Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 10 - Episode #1.10 - full transcript
Dave does his "version" of R. Kelly's infamous video. Dave also does his "take" on the movie "Deep Impact" and the inner city gang wars of the 80's.
♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[cheers and applause]
[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
Oh, wow...
Man.
Welcome, welcome to
the Chappelle show , everybody.
Thanks for coming out, man,
I am your, um, host.
[laughs]
You know, I gotta tell y'all,
I just bought
one of the hottest albums
I bought in a long time, man.
That, that Chocolate Factory,
that R. Kelly.
He put it down.
[applause]
I mean, say what you want
to say about his scandal,
but the music is scandal-proof,
you know what I'm saying?
And any real fan of R. Kelly
wouldn't let that scandal
stop him
because if you was paying
attention to his music
all these years,
you might've seen it coming
like I did.
Go ahead, roll that video.
Yeah... it's the R.
40 ounces of malt liquor make me
want to tell you somethin'.
♪ Said rollin' around
Sittin' on dubs ♪
♪ Countin' the hours
High on shrubs ♪
♪ Coolin' in my escalade ♪
♪ Man, I'm paid
I got it made ♪
♪ Take me to
Your special place ♪
♪ Close your eyes
Show me your face ♪
♪ I'm gonna piss on it ♪
♪ Haters wanna hate
Lovers wanna love ♪
♪ I don't even want
None of the above ♪
♪ I want to piss on you
Yes, I do ♪
♪ I'll piss on you
I'll pee on you ♪
♪ Said your body
Your body ♪
♪ Is a port-a-potty ♪
♪ I'ma pee out kick ♪
♪ I can use karate
Use karate ♪
♪ I'ma pee on you ♪
♪ Drip, drip, drip
Pee on you ♪
♪ Pour on you ♪
♪ Piss on you
Piss on you ♪
♪ You'll never feel
Quite the same ♪
♪ When you get a whiff
Of my Hershey stains ♪
♪ I wanna poop on you too ♪
♪ I want to
Pee in your food ♪
♪ Only thing
To make my life complete ♪
♪ Is when I turn your face
Into a toilet seat ♪
♪ I want to pee on you ♪
♪ Yes, I do
Yes, I do ♪
♪ I'll pee on you
I'll piss on you ♪
♪ Haters wanna hate
Lovers wanna love ♪
♪ I don't even want
None of the above ♪
♪ I want to piss on you
Yes, I do ♪
♪ I'll piss on you
I'll pee on you ♪
♪ Won't you braid my hair ♪
♪ Say, won't you braid my hair ♪
♪ Before you start
I'm gonna fart ♪
♪ I'm gonna fart on you ♪
[applause and cheers]
Oh!
Boy, that R. Kelly can make
a love song about anything,
can't he?
Now, a lot of you
might be wondering,
"Dave, how are you
gonna follow that?"
How else?
Make some noise,
ladies and gentlemen,
for Paul Mooney's, time for,
"Ask a Black Dude."
Are all their dicks really big?
Or are some small, some big?
Is it a mixed bag,
or do we just assume
they're all hung like horses?
Brothers are packing,
they seem to be packing.
I guess that's
the way of the world.
That's why you have
so many mixed couples.
White girl ain't that crazy.
How's the old saying go?
"Once you go black,
you don't come back"?
You go white,
you go running back to black.
Ain't that the way it goes?
It happens that way.
Wasn't Mariah Carey
married to a white man?
And then they divorced...
She was humping on black chairs,
she went crazy
when she got away from him.
Okay, I've always wondered
why black guys
shave their heads.
I mean, it just seems
that they have great hair,
and I could never figure out
why so many of them
shave their heads.
It's just a fad.
Now, white folks wear
bald heads, too.
You know they ain't gonna
let a nigga have nothing.
We wore naturals,
they took that,
they take everything.
They took Tina Turner.
They took Michael Jackson.
They took James Brown...
They gave him back.
Who else they take?
Lionel Richie.
Oh, they'll take stuff from you.
They will take, they won't
let us have too much fun.
That's what I told
some black people
the other night
at my show.
I said,
"Don't get too fond of me
'cause white folks'll come in
and take me."
They only want niggas
to have a little bit of fun.
I get to talking some mess
on your show,
they'll take your show,
they'll fix you, too.
