Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 9 - Episode #1.9 - full transcript
♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
Hey, hey!
Clippity-clappity,
clappity-clap!
I've gotta tell you guys,
when I'm not doing this show,
I play a lot of video games.
I don't know if you guys
are into them a lot,
but I love video games,
anytime, all the time.
I make love to my wife:
"Get off me."
Turn on PlayStation.
I just want points, man.
My whole life's like
Vice City, man, look.
It's crazy, man, you'll see.
Look, just look at this.
I'll see you, baby.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
[car honks]
[Dave] Sorry, I need this!
[man] What are you doing?
Not if I can help it.
[gunshots]
Ow! Oh!
[machine gun firing]
The name's Chappelle.
Bye, baby, I'll see you later.
I love ya!
[applause]
I was recently overseas
in Japan. I'm not braggin'.
I got a lot of respect in Japan.
I've never been treated
so well by people.
I would say that I was loved
and feared at the same time.
I have footage of my vacation,
and I would like to share it
with you right now.
[melodramatic music playing]
[loud rumbling]
[screaming]
Ahh...
[Funkier music playing]
Ohh!
[coughing]
All y'all right here,
I got something for ya.
I got something for all y'all.
Oh, no, he pull his pants down!
♪ Ta-daaa ♪
That's no snake, honey.
♪ It's raining It's pouring... ♪
[siren blaring]
Oh, snap!
I thought you was locked up.
[roaring]
You have a problem, huh?
Ooh!
Oh, no!
[squish, Godzilla roars]
Yee!
[electricity buzzing]
Yah!
Yeah!
I'm from the streets, bitch!
Oh, no!
Oh, ooh! Hot, hot!
Oh, no, not stick.
Ahh! Ahh!
Ah!
[romantic piano music playing]
Um...
I'll call you sometime
or come around or something.
I'll be back.
[roar]
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back, folks,
with more Chappelle's Show.
So don't go anywhere.
Man, I'm bored.
I gotta go
to the Chappelle show.
You know, folks...
Tonight is actually
a very special night.
I was in negotiations
with Comedy Central
to do a one-hour special--
much like I did on HBO.
Very excited about it, and then,
suddenly the negotiations
fell apart
'cause they didn't have
the money that I wanted.
They won't budge.
But they did, they did
come up with enough money
for me to do
a two-minute special.
Yes, and tonight,
you are the lucky crowd
that gets to see it.
So everyone, just sit tight.
I'm gonna go in the back
and we're gonna start
shootin' this puppy.
All right, let's get it goin'.
[funky music plays]
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up right now
for Dave Chappelle!
[cheers and applause]
Whassup?
How y'all feelin'?
I gotta get right into it,
I don't have a lot of time now.
I wanna talk about the war.
I wanna tell y'all how
I really feel about the war.
Y'all ready to hear
how I feel about the war?
Y'all ready to hear
how I feel about Bush?
Well, this is how I feel--
[buzzer]
Thank you very much, good night!
Fuckin' pay me!
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Better not bring your kids ♪
Hey, guys.
Do any of you guys watch
those documentaries on HBO ?
Those, uh, Hookers and Johns ?
[audience] Yeah.
Did anybody see that one,
Pimps Up, Ho's Down ?
[applause]
I just seen their new one,
and I got an advanced copy
on it,
you're gonna love it.
Check it out.
Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'?
Like, real hatin', man,
that's like an art form, man.
You know, it's like,
you like a born hater.
You know, like myself,
a lot of cats think they hatin'.
I mean, I'm mad at everything,
man.
Brother got a nice car--
"Man, why you got a car?
I only got one car.
"Why you got three cars
or a wife or all that?
Man, that's played out."
I hate on a nigga
'til he's totally broke,
and ain't got nothin' like me,
you know what I'm sayin'?
'Cause, yeah, that's what
real hatin' is all about, man.
Hey, what's poppin', everybody?
The evil star here,
wanna welcome you
to The Fifth Annual Player
Haters Award, uh, ceremony.
This gala affair, we, uh,
we host this once a year.
We honor the most
prestigious verbal abusers,
uh, on the planet.
[heavy Korean accent]
Again, I'm hating
all them Koreans.
[speaking Korean]
Is that a cut on beauty?
The Player Haters ball
gives us an opportunity
to hate on a diverse array
of Mark-ass marks,
trick-ass marks, punk bitches
and skip-scap skanks
and scallywags...
Hos, heifers, hee-haws
and hula hoops.
Man, you oughta take that cane
and beat whoever
made that suit to death.
