Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 22, Episode 7 - Christmas Special - full transcript
Ho-ho-ho, I am Santa Claus.
Check out these Christmas titles.
There's Holly
riding the Christmas dipper.
How lovely.
And there's new team captain Mel B,
going for a Christmas swim.
Delightful.
Of course, this is all just
an elaborate Christmas metaphor
for just how wonderful
this television show is.
And what is this television show?
It's the Christmas special
of Celebrity Juice
on television.
Ho-ho-ho. Where's my mince pies?
I'm absolutely rubbish.
CHEERING
Hurrah!
It's Christmas!
What a lovely time of year.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice
Christmas Special.
Let's meet our team captains.
Holly Willoughboozy.
CHEERING
Who's on your team?
Well, on my right,
as it's Christmas,
it wouldn't be Christmas
without
the whole family back together.
It's Paddy McGuinness.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on my left,
she's just had a baby,
and she goes out with Joseph,
she's Essex's answer to the
Virgin Mary. It's Stacey Solomon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Had a baby.
Let's meet our other team captain, a
right Christmas cracker, it's Mel B.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# I need some love
Like I never had love before
# Wanna make love to you, baby
# Now I'm back for more... #
Mel B, who is on your team?
To my left,
he's the man, the myth, the legend,
it's Gino D'Acampo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And to my right,
she is the OG of telly,
did you like that,
it's Kelly Osbourne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You look a little bit
like Cindy Lou from The Grinch.
That's what I was going for.
Let's see the back of your hair.
It's beautiful.
Look at that.
It looks like Santa
has jizzed in her hair.
And all of his Christmas joy
has gone into it.
What is Christmas like
in the Osbourne House? Ugh!
Well,
I will say
it always starts really nice.
But always ends in tears.
I heard a story about the first time
you found out about the truth
about Father Christmas.
Me and my brother
said to my mum and my dad,
"We don't think Santa is real."
And she goes,
"That's not the way that it is."
So me and my brother
got fishing wire and set up
a full booby trap in his room.
For Santa?
For Santa.
And all we heard was clattering
and it was like,
"Fuck, shit, fuck!"
And everything went flying.
And my dad completely stacked it.
LAUGHTER
Needless to say, he had
a very shit Christmas that year.
Hey, it's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've missed you.
I have, I've missed you.
Are you well?
It's been over a year
that I haven't been on the show.
MIMICKING: It's been over a year.
Do you understand when I talk?
No, I'm trying
to listen very, very clearly,
cos your accent is very thick.
Mel B!
It's Mel B. "Your accent
is very thick, in't it?
"You bastard!"
It's a beautiful accent.
It's very kind of sexy, isn't it?
Gino is sexy, isn't he?
Er...
Gino, what is Christmas like
in your gaff?
In my house...
AS GINO: Dough balls and pizza
like my mama used to make?
With a bit of Holly on the side,
carbonara gravy.
I'm gonna be
very, very honest with you.
I celebrate it because I have to.
What? Are you saying
you don't like the festive season?
Oh, you're so fucking rad.
Aren't you rad that you don't like
Christmas? I wish I were you.
MOUTHS
But speaking of rad,
tell us about your new fashion
statement that you are doing.
Bandanna on the head,
what's that about?
LAUGHTER
Another picture, another bandanna.
Yeah.
AS GINO: Bandannas have become
too commercial these days.
I like bandannas.
Gino, to welcome you back,
and because it's Christmas,
I've got you a present.
Ah!
Oh, yes!
APPLAUSE
I was going to wear one tonight.
I'll put it on for you.
Thank you.
No worries.
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
Down camera five, do
a Christmas message to your family.
All right.
LAUGHTER
Merry, merry, merry Christmas.
Ho-ho-fucking-ho!
Gino's back!
APPLAUSE
Gino...
What is written?
Twat.
No? You fuck.
You shit.
I made a career out of being a twat.
LAUGHTER
Where have you been?
Seriously, what have you been up to?
Travelling around the world, yeah?
We were filming the new
Gordon and Fred Road Trip.
We've got a picture
of you guys together.
Oh, my God.
We've got a picture of you
riding a donkey. There you are.
It's a bigger donkey
than the usual
kind of size donkey.
Horse!
Huh? Horse.
Horse, yeah?
We've got a picture of you
riding a bigger donkey
called a horse. There you are.
You rode a cock as well,
didn't you?
LAUGHTER
AS GINO:
Hey, fantastico, I'm on a cock!
We got another picture of you riding
a cock as well. Let's have a look.
There you go.
LAUGHTER
Paddy, I don't know
what you're laughing at.
Let's zoom into the background.
LAUGHTER
No, seriously, Gino,
you are now doing the Italian
version of Bake Off, aren't you?
Very similar,
but it's not a version of.
You do baking,
judging cakes and such? Yeah.
I'm gonna see how good you are.
For a point for your team,
I want you to judge these cakes.
I've got some lovely cakes
that have been made here by my mum.
PADDY: Lovely. Very nice cakes.
Taste these and give me
your critique on them.
Don't do it in Italian.
Do it in English so we know.
LAUGHTER
Oh...
LAUGHTER
What is it? What is it?
What is it?
Are they nice?
Fucking margarine on top.
It's just margarine butter on top,
with salt.
PADDY: Nice!
No, they are not nice cakes.
Mel, have a taste.
No.
Kelly, have a taste.
That'll be two points.
It's got flipping Marmite
in the middle. What's it like?
That is actually fucking disgusting.
LAUGHTER
Paddy, why don't you try a doughnut?
No, I don't want one.
No, I don't want one.
My mum made these.
Let's try a doughnut.
Point for your team
to try a doughnut, come on.
Tell us what you think.
Presentation?
Take a right big bite,
take a big bite.
Fucking hell, just the smell.
Smell that.
It smells quite nice.
Well, you have a bite.
Have a bite, Holly
Yum.
That's salt.
Oh, my God, what's that?
What's that?
That's fucking horrible.
Don't you like 'em?
You have one.
Go on, it's your mother.
CHEERING
Straight in! Get that in!
CROWD CHANTING
RETCHES
LAUGHTER
Eurgh!
Now you know
the shit we've got to put up with
on this fucking show!
KEITH CHOKES
It tastes like the Devil's cock.
Stacey Solomon!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
You went away
and you had a lovely, little baby.
I did have a baby.
We've got some pictures.
Cutest baby in the world,
look at that.
There's another one.
Cutest baby in the world.
This is the best day at work ever.
Just in my pyjamas
staring at my baby.
There's another one.
There he is dressed as Joe.
LAUGHTER
What about Joe?
He must be over the moon as well
cos he's got someone
to share his toys with.
So, this is gonna be your first
Christmas with your new family?
Yes. Well, not all of them are new,
just the one.
Your brand-new one.
I've had the other ones for ages.
Your brand-new one.
Yeah, it is.
I'm really excited.
I do love Christmas.
You know me, it's my favourite time.
She loves getting pissed.
I'll tell you what,
it's Paddy McGuinness!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Nice to see you back.
Good to be back.
Are you ready for Christmas?
I am. I love Christmas.
Can I just say,
it's weird being on this show.
There's a lot of ex-captains.
This is like the creme de la creme.
Why did you lose the job?
Well, I'm Top Gearing.
Why did you get sacked?
I decided to resign as a captain.
Bollocks.
When were you a capitan?
I was capitan for three years.
Yeah, in his mind,
in his fucking mind.
I was capitan. He wasn't really,
we just told him he was.
I was capitan.
Paddy.
In your house,
do you hang up stockings
or do you just use your foreskin?
LAUGHTER
Have you got a big willy? Are you
one of those with a big willy?
No. He's peddling this myth
that I've got a very long foreskin.
Oh, God.
