Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 26, Episode 1 - Episode #26.1 - full transcript
Hi, hi.
So, we're finally back.
We've had some ups,
we've had some downs,
but we are back to bring
some joy into your lives.
And I tell you who else is back.
The Celebrity Juice audience.
All right!
There they are, yeah!
Boosh!
Yes!
Hurrah!
MUSIC: 'On Top Of The World'
by Imagine Dragons
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're here for you.
We're here for you.
And you.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Emily Atack.
CHEERING
Thank you.
Who's on your team?
Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this.
To my right,
he's the chat show boss.
It's the legend, Jonathan Ross.
MUSIC: 'You're The Best Around'
by Joe Esposito
CHEERING
And to my left,
she's one 'ell of a woman.
It's the gorgeous Ella Henderson.
CHEERING
MUSIC: 'Ghost'
by Ella Henderson
Oh, let's meet our other
team captain. It's Laura Whitmore.
MUSIC: 'Good 4 U'
by Olivia Rodrigo
Who's on your team?
OK, I'm very excited about this.
To my left, a man who knows his way
around a pair of glitter balls.
The one and only
Craig Revel Horwood, everyone.
STRICTLY COME DANCING MUSIC PLAYS
CHEERING
And...
to my right, he's Narstie by name,
but so nice by nature.
The one and only the Big Narstie.
MUSIC: 'Push The Feeling'
by Nightcrawlers and John Reid
CHEERING
Because you're back here tonight,
I wanna give you a gift.
I'm gonna release the gift
for you right now.
I've got the button here
that releases the gift.
Are you ready?
It looks like a massive clitoris,
doesn't it?
OK, are you ready for your gift?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Put your hands up.
CHEERING
Crisps!
Crisps for you all!
Crisps for everyone.
MUSIC: 'My Heart Will Go On'
by Celine Dion
# You're here
# There's nothing I fear
# And I know... #
Hey, it's Jonathan Ross, everyone.
How you doing? How you doing?
You're one of my biggest
inspirations in television.
That's very nice.
So, I thought,
"Wouldn't it be great
if there was two of you here?"
Oh, God.
And we have booked
a celebrity lookalike tonight.
It's the world's best
Wonathan Woss lookalike.
Wonathan Woss?
Wonathan Woss.
Wonathan Woss.
And he's sat in the audience
and I'm gonna give you a point
for your team
if you can spot him.
Here's some binoculars.
LAUGHTER
I know you can't see so far,
you're getting on a bit.
I can't see so far.
So, I've got to spot someone...
See if you can spot
the lookalike Wonathan Woss.
You can see what he's looking at.
Have you found him?
No.
LAUGHTER
No, that's David Baddiel.
LAUGHTER
That's The Rock.
Who are we looking for?
LAUGHTER
Jonathan's lookalike, Wonathan Woss.
OK, Jonathan can't find you,
so will the real Wonathan Woss
please stand up?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Your show's so lit,
your show's so lit.
# Ella, Ella, Ella, eh, eh, eh. #
Not one of your songs,
but it is Ella Henderson, everyone.
CHEERING
How's it going? Thanks for coming
on Celebrity Juice.
Thanks for having me.
Are you well?
I'm good, thank you.
What are you up to? I'm releasing
new music. The album's out soon.
You've got a new album.
Here it is in physical format.
CHEERING
Everything I Didn't Say.
What is the message?
I knew this was gonna happen.
No, no, what did you say then?
A lot of things
I haven't said before.
What's some of those things,
so we can get an exclusive?
Heartbreak...
You said heartbreak,
or you didn't say heartbreak?
What is something
you've never said before?
Have you ever said
the c-word on telly?
No, and I don't plan on.
Where are you from?
Go on, call him a BLEEP.
Grimsby.
Grimsby?
When you say "couldn't",
what do you say?
I can't.
You say what?
LAUGHTER
You're a BLEEP.
Yes!
There's a point for your team.
You can have a point for your team.
Big Narstie, apparently,
you've got a phobia of kissing.
Oh, it sucks, man.
I tell you what, Narstie,
I'm all about helping people
with their fears,
so I'm gonna help you get over
your fear of kissing tonight,
by simply just kissing.
No, it's all right.
Come here, Narstie.
LAUGHTER
Don't shake your head. Fucking hell!
LAUGHTER
Let's start with something simple.
Just kiss a shoe.
You're all right.
Point for your team, kiss a shoe.
Come on.
We need points.
We need a point, come on.
I can't do that.
Point for your team.
MUSIC: 'Lady In Red'
by Chris de Burgh
LAUGHTER
How about kissing a jammy doughnut?
MUSIC: 'I Want To Know What Love Is'
by Foreigner
Come on, Narstie, you've got this.
Ooh, look at him fighting the fear.
He's fighting the fear.
Fight the fear, fight the fear.
Kiss it.
Oh!
Oh, he kissed a doughnut.
BELL PINGS
MUSIC: 'Lady In Red'
by Chris de Burgh
You know the song
Lady In Red there?
What about
the lady that is bread?
LAUGHTER
There she is.
MUSIC: 'You're Beautiful'
by James Blunt
She is pretty.
"Narstie, I like you.
"I wanna take this relationship
further."
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God.
MUSIC: 'I Want To Know What Love Is'
by Foreigner
Oh, God, forgive me.
LAUGHTER
Jonathan. Yes.
Who was your favourite guest
on your chat show last year?
ALARM RINGS
Last year?
Oh, what's that?
Smoke alarm.
I know that sound anywhere.
LAUGHTER
ALARM CONTINUES
What is that?
Useless prick!
What did he do?
What's happened?
A security guard has fallen asleep.
Because it's the first time
with an audience,
there was an abundance of people
that wanted to come.
Apparently it was...
What was the figure again?
20,000 people tried to get in today.
We've got a picture.
Let's have a look.
Look at the queue there, man.
Apparently, some audience members
have sneaked in,
so we're gonna devise this
into a game.
Cool.
I would like Big Narstie
and Wonathan Woss to play this.
Yeah.
Are you up for it?
Yeah.
OK, let's play.
So, as you can see,
I'm here with Narstie and Mr Ross.
They've got these large nets
which will hopefully catch
the audience members
that couldn't get in
and have sneaked in,
sneaked-ed-ed in.
Snuck.
Can you wear this Child Catcher hat?
Fuck off! Why would I?
LAUGHTER
You won't be catching children.
Why would I wanna put that on?
So, you've got an allotted time
to catch as many audience members
as you can.
Catch them in your net
and win a point.
Go on the sound of the klaxon.
Can I whip it over their head?
KLAXON
Go, go!
Come on, Narstie. Come on, Narstie.
NARSTIE SHRIEKS
OK, we're outside studio eight.
Can you see any audience members
out there?
Hang on, here's one.
Oh, there's someone disguised
as a carpet.
A-ha, a-ha.
I've got him, I've got him.
I got him first.
Jonathan got the first one.