Woo!
That Paul Mooney is something!
I can't believe this is
actually happening.
R. Kelly actually sent over
the Piss On You remix.
-[man] What?
-I'm serious!
For real, look!
[narration]
Normally I don't do this,
but I'ma hit y'all off with
a little taste of the remix.
Y'all ready? Here we go.
♪ I pick you up
From the club ♪
♪ Take you home
To make some love ♪
♪ Got a surprise
Close your eyes ♪
♪ I'm gonna
Cover you with suds ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you
Some poo-poo ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you
Some pee-pee ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you
Some doo-doo ♪
♪ Wash it down
With some wee-wee ♪
♪ This is the remix edition
Of the song about pissin' ♪
♪ I got that peein'
Leakin', reekin' ♪
♪ And there's juice
In the kitchen ♪
Yeah... that's how
it goes at an R. Kelly party.
♪ I sip cris'... ♪
♪ You drink piss. ♪
I Wanna Piss On You remix.
You heard?
You know, I'm serious.
I really do want to piss on you.
[applause]
We'll take a quick
commercial break.
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
♪ Chappelle's Show
Ow ♪
Hey, gang.
Boy, so much to talk
about tonight.
I've been watching
the, The History Channel a lot.
The History Channel,
it gives you perspective
on a lot of things.
For instance, gang violence
is something that I never
really understood.
And then I was watching
The History Channel
and they just came with it, man.
They really enlightened me.
[host] Welcome to
"The World's Greatest Wars."
We've reviewed the civil war,
World War II and the Gulf War.
But now, we turn your attention
to a classic war
that took place right here
on American soil.
For the last 20 years,
on Chicago's south side,
a violent war has been waged
between two bitter enemies,
the 19th Street Gangsters
and The River Terrace Crew.
The war began in 1982
over a pair of basketball shoes.
But not just
any basketball shoes.
These... were Nikes.
"Ay, dog, ay,"
Earl The Snake White
called out
after a rival member
of the 19th Street Gangsters,
General Cornrow Wallace,
made minor contact
with his shoes.
Ay!
Ay, dog, ay.
You stepped on my sneaker, man!
The Snake knew then that
he would have to fight him.
Aah!
Ah, aah!
What you got?
Oh! Aah!
[mocking] Aah! Aah!
Get that shit off my sneakers!
[clucking, cooing]
[narrator] The Snake was down,
but not out.
He returned to the crew's
clubhouse
and rallied the troops
with a most impassioned speech.
[man] Some mark-ass trick just
stepped on my sneakers
and poured Morton salt
all over 'em.
Are y'all ready to ride?
Robble, robble.
[all] Robble, robble!
Let's ride on these fools
at their own barbecue.
[narrator] Wasting no time,
the crew commenced
stomping on people's sneakers
to let them know
who ran the projects.
General Cornrow Wallace
pulled out a gun--
unheard of, at that point,
in street fighting.
[gunshot]
A resident called 911
immediately.
Police showed up promptly
four hours later.
Cornrow was sentenced
to seven years in prison.
His time there would be
formative, to say the least.
[clucking, cooing]
His roommate in jail was
a man named Tyrone Biggums,
who regaled cornrow with stories
of a new way to make cocaine.
It's called crack!
It's great!
And it's so simple to make!
All you need is some cocaine
and some baking soda...
And I think I tasted
egg and cinnamon.
Whoever sells it is
gonna be rich!
Cornrow immediately alerted his
friends on the outside
via a letter.
[man reading slowly] "Yo.
Y'all niggers need
to cook up cocaine
with... ba-king powder
and sell it.
All the best, Cornrow-up.
P.S."
[coos]
[narrator] They immediately
started cooking the stuff up
and selling it on what little
space they still controlled.
They had made hundreds
of thousands of dollars
in mere weeks.
In no time, snake and his crew
followed suit.
The money made fueled what
became a heated arms race
between the two groups.
[gunshots]
[explosion, snake laughs]
The violence escalated
every year,
finally peaking in 1989
when the 19th Street Gangsters
sustained a massive loss
at the battle of
the Kool Moe Dee concert,
which took place at...
A Kool Moe Dee concert.
Newly released from prison,
revered general cornrow Wallace
was shot dead.
The funeral was somber
and filled with cornrow's
signature bird call.
