Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 12 - O'Dweeds & Trading Spouses - full transcript

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

When the baby was born,

I promised Karen

I'd quit smoking,

but I didn't know how.

Well, that's when

a friend of mine

recommended "O'Dweeds".

It's the first brand

of marijuana

with no THC,

so it's like O'Doul's,

but for weed.

Now I can get

that full reefer aroma,

without any of the guilt.

[gurgling]

Shotgun, little buddy!

Aw, honey,

I think he likes it.

This reminds me

of when I was a girl

and I used to smoke grass

with all the Negro

jazz musicians.

Come on, Martha,

now, puff, puff, give.

Come on, you old bitch.

[man] O'Dweeds.

All the reefer,

none of the guilt.

[tapping]

[Jamaican accent]

I know what you're thinking,

But it's O'Dweeds, man.

Can I hit that?

Go on, take it.

Tastes like the chronic,

and yet it's not.

Wrong bag, man.

[tires screeching]

[man] Forget about your

reefer needs,

go ahead and try "O'Dweeds".

From the makers

of the Crack Patch.

[announcer] Dave Chappelle!

Hey!

What's up?

Hey, guys.

You know, uh, my wife's

little cousin, Andrew,

put me onto these

And1 Mixtapes,

you ever seen those?

It is like the hottest thing

you ever seen.

These basketball tapes

is the bomb.

They got some

of the nastiest street players

I've ever seen in my life.

Go ahead, show 'em

some of that And1.

[audience exclaiming]

Oh, that was just nasty!

Now...

as dope as that was,

the new And1 Mixtape kills it

'cause it does all sports,

not just basketball,

and it's off the hook.

Check it out,

I'm serious.

♪ It only seems like

I get everything that I want ♪

♪ I spit a lot of verbs... ♪

Oh! Oh!

No, he didn't,

no, he didn't!

[hollering]

Yo, yo, you ain't seen nothing.

Wait 'til you see him hit,

wait 'til you see him hit!

Wait 'til you see him hit!

♪ I think it's a distorted mind

But in a way fortified ♪

♪ On the borderline

With so much more to find ♪

♪ A distorted mind

But in a way fortified ♪

♪ On the borderline

With so much more to find ♪

♪ The force is mine ♪

♪ This source

is sure to shine... ♪

[laughing]

♪ Not your average human being

the flow is streaming... ♪

[cheering and hollering]

♪ Flow with the feeling,

It's so appealing... ♪

-Watch this!

- Watch him, watch him!

♪ Strictly game,

I never miss the pain ♪

♪ And though people say

I'm insane ♪

♪ Mangle the game,

Angle is to strangle the game ♪

♪ And handle the change

And stay sane and maintain... ♪

That's the baddest motherfucker

I ever seen in my life!

♪ And not to be stopwatched ♪

♪ Yo, with every ounce

of friendship ♪

♪ I support

and back the rhythm ♪

♪ And every track I give 'em,

I'm just supporting fact-ivism ♪

♪ In your face... ♪

[cheering and hollering]

♪ He jogs at beginner pace

While I win the race ♪

♪ Tip, lap a flow-flow... ♪

[crowd hollering]

♪ I'm fun and being simple,

So I had a test of decency... ♪

Oh, shit!

♪ Hit the studio and fuckin'

manifest the frequency ♪

♪ Get to truly know us ♪

♪ And you'll get to see

What we can see... ♪

[cheering and hollering]

In your face!

♪ Give me a pocket full

of cheese for these club rats ♪

♪ And a big bag of treats

For these club rats ♪

♪ Yo, fresh dressed

Like a million bucks ♪

♪ Put on my white glow

And my all-white tux ♪

♪ Smellin' like some angel ♪

♪ In case my dick get sucked ♪

♪ You know that usually happens

In the back of the truck ♪

♪ If I'm packin' you duck... ♪

[crowd cheering and hollering]

♪ My dogs all ready to bark ♪

♪ One of my nigga said

he drunk so much ♪

♪ He already about to fall... ♪

Yeah!

[cheering]

[man] Man, you the sickest

motherfucker

I ever seen in the alley, son!

Wait 'til you see him

play defense,

you ain't seen nothin', yo!

[exclaiming]

♪ Yo, stay on your knees

For these club rats ♪

♪ Don't forget the cheese

'Cause they love that ♪

♪ Give me a pocket full

of cheese for these club rats ♪

♪ And a big bag of treats

For these club rats... ♪

[chanting] Gutterballs,

Gutterballs...

