Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 9 - Episode #1.9 - full transcript

♪ Chappelle's Show

Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show

Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Oww ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

[announcer] Dave Chappelle!

Hey, hey!



I've gotta tell you guys,

when I'm not doing this show,

I play a lot of video games.

I don't know if you guys

are into them a lot,

but I love video games,

anytime, all the time.

I make love to my wife:

"Get off me."

Turn on PlayStation.

I just want points, man.

My whole life's like

Vice City, man, look.

It's crazy, man, you'll see.

Look, just look at this.

I'll see you, baby.



[car honks]

[Dave] Sorry, I need this!

[man] What are you doing?

Not if I can help it.


Ow! Oh!

[machine gun firing]

The name's Chappelle.

Bye, baby, I'll see you later.

I love ya!


I was recently overseas

in Japan. I'm not braggin'.

I got a lot of respect in Japan.

I've never been treated

so well by people.

I would say that I was loved

and feared at the same time.

I have footage of my vacation,

and I would like to share it

with you right now.

[melodramatic music playing]

[loud rumbling]



[Funkier music playing]



All y'all right here,

I got something for ya.

I got something for all y'all.

Oh, no, he pull his pants down!

♪ Ta-daaa ♪

That's no snake, honey.

♪ It's raining It's pouring... ♪

[siren blaring]

Oh, snap!

I thought you was locked up.


You have a problem, huh?


Oh, no!

[squish, Godzilla roars]


[electricity buzzing]



I'm from the streets, bitch!

Oh, no!

Oh, ooh! Hot, hot!

Oh, no, not stick.

Ahh! Ahh!


[romantic piano music playing]


I'll call you sometime

or come around or something.

I'll be back.


We're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back, folks,

with more Chappelle's Show.

So don't go anywhere.

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go

to the Chappelle show.

You know, folks...

Tonight is actually

a very special night.

I was in negotiations

with Comedy Central

to do a one-hour special--

much like I did on HBO.

Very excited about it, and then,

suddenly the negotiations

fell apart

'cause they didn't have

the money that I wanted.

They won't budge.

But they did, they did

come up with enough money

for me to do

a two-minute special.

Yes, and tonight,

you are the lucky crowd

that gets to see it.

So everyone, just sit tight.

I'm gonna go in the back

and we're gonna start

shootin' this puppy.

All right, let's get it goin'.

[funky music plays]


Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up right now

for Dave Chappelle!

[cheers and applause]


How y'all feelin'?

I gotta get right into it,

I don't have a lot of time now.

I wanna talk about the war.

I wanna tell y'all how

I really feel about the war.

Y'all ready to hear

how I feel about the war?

Y'all ready to hear

how I feel about Bush?

Well, this is how I feel--


Thank you very much, good night!

Fuckin' pay me!

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Better not bring your kids ♪

Hey, guys.

Do any of you guys watch

those documentaries on HBO ?

Those, uh, Hookers and Johns ?

[audience] Yeah.

Did anybody see that one,

Pimps Up, Ho's Down ?


I just seen their new one,

and I got an advanced copy

on it,

you're gonna love it.

Check it out.

Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'?

Like, real hatin', man,

that's like an art form, man.

You know, it's like,

you like a born hater.

You know, like myself,

a lot of cats think they hatin'.

I mean, I'm mad at everything,


Brother got a nice car--

"Man, why you got a car?

I only got one car.

"Why you got three cars

or a wife or all that?

Man, that's played out."

I hate on a nigga

'til he's totally broke,

and ain't got nothin' like me,

you know what I'm sayin'?

'Cause, yeah, that's what

real hatin' is all about, man.

Hey, what's poppin', everybody?

The evil star here,

wanna welcome you

to The Fifth Annual Player

Haters Award, uh, ceremony.

This gala affair, we, uh,

we host this once a year.

We honor the most

prestigious verbal abusers,

uh, on the planet.

[heavy Korean accent]

Again, I'm hating

all them Koreans.

[speaking Korean]

Is that a cut on beauty?

The Player Haters ball

gives us an opportunity

to hate on a diverse array

of Mark-ass marks,

trick-ass marks, punk bitches

and skip-scap skanks

and scallywags...

Hos, heifers, hee-haws

and hula hoops.

Man, you oughta take that cane

and beat whoever

made that suit to death.


Why don't you vacuum that coat,


Well, well, well!

