Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 11 - Episode #1.11 - full transcript

Dave riffs on 50 Cent's latest album and reprises 'Turn my Headphones Up.' Skit spoofing the Make a Wish Foundation.The 'Magic Camera' skit. Musical guest De La Soul.

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

[Announcer] Dave Chappelle!


What's up, guys?

And ladies, excuse me.

Man, y'all,

my album collection

just keeps growing.

I just got that 50 Cent.


It's hot!

He got the streets on fire.

And it's them mix tapes, too,

that's how he came up,

with them mix tapes.

But you know what it is?

Now that he came out

with them mix tapes

and that DVD he had

and his album,

now everybody's trying to do it.

So, it's like,

record labels is just signing

anybody from the streets

thinking it's gonna be

the next 50 Cents.

That's ridiculous.

I got one DVD

in the mail from a...

I don't even know

who sent it to me,

but it was crazy.

Let me see this.

Yeah, it's going down,

you know how I get down.

Funkmaster Flex and be clear,

all the big dogs know

that my man Fisticuff

rules the streets.

And if you haven't heard

that joint,

"Turn My Headphones Up,"

you need to get with it,

act like you want it.

Watch out for your mind,

all this is hot.



Turn my headphones up!

I'm serious, nigga,

turn them shits up!

Turn 'em up!

Hold up...

I'm serious, nigga,

I can't hear outta this ear,

turn my headphones up.

I stabbed

a brother in the neck

with a butter knife

for Fisticuff.

Just 'cause.

It ain't goin' platinum,

it's goin' double-uranium, son.

Uranium, ya heard?

We poppin' bottles,

stabbin' people, killin' people.

Ah, yeah...

Hold up, nigga, I can't hear

out of my left headphone.

This one, nigga,

this is my left, turn it up!

Why you drop

the beat out, man?

A'ight, here I go.

You ready to rock it?

You ready to see

how we do on the streets?

alright, make that beat drop.

Nigga, I said drop,

not drumroll.

The ghetto,

it's understood what this is,

holla at ya boy!

I'm sayin', nigga,

you can't just put velvet

in the shit

and think they nice headphones!

Where's my snares?

Where's my snares?

One, two, one, two.

I'mma drop it like this,

I'mma drop it like this,

hold up, y'all.

I'mma drop it like this,

I'mma drop it like this.

Ah, hold it.

Turn my left headphone

up a little more.

[man] If you don't know

about Fisticuffs by now,

something's wrong with you.

He's got the illest

joint out right now.

He's crazy with it,

"Turn My Headphones Up."

Nigga, I'm serious, I can't

hear out of my left headphone.

Turn that shit up!

Okay, now, let that beat

ride like that.

That's right, here I come.

I'm gettin' ready to drop it,

y'all ready?

Oh, nigga,

just dropped the beat out.

Oh, here we go,

here's the real deal.

Ah... Ah!

Pump up that bass,

pump up that bass!

Pump it up, ah!

-From the...

-[music stops over headphones]

-What happened?

-[music starts over headphones]


Well, is the beat gonna stop?

His lyrics are so tight,

they don't even have to rhyme.

And the word on the street

is late night,

one night in the ghetto,

my man got shot in his ear,

like, eight times.

What? Nigga, I can't hear,

turn up my headphones!

Turn 'em up,

turn them shits up!

Put some treble in it.

Put some treble in it,

that's my word.

Alright, here we go.

Hold up, nigga,

I need some water.

My throat's dry.

Well, how the fuck

do you expect me to rhyme

if I can't talk, nigga?

I'm thirsty.

What is this,

jail, motherfucker?

Cop the album that you need,

"Turn My Headphones Up,"

it's on

"Headphone Records," baby.

There's a lot of heat

right here.

Turn 'em up.

Turn them shits up.

Not for real, nigga,

I'm sayin' on the paper,

I'm writin'!

Yo, Fisticuff, if you need

some new artistes, we down.

I'm killin' people,

we drinkin' malt,

We bangin' chicks

with no rubbers.

-Left my bling-bling at home.

-We keepin' it gangsta.


You heard, what?

You heard!



[man] Go get the biggest album

of the year, baby!

[cheering and applauding]

We're gonna take a quick

commercial break, y'all.

We'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

You heard?