Oi, oi, oi.
Who's there?
Let's get mad on guys.
Ha, there's one.
BUZZER
That's the actual cleaner.
That is the actual cleaner,
Jonathan.
I do apologise.
Try Emily's dressing room.
A-ha! Oh, God in heaven!
You caught someone in here?
We're inside Emily Atack's
dressing room.
EMILY: No, that is not my...
That's her new boyfriend.
LAUGHTER
I need help. Keep him away from me.
Poor guy. You're on your own!
HE LAUGHS
Hey, I just whopped him
with my stick.
He was pube-free!
Jonathan, there's more! Go, go, go!
I brought my thing,
so I just got to beat you
with my stick if I catch you.
Argh!
Oh, Jesus.
Net him, net him.
Get him! Get him, Jonathan.
He's got him, he's got him.
Got him.
He's got him.
Hey, did you beat him?
Did you whack him with the stick?
I whacked him.
What's going on there?
Oh, shit,
is that two people making out?
What the hell is that?
They are, look at them...
Wow.
Have some of that.
Dirty pigs!
Have some of that.
Have some of that.
He's got them, he's got them.
That's it. Back to the studio.
Jonathan and Big Narstie, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
Take your time.
I enjoyed that.
APPLAUSE
And the scores
at the end of that round are...
Ka-ching!
Hey, tippy, tappy,
tippy, tappy, toe.
Tap, tap, tippy, tippy,
tap, tap, toe.
Tappy, tippy, tappy, tippy, tippy,
tap, tap, tip.
Tip, tap, tippy, tap...
LAUGHTER
Craig Revel Horwood.
Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Craig, you're getting married?
Yeah, I'm engaged.
Are you doing all the plans
and organising?
Yeah, planning that for hopefully
the next year or the year after.
What sort...?
In a castle or something?
No, I'm not having a castle,
darling.
I'm having something
intimate and small.
What about getting married in a
haunted house? That'd be exciting.
Hmm... No.
GHOSTLY WAILING
If a ghost came near,
you would dance it away.
You'd use the power of dance
to get rid of the ghost.
I would.
GHOSTLY WAILING
Craig, dance it away.
Dance it away.
This is exactly what I don't want.
Dance it away.
I was gonna say, do a Charleston.
Push away, push away,
push away, push away.
LAUGHTER
That's what I'd do.
Ooh.
Dance it away, get rid of it!
It's not gone.
Ha!
Push away, push away.
Shimmy, shimmy...
BELL PINGS
Craig Revel Horwood,
the ghostbuster.
APPLAUSE
Kiss it.
LAUGHTER
Jonathan, do you know why,
in the stock exchange,
they use the term FTSE?
Financial Times Stock Exchange?
No, I think, actually, what it is,
it's a game that they play
when they come in pissed after doing
really well the day before.
Do you wanna play it?
Yes.
Yes, great, let's play.
Sell, buy, sell! Sell, buy!
Oh, sorry,
we're just talking business,
we're just talking business
cos we're here,
at the London Stock Exchange HQ.
I tell you what's gonna happen
in this game.
I'll put a product
underneath the desk
and you have to give me the ID
of that product,
because you will, indeed,
be wearing these blindfolds.
OK. For every one you get right,
you'll win a point.
But not only that,
you'll get to keep that item.
Stop it.
Yeah, you're gonna win
an actual prize.
Your feet are quite smooth,
they're quite nice.
Yours are rough as...
Have you cleaned them, Jonathan?
I have.
I don't always wash that often.
I mean, I have this time.
You dirty pig.
Oh, stop it!
Argh!
Argh! Black fluff!
CRAIG SHRIEKS
Jesus Christ,
you've got half a scarf
in between your toes.
Kiss my fluff, Horwood.
Ella, you hate feet, don't you?
I hate feet. It's like...
KEITH RETCHES
You've got a bit of fluff
in your feet.
For you guys at home,
this is what the item is. Oops.
I'm going to be feeling
whatever that little small thing is?
It fucking stinks under here.
OK, I think I've got an idea
what it is.
It's a bucket filled with something
like fish or...
Eurgh!
..fish or chicken.
Craig, what are you saying?
Eurgh, something just leaked on me.
Eurgh!
Sorry about that, Craig.
Well, there's no points there.
It was a soiled potted plant.
Just a potted plant.
How amazing that our feet lied
to us.
Ready for the next item?
Yes, please.
ELLA RETCHES
For you guys at home,
this is what it is.
ELLA: Oh, my God,
I can't even watch.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Sounds like it's gonna be nice.
Right, feel away, feel away.
GROANING
Fuck, I'm fucking going in,
I don't care.
I've gone in. It's disgusting.
I quite like it. I bet you'd pay
good money for this at a spa.
It's tomato...
Am I right, it's got a tomato smell?
It's got a tomato smell.
Oh, prawn cocktail.
Prawn cocktail, yes.
BELL PINGS
Ah.
In Rose Marie sauce!
Point for Jonathan Ross, and you get
to keep that prawn cocktail
and take it home.
I'll be honest with you,
I would still eat that.
LAUGHTER
Cos that is fucking delicious.
Jonathan and Craig, everyone.
Well done.
What a waste.
Sell, buy, sell! Sell, buy!
Next up, it's our team captains,
Laura and Emily.
MUSIC: 'Move Your Feet'
by Junior Senior
Do you have any issues
with your feet?
I hate feet. Feet aren't nice.
Let me have a look at your feet.
She's put on a toe ring
for the occasion.
You've got lovely feet.
Do I?
Look at that.
Stop!
People actually think
that's my feet.
I'm fucking single. You're gonna
make this so much worse.
Oh, my God!
You never told me
you had no toenail.
That's disgusting.
Put your blindfolds on.
Oh, my God!
Oh, it's like a tiny,
fucked up Yorkshire pudding.
Shut the fuck up.
Right, I'm getting the object.
Oh, God!
NARSTIE GROANS
I fucking hate this game!
We haven't started it yet.
It's gonna be all right.
Get that dirty toe away from me.
THEY SHRIEK
I hate this.
OK, off you go.
Oh.
No, hang on, where...?
LAUGHTER
Hang on, where the fuck are we...?
Laura, share it.
No!
What's going on?
I quite like it.
It feels like...
What's going on?
I can't feel anything.
EMILY SHRIEKS
What the fuck is that?
No! No, this is fucking horrible.
LAURA: Wait, what's that?
Bad! You're a bad man.
What is it?
I don't know.
It's puddingy.
Yeah.
AS LAURA: Puddingy.
LAUGHTER
Fuck off, thick toe!
LAUGHTER
The whole time,
I've been thinking
there was something over here.
That is Emily's toe,
small and sticky.
Oh, my God, I thought your toes
were someone licking me.
That's why I was freaking out.
LAUGHTER
That's why I was freaking out.
Why would someone be licking you
underneath the table?
A cakey, round...
Cakey, round, doughy,
circular thing.
