Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

Dave debuts Samuel Jackson beer, shows us how much cooler life would be if everything were in slow motion and reveals the latest picks in "The Racial Draft".

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♪ Oww ♪

♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

[waiter] What'll it be, guys?

I'll have a scotch on the rocks.

- I'll have a Samuel Adams.

I'll have a Samuel Jackson.

You know something?

I'll have a Samuel Jackson, too.

Me three.

[all laughing]

[waiter] Three Samuel Jacksons

coming right up.

Good motherfuckin' choice,


Samuel Jackson,

made painstakingly by me,

Samuel L. Jackson.

It'll get you drunk!

You'll be fuckin' fat girls

in no time!

You might even fight

a nigga or two!

Mmm-mmm, bitch!

How's it taste, motherfucka'?


Can you stop yelling at me,


No, I can't stop yelling,

'cause that's how I talk!

You ain't never seen my movies?

Juice, that was a good one!

Deep Blue Sea!

They ate me, a fucking shark

ate me!

Drink, bitch!

Jurassic Park!

Samuel Jackson, it's my beer!

"Yes, they deserved to die

and I hope they burn in hell!"

[man] Dave Chappelle...!

[Cheers & applause]

- Oh, that's right!

That's right!

That's right!


That's right.

What's up, y'all?

Welcome back-- ohh.

Come on, now, calm down.

We don't have that much time.

Thank you.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

you are seeing correctly,

I am smoking on television.

I am smoking indoors,

you know why?

Because I didn't vote

for Bloomberg.

Those of you across the nation

who don't know who Bloomberg is,

he is the mayor

of this great city of New York.

I'm fighting!

Somebody's got to do it.

You know, this Bloomberg guy

has messed everything up!

Cigarettes are $8 a pack!

That's crack prices!

People gonna be sucking dicks

for cigarettes soon!

It's ridiculous.

And then once you buy a pack,

you can't even smoke inside.

I can't stand it anymore.

I can't stand it, I'm fighting!

[woman] Whoo!!

That's right!

It's in my blood.

I have no choice but to fight,

I'm a genetic dissenter.

That's right,

it's in my genes to dissent.

I'll show you a tape

of my history.

Damn, Bloomberg is fucking up.

Man, Carter is fucking up.

Damn, Truman is fucking up.

Man, Lincoln is fucking up.

Son, white folks in general

is fucking up.

Shhh, they coming.

Man, the chief's fucking up.

Hey, y'all, look.

It's a boat with some

white people on it.

Y'all wait here,

I'm gonna see what they want.


I fucked up.

Now, a lot of people say,

"Dave, if everybody else

is messing up so bad,

what you think,

you can do better?"

Yes, I do.

That's why I'm gonna

run for mayor or something.

That's right.

[applause & cheering]

Maybe governor

or something else,

you never know.

I made a campaign ad, too,

and I'll show it to you

right now.

This is my first campaign ad,

it'll be on the air soon.

Although America is the greatest

nation in the world,

we still face

many modern problems.

And modern problems require

modern solutions.

Health care is in shambles.

Medicaid doesn't work,

and the insurance industry

has made medicine

virtually unaffordable.


our neighbors in Canada

have free health care

for all their citizens.

So what am I suggesting?

Fake Canadian I.D. cards

for all Americans.

If you get sick,

run on up to Canada and

get yourself checked out.

I'm Dave Chappelle,

and I want to represent you.

We're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back with

more Chappelle's Show.

Don't go anywhere.

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♪ Oww! ♪

Although America is the greatest

nation in the world,

we still face

many modern problems.

And modern problems require

modern solutions.

Teen pregnancy is a

huge problem in this country.

Now, what we need

are more programs in place

that promote abstinence.

My solution?

Have every high school principal

have sex with the oldest

teacher in the school

in front of the students.

And make sure you

rub them both with mayonnaise

to accentuate the sound

of their old flesh flapping


This powerful image

is sure to be a deterrent

that the children

will never forget.

Goddamn, that's gross.

I'm Dave Chappelle,

and I want to represent you.

You know, folks,

since I've been doing this show

a lot of rappers have been

asking me to be in their videos.

Which is nice,

but they always want me

to do dumb stuff.

Like, I'll be like,

"What I gotta do, Snoop?"

"Okay, here it is, Dave,

it's a club scene

and like, you was dancing

and you slip on a banana peel

and your face lands in

some doo doo-- splat.

Now, you rolling around,

got dookie all over you.

And then

here I come with my gators on.

My now and later gators

step over ya.

And all you see is me

walking off in slow motion."