[cheering and applauding]


♪ This ain't Neo soul

this is De La Soul ♪

♪ Three types of light

without the lime ♪

♪ Giving you intelligent shit

With a fourth of grime ♪

♪ Timely shit

from time after time ♪

♪ Or like that Brooklyn nigga

said, "Igger-N I'm" ♪

♪ L.I.'s finest with plug one,

two, and three ♪

♪ Nigga, Dave Chap "P"

right behind us ♪

Man, I'm bored.

I gotta go

to the Chappelle's Show.


Welcome back.

Welcome back

to Chappelle's Show.

I gotta tell you,

I'm real grateful

that I had an opportunity

to do this show.

And one of the things

it's given me an opportunity

to do is give back.

I recently joined

the Make-A-Wish foundation.

And I've had an opportunity

to meet

some extraordinary young people.

And, uh, well,

here's one of their stories.

Oh, good,

you're awake.


I have a surprise

for you, sweetie.

More applesauce?

No, this is a good one.

You know how your favorite movie

is Half Baked ?

What if I told you

Dave Chappelle is here?

-Really? Where, mommy?

-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Come on in, Dave.

[whispering] He's right here.


your mom told me you were sick,

so I figured I'd come by

and pay you a visit.

I'll leave you two alone.

Okay, thanks.

So what you got here,

some PlayStation?


Street hoops, wanna play?

I'm warning you, though,

I'm pretty good.

I don't know if I can take

losing to a little guy like you.

Come on,

it's just a game.

Alright, come on,

let's play.


-Yeah, let's go.

Alright, I'm player one,

you're player two.

Okay, I think

I've done this before.

[Dave] Oh...

Ah, 1-0, 1-0.

That's two, that's me.

Two up...

Not for long.

[Dave] Oh... Okay.

Come on, Billy.


Hooray for me!

"Hooray for me."


fine, you little bitch.

You ain't scorin'

no more, though.

Come on, ball up.

Gonna steal it, comin' down.

Billy, look at my game,

it must hurt.

Oh! Oh, in your face!

Billy, I'm sorry, man,

I'm sorry, dude.

It was good, though.

It's all me, baby.

Here it come.


Hooray for me!

Hooray for me, Billy,

in your face!

Children is our future, my ass!

I'm the future,

I'm the future.

Oh! Ah, oh!

You can't deny me, Billy!

You can't deny me,

it's too real for you!

What'd I say,

you weren't gonna score no more.

Tell your little friends

that dreams do come true.

Dave Chappelle came

and saw you in the hospital

and whupped your monkey-ass

in some Street Hoops.

You think it's my first time?

I got PlayStation,

I'm rich.

I'm rich, bitch!

Here it come,

wait... Oh!

I don't wanna play anymore.

You pick them

little sticks up, white boy,

and get to the game.

I have an agenda

and it goes like this.


Dave, I don't feel good.

Could you call

the nurse for me?

Yeah, yeah,

are you alright?

Hold... Hold on.

Nurse, could you come in here,

please, quickly?

Billy is getting

his ass whupped

on Street Hoops,

I need a witness.

Ah! Oh, dah!

It's so good.

-[monitor flat-lining]

-Billy, it's so good.



Oh, my god, Billy.


Billy, don't you die on me,

don't you die on me!


[steady beeping on monitor]



You alright, man?


You okay,

-you alright?


Here, grab your sticks,

come on, let's go.

Let's go, I'm whuppin'

that ass now, almost done.

I'm almost done.


in your face!

Oh, Billy, I shoulda

left you dead, baby,

'cause that, that was a killer.

Dave, can't you see

I'm dying of cancer?

Look, Billy...

I'm sorry, man.

Look, I wasn't trying

to make you feel bad,

I just... I'm just trying

to teach you a lesson.

You can beat cancer

but if you wanna beat it,

you gotta be tough, okay?

And I see it in you, Billy,

you're gonna make it.


Hell no, nigga,

you play like a bitch!

Hold up. Game!

In your face,

in your face, Billy!

Feel better.

Half Baked sucked, anyway.

We're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back with more

Chappelle's Show. [chuckles]

Oh, that kid is fine,

come on, he was acting.

No, you know when we thought

of that sketch,

we was on the tour bus

playing a basketball game

and that shit get so emotional,

and I said, "If I was dying

of cancer, nigga,

you would still

not let me win at it."

Then I said, "Hey..."


Ha-ha, go ahead!