[cheering and hollering]

We're gonna take

a quick commercial break, y'all,

But don't despair,

we have jokes, and jokes,

and jokes, and jokes.

I drooled on myself.

Yo, this Talib Kweli, BK, MC.

And this is Mos Def,

Pretty Flaco,

Black Dante, the Boogieman.

I don't know about y'all,

but I used to play

a lot of basketball

on the playground, growing up.

And every time I would do

something sweet or cool,

I would shout out

my favorite basketball player

'cause I felt like him,

you ever do that?

[grunting]

Jordan...

[laughing]

Well, nowadays, we know

so much about NBA players,

not only can we do that

on the basketball court,

we can do that

in our everyday lives.

And I'll show you how.

Kobe...

You're under arrest.

Rasheed Wallace.

Damon Stoudamire.

[snickering]

My point is, Stevenson,

you're gonna have to show

a little more effort

around here.

More effort, huh?

Sprewell!

[grunting]

Paul Pierce. Oh, ah.

When are you gonna come

and claim these kids?

Every pro athlete ever.

Wilt Chamberlain.

Dennis Rodman.

Oh, hell, no.

O.J.

Hey, guys.

Now, recently...

Recently, People magazine

actually said that my show

was, uh, "Sub-sophomoric

and immature."

Something like that.

I don't know why they would

say that I'm immature.

but if you think

that my show is immature,

then I would like to dedicate

this next piece

to whoever wrote

that article at People.

[tapping]

[singing]

[farts]

[farts]

♪ Oh, lord ♪

[singing]

[farts]

[farts]

♪ di-a-rrhea ♪

[vocalizing]

Diarrhea!

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

Hi, and welcome

to Trading Spouses,

The show where we take

two married couples,

and you guessed it,

make them trade spouses

for a whole month.

Watch the sparks fly today,

because for the first time

on our show,

we're going interracial.

[man] Daddy's going away

for a little while, alright?

I'm gonna live

with a white family.

Y'all be good.

What you goin' be doin'

with a white family?

It's a TV. show,

say hi to America.

Anybody try and touch

your mother,

punch him in his dick.

Look, son,

dad's going away

for a few weeks.

So, I want you to be good,

okay, squirt?

Whatever.

I love you.

Oh, Eskimo kisses.

You must be little T-Mart.

Would you like

to call me daddy, hmm?

Is it okay

if I call you Mr. Deez?

Mr. Deez?

Deez nuts!

I... I don't understand.

-What's happenin'?

-You must be Leonard.

That's right.

Can I call you daddy?

Hell no.

Only your mama

calls me daddy.

Here, mop top,

take my bag up to my room.

And if I find out you been

going through my shit,

I'm gonna beat you

in your ass, you understand?

Hmm.

Well, welcome,

it's good to have you here.

It's good to be here,

come on, girl.

Oh... Oh...

-Oh.

-Yes.

I don't smell

no dinner cooking.

Run on, make some grits.

Run on.

What you cookin'

for dinner, mister?

Oh, yeah, well, I'm glad

you asked, little buddy.

Um, this here is cauliflower.

This is corned beef hash.

And these are parsnips.

What the fuck

is a parsnip?

Leonard, just so you know,

Todd would usually

do the dishes after dinner.

Well, just so you know,

his ass will be back

April 13th.

Go on,

do your thing, girl.

Mop top...

you do your homework?

Yeah.

Well, go on upstairs

and wash your ass

and then we'll

watch Martin Lawrence.

Want me to light

your cigarette for you too?

You better check

your tone, girl,

Get your inside voice on

before I put your ass outside.

[audience member] Mahogany.

Racial profiling?

Who the fuck

is Renee "Zellwedger"?

What's wrong, sweetie?

T-Mart's been back-talking me,

and I need you

to take care of it for me.

T-Mart!

Excuse me,

I'll be right back.

Alright.

You're in big trouble, mister.

What, you gonna hit me

or something?

You're going on time-out.

For 15 minutes, okay?

-Yeah--

-Starting now, T-Mart.

Time-out!

Time-out is sweet!

Halle Berry, here I come.

[rap music playing]

[Leonard] Hey, mop top!

What the hell

you listening to?

It's the new 50 cent.

I'm from the streets, man.

