Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 7 - Real Movies & Wu-Tang Financial - full transcript
Dave introduces a financial consulting firm created by the Wu-Tang Clan. Plus he gives his "realistic" take on some movie classics such as "The Matrix" and "Pretty Woman".
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[cheering and applauding]
[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
Good evening.
Welcome back, guys.
How ya been?
Guys, I was out last night,
had a pretty good time,
and I saw that mad dash.
You know, the mad dash
at the end of the night
when guys are really scrambling
to get some booty?
And it's like a game,
and the shot clock
is running out.
It's like football or something.
Well, if you come up
under incredible odds,
that means that you've had
a great moment
in hook-up history,
and I salute you,
and I salute all
who have had a great moment
in hook-up history.
[narrator] 1983, historic
Applecrumby's,
the setting for yet another
classic standoff
between sworn rivals.
Just the sort of standoff
that creates
classic hook-up moments.
Bobby Hutchinson
had spent the night
trying to rush his way
to pay dirt, Gina Morris.
Both prior attempts
by Bobby were stuffed
by the tough defensive line
that Morris traveled with.
Left guard, Carol Deitrich,
and right guard,
Denisha "Bear" Bryant,
a tandem that had racked up
14 cock blocks
just a year earlier.
With the defense
momentarily sidelined,
Bobby struck quickly,
approaching the coveted Morris
and winning her over
with one of his hysterical
video game references.
You give me Pac-Man fever.
[gobbling]
[narrator] With the defense
returning and time running out,
Bobby went into his
hurry-up offense.
Slowly but surely, Hutchinson
wore down the defensive line
with shots up the gut.
With time running out,
Hutchinson went for
the game-winning score.
Gina, why don't you
just come home with me?
No, we promised each other
we'd all leave here together.
[narrator]
His attempt was blocked.
But Hutchinson recovered
the block
and exploited the defense's
biggest weakness.
You know, I got
some pizzas at the crib.
Alright.
Pizza?
I don't want no pizza.
And some weed, too.
Weed? A'ight, yeah.
[narrator] Hutchinson knew
he was home free.
Victory was assured.
That night, Bobby and Gina
had drunken sex
on top of her two
passed-out friends,
Technically making
it a four-way.
Bobby Hutchinson, yet another
great player
responsible for a great moment
in hook-up history.
Them clothes
were a throwback.
I look like Turbo from Breakin'.
I really got into
that character, too.
'Cause after we was done
shooting,
I cleaned up the set.
I'm serious,
they rolled camera on it.
[techno music playing]
And now, folks, it is time
for a segment that I like
to call Real Movies,
where you show the real version
of what would happen
in some of our favorite movies.
You know, a lot of these movies
get to be a little fake
and phony.
Like you see Home Alone,
and Macaulay Culkin
is trickin' these bad guys,
when you know any real robber
would've shot the little dude
in the first five minutes,
roll credits, the end.
So we like to show
what would really happen
in some of our favorite movies.
Starting tonight
with The Matrix.
[mobile ringing]
Hello?
[man] Hello, Neo,
do you know who this is?
Morpheus?
[Morpheus] Yes.
I've been looking for you, Neo.
I don't know if you're ready
to see what I want to show you,
but, unfortunately, you and I
have run out of time.
They're coming for you, Neo,
And I don't know
what they're going to do.
Who's coming for me?
Stand up and see for yourself.
[exclaims]
I can guide you out of there
but you must do
exactly as I say.
Okay.
The cubicle across
from you is empty.
Go, now!
Stay there.
When I tell you,
go to the end of the hall.
Stay as low as you can.
Now.
[agent farting]
There is a black man
sitting at a desk
directly to your right.
Look at him.
Morpheus?
Psyche! [chuckles]
It's Earl, nigga,
I need your stapler.
I can't find mine.
Hello, dumb-dumb,
do you know who this is?
[laughing]
Dude, you totally got me.
Whoa!
[laughing]
Alright, gang, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back
with Chappelle's Show.
[cheering and applauding]
[chuckles] You know, folks,
in an earlier episode,
we were talking about
just the entrepreneurship
of all these hip-hop cats, man.
These rappers got their
hands in everything.
So I'm home the other day,
and I caught this commercial...
I don't know
if y'all have seen it,
but this bugged me out.
[announcer] The most precious
thing in the world
is the financial security
and well-being of your family.
You wanna send your little ones
to the best schools,
and in the end,
know that you've left them
with peace of mind.