The most diabolical haters

this side of the Mississippi.

Buc nasty, what can I say

about that suit

that hasn't already been

said about Afghanistan?

It looks bombed out

and depleted.

And of course,

the so-called "beautiful."

Why don't you click your heels

together three times

and go back to Africa?

And as for you, Boss Hogg,

very insulting what you said

about my coat.

It's made out of

your mother's pubic hair.

Quite shitty.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go take my throne

'cause I'm a shoo-in...

For hater of the year.

The Player Haters ball

is not always about

hating on one another.

We play games with each other,


Like our annual photo flip.

-[man] Oh. Damn.

-[man1] Oh, my God.

[man2] Little-ass teeth?

Nigga got dolphin teeth.

Arsenio hall teeth!

He always says he doesn't want

anyone to see him shine,

but the nigga looks shiny to me.

Looks like Malcolm X before

he converted to Islam.

[Effie] Next.

[man2] Thank you, Miss Effie.

Good lord, almighty,

it's Osama bin Laden.

That motherfucker pumped

my gas in my car

on the way over here.

[man2] That's ironic, because

I take yoga classes from him.

Next picture, please.

I like the song the girl sings,

Papa, Don't Preach.

I got a song for you too, bitch.

It's called,

Daughter, Don't Sing.

Next picture, please.

[man] It's boy George!

Now, that man right there

I'd hate to fight.

She wears underwear

with dick holes in 'em.

[man] Now to present the award

for Player Hater of the year--

Ice T.!


You look like Bill Cosby

on crack!

I'd like to welcome

all you ignorant-ass bitches,

critics, complainers,

disgruntled rappers,

ha, and racists especially,

to the Ninth Annual

International Player

Haters Ball!

Oh, man, hate, hate, hate...

[audience chanting]

Hate, hate, hate, hate...

Hate, hate, hate, hate,

hate, hate, hate, hate.

Oh, man, you corny!

Next nigga say somethin'

while I'm talkin'

is gettin' shot,

please believe that.

[audience] Hate, hate, hate,

hate, hate!

So without further ado,

let me give you the nominations

for Player Hater of the year.

Y'all ready?

First up...

Buc Nasty!


Clap for me, bitch!

Buc Nasty is nominated for...

Getting his best friend's wife


then tricking

his best friend into

raising the little motherfucker.

Yeah, holla at your boy.

Damn, that's hateful!

The next nominee is Pitbull.


Pitbull is nominated

for calling the police

on the drug dealers that moved

next door to his house,

not because it was

the right thing to do,

just because he was jealous of

all the money they was makin'.



Finally, the one and only...

Silky Johnson!

[boos and applause]

Silky Johnson is nominated

for calling in a bomb threat

to the special Olympics, man!

[audience] Hate, hate, hate,

hate, hate!

The winner of The Ninth Annual

Player Hater

of the year award is...

[man] Look like a bootleg

Ice T.!

Silky Johnston!


Kiss my ass!

I'm the biggest hater!

Silky mink made out of

100% rat ass!

Hit me, baby.

That, of course,

was beautiful talkin'.

Beautiful on the weekends

does stunts for little Richard

in gay movies.


First off, I would like

to thank God almighty

for giving everybody so much...

And me so little.

I hate you, I hate you,

I don't even know you,

and I hate your guts.

I hope all the bad things

in life happen to you

and nobody else but you.


Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!

And as I sip my soda

that I'm sure somebody spit in

I just would like to say

to all of you,

kiss my ass,

you rotten motherfuckers.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go home

and put some water

in Buc Nasty's mama's dish.

Good evening.


Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,

hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...

[cheers and applause]

I will be right back,

I will see you shortly.

Come back, don't go anywhere.

You got more Chappelle's Show

after these messages.

♪ Turn on your TV ♪

♪ What you gonna see? ♪

I would like to thank all of you

for being here with me tonight.

You're great.

And I'd like to thank you

at home for watching.

Tune in next week

and we'll see you on

Chappelle's Show.

[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!

[horn honks]

- Hi, thank you!

Silky mama got one big titty

and one little titty,

and they call that

bitch "biggie smalls"!

Hit me three times, baby.

He looks like a broke-ass...

He looks like a broke-ass...

He looks like a broke-ass...

He looks like a broke-ass...

Sexual, broke, uh,

sexual chocolate.

Is that the word?

I wish you ill, Ice T.

That's right, that's right.