Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 11 - Episode #1.11 - full transcript
Dave riffs on 50 Cent's latest album and reprises 'Turn my Headphones Up.' Skit spoofing the Make a Wish Foundation.The 'Magic Camera' skit. Musical guest De La Soul.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[Announcer] Dave Chappelle!
Man.
What's up, guys?
And ladies, excuse me.
Man, y'all,
my album collection
just keeps growing.
I just got that 50 Cent.
Damn!
It's hot!
He got the streets on fire.
And it's them mix tapes, too,
that's how he came up,
with them mix tapes.
But you know what it is?
Now that he came out
with them mix tapes
and that DVD he had
and his album,
now everybody's trying to do it.
So, it's like,
record labels is just signing
anybody from the streets
thinking it's gonna be
the next 50 Cents.
That's ridiculous.
I got one DVD
in the mail from a...
I don't even know
who sent it to me,
but it was crazy.
Let me see this.
Yeah, it's going down,
you know how I get down.
Funkmaster Flex and be clear,
all the big dogs know
that my man Fisticuff
rules the streets.
And if you haven't heard
that joint,
"Turn My Headphones Up,"
you need to get with it,
act like you want it.
Watch out for your mind,
all this is hot.
What!
Ah!
Turn my headphones up!
I'm serious, nigga,
turn them shits up!
Turn 'em up!
Hold up...
I'm serious, nigga,
I can't hear outta this ear,
turn my headphones up.
I stabbed
a brother in the neck
with a butter knife
for Fisticuff.
Just 'cause.
It ain't goin' platinum,
it's goin' double-uranium, son.
Uranium, ya heard?
We poppin' bottles,
stabbin' people, killin' people.
Ah, yeah...
Hold up, nigga, I can't hear
out of my left headphone.
This one, nigga,
this is my left, turn it up!
Why you drop
the beat out, man?
A'ight, here I go.
You ready to rock it?
You ready to see
how we do on the streets?
alright, make that beat drop.
Nigga, I said drop,
not drumroll.
The ghetto,
it's understood what this is,
holla at ya boy!
I'm sayin', nigga,
you can't just put velvet
in the shit
and think they nice headphones!
Where's my snares?
Where's my snares?
One, two, one, two.
I'mma drop it like this,
I'mma drop it like this,
hold up, y'all.
I'mma drop it like this,
I'mma drop it like this.
Ah, hold it.
Turn my left headphone
up a little more.
[man] If you don't know
about Fisticuffs by now,
something's wrong with you.
He's got the illest
joint out right now.
He's crazy with it,
"Turn My Headphones Up."
Nigga, I'm serious, I can't
hear out of my left headphone.
Turn that shit up!
Okay, now, let that beat
ride like that.
That's right, here I come.
I'm gettin' ready to drop it,
y'all ready?
Oh, nigga,
just dropped the beat out.
Oh, here we go,
here's the real deal.
Ah... Ah!
Pump up that bass,
pump up that bass!
Pump it up, ah!
-From the...
-[music stops over headphones]
-What happened?
-[music starts over headphones]
Oh...
Well, is the beat gonna stop?
His lyrics are so tight,
they don't even have to rhyme.
And the word on the street
is late night,
one night in the ghetto,
my man got shot in his ear,
like, eight times.
What? Nigga, I can't hear,
turn up my headphones!
Turn 'em up,
turn them shits up!
Put some treble in it.
Put some treble in it,
that's my word.
Alright, here we go.
Hold up, nigga,
I need some water.
My throat's dry.
Well, how the fuck
do you expect me to rhyme
if I can't talk, nigga?
I'm thirsty.
What is this,
jail, motherfucker?
Cop the album that you need,
"Turn My Headphones Up,"
it's on
"Headphone Records," baby.
There's a lot of heat
right here.
Turn 'em up.
Turn them shits up.
Not for real, nigga,
I'm sayin' on the paper,
I'm writin'!
Yo, Fisticuff, if you need
some new artistes, we down.
I'm killin' people,
we drinkin' malt,
We bangin' chicks
with no rubbers.
-Left my bling-bling at home.
-We keepin' it gangsta.
Fisticuffs!
You heard, what?
You heard!
What?
What?
[man] Go get the biggest album
of the year, baby!
[cheering and applauding]
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
You heard?
What?
[cheering and applauding]
What?