[laughs]
Why don't you vacuum that coat,
man?
Well, well, well!
The most diabolical haters
this side of the Mississippi.
Buc nasty, what can I say
about that suit
that hasn't already been
said about Afghanistan?
It looks bombed out
and depleted.
And of course,
the so-called "beautiful."
Why don't you click your heels
together three times
and go back to Africa?
And as for you, Boss Hogg,
very insulting what you said
about my coat.
It's made out of
your mother's pubic hair.
Quite shitty.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go take my throne
'cause I'm a shoo-in...
For hater of the year.
The Player Haters ball
is not always about
hating on one another.
We play games with each other,
too.
Like our annual photo flip.
-[man] Oh. Damn.
-[man1] Oh, my God.
[man2] Little-ass teeth?
Nigga got dolphin teeth.
Arsenio hall teeth!
He always says he doesn't want
anyone to see him shine,
but the nigga looks shiny to me.
Looks like Malcolm X before
he converted to Islam.
[Effie] Next.
[man2] Thank you, Miss Effie.
Good lord, almighty,
it's Osama bin Laden.
That motherfucker pumped
my gas in my car
on the way over here.
[man2] That's ironic, because
I take yoga classes from him.
Next picture, please.
I like the song the girl sings,
Papa, Don't Preach.
I got a song for you too, bitch.
It's called,
Daughter, Don't Sing.
Next picture, please.
[man] It's boy George!
Now, that man right there
I'd hate to fight.
She wears underwear
with dick holes in 'em.
[man] Now to present the award
for Player Hater of the year--
Ice T.!
[booing]
You look like Bill Cosby
on crack!
I'd like to welcome
all you ignorant-ass bitches,
critics, complainers,
disgruntled rappers,
ha, and racists especially,
to the Ninth Annual
International Player
Haters Ball!
Oh, man, hate, hate, hate...
[audience chanting]
Hate, hate, hate, hate...
Hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate.
Oh, man, you corny!
Next nigga say somethin'
while I'm talkin'
is gettin' shot,
please believe that.
[audience] Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate!
So without further ado,
let me give you the nominations
for Player Hater of the year.
Y'all ready?
First up...
Buc Nasty!
[booing]
Clap for me, bitch!
Buc Nasty is nominated for...
Getting his best friend's wife
pregnant,
then tricking
his best friend into
raising the little motherfucker.
Yeah, holla at your boy.
Damn, that's hateful!
The next nominee is Pitbull.
[booing]
Pitbull is nominated
for calling the police
on the drug dealers that moved
next door to his house,
not because it was
the right thing to do,
just because he was jealous of
all the money they was makin'.
Pitbull!
[barks]
Finally, the one and only...
Silky Johnson!
[boos and applause]
Silky Johnson is nominated
for calling in a bomb threat
to the special Olympics, man!
[audience] Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate!
The winner of The Ninth Annual
Player Hater
of the year award is...
[man] Look like a bootleg
Ice T.!
Silky Johnston!
[booing]
Kiss my ass!
I'm the biggest hater!
Silky mink made out of
100% rat ass!
Hit me, baby.
That, of course,
was beautiful talkin'.
Beautiful on the weekends
does stunts for little Richard
in gay movies.
[laughter]
First off, I would like
to thank God almighty
for giving everybody so much...
And me so little.
I hate you, I hate you,
I don't even know you,
and I hate your guts.
I hope all the bad things
in life happen to you
and nobody else but you.
[booing]
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!
And as I sip my soda
that I'm sure somebody spit in
I just would like to say
to all of you,
kiss my ass,
you rotten motherfuckers.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go home
and put some water
in Buc Nasty's mama's dish.
Good evening.
[laughter]
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...
[cheers and applause]
I will be right back,
I will see you shortly.
Come back, don't go anywhere.
You got more Chappelle's Show
after these messages.
♪ Turn on your TV ♪
♪ What you gonna see? ♪
I would like to thank all of you
for being here with me tonight.
You're great.
And I'd like to thank you
at home for watching.
Tune in next week
and we'll see you on
Chappelle's Show.
[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!
[horn honks]
- Hi, thank you!
Silky mama got one big titty
and one little titty,
and they call that
bitch "biggie smalls"!
Hit me three times, baby.
He looks like a broke-ass...
He looks like a broke-ass...
He looks like a broke-ass...
He looks like a broke-ass...
Sexual, broke, uh,
sexual chocolate.
Is that the word?
I wish you ill, Ice T.