[all cooing]
The funeral passed
without incident
but what the crew did next
appalled even the hardest thugs.
The crew went to the graveyard
and dug up
General Cornrow Wallace's body,
absconding with it
to their hideout.
The incident was videotaped
and sent to members
of the 19th Street Gangsters.
Hey, fool, we got your leader.
Look at us.
High five!
Look at these pretty clothes
there.
Get his shoes,
look at them pretty shoes!
Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em.
♪ Robble, robble
Robble, robble ♪
Tensions between the gangsters
and the 19th Street crew
rage to this day.
Most of the original members
of the gangs
are either dead or in jail.
But we did speak to one member,
Earl The Snake White.
Ironically, he now works
at a Friendly Shoe Source
in a strip mall
on the exact location
where the cardinal projects
once stood.
All right!
[narrator] Snake, knowing what
you do now, was it all worth it?
Yeah, it was a tragedy!
Can you repeat the question?
For The History Channel,
I'm Jeff Frankel.
Good night.
[applause]
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break,
but we'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
So don't go anywhere.
Ha-ha, go ahead!
Hey, gang, welcome back.
Welcome back.
So here at Chappelle's Show
we like to show people
the real versions of movies.
Okay, so I got
another one for you.
Today we're gonna do
Deep Impact.
I don't know if you've seen it.
This was where Morgan Freeman
was the Black president.
An asteroid was speeding
towards Earth,
and he had to figure out a way
to solve the problem
and save humanity!
I wonder what would
really happen, hmm?
Please be seated.
Hello, America.
As you all know, there's
an asteroid the size of Maine
speeding towards earth
as we speak.
I'd like to take a moment
out of the day to, uh,
address the allegations that
this is somehow my fault.
Firstly I'd like to say
that these allegations are
absolutely and 100% false.
Secondly, and most importantly,
I'd like to say that you
motherfuckers disgust me!
You're goddamn right I said it.
If you knew
just one of the things
I was sworn to secrecy to,
you would buckle
under the goddamn pressure.
[all] Mr. President!
Mr. President!
Like what?
How about this.
I have here in my hand
the cure for aids.
We've had this for 25 years.
Have a great weekend.
Did I shock you?
Are you crazy yet?
Well, I have somebody
I'd like you to meet.
Come on up here, Paula.
America, I'd like you to
meet my good friend Paula.
And here's Paula again.
And here's Paula one more time.
We cloned these three bitches
in a laboratory in Seattle
some 19-odd years ago.
Not only that, we added
a pinch of black genes
so that they could
do things like this.
Hit it, girls.
♪ Running through
the raindrops ♪
♪ Wishing that you
won't stop-- ♪
That'll be enough,
thank you very much.
All right, baby.
Oh, hold on, Paula.
It's the cure for aids.
Sorry about last night.
Freaked out yet?
Have I blown your mind?
Or you think you can
still handle my job?
Because if you're cocky and you
think you got hold of this,
I got some more information
for you.
Would you like to know
who killed Kennedy?
[man] Yeah. Who killed Kennedy?
You ready for the truth,
America?
Here it comes.
Oswald killed Kennedy.
That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald
killed John F. Kennedy,
alone and by himself.
With a magic bullet.
That's right, the bullet was
actually magical,
magic does exist.
We've known about this
for some 2,000 years.
I'm not finished yet,
I have some more information
that might startle you.
The R. Kelly sex tape.
That wasn't R. Kelly, it was me.
That's right,
I urinate on people
when I have sex with them.
I'm a disgusting human being
and I apologize
to the people
who I've hurt and peed on.
Bet I blew your mind
right there, didn't I?
I'm really on a roll
and I don't care
because the world's
going to end any day now.
So I might as well introduce you
to a good friend of mine,
Bibble.
Bibble, come on up.
[man] Oh my God!
Is that an alien?
America, this is Bibble.
Bibble is a space creature
that lives very far away
in a galaxy called Nebulon Five.
And he is solely responsible
for the wave of technology
we've seen
over the last few decades:
Cell phones, pagers,
PlayStation 1 and 2.
You might think
it was the Japanese
who are responsible,
but anyone in the know knows
that it was Bibble, fo' shizzle
and all 'bout Bibble.
'Cause only Bibble can keep it
so real.