There's a few of them on a plate.
I'll give you that. A Belgian bun.
Yeah!
BELL PINGS
APPLAUSE
Emily, you can win that point
off of Laura
if you suck that Belgian bun
off her toe.
I'll do it for a bottle of vodka.
Whoa, whoa.
Will I get a bottle of vodka
and a point for my team?
You want them as well?
Yeah, if I get the same?
Hold on, I've just got to talk
to the guys at home.
Go, Laura.
I'm getting a point for our team.
If you're a foot fetish person
and, you know, you've used
everything up on Pornhub,
erm, your parents have gone out
and you wanna enjoy yourself,
get some tissues now,
because for a bottle of vodka
and two points,
Emily is gonna suck Laura's toes.
Exciting times.
I did that, Uncle Keith.
That's for you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
She'll do anything for points.
Hey!
Which toe? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Which toe would you like?
OK.
Mail Online, thank me for this.
MUSIC: 'Lady In Red'
by Chris de Burgh
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SHRIEKING
BELL PINGS
That's a bottle of vodka
and a point for your team.
MUSIC: 'All Of Me'
by John Legend
# All of me
Loves all of you
# Love your curves
And all your edges...#
Emily and Laura, everyone!
Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores
at the end of that round are...
Sha-ting!
That was horrible.
We're going to an ad break.
We'll see you in three,
I'm off for a wee!
'Coming up after the break...'
CRAIG: Oh!
LAUGHTER
Oh, Christ!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Hurrah!
Are you having a good time?
Yeah.
Are you having a good time?
ALL: Yeah.
Are you having a good time?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jonathan, what you've been
up to recently
is judging on The Masked Singer
and The Masked Dancer.
Yes.
What do you prefer?
They're so different.
I think I prefer Masked Singer
cos there's a lot more to work with,
but Masked Dancer was great.
There were some real surprises,
of course.
Craig was on Masked Dancer.
He was amazing.
I don't know if you saw it.
He was Knickerbocker Glory.
CRAIG: Oh, there she is.
Look at the legs!
Big Narstie,
would you ever go on Masked Singer?
Yeah.
Would you?
Let's see what you would be like on
Masked Singer. Have we got a mask?
You're gonna give me a mask?
Are we gonna do this?
Yes, come on.
Points to me, points to me.
LAUGHTER
Smoke me!
Pop that on.
Let's have a sick beat, let's have
a sick beat, let's have a sick beat.
BEAT STARTS UP
# I like to smoke it, smoke it... #
LAUGHTER
# Do you like to smoke it, smoke it?
# I like to roll it, roll it
# You can't control it, 'trol it. #
Big Narstie, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jonathan, a few years ago,
during lockdown,
I came up with a game
called The Concealed Vocalist.
Hang on!
It's a total original format,
my friend,
a little bit inspired
by the show you do.
Vaguely similar.
Would you like to play with us?
I think I have to say yes.
Yes, you're on Celebrity Juice,
so let's play
The Concealed Vocalist.
# Who are you? Who are you?
Who's that behind the mask? #
Hello and welcome
to The Concealed Vocalist.
What's gonna happen
is a famous person will come out
in total concealment.
They will do some singing,
and all you have to do
is guess who they are.
So, please welcome
Cardboard Box Head.
CHEERING
# Who are you?
# Who are you...?
# Who is that that is concealed? #
In our show,
they have fabulous costumes.
That's just some prick
with a fucking box on his head.
LAUGHTER
Here's some clues.
Cardboard Box Head,
give us the clues.
My birthday is 23rd August.
Somebody with the same name as me
tried to invade England
back in 1459.
Hmm, 1459?
My agent's name is Sue.
LAUGHTER
Ella, any ideas?
I haven't got a clue.
I think I know who it is.
Do you?
OK. Let's have a beat.
SONG: 'Place Your Hands'
# Oh, place your hands
# On my hope... #
This was Reef, wasn't it?
# Run your fingers
# Through my soul
# Oh, and the way
That I feel right now
# Oh, Lord, it may go. #
Cardboard Box Head, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wowee!
I know who it is,
and I still don't know who it is.
Good singing, great vocals.
Very good singing.
Good arms.
I know. Emily loves his arms.
Who do you think it is?
I think it's Adele.
LAUGHTER
Cardboard Box Head,
thumbs up or down
if you are indeed Adele.
Not Adele.
Laura's team, who are you thinking?
When he first walked out,
I thought it was Ed Sheeran.
Craig, if I was honest,
if Ed Sheeran was here,
we'd have him on the panel.
LAUGHTER
And I'd be in the box.
Aw!
You'd be in the box.
I'd be in the box.
Could we see him
without the box on for a second?
Because in my total original format,
we reveal by saying,
"Get it off! Get it off!"
Get it off?
Get it off!
ALL CHANT: Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off!
CHEERING
Ritchie, it's Ritchie from 5ive.
Ritchie, what's going on?
All good, mate.
We've got a new album out.
You've got a new album?
What's it called?
It's called Time.
It's out now?
It's out now.
It's out now. It's called Time.
Go and see 5ive now.
Ritchie, everyone.
APPLAUSE
He hasn't aged, he hasn't aged.
He still looks beautiful.
No points for anyone.
Laura, do you know that we are
trying to make Celebrity Juice
the greenest programme
on television?
How are you doing that?
No chance, mate.
Well, what we're doing is,
we're sending our guests home
on a bus.
Oh.
So, let's play...
..you bastard, you.
MUSIC: 'Stop'
by Spice Girls
Hi, here I am, at the Elstree
and Borehamwood bus stop.
We can see our celebrities
are waiting for the bus here.
They've got their tickets. Jonathan,
you've got your senior citizens...
LAUGHTER
Yeah, fuck you, Lemon!
In this game,
all you've got to do
is hold your tickets
with your foreheads
against the glass,
and if you keep it there,
you'll get five points.
It's so simple. But if you drop it,
we will take a point away from you.
That's all you've got to do.
OK.
Right, let's wait
for this bus to come.
ELLA GIGGLES
Just bought a baguette, me.
I love baguettes.
What's he gonna do?
That's gonna hurt.
Oh, that's a point gone
from Atack.
That hurts.
It's really fucking hard.
SHE SHRIEKS
Argh!
What's all this shit down here?
How is this allowed?
Oh, look, someone's got a spider.
It's a tarantula.
Oh, God.
Tarantula.
I like spiders.
You like spiders?
Not really.
The spider has gone.
Oh, my God. Where is it?
Have you seen the spider?
No, where is it? I'm so scared.
Where is it gonna come from?
EMILY SHRIEKS
Oh, you dropped it,
you dropped it, you dropped it!
Have you ever snogged a man?
Yes.
I haven't. Fancy trying it?
No, I couldn't with you.
MUSIC: 'Lady In Red'
by Chris de Burgh
Fucking hell.
LAUGHTER
HE WHISTLES
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
Oh, look, it's Keith Lemon.