♪ This ain't Neo soul
this is De La Soul ♪
♪ Three types of light
without the lime ♪
♪ Giving you intelligent shit
With a fourth of grime ♪
♪ Timely shit
from time after time ♪
♪ Or like that Brooklyn nigga
said, "Igger-N I'm" ♪
♪ L.I.'s finest with plug one,
two, and three ♪
♪ Nigga, Dave Chap "P"
right behind us ♪
Man, I'm bored.
I gotta go
to the Chappelle's Show.
Hey.
Welcome back.
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
I gotta tell you,
I'm real grateful
that I had an opportunity
to do this show.
And one of the things
it's given me an opportunity
to do is give back.
I recently joined
the Make-A-Wish foundation.
And I've had an opportunity
to meet
some extraordinary young people.
And, uh, well,
here's one of their stories.
Oh, good,
you're awake.
Yeah.
I have a surprise
for you, sweetie.
More applesauce?
No, this is a good one.
You know how your favorite movie
is Half Baked ?
What if I told you
Dave Chappelle is here?
-Really? Where, mommy?
-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Come on in, Dave.
[whispering] He's right here.
Hey,
your mom told me you were sick,
so I figured I'd come by
and pay you a visit.
I'll leave you two alone.
Okay, thanks.
So what you got here,
some PlayStation?
[Billy]
Street hoops, wanna play?
I'm warning you, though,
I'm pretty good.
I don't know if I can take
losing to a little guy like you.
Come on,
it's just a game.
Alright, come on,
let's play.
-Really?
-Yeah, let's go.
Alright, I'm player one,
you're player two.
Okay, I think
I've done this before.
[Dave] Oh...
Ah, 1-0, 1-0.
That's two, that's me.
Two up...
Not for long.
[Dave] Oh... Okay.
Come on, Billy.
Damn!
Hooray for me!
"Hooray for me."
Alright,
fine, you little bitch.
You ain't scorin'
no more, though.
Come on, ball up.
Gonna steal it, comin' down.
Billy, look at my game,
it must hurt.
Oh! Oh, in your face!
Billy, I'm sorry, man,
I'm sorry, dude.
It was good, though.
It's all me, baby.
Here it come.
A-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga!
Hooray for me!
Hooray for me, Billy,
in your face!
Children is our future, my ass!
I'm the future,
I'm the future.
Oh! Ah, oh!
You can't deny me, Billy!
You can't deny me,
it's too real for you!
What'd I say,
you weren't gonna score no more.
Tell your little friends
that dreams do come true.
Dave Chappelle came
and saw you in the hospital
and whupped your monkey-ass
in some Street Hoops.
You think it's my first time?
I got PlayStation,
I'm rich.
I'm rich, bitch!
Here it come,
wait... Oh!
I don't wanna play anymore.
You pick them
little sticks up, white boy,
and get to the game.
I have an agenda
and it goes like this.
Oh!
Dave, I don't feel good.
Could you call
the nurse for me?
Yeah, yeah,
are you alright?
Hold... Hold on.
Nurse, could you come in here,
please, quickly?
Billy is getting
his ass whupped
on Street Hoops,
I need a witness.
Ah! Oh, dah!
It's so good.
-[monitor flat-lining]
-Billy, it's so good.
Billy?
Billy?
Oh, my god, Billy.
Nurse!
Billy, don't you die on me,
don't you die on me!
Clear!
[steady beeping on monitor]
Billy?
Billy?
You alright, man?
Huh?
You okay,
-you alright?
-[groaning]
Here, grab your sticks,
come on, let's go.
Let's go, I'm whuppin'
that ass now, almost done.
I'm almost done.
A-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga,
in your face!
Oh, Billy, I shoulda
left you dead, baby,
'cause that, that was a killer.
Dave, can't you see
I'm dying of cancer?
Look, Billy...
I'm sorry, man.
Look, I wasn't trying
to make you feel bad,
I just... I'm just trying
to teach you a lesson.
You can beat cancer
but if you wanna beat it,
you gotta be tough, okay?
And I see it in you, Billy,
you're gonna make it.
Really?
Hell no, nigga,
you play like a bitch!
Hold up. Game!
In your face,
in your face, Billy!
Feel better.
Half Baked sucked, anyway.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back with more
Chappelle's Show. [chuckles]
Oh, that kid is fine,
come on, he was acting.
No, you know when we thought
of that sketch,
we was on the tour bus
playing a basketball game
and that shit get so emotional,
and I said, "If I was dying
of cancer, nigga,
you would still
not let me win at it."
Then I said, "Hey..."