Hey, uh, Bibble, is
the spaceship ready?
-[Electronic voice] Aye, aye.
-I'm ready to get out of here.
Okay, me and Bibble
are about to leave,
but before we go
I just want to say,
there's no hope
for the planet earth.
There's no way to stop
the asteroid
and you're all gonna die.
Everyone except for me.
And of course, Bibble,
who's been so kind to let me
accompany him on his spaceship.
And I'm bringing those
three cloned white women
with me.
Good-bye, America.
I hope you all die
in a fiery death
when the meteor
hits next Tuesday.
Come on, Bibble,
let's get out of here.
[man] Oh, my God!
Aye, aye.
[applause]
All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
But please, don't go anywhere
'cause we'll be right back.
Look at that.
♪ Turn on your TV
what you gonna see? ♪
I would like to thank
the studio audience.
I would like to thank you
at home.
You see, because I keep saying--
-Hi.
-Hey, what's up, man?
We just got a call,
looks like you're having
a lot of fun out here.
Just having a blast, baby.
Yeah, we, uh,
we are the white guys.
And we've come
to take over your show.
What do you mean, are you--?
Well, we already got
Paul Mooney.
-Now we gotta take you.
-You took Paul?
Yeah-- oh, and by the way,
could you people
stack the chairs
on the way out, please?
Thank you so much.
Hey, wait a minute, wait.
Get a picture of me
and David before we go.
Oh, sure, sure.
Yeah, my daughter's gonna
love this.
Oh, Hannah, yeah?
My daughter thinks
you're really funny.
Okay, we got him now, huh?
Is this still live?
Can we cut that?
Yeah, the Mike's on--
but, hey, hold on there--
Come on, let's go.
Help!
Help!
What y'all clapping for? Help!
Watch your step.
This ain't no skit, bitch, help!
I'm rich, biatch!
[horn honks]
Hi, thank you!
Good night, Cornrow Wallace.
Watch out for the wolves.
Is it mornin' yet?
I pee on people when
I have sex with them.
[laughs]
Can I say "pee on people"
or is standards gonna kill me?
That's right, I spray
people with urine
during sexual encounters.
Surprise, surprise,
right in your eyes.
You're right,
that's much lighter.
[crew laughing]
Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[cheers and applause]
[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
Oh, wow...
Man.
Welcome, welcome to
the Chappelle show , everybody.
Thanks for coming out, man,
I am your, um, host.
[laughs]
You know, I gotta tell y'all,
I just bought
one of the hottest albums
I bought in a long time, man.
That, that Chocolate Factory,
that R. Kelly.
He put it down.
[applause]
I mean, say what you want
to say about his scandal,
but the music is scandal-proof,
you know what I'm saying?
And any real fan of R. Kelly
wouldn't let that scandal
stop him
because if you was paying
attention to his music
all these years,
you might've seen it coming
like I did.
Go ahead, roll that video.
Yeah... it's the R.
40 ounces of malt liquor make me
want to tell you somethin'.
♪ Said rollin' around
Sittin' on dubs ♪
♪ Countin' the hours
High on shrubs ♪
♪ Coolin' in my escalade ♪
♪ Man, I'm paid
I got it made ♪
♪ Take me to
Your special place ♪
♪ Close your eyes
Show me your face ♪
♪ I'm gonna piss on it ♪
♪ Haters wanna hate
Lovers wanna love ♪
♪ I don't even want
None of the above ♪
♪ I want to piss on you
Yes, I do ♪
♪ I'll piss on you
I'll pee on you ♪
♪ Said your body
Your body ♪
♪ Is a port-a-potty ♪
♪ I'ma pee out kick ♪
♪ I can use karate
Use karate ♪
♪ I'ma pee on you ♪
♪ Drip, drip, drip
Pee on you ♪
♪ Pour on you ♪
♪ Piss on you
Piss on you ♪
♪ You'll never feel
Quite the same ♪
♪ When you get a whiff
Of my Hershey stains ♪
♪ I wanna poop on you too ♪
♪ I want to
Pee in your food ♪
♪ Only thing
To make my life complete ♪
♪ Is when I turn your face
Into a toilet seat ♪
♪ I want to pee on you ♪
♪ Yes, I do
Yes, I do ♪
♪ I'll pee on you
I'll piss on you ♪
♪ Haters wanna hate
Lovers wanna love ♪
♪ I don't even want
None of the above ♪
♪ I want to piss on you
Yes, I do ♪
♪ I'll piss on you
I'll pee on you ♪
♪ Won't you braid my hair ♪
♪ Say, won't you braid my hair ♪
♪ Before you start
I'm gonna fart ♪
♪ I'm gonna fart on you ♪
[applause and cheers]
Oh!