And a small penis.
LAUGHTER
You're wearing a onesie.
LAUGHTER
Oh, that's all right.
LAUGHTER
That's all right.
That will do the job.
It's not that long, is it?
Got a long foreskin though, yeah?
Yes!
It looked longer. That's where
he keeps his pound coins.
In his foreskin.
Holly, do you know what I like
the most about Christmas?
Er, no, what do you like
the most about Christmas?
Spain. I love Spain.
And, Kelly, have you ever
put all your hoodies at once
into a wash and they've all got
tangled up by the drawstring?
No.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I've combined
those two things together
to make a really laboured link
as we play...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
For, as you can see,
I've got Kelly and Holly here.
They are in their hoodies which
have been tangled up in the wash.
And what's happened is
some Christmas food
has got stuck on the back.
In this game what you've got to do
is identify
your opponent's Christmas food
whilst defending your own.
And you're not allowed to exit
the Christmas pudding on the floor.
OK.
Yes?
You've got to keep your hands
in your pockets.
In your pockets?
For the people at home,
this is what is on Kelly's.
And this is what is on Holly's.
Right.
Are you ready?
I'm ready.
You will go on
the Christmas Spanish klaxon.
SPANISH-STYLE KLAXON
Whoa!
Keep in the pudding.
Keep in the pudding.
LAUGHTER
Keep in the pudding.
Is that shortbread?
No, no.
Keep your hands in your pockets!
Hands in your pockets.
LAUGHTER
Go on, Holly!
LAUGHTER
I can't see!
I can't see!
SHRIEKING
What is that? Are we stopping, then?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It's a Christmas vegetable.
Parsnip.
Yes! Yes, it is!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Next up it's Patrick and Gino.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, you know what to do.
This is such a stupid game.
KEITH BABBLES
AS GINO:
Pizza like Mama used to make.
For you at home, this is
what is on the back of Gino's.
And this is what is
on the back of Paddy's.
Why are they laughing
when you say Gino?
Cos you're a friendly,
funny character, aren't you?
You will go on the sound
of the Spanish Christmas klaxon.
SPANISH-STYLE KLAXON
Stay in the pudding.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He's got me already!
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino!
SHOUTING
AUDIENCE: Paddy! Paddy! Paddy!
Hands in your pockets.
I see it. It's a prawn.
It's a prawn.
CHEERING
It's a prawn.
It's a prawn!
What was it?
It's a prawn.
LAUGHTER
Untie me.
Untie me!
I'm all right.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Paddy McGuinness is the winner!
Gino, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end
of that round are sha-ting...
APPLAUSE
It's now time for
the tenth annual Lemon Awards!
These awards
are given out to celebrities
that have entertained us
throughout 2019.
All nominated by you,
the British public.
All you have to do is tell me
who you think
the British public voted for.
There's different categories,
and the first category
is for Holly's team.
The category
is Celebrity Spat of the Year.
Here's the award there. There it is.
OK, the nominees are
Justin Bieber starting a fight
with Tom Cruise on Twitter.
Justin Bieber starting a fight
with Taylor Swift on Instagram.
Mel B and Jessie J
after Mel called her overrated.
Oh, savage.
And Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy
over stories allegedly
leaked to the press.
But who did the British public
vote for for the Lemon Award?
It's got to be Coleen.
"Wagatha Christie."
Just the name itself is brilliant.
Rebekah Vardy has denied it
and claimed others have access
to her Instagram account.
I think the biggest one of the year,
definitely by far
is Coleen and Vardy.
That's your final answer?
Yeah.
OK, I can tell you
that the Lemon Award goes to...
DRUM ROLL
..Coleen Rooney
versus Rebekah Vardy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You're not gonna believe it,
Coleen couldn't make it to
our Christmas special tonight
But she has sent us this little VT
which stands for Video Tape.
AS COLEEN:
Oh, thanks for this! Look at that.
That is boss,
but I've worked so hard for this!
A terrible time in my life,
but you know what,
I like the lifestyle.
I like the clobber.
I like the shoes.
I like the bags and the holidays.
But whoever says anything about me,
I hope you have
a really heavy period.
It's boss, that, isn't it?
Wayne, don't touch that.
It's too expensive.
Coleen Rooney there.
Thanks for that video message.
OK, the next one is for Mel's team
and the category is:
The nominees are:
Piers Morgan
for identifying as a penguin.
Gemma Collins for falling over,
again.
Gino Sheffield D'Acampo
for wearing bandannas.
Or is it Boris Johnson
for being Boris Johnson?
Mel's team, who did
the British public vote for?
I think it's Boris.
I think we're gonna say Boris.
Yeah, Boris?
Boris.
OK.
I can tell you the winner of
The Lemon Award 2019 is...
PANTS
BLOWS RASPBERRY
It's Boris Johnson!
CHEERING
Now you're not gonna believe this...
We know how busy Boris Johnson
is inventing bikes for us to hire
and such, so he's not here tonight,
but he did send this video message.
Hello.
Sorry I can't be there.
I'm trying to fix Brexit, anyway.
I did a lady in a bush.
Don't tell anyone.
We'll do our best,
we'll fix Brexit.
Wiff waff, wiff waff.
I've left my bicycle over here
somewhere.
I left it this way!
OK, Holly's team, the next category
is for Best Moment Of The Year.
The nominees are:
The Game Of Thrones finale.
The Spice Girls world tour.
CHEERING
The arrival of baby T Rex.
And Greggs for inventing
the vegan sausage roll.
I think it's either the sausage roll
or Spice Girls.
I think it's the Spice Girls,
because it was epic.
It was big.
It was amazing.
You're saying Spice Girls?
Final answer.
OK.
I can tell you that
the British public voted...
DRUM ROLL
..the arrival of baby T Rex.
CHEERING
It was a moment.
Now, as we know, Stacey is here and
she did make a baby with her womb,
but she couldn't have done it
without Joe Swash.
Unfortunately, he couldn't be here
because he's busy filming a VT
for This Morning
where you can pay your mortgage
or win an iPad or a Mini,
but we have got a message from him.
Take it away, Swash. Love you.
LAUGHTER
I'd like to accept this
on the behalf of baby Rex.
Cheers, Stace, for making a baby.
You idiot!
Answer this simple question.
A, B
or C. It could be your mortgage.
ASOS!
ASOS! Stacey! Stacey.
LAUGHTER
Thanks for that message and thanks
for accepting the award, Joe.
Really kind of you.
OK, this is for Mel's team, and
the category is Arse Of The Year.
And the nominees are:
John Barrowman's arse.
Amanda Holden's arse.
Carol Vorderman's arse.
Or Paddy McGuinness' arse.
But who did the British public
vote for Arse Of The Year?
Is that your arse?
Yeah.
You know what happened?
He accidentally took a photo
of his arse by accident
and then accidentally
put it on Instagram. No, no, no.
You should have seen the bit
I cropped off the front.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
Our final answer is Amanda Holden.
Amanda Holden's arse.
Yeah.
Well, let's see who won The
Lemon Award for Arse Of The Year.
Choo choo!
BABBLES
The winner was...
Patrick McGuinness!
CHEERING
Thank you.
Now earlier, Paddy did us a video
receiving the award,
and this is what he had to say.
INDISTINCT
Best bum in Bolton.
What did I tell you?
What did I tell you?
Vernon Kay, you flat-arsed busted.
Sorry I can't be there.
I'm busy on Top Gear with Flintoff
and t'other fella.
Anyway, get back to that hotel,
pump on fist, double pudding.
Nicky nacky noo!
INDISTINCT
CHEERING
Dear me!
And that was
The Annual Lemon Awards,
and the scores at the end
of that round are:
We're going to an ad break. We'll
see you in three. Merry Christmas.
