Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 10 - Episode #1.10 - full transcript

Dave does his "version" of R. Kelly's infamous video. Dave also does his "take" on the movie "Deep Impact" and the inner city gang wars of the 80's.

♪ Chappelle's Show

Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show

Chappelle's show ♪

♪ Oww ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

[cheers and applause]

[announcer] Dave Chappelle!

Oh, wow...


Welcome, welcome to

the Chappelle show , everybody.

Thanks for coming out, man,

I am your, um, host.


You know, I gotta tell y'all,

I just bought

one of the hottest albums

I bought in a long time, man.

That, that Chocolate Factory,

that R. Kelly.

He put it down.


I mean, say what you want

to say about his scandal,

but the music is scandal-proof,

you know what I'm saying?

And any real fan of R. Kelly

wouldn't let that scandal

stop him

because if you was paying

attention to his music

all these years,

you might've seen it coming

like I did.

Go ahead, roll that video.

Yeah... it's the R.

40 ounces of malt liquor make me

want to tell you somethin'.

♪ Said rollin' around

Sittin' on dubs ♪

♪ Countin' the hours

High on shrubs ♪

♪ Coolin' in my escalade ♪

♪ Man, I'm paid

I got it made ♪

♪ Take me to

Your special place ♪

♪ Close your eyes

Show me your face ♪

♪ I'm gonna piss on it ♪

♪ Haters wanna hate

Lovers wanna love ♪

♪ I don't even want

None of the above ♪

♪ I want to piss on you

Yes, I do ♪

♪ I'll piss on you

I'll pee on you ♪

♪ Said your body

Your body ♪

♪ Is a port-a-potty ♪

♪ I'ma pee out kick ♪

♪ I can use karate

Use karate ♪

♪ I'ma pee on you ♪

♪ Drip, drip, drip

Pee on you ♪

♪ Pour on you ♪

♪ Piss on you

Piss on you ♪

♪ You'll never feel

Quite the same ♪

♪ When you get a whiff

Of my Hershey stains ♪

♪ I wanna poop on you too ♪

♪ I want to

Pee in your food ♪

♪ Only thing

To make my life complete ♪

♪ Is when I turn your face

Into a toilet seat ♪

♪ I want to pee on you ♪

♪ Yes, I do

Yes, I do ♪

♪ I'll pee on you

I'll piss on you ♪

♪ Haters wanna hate

Lovers wanna love ♪

♪ I don't even want

None of the above ♪

♪ I want to piss on you

Yes, I do ♪

♪ I'll piss on you

I'll pee on you ♪

♪ Won't you braid my hair ♪

♪ Say, won't you braid my hair ♪

♪ Before you start

I'm gonna fart ♪

♪ I'm gonna fart on you ♪

[applause and cheers]


Boy, that R. Kelly can make

a love song about anything,

can't he?

Now, a lot of you

might be wondering,

"Dave, how are you

gonna follow that?"

How else?

Make some noise,

ladies and gentlemen,

for Paul Mooney's, time for,

"Ask a Black Dude."

Are all their dicks really big?

Or are some small, some big?

Is it a mixed bag,

or do we just assume

they're all hung like horses?

Brothers are packing,

they seem to be packing.

I guess that's

the way of the world.

That's why you have

so many mixed couples.

White girl ain't that crazy.

How's the old saying go?

"Once you go black,

you don't come back"?

You go white,

you go running back to black.

Ain't that the way it goes?

It happens that way.

Wasn't Mariah Carey

married to a white man?

And then they divorced...

She was humping on black chairs,

she went crazy

when she got away from him.

Okay, I've always wondered

why black guys

shave their heads.

I mean, it just seems

that they have great hair,

and I could never figure out

why so many of them

shave their heads.

It's just a fad.

Now, white folks wear

bald heads, too.

You know they ain't gonna

let a nigga have nothing.

We wore naturals,

they took that,

they take everything.

They took Tina Turner.

They took Michael Jackson.

They took James Brown...

They gave him back.

Who else they take?

Lionel Richie.

Oh, they'll take stuff from you.

They will take, they won't

let us have too much fun.

That's what I told

some black people

the other night

at my show.

I said,

"Don't get too fond of me

'cause white folks'll come in

and take me."

They only want niggas

to have a little bit of fun.

I get to talking some mess

on your show,

they'll take your show,

they'll fix you, too.


That Paul Mooney is something!

I can't believe this is

actually happening.

R. Kelly actually sent over

the Piss On You remix.

-[man] What?

-I'm serious!

For real, look!


Normally I don't do this,

but I'ma hit y'all off with

a little taste of the remix.

Y'all ready? Here we go.

♪ I pick you up

From the club ♪

♪ Take you home

To make some love ♪

♪ Got a surprise

Close your eyes ♪

♪ I'm gonna

Cover you with suds ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you

Some poo-poo ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you

Some pee-pee ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you

Some doo-doo ♪

♪ Wash it down

With some wee-wee ♪

♪ This is the remix edition

Of the song about pissin' ♪

♪ I got that peein'

Leakin', reekin' ♪

♪ And there's juice

In the kitchen ♪

Yeah... that's how

it goes at an R. Kelly party.