That's right, that's right.
Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
Hey, hey!
Clippity-clappity,
clappity-clap!
I've gotta tell you guys,
when I'm not doing this show,
I play a lot of video games.
I don't know if you guys
are into them a lot,
but I love video games,
anytime, all the time.
I make love to my wife:
"Get off me."
Turn on PlayStation.
I just want points, man.
My whole life's like
Vice City, man, look.
It's crazy, man, you'll see.
Look, just look at this.
I'll see you, baby.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
[car honks]
[Dave] Sorry, I need this!
[man] What are you doing?
Not if I can help it.
[gunshots]
Ow! Oh!
[machine gun firing]
The name's Chappelle.
Bye, baby, I'll see you later.
I love ya!
[applause]
I was recently overseas
in Japan. I'm not braggin'.
I got a lot of respect in Japan.
I've never been treated
so well by people.
I would say that I was loved
and feared at the same time.
I have footage of my vacation,
and I would like to share it
with you right now.
[melodramatic music playing]
[loud rumbling]
[screaming]
Ahh...
[Funkier music playing]
Ohh!
[coughing]
All y'all right here,
I got something for ya.
I got something for all y'all.
Oh, no, he pull his pants down!
♪ Ta-daaa ♪
That's no snake, honey.
♪ It's raining It's pouring... ♪
[siren blaring]
Oh, snap!
I thought you was locked up.
[roaring]
You have a problem, huh?
Ooh!
Oh, no!
[squish, Godzilla roars]
Yee!
[electricity buzzing]
Yah!
Yeah!
I'm from the streets, bitch!
Oh, no!
Oh, ooh! Hot, hot!
Oh, no, not stick.
Ahh! Ahh!
Ah!
[romantic piano music playing]
Um...
I'll call you sometime
or come around or something.
I'll be back.
[roar]
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back, folks,
with more Chappelle's Show.
So don't go anywhere.
Man, I'm bored.
I gotta go
to the Chappelle show.
You know, folks...
Tonight is actually
a very special night.
I was in negotiations
with Comedy Central
to do a one-hour special--
much like I did on HBO.
Very excited about it, and then,
suddenly the negotiations
fell apart
'cause they didn't have
the money that I wanted.
They won't budge.
But they did, they did
come up with enough money
for me to do
a two-minute special.
Yes, and tonight,
you are the lucky crowd
that gets to see it.
So everyone, just sit tight.
I'm gonna go in the back
and we're gonna start
shootin' this puppy.
All right, let's get it goin'.
[funky music plays]
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up right now
for Dave Chappelle!
[cheers and applause]
Whassup?
How y'all feelin'?
I gotta get right into it,
I don't have a lot of time now.
I wanna talk about the war.
I wanna tell y'all how
I really feel about the war.
Y'all ready to hear
how I feel about the war?
Y'all ready to hear
how I feel about Bush?
Well, this is how I feel--
[buzzer]
Thank you very much, good night!
Fuckin' pay me!
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Better not bring your kids ♪
Hey, guys.
Do any of you guys watch
those documentaries on HBO ?
Those, uh, Hookers and Johns ?
[audience] Yeah.
Did anybody see that one,
Pimps Up, Ho's Down ?
[applause]
I just seen their new one,
and I got an advanced copy
on it,
you're gonna love it.
Check it out.
Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'?
Like, real hatin', man,
that's like an art form, man.
You know, it's like,
you like a born hater.
You know, like myself,
a lot of cats think they hatin'.
I mean, I'm mad at everything,
man.
Brother got a nice car--
"Man, why you got a car?
I only got one car.
"Why you got three cars
or a wife or all that?
Man, that's played out."
I hate on a nigga
'til he's totally broke,
and ain't got nothin' like me,
you know what I'm sayin'?
'Cause, yeah, that's what
real hatin' is all about, man.
Hey, what's poppin', everybody?
The evil star here,
wanna welcome you
to The Fifth Annual Player
Haters Award, uh, ceremony.
This gala affair, we, uh,
we host this once a year.
We honor the most
prestigious verbal abusers,
uh, on the planet.
[heavy Korean accent]
Again, I'm hating
all them Koreans.
[speaking Korean]
Is that a cut on beauty?
The Player Haters ball
gives us an opportunity
to hate on a diverse array
of Mark-ass marks,
trick-ass marks, punk bitches
and skip-scap skanks
and scallywags...
Hos, heifers, hee-haws
and hula hoops.
Man, you oughta take that cane
and beat whoever
made that suit to death.