Coming up after t'break:
LAUGHTER
Merry Christmas!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice
Christmas Special.
Melanie.
Yeah. Have you been
walking down the street
and seen a celebrity doing something
that rhymes with their name?
Like Posh Spice
with a head full of lice?
No.
Well, I'll tell you what, let's go
down Christmas Rhyming Street.
Christmas Rhyming Street.
Ho, ho, ho!
So all you've got to do
is watch the VT
and look for celebrities
doing something that rhymes
with their name, then you have to
bid for how many you think you saw.
OK, OK. OK, OK.
If you don't get 'em all, the point
will go to the other team. OK?
There is a red herring in there,
also.
Yes, run VT now.
Chasing a star... Look at that!
Urgh!
I want to put that in there.
I could take it out and put it back
in again.
Ah, ah, ah ah ah!
You bastard!
# La la la la la. #
INDISTINCT
VOMITING
Ha ha ha!
Pennywise the dancing clown.
I do like that on my willy.
OK, that was the VT. Holly's team,
how many do you think you spotted?
I'm gonna say... six?
A strong six.
Six. Six.
Mel's team, can you get seven?
Go for six.
Or pass it over.
If they don't get all six...
Yeah, we're passing it. Yeah.
We're passing it.
You're passing it. OK.
So we had...
What's the first one?
Prue Leith pissing on a wreath.
Yes, that's correct.
Alan Carr chasing a star.
Let's have a look.
OK.
That's correct.
Yeah.
Colin Farrell singing a Carol.
Yes.
Liam Payne eating a candy cane.
Yes.
Pennywise eating mince pies.
Let's have a look.
There it is. One more to win.
Mariah Carey doing Scary.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER
That's correct!
Bonus point, did you see
the red herring?
Yes, we did.
I think it was...
Was it Bruce Willis
with Brussels sprouts?
Let's have a look. Yes, that's Bruce
Willis fucking a pack of sprouts.
It doesn't rhyme!
It doesn't rhyme.
Yes!
And the scores at the end
of that round are:
CHEERING
Gino, when you were a young bambino,
did you ever dream of getting
so many presents you could stack
them up and climb up them
like they were Everest?
I was only allowed one present.
Oh, well, tough shit.
Let's play Box Mountain.
# Am I living
In a cardboard box... #
Hello and welcome to Box Mountain,
sponsored by boxes in association
with Mount Everest.
First of all, I'd like to say thanks
to our sponsors for sending us
all that sweet cash, and I think
we can go live to Mount Everest now.
Hello? Can you hear me?
There they are
There's Jonesy up there.
Oh, got a massive Santa hat
on the top. That's lovely.
Patrick and Gino,
this is a first on Celebrity Juice
at this stage in the game.
It's very close. This could be
a deciding point right here.
Come on, Gino!
All you've got to do is get
to the top of Box Mountain
and get the box of all boxes,
the tissue box.
LAUGHTER
Retrieve it, you win a point
for your team.
That's all you've got to do.
I have got a nightshirt on.
Yeah, keep it inside!
Keep it inside.
OK, you go on the klaxon.
Are you ready? Three, two, one.
KLAXON
CHEERING
SHOUTING
If you push 'em over,
bring 'em back up.
Go on, Gino! There you go.
ALL TALK AND SHOUT
Gino, get up there, man!
There's still a mountain of time.
You can do it.
I've got his balls in my face!
LAUGHTER
Go on, get up there.
They're going at it again.
Go on, Gino, you've got this.
This is yours.
Go on, Paddy.
You're very close. Get up the edges.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Gino! Gino!
The point goes to Mel's team.
Here's an action replay.
It's a crash out.
Guinness is up there!
Straight up there.
Oh!
INDISTINCT
Oh, Paddy gets and loses it
and Gino retrieves it!
The scores at the end of that round
are:
We're going to an ad break.
See you in three.
Coming up after t'break:
Hello!
Hello? Where the fuck is he?
Kevin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Merry Christmas!
Lovely Christmas time.
I don't know about in your house,
but in my house on Christmas,
we open a present on Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
Do you do that? Yeah.
Aaaaaargh, Kevin!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
I've left him home alone again.
Oh, fuck, I was in such a rush this
morning, I totally forgot about him.
Oh, shit! We're gonna go live
to the corridor now.
I think he's in the corridor,
all home alone and scared.
Look at him. Kevin.
Oh, no!
That's not Kevin from Home Alone!
Gino, that's Kevin from Home Alone!
That is.
Can you help us bring him back here
and give him some cookies and milk?
If I have to, yeah.
Let's play...
Here I am with Gino, who's gonna
save the day
and bring back Kevin
from Home Alone.
Go on the sound of the Christmas
klaxon.
Why do I need to do this?
Get some team points and go and
bloody find him, Gino. Come on!
There is no need for violence.
BELLS JINGLE
Gooooo!
It is the klaxon?
Kevin!
AUDIENCE CHANT: Gino!
Kevin!
Out of the studio.
Santa's grotto.
Kevin? Get inside there,
see if he's in there? Kevin?
Go in there. Santa's grotto.
It's very dark in there.
I am in Santa's grotto.
Shut the door.
Hello?
Kevin?
Kevin!
Where are you, you little shit?
Kevin!
Kevin!
He thought you were a burglar!
Kevin!
I cannot find Kevin!
GROWLING
This is not Kevin.
Get out, Gino!
That's Krampus, the bad Santa.
Who is that?
Krampus!
He's Scrampi.
It's the other way, Gino.
Not scampi, Krampus!
Kevin?
Please...
What's that say?
..take off your shoes.
Please take your shoes off.
Take your shoes off.
Fucking hell. Why do I need to
take my shoes off to find Kevin?
LAUGHTER
This is stupid.
Remember, he's laid traps out,
like he did in the movie.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Oh, fuck!
He's scared.
This... Ah!
This is impossible, you idiots!
Fuck!
LAUGHTER
It's the little soldier.
Don't scare him,
he's only a little boy.
Kevin.
This is not fucking fun at all.
Kevin!
Ah! Fuck!
Ah!
Like a fucking soldier on my...
Ah!
OK.
Fucking shit.
Remember the movie, he's laid out
all the same traps, Gino!
Kevin!
Kevin's room.
What was the Italian
Home Alone called?
Home Alone-io!
Hello, you little bastard.
Hello.
Hello?
Where the fuck is he?!
COUGHS
LAUGHTER
Come on, you can do it, Gino.
Bring Kevin back.
Fuck Kevin, I look like a chicken.
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino!
Kevin!
This game is stupid.
Kevin!
LAUGHTER
What the...
Kevin!
This is bullshit.
Come on, Gino.
This is fucking bullshit.
Kevin! Kevin!
Oh, you're at the office party!
Oh, hello.
THEY RETCH
What the fuck?
They've been sick on him!
RETCHES
That is horrendous.
RETCHING
Where's fucking Kevin?
He's a little shit.
What's wrong with you fucking...
ROARS
What the fuck?
JURASSIC PARK THEME
Kevin!
Found him?
There you are, you little shit.
Move.
Move this fucking dinosaur.
Where the fuck were you?
Where were you?
Talk, you BLEEP
Move.
What the fuck?
Move!
ROARS
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino!
Kevin, everyone!
CHEERING
We've got you mince pies,
I hope you like those, Kevin,
and we got you some milk.
LAUGHTER
He's really angry, see.
Ah, get the fuck...
Get the fuck out of here!
There's some milk for you.
There you go.
LAUGHTER
Kevin, everyone!
CHEERING
Gino!
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino!
I'll never do this again.
And the scores at the end
of that round are...
Sha-ting!
Sha-ting!
Merry fucking Christmas.
Where's Kevin!