♪ I sip cris'... ♪

♪ You drink piss. ♪

I Wanna Piss On You remix.

You heard?

You know, I'm serious.

I really do want to piss on you.


We'll take a quick

commercial break.

Don't go nowhere,

we'll be right back.

♪ Chappelle's Show

Ow ♪

Hey, gang.

Boy, so much to talk

about tonight.

I've been watching

the, The History Channel a lot.

The History Channel,

it gives you perspective

on a lot of things.

For instance, gang violence

is something that I never

really understood.

And then I was watching

The History Channel

and they just came with it, man.

They really enlightened me.

[host] Welcome to

"The World's Greatest Wars."

We've reviewed the civil war,

World War II and the Gulf War.

But now, we turn your attention

to a classic war

that took place right here

on American soil.

For the last 20 years,

on Chicago's south side,

a violent war has been waged

between two bitter enemies,

the 19th Street Gangsters

and The River Terrace Crew.

The war began in 1982

over a pair of basketball shoes.

But not just

any basketball shoes.

These... were Nikes.

"Ay, dog, ay,"

Earl The Snake White

called out

after a rival member

of the 19th Street Gangsters,

General Cornrow Wallace,

made minor contact

with his shoes.


Ay, dog, ay.

You stepped on my sneaker, man!

The Snake knew then that

he would have to fight him.


Ah, aah!

What you got?

Oh! Aah!

[mocking] Aah! Aah!

Get that shit off my sneakers!

[clucking, cooing]

[narrator] The Snake was down,

but not out.

He returned to the crew's


and rallied the troops

with a most impassioned speech.

[man] Some mark-ass trick just

stepped on my sneakers

and poured Morton salt

all over 'em.

Are y'all ready to ride?

Robble, robble.

[all] Robble, robble!

Let's ride on these fools

at their own barbecue.

[narrator] Wasting no time,

the crew commenced

stomping on people's sneakers

to let them know

who ran the projects.

General Cornrow Wallace

pulled out a gun--

unheard of, at that point,

in street fighting.


A resident called 911


Police showed up promptly

four hours later.

Cornrow was sentenced

to seven years in prison.

His time there would be

formative, to say the least.

[clucking, cooing]

His roommate in jail was

a man named Tyrone Biggums,

who regaled cornrow with stories

of a new way to make cocaine.

It's called crack!

It's great!

And it's so simple to make!

All you need is some cocaine

and some baking soda...

And I think I tasted

egg and cinnamon.

Whoever sells it is

gonna be rich!

Cornrow immediately alerted his

friends on the outside

via a letter.

[man reading slowly] "Yo.

Y'all niggers need

to cook up cocaine

with... ba-king powder

and sell it.

All the best, Cornrow-up.



[narrator] They immediately

started cooking the stuff up

and selling it on what little

space they still controlled.

They had made hundreds

of thousands of dollars

in mere weeks.

In no time, snake and his crew

followed suit.

The money made fueled what

became a heated arms race

between the two groups.


[explosion, snake laughs]

The violence escalated

every year,

finally peaking in 1989

when the 19th Street Gangsters

sustained a massive loss

at the battle of

the Kool Moe Dee concert,

which took place at...

A Kool Moe Dee concert.

Newly released from prison,

revered general cornrow Wallace

was shot dead.

The funeral was somber

and filled with cornrow's

signature bird call.

[all cooing]

The funeral passed

without incident

but what the crew did next

appalled even the hardest thugs.

The crew went to the graveyard

and dug up

General Cornrow Wallace's body,

absconding with it

to their hideout.

The incident was videotaped

and sent to members

of the 19th Street Gangsters.

Hey, fool, we got your leader.

Look at us.

High five!

Look at these pretty clothes


Get his shoes,

look at them pretty shoes!

Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em.

♪ Robble, robble

Robble, robble ♪

Tensions between the gangsters

and the 19th Street crew

rage to this day.

Most of the original members

of the gangs

are either dead or in jail.

But we did speak to one member,

Earl The Snake White.

Ironically, he now works

at a Friendly Shoe Source

in a strip mall

on the exact location

where the cardinal projects

once stood.

All right!

[narrator] Snake, knowing what

you do now, was it all worth it?

Yeah, it was a tragedy!

Can you repeat the question?

For The History Channel,

I'm Jeff Frankel.

Good night.


We're gonna take a quick

commercial break,

but we'll be right back with

more Chappelle's Show.

So don't go anywhere.

Ha-ha, go ahead!

Hey, gang, welcome back.

Welcome back.

So here at Chappelle's Show

we like to show people

the real versions of movies.

Okay, so I got

another one for you.

Today we're gonna do

Deep Impact.

I don't know if you've seen it.

This was where Morgan Freeman

was the Black president.

An asteroid was speeding

towards Earth,

and he had to figure out a way

to solve the problem

and save humanity!