[laughing]
Ha-ha, go ahead!
Good afternoon, young man,
can I help you?
Yeah, I was trying
to buy a gremlin?
-Eh?
-[chuckling]
I'm just playin' with you.
Actually, I'm answering
your ad in the paper.
Ah, yes, the ca-me-ra.
The ca-me-ra.
Ah, here it is.
How much did I say it was?
Well, your ad says $300.
Ah, for you,
I give it to you for 100.
Why, what's wrong with it?
It has special powers.
It will show you things
some would pay not to see.
Oh, snap,
it gets Comic View ?
It will reveal
the inner hearts of mankind.
If you press this button,
it will reveal their true self.
If you flip that switch,
it will record
their innermost thoughts.
Flip it one more time,
and you can see the last person
they had sex with.
And with this last switch,
it will show you
where they will be in ten years.
Damn, man, Sony ain't playin',
let me see that.
No!
You must buy it as is
and once you purchase it,
You may never return
to this store again.
Hold on, let me just think about
that for a second, please.
[camera beeps]
[Dave] What kind of policy
is this?
I can't come back in? Fine.
You can't come outside
'cause if it don't work,
I'mma be out there
and whup your monkey-ass.
Kick my ass, huh?
Camera works, $100.
One hundred.
Can I get a receipt?
[chuckles] I'm just playin'.
Alright, man.
Thank you, good luck.
Good luck?
-Hey!
-Hey, what's up, Dave?
-Alright, dude, what's up, man?
-How you doin'?
Man, I'm just messin'
-with this camera.
-Oh, yeah?
-You mind if I, uh?
-Nah.
Alright, cool, man.
-What up, Carson Daly?
-[camera beeps]
What's up, Dave?
[cheering and applauding]
Hey, folks,
we're on in 2013.
TRL, Carson Daly.
Will you little fuckers shut up?
How excited can you really be
for a video you've seen
fifty-eight times in a row?
Fuck!
-Alright?
-Yeah.
Alright, man,
good to see ya.
Alright, you too,
man, take care.
-See you later.
-Hey, save your money, dude.
Alright.
[camera beeps]
[man] Man, I look like
that 7Up guy.
Them white girls
gonna come flockin'.
Damn!
[woman] I've been waiting
out here for 45 minutes.
Oh, I knew I should have brought
a prettier friend.
God, get surgery, bitch,
you're so ugly.
[man 1] Whoa,
I think this ecstasy
is starting to kick in.
Am I freaking out?
No... Yeah.
Man, this bitch next
to me needs surgery.
What's your name, big man?
-Oh, uh...
-[camera beeps]
I said, what's your name,
big man?
Uh, Dave Chappelle, I'm here
for Ann's birthday party.
Also, I have a show
on Comedy Central,
Wednesdays, 10:30.
[upbeat music]
[man] Yo, Dave,
-what's up, man?
-Hey, hey.
Thanks for coming
to my girl's birthday party.
And you brought your camera,
that's perfect!
I want you
to tape something, alright?
Yeah.
Excuse me, everybody.
If I could have
your attention.
Ann, I have loved you
from the moment
that I met you.
Baby, will you marry me?
-Yes!
-Oh, pumpkin!
[camera beeps]
Dave, I want you to meet
my co-worker, Mike.
Yo, what's up, son...
Yo,
you a funny dude, man,
you funny.
Look, I'm gonna
be right back.
I'm going to the dance floor.
Let's dance.
[camera beeps]
[Mike] Don't you want me, son?
[man] And one and two,
and one and two.
Resume, look cool,
and make my face
look na-tur-al.
Hey, you know what, y'all?
I'm gonna just...
I'm gonna get some rest.
Good night.
Congratulations, uh...
Charlie's girlfriend.
[Dave] Man, I don't know
if I should mess
with this camera thing.
I should just turn
this thing off
and masturbate on the internet
like I planned to.
No, no, fuck it,
I'mma go through with this.
I gotta be a man,
I'mma go through with this.
[camera beeps]
[Dave] Hey, hey...
Hey, man.
[camera beeps]
Would you like
some more pickles?
I gotta stop drinking.
Oh!
[camera beeps]
How excited can you really be
for a video you've seen
fifty-eight times in a row?
Fuck!
What do you want?
I just want to make
a Total Request Live
from my man, Justin Timberlake.
Justin, it's me, Dave Chappelle.
Star Search, 1992,
I was with you, man,
I was with you.