Here, Mel,
did you hear of the idea that I did,
it was an amazingly slick idea
that I pitched to ITV?
It was called
What Comes Down The Tube.
No?
Well, they loved it so much, they
want me to try it out one more time,
but put a Christmas spin on it,
ramp it up for more jeopardy.
Do you wanna play it?
Yeah, yeah.
Kelly, you're wearing a poncho,
you must really want to play it.
Then let's play...
..What's Come Down
The Christmas Tube Extreme!
Live prerecord from
a studio in Elstree,
it's time for
What's Come Down The Tube Extreme.
Please welcome your presenter
for this evening,
Mr Keith Lemon.
CHEERING
Yay!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Hello and welcome
to What's Come down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube!
CHEERING
What a lovely festive time
here on What's Come Down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube.
First up to play,
it's Kelly Osbourne!
CHEERING
Go, Kelly!
OK, Kelly, all you've got to do
is lay underneath the tube.
There's gonna be a product
coming down here.
You have to give me the
identification of that product
as it hits your face.
That's easy, isn't it?
But not when you're blindfolded
as we play What's Come Down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube.
Bang these on, lovely.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Gino, in Italian, what's "the"?
Il.
What's Come Down...
AUDIENCE: Il!
..Christmas Tube.
LAUGHTER
OK, um...
Kelly, get your head under the tube.
You can see this is...
This is a lot bigger
than we normally do, Holly.
It's way bigger.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
OK.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Oh, Christ!
For everybody at home, this is
what's gonna come down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas tube!
I hate you so much.
Here it comes.
AUDIENCE GROANS
# Tis the season to be jolly
# Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la. #
Kelly, what is it?
It's pasta!
CHEERING
That was Kelly Osbourne
playing What's Come Down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube!
LAUGHTER
No! No!
LAUGHTER
Go on, Kelly!
CHEERING
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Kelly!
Next up it's Stacey Solomon!
CHEERING
For you guys at home,
if you're playing along,
if you've got some scaffolding
in your living room,
this is what it is.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Go on, Stace!
Here it comes.
AUDIENCE GROANS
I hate you!
Stacey...
what came down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube?
SHE LAUGHS
It's disgusting.
Is it banana? Is it...
Nope.
You're on the right track.
Is it sweet or... What is it?
Holly, I'm gonna give you a chance
here to win a point.
If you go up to Stacey, lick it off
her face and tell me what it is.
Go on, Hol!
Go on, Holly.
Lick it off her face.
That's, um... tiramisu.
That's correct!
CHEERING
Next up to play is Mel B!
CHEERING
Because Mel B has done such
a good job as team captain,
I've got you a Christmas gift.
Somebody's gonna play
on your behalf.
Please welcome our special guest,
it's Will Mellor!
# Don't let the bells end! #
Yes!
The man that brought acting
to the UK, Mr Will Mellor,
playing on Mel B's behalf.
Whoo!
CHEERING
I just came...
I heard there was a Christmas party
so I thought I'd come along and...
We wanna get you join in, man.
You know about us, we like to get
you joining in, we're lovely people.
I know, but I just thought
I'd get a mince pie or summat.
Yeah, we'll get a mince pie
afterwards.
Or you might get one in this game.
Yeah!
Who wants Will to play this game?
CHEERING
For you guys at home, this is
what's gonna come down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube.
AUDIENCE GROANS
What was that?!
Oh, my word.
I only came for the party!
What's going on?
I'd shut your mouth if I were you.
Fuck off!
Here it comes.
Shut your mouth, I promise you.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Pfft!
YELPS
You fucking...
Pfft!
It tastes like fucking soil!
It is a kind of soil.
What?! Is it soil?
Miaow!
It's cat...
It's not fucking cat shit?!
LAUGHTER
It's not cat shit!
APPLAUSE
Yeah.
Is it cat shit?
Yeah.
No, it's not.
That's right, Will Mellor,
it was cat litter!
# Don't let the bells end. #
Will Mellor, everyone!
And the scores at the end
of that round are...
Sha-ting!
That's not food!
We're gonna go to an ad break.
I'll see you in two.
I'm off for a sweet cat's poo.
Coming up after t'brek...
Point for Paddy and Gino if they
kiss each other under the mistletoe.
I don't do this kind of stuff
anymore.
Welcome back to
Celebrity Juice Christmas Special!
There's all to play for in our
final round, it's the buzzer round!
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer,
be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
So, Holly, what's your buzzer?
AS PADDY: 'Turkey? Fuck it.
What's that aboot?'
That's Patrick McGuinness, there.
Mel's team, what's your buzzer?
AS GINO: 'My name is Gino.
I am a prick! Fantastico!'
LAUGHTER
OK, here's the first question, who's
a bigger prick, Gino or this cactus?
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE CHANT: Gino!
'Christmas crackers? Fuck 'em!'
I think that were Holly's team.
Well, I think the audience answered
it for us, what did you say?
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino!
That's correct, it's Gino.
Why are Holly and Phil so merry
in this picture?
'Christmas pudding, fuck it,
what's that aboot?'
That's Holly's team.
It's because we're sharing a jumper.
No, that's incorrect.
I'll throw it to Mel's team.
It's because they've just made out.
Yes, they're fiddling with
each other under the jumpers.
Let's have a look.
Yes, they're having a good fiddle.
Who is Paddy about to
get off with here?
Oh, come on.
That's Mel's team.
He's an action hero, Jason Statham.
Let's have a look.
No, it's Gino.
Point to Paddy and Gino if they kiss
each other under the mistletoe.
CHEERING
I don't do this kind of stuff
anymore. I'm a mature man.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Like you're at an office party
and you're proper drunk.
LAUGHTER
Gino gets a point.
CHEERING
Point for your team
if you can name the worst
pop music video of all time.
'My name is Gino and I lick the arse
of Gordon Ramsay!
'Fantastico!'
That's Mel's team.
I think it's got a chance
it might be one of my videos.
Let's have a look.
CHEERING
# I'll get over you
# But you're on my mind
# No matter what I do. #
That's correct.
Who's this cheeky Jesus lookalike?
Huh?
Ooh!
'Christmas time, fantastico!'
That was Mel's team.
My dad.
That's correct.
That's Ozzy Osbourne.
Why've you put his dick on there,
you fuckin' arsehole?!
LAUGHTER
What is wrong with you?!
Hang on a minute,
why do you recognise it?!
LAUGHTER
OK, OK!
A point for me if I can give myself
a really nice compliment.
Keith, you're really nice.
Oh, thanks.
PINGS
Who is Gino
pulling crackers with here?
'Bah!'
Just remember!
That was Mel's team.
Go on, Gino, remember!
Yeah, don't... You panic me.
I think it's on This Morning,
so it could be Holly and Phillip.
Let's have a look.
Good shout.
No, it's incorrect.
It was no-one.
Nobody came to your party.
Who's neck deep
in Santa's sack here?
'Christmas?! That can fook right
off! Ya bastard!'
That's Mel's team.
Me.
Let's have a look.
CHEERING
That's correct.
Gino, point for your team if you can
make up a Christmas single now.
# Jing my balls
Jing my balls
# Please do jing my balls
# And when Santa's coming down
# So will my wife. #
LAUGHTER, CHEERING
KLAXON
Oh!
APPLAUSE
That's the end of the buzzer round,
and this week's Celebrity Juice,
our Christmas special!
But who has won?
The winners of this Christmas
Celebrity Juice special are...
Oh!
It's Mel B's team!
CHEERING
Yes!
Have a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year!
Good luck with business!
Let's dance!
# I wish it could be Christmas
Every day
# When the kids start singing
And the band begins to play
# Oh
# I wish it could be Christmas
Every day
# So let the bells ring out
# For Christmas. #
Merry Christmas!