Hey, how's it going?
ELLA SHRIEKS
Fucking hell!
MUSIC: 'Bicycle Race'
by Queen
I should have checked the timetable.
Just waiting here all the time.
What's happening?
Oh, no, no!
I ain't seen your cat, mate, no.
He's lost his cat. Anyhow...
He's gonna wash the window.
Oh, it's up there?
HORN TOOTS
HORN BLARES
Is it up there?
Oh, God.
Well done, Emily's team.
Next up, it's Laura's team.
So, we've got Whitmore's team here.
Right, let's wait
for this bus to come.
Waiting for the bus.
Waiting for the bus.
What's in this bag over here
from the charity shop?
Oh, my God. Oh, my days.
CRAIG LAUGHS
LAUGHTER
Oh!
That's interesting, isn't it?
CRAIG LAUGHS
You can't help but look.
You can't, you can't.
LAUGHTER
You can have that.
You can have that.
I'll give you that.
MUSIC: 'Left Bank Two'
by The Noveltones
LAURA LAUGHS
Big Narstie, pick it up, pick it up.
Oh, no, pick it up.
How did it move?
How did it move? Gravity, gravity.
Andy Murray did well, didn't he?
Mm.
Oh, my God, he's here.
Andy Murray,
I think you're wicked, man.
This is gonna hurt.
Well done.
Oh! Ow!
Fuck!
Craig's dropped his ticket.
That's my natural...
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, he's going.
See you, Andy Murray.
Bye.
APPLAUSE
Oh, have you not found it?
Give me my fucking stick.
Oh, no.
LAUGHTER
You can't find your cat.
Put your signs up.
Well done, Craig.
CRAIG SHRIEKS
Oh, Christ!
CRAIG LAUGHS
I'm just glad he's got his scarf on
cos it's freezing.
Hear no evil, see no evil.
Narstie, Narstie...
Hear no evil, see no evil.
You've got to turn round.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes, N.
Think of Haribo.
Hey, look at that.
Ooh, yeah.
That is volumptuous.
Yeah, volumptuous.
She looks well, doesn't she?
I'll borrow this.
Yeah, you can have that.
I like a mature woman.
Where's he going?
If you're six feet and upwards,
you know what I'm saying.
LAUGHTER
Do you know what I hate
about bus stops,
especially at late night?
Drunk people,
really drunk, pissed up people.
Are you bringing Emily on?
Ooh.
Oh!
Fuck!
LAUGHTER
Oh, I hope he's not sick.
GROANING
Well done, Laura Whitmore's team.
APPLAUSE
And the scores
at the end of that round are...
Pu-king!
We're going to an ad break.
See you in a bit.
Coming up after the break...
Emily, how many times
have you had sex this week?
Four and a thumb.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
There's all to play for
in our final round.
It's the buzzer round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer,
give it a chance anyway and buzz in.
It's a special buzzer round
because Box Head is joining us.
CHEERING
He's making his own team,
he's doing his own thing.
What's your buzzer this week?
BUZZER: 'Cardboard Box's Head team.'
Do you want to take
your box off your head?
I'd love to.
Take it off, Ritchie.
Ritchie from 5ive!
Take it off!
Emily, what's your buzzer this week?
BUZZER: 'Wibbly, wibbly,
wibbly, wibbly, wobbly.'
It's Jonathan Ross,
just wibbling and wobbling around.
OK, Laura,
what's your buzzer this week?
BUZZER: 'Cheese on toast?
Disaster, darling.'
It's Craig Revel Horwood.
Right, OK,
here's your first question.
Which James Bond is this?
Is it A, Sean Connery,
B, Roger Moore...
EMILY'S BUZZER
..or C, Pierce Brosnan?
Pierce Brosnan.
Let's have a look.
BUZZER
LAUGHTER
A point for Ella if she can do
a musical impression of Shakira.
AS SHAKIRA: # Le-lo, lo-le, lo-le
# Le-lo, lo-le, lo-le
# Whenever, wherever... #
BELL PINGS,
APPLAUSE
Another point for Ella if she can do
a musical impression of Celine Dion.
AS CELINE DION: # Near, far
# Wherever you are
# I believe that the heart does
# Go on. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I got goose bumps.
A point for Ella if she can do
a musical impression
of Britney Spears.
What the fuck is this?
LAUGHTER
AS BRITNEY SPEARS:
# My loneliness is killing me
# And I
# I must confess
# I still believe
# Still believe. #
APPLAUSE
BIG NARSTIE: Can I get a point
for ad-lib?
A point to the first person
to name five 5ive songs.
CARDBOARD BOX HEAD'S BUZZER
Oh, that's Ritchie.
Mr Z, Battlestar, Everybody Get Up,
Keep On Movin',
When The Lights Go Out.
Point for your team.
CHEERING
Narstie, what is two plus three?
Huh?
EMILY'S BUZZER
Five.
# Everybody get up... #
It's five.
Ella, how many sides
does a pentagon have?
Five.
That's correct.
# Everybody get up
# Singing one, two
Three, four... #
Emily, how many fingers
do you have on one hand?
Five.
BUZZER
Four and a thumb.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
He got you
with the most basic trick.
Emily, how many times
have you had sex this week?
Four and a thumb.
This is the final question.
You get 100 points
if you get it right.
You'll probably take
the game home with you.
What was the name
of the heavy metal band
Ritchie Neville was in before 5ive?
CARDBOARD BOX HEAD'S BUZZER
Ritchie?
Anal Beard.
Anal Beard!
That is the correct answer.
Anal Beard?
100 points.
You've won 100 points.
KLAXON
I can tell you that the winner
of tonight's Celebrity Juice is...
Ritchie Neville.
Get in!
Cardboard Box Head.
I's Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week,
I'll see you through a window.
Are you gonna sing us out?
Absolutely.
Let's dance!
MUSIC: 'Keep On Movin''
by 5ive
LAURA: Oh, I love this song!
RITCHIE: Come on, people.
# I woke up today with this feelin'
# That better things
Are coming my way
# And if the sunshine has a meaning
# It's telling me
Not to let things get in my way... #
Come on, everybody!
# When the rainy days are dyin'
Gotta keep on, keep on tryin'
# All the bees and birds are flyin'
Ah, ah, a-a-ah
# Never let go, got to hold on and
# Non-stop till the break of dawn
And
# Keep movin', don't stop rockin'
Ah, ah, a-a-ah
# Get on up when you're down
# Baby, take a good look around
# I know it's not much, but it's OK
# We'll keep on movin' on anyway
# When the rainy days are dyin'
Gotta keep on, keep on tryin'
# All the bees and birds are flying
Ah, ah, a-a-ah
# Never let go, got to hold on and
# Non-stop till the break of dawn
And
# Keep movin', don't stop rockin'
Ah, ah, a-a-ah
# Get on up when you're down
# Baby, take a good look around
# I know it's not much, but it's OK
# We'll keep on movin' on... #
Ritchie Neville, everyone.