"Champion Dave Chappelle
receives 3 1/4 stars,"
remember that, Ed McMahon?
God rest his soul, I'm out.
[screams]
Oh!
Fuck this camera!
[glass shattering]
Oh, oh...
Oh, a camera!
Ooh-wee!
What these buttons do?
[camera beeps]
[Tyrone] I want some crack.
[cheering and applauding]
Alright, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
but don't go nowhere,
'cause we got
jokes and jokes and jokes.
Be right back.
Going to
the Dave Chappelle show.
How's this?
Ho!
Hey.
Folks, this next
musical act
is, like, good friends of mine.
One of my favorite groups
ever in hip-hop history.
Please make some noise
for my brothers, De La Soul.
♪ H-h-here we go again ♪
♪ Go again, go again, go again ♪
♪ Yo, it's been instilled in me
Since in-fin-ite, y'all ♪
♪ Usin' these minutes
Like I value the call ♪
♪ Put your money in the bank ♪
♪ And hold rank over friends ♪
♪ Who ain't got
leadership skills ♪
♪ I got the sheep in my eye
So I can't sleep ♪
♪ We like to land and lay
The Brando way ♪
♪ Grand operate the scandal way,
El la shikes ♪
♪ I play the Xbox
Instead of fucking with dice ♪
♪ I hate losin' to those
Who walk away with my dough ♪
♪ 'Cause I dozed ♪
♪ Tracey broke me ♪
♪ And now she wanna see
The resident provokin' me ♪
♪ To pop wheelies on my bicycle
Watch her eyes twinkle ♪
♪ One house,
Two houses, third house ♪
♪ House rules,
So house take the bank ♪
♪ Watch Dave bank ♪
♪ Batter had him on the hawk
Since Atlanta extravaganza ♪
♪ Gamma ray rapper
Make the Hulk snap ♪
♪ Jump back like James Brown,
hey now ♪
♪ Hey, now ♪
♪ When the liquor over,
we smokin' the ♪
♪ Hey, now ♪
♪ Delegate numero dos,
I holler out to Sal and Los ♪
♪ And keep the island
close to me ♪
♪ And Dave Chappelle, the host,
You see, yo ♪
♪ Much more is what we got ♪
♪ Much more ♪
♪ Just believe me ♪
♪ Than they could ever see ♪
♪ Much more than they could see
Is how it'll always be ♪
♪ Believe me ♪
♪ Ya gotta believe me ♪
♪ I got verb, skills, babies,
and bills ♪
♪ Your brother
who smoked crills ♪
♪ Is still tryin' to get himself
together from it ♪
♪ No one can quite run it
like me ♪
♪ I'm on the cutting edge
Of what's alleged to be hot ♪
♪ And when you rock,
It's just impersonations of me ♪
♪ The rightest MC ♪
♪ MP with the "V"
in the middle ♪
♪ I belittle your plan
courtesy ♪
♪ Of the N-Y dirty "C," my man ♪
♪ My base of fans
Is made up of many ♪
♪ We gets allergic to belts ♪
♪ Lettin' their mind melt
From drinkin' the Henny ♪
♪ And my straightened-out types
Who be waitin' to hear ♪
♪ Them drums say
the revolution is near ♪
♪ Are you listening? ♪
♪ Are your eardrums
Open for christening? ♪
♪ We got by the MCs
with these tools ♪
♪ While some others play God ♪
♪ They just goddamn fools
with it ♪
♪ I don't cut mics,
I rough mics up ♪
♪ Rough and rugged,
Yet the girls still love it ♪
♪ Still in all,
Five-O came to my mic check ♪
♪ Tellin' me I left lacerations
Around my mic's neck ♪
♪ Domestically disputed
And you just might get ♪
♪ The undisputed, underdog
Serving y'all threat ♪
♪ Much more is
what we got in store... ♪
Much more.
♪ It's much more
Than they could ever see ♪
Folks, I'd like to thank
my guest, De La Soul.
I'd like to thank
each and every one of you
for being here with me tonight.
And I'd like to thank you
at home for watching.
God bless y'all, I'm out.
[cheering and applauding]
-[Dave] I'm rich, biatch!
-[horn honking]
[woman] Hi, thank you.
[hip-hop music]
It's Fisticuffs.
This is Fisticuffs,
2003, bitch!
Turn 'em up!
Turn your
motherfuckin' stereo up, what?
Turn it up, I'm serious!
You not gonna hear
the intricacies of the beat
if the volume's so low,
turn it up!