CHEERING
Check out these Christmas titles.
There's Holly
riding the Christmas dipper.
How lovely.
And there's new team captain Mel B,
going for a Christmas swim.
Delightful.
Of course, this is all just
an elaborate Christmas metaphor
for just how wonderful
this television show is.
And what is this television show?
It's the Christmas special
of Celebrity Juice
on television.
Ho-ho-ho. Where's my mince pies?
I'm absolutely rubbish.
CHEERING
Hurrah!
It's Christmas!
What a lovely time of year.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice
Christmas Special.
Let's meet our team captains.
Holly Willoughboozy.
CHEERING
Who's on your team?
Well, on my right,
as it's Christmas,
it wouldn't be Christmas
without
the whole family back together.
It's Paddy McGuinness.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on my left,
she's just had a baby,
and she goes out with Joseph,
she's Essex's answer to the
Virgin Mary. It's Stacey Solomon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Had a baby.
Let's meet our other team captain, a
right Christmas cracker, it's Mel B.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# I need some love
Like I never had love before
# Wanna make love to you, baby
# Now I'm back for more... #
Mel B, who is on your team?
To my left,
he's the man, the myth, the legend,
it's Gino D'Acampo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And to my right,
she is the OG of telly,
did you like that,
it's Kelly Osbourne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You look a little bit
like Cindy Lou from The Grinch.
That's what I was going for.
Let's see the back of your hair.
It's beautiful.
Look at that.
It looks like Santa
has jizzed in her hair.
And all of his Christmas joy
has gone into it.
What is Christmas like
in the Osbourne House? Ugh!
Well,
I will say
it always starts really nice.
But always ends in tears.
I heard a story about the first time
you found out about the truth
about Father Christmas.
Me and my brother
said to my mum and my dad,
"We don't think Santa is real."
And she goes,
"That's not the way that it is."
So me and my brother
got fishing wire and set up
a full booby trap in his room.
For Santa?
For Santa.
And all we heard was clattering
and it was like,
"Fuck, shit, fuck!"
And everything went flying.
And my dad completely stacked it.
LAUGHTER
Needless to say, he had
a very shit Christmas that year.
Hey, it's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've missed you.
I have, I've missed you.
Are you well?
It's been over a year
that I haven't been on the show.
MIMICKING: It's been over a year.
Do you understand when I talk?
No, I'm trying
to listen very, very clearly,
cos your accent is very thick.
Mel B!
It's Mel B. "Your accent
is very thick, in't it?
"You bastard!"
It's a beautiful accent.
It's very kind of sexy, isn't it?
Gino is sexy, isn't he?
Er...
Gino, what is Christmas like
in your gaff?
In my house...
AS GINO: Dough balls and pizza
like my mama used to make?
With a bit of Holly on the side,
carbonara gravy.
I'm gonna be
very, very honest with you.
I celebrate it because I have to.
What? Are you saying
you don't like the festive season?
Oh, you're so fucking rad.
Aren't you rad that you don't like
Christmas? I wish I were you.
MOUTHS
But speaking of rad,
tell us about your new fashion
statement that you are doing.
Bandanna on the head,
what's that about?
LAUGHTER
Another picture, another bandanna.
Yeah.
AS GINO: Bandannas have become
too commercial these days.
I like bandannas.
Gino, to welcome you back,
and because it's Christmas,
I've got you a present.
Ah!
Oh, yes!
APPLAUSE
I was going to wear one tonight.
I'll put it on for you.
Thank you.
No worries.
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
Down camera five, do
a Christmas message to your family.
All right.
LAUGHTER
Merry, merry, merry Christmas.
Ho-ho-fucking-ho!
Gino's back!
APPLAUSE
Gino...
What is written?
Twat.
No? You fuck.
You shit.
I made a career out of being a twat.
LAUGHTER
Where have you been?
Seriously, what have you been up to?
Travelling around the world, yeah?
We were filming the new
Gordon and Fred Road Trip.
We've got a picture
of you guys together.
Oh, my God.
We've got a picture of you
riding a donkey. There you are.
It's a bigger donkey
than the usual
kind of size donkey.
Horse!
Huh? Horse.
Horse, yeah?
We've got a picture of you
riding a bigger donkey
called a horse. There you are.
You rode a cock as well,
didn't you?
LAUGHTER
AS GINO:
Hey, fantastico, I'm on a cock!
We got another picture of you riding
a cock as well. Let's have a look.
There you go.
LAUGHTER
Paddy, I don't know
what you're laughing at.
Let's zoom into the background.
LAUGHTER
No, seriously, Gino,
you are now doing the Italian
version of Bake Off, aren't you?
Very similar,
but it's not a version of.
You do baking,
judging cakes and such? Yeah.
I'm gonna see how good you are.
For a point for your team,
I want you to judge these cakes.
I've got some lovely cakes
that have been made here by my mum.
PADDY: Lovely. Very nice cakes.
Taste these and give me
your critique on them.
Don't do it in Italian.
Do it in English so we know.
LAUGHTER
Oh...
LAUGHTER
What is it? What is it?
What is it?
Are they nice?
Fucking margarine on top.
It's just margarine butter on top,
with salt.
PADDY: Nice!
No, they are not nice cakes.
Mel, have a taste.
No.
Kelly, have a taste.
That'll be two points.
It's got flipping Marmite
in the middle. What's it like?
That is actually fucking disgusting.
LAUGHTER
Paddy, why don't you try a doughnut?
No, I don't want one.
No, I don't want one.
My mum made these.
Let's try a doughnut.
Point for your team
to try a doughnut, come on.
Tell us what you think.
Presentation?
Take a right big bite,
take a big bite.
Fucking hell, just the smell.
Smell that.
It smells quite nice.
Well, you have a bite.
Have a bite, Holly
Yum.
That's salt.
Oh, my God, what's that?
What's that?
That's fucking horrible.
Don't you like 'em?
You have one.
Go on, it's your mother.
CHEERING
Straight in! Get that in!
CROWD CHANTING
RETCHES
LAUGHTER
Eurgh!
Now you know
the shit we've got to put up with
on this fucking show!
KEITH CHOKES
It tastes like the Devil's cock.
Stacey Solomon!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
You went away
and you had a lovely, little baby.
I did have a baby.
We've got some pictures.
Cutest baby in the world,
look at that.
There's another one.
Cutest baby in the world.
This is the best day at work ever.
Just in my pyjamas
staring at my baby.
There's another one.
There he is dressed as Joe.
LAUGHTER
What about Joe?
He must be over the moon as well
cos he's got someone
to share his toys with.
So, this is gonna be your first
Christmas with your new family?
Yes. Well, not all of them are new,
just the one.
Your brand-new one.
I've had the other ones for ages.
Your brand-new one.
Yeah, it is.
I'm really excited.
I do love Christmas.
You know me, it's my favourite time.
She loves getting pissed.
I'll tell you what,
it's Paddy McGuinness!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Nice to see you back.
Good to be back.
Are you ready for Christmas?
I am. I love Christmas.
Can I just say,
it's weird being on this show.
There's a lot of ex-captains.
This is like the creme de la creme.
Why did you lose the job?
Well, I'm Top Gearing.
Why did you get sacked?
I decided to resign as a captain.
Bollocks.
When were you a capitan?
I was capitan for three years.
Yeah, in his mind,
in his fucking mind.
I was capitan. He wasn't really,
we just told him he was.
I was capitan.
Paddy.
In your house,
do you hang up stockings
or do you just use your foreskin?
LAUGHTER
Have you got a big willy? Are you
one of those with a big willy?
No. He's peddling this myth
that I've got a very long foreskin.
Oh, God.
And a small penis.
LAUGHTER
You're wearing a onesie.