Boy, that R. Kelly can make
a love song about anything,
can't he?
Now, a lot of you
might be wondering,
"Dave, how are you
gonna follow that?"
How else?
Make some noise,
ladies and gentlemen,
for Paul Mooney's, time for,
"Ask a Black Dude."
Are all their dicks really big?
Or are some small, some big?
Is it a mixed bag,
or do we just assume
they're all hung like horses?
Brothers are packing,
they seem to be packing.
I guess that's
the way of the world.
That's why you have
so many mixed couples.
White girl ain't that crazy.
How's the old saying go?
"Once you go black,
you don't come back"?
You go white,
you go running back to black.
Ain't that the way it goes?
It happens that way.
Wasn't Mariah Carey
married to a white man?
And then they divorced...
She was humping on black chairs,
she went crazy
when she got away from him.
Okay, I've always wondered
why black guys
shave their heads.
I mean, it just seems
that they have great hair,
and I could never figure out
why so many of them
shave their heads.
It's just a fad.
Now, white folks wear
bald heads, too.
You know they ain't gonna
let a nigga have nothing.
We wore naturals,
they took that,
they take everything.
They took Tina Turner.
They took Michael Jackson.
They took James Brown...
They gave him back.
Who else they take?
Lionel Richie.
Oh, they'll take stuff from you.
They will take, they won't
let us have too much fun.
That's what I told
some black people
the other night
at my show.
I said,
"Don't get too fond of me
'cause white folks'll come in
and take me."
They only want niggas
to have a little bit of fun.
I get to talking some mess
on your show,
they'll take your show,
they'll fix you, too.
Woo!
That Paul Mooney is something!
I can't believe this is
actually happening.
R. Kelly actually sent over
the Piss On You remix.
-[man] What?
-I'm serious!
For real, look!
[narration]
Normally I don't do this,
but I'ma hit y'all off with
a little taste of the remix.
Y'all ready? Here we go.
♪ I pick you up
From the club ♪
♪ Take you home
To make some love ♪
♪ Got a surprise
Close your eyes ♪
♪ I'm gonna
Cover you with suds ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you
Some poo-poo ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you
Some pee-pee ♪
♪ I'm gonna give you
Some doo-doo ♪
♪ Wash it down
With some wee-wee ♪
♪ This is the remix edition
Of the song about pissin' ♪
♪ I got that peein'
Leakin', reekin' ♪
♪ And there's juice
In the kitchen ♪
Yeah... that's how
it goes at an R. Kelly party.
♪ I sip cris'... ♪
♪ You drink piss. ♪
I Wanna Piss On You remix.
You heard?
You know, I'm serious.
I really do want to piss on you.
[applause]
We'll take a quick
commercial break.
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
♪ Chappelle's Show
Ow ♪
Hey, gang.
Boy, so much to talk
about tonight.
I've been watching
the, The History Channel a lot.
The History Channel,
it gives you perspective
on a lot of things.
For instance, gang violence
is something that I never
really understood.
And then I was watching
The History Channel
and they just came with it, man.
They really enlightened me.
[host] Welcome to
"The World's Greatest Wars."
We've reviewed the civil war,
World War II and the Gulf War.
But now, we turn your attention
to a classic war
that took place right here
on American soil.
For the last 20 years,
on Chicago's south side,
a violent war has been waged
between two bitter enemies,
the 19th Street Gangsters
and The River Terrace Crew.
The war began in 1982
over a pair of basketball shoes.
But not just
any basketball shoes.
These... were Nikes.
"Ay, dog, ay,"
Earl The Snake White
called out
after a rival member
of the 19th Street Gangsters,
General Cornrow Wallace,
made minor contact
with his shoes.
Ay!
Ay, dog, ay.
You stepped on my sneaker, man!
The Snake knew then that
he would have to fight him.
Aah!
Ah, aah!
What you got?