And that, nigga,
that's how you
make a hit, bitch!
I am the man!
That's right,
turn 'em up!
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[Announcer] Dave Chappelle!
Man.
What's up, guys?
And ladies, excuse me.
Man, y'all,
my album collection
just keeps growing.
I just got that 50 Cent.
Damn!
It's hot!
He got the streets on fire.
And it's them mix tapes, too,
that's how he came up,
with them mix tapes.
But you know what it is?
Now that he came out
with them mix tapes
and that DVD he had
and his album,
now everybody's trying to do it.
So, it's like,
record labels is just signing
anybody from the streets
thinking it's gonna be
the next 50 Cents.
That's ridiculous.
I got one DVD
in the mail from a...
I don't even know
who sent it to me,
but it was crazy.
Let me see this.
Yeah, it's going down,
you know how I get down.
Funkmaster Flex and be clear,
all the big dogs know
that my man Fisticuff
rules the streets.
And if you haven't heard
that joint,
"Turn My Headphones Up,"
you need to get with it,
act like you want it.
Watch out for your mind,
all this is hot.
What!
Ah!
Turn my headphones up!
I'm serious, nigga,
turn them shits up!
Turn 'em up!
Hold up...
I'm serious, nigga,
I can't hear outta this ear,
turn my headphones up.
I stabbed
a brother in the neck
with a butter knife
for Fisticuff.
Just 'cause.
It ain't goin' platinum,
it's goin' double-uranium, son.
Uranium, ya heard?
We poppin' bottles,
stabbin' people, killin' people.
Ah, yeah...
Hold up, nigga, I can't hear
out of my left headphone.
This one, nigga,
this is my left, turn it up!
Why you drop
the beat out, man?
A'ight, here I go.
You ready to rock it?
You ready to see
how we do on the streets?
alright, make that beat drop.
Nigga, I said drop,
not drumroll.
The ghetto,
it's understood what this is,
holla at ya boy!
I'm sayin', nigga,
you can't just put velvet
in the shit
and think they nice headphones!
Where's my snares?
Where's my snares?
One, two, one, two.
I'mma drop it like this,
I'mma drop it like this,
hold up, y'all.
I'mma drop it like this,
I'mma drop it like this.
Ah, hold it.
Turn my left headphone
up a little more.
[man] If you don't know
about Fisticuffs by now,
something's wrong with you.
He's got the illest
joint out right now.
He's crazy with it,
"Turn My Headphones Up."
Nigga, I'm serious, I can't
hear out of my left headphone.
Turn that shit up!
Okay, now, let that beat
ride like that.
That's right, here I come.
I'm gettin' ready to drop it,
y'all ready?
Oh, nigga,
just dropped the beat out.
Oh, here we go,
here's the real deal.
Ah... Ah!
Pump up that bass,
pump up that bass!
Pump it up, ah!
-From the...
-[music stops over headphones]
-What happened?
-[music starts over headphones]
Oh...
Well, is the beat gonna stop?
His lyrics are so tight,
they don't even have to rhyme.
And the word on the street
is late night,
one night in the ghetto,
my man got shot in his ear,
like, eight times.
What? Nigga, I can't hear,
turn up my headphones!
Turn 'em up,
turn them shits up!
Put some treble in it.
Put some treble in it,
that's my word.
Alright, here we go.
Hold up, nigga,
I need some water.
My throat's dry.
Well, how the fuck
do you expect me to rhyme
if I can't talk, nigga?
I'm thirsty.
What is this,
jail, motherfucker?
Cop the album that you need,
"Turn My Headphones Up,"
it's on
"Headphone Records," baby.
There's a lot of heat
right here.
Turn 'em up.
Turn them shits up.
Not for real, nigga,
I'm sayin' on the paper,
I'm writin'!
Yo, Fisticuff, if you need
some new artistes, we down.
I'm killin' people,
we drinkin' malt,
We bangin' chicks
with no rubbers.
-Left my bling-bling at home.
-We keepin' it gangsta.
Fisticuffs!
You heard, what?
You heard!
What?
What?
[man] Go get the biggest album
of the year, baby!
[cheering and applauding]
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
You heard?
What?
[cheering and applauding]
What?
♪ This ain't Neo soul
this is De La Soul ♪
♪ Three types of light
without the lime ♪
♪ Giving you intelligent shit
With a fourth of grime ♪
♪ Timely shit
from time after time ♪
♪ Or like that Brooklyn nigga
said, "Igger-N I'm" ♪
♪ L.I.'s finest with plug one,
two, and three ♪
♪ Nigga, Dave Chap "P"
right behind us ♪
Man, I'm bored.