LAUGHTER
Oh, that's all right.
LAUGHTER
That's all right.
That will do the job.
It's not that long, is it?
Got a long foreskin though, yeah?
Yes!
It looked longer. That's where
he keeps his pound coins.
In his foreskin.
Holly, do you know what I like
the most about Christmas?
Er, no, what do you like
the most about Christmas?
Spain. I love Spain.
And, Kelly, have you ever
put all your hoodies at once
into a wash and they've all got
tangled up by the drawstring?
No.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I've combined
those two things together
to make a really laboured link
as we play...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
For, as you can see,
I've got Kelly and Holly here.
They are in their hoodies which
have been tangled up in the wash.
And what's happened is
some Christmas food
has got stuck on the back.
In this game what you've got to do
is identify
your opponent's Christmas food
whilst defending your own.
And you're not allowed to exit
the Christmas pudding on the floor.
OK.
Yes?
You've got to keep your hands
in your pockets.
In your pockets?
For the people at home,
this is what is on Kelly's.
And this is what is on Holly's.
Right.
Are you ready?
I'm ready.
You will go on
the Christmas Spanish klaxon.
SPANISH-STYLE KLAXON
Whoa!
Keep in the pudding.
Keep in the pudding.
LAUGHTER
Keep in the pudding.
Is that shortbread?
No, no.
Keep your hands in your pockets!
Hands in your pockets.
LAUGHTER
Go on, Holly!
LAUGHTER
I can't see!
I can't see!
SHRIEKING
What is that? Are we stopping, then?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It's a Christmas vegetable.
Parsnip.
Yes! Yes, it is!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Next up it's Patrick and Gino.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Right, you know what to do.
This is such a stupid game.
KEITH BABBLES
AS GINO:
Pizza like Mama used to make.
For you at home, this is
what is on the back of Gino's.
And this is what is
on the back of Paddy's.
Why are they laughing
when you say Gino?
Cos you're a friendly,
funny character, aren't you?
You will go on the sound
of the Spanish Christmas klaxon.
SPANISH-STYLE KLAXON
Stay in the pudding.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He's got me already!
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino!
SHOUTING
AUDIENCE: Paddy! Paddy! Paddy!
Hands in your pockets.
I see it. It's a prawn.
It's a prawn.
CHEERING
It's a prawn.
It's a prawn!
What was it?
It's a prawn.
LAUGHTER
Untie me.
Untie me!
I'm all right.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Paddy McGuinness is the winner!
Gino, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end
of that round are sha-ting...
APPLAUSE
It's now time for
the tenth annual Lemon Awards!
These awards
are given out to celebrities
that have entertained us
throughout 2019.
All nominated by you,
the British public.
All you have to do is tell me
who you think
the British public voted for.
There's different categories,
and the first category
is for Holly's team.
The category
is Celebrity Spat of the Year.
Here's the award there. There it is.
OK, the nominees are
Justin Bieber starting a fight
with Tom Cruise on Twitter.
Justin Bieber starting a fight
with Taylor Swift on Instagram.
Mel B and Jessie J
after Mel called her overrated.
Oh, savage.
And Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy
over stories allegedly
leaked to the press.
But who did the British public
vote for for the Lemon Award?
It's got to be Coleen.
"Wagatha Christie."
Just the name itself is brilliant.
Rebekah Vardy has denied it
and claimed others have access
to her Instagram account.
I think the biggest one of the year,
definitely by far
is Coleen and Vardy.
That's your final answer?
Yeah.
OK, I can tell you
that the Lemon Award goes to...
DRUM ROLL
..Coleen Rooney
versus Rebekah Vardy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You're not gonna believe it,
Coleen couldn't make it to
our Christmas special tonight
But she has sent us this little VT
which stands for Video Tape.
AS COLEEN:
Oh, thanks for this! Look at that.
That is boss,
but I've worked so hard for this!
A terrible time in my life,
but you know what,
I like the lifestyle.
I like the clobber.
I like the shoes.
I like the bags and the holidays.
But whoever says anything about me,
I hope you have
a really heavy period.
It's boss, that, isn't it?
Wayne, don't touch that.
It's too expensive.
Coleen Rooney there.
Thanks for that video message.
OK, the next one is for Mel's team
and the category is:
The nominees are:
Piers Morgan
for identifying as a penguin.
Gemma Collins for falling over,
again.
Gino Sheffield D'Acampo
for wearing bandannas.
Or is it Boris Johnson
for being Boris Johnson?
Mel's team, who did
the British public vote for?
I think it's Boris.
I think we're gonna say Boris.
Yeah, Boris?
Boris.
OK.
I can tell you the winner of
The Lemon Award 2019 is...
PANTS
BLOWS RASPBERRY
It's Boris Johnson!
CHEERING
Now you're not gonna believe this...
We know how busy Boris Johnson
is inventing bikes for us to hire
and such, so he's not here tonight,
but he did send this video message.
Hello.
Sorry I can't be there.
I'm trying to fix Brexit, anyway.
I did a lady in a bush.
Don't tell anyone.
We'll do our best,
we'll fix Brexit.
Wiff waff, wiff waff.
I've left my bicycle over here
somewhere.
I left it this way!
OK, Holly's team, the next category
is for Best Moment Of The Year.
The nominees are:
The Game Of Thrones finale.
The Spice Girls world tour.
CHEERING
The arrival of baby T Rex.
And Greggs for inventing
the vegan sausage roll.
I think it's either the sausage roll
or Spice Girls.
I think it's the Spice Girls,
because it was epic.
It was big.
It was amazing.
You're saying Spice Girls?
Final answer.
OK.
I can tell you that
the British public voted...
DRUM ROLL
..the arrival of baby T Rex.
CHEERING
It was a moment.
Now, as we know, Stacey is here and
she did make a baby with her womb,
but she couldn't have done it
without Joe Swash.
Unfortunately, he couldn't be here
because he's busy filming a VT
for This Morning
where you can pay your mortgage
or win an iPad or a Mini,
but we have got a message from him.
Take it away, Swash. Love you.
LAUGHTER
I'd like to accept this
on the behalf of baby Rex.
Cheers, Stace, for making a baby.
You idiot!
Answer this simple question.
A, B
or C. It could be your mortgage.
ASOS!
ASOS! Stacey! Stacey.
LAUGHTER
Thanks for that message and thanks
for accepting the award, Joe.
Really kind of you.
OK, this is for Mel's team, and
the category is Arse Of The Year.
And the nominees are:
John Barrowman's arse.
Amanda Holden's arse.
Carol Vorderman's arse.
Or Paddy McGuinness' arse.
But who did the British public
vote for Arse Of The Year?
Is that your arse?
Yeah.
You know what happened?
He accidentally took a photo
of his arse by accident
and then accidentally
put it on Instagram. No, no, no.
You should have seen the bit
I cropped off the front.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
Our final answer is Amanda Holden.
Amanda Holden's arse.
Yeah.
Well, let's see who won The
Lemon Award for Arse Of The Year.
Choo choo!
BABBLES
The winner was...
Patrick McGuinness!
CHEERING
Thank you.
Now earlier, Paddy did us a video
receiving the award,
and this is what he had to say.
INDISTINCT
Best bum in Bolton.
What did I tell you?
What did I tell you?
Vernon Kay, you flat-arsed busted.
Sorry I can't be there.
I'm busy on Top Gear with Flintoff
and t'other fella.
Anyway, get back to that hotel,
pump on fist, double pudding.
Nicky nacky noo!
INDISTINCT
CHEERING
Dear me!
And that was
The Annual Lemon Awards,
and the scores at the end
of that round are:
We're going to an ad break. We'll
see you in three. Merry Christmas.
Coming up after t'break:
LAUGHTER
Merry Christmas!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice
Christmas Special.