Good afternoon, young man,

can I help you?

Yeah, I was trying

to buy a gremlin?



I'm just playin' with you.

Actually, I'm answering

your ad in the paper.

Ah, yes, the ca-me-ra.

The ca-me-ra.

Ah, here it is.

How much did I say it was?

Well, your ad says $300.

Ah, for you,

I give it to you for 100.

Why, what's wrong with it?

It has special powers.

It will show you things

some would pay not to see.

Oh, snap,

it gets Comic View ?

It will reveal

the inner hearts of mankind.

If you press this button,

it will reveal their true self.

If you flip that switch,

it will record

their innermost thoughts.

Flip it one more time,

and you can see the last person

they had sex with.

And with this last switch,

it will show you

where they will be in ten years.

Damn, man, Sony ain't playin',

let me see that.


You must buy it as is

and once you purchase it,

You may never return

to this store again.

Hold on, let me just think about

that for a second, please.

[camera beeps]

[Dave] What kind of policy

is this?

I can't come back in? Fine.

You can't come outside

'cause if it don't work,

I'mma be out there

and whup your monkey-ass.

Kick my ass, huh?

Camera works, $100.

One hundred.

Can I get a receipt?

[chuckles] I'm just playin'.

Alright, man.

Thank you, good luck.

Good luck?


-Hey, what's up, Dave?

-Alright, dude, what's up, man?

-How you doin'?

Man, I'm just messin'

-with this camera.

-Oh, yeah?

-You mind if I, uh?


Alright, cool, man.

-What up, Carson Daly?

-[camera beeps]

What's up, Dave?

[cheering and applauding]

Hey, folks,

we're on in 2013.

TRL, Carson Daly.

Will you little fuckers shut up?

How excited can you really be

for a video you've seen

fifty-eight times in a row?




Alright, man,

good to see ya.

Alright, you too,

man, take care.

-See you later.

-Hey, save your money, dude.


[camera beeps]

[man] Man, I look like

that 7Up guy.

Them white girls

gonna come flockin'.


[woman] I've been waiting

out here for 45 minutes.

Oh, I knew I should have brought

a prettier friend.

God, get surgery, bitch,

you're so ugly.

[man 1] Whoa,

I think this ecstasy

is starting to kick in.

Am I freaking out?

No... Yeah.

Man, this bitch next

to me needs surgery.

What's your name, big man?

-Oh, uh...

-[camera beeps]

I said, what's your name,

big man?

Uh, Dave Chappelle, I'm here

for Ann's birthday party.

Also, I have a show

on Comedy Central,

Wednesdays, 10:30.

[upbeat music]

[man] Yo, Dave,

-what's up, man?

-Hey, hey.

Thanks for coming

to my girl's birthday party.

And you brought your camera,

that's perfect!

I want you

to tape something, alright?


Excuse me, everybody.

If I could have

your attention.

Ann, I have loved you

from the moment

that I met you.

Baby, will you marry me?


-Oh, pumpkin!

[camera beeps]

Dave, I want you to meet

my co-worker, Mike.

Yo, what's up, son...


you a funny dude, man,

you funny.

Look, I'm gonna

be right back.

I'm going to the dance floor.

Let's dance.

[camera beeps]

[Mike] Don't you want me, son?

[man] And one and two,

and one and two.

Resume, look cool,

and make my face

look na-tur-al.

Hey, you know what, y'all?

I'm gonna just...

I'm gonna get some rest.

Good night.

Congratulations, uh...

Charlie's girlfriend.

[Dave] Man, I don't know

if I should mess

with this camera thing.

I should just turn

this thing off

and masturbate on the internet

like I planned to.

No, no, fuck it,

I'mma go through with this.

I gotta be a man,

I'mma go through with this.

[camera beeps]

[Dave] Hey, hey...

Hey, man.

[camera beeps]

Would you like

some more pickles?

I gotta stop drinking.


[camera beeps]

How excited can you really be

for a video you've seen

fifty-eight times in a row?


What do you want?

I just want to make

a Total Request Live

from my man, Justin Timberlake.

Justin, it's me, Dave Chappelle.

Star Search, 1992,

I was with you, man,

I was with you.

"Champion Dave Chappelle

receives 3 1/4 stars,"

remember that, Ed McMahon?

God rest his soul, I'm out.



Fuck this camera!

[glass shattering]

Oh, oh...