Oh! Aah!
[mocking] Aah! Aah!
Get that shit off my sneakers!
[clucking, cooing]
[narrator] The Snake was down,
but not out.
He returned to the crew's
clubhouse
and rallied the troops
with a most impassioned speech.
[man] Some mark-ass trick just
stepped on my sneakers
and poured Morton salt
all over 'em.
Are y'all ready to ride?
Robble, robble.
[all] Robble, robble!
Let's ride on these fools
at their own barbecue.
[narrator] Wasting no time,
the crew commenced
stomping on people's sneakers
to let them know
who ran the projects.
General Cornrow Wallace
pulled out a gun--
unheard of, at that point,
in street fighting.
[gunshot]
A resident called 911
immediately.
Police showed up promptly
four hours later.
Cornrow was sentenced
to seven years in prison.
His time there would be
formative, to say the least.
[clucking, cooing]
His roommate in jail was
a man named Tyrone Biggums,
who regaled cornrow with stories
of a new way to make cocaine.
It's called crack!
It's great!
And it's so simple to make!
All you need is some cocaine
and some baking soda...
And I think I tasted
egg and cinnamon.
Whoever sells it is
gonna be rich!
Cornrow immediately alerted his
friends on the outside
via a letter.
[man reading slowly] "Yo.
Y'all niggers need
to cook up cocaine
with... ba-king powder
and sell it.
All the best, Cornrow-up.
P.S."
[coos]
[narrator] They immediately
started cooking the stuff up
and selling it on what little
space they still controlled.
They had made hundreds
of thousands of dollars
in mere weeks.
In no time, snake and his crew
followed suit.
The money made fueled what
became a heated arms race
between the two groups.
[gunshots]
[explosion, snake laughs]
The violence escalated
every year,
finally peaking in 1989
when the 19th Street Gangsters
sustained a massive loss
at the battle of
the Kool Moe Dee concert,
which took place at...
A Kool Moe Dee concert.
Newly released from prison,
revered general cornrow Wallace
was shot dead.
The funeral was somber
and filled with cornrow's
signature bird call.
[all cooing]
The funeral passed
without incident
but what the crew did next
appalled even the hardest thugs.
The crew went to the graveyard
and dug up
General Cornrow Wallace's body,
absconding with it
to their hideout.
The incident was videotaped
and sent to members
of the 19th Street Gangsters.
Hey, fool, we got your leader.
Look at us.
High five!
Look at these pretty clothes
there.
Get his shoes,
look at them pretty shoes!
Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em.
♪ Robble, robble
Robble, robble ♪
Tensions between the gangsters
and the 19th Street crew
rage to this day.
Most of the original members
of the gangs
are either dead or in jail.
But we did speak to one member,
Earl The Snake White.
Ironically, he now works
at a Friendly Shoe Source
in a strip mall
on the exact location
where the cardinal projects
once stood.
All right!
[narrator] Snake, knowing what
you do now, was it all worth it?
Yeah, it was a tragedy!
Can you repeat the question?
For The History Channel,
I'm Jeff Frankel.
Good night.
[applause]
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break,
but we'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
So don't go anywhere.
Ha-ha, go ahead!
Hey, gang, welcome back.
Welcome back.
So here at Chappelle's Show
we like to show people
the real versions of movies.
Okay, so I got
another one for you.
Today we're gonna do
Deep Impact.
I don't know if you've seen it.
This was where Morgan Freeman
was the Black president.
An asteroid was speeding
towards Earth,
and he had to figure out a way
to solve the problem
and save humanity!
I wonder what would
really happen, hmm?
Please be seated.
Hello, America.
As you all know, there's
an asteroid the size of Maine
speeding towards earth
as we speak.
I'd like to take a moment
out of the day to, uh,
address the allegations that
this is somehow my fault.
Firstly I'd like to say
that these allegations are
absolutely and 100% false.
Secondly, and most importantly,
I'd like to say that you
motherfuckers disgust me!
You're goddamn right I said it.
If you knew
just one of the things
I was sworn to secrecy to,
you would buckle
under the goddamn pressure.
[all] Mr. President!
Mr. President!
Like what?
How about this.
I have here in my hand
the cure for aids.
We've had this for 25 years.
Have a great weekend.
Did I shock you?
Are you crazy yet?