So, we're finally back.
We've had some ups,
we've had some downs,
but we are back to bring
some joy into your lives.
And I tell you who else is back.
The Celebrity Juice audience.
All right!
There they are, yeah!
Boosh!
Yes!
Hurrah!
MUSIC: 'On Top Of The World'
by Imagine Dragons
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're here for you.
We're here for you.
And you.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Emily Atack.
CHEERING
Thank you.
Who's on your team?
Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this.
To my right,
he's the chat show boss.
It's the legend, Jonathan Ross.
MUSIC: 'You're The Best Around'
by Joe Esposito
CHEERING
And to my left,
she's one 'ell of a woman.
It's the gorgeous Ella Henderson.
CHEERING
MUSIC: 'Ghost'
by Ella Henderson
Oh, let's meet our other
team captain. It's Laura Whitmore.
MUSIC: 'Good 4 U'
by Olivia Rodrigo
Who's on your team?
OK, I'm very excited about this.
To my left, a man who knows his way
around a pair of glitter balls.
The one and only
Craig Revel Horwood, everyone.
STRICTLY COME DANCING MUSIC PLAYS
CHEERING
And...
to my right, he's Narstie by name,
but so nice by nature.
The one and only the Big Narstie.
MUSIC: 'Push The Feeling'
by Nightcrawlers and John Reid
CHEERING
Because you're back here tonight,
I wanna give you a gift.
I'm gonna release the gift
for you right now.
I've got the button here
that releases the gift.
Are you ready?
It looks like a massive clitoris,
doesn't it?
OK, are you ready for your gift?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Put your hands up.
CHEERING
Crisps!
Crisps for you all!
Crisps for everyone.
MUSIC: 'My Heart Will Go On'
by Celine Dion
# You're here
# There's nothing I fear
# And I know... #
Hey, it's Jonathan Ross, everyone.
How you doing? How you doing?
You're one of my biggest
inspirations in television.
That's very nice.
So, I thought,
"Wouldn't it be great
if there was two of you here?"
Oh, God.
And we have booked
a celebrity lookalike tonight.
It's the world's best
Wonathan Woss lookalike.
Wonathan Woss?
Wonathan Woss.
Wonathan Woss.
And he's sat in the audience
and I'm gonna give you a point
for your team
if you can spot him.
Here's some binoculars.
LAUGHTER
I know you can't see so far,
you're getting on a bit.
I can't see so far.
So, I've got to spot someone...
See if you can spot
the lookalike Wonathan Woss.
You can see what he's looking at.
Have you found him?
No.
LAUGHTER
No, that's David Baddiel.
LAUGHTER
That's The Rock.
Who are we looking for?
LAUGHTER
Jonathan's lookalike, Wonathan Woss.
OK, Jonathan can't find you,
so will the real Wonathan Woss
please stand up?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Your show's so lit,
your show's so lit.
# Ella, Ella, Ella, eh, eh, eh. #
Not one of your songs,
but it is Ella Henderson, everyone.
CHEERING
How's it going? Thanks for coming
on Celebrity Juice.
Thanks for having me.
Are you well?
I'm good, thank you.
What are you up to? I'm releasing
new music. The album's out soon.
You've got a new album.
Here it is in physical format.
CHEERING
Everything I Didn't Say.
What is the message?
I knew this was gonna happen.
No, no, what did you say then?
A lot of things
I haven't said before.
What's some of those things,
so we can get an exclusive?
Heartbreak...
You said heartbreak,
or you didn't say heartbreak?
What is something
you've never said before?
Have you ever said
the c-word on telly?
No, and I don't plan on.
Where are you from?
Go on, call him a BLEEP.
Grimsby.
Grimsby?
When you say "couldn't",
what do you say?
I can't.
You say what?
LAUGHTER
You're a BLEEP.
Yes!
There's a point for your team.
You can have a point for your team.
Big Narstie, apparently,
you've got a phobia of kissing.
Oh, it sucks, man.
I tell you what, Narstie,
I'm all about helping people
with their fears,
so I'm gonna help you get over
your fear of kissing tonight,
by simply just kissing.
No, it's all right.
Come here, Narstie.
LAUGHTER
Don't shake your head. Fucking hell!
LAUGHTER
Let's start with something simple.
Just kiss a shoe.
You're all right.
Point for your team, kiss a shoe.
Come on.
We need points.
We need a point, come on.
I can't do that.
Point for your team.
MUSIC: 'Lady In Red'
by Chris de Burgh
LAUGHTER
How about kissing a jammy doughnut?
MUSIC: 'I Want To Know What Love Is'
by Foreigner
Come on, Narstie, you've got this.
Ooh, look at him fighting the fear.
He's fighting the fear.
Fight the fear, fight the fear.
Kiss it.
Oh!
Oh, he kissed a doughnut.
BELL PINGS
MUSIC: 'Lady In Red'
by Chris de Burgh
You know the song
Lady In Red there?
What about
the lady that is bread?
LAUGHTER
There she is.
MUSIC: 'You're Beautiful'
by James Blunt
She is pretty.
"Narstie, I like you.
"I wanna take this relationship
further."
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God.
MUSIC: 'I Want To Know What Love Is'
by Foreigner
Oh, God, forgive me.
LAUGHTER
Jonathan. Yes.
Who was your favourite guest
on your chat show last year?
ALARM RINGS
Last year?
Oh, what's that?
Smoke alarm.
I know that sound anywhere.
LAUGHTER
ALARM CONTINUES
What is that?
Useless prick!
What did he do?
What's happened?
A security guard has fallen asleep.
Because it's the first time
with an audience,
there was an abundance of people
that wanted to come.
Apparently it was...
What was the figure again?
20,000 people tried to get in today.
We've got a picture.
Let's have a look.
Look at the queue there, man.
Apparently, some audience members
have sneaked in,
so we're gonna devise this
into a game.
Cool.
I would like Big Narstie
and Wonathan Woss to play this.
Yeah.
Are you up for it?
Yeah.
OK, let's play.
So, as you can see,
I'm here with Narstie and Mr Ross.
They've got these large nets
which will hopefully catch
the audience members
that couldn't get in
and have sneaked in,
sneaked-ed-ed in.
Snuck.
Can you wear this Child Catcher hat?
Fuck off! Why would I?
LAUGHTER
You won't be catching children.
Why would I wanna put that on?
So, you've got an allotted time
to catch as many audience members
as you can.
Catch them in your net
and win a point.
Go on the sound of the klaxon.
Can I whip it over their head?
KLAXON
Go, go!
Come on, Narstie. Come on, Narstie.
NARSTIE SHRIEKS
OK, we're outside studio eight.
Can you see any audience members
out there?
Hang on, here's one.
Oh, there's someone disguised
as a carpet.
A-ha, a-ha.
I've got him, I've got him.
I got him first.
Jonathan got the first one.
Oi, oi, oi.
Who's there?
Let's get mad on guys.