Oh, a camera!


What these buttons do?

[camera beeps]

[Tyrone] I want some crack.

[cheering and applauding]

Alright, we're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

but don't go nowhere,

'cause we got

jokes and jokes and jokes.

Be right back.

Going to

the Dave Chappelle show.

How's this?



Folks, this next

musical act

is, like, good friends of mine.

One of my favorite groups

ever in hip-hop history.

Please make some noise

for my brothers, De La Soul.

♪ H-h-here we go again ♪

♪ Go again, go again, go again ♪

♪ Yo, it's been instilled in me

Since in-fin-ite, y'all ♪

♪ Usin' these minutes

Like I value the call ♪

♪ Put your money in the bank ♪

♪ And hold rank over friends ♪

♪ Who ain't got

leadership skills ♪

♪ I got the sheep in my eye

So I can't sleep ♪

♪ We like to land and lay

The Brando way ♪

♪ Grand operate the scandal way,

El la shikes ♪

♪ I play the Xbox

Instead of fucking with dice ♪

♪ I hate losin' to those

Who walk away with my dough ♪

♪ 'Cause I dozed ♪

♪ Tracey broke me ♪

♪ And now she wanna see

The resident provokin' me ♪

♪ To pop wheelies on my bicycle

Watch her eyes twinkle ♪

♪ One house,

Two houses, third house ♪

♪ House rules,

So house take the bank ♪

♪ Watch Dave bank ♪

♪ Batter had him on the hawk

Since Atlanta extravaganza ♪

♪ Gamma ray rapper

Make the Hulk snap ♪

♪ Jump back like James Brown,

hey now ♪

♪ Hey, now ♪

♪ When the liquor over,

we smokin' the ♪

♪ Hey, now ♪

♪ Delegate numero dos,

I holler out to Sal and Los ♪

♪ And keep the island

close to me ♪

♪ And Dave Chappelle, the host,

You see, yo ♪

♪ Much more is what we got ♪

♪ Much more ♪

♪ Just believe me ♪

♪ Than they could ever see ♪

♪ Much more than they could see

Is how it'll always be ♪

♪ Believe me ♪

♪ Ya gotta believe me ♪

♪ I got verb, skills, babies,

and bills ♪

♪ Your brother

who smoked crills ♪

♪ Is still tryin' to get himself

together from it ♪

♪ No one can quite run it

like me ♪

♪ I'm on the cutting edge

Of what's alleged to be hot ♪

♪ And when you rock,

It's just impersonations of me ♪

♪ The rightest MC ♪

♪ MP with the "V"

in the middle ♪

♪ I belittle your plan

courtesy ♪

♪ Of the N-Y dirty "C," my man ♪

♪ My base of fans

Is made up of many ♪

♪ We gets allergic to belts ♪

♪ Lettin' their mind melt

From drinkin' the Henny ♪

♪ And my straightened-out types

Who be waitin' to hear ♪

♪ Them drums say

the revolution is near ♪

♪ Are you listening? ♪

♪ Are your eardrums

Open for christening? ♪

♪ We got by the MCs

with these tools ♪

♪ While some others play God ♪

♪ They just goddamn fools

with it ♪

♪ I don't cut mics,

I rough mics up ♪

♪ Rough and rugged,

Yet the girls still love it ♪

♪ Still in all,

Five-O came to my mic check ♪

♪ Tellin' me I left lacerations

Around my mic's neck ♪

♪ Domestically disputed

And you just might get ♪

♪ The undisputed, underdog

Serving y'all threat ♪

♪ Much more is

what we got in store... ♪

Much more.

♪ It's much more

Than they could ever see ♪

Folks, I'd like to thank

my guest, De La Soul.

I'd like to thank

each and every one of you

for being here with me tonight.

And I'd like to thank you

at home for watching.

God bless y'all, I'm out.

[cheering and applauding]

-[Dave] I'm rich, biatch!

-[horn honking]

[woman] Hi, thank you.

[hip-hop music]

It's Fisticuffs.

This is Fisticuffs,

2003, bitch!

Turn 'em up!

Turn your

motherfuckin' stereo up, what?

Turn it up, I'm serious!

You not gonna hear

the intricacies of the beat

if the volume's so low,

turn it up!

And that, nigga,

that's how you

make a hit, bitch!

I am the man!

That's right,

turn 'em up!