I gotta go
to the Chappelle's Show.
Hey.
Welcome back.
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
I gotta tell you,
I'm real grateful
that I had an opportunity
to do this show.
And one of the things
it's given me an opportunity
to do is give back.
I recently joined
the Make-A-Wish foundation.
And I've had an opportunity
to meet
some extraordinary young people.
And, uh, well,
here's one of their stories.
Oh, good,
you're awake.
Yeah.
I have a surprise
for you, sweetie.
More applesauce?
No, this is a good one.
You know how your favorite movie
is Half Baked ?
What if I told you
Dave Chappelle is here?
-Really? Where, mommy?
-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Come on in, Dave.
[whispering] He's right here.
Hey,
your mom told me you were sick,
so I figured I'd come by
and pay you a visit.
I'll leave you two alone.
Okay, thanks.
So what you got here,
some PlayStation?
[Billy]
Street hoops, wanna play?
I'm warning you, though,
I'm pretty good.
I don't know if I can take
losing to a little guy like you.
Come on,
it's just a game.
Alright, come on,
let's play.
-Really?
-Yeah, let's go.
Alright, I'm player one,
you're player two.
Okay, I think
I've done this before.
[Dave] Oh...
Ah, 1-0, 1-0.
That's two, that's me.
Two up...
Not for long.
[Dave] Oh... Okay.
Come on, Billy.
Damn!
Hooray for me!
"Hooray for me."
Alright,
fine, you little bitch.
You ain't scorin'
no more, though.
Come on, ball up.
Gonna steal it, comin' down.
Billy, look at my game,
it must hurt.
Oh! Oh, in your face!
Billy, I'm sorry, man,
I'm sorry, dude.
It was good, though.
It's all me, baby.
Here it come.
A-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga!
Hooray for me!
Hooray for me, Billy,
in your face!
Children is our future, my ass!
I'm the future,
I'm the future.
Oh! Ah, oh!
You can't deny me, Billy!
You can't deny me,
it's too real for you!
What'd I say,
you weren't gonna score no more.
Tell your little friends
that dreams do come true.
Dave Chappelle came
and saw you in the hospital
and whupped your monkey-ass
in some Street Hoops.
You think it's my first time?
I got PlayStation,
I'm rich.
I'm rich, bitch!
Here it come,
wait... Oh!
I don't wanna play anymore.
You pick them
little sticks up, white boy,
and get to the game.
I have an agenda
and it goes like this.
Oh!
Dave, I don't feel good.
Could you call
the nurse for me?
Yeah, yeah,
are you alright?
Hold... Hold on.
Nurse, could you come in here,
please, quickly?
Billy is getting
his ass whupped
on Street Hoops,
I need a witness.
Ah! Oh, dah!
It's so good.
-[monitor flat-lining]
-Billy, it's so good.
Billy?
Billy?
Oh, my god, Billy.
Nurse!
Billy, don't you die on me,
don't you die on me!
Clear!
[steady beeping on monitor]
Billy?
Billy?
You alright, man?
Huh?
You okay,
-you alright?
-[groaning]
Here, grab your sticks,
come on, let's go.
Let's go, I'm whuppin'
that ass now, almost done.
I'm almost done.
A-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga,
in your face!
Oh, Billy, I shoulda
left you dead, baby,
'cause that, that was a killer.
Dave, can't you see
I'm dying of cancer?
Look, Billy...
I'm sorry, man.
Look, I wasn't trying
to make you feel bad,
I just... I'm just trying
to teach you a lesson.
You can beat cancer
but if you wanna beat it,
you gotta be tough, okay?
And I see it in you, Billy,
you're gonna make it.
Really?
Hell no, nigga,
you play like a bitch!
Hold up. Game!
In your face,
in your face, Billy!
Feel better.
Half Baked sucked, anyway.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back with more
Chappelle's Show. [chuckles]
Oh, that kid is fine,
come on, he was acting.
No, you know when we thought
of that sketch,
we was on the tour bus
playing a basketball game
and that shit get so emotional,
and I said, "If I was dying
of cancer, nigga,
you would still
not let me win at it."
Then I said, "Hey..."
[laughing]
Ha-ha, go ahead!
Good afternoon, young man,
can I help you?
Yeah, I was trying
to buy a gremlin?