Nowadays we all know that
cash rules everything around us,
cream,
get the money,
dollar-dollar bill, y'all.
That's why it's time to enter
the 36 chambers.
Come step to the "Wu",
Wu-Tang Financial.
At Wu-Tang financial,
we'll work with you
to devise the best plan
for you and your fam.
I mean, Smith Barney--
-Bunch of bitches.
-Old-time farts and shit.
You gotta know how
to jack this shit.
You gotta play
this game rough.
You know what I mean?
In, out, get, grab, bonk.
You need to diversify
your bonds, nigga.
Military shit is blowin' up.
We about to go to war,
invest in some nuclear bombs.
This ain't
trading places, nigga.
This is real fucking life!
Protect your goddamn neck,
a'ight?
Wu-Tang Financial,
a place for you and your kids.
[narrator]
All of our trusted consultants
are here to meet your needs.
Unfortunately,
the ol' dirty bastard
couldn't make it today,
but he sends his regards...
[mimicking]
Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da.
[narrator] So call us,
because at the end of the day,
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' to fuck with.
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪ ♪
[narrator] Step to the "Wu",
Wu-Tang Financial.
Now, who could forget
the timeless classic,
Pretty Woman,
where Julia Roberts
plays a prostitute
that lucks up
and meets a millionaire,
and they fall in love?
Well, let's see what would
happen in the real version
of Pretty Woman.
I worked at a couple
of fast-food places.
Parked cars at wrestling.
I couldn't pay the rent.
And I was too ashamed
to go home.
That's when I met Kit.
She was a hooker
and made it sound so great.
Okay.
You've gotta get
the fuck outta here.
Hey,
we're gonna take
a quick commercial break,
and I promise
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
♪ The greatest show ♪
Hey, gang.
Hey, hey, welcome back.
You know, folks,
I'm really tryin'
to encourage dialogue
amongst the diverse array
of people in America,
so it's time again
for Ask a Black Dude
with none other than comedian,
Paul Mooney.
Why in the movies is the
Black guy the first guy killed?
That happy nigga,
that's in that movie
where he heals all white people,
the big black runaway.
He was throughout
that whole movie.
He only got killed
at the end...
which I hated.
I hated that movie
'cause I hated him,
and I hated everybody
that wrote that movie.
Black people are always worried
about, like,
in Barbershop.
They better be worried about
what they say in white films.
White films go
all over the world.
'Cause I remember The Godfather,
and I won't forget the...
When they had the drug scene
and they said,
"Well, we don't do that,
sell it to the Niggers."
They shoulda had somethin'
to say about that.
Are your cameras still on?
Black people wanna go
to Black dentists,
and do Black people wanna
get buried by Black...
undertakers?
That's funny, Stephen King.
He almost said, "Nigger,"
I read between 'em.
I always thought
dentists were dentists.
I wasn't into Black
and white dentists, please.
If they can fix the teeth, cool,
if they can't, that's cool, too.
That's kind of a weird question,
and coming from Stephen King,
that was very strange.
A horror man come on and ask
a question about a nigga.
That was already scary.
I wrote a script
for Stephen King.
I have a Stephen King
horror movie...
Nigger with a brain.
We'll see how that scare people.
Niggers in school,
how 'bout that, Stephen?
[chuckling]
Sex, sex, sex.
See, the thing about sex
is there's good sex
and there's bad sex.
This next piece
is a special report
on some bad sex.
And I mean bad like,
Catholic priest, R. Kelly bad.
[announcer] And now
a News Center 3 special report
with Chuck Taylor.
Good evening,
I'm Chuck Taylor.
Tonight's top story...
Outrage throughout the community
as yet another sex scandal
involving boys
and men of authority.
Who is it this time, you ask?
Jedi Knights in
a galaxy far, far away.
Many of them are coming
forward with allegations
that the Jedi Masters
they studied under
repeatedly sexually
molested them
over a number of years
and that the Jedi Council
knew about it all along,
in some cases,
encouraging the abuse.
To clarify, Jedi Knights
like young Luke Skywalker
being sexually abused by Jedis
like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Okay, we're getting word
that council leader Yoda
is having a press conference
right now at Skywalker ranch.
We go there now.
[reporters clamoring]
You.
[man] Yoda, isn't it true
you knew of these abuses
in 1977?
Know about sex with boys,
Yoda did not.
Tired, Yoda is.
Resign, he will.