[laughs]
Why don't you vacuum that coat,
man?
Well, well, well!
The most diabolical haters
this side of the Mississippi.
Buc nasty, what can I say
about that suit
that hasn't already been
said about Afghanistan?
It looks bombed out
and depleted.
And of course,
the so-called "beautiful."
Why don't you click your heels
together three times
and go back to Africa?
And as for you, Boss Hogg,
very insulting what you said
about my coat.
It's made out of
your mother's pubic hair.
Quite shitty.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go take my throne
'cause I'm a shoo-in...
For hater of the year.
The Player Haters ball
is not always about
hating on one another.
We play games with each other,
too.
Like our annual photo flip.
-[man] Oh. Damn.
-[man1] Oh, my God.
[man2] Little-ass teeth?
Nigga got dolphin teeth.
Arsenio hall teeth!
He always says he doesn't want
anyone to see him shine,
but the nigga looks shiny to me.
Looks like Malcolm X before
he converted to Islam.
[Effie] Next.
[man2] Thank you, Miss Effie.
Good lord, almighty,
it's Osama bin Laden.
That motherfucker pumped
my gas in my car
on the way over here.
[man2] That's ironic, because
I take yoga classes from him.
Next picture, please.
I like the song the girl sings,
Papa, Don't Preach.
I got a song for you too, bitch.
It's called,
Daughter, Don't Sing.
Next picture, please.
[man] It's boy George!
Now, that man right there
I'd hate to fight.
She wears underwear
with dick holes in 'em.
[man] Now to present the award
for Player Hater of the year--
Ice T.!
[booing]
You look like Bill Cosby
on crack!
I'd like to welcome
all you ignorant-ass bitches,
critics, complainers,
disgruntled rappers,
ha, and racists especially,
to the Ninth Annual
International Player
Haters Ball!
Oh, man, hate, hate, hate...
[audience chanting]
Hate, hate, hate, hate...
Hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate.
Oh, man, you corny!
Next nigga say somethin'
while I'm talkin'
is gettin' shot,
please believe that.
[audience] Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate!
So without further ado,
let me give you the nominations
for Player Hater of the year.
Y'all ready?
First up...
Buc Nasty!
[booing]
Clap for me, bitch!
Buc Nasty is nominated for...
Getting his best friend's wife
pregnant,
then tricking
his best friend into
raising the little motherfucker.
Yeah, holla at your boy.
Damn, that's hateful!
The next nominee is Pitbull.
[booing]
Pitbull is nominated
for calling the police
on the drug dealers that moved
next door to his house,
not because it was
the right thing to do,
just because he was jealous of
all the money they was makin'.
Pitbull!
[barks]
Finally, the one and only...
Silky Johnson!
[boos and applause]
Silky Johnson is nominated
for calling in a bomb threat
to the special Olympics, man!
[audience] Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate!
The winner of The Ninth Annual
Player Hater
of the year award is...
[man] Look like a bootleg
Ice T.!
Silky Johnston!
[booing]
Kiss my ass!
I'm the biggest hater!
Silky mink made out of
100% rat ass!
Hit me, baby.
That, of course,
was beautiful talkin'.
Beautiful on the weekends
does stunts for little Richard
in gay movies.
[laughter]
First off, I would like
to thank God almighty
for giving everybody so much...
And me so little.
I hate you, I hate you,
I don't even know you,
and I hate your guts.
I hope all the bad things
in life happen to you
and nobody else but you.
[booing]
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!
And as I sip my soda
that I'm sure somebody spit in
I just would like to say
to all of you,
kiss my ass,
you rotten motherfuckers.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go home
and put some water
in Buc Nasty's mama's dish.
Good evening.
[laughter]
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...
[cheers and applause]
I will be right back,
I will see you shortly.
Come back, don't go anywhere.
You got more Chappelle's Show
after these messages.
♪ Turn on your TV ♪
♪ What you gonna see? ♪
I would like to thank all of you
for being here with me tonight.
You're great.
And I'd like to thank you
at home for watching.
Tune in next week
and we'll see you on
Chappelle's Show.
[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!
[horn honks]
- Hi, thank you!
Silky mama got one big titty
and one little titty,
and they call that
bitch "biggie smalls"!
Hit me three times, baby.
He looks like a broke-ass...
He looks like a broke-ass...
He looks like a broke-ass...
He looks like a broke-ass...
Sexual, broke, uh,
sexual chocolate.
Is that the word?
I wish you ill, Ice T.
That's right, that's right.