Ha, there's one.
BUZZER
That's the actual cleaner.
That is the actual cleaner,
Jonathan.
I do apologise.
Try Emily's dressing room.
A-ha! Oh, God in heaven!
You caught someone in here?
We're inside Emily Atack's
dressing room.
EMILY: No, that is not my...
That's her new boyfriend.
LAUGHTER
I need help. Keep him away from me.
Poor guy. You're on your own!
HE LAUGHS
Hey, I just whopped him
with my stick.
He was pube-free!
Jonathan, there's more! Go, go, go!
I brought my thing,
so I just got to beat you
with my stick if I catch you.
Argh!
Oh, Jesus.
Net him, net him.
Get him! Get him, Jonathan.
He's got him, he's got him.
Got him.
He's got him.
Hey, did you beat him?
Did you whack him with the stick?
I whacked him.
What's going on there?
Oh, shit,
is that two people making out?
What the hell is that?
They are, look at them...
Wow.
Have some of that.
Dirty pigs!
Have some of that.
Have some of that.
He's got them, he's got them.
That's it. Back to the studio.
Jonathan and Big Narstie, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
Take your time.
I enjoyed that.
APPLAUSE
And the scores
at the end of that round are...
Ka-ching!
Hey, tippy, tappy,
tippy, tappy, toe.
Tap, tap, tippy, tippy,
tap, tap, toe.
Tappy, tippy, tappy, tippy, tippy,
tap, tap, tip.
Tip, tap, tippy, tap...
LAUGHTER
Craig Revel Horwood.
Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Craig, you're getting married?
Yeah, I'm engaged.
Are you doing all the plans
and organising?
Yeah, planning that for hopefully
the next year or the year after.
What sort...?
In a castle or something?
No, I'm not having a castle,
darling.
I'm having something
intimate and small.
What about getting married in a
haunted house? That'd be exciting.
Hmm... No.
GHOSTLY WAILING
If a ghost came near,
you would dance it away.
You'd use the power of dance
to get rid of the ghost.
I would.
GHOSTLY WAILING
Craig, dance it away.
Dance it away.
This is exactly what I don't want.
Dance it away.
I was gonna say, do a Charleston.
Push away, push away,
push away, push away.
LAUGHTER
That's what I'd do.
Ooh.
Dance it away, get rid of it!
It's not gone.
Ha!
Push away, push away.
Shimmy, shimmy...
BELL PINGS
Craig Revel Horwood,
the ghostbuster.
APPLAUSE
Kiss it.
LAUGHTER
Jonathan, do you know why,
in the stock exchange,
they use the term FTSE?
Financial Times Stock Exchange?
No, I think, actually, what it is,
it's a game that they play
when they come in pissed after doing
really well the day before.
Do you wanna play it?
Yes.
Yes, great, let's play.
Sell, buy, sell! Sell, buy!
Oh, sorry,
we're just talking business,
we're just talking business
cos we're here,
at the London Stock Exchange HQ.
I tell you what's gonna happen
in this game.
I'll put a product
underneath the desk
and you have to give me the ID
of that product,
because you will, indeed,
be wearing these blindfolds.
OK. For every one you get right,
you'll win a point.
But not only that,
you'll get to keep that item.
Stop it.
Yeah, you're gonna win
an actual prize.
Your feet are quite smooth,
they're quite nice.
Yours are rough as...
Have you cleaned them, Jonathan?
I have.
I don't always wash that often.
I mean, I have this time.
You dirty pig.
Oh, stop it!
Argh!
Argh! Black fluff!
CRAIG SHRIEKS
Jesus Christ,
you've got half a scarf
in between your toes.
Kiss my fluff, Horwood.
Ella, you hate feet, don't you?
I hate feet. It's like...
KEITH RETCHES
You've got a bit of fluff
in your feet.
For you guys at home,
this is what the item is. Oops.
I'm going to be feeling
whatever that little small thing is?
It fucking stinks under here.
OK, I think I've got an idea
what it is.
It's a bucket filled with something
like fish or...
Eurgh!
..fish or chicken.
Craig, what are you saying?
Eurgh, something just leaked on me.
Eurgh!
Sorry about that, Craig.
Well, there's no points there.
It was a soiled potted plant.
Just a potted plant.
How amazing that our feet lied
to us.
Ready for the next item?
Yes, please.
ELLA RETCHES
For you guys at home,
this is what it is.
ELLA: Oh, my God,
I can't even watch.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Sounds like it's gonna be nice.
Right, feel away, feel away.
GROANING
Fuck, I'm fucking going in,
I don't care.
I've gone in. It's disgusting.
I quite like it. I bet you'd pay
good money for this at a spa.
It's tomato...
Am I right, it's got a tomato smell?
It's got a tomato smell.
Oh, prawn cocktail.
Prawn cocktail, yes.
BELL PINGS
Ah.
In Rose Marie sauce!
Point for Jonathan Ross, and you get
to keep that prawn cocktail
and take it home.
I'll be honest with you,
I would still eat that.
LAUGHTER
Cos that is fucking delicious.
Jonathan and Craig, everyone.
Well done.
What a waste.
Sell, buy, sell! Sell, buy!
Next up, it's our team captains,
Laura and Emily.
MUSIC: 'Move Your Feet'
by Junior Senior
Do you have any issues
with your feet?
I hate feet. Feet aren't nice.
Let me have a look at your feet.
She's put on a toe ring
for the occasion.
You've got lovely feet.
Do I?
Look at that.
Stop!
People actually think
that's my feet.
I'm fucking single. You're gonna
make this so much worse.
Oh, my God!
You never told me
you had no toenail.
That's disgusting.
Put your blindfolds on.
Oh, my God!
Oh, it's like a tiny,
fucked up Yorkshire pudding.
Shut the fuck up.
Right, I'm getting the object.
Oh, God!
NARSTIE GROANS
I fucking hate this game!
We haven't started it yet.
It's gonna be all right.
Get that dirty toe away from me.
THEY SHRIEK
I hate this.
OK, off you go.
Oh.
No, hang on, where...?
LAUGHTER
Hang on, where the fuck are we...?
Laura, share it.
No!
What's going on?
I quite like it.
It feels like...
What's going on?
I can't feel anything.
EMILY SHRIEKS
What the fuck is that?
No! No, this is fucking horrible.
LAURA: Wait, what's that?
Bad! You're a bad man.
What is it?
I don't know.
It's puddingy.
Yeah.
AS LAURA: Puddingy.
LAUGHTER
Fuck off, thick toe!
LAUGHTER
The whole time,
I've been thinking
there was something over here.
That is Emily's toe,
small and sticky.
Oh, my God, I thought your toes
were someone licking me.
That's why I was freaking out.
LAUGHTER
That's why I was freaking out.
Why would someone be licking you
underneath the table?
A cakey, round...
Cakey, round, doughy,
circular thing.
There's a few of them on a plate.
I'll give you that. A Belgian bun.