G-g-g-g-g-g...g-unit.

Come on,

get in the car.

G-g-g-g-g-g... get yo' ass

in the car, go on!

Well, here you are, mop top,

home sweet home, the 'hood.

Alright, little fella,

say hello to your people for me.

And tell 'em

when you see 'em,

that Leonard Washington

is glad he made it out, go on.

Go on.

G-g-g-g-g-g...

good-bye.

And if you need money,

sell rocks,

I heard that's what

they do around here.

[tires screech]

What the hell is this?

Damn, bitch, what's this,

a lightsaber or something?

-Night-night.

-Hmm.

Do you wanna

have sex with me, Todd?

Yes, I would

like that very much.

Okay.

-[soft music playing]

-[Sharron] Oh! [chuckles]

[Todd] Uh, excuse me.

Do you mind if I turn off

this R&B music?

I kinda wanna

hear you breathing.

-Okay.

-Alright.

-[music player clicks]

-[music stops]

-[Todd] Oh.

-[Sharron] Uh...

[Sharron] Do you wanna take off

your pajama bottoms?

[Todd] Actually, I'd feel

more comfortable

if I just pulled my penis

through this hole.

I'm sorry, baby,

I don't go south of the border.

That's just one thing

that Leonard Washington

don't do.

But... But, Leonard,

it's okay, I'm waxed.

Damn!

Now, I done heard of

trimming the hedges,

but you done

scorched the earth.

[sniffing]

I smell your lightsaber.

Lightsaber?

[object buzzing]

Leonard and I

hardly even talk anymore.

The other night he came home

at three in the morning.

I had no idea

where he was.

He uses profanity

around Jeffrey.

I just don't feel

like we're sharing.

I don't feel like

there's any reciprocity there.

[Judy] How do you feel about

all this, Leonard?

Bitch, I'll never

forgive you for this.

Go on, get in the car,

warm it up.

This is good,

you can let out

whatever you feel in here,

Leonard.

Alright, I'mma tell you

right now, I ain't crazy,

I don't need no psychiatrist.

And if you ever tell anybody

I've been in here,

I'll fuckin' kill ya.

[Judy] It's confidential here,

Leonard.

I won't tell anyone,

it's just between us.

Well then, confidentially,

I am crazy,

and I'll fuckin' kill ya.

Well, it's been

a wild and crazy month.

Let's see what our interracial

families have learned.

I learned a lot from Sharron

and I learned a lot

from little T-Mart.

And quite frankly,

I'll miss them both very much.

And for the first time

in my life...

I tasted brown sugar,

and not in my oatmeal.

[chuckles]

Yeah, being on this show

taught me that,

no matter where you come from,

you know what I'm saying,

or what color your skin is,

we all pretty much

do the same things in life.

Raise our kids, make love

from time-to-time,

and wash.

Speaking of which,

I learned that white people

don't use washcloths.

Did you know that?

I'm serious, they have

one bar of soap in the house.

Every time I used it,

somebody else's pubic hair

was in it.

So I use the cloth.

Why your ass got to put

the raw bar of soap

in your butt and all this?

Maybe I need to wash my face

or my feet.

Todd and Leonard

are very different.

Although, Len is

the love of my life,

in a different world,

I could see myself with Todd.

Although,

the penis-through-the-hole thing

was kind of weird.

And I am missing

some of my drawers.

Oh! [sniffs]

Oh, my gosh!

Ho-ho! [kisses]

[licks] Titty residue.

Hello? Hello?

We're gonna take

a quick commercial break,

but don't go anywhere

'cause we're coming right back

with more Chappelle's Show,

I promise.

[laughing]

So I got a little riddle

for you.

What happens when you take

two of Brooklyn's finest MCs

and put them together

in a group?

Well, then you have

my next guests.

Make some noise, Mos Def,

Talib Kweli,

Black Star.

This is a real nigga PSA

from the Black Star embassy

in Brooklyn

entitled "What is Beef?"