-Eh?
-[chuckling]
I'm just playin' with you.
Actually, I'm answering
your ad in the paper.
Ah, yes, the ca-me-ra.
The ca-me-ra.
Ah, here it is.
How much did I say it was?
Well, your ad says $300.
Ah, for you,
I give it to you for 100.
Why, what's wrong with it?
It has special powers.
It will show you things
some would pay not to see.
Oh, snap,
it gets Comic View ?
It will reveal
the inner hearts of mankind.
If you press this button,
it will reveal their true self.
If you flip that switch,
it will record
their innermost thoughts.
Flip it one more time,
and you can see the last person
they had sex with.
And with this last switch,
it will show you
where they will be in ten years.
Damn, man, Sony ain't playin',
let me see that.
No!
You must buy it as is
and once you purchase it,
You may never return
to this store again.
Hold on, let me just think about
that for a second, please.
[camera beeps]
[Dave] What kind of policy
is this?
I can't come back in? Fine.
You can't come outside
'cause if it don't work,
I'mma be out there
and whup your monkey-ass.
Kick my ass, huh?
Camera works, $100.
One hundred.
Can I get a receipt?
[chuckles] I'm just playin'.
Alright, man.
Thank you, good luck.
Good luck?
-Hey!
-Hey, what's up, Dave?
-Alright, dude, what's up, man?
-How you doin'?
Man, I'm just messin'
-with this camera.
-Oh, yeah?
-You mind if I, uh?
-Nah.
Alright, cool, man.
-What up, Carson Daly?
-[camera beeps]
What's up, Dave?
[cheering and applauding]
Hey, folks,
we're on in 2013.
TRL, Carson Daly.
Will you little fuckers shut up?
How excited can you really be
for a video you've seen
fifty-eight times in a row?
Fuck!
-Alright?
-Yeah.
Alright, man,
good to see ya.
Alright, you too,
man, take care.
-See you later.
-Hey, save your money, dude.
Alright.
[camera beeps]
[man] Man, I look like
that 7Up guy.
Them white girls
gonna come flockin'.
Damn!
[woman] I've been waiting
out here for 45 minutes.
Oh, I knew I should have brought
a prettier friend.
God, get surgery, bitch,
you're so ugly.
[man 1] Whoa,
I think this ecstasy
is starting to kick in.
Am I freaking out?
No... Yeah.
Man, this bitch next
to me needs surgery.
What's your name, big man?
-Oh, uh...
-[camera beeps]
I said, what's your name,
big man?
Uh, Dave Chappelle, I'm here
for Ann's birthday party.
Also, I have a show
on Comedy Central,
Wednesdays, 10:30.
[upbeat music]
[man] Yo, Dave,
-what's up, man?
-Hey, hey.
Thanks for coming
to my girl's birthday party.
And you brought your camera,
that's perfect!
I want you
to tape something, alright?
Yeah.
Excuse me, everybody.
If I could have
your attention.
Ann, I have loved you
from the moment
that I met you.
Baby, will you marry me?
-Yes!
-Oh, pumpkin!
[camera beeps]
Dave, I want you to meet
my co-worker, Mike.
Yo, what's up, son...
Yo,
you a funny dude, man,
you funny.
Look, I'm gonna
be right back.
I'm going to the dance floor.
Let's dance.
[camera beeps]
[Mike] Don't you want me, son?
[man] And one and two,
and one and two.
Resume, look cool,
and make my face
look na-tur-al.
Hey, you know what, y'all?
I'm gonna just...
I'm gonna get some rest.
Good night.
Congratulations, uh...
Charlie's girlfriend.
[Dave] Man, I don't know
if I should mess
with this camera thing.
I should just turn
this thing off
and masturbate on the internet
like I planned to.
No, no, fuck it,
I'mma go through with this.
I gotta be a man,
I'mma go through with this.
[camera beeps]
[Dave] Hey, hey...
Hey, man.
[camera beeps]
Would you like
some more pickles?
I gotta stop drinking.
Oh!
[camera beeps]
How excited can you really be
for a video you've seen
fifty-eight times in a row?
Fuck!
What do you want?
I just want to make
a Total Request Live
from my man, Justin Timberlake.
Justin, it's me, Dave Chappelle.
Star Search, 1992,
I was with you, man,
I was with you.
"Champion Dave Chappelle
receives 3 1/4 stars,"
remember that, Ed McMahon?
God rest his soul, I'm out.