[reporter] Yoda, Yoda, Yoda...
You, you.
Yoda, then how do
explain the recently
uncovered tape
that seems to implicate
you in the cover-up
of Jedi Boy touching?
Yoda, that was not.
[woman] Then who was it?
Mickey Rooney, maybe?
Over, this interview is.
[whooshing]
Can we roll the footage
of that tape in question?
Appalling, Yoda's behavior was.
Damn it!
Now that freak has me
talking like him.
Okay, I'm being told now
that Mace Windau,
Yoda's replacement,
is now at the podium.
We go live.
I would just like to say
that this council
has zero tolerance
for any sexual deviancy
regarding our Jedi Knights.
[woman reporter]
Mace? Mace? Mace?
Question here. Mace, do you feel
that the Jedis
who committed these kind
of crimes deserve to die?
Yes, they deserve to die,
and I hope they burn in hell!
Strong words from Mr. Windau.
News Center 3 has been covering
this story for some time,
and earlier today, I caught up
with the former Jedi Knight
who first made
these allegations.
My master said
the force was strong in me.
And gave me a wine cooler.
Then he made me wear
a blindfold
and reach into his pants
to "look for the force."
[breathing heavily]
Are you sighing,
or are you just...
breathing normally?
I don't even know anymore!
Son, I know this is difficult
for you, but...
Could you show me on the doll
where he touched you?
Point it out.
[breathing heavily]
[Jarth] Can we cut tape?
Miguel, you heard the man.
Cut the goddamn tape!
Just cut it!
[mouthing]
[Jarth] [crying] I was just
young and curious.
[sobbing]
We may never know
what really happened, but...
people on the street
have been reacting
to this news all day.
This never would've happened
in the world of Star Trek
'cause the fleet commanders
would not have allowed
You can't prove that!
[screaming]
A simple statement of protest
from an angry young geek.
When we come back,
gay-droid marriage,
should it be legalized?
This queer couple says yes.
[news fanfare music]
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
Please, don't go anywhere.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
Hey, guys, I wanna thank you all
for being with me tonight.
I'd like to thank you
at home for tuning in.
You guys are the greatest.
I'll see you next week,
God willin'.
I'm out.
[cheering and applauding]
-[Dave] I'm rich, biatch!
-[horn honking]
[woman] Hi, thank you.
[techno music playing]
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
[music continues]
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[cheering and applauding]
[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
Good evening.
Welcome back, guys.
How ya been?
Guys, I was out last night,
had a pretty good time,
and I saw that mad dash.
You know, the mad dash
at the end of the night
when guys are really scrambling
to get some booty?
And it's like a game,
and the shot clock
is running out.
It's like football or something.
Well, if you come up
under incredible odds,
that means that you've had
a great moment
in hook-up history,
and I salute you,
and I salute all
who have had a great moment
in hook-up history.
[narrator] 1983, historic
Applecrumby's,
the setting for yet another
classic standoff
between sworn rivals.
Just the sort of standoff
that creates
classic hook-up moments.
Bobby Hutchinson
had spent the night
trying to rush his way
to pay dirt, Gina Morris.
Both prior attempts
by Bobby were stuffed
by the tough defensive line
that Morris traveled with.
Left guard, Carol Deitrich,
and right guard,
Denisha "Bear" Bryant,
a tandem that had racked up
14 cock blocks
just a year earlier.
With the defense
momentarily sidelined,
Bobby struck quickly,
approaching the coveted Morris
and winning her over
with one of his hysterical
video game references.
You give me Pac-Man fever.
[gobbling]
[narrator] With the defense
returning and time running out,
Bobby went into his
hurry-up offense.
Slowly but surely, Hutchinson
wore down the defensive line
with shots up the gut.
With time running out,
Hutchinson went for
the game-winning score.
Gina, why don't you
just come home with me?
No, we promised each other
we'd all leave here together.
[narrator]
His attempt was blocked.
But Hutchinson recovered
the block
and exploited the defense's
biggest weakness.
You know, I got
some pizzas at the crib.
Alright.
Pizza?
I don't want no pizza.
And some weed, too.
Weed? A'ight, yeah.
[narrator] Hutchinson knew
he was home free.
Victory was assured.
That night, Bobby and Gina
had drunken sex
on top of her two
passed-out friends,
Technically making
it a four-way.
Bobby Hutchinson, yet another
great player
responsible for a great moment
in hook-up history.
Them clothes
were a throwback.