Well, I have somebody
I'd like you to meet.
Come on up here, Paula.
America, I'd like you to
meet my good friend Paula.
And here's Paula again.
And here's Paula one more time.
We cloned these three bitches
in a laboratory in Seattle
some 19-odd years ago.
Not only that, we added
a pinch of black genes
so that they could
do things like this.
Hit it, girls.
♪ Running through
the raindrops ♪
♪ Wishing that you
won't stop-- ♪
That'll be enough,
thank you very much.
All right, baby.
Oh, hold on, Paula.
It's the cure for aids.
Sorry about last night.
Freaked out yet?
Have I blown your mind?
Or you think you can
still handle my job?
Because if you're cocky and you
think you got hold of this,
I got some more information
for you.
Would you like to know
who killed Kennedy?
[man] Yeah. Who killed Kennedy?
You ready for the truth,
America?
Here it comes.
Oswald killed Kennedy.
That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald
killed John F. Kennedy,
alone and by himself.
With a magic bullet.
That's right, the bullet was
actually magical,
magic does exist.
We've known about this
for some 2,000 years.
I'm not finished yet,
I have some more information
that might startle you.
The R. Kelly sex tape.
That wasn't R. Kelly, it was me.
That's right,
I urinate on people
when I have sex with them.
I'm a disgusting human being
and I apologize
to the people
who I've hurt and peed on.
Bet I blew your mind
right there, didn't I?
I'm really on a roll
and I don't care
because the world's
going to end any day now.
So I might as well introduce you
to a good friend of mine,
Bibble.
Bibble, come on up.
[man] Oh my God!
Is that an alien?
America, this is Bibble.
Bibble is a space creature
that lives very far away
in a galaxy called Nebulon Five.
And he is solely responsible
for the wave of technology
we've seen
over the last few decades:
Cell phones, pagers,
PlayStation 1 and 2.
You might think
it was the Japanese
who are responsible,
but anyone in the know knows
that it was Bibble, fo' shizzle
and all 'bout Bibble.
'Cause only Bibble can keep it
so real.
Hey, uh, Bibble, is
the spaceship ready?
-[Electronic voice] Aye, aye.
-I'm ready to get out of here.
Okay, me and Bibble
are about to leave,
but before we go
I just want to say,
there's no hope
for the planet earth.
There's no way to stop
the asteroid
and you're all gonna die.
Everyone except for me.
And of course, Bibble,
who's been so kind to let me
accompany him on his spaceship.
And I'm bringing those
three cloned white women
with me.
Good-bye, America.
I hope you all die
in a fiery death
when the meteor
hits next Tuesday.
Come on, Bibble,
let's get out of here.
[man] Oh, my God!
Aye, aye.
[applause]
All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
But please, don't go anywhere
'cause we'll be right back.
Look at that.
♪ Turn on your TV
what you gonna see? ♪
I would like to thank
the studio audience.
I would like to thank you
at home.
You see, because I keep saying--
-Hi.
-Hey, what's up, man?
We just got a call,
looks like you're having
a lot of fun out here.
Just having a blast, baby.
Yeah, we, uh,
we are the white guys.
And we've come
to take over your show.
What do you mean, are you--?
Well, we already got
Paul Mooney.
-Now we gotta take you.
-You took Paul?
Yeah-- oh, and by the way,
could you people
stack the chairs
on the way out, please?
Thank you so much.
Hey, wait a minute, wait.
Get a picture of me
and David before we go.
Oh, sure, sure.
Yeah, my daughter's gonna
love this.
Oh, Hannah, yeah?
My daughter thinks
you're really funny.
Okay, we got him now, huh?
Is this still live?
Can we cut that?
Yeah, the Mike's on--
but, hey, hold on there--
Come on, let's go.
Help!
Help!
What y'all clapping for? Help!
Watch your step.
This ain't no skit, bitch, help!
I'm rich, biatch!
[horn honks]
Hi, thank you!
Good night, Cornrow Wallace.
Watch out for the wolves.
Is it mornin' yet?
I pee on people when
I have sex with them.
[laughs]
Can I say "pee on people"
or is standards gonna kill me?
That's right, I spray
people with urine
during sexual encounters.
Surprise, surprise,
right in your eyes.
You're right,
that's much lighter.
[crew laughing]