Yeah!
BELL PINGS
APPLAUSE
Emily, you can win that point
off of Laura
if you suck that Belgian bun
off her toe.
I'll do it for a bottle of vodka.
Whoa, whoa.
Will I get a bottle of vodka
and a point for my team?
You want them as well?
Yeah, if I get the same?
Hold on, I've just got to talk
to the guys at home.
Go, Laura.
I'm getting a point for our team.
If you're a foot fetish person
and, you know, you've used
everything up on Pornhub,
erm, your parents have gone out
and you wanna enjoy yourself,
get some tissues now,
because for a bottle of vodka
and two points,
Emily is gonna suck Laura's toes.
Exciting times.
I did that, Uncle Keith.
That's for you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
She'll do anything for points.
Hey!
Which toe? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Which toe would you like?
OK.
Mail Online, thank me for this.
MUSIC: 'Lady In Red'
by Chris de Burgh
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SHRIEKING
BELL PINGS
That's a bottle of vodka
and a point for your team.
MUSIC: 'All Of Me'
by John Legend
# All of me
Loves all of you
# Love your curves
And all your edges...#
Emily and Laura, everyone!
Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores
at the end of that round are...
Sha-ting!
That was horrible.
We're going to an ad break.
We'll see you in three,
I'm off for a wee!
'Coming up after the break...'
CRAIG: Oh!
LAUGHTER
Oh, Christ!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Hurrah!
Are you having a good time?
Yeah.
Are you having a good time?
ALL: Yeah.
Are you having a good time?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jonathan, what you've been
up to recently
is judging on The Masked Singer
and The Masked Dancer.
Yes.
What do you prefer?
They're so different.
I think I prefer Masked Singer
cos there's a lot more to work with,
but Masked Dancer was great.
There were some real surprises,
of course.
Craig was on Masked Dancer.
He was amazing.
I don't know if you saw it.
He was Knickerbocker Glory.
CRAIG: Oh, there she is.
Look at the legs!
Big Narstie,
would you ever go on Masked Singer?
Yeah.
Would you?
Let's see what you would be like on
Masked Singer. Have we got a mask?
You're gonna give me a mask?
Are we gonna do this?
Yes, come on.
Points to me, points to me.
LAUGHTER
Smoke me!
Pop that on.
Let's have a sick beat, let's have
a sick beat, let's have a sick beat.
BEAT STARTS UP
# I like to smoke it, smoke it... #
LAUGHTER
# Do you like to smoke it, smoke it?
# I like to roll it, roll it
# You can't control it, 'trol it. #
Big Narstie, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jonathan, a few years ago,
during lockdown,
I came up with a game
called The Concealed Vocalist.
Hang on!
It's a total original format,
my friend,
a little bit inspired
by the show you do.
Vaguely similar.
Would you like to play with us?
I think I have to say yes.
Yes, you're on Celebrity Juice,
so let's play
The Concealed Vocalist.
# Who are you? Who are you?
Who's that behind the mask? #
Hello and welcome
to The Concealed Vocalist.
What's gonna happen
is a famous person will come out
in total concealment.
They will do some singing,
and all you have to do
is guess who they are.
So, please welcome
Cardboard Box Head.
CHEERING
# Who are you?
# Who are you...?
# Who is that that is concealed? #
In our show,
they have fabulous costumes.
That's just some prick
with a fucking box on his head.
LAUGHTER
Here's some clues.
Cardboard Box Head,
give us the clues.
My birthday is 23rd August.
Somebody with the same name as me
tried to invade England
back in 1459.
Hmm, 1459?
My agent's name is Sue.
LAUGHTER
Ella, any ideas?
I haven't got a clue.
I think I know who it is.
Do you?
OK. Let's have a beat.
SONG: 'Place Your Hands'
# Oh, place your hands
# On my hope... #
This was Reef, wasn't it?
# Run your fingers
# Through my soul
# Oh, and the way
That I feel right now
# Oh, Lord, it may go. #
Cardboard Box Head, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wowee!
I know who it is,
and I still don't know who it is.
Good singing, great vocals.
Very good singing.
Good arms.
I know. Emily loves his arms.
Who do you think it is?
I think it's Adele.
LAUGHTER
Cardboard Box Head,
thumbs up or down
if you are indeed Adele.
Not Adele.
Laura's team, who are you thinking?
When he first walked out,
I thought it was Ed Sheeran.
Craig, if I was honest,
if Ed Sheeran was here,
we'd have him on the panel.
LAUGHTER
And I'd be in the box.
Aw!
You'd be in the box.
I'd be in the box.
Could we see him
without the box on for a second?
Because in my total original format,
we reveal by saying,
"Get it off! Get it off!"
Get it off?
Get it off!
ALL CHANT: Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off!
CHEERING
Ritchie, it's Ritchie from 5ive.
Ritchie, what's going on?
All good, mate.
We've got a new album out.
You've got a new album?
What's it called?
It's called Time.
It's out now?
It's out now.
It's out now. It's called Time.
Go and see 5ive now.
Ritchie, everyone.
APPLAUSE
He hasn't aged, he hasn't aged.
He still looks beautiful.
No points for anyone.
Laura, do you know that we are
trying to make Celebrity Juice
the greenest programme
on television?
How are you doing that?
No chance, mate.
Well, what we're doing is,
we're sending our guests home
on a bus.
Oh.
So, let's play...
..you bastard, you.
MUSIC: 'Stop'
by Spice Girls
Hi, here I am, at the Elstree
and Borehamwood bus stop.
We can see our celebrities
are waiting for the bus here.
They've got their tickets. Jonathan,
you've got your senior citizens...
LAUGHTER
Yeah, fuck you, Lemon!
In this game,
all you've got to do
is hold your tickets
with your foreheads
against the glass,
and if you keep it there,
you'll get five points.
It's so simple. But if you drop it,
we will take a point away from you.
That's all you've got to do.
OK.
Right, let's wait
for this bus to come.
ELLA GIGGLES
Just bought a baguette, me.
I love baguettes.
What's he gonna do?
That's gonna hurt.
Oh, that's a point gone
from Atack.
That hurts.
It's really fucking hard.
SHE SHRIEKS
Argh!
What's all this shit down here?
How is this allowed?
Oh, look, someone's got a spider.
It's a tarantula.
Oh, God.
Tarantula.
I like spiders.
You like spiders?
Not really.
The spider has gone.
Oh, my God. Where is it?
Have you seen the spider?
No, where is it? I'm so scared.
Where is it gonna come from?
EMILY SHRIEKS
Oh, you dropped it,
you dropped it, you dropped it!
Have you ever snogged a man?
Yes.
I haven't. Fancy trying it?
No, I couldn't with you.
MUSIC: 'Lady In Red'
by Chris de Burgh
Fucking hell.
LAUGHTER
HE WHISTLES
BICYCLE BELL RINGS
Oh, look, it's Keith Lemon.
Hey, how's it going?