I look like Turbo from Breakin'.
I really got into
that character, too.
'Cause after we was done
shooting,
I cleaned up the set.
I'm serious,
they rolled camera on it.
[techno music playing]
And now, folks, it is time
for a segment that I like
to call Real Movies,
where you show the real version
of what would happen
in some of our favorite movies.
You know, a lot of these movies
get to be a little fake
and phony.
Like you see Home Alone,
and Macaulay Culkin
is trickin' these bad guys,
when you know any real robber
would've shot the little dude
in the first five minutes,
roll credits, the end.
So we like to show
what would really happen
in some of our favorite movies.
Starting tonight
with The Matrix.
[mobile ringing]
Hello?
[man] Hello, Neo,
do you know who this is?
Morpheus?
[Morpheus] Yes.
I've been looking for you, Neo.
I don't know if you're ready
to see what I want to show you,
but, unfortunately, you and I
have run out of time.
They're coming for you, Neo,
And I don't know
what they're going to do.
Who's coming for me?
Stand up and see for yourself.
[exclaims]
I can guide you out of there
but you must do
exactly as I say.
Okay.
The cubicle across
from you is empty.
Go, now!
Stay there.
When I tell you,
go to the end of the hall.
Stay as low as you can.
Now.
[agent farting]
There is a black man
sitting at a desk
directly to your right.
Look at him.
Morpheus?
Psyche! [chuckles]
It's Earl, nigga,
I need your stapler.
I can't find mine.
Hello, dumb-dumb,
do you know who this is?
[laughing]
Dude, you totally got me.
Whoa!
[laughing]
Alright, gang, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back
with Chappelle's Show.
[cheering and applauding]
[chuckles] You know, folks,
in an earlier episode,
we were talking about
just the entrepreneurship
of all these hip-hop cats, man.
These rappers got their
hands in everything.
So I'm home the other day,
and I caught this commercial...
I don't know
if y'all have seen it,
but this bugged me out.
[announcer] The most precious
thing in the world
is the financial security
and well-being of your family.
You wanna send your little ones
to the best schools,
and in the end,
know that you've left them
with peace of mind.
Nowadays we all know that
cash rules everything around us,
cream,
get the money,
dollar-dollar bill, y'all.
That's why it's time to enter
the 36 chambers.
Come step to the "Wu",
Wu-Tang Financial.
At Wu-Tang financial,
we'll work with you
to devise the best plan
for you and your fam.
I mean, Smith Barney--
-Bunch of bitches.
-Old-time farts and shit.
You gotta know how
to jack this shit.
You gotta play
this game rough.
You know what I mean?
In, out, get, grab, bonk.
You need to diversify
your bonds, nigga.
Military shit is blowin' up.
We about to go to war,
invest in some nuclear bombs.
This ain't
trading places, nigga.
This is real fucking life!
Protect your goddamn neck,
a'ight?
Wu-Tang Financial,
a place for you and your kids.
[narrator]
All of our trusted consultants
are here to meet your needs.
Unfortunately,
the ol' dirty bastard
couldn't make it today,
but he sends his regards...
[mimicking]
Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da.
[narrator] So call us,
because at the end of the day,
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' to fuck with.
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪ ♪
[narrator] Step to the "Wu",
Wu-Tang Financial.
Now, who could forget
the timeless classic,
Pretty Woman,
where Julia Roberts
plays a prostitute
that lucks up
and meets a millionaire,
and they fall in love?
Well, let's see what would
happen in the real version
of Pretty Woman.
I worked at a couple
of fast-food places.
Parked cars at wrestling.
I couldn't pay the rent.
And I was too ashamed
to go home.
That's when I met Kit.
She was a hooker
and made it sound so great.
Okay.
You've gotta get
the fuck outta here.
Hey,
we're gonna take
a quick commercial break,
and I promise
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
♪ The greatest show ♪
Hey, gang.
Hey, hey, welcome back.
You know, folks,
I'm really tryin'
to encourage dialogue
amongst the diverse array
of people in America,
so it's time again
for Ask a Black Dude
with none other than comedian,
Paul Mooney.
Why in the movies is the
Black guy the first guy killed?
That happy nigga,
that's in that movie
where he heals all white people,
the big black runaway.
He was throughout
that whole movie.
He only got killed
at the end...
which I hated.
I hated that movie
'cause I hated him,
and I hated everybody
that wrote that movie.
Black people are always worried
about, like,
in Barbershop.