I wonder what would

really happen, hmm?

Please be seated.

Hello, America.

As you all know, there's

an asteroid the size of Maine

speeding towards earth

as we speak.

I'd like to take a moment

out of the day to, uh,

address the allegations that

this is somehow my fault.

Firstly I'd like to say

that these allegations are

absolutely and 100% false.

Secondly, and most importantly,

I'd like to say that you

motherfuckers disgust me!

You're goddamn right I said it.

If you knew

just one of the things

I was sworn to secrecy to,

you would buckle

under the goddamn pressure.

[all] Mr. President!

Mr. President!

Like what?

How about this.

I have here in my hand

the cure for aids.

We've had this for 25 years.

Have a great weekend.

Did I shock you?

Are you crazy yet?

Well, I have somebody

I'd like you to meet.

Come on up here, Paula.

America, I'd like you to

meet my good friend Paula.

And here's Paula again.

And here's Paula one more time.

We cloned these three bitches

in a laboratory in Seattle

some 19-odd years ago.

Not only that, we added

a pinch of black genes

so that they could

do things like this.

Hit it, girls.

♪ Running through

the raindrops ♪

♪ Wishing that you

won't stop-- ♪

That'll be enough,

thank you very much.

All right, baby.

Oh, hold on, Paula.

It's the cure for aids.

Sorry about last night.

Freaked out yet?

Have I blown your mind?

Or you think you can

still handle my job?

Because if you're cocky and you

think you got hold of this,

I got some more information

for you.

Would you like to know

who killed Kennedy?

[man] Yeah. Who killed Kennedy?

You ready for the truth,


Here it comes.

Oswald killed Kennedy.

That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald

killed John F. Kennedy,

alone and by himself.

With a magic bullet.

That's right, the bullet was

actually magical,

magic does exist.

We've known about this

for some 2,000 years.

I'm not finished yet,

I have some more information

that might startle you.

The R. Kelly sex tape.

That wasn't R. Kelly, it was me.

That's right,

I urinate on people

when I have sex with them.

I'm a disgusting human being

and I apologize

to the people

who I've hurt and peed on.

Bet I blew your mind

right there, didn't I?

I'm really on a roll

and I don't care

because the world's

going to end any day now.

So I might as well introduce you

to a good friend of mine,


Bibble, come on up.

[man] Oh my God!

Is that an alien?

America, this is Bibble.

Bibble is a space creature

that lives very far away

in a galaxy called Nebulon Five.

And he is solely responsible

for the wave of technology

we've seen

over the last few decades:

Cell phones, pagers,

PlayStation 1 and 2.

You might think

it was the Japanese

who are responsible,

but anyone in the know knows

that it was Bibble, fo' shizzle

and all 'bout Bibble.

'Cause only Bibble can keep it

so real.

Hey, uh, Bibble, is

the spaceship ready?

-[Electronic voice] Aye, aye.

-I'm ready to get out of here.

Okay, me and Bibble

are about to leave,

but before we go

I just want to say,

there's no hope

for the planet earth.

There's no way to stop

the asteroid

and you're all gonna die.

Everyone except for me.

And of course, Bibble,

who's been so kind to let me

accompany him on his spaceship.

And I'm bringing those

three cloned white women

with me.

Good-bye, America.

I hope you all die

in a fiery death

when the meteor

hits next Tuesday.

Come on, Bibble,

let's get out of here.

[man] Oh, my God!

Aye, aye.


All right, we're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

But please, don't go anywhere

'cause we'll be right back.

Look at that.

♪ Turn on your TV

what you gonna see? ♪

I would like to thank

the studio audience.

I would like to thank you

at home.

You see, because I keep saying--


-Hey, what's up, man?

We just got a call,

looks like you're having

a lot of fun out here.

Just having a blast, baby.

Yeah, we, uh,

we are the white guys.

And we've come

to take over your show.

What do you mean, are you--?

Well, we already got

Paul Mooney.

-Now we gotta take you.

-You took Paul?

Yeah-- oh, and by the way,

could you people

stack the chairs

on the way out, please?

Thank you so much.

Hey, wait a minute, wait.

Get a picture of me

and David before we go.

Oh, sure, sure.

Yeah, my daughter's gonna

love this.

Oh, Hannah, yeah?

My daughter thinks

you're really funny.

Okay, we got him now, huh?

Is this still live?

Can we cut that?

Yeah, the Mike's on--

but, hey, hold on there--

Come on, let's go.



What y'all clapping for? Help!

Watch your step.

This ain't no skit, bitch, help!

I'm rich, biatch!

[horn honks]

Hi, thank you!

Good night, Cornrow Wallace.

Watch out for the wolves.

Is it mornin' yet?

I pee on people when

I have sex with them.


Can I say "pee on people"

or is standards gonna kill me?

That's right, I spray

people with urine

during sexual encounters.

Surprise, surprise,

right in your eyes.

You're right,

that's much lighter.

[crew laughing]