It's like-hold up, nigga,

why can't I be the one

in slow motion?

I'm tired of being the one

in the doo-doo.

Everything looks better

in slow motion.

This is the truth.

For instance,

here's a tape of me doing

my laundry.

Hey, how you doing,

Mrs. Kim?

Nothing funny about that.


But why don't we see me

do my laundry...

In slow motion.

[ Sadeness playing]

[audience laughing & applauding]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing & applauding]

[audience laughing]

[cheers & applause]


All right...

I like it in videos,

whenever you see a club scene

club scene is always

in slow motion.

You know why?

'Cause it's gotta be.

'Cause it sucks to be

in a club in regular life.

Check it out, this is

what it looks like

to be at a club normally.

Hey, come on, man!

Excuse me, excuse me.

The robot?

You make me sick.

[All gasping]

Sorry about-- Oh!

He's so corny!

Terrible, terrible

what they did to me.

Why don't we take a look at that

in slow motion, though.

[techno music]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing & applauding]

[Slow motion]

I wanna suck your...

[audience laughing]

[All gasping]

[heart beating in slow motion]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing & applauding]

[Slow motion]

Me so horny...

[man in audience]


[Cheers & applause]

Much better.

That was much better.

Of course, we gotta remember

this concept

is not across the board.

It doesn't work with everything,

just most things.

Some things look worse

in slow motion.

Like, for instance, here's

a tape of me taking a shit.

It happens.


[Dave] Oh, ho ho...

Pretty disgusting.

Let's see that same shit

in slow motion.

[Loud gurgle]


[cheers & applause]

People be mad about it,

like, R. Kelly,

I seen R. Kelly in a Chicago.

He was mad at me.

"There ain't no punch line

to that,

that thing is mad.

How you gonna make a video

about peeing on somebody?"

Nigga, how you gonna make a

video about peeing on somebody?

And on that note,

take a quick commercial break

and we'll be right back

for some more Chappelle's Show.

Welcome back

to Chappelle's Show.

America's #1 source

for offensive comedy.

You know what's cool about

being an American?

We're all mixed up.

I'm talking about genetically.

We've all got a little

something in us, right?

And in some people,

it's more than others.

And that's when we

get to arguing.

For instance, my wife is Asian.

I'm Black, and we argue...

About which half of Tiger Woods

is hitting the ball so good.

Derek Jeter is another guy

like that.

Halle Berry is somebody else.

We've gotta stop arguing

about who was what.

We need to just

settle this once and for all,

we need to have a draft.

That's right, I said it.

Good evening,

and welcome to the first

and maybe only racial draft

here in New York City.

Folks, this is for

all the marbles.

What happens here will

state the racial standing

of these Americans

once and for all.

That's right.

And the crowd is here

to support their races.

Well, Rob, some of

the biggest names in sports

and in entertainment

are on the line tonight.

And I'm excited to see who's

gonna be drafted by which race.

Seated behind me

on the stage there,

are the various representatives.

And, believe it or not

the Blacks have actually

won the first pick.

Wow, that's the first lottery

a Black person's won

in a long time, Billy.

Yes, and they'll

probably still complain.

[chuckling together]

Man, fuck you.

Well, the Black representative

is heading for

the microphone now,

why don't we take a listen.

We of the Black delegation...

Choose Tiger Woods.



No surprises there, fellas.

The richest and most

dominant athlete in the world.

His father Black,

his mother Thai.

Well, that doesn't matter


because now

he is officially Black.

Dave, the Asians

have got to be upset.

[Dave] There's no question

about that, Rob.

But you gotta think about it.

He's been discriminated

against in his time,

he's had death threats,

and he dates a white woman.

Sounds like a Black guy to me.

Tiger's taking the stage now,

and if you ask me,

he's looking Blacker already.

Ah, I'd like to say,

a tremendous opportunity for me.

To finally be part of

a race and have a home.

I've been so confused

if I'm half Asian,

so many things.

So long, fried rice,

hello fried chicken.

I love you guys!

[Cheers & applause]

Ah, I always wanted

to say this...

For shizzle.

Ha ha.

Well, it seems as though

Tiger Woods is happy to be Black

and that's a good thing

because I just received word

that he lost all his


Ooh, that's a tough one.

Oh, Amex, Tag Heuer, Wheaties

the whole shebang-a-bang.

Tough break, nigga,

there's always FUBU.

All right, coming up now

are the Jews.

Many have speculated

about their pick.

But I'm guessing

they're gonna pick Madonna

and finish off the job

Kabbalah started.