They better be worried about
what they say in white films.
White films go
all over the world.
'Cause I remember The Godfather,
and I won't forget the...
When they had the drug scene
and they said,
"Well, we don't do that,
sell it to the Niggers."
They shoulda had somethin'
to say about that.
Are your cameras still on?
Black people wanna go
to Black dentists,
and do Black people wanna
get buried by Black...
undertakers?
That's funny, Stephen King.
He almost said, "Nigger,"
I read between 'em.
I always thought
dentists were dentists.
I wasn't into Black
and white dentists, please.
If they can fix the teeth, cool,
if they can't, that's cool, too.
That's kind of a weird question,
and coming from Stephen King,
that was very strange.
A horror man come on and ask
a question about a nigga.
That was already scary.
I wrote a script
for Stephen King.
I have a Stephen King
horror movie...
Nigger with a brain.
We'll see how that scare people.
Niggers in school,
how 'bout that, Stephen?
[chuckling]
Sex, sex, sex.
See, the thing about sex
is there's good sex
and there's bad sex.
This next piece
is a special report
on some bad sex.
And I mean bad like,
Catholic priest, R. Kelly bad.
[announcer] And now
a News Center 3 special report
with Chuck Taylor.
Good evening,
I'm Chuck Taylor.
Tonight's top story...
Outrage throughout the community
as yet another sex scandal
involving boys
and men of authority.
Who is it this time, you ask?
Jedi Knights in
a galaxy far, far away.
Many of them are coming
forward with allegations
that the Jedi Masters
they studied under
repeatedly sexually
molested them
over a number of years
and that the Jedi Council
knew about it all along,
in some cases,
encouraging the abuse.
To clarify, Jedi Knights
like young Luke Skywalker
being sexually abused by Jedis
like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Okay, we're getting word
that council leader Yoda
is having a press conference
right now at Skywalker ranch.
We go there now.
[reporters clamoring]
You.
[man] Yoda, isn't it true
you knew of these abuses
in 1977?
Know about sex with boys,
Yoda did not.
Tired, Yoda is.
Resign, he will.
[reporter] Yoda, Yoda, Yoda...
You, you.
Yoda, then how do
explain the recently
uncovered tape
that seems to implicate
you in the cover-up
of Jedi Boy touching?
Yoda, that was not.
[woman] Then who was it?
Mickey Rooney, maybe?
Over, this interview is.
[whooshing]
Can we roll the footage
of that tape in question?
Appalling, Yoda's behavior was.
Damn it!
Now that freak has me
talking like him.
Okay, I'm being told now
that Mace Windau,
Yoda's replacement,
is now at the podium.
We go live.
I would just like to say
that this council
has zero tolerance
for any sexual deviancy
regarding our Jedi Knights.
[woman reporter]
Mace? Mace? Mace?
Question here. Mace, do you feel
that the Jedis
who committed these kind
of crimes deserve to die?
Yes, they deserve to die,
and I hope they burn in hell!
Strong words from Mr. Windau.
News Center 3 has been covering
this story for some time,
and earlier today, I caught up
with the former Jedi Knight
who first made
these allegations.
My master said
the force was strong in me.
And gave me a wine cooler.
Then he made me wear
a blindfold
and reach into his pants
to "look for the force."
[breathing heavily]
Are you sighing,
or are you just...
breathing normally?
I don't even know anymore!
Son, I know this is difficult
for you, but...
Could you show me on the doll
where he touched you?
Point it out.
[breathing heavily]
[Jarth] Can we cut tape?
Miguel, you heard the man.
Cut the goddamn tape!
Just cut it!
[mouthing]
[Jarth] [crying] I was just
young and curious.
[sobbing]
We may never know
what really happened, but...
people on the street
have been reacting
to this news all day.
This never would've happened
in the world of Star Trek
'cause the fleet commanders
would not have allowed
You can't prove that!
[screaming]
A simple statement of protest
from an angry young geek.
When we come back,
gay-droid marriage,
should it be legalized?
This queer couple says yes.
[news fanfare music]
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
Please, don't go anywhere.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
Hey, guys, I wanna thank you all
for being with me tonight.
I'd like to thank you
at home for tuning in.
You guys are the greatest.
I'll see you next week,
God willin'.
I'm out.
[cheering and applauding]
-[Dave] I'm rich, biatch!
-[horn honking]
[woman] Hi, thank you.
[techno music playing]
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
[music continues]