Melanie.
Yeah. Have you been
walking down the street
and seen a celebrity doing something
that rhymes with their name?
Like Posh Spice
with a head full of lice?
No.
Well, I'll tell you what, let's go
down Christmas Rhyming Street.
Christmas Rhyming Street.
Ho, ho, ho!
So all you've got to do
is watch the VT
and look for celebrities
doing something that rhymes
with their name, then you have to
bid for how many you think you saw.
OK, OK. OK, OK.
If you don't get 'em all, the point
will go to the other team. OK?
There is a red herring in there,
also.
Yes, run VT now.
Chasing a star... Look at that!
Urgh!
I want to put that in there.
I could take it out and put it back
in again.
Ah, ah, ah ah ah!
You bastard!
# La la la la la. #
INDISTINCT
VOMITING
Ha ha ha!
Pennywise the dancing clown.
I do like that on my willy.
OK, that was the VT. Holly's team,
how many do you think you spotted?
I'm gonna say... six?
A strong six.
Six. Six.
Mel's team, can you get seven?
Go for six.
Or pass it over.
If they don't get all six...
Yeah, we're passing it. Yeah.
We're passing it.
You're passing it. OK.
So we had...
What's the first one?
Prue Leith pissing on a wreath.
Yes, that's correct.
Alan Carr chasing a star.
Let's have a look.
OK.
That's correct.
Yeah.
Colin Farrell singing a Carol.
Yes.
Liam Payne eating a candy cane.
Yes.
Pennywise eating mince pies.
Let's have a look.
There it is. One more to win.
Mariah Carey doing Scary.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER
That's correct!
Bonus point, did you see
the red herring?
Yes, we did.
I think it was...
Was it Bruce Willis
with Brussels sprouts?
Let's have a look. Yes, that's Bruce
Willis fucking a pack of sprouts.
It doesn't rhyme!
It doesn't rhyme.
Yes!
And the scores at the end
of that round are:
CHEERING
Gino, when you were a young bambino,
did you ever dream of getting
so many presents you could stack
them up and climb up them
like they were Everest?
I was only allowed one present.
Oh, well, tough shit.
Let's play Box Mountain.
# Am I living
In a cardboard box... #
Hello and welcome to Box Mountain,
sponsored by boxes in association
with Mount Everest.
First of all, I'd like to say thanks
to our sponsors for sending us
all that sweet cash, and I think
we can go live to Mount Everest now.
Hello? Can you hear me?
There they are
There's Jonesy up there.
Oh, got a massive Santa hat
on the top. That's lovely.
Patrick and Gino,
this is a first on Celebrity Juice
at this stage in the game.
It's very close. This could be
a deciding point right here.
Come on, Gino!
All you've got to do is get
to the top of Box Mountain
and get the box of all boxes,
the tissue box.
LAUGHTER
Retrieve it, you win a point
for your team.
That's all you've got to do.
I have got a nightshirt on.
Yeah, keep it inside!
Keep it inside.
OK, you go on the klaxon.
Are you ready? Three, two, one.
KLAXON
CHEERING
SHOUTING
If you push 'em over,
bring 'em back up.
Go on, Gino! There you go.
ALL TALK AND SHOUT
Gino, get up there, man!
There's still a mountain of time.
You can do it.
I've got his balls in my face!
LAUGHTER
Go on, get up there.
They're going at it again.
Go on, Gino, you've got this.
This is yours.
Go on, Paddy.
You're very close. Get up the edges.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Gino! Gino!
The point goes to Mel's team.
Here's an action replay.
It's a crash out.
Guinness is up there!
Straight up there.
Oh!
INDISTINCT
Oh, Paddy gets and loses it
and Gino retrieves it!
The scores at the end of that round
are:
We're going to an ad break.
See you in three.
Coming up after t'break:
Hello!
Hello? Where the fuck is he?
Kevin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Merry Christmas!
Lovely Christmas time.
I don't know about in your house,
but in my house on Christmas,
we open a present on Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
Do you do that? Yeah.
Aaaaaargh, Kevin!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
I've left him home alone again.
Oh, fuck, I was in such a rush this
morning, I totally forgot about him.
Oh, shit! We're gonna go live
to the corridor now.
I think he's in the corridor,
all home alone and scared.
Look at him. Kevin.
Oh, no!
That's not Kevin from Home Alone!
Gino, that's Kevin from Home Alone!
That is.
Can you help us bring him back here
and give him some cookies and milk?
If I have to, yeah.
Let's play...
Here I am with Gino, who's gonna
save the day
and bring back Kevin
from Home Alone.
Go on the sound of the Christmas
klaxon.
Why do I need to do this?
Get some team points and go and
bloody find him, Gino. Come on!
There is no need for violence.
BELLS JINGLE
Gooooo!
It is the klaxon?
Kevin!
AUDIENCE CHANT: Gino!
Kevin!
Out of the studio.
Santa's grotto.
Kevin? Get inside there,
see if he's in there? Kevin?
Go in there. Santa's grotto.
It's very dark in there.
I am in Santa's grotto.
Shut the door.
Hello?
Kevin?
Kevin!
Where are you, you little shit?
Kevin!
Kevin!
He thought you were a burglar!
Kevin!
I cannot find Kevin!
GROWLING
This is not Kevin.
Get out, Gino!
That's Krampus, the bad Santa.
Who is that?
Krampus!
He's Scrampi.
It's the other way, Gino.
Not scampi, Krampus!
Kevin?
Please...
What's that say?
..take off your shoes.
Please take your shoes off.
Take your shoes off.
Fucking hell. Why do I need to
take my shoes off to find Kevin?
LAUGHTER
This is stupid.
Remember, he's laid traps out,
like he did in the movie.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Oh, fuck!
He's scared.
This... Ah!
This is impossible, you idiots!
Fuck!
LAUGHTER
It's the little soldier.
Don't scare him,
he's only a little boy.
Kevin.
This is not fucking fun at all.
Kevin!
Ah! Fuck!
Ah!
Like a fucking soldier on my...
Ah!
OK.
Fucking shit.
Remember the movie, he's laid out
all the same traps, Gino!
Kevin!
Kevin's room.
What was the Italian
Home Alone called?
Home Alone-io!
Hello, you little bastard.
Hello.
Hello?
Where the fuck is he?!
COUGHS
LAUGHTER
Come on, you can do it, Gino.
Bring Kevin back.
Fuck Kevin, I look like a chicken.
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino!
Kevin!
This game is stupid.
Kevin!
LAUGHTER
What the...
Kevin!
This is bullshit.
Come on, Gino.
This is fucking bullshit.
Kevin! Kevin!
Oh, you're at the office party!
Oh, hello.
THEY RETCH
What the fuck?
They've been sick on him!
RETCHES
That is horrendous.
RETCHING
Where's fucking Kevin?
He's a little shit.
What's wrong with you fucking...
ROARS
What the fuck?
JURASSIC PARK THEME
Kevin!
Found him?
There you are, you little shit.
Move.
Move this fucking dinosaur.
Where the fuck were you?
Where were you?
Talk, you BLEEP
Move.
What the fuck?
Move!
ROARS
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino!
Kevin, everyone!
CHEERING
We've got you mince pies,
I hope you like those, Kevin,
and we got you some milk.
LAUGHTER
He's really angry, see.
Ah, get the fuck...
Get the fuck out of here!
There's some milk for you.
There you go.
LAUGHTER
Kevin, everyone!
CHEERING
Gino!
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino!
I'll never do this again.
And the scores at the end
of that round are...
Sha-ting!
Sha-ting!
Merry fucking Christmas.
Where's Kevin!
Here, Mel,
did you hear of the idea that I did,
it was an amazingly slick idea
that I pitched to ITV?