Yes, well, Rob, she was

born and raised Catholic

then she became a whore,

but over the last decade

she has studied the Kabbalah.

And she even wrote

a Kabbalah children's book.

[Dave] Oh, here come the Jews.

Why don't we take a look


Today, we,

the Jewish people take...

Lenny Kravitz.

Wow, in a surprise move

the Jews pick Lenny Kravitz,


He's actually half-Black

and half-Jewish.

His mother was on

"the Jeffersons",

a pivotal show in Black culture.

And his father, a Jew,

was her lawyer.

Heh, couldn't make that up.

Well, Lenny is all Jewish now.

Unfortunately, Lenny can't

make it here to accept.

He's in Miami beach.

Well, he must have gotten that

news about being Jewish early.

Miami beach?

Ha ha ha...

[Dave] All right, the Latins

are up now.

Why don't we all take

an Escucha to their pick.

We, the Latinos, choose...

Elian Gonzalez.

I don't understand that one.

We wanted to do this

before the white people

try to adopt him

as one of their own...


[Loud cheering]


Guess who's turn it is?

White people.

Let's see what direction

they go in.

Halle Berry is still available,

as is Mariah Carey's crazy ass.

- Cracker...


- That's very mature, Rondell.

Thank you all, good afternoon.


Excuse me.

[Clears throat]

Pardon me.

Hey, will you cut the malarkey?

Okay, I'm talking.

There's a white man

talking up here!

Silencio !

[Booing continues]


Thank you-- Damn it.

We, the white delegation,

are very proud to announce

our pick this year,

Colin Powell!


Colin Powell is not white.

He's not even an Eighth White.

He's 100% Black.

Last I heard.

Wow, I gotta wonder

how the Blacks

are gonna be taking this one.

We, the Black delegation,

accept the white delegation's

offer to draft Colin Powell,

on the condition that they

also accept Condoleezza Rice

as a part of the deal.

By the power invested in me,

by white people everywhere

We accept. You got yourself

a goddamn deal.


The Black delegation requests


Wait a goddamn minute, Rondell,

that's not part of the bargain.

I'm hustling, baby.

All right, well, no hustling me.

You're talking

to the ultimate hustler.

I tell you what.

Let's make all things fair,

we keep Eminem...

You get O. J. Simpson.


[Dave] Incredible!

A first round absolutely

chock full of surprises.

Unbelievable, Colin Powell

and Condoleezza Rice

now officially white.

O. J. Black again.

What a day.

You know,

if white people knew

they were gonna get away

with picking a Black person,

I bet they would have picked


Oh, well, absolutely, Rob.

Thick thighs, no felonies,

she definitely would have

been a great pickup.

Okay, the Chinese delegation

is up next.

Although they're the last,

they've been waiting with

zen-like patience.

My guess is Yao Ming.

He's been spending

a lot of time with Blacks

learning slang and shit-talking.

If they're not careful,

they might lose him.

The Asian delegation chooses...

The RZA, the GZA, U-God

Inspectah Deck,

Ghostface Killah,

the Wu-Tang Clan!

[announcer] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

But I have just heard it

with my own two ears.

This is, by far,

the biggest upset of the night.

The Chinese delegation

pulling a fast one

and choosing the entire

Wu-Tang Clan.

- Brooklyn!

This is big boss, Yorkers.

We always been

a fan of the kung fu

and the Chinese culture,

and shit.

So, yo, it's like bong-bong,

you know.

Yeah, I wanna remind everybody

to, um, diversify your bonds.

RZA got an announcement to make.

Oh, yeah, Ol' Dirty

has now changed his name

from "Dirt McGirt",

to "The Old Dirty Chinese



Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang..

Konichiwa, bitches.

Folks, thanks for joining us

on this incredible night.

Our coverage ends here,

but be sure to catch

the rest on our website.


to all the races.

And Konichiwa bitches.

We're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

But don't go nowhere, we'll be

right back with more Chappelle



I'd like to thank

each and every one of you

for being here tonight,

and I'd like to thank everybody

at home for watching.

And hopefully I'll see you

next week.

I'm out.

[Cheers & applause]

[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!

[Horn honks]

- Hi, thank you.

How's it taste, motherfucker?


Will you stop yelling at me?

No I can't stop yelling at you!

This is my acting style!

You haven't seen my movies?

Jackie Brown!

Star Wars!

The one where I say,

"yes, they deserve to die

and I hope they burn in hell!"

I was in that, too!

I was in Juice,

with Tupac Shakur!

Juice, nigga!