ELLA SHRIEKS
Fucking hell!
MUSIC: 'Bicycle Race'
by Queen
I should have checked the timetable.
Just waiting here all the time.
What's happening?
Oh, no, no!
I ain't seen your cat, mate, no.
He's lost his cat. Anyhow...
He's gonna wash the window.
Oh, it's up there?
HORN TOOTS
HORN BLARES
Is it up there?
Oh, God.
Well done, Emily's team.
Next up, it's Laura's team.
So, we've got Whitmore's team here.
Right, let's wait
for this bus to come.
Waiting for the bus.
Waiting for the bus.
What's in this bag over here
from the charity shop?
Oh, my God. Oh, my days.
CRAIG LAUGHS
LAUGHTER
Oh!
That's interesting, isn't it?
CRAIG LAUGHS
You can't help but look.
You can't, you can't.
LAUGHTER
You can have that.
You can have that.
I'll give you that.
MUSIC: 'Left Bank Two'
by The Noveltones
LAURA LAUGHS
Big Narstie, pick it up, pick it up.
Oh, no, pick it up.
How did it move?
How did it move? Gravity, gravity.
Andy Murray did well, didn't he?
Mm.
Oh, my God, he's here.
Andy Murray,
I think you're wicked, man.
This is gonna hurt.
Well done.
Oh! Ow!
Fuck!
Craig's dropped his ticket.
That's my natural...
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, he's going.
See you, Andy Murray.
Bye.
APPLAUSE
Oh, have you not found it?
Give me my fucking stick.
Oh, no.
LAUGHTER
You can't find your cat.
Put your signs up.
Well done, Craig.
CRAIG SHRIEKS
Oh, Christ!
CRAIG LAUGHS
I'm just glad he's got his scarf on
cos it's freezing.
Hear no evil, see no evil.
Narstie, Narstie...
Hear no evil, see no evil.
You've got to turn round.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes, N.
Think of Haribo.
Hey, look at that.
Ooh, yeah.
That is volumptuous.
Yeah, volumptuous.
She looks well, doesn't she?
I'll borrow this.
Yeah, you can have that.
I like a mature woman.
Where's he going?
If you're six feet and upwards,
you know what I'm saying.
LAUGHTER
Do you know what I hate
about bus stops,
especially at late night?
Drunk people,
really drunk, pissed up people.
Are you bringing Emily on?
Ooh.
Oh!
Fuck!
LAUGHTER
Oh, I hope he's not sick.
GROANING
Well done, Laura Whitmore's team.
APPLAUSE
And the scores
at the end of that round are...
Pu-king!
We're going to an ad break.
See you in a bit.
Coming up after the break...
Emily, how many times
have you had sex this week?
Four and a thumb.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
There's all to play for
in our final round.
It's the buzzer round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer,
give it a chance anyway and buzz in.
It's a special buzzer round
because Box Head is joining us.
CHEERING
He's making his own team,
he's doing his own thing.
What's your buzzer this week?
BUZZER: 'Cardboard Box's Head team.'
Do you want to take
your box off your head?
I'd love to.
Take it off, Ritchie.
Ritchie from 5ive!
Take it off!
Emily, what's your buzzer this week?
BUZZER: 'Wibbly, wibbly,
wibbly, wibbly, wobbly.'
It's Jonathan Ross,
just wibbling and wobbling around.
OK, Laura,
what's your buzzer this week?
BUZZER: 'Cheese on toast?
Disaster, darling.'
It's Craig Revel Horwood.
Right, OK,
here's your first question.
Which James Bond is this?
Is it A, Sean Connery,
B, Roger Moore...
EMILY'S BUZZER
..or C, Pierce Brosnan?
Pierce Brosnan.
Let's have a look.
BUZZER
LAUGHTER
A point for Ella if she can do
a musical impression of Shakira.
AS SHAKIRA: # Le-lo, lo-le, lo-le
# Le-lo, lo-le, lo-le
# Whenever, wherever... #
BELL PINGS,
APPLAUSE
Another point for Ella if she can do
a musical impression of Celine Dion.
AS CELINE DION: # Near, far
# Wherever you are
# I believe that the heart does
# Go on. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I got goose bumps.
A point for Ella if she can do
a musical impression
of Britney Spears.
What the fuck is this?
LAUGHTER
AS BRITNEY SPEARS:
# My loneliness is killing me
# And I
# I must confess
# I still believe
# Still believe. #
APPLAUSE
BIG NARSTIE: Can I get a point
for ad-lib?
A point to the first person
to name five 5ive songs.
CARDBOARD BOX HEAD'S BUZZER
Oh, that's Ritchie.
Mr Z, Battlestar, Everybody Get Up,
Keep On Movin',
When The Lights Go Out.
Point for your team.
CHEERING
Narstie, what is two plus three?
Huh?
EMILY'S BUZZER
Five.
# Everybody get up... #
It's five.
Ella, how many sides
does a pentagon have?
Five.
That's correct.
# Everybody get up
# Singing one, two
Three, four... #
Emily, how many fingers
do you have on one hand?
Five.
BUZZER
Four and a thumb.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
He got you
with the most basic trick.
Emily, how many times
have you had sex this week?
Four and a thumb.
This is the final question.
You get 100 points
if you get it right.
You'll probably take
the game home with you.
What was the name
of the heavy metal band
Ritchie Neville was in before 5ive?
CARDBOARD BOX HEAD'S BUZZER
Ritchie?
Anal Beard.
Anal Beard!
That is the correct answer.
Anal Beard?
100 points.
You've won 100 points.
KLAXON
I can tell you that the winner
of tonight's Celebrity Juice is...
Ritchie Neville.
Get in!
Cardboard Box Head.
I's Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week,
I'll see you through a window.
Are you gonna sing us out?
Absolutely.
Let's dance!
MUSIC: 'Keep On Movin''
by 5ive
LAURA: Oh, I love this song!
RITCHIE: Come on, people.
# I woke up today with this feelin'
# That better things
Are coming my way
# And if the sunshine has a meaning
# It's telling me
Not to let things get in my way... #
Come on, everybody!
# When the rainy days are dyin'
Gotta keep on, keep on tryin'
# All the bees and birds are flyin'
Ah, ah, a-a-ah
# Never let go, got to hold on and
# Non-stop till the break of dawn
And
# Keep movin', don't stop rockin'
Ah, ah, a-a-ah
# Get on up when you're down
# Baby, take a good look around
# I know it's not much, but it's OK
# We'll keep on movin' on anyway
# When the rainy days are dyin'
Gotta keep on, keep on tryin'
# All the bees and birds are flying
Ah, ah, a-a-ah
# Never let go, got to hold on and
# Non-stop till the break of dawn
And
# Keep movin', don't stop rockin'
Ah, ah, a-a-ah
# Get on up when you're down
# Baby, take a good look around
# I know it's not much, but it's OK
# We'll keep on movin' on... #
Ritchie Neville, everyone.