♪ Yo, I was sold

to a sick European ♪

♪ By a rich African ♪

♪ Battlin' middle passages

I can't go back again ♪

♪ Battlin' years

of denied history ♪

♪ Lives were mysteries

Wise and misty eyes ♪

♪ Watchin' they niggas

Be beaten viciously ♪

♪ Battled in the wilderness

Of North America ♪

♪ Ran by the river

Only stoppin' to pray ♪

♪ Chased by predators,

Terrorists with etiquette ♪

♪ Who vote

and kill their president ♪

♪ Their capacity for evil

So evident and prevalent ♪

♪ Ain't no hesitation involved

A nation dissolved ♪

♪ While we sit back

Waitin' to evolve ♪

♪ Those who would trade

in their freedom ♪

♪ For their protection

Deserve neither ♪

♪ Fuck a name, fuck tradition,

religion, we learn Jesus ♪

♪ Turn the other cheek,

Inherit the earth ♪

♪ Just stay meek,

Fuck the way you speak ♪

♪ Try to walk,

we chop off your feet ♪

♪ Fast forward to 2003 ♪

♪ Niggas beef, the psychology ♪

♪ A trojan, a slave

That run deep, yo ♪

♪ Hell yeah, hell, yeah

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yo ♪

♪ What's beef? ♪

♪ Hell, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yo ♪

♪ That's beef ♪

♪ Hell, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's always your own people ♪

♪ Sometime it's your own people

yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hell, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yo ♪

♪ What's beef? ♪

♪ Hell, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yo ♪

♪ That's beef ♪

♪ Hell, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's always your own people,

Sometime it's your own people ♪

♪ Yo, beef is not

What Jay said to Nas ♪

♪ Beef is when workin' niggas

Can't find jobs ♪

♪ City tryin' to find niggas

to rob ♪

♪ Tryin' to find bigger guns

So they can finish the job ♪

♪ Beef is when the crack kids

Can't find moms ♪

♪ 'Cause they in a pine box

Or locked behind bars ♪

♪ Beef ain't

The summer jam for HOT 97 ♪

♪ Beef is the cocaine

And aids epidemic ♪

♪ Beef don't come

With a radio edit ♪

♪ Beef is when the Judge

is calling you defendant ♪

♪ Beef, it come with

A long jail sentence ♪

♪ Handed down to you

In a few short minutes ♪

♪ Beef is when your girl

come through for a visit ♪

♪ Talkin' about, "I'm pregnant

by some other nigga" ♪

♪ Beef is high blood pressure

And bad credit ♪

♪ Need a loan for your home

and you're too broke to get it ♪

♪ And all your little kids

Is doin' is gettin' bigger ♪

♪ You try not to raise 'em

Around these wild niggas ♪

♪ Beef is when a gold digger

Got your seed in her ♪

♪ A manicured hand out

Like "Pay me, nigga ♪

♪ Or I'm tellin' your wife ♪

♪ Or startin' up some foul rumor

That'll ruin your life" ♪

♪ Beef is when a gangsta

Ain't doin' it right ♪

♪ And other gangstas

then decided ♪

♪ What to do with his life ♪

♪ Beef is not what these famous

niggas do on the mic ♪

♪ Beef is what George Bush

Would do in a fight ♪

♪ Beef is not what

Ja said to 50 ♪

♪ Beef is Walt and Irv

Not bein' here with me ♪

♪ When a soldier ends his life

With his own gun ♪

♪ Beef is tryin' to figure out

What to tell his son ♪

♪ Beef is oil prices

and geopolitics ♪

♪ Beef is Iraq,

the West Bank and Gaza Strip ♪

♪ Some beef is big

And some beef is small ♪

♪ But what y'all call beef

Is no beef at all ♪

♪ Beef is real life,

Happenin' every day ♪

♪ And it's realer

than them songs ♪

♪ That you dated Kay Slay ♪

♪ This has been

a Black Star PSA ♪

♪ From Mos Def, Pretty Flaco,

Black Dante ♪

♪ And the Black Star embassy,

B-to-the-K ♪ ♪

[cheering and applauding]

I'd like to thank my guests,

Black Star, Mos Def

and Talib Kweli.

God bless y'all,

God bless America,

God bless the world,

'cause we're in trouble.

I'm out, I'll see you next year,

God willin'!

[cheering and applauding]

-[man] I'm rich, biatch!

-[horn honking]

[woman] Hi, thank you.

Hold still,

I'm gonna get you!

I got it,

I got it!

[both straining]

I'll rip the...

Oh, you ripped

my wig off.

That's a good bit,

we planned that.

[man] Greatest show I've ever

seen in my life.

I don't think

that this is gonna work.

You're so much older

than I am.

How old are you?

I'm 35.

I'm 27.

Damn!