪

[narrator] Step to the "Wu",

Wu-Tang Financial.

Now, who could forget

the timeless classic,

Pretty Woman,

where Julia Roberts

plays a prostitute

that lucks up

and meets a millionaire,

and they fall in love?

Well, let's see what would

happen in the real version

of Pretty Woman.

I worked at a couple

of fast-food places.

Parked cars at wrestling.

I couldn't pay the rent.

And I was too ashamed

to go home.

That's when I met Kit.

She was a hooker

and made it sound so great.


You've gotta get

the fuck outta here.


we're gonna take

a quick commercial break,

and I promise

we'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

♪ The greatest show ♪

Hey, gang.

Hey, hey, welcome back.

You know, folks,

I'm really tryin'

to encourage dialogue

amongst the diverse array

of people in America,

so it's time again

for Ask a Black Dude

with none other than comedian,

Paul Mooney.

Why in the movies is the

Black guy the first guy killed?

That happy nigga,

that's in that movie

where he heals all white people,

the big black runaway.

He was throughout

that whole movie.

He only got killed

at the end...

which I hated.

I hated that movie

'cause I hated him,

and I hated everybody

that wrote that movie.

Black people are always worried

about, like,

in Barbershop.

They better be worried about

what they say in white films.

White films go

all over the world.

'Cause I remember The Godfather,

and I won't forget the...

When they had the drug scene

and they said,

"Well, we don't do that,

sell it to the Niggers."

They shoulda had somethin'

to say about that.

Are your cameras still on?

Black people wanna go

to Black dentists,

and do Black people wanna

get buried by Black...


That's funny, Stephen King.

He almost said, "Nigger,"

I read between 'em.

I always thought

dentists were dentists.

I wasn't into Black

and white dentists, please.

If they can fix the teeth, cool,

if they can't, that's cool, too.

That's kind of a weird question,

and coming from Stephen King,

that was very strange.

A horror man come on and ask

a question about a nigga.

That was already scary.

I wrote a script

for Stephen King.

I have a Stephen King

horror movie...

Nigger with a brain.

We'll see how that scare people.

Niggers in school,

how 'bout that, Stephen?


Sex, sex, sex.

See, the thing about sex

is there's good sex

and there's bad sex.

This next piece

is a special report

on some bad sex.

And I mean bad like,

Catholic priest, R. Kelly bad.

[announcer] And now

a News Center 3 special report

with Chuck Taylor.

Good evening,

I'm Chuck Taylor.

Tonight's top story...

Outrage throughout the community

as yet another sex scandal

involving boys

and men of authority.

Who is it this time, you ask?

Jedi Knights in

a galaxy far, far away.

Many of them are coming

forward with allegations

that the Jedi Masters

they studied under

repeatedly sexually

molested them

over a number of years

and that the Jedi Council

knew about it all along,

in some cases,

encouraging the abuse.

To clarify, Jedi Knights

like young Luke Skywalker

being sexually abused by Jedis

like Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Okay, we're getting word

that council leader Yoda

is having a press conference

right now at Skywalker ranch.

We go there now.

[reporters clamoring]


[man] Yoda, isn't it true

you knew of these abuses

in 1977?

Know about sex with boys,

Yoda did not.

Tired, Yoda is.

Resign, he will.

[reporter] Yoda, Yoda, Yoda...

You, you.

Yoda, then how do

explain the recently

uncovered tape

that seems to implicate

you in the cover-up

of Jedi Boy touching?

Yoda, that was not.

[woman] Then who was it?

Mickey Rooney, maybe?

Over, this interview is.


Can we roll the footage

of that tape in question?

Appalling, Yoda's behavior was.

Damn it!

Now that freak has me

talking like him.

Okay, I'm being told now

that Mace Windau,

Yoda's replacement,

is now at the podium.

We go live.

I would just like to say

that this council

has zero tolerance

for any sexual deviancy

regarding our Jedi Knights.

[woman reporter]

Mace? Mace? Mace?

Question here. Mace, do you feel

that the Jedis

who committed these kind

of crimes deserve to die?

Yes, they deserve to die,

and I hope they burn in hell!

Strong words from Mr. Windau.

News Center 3 has been covering

this story for some time,

and earlier today, I caught up

with the former Jedi Knight

who first made

these allegations.

My master said

the force was strong in me.

And gave me a wine cooler.

Then he made me wear

a blindfold

and reach into his pants

to "look for the force."

[breathing heavily]

Are you sighing,

or are you just...

breathing normally?

I don't even know anymore!

Son, I know this is difficult

for you, but...

Could you show me on the doll

where he touched you?

Point it out.

[breathing heavily]

[Jarth] Can we cut tape?

Miguel, you heard the man.

Cut the goddamn tape!

Just cut it!


[Jarth] [crying] I was just

young and curious.


We may never know

what really happened, but...

people on the street

have been reacting

to this news all day.

This never would've happened

in the world of Star Trek

'cause the fleet commanders

would not have allowed

You can't prove that!


A simple statement of protest

from an angry young geek.

When we come back,

gay-droid marriage,

should it be legalized?

This queer couple says yes.

[news fanfare music]

We're gonna take a quick

commercial break.

We'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

Please, don't go anywhere.

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

Hey, guys, I wanna thank you all

for being with me tonight.

I'd like to thank you

at home for tuning in.

You guys are the greatest.

I'll see you next week,

God willin'.

I'm out.

[cheering and applauding]

-[Dave] I'm rich, biatch!

-[horn honking]

[woman] Hi, thank you.

[techno music playing]

♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'

To fuck with ♪

♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'

To fuck with ♪

♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'

To fuck with ♪

[music continues]