It was called
What Comes Down The Tube.
No?
Well, they loved it so much, they
want me to try it out one more time,
but put a Christmas spin on it,
ramp it up for more jeopardy.
Do you wanna play it?
Yeah, yeah.
Kelly, you're wearing a poncho,
you must really want to play it.
Then let's play...
..What's Come Down
The Christmas Tube Extreme!
Live prerecord from
a studio in Elstree,
it's time for
What's Come Down The Tube Extreme.
Please welcome your presenter
for this evening,
Mr Keith Lemon.
CHEERING
Yay!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Hello and welcome
to What's Come down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube!
CHEERING
What a lovely festive time
here on What's Come Down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube.
First up to play,
it's Kelly Osbourne!
CHEERING
Go, Kelly!
OK, Kelly, all you've got to do
is lay underneath the tube.
There's gonna be a product
coming down here.
You have to give me the
identification of that product
as it hits your face.
That's easy, isn't it?
But not when you're blindfolded
as we play What's Come Down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube.
Bang these on, lovely.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Gino, in Italian, what's "the"?
Il.
What's Come Down...
AUDIENCE: Il!
..Christmas Tube.
LAUGHTER
OK, um...
Kelly, get your head under the tube.
You can see this is...
This is a lot bigger
than we normally do, Holly.
It's way bigger.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
OK.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Oh, Christ!
For everybody at home, this is
what's gonna come down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas tube!
I hate you so much.
Here it comes.
AUDIENCE GROANS
# Tis the season to be jolly
# Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la. #
Kelly, what is it?
It's pasta!
CHEERING
That was Kelly Osbourne
playing What's Come Down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube!
LAUGHTER
No! No!
LAUGHTER
Go on, Kelly!
CHEERING
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Kelly!
Next up it's Stacey Solomon!
CHEERING
For you guys at home,
if you're playing along,
if you've got some scaffolding
in your living room,
this is what it is.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Go on, Stace!
Here it comes.
AUDIENCE GROANS
I hate you!
Stacey...
what came down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube?
SHE LAUGHS
It's disgusting.
Is it banana? Is it...
Nope.
You're on the right track.
Is it sweet or... What is it?
Holly, I'm gonna give you a chance
here to win a point.
If you go up to Stacey, lick it off
her face and tell me what it is.
Go on, Hol!
Go on, Holly.
Lick it off her face.
That's, um... tiramisu.
That's correct!
CHEERING
Next up to play is Mel B!
CHEERING
Because Mel B has done such
a good job as team captain,
I've got you a Christmas gift.
Somebody's gonna play
on your behalf.
Please welcome our special guest,
it's Will Mellor!
# Don't let the bells end! #
Yes!
The man that brought acting
to the UK, Mr Will Mellor,
playing on Mel B's behalf.
Whoo!
CHEERING
I just came...
I heard there was a Christmas party
so I thought I'd come along and...
We wanna get you join in, man.
You know about us, we like to get
you joining in, we're lovely people.
I know, but I just thought
I'd get a mince pie or summat.
Yeah, we'll get a mince pie
afterwards.
Or you might get one in this game.
Yeah!
Who wants Will to play this game?
CHEERING
For you guys at home, this is
what's gonna come down...
AUDIENCE: The!
..Christmas Tube.
AUDIENCE GROANS
What was that?!
Oh, my word.
I only came for the party!
What's going on?
I'd shut your mouth if I were you.
Fuck off!
Here it comes.
Shut your mouth, I promise you.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Pfft!
YELPS
You fucking...
Pfft!
It tastes like fucking soil!
It is a kind of soil.
What?! Is it soil?
Miaow!
It's cat...
It's not fucking cat shit?!
LAUGHTER
It's not cat shit!
APPLAUSE
Yeah.
Is it cat shit?
Yeah.
No, it's not.
That's right, Will Mellor,
it was cat litter!
# Don't let the bells end. #
Will Mellor, everyone!
And the scores at the end
of that round are...
Sha-ting!
That's not food!
We're gonna go to an ad break.
I'll see you in two.
I'm off for a sweet cat's poo.
Coming up after t'brek...
Point for Paddy and Gino if they
kiss each other under the mistletoe.
I don't do this kind of stuff
anymore.
Welcome back to
Celebrity Juice Christmas Special!
There's all to play for in our
final round, it's the buzzer round!
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer,
be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
So, Holly, what's your buzzer?
AS PADDY: 'Turkey? Fuck it.
What's that aboot?'
That's Patrick McGuinness, there.
Mel's team, what's your buzzer?
AS GINO: 'My name is Gino.
I am a prick! Fantastico!'
LAUGHTER
OK, here's the first question, who's
a bigger prick, Gino or this cactus?
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE CHANT: Gino!
'Christmas crackers? Fuck 'em!'
I think that were Holly's team.
Well, I think the audience answered
it for us, what did you say?
AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino!
That's correct, it's Gino.
Why are Holly and Phil so merry
in this picture?
'Christmas pudding, fuck it,
what's that aboot?'
That's Holly's team.
It's because we're sharing a jumper.
No, that's incorrect.
I'll throw it to Mel's team.
It's because they've just made out.
Yes, they're fiddling with
each other under the jumpers.
Let's have a look.
Yes, they're having a good fiddle.
Who is Paddy about to
get off with here?
Oh, come on.
That's Mel's team.
He's an action hero, Jason Statham.
Let's have a look.
No, it's Gino.
Point to Paddy and Gino if they kiss
each other under the mistletoe.
CHEERING
I don't do this kind of stuff
anymore. I'm a mature man.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Like you're at an office party
and you're proper drunk.
LAUGHTER
Gino gets a point.
CHEERING
Point for your team
if you can name the worst
pop music video of all time.
'My name is Gino and I lick the arse
of Gordon Ramsay!
'Fantastico!'
That's Mel's team.
I think it's got a chance
it might be one of my videos.
Let's have a look.
CHEERING
# I'll get over you
# But you're on my mind
# No matter what I do. #
That's correct.
Who's this cheeky Jesus lookalike?
Huh?
Ooh!
'Christmas time, fantastico!'
That was Mel's team.
My dad.
That's correct.
That's Ozzy Osbourne.
Why've you put his dick on there,
you fuckin' arsehole?!
LAUGHTER
What is wrong with you?!
Hang on a minute,
why do you recognise it?!
LAUGHTER
OK, OK!
A point for me if I can give myself
a really nice compliment.
Keith, you're really nice.
Oh, thanks.
PINGS
Who is Gino
pulling crackers with here?
'Bah!'
Just remember!
That was Mel's team.
Go on, Gino, remember!
Yeah, don't... You panic me.
I think it's on This Morning,
so it could be Holly and Phillip.
Let's have a look.
Good shout.
No, it's incorrect.
It was no-one.
Nobody came to your party.
Who's neck deep
in Santa's sack here?
'Christmas?! That can fook right
off! Ya bastard!'
That's Mel's team.
Me.
Let's have a look.
CHEERING
That's correct.
Gino, point for your team if you can
make up a Christmas single now.
# Jing my balls
Jing my balls
# Please do jing my balls
# And when Santa's coming down
# So will my wife. #
LAUGHTER, CHEERING
KLAXON
Oh!
APPLAUSE
That's the end of the buzzer round,
and this week's Celebrity Juice,
our Christmas special!
But who has won?
The winners of this Christmas
Celebrity Juice special are...
Oh!
It's Mel B's team!
CHEERING
Yes!
Have a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year!
Good luck with business!
Let's dance!
# I wish it could be Christmas
Every day
# When the kids start singing
And the band begins to play
# Oh
# I wish it could be Christmas
Every day
# So let the bells ring out
# For Christmas. #
Merry Christmas!
CHEERING