[screams]
Oh!
Fuck this camera!
[glass shattering]
Oh, oh...
Oh, a camera!
Ooh-wee!
What these buttons do?
[camera beeps]
[Tyrone] I want some crack.
[cheering and applauding]
Alright, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
but don't go nowhere,
'cause we got
jokes and jokes and jokes.
Be right back.
Going to
the Dave Chappelle show.
How's this?
Ho!
Hey.
Folks, this next
musical act
is, like, good friends of mine.
One of my favorite groups
ever in hip-hop history.
Please make some noise
for my brothers, De La Soul.
♪ H-h-here we go again ♪
♪ Go again, go again, go again ♪
♪ Yo, it's been instilled in me
Since in-fin-ite, y'all ♪
♪ Usin' these minutes
Like I value the call ♪
♪ Put your money in the bank ♪
♪ And hold rank over friends ♪
♪ Who ain't got
leadership skills ♪
♪ I got the sheep in my eye
So I can't sleep ♪
♪ We like to land and lay
The Brando way ♪
♪ Grand operate the scandal way,
El la shikes ♪
♪ I play the Xbox
Instead of fucking with dice ♪
♪ I hate losin' to those
Who walk away with my dough ♪
♪ 'Cause I dozed ♪
♪ Tracey broke me ♪
♪ And now she wanna see
The resident provokin' me ♪
♪ To pop wheelies on my bicycle
Watch her eyes twinkle ♪
♪ One house,
Two houses, third house ♪
♪ House rules,
So house take the bank ♪
♪ Watch Dave bank ♪
♪ Batter had him on the hawk
Since Atlanta extravaganza ♪
♪ Gamma ray rapper
Make the Hulk snap ♪
♪ Jump back like James Brown,
hey now ♪
♪ Hey, now ♪
♪ When the liquor over,
we smokin' the ♪
♪ Hey, now ♪
♪ Delegate numero dos,
I holler out to Sal and Los ♪
♪ And keep the island
close to me ♪
♪ And Dave Chappelle, the host,
You see, yo ♪
♪ Much more is what we got ♪
♪ Much more ♪
♪ Just believe me ♪
♪ Than they could ever see ♪
♪ Much more than they could see
Is how it'll always be ♪
♪ Believe me ♪
♪ Ya gotta believe me ♪
♪ I got verb, skills, babies,
and bills ♪
♪ Your brother
who smoked crills ♪
♪ Is still tryin' to get himself
together from it ♪
♪ No one can quite run it
like me ♪
♪ I'm on the cutting edge
Of what's alleged to be hot ♪
♪ And when you rock,
It's just impersonations of me ♪
♪ The rightest MC ♪
♪ MP with the "V"
in the middle ♪
♪ I belittle your plan
courtesy ♪
♪ Of the N-Y dirty "C," my man ♪
♪ My base of fans
Is made up of many ♪
♪ We gets allergic to belts ♪
♪ Lettin' their mind melt
From drinkin' the Henny ♪
♪ And my straightened-out types
Who be waitin' to hear ♪
♪ Them drums say
the revolution is near ♪
♪ Are you listening? ♪
♪ Are your eardrums
Open for christening? ♪
♪ We got by the MCs
with these tools ♪
♪ While some others play God ♪
♪ They just goddamn fools
with it ♪
♪ I don't cut mics,
I rough mics up ♪
♪ Rough and rugged,
Yet the girls still love it ♪
♪ Still in all,
Five-O came to my mic check ♪
♪ Tellin' me I left lacerations
Around my mic's neck ♪
♪ Domestically disputed
And you just might get ♪
♪ The undisputed, underdog
Serving y'all threat ♪
♪ Much more is
what we got in store... ♪
Much more.
♪ It's much more
Than they could ever see ♪
Folks, I'd like to thank
my guest, De La Soul.
I'd like to thank
each and every one of you
for being here with me tonight.
And I'd like to thank you
at home for watching.
God bless y'all, I'm out.
[cheering and applauding]
-[Dave] I'm rich, biatch!
-[horn honking]
[woman] Hi, thank you.
[hip-hop music]
It's Fisticuffs.
This is Fisticuffs,
2003, bitch!
Turn 'em up!
Turn your
motherfuckin' stereo up, what?
Turn it up, I'm serious!
You not gonna hear
the intricacies of the beat
if the volume's so low,
turn it up!
And that, nigga,
that's how you
make a hit, bitch!
I am the man!
That's right,
turn 'em up!